Disused channel tunnel to be turned into a mushroom farm

Leave means Leave. Brexit means Brexit. All ties to the wicked continent will be cut off. This is what we, The People, voted for. The channel tunnel will become redundant. Secret plans released this week suggest that it will be used as a mushroom farm instead.

Government mouthpiece Poppy Cock spoke to LCD’s Dig For Britain correspondent to explain. “After Brexit, which is well on course to be an outstanding success, nobody will want to leave these shores, ever again,” she said. “Naturally, nobody will be allowed in either. The channel tunnel will cease to have any raison d’etre. This means that there will be over 20 miles of cold, dark, damp tunnels lying empty. It’s an outstanding business opportunity.”

“There are two tunnels, over 20 miles long each,” Ms Cock continued. “But they will be bricked up half way along to prevent Frenchness from infiltrating our nice English champignons.”

Plans are already in place to recruit Kentish volunteers to work in the tunnels. “Since Kent is to be concreted over to provide work and an American airbase, there will be displaced serfs aplenty,” claimed Ms Cock. “Their waste will provide the perfect matrix for fungus production. We have already renamed it Morel Fibre.”

Michael Gove will be heading up this important new enterprise. As Secretary of State for Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs, it falls nicely into his remit. He is said to be designing a new device to harvest the mushrooms. Treacherous wags have already dubbed it a “toad’s tool”.

Treasonous lefty traitors have drawn parallels between the new mushroom industry and Brexit. “We British citizens have been treated like mushrooms,” said subversive Sissy Snowflake. “We have been kept in the dark and fed large amounts of shit.”

John Bull is teaming up with Poppy Cock. So, is this a Cock and Bull story, or are they just full of shiitake?

Country continues to scratch head over brain teaser ‘Who did we elect prime minister on June 8th, really?’

Reports from social media analysts, Social Media R Us, suggest that a country that used to be regarded as an intellectual powerhouse is continuing to puzzle over who it elected prime minister last year? Even though seven months have now passed.

“No one has a bloody clue,” SM R Us told LCD Views, “officially the prime minister is, in theory, the leader of the party asked to form a government, following the result of a national ballot, but that seems not to be the case this time.”

SM R Us goes on to elaborate that judging by comments on all social media platforms, there is consensus that the woman who appears to believe she is currently prime minister just isn’t, in the public’s perception.

“Rupert Murdoch is pretty high up there. Paul Dacre too. A lot of people coalesce around those two media moguls being the actual power behind the throne.”

Not Elizabeth II’s toilet you understand, they mean the desk chair in 10 Downing Street.

“A substantial minority suggest some mythical animal called a lame duck. Others lump for Donald Trump, but he’s not even prime minister of America, so that’s a stretch.”

In face of the skepticism the woman who believes she is the British prime minister is expected to keep claiming it, until someone can prove to her that she’s dreaming.

So who does SM R Us think is PM?

“It’s either Boris Johnson or Arlene Foster, depending on how you look at things. Or maybe even Jeremy Hunt, given how he bossed the PM yesterday.

It’s hard to say, we’ll probably need another election soon to find out.”

Record numbers of female voters join Tories in response to male Tories defending Toby Young

The Conservatives pushed their membership over 200,000 today as women all over the U.K. reacted positively to the old men of the party blathering defences and excuses about the character of noted feminist campaigner Toby Young.

“I’m going to nominate him for Woman of the Year, 2018!” Twitter user, IheartToby tweeted.

Others were similarly effusive,

“The way the chumocracy of entitled middle aged white men have come out to excuse the horrifying misogyny of Toby warms my heart more than the Westminster sexual harassment scandal. It’s nice to know that even in troubled times like this, Toby can rely on his friends.”

It certainly seems to show, that in spite of criticism from people who have no idea about rebuilding a dying political party membership, apart from taking from the young the things they care about, that defending a man who has been forced to resign from a cushy, taxpayer funded new quango is the way to go.

“They’ll probably reach half a million new female members by the weekend,” a serious political analyst commented, “who wouldn’t want to publicly defend a guy who has made a habit of horrific, sexually focused denigration of women? It’s doing more to rebrand the Tories than any genius catch phrase thought up by May.”

One or two lone voices have suggested that privileged ageing men, who may have a general reputation as a group for not being very progressive, attempting to keep a man with such vile views in a chumocracy job actually hurts the Conservatives.

But what do they know? Probably only women who should be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hey Toby? Whadda you say?

Others have pointed out that the verbal denigration expressed by Mr Young is another incarnation of the appalling denigration of women, so common in modern pornography.

A further expression of insecure men who feel threatened by any sniff of sexual equality. They need to stamp down on it or they’ll worry their willies aren’t willies fit for the 21st Century?

“I couldn’t comment on that,” a senior Tory bull male responded, “we don’t know anything about porn.”

If only Toby had thought to delete tens of thousands of sexist tweets before accepting the job of destroying access to higher education for poorer demographics, then no one would ever have known what he used to be like, so long ago.

David Davis to sue David Davis’ nose after David Davis cut David Davis’ nose off David Davis’ face

The power of the state is to be turned against David Davis’ nose this week after David Davis wrote to the prime minister demanding she takes legal action after his nose fell off his face.

From a letter leaked exclusively to LCD Views we can reveal the above, and the Secretary of State for Shafting the UK’s reasoning.

“It’s true I threatened to cut my nose off my face if Barnier’s nose didn’t agree that his face needed my nose more than I needed my nose,” advises Mr Davis, “and it’s also correct that I proceeded to cut off my nose with my own blade in order to make it clear to Barnier’s nose just how far I was to prepared to go to maintain a deep and special relationship with the EU, while telling it to F off,”

There’s a lot of buts and it’s for a while, some outright lying, then,

“My nose has purposely ruined my best shirt for when I’m propping up the bar in the House of Commons.

There’s my own blood all over the place.

I demand the state sues my nose to cover the costly dry cleaning bill I’ve incurred when it took me at my word and fell off, after I cut it off my face.”

The Prime Minister is yet to respond to Mr Davis’ written demand, believed to currently be just sitting behind her desk at Downing Street asking passers by,

“When does this end? Can someone tell me when I’ll be sacked? I can’t do it myself. I can’t even sack Hunt.”

In response to Davis’ leaked letter the EU had this to say,

“Of course, when a member state comes to us and says it is going to have our cake and eat it and it can do it while cutting its nose off its face, we prepare for exactly that by standing back and having our own cleaners on standby, just in case, as any fool can see it’s all going to get very messy.

These Brexit people must think we’re as full of piss and wind as they so clearly are. It’s really quite incredible.”

It seems both David Davis’ nose and the EU can smell a load of BS a mile away, pity the same can’t be said for the individuals on our side who are creating it.

And the cost of Davis’ dry cleaning bill?

You guessed it, currently running at £350M per week to the taxpayer, and set to rise.

BOOM time for concrete suppliers as operation ‘Carpark Kent’ commences

DExEU is thrilled to announce today that it alone is responsible for “the boom time commencing for patriotic British concrete suppliers, owing to the car-parking over of Kent”.

“This is just sensible advanced planning in the advent of a ‘no deal Brexit’,” David Davis MP told LCD’s Aggregates and Other Materials Specialist.

“Clearly, if we do crash out of the European Union without a deal, or a transitional period being agreed, then the customs queues at Dover are going to be eyewateringly long.

Our initial plan was to build a bridge all the way from the White Cliffs to France, but that idea was abandoned at the concept phase, for being contradictory to the entire ethos of Brexit.”

And it’s not only concrete suppliers that are experiencing the joys of sudden influxes of giant amounts of taxpayer’s cash.

Demolition building contractors are right now ferrying busloads of labourers across the entire Kent landscape armed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers.

“We’re setting up temporary accommodation for the population of Kent in Yorkshire. Clearly, all the houses and standing structures in Kent have to be flattened as you can’t park lorries on bumps.”

The temporary accommodation is tents, for the most, with the first families to arrive being given the few trailer homes DExEU could requisition at short notice.

“We will be airdropping food supplies to the relocated people, for the first week, but I advise them to locate the nearest off license, as they’ll need to be self sufficient from week two.”

Labour however, in spite of the jobs being generated, have hit back at the new concrete focused, infrastructure plan.

“We agreed with government that there would be no contingency planning in advance of Brexit. Such treacherous moves make it less likely we’ll be able to nationalise the farming sector in Kent, when we take power in April 2019, as you can’t grow corn on concrete. We’re deeply troubled.”

In a surprise, additional statement, Labour even threatened to whip the PLP to vote against Theresa May’s government on a Brexit amendment again, but that’s thought just to be a bit of bluster and not a serious threat. It’s rumoured Mr Corbyn is still waiting for his pulse to settle after having done it once. You have to build momentum to vote against a weak government on its agenda of bulldust and lies. You can’t just launch yourselves into it!

“We don’t need to do operation Carpark Kent,” Tom Watson, Labour deputy leader, added later, on his facebook page,

“We’ve a perfectly sensible plan to continue trade, post Brexit, with the continent by way of thousands of little British boats ferrying goods back and forth daily between England and Dunkirk. It’s our new ‘boats first Brexit’.”

A boats first Brexit? That’s something we can get onboard with!

Schools ordered to teach new meaning of ‘democracy’

The UK’s newest Secretary of State for Education has taken to the job with gusto by ordering all schools in the United Kingdom to teach a redefinition of the word ‘democracy’.

“It’s whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean,” an aide to the new minister explained to LCD.

LCD : But what’s the new definition?

“I just told you. The new definition is ‘whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean’.”

The clarification is important.

“Too many people are clinging onto the outdated notion that our democracy is a system of government wherein all the voices of the population are heard and balanced by way of reaching a compromise agreement that enacts not only a majority view, but takes into account minority interests also, to stop them getting all disenchanted and militant and stuff.”

The old way was occasionally put into practice in the U.K. by way of electing representatives who stood in a place like a parliament and debated issues and respected the expressed views of constituencies while also, and very importantly, used their best objective judgement to make important decisions affecting the lives of all. This did not always square with the changing opinions of voters, but was a good check against mob rule.

“That was a pretty boring way of doing things. And tended to over complicate issues.

Brexit is a great example.

How do you deliver an agenda based solely on distracting lies packaged up as nationalism and appealing to people’s’ insecurities about a changing world in order to enrich offshore, tax haven loving, sociopathic billionaires if you actually debate the issues factually and attempt to balance a majority view while respecting a minority one too? You might even find objective analysis says it’s a real dumb idea. What a pickle.

It’s impossible.

The new definition is much simpler. We call it ‘will of the people’.”

LCD : But why change it now?

“Hopefully redefining democracy will go some way to bullying remoaners into shutting up about all of our lies.”

LCD: Critics will say this move is designed to distract the people from what you’re really attempting to do? And what you’re really attempting is contradictory of the old definition of democracy.

“Oh, you’ve just defined Brexit. We’ve no plans to redefine that. We all know Brexit means Brexit.”

Theresa May promoted to the Cabinet

Theresa May, the ambitious member for Maidenhead, has gained her reward for her unwavering determination and loyalty. A stronger or more stable figure could hardly be imagined. Her promotion will strengthen one of the strongest cabinets of modern times.

The Prime Minister of Brexitland, Rupert Murdoch, has needed to recruit new blood since the unfortunate departure of several stalwart figures. Michael Fallon felt the knee – sorry, felt the need – to leave his role after sharing Trump jokes with Julia Fart-Brewer. Priti Patel had to go after she was discovered talking to foreigners, which is to be outlawed under Brexit regulations. And poor Damian Green took matters into his own hands.

Some of the many aces in Murdoch’s pack have remained unshuffled. Boris Johnson remains Minister of Balderdash, and Jeremy C. Hunt is to continue as Health Secretary. Sources suggest that Hunt was in line for a major promotion, but he begged to be allowed to continue his excellent work with the NHS. Hunt has graciously accepted extra responsibilities after proving to be such a safe pair of hands.

There are a few new entries, populist pickers. For example, Brandon Lewis becomes Minister for Interchangeable Names. James Cleverly’s name speaks for itself. Indeed, he tweeted “I’m not just Cleverly, I’m a stable geniusly!”

And so to May. She has shown enormous flexibility in reconciling her pro-European instincts to the hard Brexit demanded by the Great British Public. She was considered for a position in the Department for Transport, but as she herself noted, “I don’t even know how to make a U-turn in government!”

Her wit, vigour and melodious voice will be valuable assets as she joins the Department for Exiting the European Union. David Davis tweeted “Delighted to have such a skilled negotiator on the team! Welcome Theresa!”, although reportedly he struggled to spell ‘negotiator’ and ‘Theresa’ without assistance.

There are now 13 Conservative vice chairmen. That’s a lot of vice to oversee.

Barnier calls for end of EU FoM after having to put up with a racist idiot from England all morning

The chief negotiator for the European Union, Michel Barnier, called for an immediate freeze on freedom of movement within the EU 28 this afternoon.

“Just until we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Barnier added,

“I had this racist clown in my office all morning banging on about borders and taking back control and immigration and Britain being full, it was appalling. He was straight out of the 1930’s.”

It appears Barnier didn’t recognise Farage at first.

“Apparently he is an elected MEP who struts about constantly complaining that the EU is undemocratic in some sort of endless stand up act. I didn’t recognise him. He’s never turned up to do a full day’s work as an MEP as far as I can tell.”

The fact that Farage is a surname of French derivation added to the confusion.

“I thought he must be one of Le Pen’s useful idiots. But apparently he is some English blowhard who is most likely working for the Kremlin. This alone explains why I now agree with the Brexit mob that we need tighter EU border control and an immediate end to freedom of movement.”

Mr Barnier went on to say he was also in favour of retrospectively tightening up the qualifications for receiving an EU pension.

“Mr Farage has done nothing even close to work in the EU parliament, in spite of apparently being elected to it for many years. It’s hard to see how working to destabilise a trading union that has helped reinforce peace in Europe since WW2 equates to a pension once he’s made his own position extinct?”

Additionally Mr Barnier suggested the building of a wall around the entire United Kingdom.

“If it stops men who micmic racist Nazi propaganda in referendum campaigns from getting into my office I’m all for it.

The United Kingdom can pay for it too, with its automotive, aerospace, pharmaceutical and financial services industries over the next few years.”

EU border control have been told to watch out for Mr Farage attempting to cross the channel again and to halt him at the border until his passport is blue. At which point he will be charged for a visa and asked to queue a very long time.

Oh those silly Eurocrats, Farage got himself a German one after the referendum.

He maybe the worst we can produce and an appalling hypocrite who has set a destructive and divisive national agenda that both leaders of both main political parties at Westminster have currently signed up to, but he’s no fool.

“Perhaps your politicians at Westminster, Mr Corbyn and Ms May, could have a little talk about whose vision of the future of the U.K. they are working to fulfil?”

Minister for the magic money tree created in major cabinet reshuffle

The Prime Minister is expected to reassure an increasingly cash strapped country today with the creation of the minister for the magic money tree as part of her major, groundbreaking, earth shattering cabinet reshuffle.

This will be a reshuffle so impressive, for protecting and promoting serial incompetents in the most senior government positions, that it will underscore the degree of authority exercised by Ms May over her cabinet.

“This is not rearranging the deckchairs on the cabinet of the Titanic.” S. Atan MP, Purgatory-on-Woe, minister for comfortable pillows, told LCD,

“This is planting the magic money tree firmly in the deck of the great ship of state where it will provide shade for our wealthiest donors. While simultaneously, and this is important, forcing its roots right down through the lower decks and out the hull, probably drowning everyone else down there. But not to worry.”

Who will be given the plum new job is not yet clear, but Arlene Foster is said to be in the running.

“She has the experience. She knows how to hand a prime minister a set of secateurs and a pruning saw and get them cutting. But perhaps someone with a fleeting association with Carillion may also be right for the eye catching position.”

Critics of the new post have already attacked the decision.

Taking to social media, on Twitter, our own financial whiz, Professor Money Boffin, had this to say,

“She is already creating a Minister for No Deal Brexit. Apart from robbing satirists of a headline, again!, the two roles are really one and the same thing, given it’s estimated a no deal Brexit would cost the UK £400 BILLION.”

But at least, with the creation of two new ministers, the priorities of the government are clear, blow all our cash and not have to pay for it.

And you can be sure, whoever is promoted today, has spent all weekend deleting old tweets!

Oh, and she’s been searching hard to find a right wanker to promote to the position of deputy prime minister, as that’s the major qualification.

Now let’s all get behind the government and make a success of Brexit, just like the official opposition (who is the leader again?) is currently doing.

Nintendo launch Pokemon Tory Membership edition as members getting hard to find

Game specialists Nintendo have launched a special sequel to their smash hit game ‘Pokemon Bro’ in reaction to the withering Conservative Party membership in the U.K.

“Pokemon Tory Membership will allow players to walk around their local area searching for Conservative Party members. The more active the member captured, the more points scored.”

It’s believed the launch date was initially pencilled in for after the local council elections in major metropolitan areas, but the release date has been brought forward.

“We’re worried if we wait until after the May elections there won’t be any members to find in major city centres at all, except for at the House of Commons, but players may have trouble gaining access to the palace if they aren’t press or work for elected MPs.”

Concerns have been raised though that take up of the special edition will still be sluggish.

“Would you want your friends to see you’d spent all day tracking down Conservative Party members and catching them on your phone?” LCD Video and Pinball specialist Reg Ular asked.

“Most game players are young. I can’t see them boasting to their mates about going out looking for Tories.”

But the special committee set up by the Conservative Party to brainstorm ideas about how to attract younger voters was more up for it.

“We were going to push for a version of the classic card game Snap, only all the pictures would be pairs of benefit cheats, overpriced studio apartments, tax havens, NHS services for sale, that sort of thing, but this sounds way more hip. This will totally build on stripping away membership of the EU and all the rights that go with it. Young Tories are fiercely patriotic.”

Anyone who does play the game is asked to be careful when catching a card carrying Tory as many have fragile hips, the average Conservative Party member age now being over seventy.

“If they’re younger, they’re likely to be completely, Patrick Bateman level unhinged, and will need distracting by laying out a line of Thatcher collector cards first,” Reg Ular advises,

“the best idea is to shout into the game’s voice function ‘economic migrant’, or ‘overseas development aid’, as that will immediately freeze most with rage and you can just bag them and keep moving.”