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Man hospitalised with exhaustion after attempting to run Con, Lab and Change UK electoral campaigns simultaneously

BREAKING : The UK’s transport infrastructure is without leadership today after the man responsible for making sure the trains don’t run on time, Chris Grayling, was rushed to A&E, believed to be suffering from acute fatigue.

It’s thought the breaking point was getting interim leader of Change UK+TIG+CHUK, Heidi Allen, to not only have multiple names for one new brand, as well as a logo that looks like a draft plan for a zebra crossing, but to also put the kiss of death into their electoral chances in the upcoming European parliament elections by suggesting a ‘clean Brexit’ should be on any confirmatory referendum.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/heidi-allen-interview-in-the-house-magazine-1-6018710

“Shortly before dawn emergency services in Surrey were called to a private address after reports of a middle aged male in clown shoes collapsing,” a source inside Ashtead A&E claimed to have told LCD Views, “it’s believed he reached breaking point trying to devise a new campaign leaflet for Labour after hitting a home run with the PV free first one.”

https://www.politicshome.com/news/uk/political-parties/labour-party/news/103454/anger-labour-european-election-leaflets-fail

It’s not known how serious the man’s condition is, but our sources say medics are confident that after connecting him to an IV line, connected to a spinning bowtie that spurts water, he should recharge.

“It takes immense mental strength to ruin three electoral campaigns consecutively,” our source added, “and run them into the ground at the same time. Getting to the point where local Conservative activists refuse to campaign for the party was achievement enough. The Labour leaflet fiasco and then the massive work done for Change UK, well, anyone would be out of steam.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/19/tory-councillors-refuse-to-campaign-for-next-months-eu-elections

The individual concerned is expected to be kept under observation over the weekend, with a red nose firmly attached to lift his spirits in the hope he will make a full recovery.

“As long as sufficient sources of slapstick and clowning are kept in his environment he’ll be back on his feet and ready to lend the LibDems and Greens a hand, should they be foolish enough to reach out for one in the coming weeks.”

We wish the man concerned a slow recovery. He’s done enough for the country already. He should be allowed to rest.

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TOXIC TOMMY toxic shock shocker as fan rushed to A&E after vegan sausage roll contaminates gammon burger

BREAKING : A medical emergency at a Stephan Yaxley-Lennon campaign rally yesterday saw one unlucky fan rushed to A&E after coming into contact with a food substance they were deeply allergic to.

“It didn’t contain nuts,” a spokesman for the Whiter-than-White Shire Ambulance Service told LCD Views, “I mean everyone at the rally is completely nuts anyway, so they’d not be able to stand together in their little group if they were allergic to nuts. I don’t even know how they stand themselves as it is!”

It seems while nuts were involved, albeit only of the vaguely human variety, there was another danger lurking within the food available at the rally.

“They should promise to bribe people through the tax system,” a spokesman for the local constabulary commented, “that’s what mature politicians do. Not give away gammon burgers. Such a display of cannibalism is frankly an assault, and don’t get me started on the actual politics on display. And definitely don’t get me started asking how a convicted criminal is even allowed to stand as an MEP in the first place?”

But what was the dangerous food that caused the punter to be rushed to A&E.

“The individual concerned, a Mr G Gammy-gammon, is believed to have accidentally consumed a small portion of a Gregg’s vegan sausage roll,” the PC police replied, “this led to instant analphabetic shock and a tightening of the airwaves sufficient to stop him shouting abuse at passersby. And we all know without the ability to scream at people a Tommo fan boy is in a critical condition. I believe an inability to raise the arm in a flat palmed salute is also symptomatic of vegan food poisoning.”

But surely the food hygiene standards at such a rally would be watertight?

“Definitely no halal or kosher food anywhere in sight. And yes, no vegan or even vaguely vegetarian food. We suspect it was sabotage. There’s no other reason as to how the sausage roll in question came into contact with the gammon burgers.”

A local outlet of Greggs, near to the rally, has been cordoned off while police laugh at the people attending the rally.

For more information on this incident we have included a link to the article below from the minor news service that brought it to our attention :

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/tommy-robinson-told-by-police-to-stop-handing-out-free-burgers-as-bribes-during-election-rally-a4126946.html?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2N5fo61p1hoNXob1vptDxzqZBf-vQpOMc4V4-QaVXrSI9Y3raoVLQiccc#Echobox=1556266942

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Inquiry into referendum banned because it would mean cancelling Brexit

The referendum result. The last even vaguely valid reason to Brexit is under threat. Not from contradictory evidence this time, it is a victim of its own success. Naturally, the government has stuck its fingers in its ears and gone “La la la”.

£350m a week for the NHS? Exposed immediately as a lie. Millions of migrants swamping the UK because Turkey is about to join the EU? No it isn’t, and we can control migration perfectly well as it is. Take back control? Yes, let’s go and beg the EU for an an emergency Brexit extension or two. June 30th? Pretty please? No? Oh OK then, 31st October if you insist.

Yes, it’s all gone so well. But, whatever else, we will always have the referendum result.

Naturally, this suits Nigel ‘No Manifesto’ Farage right down to the ground. “We voted for Brexit, and I will deliver Brexit!” he told his latest rally, an audience of several old folk, their dogs, and the entire BBC Current Affairs team. “No other promises to get in the way, just Brexit, and then I will write the manifesto later to reflect what actually happens, and claim that I just ‘lost’ it!”

“There is no way we can consider an inquiry into the referendum,” explained Brexit apologist Finn Gersinthetill. “That would mean reconsidering the whole rationale of Brexit, and Brexiters don’t do introspection.”

But what if the referendum was corrupt, illegally run, and voters were targeted with dark money advertising after their online data was fraudulently abused?

“That would mean admitting that Brexit is nothing but a massive con,” replied Gersinthetill. “So Brexit would have to be cancelled, and we would all look like numpties who couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”

It’s well known that the referendum was a complete farce.

“All the more reason not to waste time and money on an inquiry!” said Gersinthetill triumphantly. “So long as it isn’t official, we can pretend it’s all OK until it’s over.”

They think it’s all over? It should be, but we are currently playing extra time…

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Chris Grayling revealed as campaign strategist for Andrew Adonis in EU elections

BREAKING : LCD Views has the completely imagined scoop today that Tory MP for Destruction, Chris Grayling, has been revealed as the campaign strategist for Andrew Adonis in the EU elections, which may or may not, be happening in the UK on the 23rd May 2019.

“He was the right man for the job, whatever the outcome,” an insider claiming to work in Andrew’s office told LCD Views, “Chris gets things done, not necessarily with any relation to the criteria established at the start, but still, just ask the ferryless ferry company, he’ll get you a result. In particular if you’re a Tory who just lives to funnel taxpayer money into private pockets, that’s the only result that matters, the quality of service provided is not important. So as a man with a reputation for action he was a prize recruit. He was certain to get a result that would catch everyone’s attention.”

And it seems he has. Best known for orchestrating the rise of Theresa May into 10 Downing Street, it’s thought Chris had some spare time on his hands before he begins planning for President Trump’s state visit in June.

“It had to have been Chris Grayling’s idea for Andrew Adonis to kickstart his campaign to become an MEP by cutting and posting Lexit spin bollocks onto his social media account and then ignoring the baffled outrage that resulted. Talk about knocking Nigel off the top spot amongst the chattering classes. Bullseye!”

While neither Mr Grayling or Mr Adonis have confirmed that he is working to help get Andrew elected as an MEP, or not elected as an MEP, we are certain his handiwork is all over the campaign, given the last 24 hours.

“It’s either that or Seamus and the other Corbynista’s have kidnapped Adonis and tied him to the same chair they keep Starmer tied to. They only get bread and water if they promise to say ‘respect the result of the referendum’ every day. Otherwise they get the hose…again.”

We wish Mr Adonis good luck with his career. He shone a light for people who want to vote Labour, but don’t feel they can currently because of the leadership’s support of Brexit, and one day it was felt, so long as senior and vocal figures like the Labour Peer stood steadfast for rule of law and the country’s interests, one day, everyone could come home.

Now, well, lots of people are redoubling their efforts to find a new home, judging by posts on social media. WTF Andrew Adonis. WTF.

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Downing Street orders emergency stop to FOM in case terrifying 16 year old Swedish girl attempts return to UK

10 Downing Street is not messing about today over the perceived threat from Greta Thunberg, the 16 year old Swedish climate change activist who has terrified middle aged men and women across the United Kingdom with her fact based activism.

“We’re also ordering an immediate gagging of all 16 year olds in the United Kingdom just in case they’ve been influenced by Ms Thunberg,” a Downing Street spokesman announced from the podium outside 10 Downing Street, “it’s an unprecedented move granted, to simultaneously close all 16 year old social media accounts in the United Kingdom, but it’s really just a trial run for how we’ll manage social media in the country once we’ve made a success out of Brexit anyway.”

Emergency parliamentary questions are already being tabled by no less than the entirety of the Conservative Party’s Westminster MPs, and numerous Labour ones in favour of a return to coal mining, as to how in hell the Home Office allowed the child to visit the country in the first place, when her stance on not letting the Earth become a boiling pot of piss that only extreme bacteria can survive in was already well known.

“Sajid is in the hot seat now,” a giddy aide to the PM told us, “he can forget his leadership ambitions if he can’t keep such dangerous thinkers out of the country.”

In defence of the grievous error to refuse the climate change activist admission to the UK, Mr Javid blamed the EU’s scandalous policy of freedom of movement.

“We’re going to put a stop to it right now, unilaterally and the EU can go whistle,” his office reassured, “just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Our phones are in meltdown with the fossil fuel lobby going bananas over this. We’ve already lost party funding from most of business, excepting hedge funds, if we lose big oil too the entire future of the Conservative Party is at risk. Whereas right now it’s about as secure as a polar bear in possession of sunglasses.”

As to how the refusal to allow Ms Thunberg to return will be explained to her, should she attempt to do so and risk an embarrassing international fuss, a government source said the official line will be she creates ‘a hostile environment for political fossils who are blithely ignoring how we’re killing the planet we expect our children to live on. That’s not on. Hostile environments are Ms May’s preserve and hers alone.”

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New species of political pygmies discovered in UK’s political jungle named

BREAKING : The world of science is the focus of excitement today with the announcement by naturalists working naked in the UK’s political jungle that they have discovered a new species of human.

“Homo brexiputlian is exceptionally short statured compared to other contemporary humans,” Chris’t Almight’y, Head of Devolutionary Studies – Museum of Natural History East Croydon, told LCD Views, “and while other tiny species of humans have recently been discovered in South East Asia, Homo luzonensis and Homo floresiensis, Homo brexiputlian is the first new relative of ours to not only occur completely in italics but to still be alive alongside us. Although the tiny nature of the temporal lobes suggest they do not do well with long term planning, so far as cause and effect. But for political pygmies such as this to thrive for so long is really a cause of wonder.”

Asked why it had taken so long to come across them, Chris’t shrugged and did his best.

“Well they’re exceptionally good at expanding in size when under threat, much like a bullfrog,” he explained, “and it’s believed they do often venture out of their own territory to forage in our own, but they expand to a normal height by excessive retention of hot air. People have realised they are odd, but not that they were an entirely distinct species, until now.”

What are their survival chances?

“Actually much better than you’d expect, given they appear to have little awareness of how their own actions are leading to mass environmental degradation of the UK’s political jungle and seem willing to live in ashes. They may actually be able to adapt fully to our environment, much like seagulls or foxes, and then thrive while mostly irritating the hell out of everyone in an urban environment.”

I hear they have some protectors too?

“Yes. The leaderships of both Conservative and Labour parties have pledged to respect the brexiputlians. Going so far as to declare the entirety of the United Kingdom as their sanctuary, and not just the political wilderness they evolved within, feeding off the intentionally, politically devised disenfranchisement of their taller homo sapien evolutionary relatives. It’s thought actually that a natural byproduct of the current government, austerity, is a key source of nourishment for homo brexiputlians.”

So we can live happily alongside them, with no risk to our own environment?

“Yes. Homo brexiputlians only threaten our economy, international standing and the rule of law, given they have zero respect for it in pursuit of political self interest. Unless you’re a fan of living in a functioning parliamentary democracy I wouldn’t be concerned at all.”

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British man behind falsifying of Statue of Liberty Wikipedia page identified

A British man has been identified by Wikipedia as being behind the falsifying of the Statue of Liberty’s Wikipedia page.

“It’s believed the British Foreign Secretary took umbrage at being owned by a departing French diplomat over waning U.K. influence in Washington, as a direct result of the stupidity of Brexit, and decided on the action,” a spokesman claiming to speak for Wikipedia said, “action has been taken to correct the intellectual vandalism on our website.”

It’s believed the page is also considering barring Mr Hunt from editing the page in future, but will stop short of banning him outright.

”Pretty much every member of the current U.K. government could do with a history lesson,” the spokesman added, “that goes further than dates of famous historical battles won by English generals. We would encourage Mr Hunt to read up and learn.”

A spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office was approached for a statement but the only reply was an extended groan of pain, followed by a short statement,

“First Boris and now this immature plank. When will it ever end?”

While the intellectual vandalism of the Statue of Liberty’s page is easily corrected, it’s not certain how fast the intellectual and moral vandalism currently being performed on the entirety of the U.K. can be repaired.

”If the shower currently in government aren’t got out soon it’s likely that the U.K. will only be written about in past tense on our page going forward.”

Jeremy Hunt himself has not been approached for comment, believed to currently be engaged in arguing with a toddler over whose dad is biggest.

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Night King declines candidacy for Brexit Party in EU elections saying other candidate’s views “too extreme”

BREAKING : In a blow to Nigel Farage’s co-opted Brexit Party, ahead of the EU elections, the Night King has declined an offer of candidacy, stating the other candidate’s views are “too extreme”.

But it’s not only Anne Widdecombe’s views on everything from reproductive rights to prison reform that were a turn off.

”The lack of a manifesto is also deeply troubling,” the King of the undead said, “you just know this mob of zombies will be after bringing back the death penalty and I’ve already got my hands full on that score. Why won’t they declare their beliefs ahead of a ballot? That hardly seems like the decision of a group who are claiming to be democrats. Blind vote. Get out of here!”

Additionally it seems concerns over how the Night King’s possible association with the Brexit Party will be spun have played a part too.

”They heard my army is also called the ‘White Walkers’ and they were on the phone, expecting me to lead some prize idiot march of English nationalists down to London? No thank you. That’s not my scene at all. Bigoted muppets.”

But what about standing as an independent?

”I’ve already been selected to stand for the Conservatives in Scotland anyway. I just wasn’t planning on going public until I’ve finished my current run in Game of Thrones.”

But that party is almost exactly the same as the Brexit Party or UKIP these days. It doesn’t make sense.

”It does if you look at the average age of the membership,” the Night King smirked, “a lot of them already have one foot in my army as it is.”

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The Brexit Party stands a brain in a jar as candidate in EU elections

The Brexit Party is stopping at nothing to dominate the upcoming EU elections in late May after the announcement that it will stand a brain in a jar as a candidate.

While it’s not certain whose brain it once was, to be revealed at a launch of the disembodied and pickled organ’s campaign later this week, it’s certain to be smart enough to gather in Farage’s target voters.

“It’s upset Fox and Widdecombe,” a Brexit Party campaign coordinator told us, “when they announced they were candidates they believed the facade of the party as somehow progressive and democratising couldn’t be ripped away any further. But now, with the formaldehyde soaked specimen agreeing to stand, it’s torn the limelight away just as quickly as it arrived. They’re not happy.”

It’s not clear what the brain in a jar will say at its campaign launch, if anything at all.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. Nigel has been practising his ventriloquism skills. The dead brain will talk alright and the audience will cheer ‘brains! brains! brains!’ in approval.”

The candidacy of the brain is thought to nicely round off the candidates standing for Farage’s new vehicle too.

“We’ve got a guy who taught his dog to do fascist salutes as somehow a champion of free speech, which given the track record on that issue of the group that devised the salute, well, you tell me who buys that and I’ll sell them a bridge in central London. We’ve another guy who makes rape jokes as if decades of social progress never occurred at all, an aged religious fanatic and a BBC regular who promotes far right values under a guise of being far left, now with a brain in a jar, the bases are covered.”

How the brain in a jar will work with the party’s manifesto is not clear either as the Brexit Party will not be announcing a manifesto until after the elections.

“It’s a complete and utter pisstake,” the insider told us, “Nigel has taken trolling the UK to a level even Putin would be proud of. You’ve really got to wonder what’s happened to the country when a sizeable number of people believed to still possess functioning brains, however rudimentary, are still falling for it.”

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Trump to judge Tory leadership contest in early June special after 1922 committee leadership rule change

The Conservative 1922 committee will meet later today to tear up the leadership rules of the party and scribble down new ones in a bid to oust Ms May.

“It’s the only way to solve Brexit,” said a fuming backbench MP who clearly has no idea that the problem with Brexit is actually Brexit, “I’m not worried about all the cruelty to poor people and foreigners, I voted for May expecting more of that, and to be fair she has delivered, but not on Brexit, which of course is the only way to finish what she started. So we need to get someone even more insane into the top job.”

The rule change itself is really necessitated by Jacob Rees-mogg and the other ERG hedge fund servants ballsing up their no confidence vote last December, when they realised to their horror that Ms May was too much of a control freak to actually do No Deal, the ultimate, immediate loss of all control.

“If we had a proper Brexiter in Downing Street and not a bloody remoaner we’d be watching the poor fight over stale bread by now while counting the profits of shorting sterling,” the backbencher seethed, “this is intolerable. But we have a plan. Trump.”

Once the rule change is approved the next leadership challenge will be possible by early June.

“We’re going to televise it,” the backbencher advised, looking happier, “and Trump is going to judge the competitors for next Conservative Party leader in an Apprentice style format called ‘The Brexprentice’. It’s a total vote winner. And it will ensure that the right candidate gets the job, as only true believers in Brexit will be allowed to take part,

“And because the people won’t get a vote in this special, it’ll be democratic in the way we have redefined it since 2016,

“It’s hard to see how else we can help our special friends across the pond get stuck into the greatest concentration of private assets in the UK, people’s homes, just as the demographic that owns them is reaching a stage in their lives when they’ll need healthcare the most. It’s a win win. We’ve cut down the magic money tree now let’s slaughter the healthcare cash cow.”

Who will you vote for in the Tory party Brexprentice leadership special? Don’t answer that. You won’t get to vote. Brexit Britain is the plaything of the Brexiters and Lexiters and no one else.