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Boris Johnson offers to present both the prosecution and defence in his criminal trial

THINGS WITH SCALES : Boris Johnson is set for court on the 23rd May, conveniently the same day as EU elections, but in order to come out smelling of roses next Thursday (with a manure after taste) he has reportedly settled on a strategy for court.

“He’s going to offer to present both the prosecution and defence in any criminal trial,” a fly on the wall in Mr Johnson’s office leaked, “at least that’s what I think he said. It was a little hard to understand. There was a lot of mumbo-jumbo being spoken. He was really just making words up. But that’s the gist of it, I think, but don’t hold me to it, I’m about as credible as Bojo making promises to a fine young filly.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.ft.com/content/a9caa9de-766f-11e9-bbad-7c18c0ea0201

The strategy, if that’s what it is, neatly mirrors the one he is believed to have adopted when deciding what would best maximise his chances of being propelled by the EU referendum of 2016 to the Conservative Party leadership.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-secret-pro-eu-article-revealed-expressing-doubts-brexit-a7363781.html%3famp

It’s not clear how successful it would be, given that mostly he’d just be talking bollocks whichever side he was arguing.

“It’s not about the factual content of what you say,” the fly shrugged, “it’s about how forceful you can make your rhetoric. When you inherit privilege you can assume to be immune to the consequences of your actions. So I reckon he will do a bloody good job of prosecuting himself. He’s already condemned in the court of public opinion, except for some nostalgia freaks in the actual Tory party. Oh and people who like repeatedly punching themselves in the brain. They quite like him too.”

We would like to wish Mr Johnson justice and request people keep an open mind, just like Boris is alleged to have done when deciding whether or not to argue for the humiliation of the UK in early 2016, for his personal gain, or whether it would be better to attempt to defend the country, for the same reason.

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UKIP now advising candidates to pre-soak in milkshakes before campaigning

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Rumours out of UKIP HQ today suggest the brains trust running their EU election campaign has begun advising their MEP candidates to pre-soak in milkshakes, before they go out campaigning.

“It’s to take back control of the initiative on the pavements,” UKIP head of campaign strategy, Mr Lactose Dunce, told LCD Views, “if those traitors that don’t like racists see our candidates already dripping wet with milkshake, of any flavour, but preferably vanilla because that’s a white milkshake, so it must be the best colour milkshake, then they won’t bother throwing milkshakes at us.”

Why the focus on vanilla in particular has already been explained above. There is no suggestion that a deluded and dangerous rump group of pretend politicians are being ironic with the choice, even though they are anything but vanilla.

“We did suggest to McDonalds that they stop selling milkshakes during the EU election campaign but they didn’t reply to us,” Mr Dunce added, “which is pretty rude when you consider what we’re doing to boost their sales in the regions of England.”

Earlier strategies of tweeting threats of violence at the general public, should they attempt to throw a milk based beverage at a kipper, seem to have failed.

“The milkshake covers a wide area on launch,” our campaign analyst notes, “it’s essentially the shotgun of the beverage world. An egg is a smart bomb that needs to be fired with precision, but is prone to navigational failure, or it needs to be held in the hand and detonated on target. This is too risky a munition given the target is normally surrounded by football hooligans seeking any pretence for violence. So the milkshake is a smart bomb shot gun. It combines the best of two very useful weapons systems.”

Other suggestions to candidates, such as wrapping themselves in clingfilm are being considered. But it’s feared that the clingfilm, combined with the obligatory tin foil hat, will lead to overheating on warm days.

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All Brexit Party handouts to be issued with nut allergy warnings

We’re used to seeing allergy warnings on food labels these days, and if it saves lives that’s all to the good. But now we’re going to be seeing them in a different place, albeit for much the same reason.

Political pamphlets and other handouts are now going to come under the same scrutiny, and anything that contains nuts will be required by law to include allergy warnings. This includes anything you receive from the Brexit Party and other extreme right-wing parties full of nuts, like UKIP and the Conservatives.

Food safety standards officer Al Erginotiss had this to say:

“Any materials for public consumption need to be inspected by us for any harmful content, in case of allergies. If you have a nut allergy and know in advance that something contains nuts, you know to keep clear of it and could save your life by doing so,

“And extreme right-wing politics operate on the same principle, and they are full of nuts at the moment, their contents are frequently indigestible to even the toughest stomachs. The public need to be informed going in that there are elements here that could be hazardous to their health.”

Nigel Farage barged into our office to say it was outrageous. Nobody asked him to, he just barged in regardless. He couldn’t even tell us why it was outrageous, insisting we wait until after the European elections to find out. We thanked him for his input and politely told him to go back to where he came from. He didn’t appreciate the irony, and it was only when we called security that he left, shouting obscenities at us. Apparently we were the fourth office to eject him in a single afternoon, and not the last either.

The ban comes into effect on May 16th. Any political materials pertaining to the Brexit party or other extreme right-wing groups will be legally required to include these notices. If you see any that don’t conform to this, you can report them to the relevant health watchdogs.

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England set to devolve back into warring Anglo-Saxon kingdoms thanks to Brexit

BACK TO THE FUTURE : A comprehensive study by the Faculty of Futurology, Alfred is Great University, Wessex, has found that the United Kingdom is set to devolve back into warring Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, thanks to Brexit.

“We’re not sure if even stopping Brexit will halt the dissolution of the union,” Professor Ecgberht told LCD Views, “you see they had an independence march in Cardiff on the weekend? A massive one up in Glasgow the weekend before, that went largely unreported in the England centric MSM. It’s only a matter of time until the Cornish independence movement kicks off again. The English politicians down in Westminster, squabbling over whether or not we should have Lexit or Brexit, really have fucked the pooch, so far as unity of the UK is concerned.”

But while no one who bothered to do even the simplest bit of research in 2016 prior to the referendum is surprised at the movements in the different nations of the UK, it’s a bit of a surprise to learn the acid of Brexit is eating even into the fabric of England itself.

“If you were in one of the big cities of England, you know the type, the metropolitan bubble, and you have numerous friends and relatives from EU27 states, you’ve watched them go through hell thanks to a joint desire of Labour and Conservatives to end Freedom of Movement for their own twisted ideological aims. Are you going to stand for that? Added to your own loss of rights and freedoms with Brexit? Sod that. Go indy. It’s the way forward.”

As the study mostly focused on England, it’s uncertain if Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will go further than separate countries and back into kingdoms or clan controlled areas, but there’s no question about England.

“A lot of the English hate themselves now. Why would they not want to leave England, but stay in England? And what do you do when searching for a new identity? You look to your roots. So it’s Anglo-Saxon all the way. That is not all bad, it certainly proves the people who turn out each weekend to stage re-enactments of famous battles from the Dark Ages were right to do so.”

Whether or not the Scandinavian countries will seek to invade and settle afterwards is not yet clear.

“Well, just don’t build your best churches on islands off the coast of Norfolk, that would be my advice,” Professor Ecgberht adds.

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Government denies secret group working for psychic solution to Brexit

MENTAL : LEAKED documents to this supranational publishing sensation suggest the government is spending £350m a week on a secret group working to discover a psychic solution to Brexit.

“They began practising by staring at a rock called Graham,” the document reveals, “it was Dominic Raab’s pet rock. He used to keep it on his desk to warn people entering his office that he was hard and heavy.”

But it appears that after Graham became unwell, the group moved on to other objects.

“They tried a marrow next. It was stolen from Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment. There’s a growing suspicion that somehow having Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Patterson staring at it day in and out is what caused so much confusion within Labour leadership over Brexit. So that was the first success.”

Next the group moved on to staring at a photo of Theresa May.

“They’re still doing that even now after her premiership has died. They’ve let Liz Truss take it home under orders to continue to stare at it. This doesn’t seem to be working, as it’s supposed to come back alive and take the blame for whatever Johnson does. It’s thought because Liz has swapped May’s photo for one of her own and is just making affirmations about becoming prime minister next.”

But the real surprise in the document was the fact that the group has now moved on to staring at actual Brexit. That they have somehow nailed down one Brexit and are attempting to increase its vibration to a strength that makes it viable.

“It’s just a cardboard cutout of a unicorn,” the paper ends, “but the Dominic’s really believe. Initially nothing was happening and then they realised there was a map of the English Channel on the wall. It’s believed that was putting one of them off because of the shock value of realising Britain was an island. They removed the map and things are going much better now. Brexit is expected to begin levitating shortly and that will be a sign that it’s working. Once the rock turns into a hand grenade with its pin out they’ll know they nailed it.”

Brexit, our best minds are working on it.

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Tories and Labour in race to Oblivion

The two main political parties are neck-and-neck in the polls. Both are straining desperately for the lower hand as oblivion beckons.

Neither has realised that Brexit is like a millstone around their neck-and-neck. They struggle through each day, just to wake up where they started. The solution, obviously, is to insist that they, alone, can be trusted with Brexit. The wooden spoon is their ultimate prize.

It is as though Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to go on a day trip to Alton Towers. They both queued up to go on their favourite ride – Oblivion. Only this time, the rollercoaster won’t stop, but will crash, along with their traditional vote.

Traditional voter Mark Withercross gave his opinion. “I have always voted for one of the two main parties,” he said. “But I’m not saying which! It’s a secret between me and the ballot box. Anyway, these days there’s precious little difference between them, is there?”

Good point. So which way are you going to vote in the EU election?

“Don’t know, there’s too much choice, isn’t there?” said Withercross. “A vote for the Brexit Party is a vote for a lazy bugger to do sod all while we pay for them. Chuka and the ChUKs have more party names than policies. So it’s Green,or Lib Dem, or an independent. Bloody hell, there’s a sentence I never expected to say!”

Withercross is typical of many voters for whom their preferred party’s handling of Brexit has forced them to vote elsewhere. Not for them the adrenaline rush of a ride on a fearsome theme park attraction, or leaping off a cliff edge.

All we need now is for Barry Gardiner to claim that winning fewer seats than the Tories is a victory, because the winner is determined by golf rules.

The race for the bottom is well under way. The Tories and Labour are nearing terminal velocity as they tailspin to oblivion.

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Organised Crime a greater threat than terrorism, National Crime Agency says

WHAT HAVE WE ‘ERE: Organised crime is a greater threat than terrorism, the National Crime Agency has warned today.

”While there are many classic criminal gangs operating in the United Kingdom currently, perhaps the most powerful is situated in plain sight in central London. They even have an office with a big number on it.”

The main operation of the syndicate appears to be slashing police numbers so seriously that there are no actual coppers left to police the country.

”Burying investigations into suspected criminality of any nature, especially white collar crime, is another speciality. Also electoral crime. It’s rife under their rule.”

Financial matters seem to be of particular focus for the outfit.

”They’re experts at moving taxpayer money offshore into secretive accounts, via a complex web of apparent fronts like outsourced public services.”

They also deal in extortion and threats.

”The poor are their speciality. The most vulnerable live in fear. The callous disregard for humanity is a trademark of a firm like this. They operate gangs that appear respectable, but essentially act like psychological extortion rackets, praying on people’s fears and invading their privacy with threats of worse if their orders aren’t adhered to.”

And while no one is seeking to downplay the risk and impact of terrorism (genuinely), the NCA is worried that there are simply not enough resources to cope with the actions of the syndicate and their offshoots, the Little Englanders. Millions of people are believed to have been driven into poverty by what some call legalised, domestic terrorism.

”Criminal cash from overseas is also stored all through London at the encouragement of the mob.”

Gun running to middle eastern trouble spots is another area of particular profit, regardless of the human cost.

When asked what they intended to do about it, a Downing Street spokesman looked menacing and simply asked,

”Did Big T send you?” before crackling his knuckles and turning away.

It’s clear that without intervention the problem can only go from bad to worse as their reign of terror shows no sign of abating on its own.

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Political parties trying to make Brexit happen tell voters it’s their fault if Brexit Party does well in EU elections

SPHINCTER SAID WHAT : Two major English political parties that are determined to make Brexit happen have been sure to tell voters it will be their fault if Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party does well in next week’s EU elections.

“Don’t look at us,” a spokesman for the Conservatives told LCD Views, in an exclusive, invented interview,

“just because David Cameron lost his mind in 2014 and promised an IN/OUT EU referendum on the vaguest of questions, relevant to the complexity and scale of the issue, because he didn’t have the guts to face down the lunatic fringe, it’s not our fault if Farage’s limited company does well next week.”

Similarly a source from Labour had this to say,

“We’re telling you, if you don’t vote for us, a party that has a commitment to deliver Brexit on our website, but instead vote for Nigel Farage, whose only perceivable political reason for existence is Brexit, then it’s your fault if he does well,

“Not ours for aligning with him on principle over Brexit, but your fault for being so bloody confused by our triangulation and fudge that you’ve given up and decided to vote for the Liberal Democrats, Greens, Plaid, SNP or god help it, Chuka’s new group.”

It’s important that both the governing Conservatives, a party that now only exists to attempt Brexit, and the official opposition Labour Party, a party that refuses to oppose the Conservatives on Brexit, remind everyone that if Farage’s far right party does well, it’s their fault for not voting for a different party that is also committed to the far right project of Brexit.

Is that clear? It’s not their fault. It’s yours. Any suggestion that maybe they should grow a pair of balls and fight Farage on the validity of Brexit is an attempt to undermine the leadership, both of them.

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Parliament replaced by popular social media GIF as everything is fine

TWIDDLING THUMBS : Fantastic news for anyone concerned about the ongoing governance of the United Kingdom today. Firstly, there really isn’t any, but secondly that’s because everything is now fine.

To celebrate the people who used to do stuff in the Palace of Westminster have decided to replace the lower house of parliament with a popular social media GIF.

“Bercow will still be in his chair though,” our parliamentary correspondent reports, “because he’s a smash hit. He’s the top rated programme on the BBC’s parliament channel. Mostly because he seemed to be about the only person capable of getting anything done in the house, before they realised everything was now fine.”

And there’s no need to worry about MPs suddenly getting deluged with constituency work, because everything is now fine.

“It only took nine years to turn the UK into a total basket case,” a Tory source told us, “but we’ve done it. We’ve earned our rest. We’re going to concentrate on our leadership contest now. We need a renewed vision for the future. Someone to oversee the inevitable breakdown of the actual union of the United Kingdom, now that everything is fine.”

But not everyone is happy that everything is fine.

“There’s always a few killjoys,” the Tory source shrugs, “sticks in the mud. Glass half empty types. I wouldn’t pay them any heed.”

Anyone else who may have a furrowed brow at the news parliament is now just a GIF which repeats itself constantly should consider, if this is what just deciding to do Brexit has done to parliament, before it’s even happened, imagine what it’s going to be like if the crazed bastards ever actually begin the diabolical, far right project?

To celebrate we’ve added a link below to a page just full of reassuring GIFs communicating the message that this is fine.

https://tenor.com/search/this-is-fine-gifs

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Trump proposes extra $1.6bn so NASA can hide his tax returns on Mars

Donald Trump has been championing a return to outer space ever since he took office, and it’s pretty much the only decent idea he’s had in his life.

Now it turns out, to the surprise of absolutely nobody with any sense, that he has an ulterior motive for doing so.

Trump admitted last night that he was looking for a place to hide his tax returns where the IRS couldn’t get at them.

“These documents are absolutely totally top secret,” he explained. “It is vital for national security that they are placed beyond the reach of anyone who would do harm to your glorious leader – uh, nation, glorious nation, that’s it.”

Rumours were rife that he intended sending the documents on a mission to Mars stocked full of explosives which would be accidentally detonated once the shuttle left the earth’s atmosphere, until he realised that he might have need to look at the documents himself at some point.

This wouldn’t prevent an accidental explosion from taking place on the return trip, until it was pointed out that there was no guarantee of him being the only person who would know the exact location in which the files were hidden.

Trump spent several minutes pondering this one before finally coming up with an answer.

“I’ll lead the mission myself. When we land I’ll go off on my own and take the top secret documents with me and hide them somewhere no one else can find them and I won’t tell anyone where they are.”

This will involve making a special spacesuit for him so he can move about without being traced.

The senior astronaut on the mission, Major Tom Starr-Mann had this to say:

“The idea is foolproof. We can touch down, drop him off so he can hide his files, and the minute he’s out of the landing craft, we shut the doors and blast back off again.”

Other senior NASA officials were quick to get behind this plan, all agreeing that it would be worth every penny spent if it comes off.

The Martian launch is scheduled to take place just as soon as they can build a powerful enough rocket to carry such a weight of financial mismanagement into orbit. We wish them luck.