LCD Views

MAKING MONEY EXCLUSIVE : LCD VIEWS is proud to help launch FTN’s genius new second income smartphone app for MPs!

In order to do just that we’ve asked Feather The Nest’s CEO, Mr Monee Isfree, in for a cosy fireside chat.

”I like the flames!” Mr Monee begins our interview, “I see you’re using FTN’s digital fireside app to replicate the feeling everything in the office is homely and warm.”

We certainly are. The way your app turns a smartphone into a projector and covers the walls and ceilings in fire is pure genius. We can easily see how you’ve achieved unicorn status in the gig economy in only your first year. Until the rafters fall in we’re not going anywhere.

”Nice. But I see you haven’t downloaded the latest version, released five seconds ago, that adds marshmallows on sticks to the view.”

We’ll get right on that while you tell our fascinated voting public about FTN’s new genius smartphone app for MPs.

”Thank you for the opportunity.”

Our pleasure.

”At FTN we’re always on the lookout for ways to disrupt tired democracies.”

Nice.

”That’s why we developed Golden Goose, the new smartphone app just for serving, and recently retired, MPs.”

They need all the help they can get. Being an MP is a full time job!

”Just as it should be. But how to get that second, third or even fourth income you need to make sure you leave parliament so much richer for the experience?”

A pressing question. I’m sure the record number of foodbank users in employment and families below the poverty line would like to know.

”Oh, this isn’t for them. But this is a way to let a digital disruptor in the gig economy give an MP more time to vote for strengthening punishments on welfare recipients, to give them the encouragement they need to work harder and be what they always wanted to be.”

Just so special. So how does Golden Goose work?

”It’s as easy as 1,2,3. An MP simply installs the app on their smartphone or tablet, selects the party they’re a member of and asks FTN’s wizardry to align the MP with industry lobbyists they’re most sympathetic to.”

And after that the money just rolls in?

”Straight into a bank account, potentially hidden in a complex web of offshore holdings. But don’t ask me, I just design the GUI, all that is for the accountants.”

This is really something. So if I’m from a low income family, worried about escalating costs, worried if the NHS will be sold off wholesale by the time I retire, all I have to do is become an MP and I’m set? Brexit or no Brexit?”

”That’s it. Although sadly not all MPs will use our app, we’re pretty sure a lot will and the face of our democracy will continue to change to more closely resemble the painting of Dorian Grey hidden in that loft.”

That’s it! I’m off to put myself forward for selection before the next GE. Thanks a lot Mr Monee.

”Oh, don’t thank me, thank the company who will be happy to pay you potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds a year for just a few hours work a week.”

Lovely, money really is virtually free.

“But only if you’re an MP.”

TGIF : Tory MP Johnny Merciless is reportedly injured after a fight with a Bladerunner, who operates under the code name of Ian Hislop.

It seems the fracas occurred during a question and answer session designed to determine whether or not the Tory MP is a replicant, like most currently elected to parliament, or an actual human being concerned about the welfare of their most vulnerable constituents. We include in this EU27 citizens, given the MP’s voting record on legislation designed to make their lives living hell during Brexit.

https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/25367/johnny_mercer/plymouth%2C_moor_view/votes

“It was when Ian asked Merciless to tell him about his mother that things kicked off,” our synthetics analyst says, after viewing tape of the incident, “it quickly became a shooting war.”

Why the question so enraged the suspected replicant is not yet clear, but it’s believed the answer lies in the phrase ‘the mother of all parliaments’.

“Mother is believed to take a dim view of the activities of her current adopted darlings,” our analyst muses, “in particular the current craze amongst the kids to have second incomes that dwarf their salaries as MPs, but require a fraction of the time commitment, while overseeing austerity and the punishment of anyone they can identify who was born into less fortunate circumstances than the majority of the MPs.”

It’s actually thought that the system for registering income earned additional to parliament’s salary should now be recorded as many MPs first salary, given the disparity in size to the MP one. Could this lead to a conflict of interests? It’s a pressing question that needs addressing.

“While I don’t know the ins and outs of the Johnny Merciless case, so I’m not commenting on that specifically, a general question needs to be asked whether or not massive second incomes are fit and proper for serving MPs? Because of the potential they create for distraction from the MP’s full time job as a representative of the people?”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/ian-hislop-johnny-mercer-have-i-got-news-for-you_uk_5cc46813e4b08e4e3482aa9e/

The Bladerunner in question seems to have emerged from the tussle less wounded. Johnny Merciless has been returned to the Tyrell Corporation for repairs and it’s assumed will shortly be back in business.

 

The latest addition to the political party scene has proved to be an instant hit. The Great British Cuppa Party (GBCP) has attracted voters from across the spectrum.

“I expect Nigel Farage is a bit put out,” said Betty Spysztov, GBCP founder. “Everyone at the WI and the Mothers’ Union was saying to me, I’m sick of politics, I would rather have a nice cup of tea. So the GBCP was born, and people with Brexit Fatigue have flocked to us in droves.”

This is despite having no funding, no policies and no manifesto. “It worked for Nigel,” observed Spysztov wryly.

Candidates are standing, or more often sitting, in every region. Armed with nothing more than a China tea set, a table and a set of dining room chairs, some of the more progressive candidates are also offering cake.

Nigel Farage has tried to emulate this naked populism by launching his very own Beer And Fags Party, but ran into difficulties. “We had a large take-up initially,” Farage grumbled. “But then our members’ wives told them not to be so silly, they drink too much anyway, and to have a nice cup of tea, and a slice of Battenburg, and not to argue. I had to cancel the piss-up in the brewery.”

But the GBCP has already run into difficulties. “Coffee drinkers have felt disenfranchised,” explained Spysztov. “And factions have developed. We have an Earl Grey splinter group, who are really hardcore. Already the milk-firsters and the tea-firsters are barely on speaking terms. There are purists who argue that we shouldn’t serve cake at all, although some permit biscuits, just not Jaffa Cakes. And don’t get me started on whether ‘scone’ should be pronounced ‘scone’ or ‘scone’!”

Despite all this, the GBCP is polling consistently around the 42% mark, enough to give Brussels a decent tea break during the next parliament.

Tea Leaves means Tea Leaves. Pop the kettle on, brew up, slice the cake. We’re off to Brussels.