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I could have been drawn into a life of crime, says minister upholding illegal referendum

Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.

This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.

Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.

LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.

“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”

Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?

“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”

Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”

This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.

“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”

The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.

“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.

You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/15/sajid-javid-i-could-have-had-a-life-of-crime

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Exercising democracy is undemocratic, says Jeremy Hunt

Foreign Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt insisted today that exercising democracy, by voting in the EU elections, would be undemocratic. Hunt was speaking at a doomed trade summit in Japan, where his attempts to tell them how business should be done have been dismissed as ‘Huntsplaining’.

Hunt is keen to use his Japanese, so it is possible that his comments have lost a little in translation. Our interpreter, Asumi Dunno, suggested that he only does it to show off to his Japanese wife (or is she Chinese? Or Korean? Even she isn’t sure these days).

“I think he just after hanky-panky,” explained Dunno. “His Japanese very good, but he making silly mistake all the time. Silly woman think it sexy.”

What has Hunt been saying about democracy?

“He say, don’t let people vote,” said Dunno. “People voted to not be in EU, so people can’t vote in EU election. England must leave EU very very soon or his party up shit creek without paddle. People very cross, he say. People will be angry if England stay in EU. There will be big fight, he say. I think he speak testicle.”

He’s talking bollocks, you mean?

“In Japan, we say he speak with his belly cut open,” she explained. “Liar liar pant on fire, yes? People already voted. Never vote again. Democracy only happen once, in case people change mind, he say. In Japan, we say evil cause, evil effect. Evil campaign, evil policy. It very wrong. It very toxic in England.”

Why does he think exercising democracy is so undemocratic?

“I assume he don’t know,” said Asumi Dunno. “He make no sense. He say, no to bad EU, very bad indeed, but we still want EU trade deal. He say, democracy is good, but more democracy is not democracy. He batshit crazy.”

It is true that Jeremy C. Hunt is the best Foreign Secretary since Boris Johnson. And if that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47933511

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UKIP spend a penny with new look flag projected onto White Cliffs of Dover

UKIP have spent more than a penny today with their new look flag projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover, launching their EU elections campaign.

The re-designed party flag has been got up in time to help tell the unelected MEPs that make decisions together about the EU, in a parliament, to bog off! Just like every time UKIP MEP’s get elected to the unelected, unaccountable EU.

”We need to distance ourselves from Farage’s new party too,” someone claiming to be a party insider told LCD Views, “we’re the natural home for neo-fascists, racists in general and just plain credulous idiots. Not Nigel, the splitter, Farage’s new outfit. We take advantage of people shafted by Westminster politics. We started it!”

The new look flag is raising eyebrows though, for the addition of a urinal toilet, when there are so many other fitting symbols to choose from.

”We aim to flush the U.K. away,” the insider clarified, “away from Brussels. Then pick up our EU pensions, paid in Euros, and laugh at the bank as Sterling goes down the toilet. It’s pretty obvious what the flag means. Just don’t ask me why it’s yellow and purple because I’ve never worked that bit out.”

For supporters of the party too it is a nice twist that will help defend them against accusations they’re going even further right under Batten’s leadership.

”It’s not a right turn, how can it be? Toilets have an S bend. So it’s more like we’re coming back around on ourselves, carrying all our same old shite with us.”

So that settles that then. Let’s hope on May 23rd it’s UKIP that is flushed away.

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New series Game of Thrones slammed as too realistic after experience of May’s premiership

BREAKING : LCD Views can reveal that the new series of Game of Thrones is coming under heavy fire from critics and viewers alike for a lack of imagination.

“Clearly the writers haven’t lived under Theresa May’s premiership,” any universal credit recipient, teacher, nurse, EU27 citizen in the UK, or just any voter said, “did they even bother to look across the pond to Blighty as they were story boarding this nonsense? The Ice King broke through the wall here years ago in the form of a flabby pig fancier.”

Even the political scheming in the famous television series has left people feeling half fed.

“There’s way more scheming in UK politics,” an avid fan scoffed, “even inside the individual factions that are supposed to be warring for the throne against each other. They’re doing more backstabbing and fighting against themselves.”

The unwelcome interruption of realism into the television show will lead to a surprising gain for an unexpected party however.

Our television critic had this to say :

“A double gin and tonic and don’t give me that look because it’s not even lunch time yet.”

They also addressed Game of Thrones.

“The ratings for the BBC parliament channel are already through the roof. The failure of the producers of G&T, I mean GoT, hic, excuse me…right. Oh my God. Did you put lime in Hendricks? I can’t even get a bloody slice of cucumber in here? The conditions I have to work under, I tell you, bloody appalling. Anyway, where were we?”

Game of Thrones…ffs….

“Ah yes. The producers of the Parliament channel have plans over the Easter break to jazz up old Bercow’s speaker’s chair and not with hands. The next time you hear him shouting ‘Orderrrrrrrrrr’ at the collection of white walkers, people of the forests, would be dragon slayers and multi-millionaire, career politician, pretend international socialists, he’ll be on a seat Sean Bean made famous. Rest in peace Sean, in every film and television show you ever star in, ever, amen.”

LCD Views would like to encourage the makers of Game of Thrones to try a little harder next time.

Basically take whatever batshit crazy nonsense is rattling around the heads of IDS and Rees-mogg and put some wings on it. Then you’ll have a dark, dystopian fantasy where the powers of darkness and light battle in a war convoluted by the personal inadequacies and lusts of ordinary men, i.e., the experience of the modern Conservative government and an opposition that seems too divided and inadequate by half.

Winter is here, ruling at Downing Street, and it shows no sign of buggering off. May a magical power intervene soon.

 

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Department of Health rebranded Department for Stealth

Questions are being asked today over the Conservative Government’s governance of the NHS.

“What’s with the reference to genitalia with the Tories?” Health analyst, Mr Big Rooster-up wanted to know, “we had Jeremy Rhymes With and now we’ve little bright eyed Matt Handoncock? Of course the ‘on’ is silent in the pronounciation, but we all know it’s there. Are we going to get someone whose name is like Bottoms next? For trend and theme?”

Good questions indeed. But this vigorously healthy publication would rather be more highbrowed and focus on the rebranding of the health service.

“Oh, the change from Department of Health to Department for Stealth?”

Yea. A puzzling change that appears to have no medicinal value for the taxpayer at all.

”That’s easy to explain.”

Please do.

”Because it’s more fitting to the way the Tories are pursuing Health and Social Care. Since they were bafflingly returned to office, after Labour bafflingly refused coalition government with the baffled Liberal Democrats in 2010. They’ve been stealthily selling off the lot piece by piece. Now we’re all distracted by Brexit it can really ramp up a gear. Then once they make a success of delivering on the will of the people they can finish it off in a fire sale. It’s just sensible policy that benefits all.”

It’s a little premature isn’t it? Changing the name will just attract attention?

“Who’s going to call them out over it? They just privatised a blood delivery service to the tune of £14m, that a charity was doing perfectly adequately for free! Ha! What a laugh. The public is so stupid.”

I think the public is getting a little cranky over it.

“Oh? Well, the government better hurry up then and spend the health budget on preparing for another No Deal Brexit Theresa May will never do, just to try and blackmail MPs into voting for her deal.”

But who benefits from all this? It’s certainly not you and me.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve friends in government. Here, would you like to buy a knee reconstruction? It’s such a steal it’s perfectly free, when you take up my offer of an extended payment term on this health service loan to pay for it.”

My knees are perfectly fine, thank you very much.

“Well, why don’t you start saving for the day they won’t be.”

Because if I need help I’ll just go to the NHS. I’ve been paying into it all my working life.

“And you’ll still be paying into it, just like now, even when it’s no longer free…”

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Boris Johnson fired from The Telegraph after stabbing the editor with his nose

Boris “Pinocchio” Johnson has finally come to the end of the (by)-line at The Telegraph. Witnesses describe the scene where Johnson, in an editorial meeting, managed to stab the paper’s editor with his telescopically expanding nose.

Our mole at The Telegraph takes up the story.

“It was an astonishing sight,” says the mole, codenamed ‘Adrian’. “The editor asked him what the thrust of his article was, and Boris said it was about The People being desperate for a No Deal Brexit at any cost. At his point, Boris’ nose started to grow longer, and longer, and longer at an alarming rate. The editor was unable to get out of the way in time, and ended up impaled on Johnson’s proboscis.”

At this point, Boris panicked. “Oh, my dear fellow, I’m most terribly sorry!” he said. “I didn’t mean to do that!” But the nose just kept on growing.

“Your readers will love my piece, they can’t get enough Boris!” he continued. But the nose just kept on growing.

“Don’t worry, I will soon sort this out!” he stuttered. But the nose just kept on growing.

Fortunately, at this point the door burst open. A stunningly attractive woman, hearing the commotion, came in to find out what was going on. “What the Jiminy Cricket is happening in here?” she yelled.

“Hey Gorgeous!” cried Boris. Immediately the nose began to shrink, releasing the bewildered editor, who sank into his blood-spattered chair.

“I believe in miracles, you sexy thing,” crooned Boris, turning his full attention to the woman. “If you think my nose is impressive, just wait until you see my …” But he stopped, as his nose was growing again.

The woman took two steps forward, grabbed the nose and snapped it in two. “Ow!” exclaimed Boris.

“Collect your P45 on the way out, Mr Johnson,” she said, tossing the fragments of nose onto the floor.

Rumour has it that Boris Johnson is actually in possession of a rather bendy banana.

https://pressgazette.co.uk/boris-johnson-telegraph-column-breaches-ipso-accuracy-rules-with-no-deal-brexit-popularity-claim/

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Disney release film adaptation of David Cameron’s long awaited memoirs

LCD Views can only speculate on the contents of David “porky” Cameron’s long awaited memoirs, but thankfully we don’t have to as Disney have released a film adaptation of the book, prior to the book release.

“HarperCollins are actually threatening to sue Disney,” an insider in David Cameron’s shed told LCD Views, “I’m so happy to talk to you. It’s so depressing in here. Mostly it’s just Dave sitting in that old armchair that belonged to Chamberlain muttering about how he wasn’t wrong to call the IN/OUT ref.”

That must get a little dreary.

“David’s mantra is ‘no regrets’, but Tony Blair phones him up every now and then and just laughs. I think he’s trying to do a Joker impersonation. David doesn’t want to talk about it. The prank calls are a little weird. Dave blocks Tony’s number, but he just gets another burner and calls again.”

We will have our people talk to ‘T Bone’ and ask him to lay off.

“Would you? Dave has enough on his plate, what with arranging for the silver to be polished and wandering the halls of the house wondering if he should get his wardrobe updated. Like, a total makeover or just one hundred new pairs of Diesel jeans and some thongs?”

So tell us what’s upset HarperCollins?

“Disney were sold the rights to Cameron’s memoirs but they weren’t supposed to release the film adaptation until the book comes out. It was supposed to be a tie-in. The marketing people are livid.”

Well, they’re probably fed up with waiting? The link between a fictional elephant that can fly, but no one believes in his hidden abilities, and an empty vessel of a man who triggered potentially the break up of the United Kingdom because no one believed in his hidden potential for blind stupidity, that’s a strong link. I wouldn’t want to sit on the movie either. Get it out there! No regrets!

“I think it’s mostly the ending to the film that has upset HarperCollins.”

Why? Is it not factual?

“It’s too factual. In the movie Davebo ends up with his reputation shredded, doomed to mostly be remembered for shagging a dead pig in the head. Oh, and buying a shed. It’s a spoiler that may put people off bothering buying the book instead.”

But what about Brexit?

“Oh, that’s doomed to fail too, so he won’t even be remembered for that in the end, it’ll be a footnote.”

So just remembered for allegedly shagging a dead pig in the head?

“Yes. Just as he deserves.”

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The Telegraph admits it’s now a joke paper

LCD Views can report today on a finding against a lesser known perhaps, and certainly less factual publication than our own, The Telegraph.

The news concerns how the press complaints authority, WTF, has found against it as a result of some propagandising bollocks written while half awake by Bojo, that the right wing rag foolishly printed.

”It’s long been understood that any of the numerous satirical publications available digitally contain more factual information than a right wing waste of good trees,” the finding read, “and it’s no surprise that The Telegraph, by paying Boris Johnson an eye watering sum to construct one word salad a week, was going to come unstuck.”

In an unusual move for the press regular it then included a link to Charlie Chaplin’s climatic speech from the climax of ‘The Dictator’, which we have also included in our robust report :

https://youtu.be/J7GY1Xg6X20

The finding said the speech was included as both a tonic and a warning to the self-serving aspirations of casual columnists like Mr Johnson, who have no qualms about using dog whistle racism to further their personal aims.

”Furthermore, we would like to ask how Mr Johnson, already a full time employee of the people, can justify such lucrative additional roles, especially when they appear designed solely to advance his own career, presumably the interests of his paymasters, and God only knows who else offshore? Are these the actions we expect of our elected representatives? And maybe it would be better if all additional incomes where forfeited while in office? And lying MPs removed?”

The newspaper said the following in its defence :

Bojo’s column was “clearly comically polemical” and “could not be reasonably read as a serious, empirical, in-depth analysis of hard factual matters.”

That’s what they actually said, but it goes for anything Boris says.

LCD Views thinks these are good questions to ask. Furthermore, as The Telegraph is spaffing money up the wall of Mr Johnson just to smash out nonsense, as confessed by the paper itself, perhaps they’d like to consider paying us to do it for half the price?

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Downing St confirms no one in U.K. has turned 18 since 23/06/16

Britons, both global and local, are being ordered to rejoice today at confirmation of a slowing of the ageing process in the U.K.

“It’s a marvel,” a Downing Street aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “if you look at the numbers we’ve produced, Britons, on average, have gotten younger. It’s really a youth surge! And better still there haven’t been any new voters coming of age since the overwhelming mandate delivered on the 23rd June all those years ago to Brexit.”

The statistics, released today to help combat perceptions that Brexit is predominately an old person’s game, and an old Tory one at that, will bring a lot of relief to people who worry their life is ticking away too fast.

“It will also reassure people who maybe wavering at the thought of how pissed off all those millions of young people are at the government. And what future that holds for the Conservative Party once it’s loose grip on power finally slips. Oh, and at the Official Opposition who also keep spouting the tired phrase, honour the result of the frauderendum and are doing their level best to help bring Brexit about too, against the wishes of people of all ages in their membership.”

Good news indeed. We presume the new numbers were produced with scientific accuracy?

“As accurate as Steve Baker explaining how to get around an electoral spending cap!”

That is vigorous.

“Yes. Not only will these better numbers alleviate the concerns young people have over demographic disenfranchisement, but they also help combat suggestions that continuing to honour the result of a corrupted referendum years ago, is now getting just a little bit silly and we should check what people think today,

“Oh, and a little bit disenfranchising due to all the people who voted Out who have died, and all the people who couldn’t vote who have since turned eighteen,

“Oh, and all the criminal activity that has come to light since. The foreign interference the government refuses to investigate,

“Oh, and the fact that every reason for Brexit has been shown to be complete and utter bollocks with no discernible advantage for anyone but tax dodging, inheritance millionaires and right wing, human hating bastards, curiously allied with far left ‘thinkers’. Hey! Some of those inheritance millionaires must be quite young!”

What will the government due to make sure everyone is aware that no one has turned eighteen since the 23rd June 2016? We think there’s a lot of misconception out there.

“We’ll shortly be spending millions across social media, and traditional media platforms, to let everyone know that anyone who claims to have turned eighteen since the EU referendum is lying.”

What about the people who have passed away since?

“They’re also lying. If you see any of them, you be sure to report them to the police.”

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The Brexit Party adopts the dodo as its emblem

The Brexit Party has chosen the semi-legendary bird as part of the party logo. This is because, as main man Nigel Farage explains, the swastika and the unicorn were already taken.

“We can’t use the swastika, no no no no no, that makes us look like Nazis,” he said, returning Annunziata Rees-Mogg’s Hitler salute. “We are not fascists, not at all. True, we don’t like darkies and other foreign freeloaders, but we have no immediate plans to start gassing them.”

Not the slightest hint of protesteth too much there.

“As for the unicorn, well it’s already a proud symbol of England!” Farage continued. “It’s on the English coat of arms!”

British coat of arms, Nigel. And the unicorn represents Scotland.

“Yeah, well I can put up with men in skirts playing bagpipes,” spluttered Farage. “After all, who doesn’t like a dram or two of Scotch whisky?”

Yet your party’s stated intention is to break up a union. If you succeed, Scotland will likely break away and rejoin the EU as an independent nation. Brexit will drive the unicorn away.

“Yeah, well, anyway, the dodo,” coughed Farage. “It has a special place in the hearts of the British people!”

As a reminder, the dodo was a flightless bird. It was ruthlessly hunted to extinction by the Conservative Party Conservation of Species sub-committee.

Farage backed into a corner, realising too late that his Brexit dream was dying, and that he himself was as responsible as anyone.

“Dodo means dodo!” he cried weakly, waving a small plastic Union Flag given away free in the March 29 edition of the Daily Mail.

Anybody wishing to join the Brexit Party should contact Nigel Farage in person. The best way to do this is to hang around outside the BBC until he inevitably turns up.

Evolution, or devolution? Either way, Brexit is as dead as the dodo.