May calls emergency cabinet meeting in Australia having dug such a deep hole for herself she’s popped out down under

FINAL EXCAVATION : News today is that Theresa May’s is to call an emergency cabinet meeting in Australia, after digging such a deep hole for herself she’s popped out down under.

The meeting, expected to be the fInal of the cabinet under the outgoing (not in the playful and fun loving sense) Prime Minister has been called because of the total revulsion and frenzy of vommitting that was triggered by the PM’s latest insane Brexit gamble. A real political norovirus treat.

“It does help explain a thing or two though,” our Westminster watcher comments, “why she has no bloody clue what’s happening in reality. She’s been tunnelling so deep, with and without her colleagues, nothing intelligent has been able to get through to her.”

The sudden emergence into the great southern continent is expected any moment.

”She’ll blink in the sun and realise she needs to talk to no one at all about how she’s gotten there and what to do next,” our watcher says, “like, don’t bother turning around. Get up. Dust off, just start walking. She should make Sydney by July, if she don’t die of thirst in the desert.”

She is expected to walk alone now as no one is crazy enough to go with her anymore.

”Still, it won’t be a total loss,” our watcher observes, “Australia just had a GE in which the official opposition Labour Party lost, and the leader stood down and called a leadership contest for his replacement. Which in a parliamentary system is what you’re expected to do. So she can take some notes for old Jezza. Not that he’s listening to anyone at all either.”

He may actually be tunnelling right besid her.

”They might emerge together, if tomorrow’s EU parliament election results are as expected.”

Wizard of Oz wicked witch GIF supplier stockpiling furiously for moment Theresa May quits

HOUSE FALLING ON WICKED WITCH : Reports this evening that the UK’s GIF printers are working furiously to stockpile Wizard of Oz themed GIFS for the moment Theresa May is finally forced to quit.

“I ANTICIPATE BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK I’LL BE A MILLIONAIRE!” Mr Fhew Secconds shouted at us from his factory floor, “We’re going to sell out in seconds across all social media platforms. PASS THE GREEN INK POT THERE PLEASE! There’s a good lad!”

And Mr Secconds isn’t the only GIF business madly preparing to cash in on a change of leadership. At the UK’s premium supplier of sarcastic face memes the presses are running hot too.

”It’s the same at the tiny violin factory,” our report in the southwest says, “ all through the afternoon, as reports surfaced on Twitter of frustrated Tory MPs shouting in private at the prime minister to please just F off, the violin makers got their minature axes and began felling wee trees.”

And fears of a boom and bust cycle in the GIF are definitely over rated, because it seems nailed on that whoever replaces Theresa May will be even more insane.

”That’s my only fear,” one GIF printer told us, “if by some freakish chance one of the younger, remainy, not complete batshit crazy stories replaces May, well, I will have over extended myself in ‘This is fine’ burning house memes.”

We think there’s little danger of that, although an outside chance. But so outside it’s halfway up the street.

”Still, I’m sure if that happens Mark Francois will keep us in the pink chopping and cutting up new memes.”

Any moment now, the famous song from the famous film will play on repeat across the land.

”Ding dong…”

Doctor Brexitstein’s monster appears on College Green demanding a wife

WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS : LCD VIEWS has received reports today that the monster created by Doctor Brexitstein (and numerous unscrupulous MPs) in a dark money funded, social media laboratory, has appeared on College Green and is demanding a wife.

The monster, which is called Brexit, is also known as ‘monster’, ‘wretch’, ‘daemon’, ‘fiend’, ‘it’ and ‘Lexit’. It is reported to have an old fashioned, conical loudspeaker strapped to its head and is writing down what it says, and what anyone says to it, on a piece of slate. This it holds up at random so everyone can see it.

“The monster appeared late yesterday afternoon and was obviously peeved,” our Westminster watcher reports, live from the imagined scene,

“it has been spotted at various places in the country for nearly three years. At first it attempted to befriend puzzled locals wherever it was, but after realising how hideous it was, it began smashing jobs and civil discourse into dust wherever it lingered. Now that it has appeared in Westminster to make demands, it is feared it has turned on its creators.”

But it does appear at least that Brexit has thought through what it wants its wife to be called.

“The Bride of Brexit is a handle already adopted by the media, but Brexit itself is insistent its wife be called WTO, or GATT24 or Mass Famine, any of the handles it says will satisfy it.”

Will its creators build it a wife?

“Well, they can only make one by replicating the pieces cobbled together to make Brexit. Namely sowing together the anger of communities disregarded by Westminster for decades, patching on energised ignorance, stapling in a big, meaty chunk of racism in the intestines and powering the whole load with the electricity of lies,” our reporter says, “so sure, they’re happy to have a go. There’s plenty of ready funding available from local and mysterious overseas sources.”

But not everyone is convinced they should build Brexit a wife?

“There is a concern that Brexit has done enough damage already and he won’t fulfil his promise to retire quietly into the countryside should he get to hold WTO. Actually that the pair of them will do even more damage.”

Maybe he should be captured and dismantled and laid to rest?

“It would be best,” our reporter agrees, “falsehoods have become truths in the wake of the creature’s creation and our entire democratic system is slowly turning into the image of Brexitstein’s monster itself. No one can be assured of certain happiness, not least the monster’s creators.”

Woman doesn’t know she’s lost her job because people around her pretend she’s still doing it

HOLD MY BEER DAVE : THERESA MAY is no slouch. She’s already written her memoir of her time as a contender with Dave “Trotters” Cameron for Britain’s worst prime minister.

”I don’t need to spend the average yearly income on a fancy shed to write my memoirs,” a woman claiming to be the UK’s departing prime minister revealed, “I’ve already written them.”

The method employed appears to have been disarmingly simple.

”I just took all the endless vapid sloganeering of nearly three years and put them in a notepad file on my phone and sent it to the printers.”

Smart and efficient, of that there is no doubt.

”Of course I’m going to want to endlessly proof read the draft text, because I can’t help it. What font. What type size. How many words per page. Double spacing here and single spacing there. I’m going to be intimately involved. Heaven help the copy editor if they put something in italics!”

What chapter names will also be chosen in a totally hands on way.

”How I created my own hostile environment. That’s a fat chapter. Endless repetition of meaningless talking points because I treat everyone with contempt. That’s another. That’s actually been adopted as a policy by the official opposition front bench too. Something I’m proud of. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. We should call it slow but somehow endless death.”

Presumably there will be a chapter on negotiating strategies too?

”Yes. How to succeed against the meek and vulnerable. I know all about that.”

What about how to be a fall guy for a hard right, allegedly criminally compromised political enterprise?

”I’ll deal with that in the chapter titled ‘Nothing else matters but your own day to day political survival’. And let me be clear, however much money it costs, however many lives are ruined, however many jobs are needlessly lost, it’s all dealt with.”

And what’s the catchphrase for the marketing bods?

”Isn’t it obvious?”

Memoir means memoir?

”See! Who said my time in office won’t leave a lasting legacy.”

Oh it’s done that. It’s most certainly done that. We can’t wait to read your broken record, even though we’ve spent years now living it.

“I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it further” – May channels Vader in parliament

THE EMPIRE STRIKES SOMETHING : Temporary Prime Minister, Theresa May, took inspiration from one of modern cinema’s iconic heroes today as she sought to get parliament onside for her last ditch attempt to be the only who completely screws the United Kingdom.

“I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it further,” May told a half awake parliament, pausing between each syllable to breathe heavily, before adding, “if you defy me now I will crush you under the heel of the Empire.”

Quite what such an open handed offer from such an admired leader will do is not yet clear.

”She keeps her word,” a Tory Party insider said, stifling a giggle, “you know she means what she’s saying when she says it. Just no one, not even her, believes it.”

Unwarranted skepticism aside, May is attempting to finally get parliament to pass the gigantic stool of her Brexit. She’s hoping her latest offer is an efficient softener.

But she is facing an uphill struggle.

”The promise to go whether she succeeds or fails was probably complete horseshit,” our Westminster analyst says, “and this latest effort to buy more time will likely be met with warm words, then a jolly round of backstabbing as all her cabinet are just completely sick to death of her. They don’t even care if the Death Star is finished under her watch or not anymore. So they may well vote against it in the hope she buggers off that bit sooner.”

And given the factionalisation of even her own dark side, it’s odds on.

To get further clarity we spoke first to dark side wannabe Mark Francois.

Mark Francois : “Series of completely unrelated WW2 references that display how deeply I misunderstand reality.”

Thank you Mark Francois.

We will have to wait and see how this latest play works out for May.

Will she leave with the dignify she’s dedicated her time in office to denying everyone conceivably possible?

Or will she lay unmasked, politically gasping her last in total failure? That seems much more likely.

But her finishing line in the address to Parliament is worth noting.

”I AM your father.”

Mostly for just being confusing. She must have become stuck in character.

Hugo Boss launch new range of milkshake camo uniforms, oops, we mean suits

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A MAN : Hugo Boss has announced today the launch of a new range of milkshake camo uniforms, Christ, sorry, we mean suits.

“I need to correct you there,” our fashion correspondent interrupted, “it’s just a rumour. We can’t say they have. They are said to be about to launch the new range to capitalise on the theme of modern political campaigning in the UK.”

The theme the famous suit maker is looking to get in on is more of a trend, namely to throw milkshakes over racists while they’re on the campaign trail.

“These new milk patterned camouflage suits will allow your modern fascist to continue to campaign even if they’ve been turned into a laughing stock on the street,” our correspondent adds.

“No need to go and hide in your campaign bus while shouting for a fresh set of threads. Just leave a milky trail behind you and keep on shouting about foreigners all day long. Well, until the smell of spoiled, spilt milk kicks in.”

That could perhaps be an opening for a perfumer? Along the same lines.

“The smell…the smell of milk? Yes. The suits themselves will be woven from the purest teflon and plastic.”

Plastic patriots in plastic suits? That’s nice.

But what about people who say throwing milky beverages over the far right is coarsening the public debate?

“I’d say those people aren’t paying attention to what the far right has done to the public debate. The trend to milkshake is a symptom of the mainstream politicians failure to combat the forces of hatred, and even the willingness of many high profile politicians to attempt to profit politically off the agendas being promoted.”

So the milkshake throwing is the fault of Westminster?

“It’s a point of discussion. But don’t ask me, I just deal in fashion, of that I’m a dedicated follower.”

If the suit fits…

“Wear it! We hear Farage and chums will be virtually invisible once they’ve donned them.”

Which is just the way we’d like them.

LOCAL GREEN SPACE FIGHTBACK AS PARK POOS ON DOG

SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT : A LOCAL SOUTH LONDON GREEN SPACE has hit the headlines after allegedly pooing on a dog, in what has been described as a push back.

”It just rose up and did it,” the owner of the dog, identified locally as Mr Nugget, a Golden Labrador crossed with a Silver Whippet, told LCD Views, “Mr Nugget has been going to the toilet in this park since he was a puppy. If the park was so upset it could have just said something. I’m considering pressing charges and so is Mr Nugget.”

But the park, described as normally tranquil, if a little windy at times, hit back and released the following statement to the press.

”Enough is enough. Who’s the grass cutter now? Yeah? Punks. Go home and do it in a toilet.”

While the statement doesn’t exactly clear the park of the assault, it does display a degree of frustration that other green spaces were quick to respond to.

”Myself, Waltham Forest Green and Hyde Park have started a group on Facebook to show support with our relative. For too long dogs have shat on us at will. This stops now. We will no longer lay down and just take it. You can expect things to get a lot hillier now.”

It’s not clear at this stage if the police will be willing to bring charges and a statement from the local constabulary was not forthcoming, in spite of no effort to obtain one.

We asked our resident greenkeeper what he made of it, and why the green space has decided on a decidedly militant posture.

”It must be something in the water?” he suggested, which wasn’t really any help at all.

Mr Nugget is currently resting at home, but he will have to be walked again shortly, so it seems this may not be an isolated incident.

10 Downing Street confirms Austria does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE AUSTRIA HAS JOINED SWITZERLAND ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES THAT DO NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that the Austrian Chancellor has ordered elections, because elected politicians are suspected of being corrupted by foreign interference.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/world-europe-48320983

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to have a fresh ballot because of suspected Russian interference in the electoral process. This has no application in the United Kingdom because the Austria does not exist and we can learn nothing there. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship and ask for advice.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle votes with suspected foreign interference,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Austrians that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire and ignore the foreign cash. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Austrians. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Austria does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with political corruption, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that an election should both be held and not held in the face of foreign interference.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Austrians! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

Farage buys second hand ‘Popemobile’ to campaign in after savage milkshake attack

SPLASH BACK: The Brexit Party’s (not a party, but a company) traumatised owner, Nigel Fartage, is back on the campaign trail today after the overnight purchase of a second hand ‘Popemobile’.

“We’re not certain if he bought the vehicle on Gumtree, Ebay, Popetrader or another site popular for offloading surplus items, or which monetary currency he used to paid for it,” our dairy analyst says, “but he’s got himself a second hand Popemobile and is back on the road.”

The purchase of the fully covered vehicle is believed to be in response to the savaging he received the other day by a wild man with a milkshake.

“Clearly Farage did nothing to provoke the brutal assault with a lactose bearing liquid,” our analyst adds,

“other than front a campaign founded on deliberate misrepresentation with posters mimicking WW2 fascist propaganda. But apart from that, we can’t think of anything he’s done to cause a lowering of civility,

“Well, except for shouting traitors and betrayal constantly, getting routinely done for abuse of expense systems, and doing everything he can to denigrate the institutions that a democracy needs to function and survive. So he’s essentially blameless.”

It’s hoped if he just hides inside his new armoured vehicle, happily milk colour to blend in with his preferred surroundings, he’ll be able to promote his manifesto less bollocks without further dry cleaning bills.

“We expect the other candidates for his limited company will also be riding inside, and perhaps even the UKIP ones,” our analyst says, “so perhaps we’ll finally get an answer to the age old question of exactly how many fascists can you fit in a fully armoured mini?”

Couple wish Brexit finale spoilers were as hard to avoid as GoT ones

I BOTH WANT TO KNOW AND DO NOT WANT TO KNOW : LCD Views has spoken to a couple today who wish Brexit finale spoilers were as hard to avoid as GoT ones.

”It’s like everyone in broadcasting is both aware and not aware that the overwhelming majority of Game of Thrones fans in the U.K. will not be able to watch the finale until tonight,” Mrs Blackwatch said, “And they both do and do not care!”

As a result of the inability of metropolitan media bubble types to both give away, and not give away, spoilers for the show, already seen by all of North America and insomniacs in Britannia, the Blackwatch family have had to take extreme measures.

”We both look and do not look at social media until we’ve seen this week’s show, tonight,” Mr Blackwatch said, “it’s pretty tiring. Scrolling quickly passed anything that looks like giving the game away.”

And it’s no less complicated when they both get home in the evening.

”We have young kids, so we can both watch and not watch the show before we put them to bed,” Mrs Blackwatch frowned.

”That’s because of the risk of extreme violence, and I’m not talking about milkshakes,” her husband added.

”And the high chance of some characters going at it hammer and tongs!” Mrs Blackwatch shakes her head.

”Yes, the incest is a risk too.”

So do you think you’ll make it through to sitting on the sofa without knowledge of how the shows ends?

”We both will and won’t,” they said in unison.

“I’ve already got a few hints from a bloody Beeb segment on the radio. Which I heard while trying not to hear. I’m now trying not to tell my missus what I did and did not hear.”

”I just wish spoilers for the long drawn out finale of Brexit were as hard to avoid!” Mrs Blackwatch sighed, “we both are currently living and not living in a hard right fantasy, it would be nice to know how it ends.”

”Probably with a great, big milky facial,” Mr Blackwatch smirked and received a frown for his trouble.