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Eurovision result a sign to get on with Brexit

The UK’s triumphant Eurovision result has been taken, equally triumphantly, as an encouraging sign. Theresa May announced that it meant that she had to get on with it and deliver Brexit.

“The People have spoken,” recited May. “Indeed, Europe has spoken. Brexit must be done, and done as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the important business of winning song competitions.”

It’s hard to argue with her analysis. The UK’s 16 whole points is far better than the usual nul points.

However, closet examination reveals that the UK actually finished bottom of the leaderboard. “That’s not a bad thing!” argued government sycophant Rose Tinted. “It means we are the strongest nation, because we are holding all the others up!”

Tinted hinted that furious discussions were going on behind closed doors. May and Corbyn are locked in talks to agree what the UK entry for 2020 should be. May wants The Only Way Is Up, while Corbyn thinks Things Can Only Get Better is better. Unfortunately, neither Yazz nor Professor Brian Cox can be persuaded to come out of retirement, and Yazz’s band, the Plastic Population, has been recycled.

The result has further implications. David Davis argues that the result will make German car makers force Angela Merkel to change the outcome.

Chris Grayling is still wondering why, for a song contest, the word ‘vision’ is needed. “It’s a real head scratcher,” he admits, scratching his arm. “After all, you can’t see a song, can you? It’s all so difficult, so the sooner we leave the EU the better.”

Dominic Raab is busy searching for Eurovision on a map. “I know it’s here somewhere!” he exclaims, a London A-Z open in front of him. “Isn’t that near Eurotunnel? Ah! Stratford! Shakespeare’s birthplace! That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it?”

But what is to happen about Brexit? The question is left hanging. Like a Puppet on a String.

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Emergency services resume looking for Tory wife lost during photoshoot in very patriotic coffee cup

IF IT’S NOT BROKEN DON’T SHIRE IT: Emergency services have resumed their increasingly frantic search today for the wife of Tory MP (and leadership hopeful) James Brokenshire, who went missing during a photoshoot.

“We’ve narrowed the search area down to the kitchen counter,” the head of the search and rescue told a frantic LCD Views, “we believe she may actually have fallen into a giant coffee cup being used as a prop during the photoshoot.”

It’s thought the coffee cup was included in the photo to boost Mr Brokenshire’s credentials as a candidate for Britain and Northern Ireland, after Northern Ireland’s assembly broke under his leadership.

“At present a team is being assembled to abseil into the monumental item of crockery,” the search and rescue spokesman continued, “with plans to feed supplies of food and water into the mug for at least a week, while a rigorous search of many hundreds of square miles is undertaken.”

The prospects of recovering the Tory wife in one piece are good, as the coffee mug was believed to be empty at the time of photographing.

“At least it wasn’t full of liquid when she is presumed to have fallen in,” the spokesman said, “as she wasn’t wearing a flotation device at the time. There is a chance she was merely concussed during the fall and is even now shouting for help, but the distance between the impression given by the photo, and the one intended, is so great that no one has heard her.”

Mr Brokenshire is said to be resting with friends, who are attempting to piece him back together.

Earlier reports that the photo was actually of some aliens attempting to appear to Earthlings in a way they mistakenly thought was disarming have been discounted.

We wish them luck in the search. We are confident the lost individual will be recovered unharmed and be able to take part in the next photoshoot, where Mr Brokenshire will almost certainly be performing the patented Tory power stance.

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BREXIT : May plans ‘bold offer’ to get support for deal

BREXIT : Theresa May is said to be planning a ‘bold offer’ to get MPs’ support for her Brexit deal when she tries to get parliament to pass it again in June for the umpteenth time.

”The timing is important,” a Downing Street strategist revealed, “we have to wait until after the EU election results are in for maximum impact. This is why the ransom letters, I mean, personalised letters requesting support are being prepared now. Let’s get them right this time. Find out first what’s important to MPs and threaten, I mean, cajole them in the soft spot.”

How long it will take to prepare nearly 650 individual threats, we mean requests for support, is anyone’s guess, as few people have tried to govern an entire country by blackmail for so long before and needed an old stack of newspapers to do so.

”She’s been spending too much time in talks with Labour,” our analyst muses, “their entire EU election campaign is one of emotional and political blackmail, and a self-contradictory one at that. Vote a Brexit pushing Labour to stop Farage and the far right? When Farage’s only policy at all is Brexit? That makes about as much sense as realising you’re the frog in the slowly boiling pot and demanding someone puts a lid on.”

The political blackmail of their supporters came as a shock too. Bargain basement stuff.

“So much time in talks with Tories? It must have rubbed off. Or I guess, given how long May has been at threats and blackmail and ransom with parliament, maybe it rubbed the other way? Either way there’s a lot of rubbing.”

So what impact will the personalised letters have?

”It depends on the MP,” our analyst believes, “Lammy will most likely put a photo of it on Twitter and tell May to get stuffed. Former Labour voters will rightly swoon and wonder why this man of conviction and courage isn’t Labour leader?

”Cooper will carefully deconstruct it and tie May in knots with her own cut and pasting next time she’s before a select committee. Former Labour voters will shake their heads and think, if only she was leader…sigh.”

”Corbyn will agree to being blackmailed in principle, but demand that he blackmails himself, as if that is somehow better?

”Morgan, Boles, Kinnock and numerous others will agree that extortion is the right way to govern the country, but they’ll request endlessly that they get to choose the family member, or prized possession, that is held hostage,

”Change U.K. MPs will just be thrilled someone actually wanted to write to them, was able to not only write but address the letter correctly, given they’re constantly moving offices,

”Lucas will ignore it and recycle it,

”The Libdems will crack a joke off the back of it, further endearing them to their supporters,

”And the ERG will be giddy, wondering which one of their ERG chums fancies them enough to write an anonymous love letter. So total success. The hallmark of May’s decisions while in office.”

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Statue of Liberty spotted at JFK International Airport boarding plane to France

AIRPORT SECURITY: Urgent questions are being asked of just how lax the security at JFK International Airport, New York, is after the Statue of Liberty was spotted boarding a plane to Charles de Gaulle Airport, France.

No less (because you can’t get less) than President Trump was at the forefront of a twitter storm after photos of the famous statue began appearing all over social media.

”She was in a real rush,” a fellow commuter told LCD Views, “she shoved my Jean out of the way and took our place in the check-in queue. I was going to say something, but then I saw her expression and thought it’s probably best to let it go.”

How exactly a 93m statue holding a flaming torch was allowed to proceed through check-in, security and then to the boarding gate and onto the Air France flight is uppermost in the questions demanding answers.

”It’s because she’s famous,” Jean’s husband reckons, “you can do pretty much anything you want if you’re famous. People just let you do it.”

And Jean’s husband’s theory seems a likely reason for the blatant failure to stop a giant, enraged metal woman with a flaming torch from boarding the flight. Mostly because of who said something similar during their presidential campaign.

”Do you fault the good lady?” the statue of Winston Churchill, on College Green, posted on its twitter account, “I’m packing my bags too and heading for the continent. I’m done with obvious thieving, lying, useless idiot chancers being given currency in our political establishment. I’m off to seclusion to write about the dangers and plan the resistance.”

At the time of going to print the French government was tight lipped and refusing to comment. But already on Twitter photos are appearing of a monumental green woman standing next to the Eiffel Tower like she’s just minding her own business…

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Maidenhead MP confirms she will stand for election as Tory party leader in June contest

HOW MANY HATS CAN YOU FIT IN A RING: THE TORY MP FOR MAIDENHEAD is the latest to confirm she will stand for election as the new Tory party leader, when the leadership contest kicks off in June.

“I have to go for it,” she told LCD Views, in an exclusive interview, “I don’t want to be the only Tory MP who doesn’t put themselves forward.”

But why go for the leadership now?

“I want to offer the party, indeed the entire United Kingdom, strong and stable leadership,” the Maidenhead MP revealed, “our country is in crisis. It is deeply divided. I believe I can unify, by building on the outstanding work of the current leader.”

And what to do with the legacy of Theresa May, in the immediate, will be a pressing issue for the next prime minister.

“I suspect she won’t be able to pass her Withdrawal Agreement, prior to being frogmarched out of office by a bunch of swivel eyed nostalgia freaks who dabble in shorting the pound, so I will take up the baton and get it through parliament.”

So a continuity candidate?

“Very much so. In the fullness of time historians will judge Ms May’s premiership properly,” the Maidenhead MP is certain, “right now, she’s a strong woman doing a difficult job with just the right amount of xenophobia.”

But critics within the party have hit out at the Maidenhead MP’s decision to put her hat in the ring.

“I don’t see how she can stand for the leadership when she’s the one standing down?” Lord Tinpot asked.

She’s wearing a false moustache, we informed the peer.

“Oh well, that’s different then. I always wanted Ms May to carry the can for Brexit, so I will support the MP for Maidenhead in fulfilling Ms May’s legacy.”

We’d ask who you will vote for, but unless you’re part of the 0.6% of the UK population that is a member of the Conservative Party, you won’t be asked.

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Home Office releases film to encourage teaching of British martial art Ecky Thump, introduced by Liz Truss

“No karates please, we’re British!” Liz Truss MP demands in the intro to a new Home Office film aimed at encouraging the teaching of indigenous, British marital arts instead of foreign nonsense.

“For too long now proper British children have been corrupted by sneaky, foreign cultures using physical exertion as a way to sneak into innocent minds,” she continues, “this stops now! Working with the Home Office I have made a home movie that shows the pure path for British kids is Ecky Thump.”

The film then goes on to show the various ways a black pudding can be used as both an offensive and defensive weapon in situations of physical peril.

But not everyone has greeted the new initiative with the acclaim it deserves.

“Is Ecky Thump an Olympic sport?” a traitor, who we have not named for their own protection, wanted to know, “British teams have a long history of excelling on the international stage in a wide range of foreign sports, not least the martial arts. This is a step backwards that epitomises the bollocks that is Brexit.”

These bad questions merely serve to underline Conservative Party leadership hopeful Truss’ point.

“I would go further,” she adds in an editorial printed in the Saturday Torygraph, to encourage take up of Ecky Thump in schools, “and ban foreign nonsense outright. It’s not enough that British pork and cheese exports under perform due to internal sabotage, must our children never learn to wield a sausage aggressively too?”

LCD Views commends Ms Truss, and the Home Office, in their efforts to reclaim the cultural battlefield as Britain looks forward to a brave future as a pioneering, seafaring, free trading, sausage wielding nation freed of the shackles of the EU.

We would go further too. We urge the government to immediately begin petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Ecky Thump an olympic sport that only proper British people are allowed to compete in. This will ensure a clean sweep of all the gold medals.

The popular 1970’s British culture group, The Goodies, known as advocates for the martial art, were not available for comment. Buggered if we can work out why.

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Nigel Farage hospitalised after eating contaminated sausage

HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE SANE : THE EU’S FAMOUS food hygiene regime, forced tyrannically upon member states to stop people becoming ill and dying in droves, is under scrutiny today after a high profile food poisoning incident in a Yeovil park.

“Shortly before 8pm last night an ambulance was called to a green space in Yeovil where the Brexit Party were holding a sausage sizzle to raise money, in order to give their funding a veneer of normality,” a spokesman for Yeovil CID told LCD Views, “it appears a middle aged man of the people, it seems entirely funded by curiously funded millionaires, was taken ill after consumption of a suspicious sausage.”

The man in question is rumoured to be none other than Nigel Farage.

“As the individual concerned buckled at the knees and began to vomit violently across the grass a sharp eyed supporter noticed something badly amiss with the sausage he had consumed. At this stage a companion piece of meat was still on the bbq.”

Immediately terrified attendees cordoned off the BBQ to ensure the evidence was not spoiled by being eaten.

“An ambulance service arrived quickly, so too the local police,” the spokesman continues, “the man, at this stage it is said already lapsing into a coma, was reluctantly taken to the Yeovil accident and emergency department. Police slowly summoned forensics officers who bagged and tagged the suspiciously foreign looking sausage.”

The ill man’s stomach was belatedly pumped and treatment is ongoing.

“At this moment the man is receiving heavy doses of toad in the hole in the hope of reversing the effects of the toxic, Euro symbol shaped sausage.”

We heard further from a red faced man who attended the sausage sizzle.

“When they bussed me in they told me I’d get to meet Nigel,” Mr A Gammon of Gammon-on-gammon told LCD Views, “but no sooner had I arrived after shouting traitor for an hour at a house with an EU flag in the window, then I saw him just go down. They told me the sausages were safe to eat. They told me I wouldn’t get hurt. This is why we have to leave the EU on WTO terms immediately, before anyone else is attacked by the fifth columnist insurgents working to undermine the will of the people.”

After a heavy intake of breath the man added,

“The Brexit Party should go back to just receiving thousands of small donations daily through Paypal from overseas backers,” he added, “heaven help it if I’d eaten some tainted meat. I’d never live it down. Or keep it down for that matter.”

At this point we’d normally say ‘oh the humanity’, but that wouldn’t be appropriate in this case.

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Tories aim to build on their local election performance by losing all of their MEPs

The Tories have finally, and reluctantly, joined the race to the EU election. They are so reluctant to run, that they have forgotten their running shoes, and left their kit behind on the big red bus.

Naturally, some are trying to spin this as a positive. “We only lost 1300 seats in the local elections!” gushed activist Rab Idwright-Winger. “We will lose far fewer in the forthcoming EU election.”

This is undoubtedly true. There are only 18 Tory MEPs, and the challenge is for all of them to lose their seat.

Idwright-Winger had some insight into this challenge. “There’s no chance of winning,” he admitted. “Since we have only just conceded that there will have to be an election. This is the fault of Labour for failing to capitulate to our demands to get Brexit sorted this week.”

Meanwhile the Brexit Party is in pole position, leading poll after poll. “Farage’s mob are the only ones still promising a unicorn for every family,” grumbled Idwright-Winger. “People are still falling for it, which is why we haven’t ditched Brexit, nor will we ever until power is wrenched from our cold, dead hands. The Brexit Party is a personality cult, and Farage himself is a complete cult!”

We may not have heard that last word correctly.

What do The People say? Do they want Tory MEPs or not? “I couldn’t give a toss,” said one of The People, Manny Zaniland. “Every man is an island, which sounds good but I haven’t got a clue what it means. I just want my unicorn, and I’m prepared to get very cross about it indeed coz foreigners.”

Interesting analysis there.

So it looks like the Conservative Unionist Nazi Tendency party is going to lose out to the real Nazis. They are letting Farage in by the back door, which must be a pain in the arse.

People of the UK, vote with your feet. No, actually, use the little pencil on a string.

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Tory-Labour talks just six weeks of being unable to decide what to watch on Netflix together before giving up

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE: There are credible reports this afternoon that the joint Tory Labour Party talks have broken down. This without finding a way to deliver baby Brexit.

Do not expect sources from either party to suggest that the problem was Brexit, but rather they’ll blame one another, as agreed, at the start of the talks.

“It was a time wasting exercise,” our political correspondent reports, “both party leaderships decided the most fruitful way to deal with the unsolvable issue of Brexit was to waste more time. That’s the only way to deal with Brexit. Just keep wasting time and hope WW3 breaks out in the interim and means you can finally ignore it.”

But a non-partisan source revealed that’s not right at all.

“They agreed on a lot very quickly, within the opening minutes,” the source is certain, “they agreed they both wanted to respect the will of the people, regardless of how narrow the result, how dumb the question or the evidence of illegality in the advisory referendum campaign,

“They agreed that they both had deep seated ideological reasons for wanting out of the EU, regardless of the endless evidence of harm to real people’s lives.  Or indeed what it will mean to be an isolated country in the 21st century world of regional power blocs,

“And they agreed that they needed to just give the people enough time to get bored with it all and give up and let them do it. Just to make it go away. It was all very easy.”

So what was the problem?

“They decided they had to make it look difficult. So they decided to spend several weeks binging on shows on Netflix. That’s when the disagreement started.”

Why?

“Theresa wanted to search for ‘Will of the People’, but Jeremy was adamant they should watch ‘Battleship Potemkin’ followed by ‘I Am Cuba’. But Theresa couldn’t think of a second film she wanted to watch. Without a balance they couldn’t agree to swap favourite films. So they then spent the next six weeks trawling through Netflix, watching previews, before giving it up in despair.”

Makes sense. We’ve all been there.

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Trump signs executive order to put his face on Mount Rushmore

Donald Trump’s ego has often been compared to a mountain, but his latest move has proven that to be true in a very literal sense, as he has just signed an executive order to have his face carved into Mount Rushmore.

The announcement was made last night. In his statement to the press he said:

“Look, it’s time we updated some of our national menthol – uh, menu – uh, tourist places to be more in tune with modern times. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, sure they were OK presidents back in the day but we’ve had better since then. Hey, you’ve got the bestest one of all right here right now, and it’s time we updated Mount Rushmore to reflect who’s the best president ever.”

When asked if he was planning to add his face from scratch or replace an existing president, he answered:

“Doing it from scratch would take too long, so we’re putting my face in place of Abe Lincoln’s. There’s a lot of good reasons for this, for starters he’s the one that I’m most like, and for another, someone tells me he was president before Roosevelt but comes after him on the cliff, and that’s just silly. So really putting my face over his would neaten the whole thing up so that the faces are in order.”

The fact about Lincoln being president before Roosevelt but depicted after him on the cliff may be the truest thing Trump has ever said, although even then he’s only using it to justify his own ego.

Rumours are unconfirmed that he plans to replace the other presidents’ faces with images of his own family, and even rename the monument Mount Trumpmore.

The original Mount Rushmore took fourteen years to sculpt. Given the complexities of the redesign, not to mention the legal issues, the resculpt may not be finished in Trump’s lifetime, making this project all set to be the biggest waste of time and money in the history of the world.

In another unconfirmed rumour, the engineers tasked with this project are apparently going to take their time in the initial design phase, and not authorise any physical sculpting on the cliff until Trump is absolutely 100% happy with the proposed likeness.

After all, nobody in their right mind really wants to ruin a national monument.