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10 Downing Street confirms Austria does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE AUSTRIA HAS JOINED SWITZERLAND ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES THAT DO NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that the Austrian Chancellor has ordered elections, because elected politicians are suspected of being corrupted by foreign interference.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/world-europe-48320983

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to have a fresh ballot because of suspected Russian interference in the electoral process. This has no application in the United Kingdom because the Austria does not exist and we can learn nothing there. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship and ask for advice.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle votes with suspected foreign interference,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Austrians that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire and ignore the foreign cash. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Austrians. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Austria does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with political corruption, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that an election should both be held and not held in the face of foreign interference.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Austrians! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

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Farage buys second hand ‘Popemobile’ to campaign in after savage milkshake attack

SPLASH BACK: The Brexit Party’s (not a party, but a company) traumatised owner, Nigel Fartage, is back on the campaign trail today after the overnight purchase of a second hand ‘Popemobile’.

“We’re not certain if he bought the vehicle on Gumtree, Ebay, Popetrader or another site popular for offloading surplus items, or which monetary currency he used to paid for it,” our dairy analyst says, “but he’s got himself a second hand Popemobile and is back on the road.”

The purchase of the fully covered vehicle is believed to be in response to the savaging he received the other day by a wild man with a milkshake.

“Clearly Farage did nothing to provoke the brutal assault with a lactose bearing liquid,” our analyst adds,

“other than front a campaign founded on deliberate misrepresentation with posters mimicking WW2 fascist propaganda. But apart from that, we can’t think of anything he’s done to cause a lowering of civility,

“Well, except for shouting traitors and betrayal constantly, getting routinely done for abuse of expense systems, and doing everything he can to denigrate the institutions that a democracy needs to function and survive. So he’s essentially blameless.”

It’s hoped if he just hides inside his new armoured vehicle, happily milk colour to blend in with his preferred surroundings, he’ll be able to promote his manifesto less bollocks without further dry cleaning bills.

“We expect the other candidates for his limited company will also be riding inside, and perhaps even the UKIP ones,” our analyst says, “so perhaps we’ll finally get an answer to the age old question of exactly how many fascists can you fit in a fully armoured mini?”

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Couple wish Brexit finale spoilers were as hard to avoid as GoT ones

I BOTH WANT TO KNOW AND DO NOT WANT TO KNOW : LCD Views has spoken to a couple today who wish Brexit finale spoilers were as hard to avoid as GoT ones.

”It’s like everyone in broadcasting is both aware and not aware that the overwhelming majority of Game of Thrones fans in the U.K. will not be able to watch the finale until tonight,” Mrs Blackwatch said, “And they both do and do not care!”

As a result of the inability of metropolitan media bubble types to both give away, and not give away, spoilers for the show, already seen by all of North America and insomniacs in Britannia, the Blackwatch family have had to take extreme measures.

”We both look and do not look at social media until we’ve seen this week’s show, tonight,” Mr Blackwatch said, “it’s pretty tiring. Scrolling quickly passed anything that looks like giving the game away.”

And it’s no less complicated when they both get home in the evening.

”We have young kids, so we can both watch and not watch the show before we put them to bed,” Mrs Blackwatch frowned.

”That’s because of the risk of extreme violence, and I’m not talking about milkshakes,” her husband added.

”And the high chance of some characters going at it hammer and tongs!” Mrs Blackwatch shakes her head.

”Yes, the incest is a risk too.”

So do you think you’ll make it through to sitting on the sofa without knowledge of how the shows ends?

”We both will and won’t,” they said in unison.

“I’ve already got a few hints from a bloody Beeb segment on the radio. Which I heard while trying not to hear. I’m now trying not to tell my missus what I did and did not hear.”

”I just wish spoilers for the long drawn out finale of Brexit were as hard to avoid!” Mrs Blackwatch sighed, “we both are currently living and not living in a hard right fantasy, it would be nice to know how it ends.”

”Probably with a great, big milky facial,” Mr Blackwatch smirked and received a frown for his trouble.

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Brexit Party says couple’s multiple £499 donations stuffed into party coffers are completely legitimate

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK : The Brexit Party has hit back today at claims their impressive funding is a bit on the nose, and suggestions that perhaps someone in authority should look into it.

”All of the donations to the party are from legitimate sources, whether domestic or foreign interference,” a spokesman claiming to speak for the party quacked, although he was speaking from behind a screen so we couldn’t be completely certain what he looked like,

“We’ve capped the donations at £500 so hard pressed, potatriotic British men and women don’t overspend, not because it’s the threshold for legal compliance with declaring who donated it.”

Whether or not that will be enough to allay concerns of various anti-potatriotic voices doesn’t appear to matter to the party’s founders.

“It’s not at all that we believe by the time anyone investigates we will be speeding down the highway in an old Model T Ford with a cloud of dust behind us.”

It’s definitely not because if you have the political impact you desire you need to worry a lot less about the legal ramifications of your actions.

“No one out to subvert democracy, and the rule of law, in the United Kingdom will be in any way encouraged by the leaderships of both the Conservative, and Labour parties, apparent willingness to blithe disinterest in the proven criminality in the 2016 EU referendum campaign,” the spokesman went on, “anyone who suggests otherwise is betraying baby Brexit.”

But just to be sure we decided to speak to Bonnie and Clyde and ask where they personally got the money they donated from.

But we couldn’t find them. Which is presumably part of the plan.

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I was never a Czech spy, says former Russian spy (allegedly)

Labour MP Geoffrey Robinson denies claims that he was a Czech spy. Rumour means rumour, but the words whispered in Westminster suggest he was working for the Russians instead.

Tittle-tattle gossiper Lou Slipps gave us the inside track on Robinson.

“Are you a genuine news outlet?” she asked nervously. Yes, allegedly, we replied. “OK, then you must remember that this is all hearsay, allegedly?” she said. Yes, yes, yes, just give us the dirt.

“Well, he is definitely a spy (allegedly),” she said. “Only not, apparently, for the Czechs, but, allegedly, for the Russians. They say he puts the Rouble into Trouble!”

This is massive, if true. Could he be the alleged link between western governments and Vladimir Putin?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Slipps, nodding vigorously. “Off the record – I didn’t tell you this, nor did anyone else – all the vodka in the House of Commons bars comes directly from Putin, via Robinson, in exchange for information about the government. Allegedly.”

The only problem is, that Labour are not in government.

“This is why Jeremy Corbyn has, allegedly, been instructed to back Brexit,” whispered Slipps. “In order to get close to Theresa May. The cross-party talks, allegedly, have been a cover for extracting details of the government’s strategy. This is the alleged long game!”

In order to get a perspective on things, we spoke to Robinson, who is alleged to be both the father of Tommy and husband of Mrs.

“It’s all nonsense,” blustered Robinson from his cell in the Westminster dungeons. “My all expenses paid penthouses in Prague and Moscow merely indicate a love of European culture, and provide a useful income when I’m not actively engaged in… err… cultural matters.”

Presumably that explains your fluency in Russian, and your love of Cyrillic characters?

“Yes, yes, total immersion in the culture,” he agreed. “You develop trust by integrating fully with everything Russian. They helped me enormously, and it’s good to give something back. Allegedly.”

There you have it. He is definitely not a spy. Not. Definitely not. No.

Allegedly.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48324690

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US Navy replaces fleet with warships that align historically with Alabama’s new abortion laws

BACK TO THE FUTURE, WAY BACK : The US Navy have announced today that it has replaced its entire seaborne fleet with warships that align historically with Alabama’s new abortion laws.

”Planes are right out of course,” a rear admiral said from the back of a room, “any powered flight. We’ve dumped them all in the sea. We’re now working to develop a balloon for aerial reconnaissance. Our aircraft carriers are scrap. The balloon should be ready in a century or two and provide us with a total advantage over the rest of the world, certain as we are that they’ll follow our decision to de-evolve culturally to the Middle Ages.”

The navy isn’t the only pillar of American power to take measures to support the misogyny occurring across numerous states.

The Pro Life Pro Gun lobby are said to be mildly concerned about plans to change the gun laws at a federal level on similar lines.

”Muzzle loading rifles and pistols are due for a resurgence in popularity,” the admiral notes, “once the laws restricting gun technology along the lines of a parallel level of development of society with the new abortion laws come into force. Gunpowder sellers are going to be millionaires by this time next year. And really it just aligns the tech with the era of the writing of the 2nd amendment.”

How the pro life forces will deal with a limitation on patriotic citizens ability to commit wanton mass slaughter of people that were actually born remains to be seen.

LCD Views supports the efforts of certain states in the USA to return to a medieval, or just post medieval era, and trust it will involve a turning off of Donald Trump’s twitter also.

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Donald Trump mocked over mistake in tweet pardoning disgraced 1960’s businessman

ALL THAT GLITTERS : Donald Trump is reported to bee “unrepentant” and “on the toilet with a smart phone” today after keen eyed Twitter followers spotted a glaring error inn his early morning tweet pardoning disgraced 1960’s businessman Auric Goldfinger.

Its believed the decision too pardon the megalomaniac businessman came after Trump watched an olde documentary on Goldfinger’s 1960’s scheme to corner the gold market.

”It’s the shared love of gold that did it,” a Trump analyst commented, “although initially dismissive over the absence of tower blocs in Mr Goldfinger’s property portfolio, Mr Trump was drawn to the panache with witch he manages his global empire, his keen eye four hiring the wright people for the job, and of course the company he keeps.”

Butt the decision too announce the pardon on Twitter was when the trouble started.

”If you try hard you can make mow sound like now, if you squint when you speak,” a Trump fan defended the president, “and lets me fare, for a Trump tweet is was goodish on the speling and grammer frontage.”

Why Trump’s attention was drawn to Goldfinger at this time isn’t entirely clear, but it’s believed to do with rising tensions in the Golf and how speculators turn to gold in times of crisis.

All that said, as Mr Goldfinger was convicted in absentia by a British court, it’s knot even kleer if POTUS has the jurisdiction to pardon him.

”I don’t think that really matters,” our analyst observed, “So long ass the GOP back Trump, the legality of the decision isn’t under question. Mr Goldfinger played a clever hand when he mentioned in a recent press interview that he thought Trump steaks were the bestest, he only flies Trump Air and he will be sending his children to Trump university. Flattery will get you everywhere.”

At the time of writing Trump was attempting to locate and hire Goldfinger’s former head off security, Odd Job, because he really likes his hat.

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Man choosing who to vote for in EU elections based on colour wheel

MAKING A MARK : LCD VIEWS has heard today from a man who is choosing who to vote for in this week’s EU parliament elections based on a colour wheel.

“It’s not an exact science,” he started by telling us, which almost led to us stopping the interview at the start.

“But I figure if I imagine various party colours combined and see what that gives me it helps narrow down my choice for the ballot box this Thursday.”

So it’s not a scientific method then and we can not advocate it?

“What colours combine to make what colours is a matter of fact,” he hit back, “if you’re going to be so sniffy why are you wasting your time interviewing me?”

You asked us to speak to you!

“So? You didn’t have to,” he shrugged, “can we just get on with it?”

Please.

“Okay. So it works like this. I feel a little bit torn about who to vote for so I look at the wheel and imagine the party logo colours mixed together,” he explained, “so if I want to vote for Labour, but I don’t like their leadership’s pro-Brexit policy then I simply imagine Labour red mixed with the colour of the party which most strongly advocates Brexit.”

So red and purple?

“Yes. Which gives you UKIP’s colours.”

Oh.

“I know, right? Same result if you mix red and a lighter blue. You end up at Brexit.”

The colours could be accused of undermining the leader…

“The colours are essentially Tory shills. Even though if you mix blue and blue you get Tory and so Brexit too.”

So what if you want to vote against Brexit? How do you use your method to choose?

“Well, you mix yellow and green you get a yellowish green or a greenish yellow.”

So anti-Brexit and action on climate change?

“That’s right. You just mix in the amount of either colour you like. So that’s narrowed it down to either Libdems, Greens, SNP or Plaid for me.”

This is an excellent method. But what about if you mix Change UK’s black and white?

“You get grey? Which seems to fit. They may need to change their logo for future elections if they want to change the system.”

But doesn’t blue and yellow get your green?

“It did get you moving there between 2010 and 2015. But that all stopped once the yellow was removed. It also got you progressive social changes, well, till the yellow was stripped out. And before you go on about the economics, red and yellow in 2010 was going to get you austerity too. But you would have had orange, which suggests all round it would have been better in the long run. It definitely couldn’t have made purple!”

Well, thank you for your time. I think I’ll use this to decide who to vote for on Thursday.

“I would have thought someone as opinionated as yourself already has.”

You’re right, but this isn’t a party political broadcast, so we’re not declaring what we’re going to do.

VOTE YELLOW OR GREEN OMFG VOTE YELLOW OR GREEN.

“What was all that shouting for?”

Nothing. Thank you for your time. Good luck with your colour wheel.

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Monster in Thames says it’s there to celebrate if Boris Johnson becomes prime minister

DEMOLITION SQUAD : LCD Views has heard today from a giant sea monster in the Thames, currently just hanging about next to Westminster.

The monster first appeared last week, horned head rising slowly out of the water, coincidentally at the same time as the Tory press started bigging up Johnson’s chances of replacing Theresa May in the looming Conservative Party leadership contest.

”Oh, it’s no coincidence,” the giant sea monster says, “that’s why I’m here.”

Have you come to vote in the contest? Are you a Tory Party monster?

”I’m not that old!” the eternal, avenging force of nature scoffed, “and I suspect, if I were to enter politics in an ongoing, professional capacity it would probably be as an indepdent.”

But you’re a supporter of Johnson?

”It’s no wonder the human world is just begging for it,” the monster replied, “did you prepare these questions in advance or are you just making them up on the hoof?”

So you’re not a supporter of Johnson.

(pained silence)

”No. I. Am. Not.”

Dominic Raab then?

”OMG! He only just worked out he lives on an island.”

The guy with too many kitchens? Liz Truss? Javid? Davis? Hunt? Gove?

”The list of talents goes some distance doesn’t it.”

You better just tell us.

”None of the above.”

Then why are you here?

”To level the place. I would have thought that obvious. Restore balance.”

Oh. Of course. Giant sea monster thank you for your time.

”I would like to say my pleasure, but I won’t. You remember that sentiment when I’m using the Elizabeth Tower as a cricket bat. Ah, the knock of masonry on timber.”

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Eurovision result a sign to get on with Brexit

The UK’s triumphant Eurovision result has been taken, equally triumphantly, as an encouraging sign. Theresa May announced that it meant that she had to get on with it and deliver Brexit.

“The People have spoken,” recited May. “Indeed, Europe has spoken. Brexit must be done, and done as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the important business of winning song competitions.”

It’s hard to argue with her analysis. The UK’s 16 whole points is far better than the usual nul points.

However, closet examination reveals that the UK actually finished bottom of the leaderboard. “That’s not a bad thing!” argued government sycophant Rose Tinted. “It means we are the strongest nation, because we are holding all the others up!”

Tinted hinted that furious discussions were going on behind closed doors. May and Corbyn are locked in talks to agree what the UK entry for 2020 should be. May wants The Only Way Is Up, while Corbyn thinks Things Can Only Get Better is better. Unfortunately, neither Yazz nor Professor Brian Cox can be persuaded to come out of retirement, and Yazz’s band, the Plastic Population, has been recycled.

The result has further implications. David Davis argues that the result will make German car makers force Angela Merkel to change the outcome.

Chris Grayling is still wondering why, for a song contest, the word ‘vision’ is needed. “It’s a real head scratcher,” he admits, scratching his arm. “After all, you can’t see a song, can you? It’s all so difficult, so the sooner we leave the EU the better.”

Dominic Raab is busy searching for Eurovision on a map. “I know it’s here somewhere!” he exclaims, a London A-Z open in front of him. “Isn’t that near Eurotunnel? Ah! Stratford! Shakespeare’s birthplace! That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it?”

But what is to happen about Brexit? The question is left hanging. Like a Puppet on a String.