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Theresa May masks to be best sellers for this year’s Halloween

British mask makers are expressing their relief this morning at the news that No Deal Brexit is now scheduled to happen on October 31st 2019, and not Friday April 12th, as previously agreed in international talks between the UK and EU.

“I’m trying to keep a straight face,” one mask manufacturer told LCD Views, “this is why I’m wearing this Boris Johnson mask with voluntary mad wig, but I’m very pleased.”

The fate of mask designers and makers has been a key focus of the Brexit negotiations between the UK and EU, with many expecting them to only be allowed to produce Guy Fawkes masks forevermore.

“What sort of nonsense date was April 12th anyway? A nothing day. You try searching it online. April 14th, that’s a winner. Titanic and all that. Anyway, at least now we can get to finding terrifying images of May on Google and really get into production.”

The choosing of October 31st, or Halloween as it’s also known, shows the keen sense of humour the EU have developed during the process of experiencing a member state in a full blown psychological breakdown.

“It’s either laugh or cry, I suppose,” our mask maker shrugged, “hang on, just let me switch to this Jason mask. The EU27 should really be thanking us. It’s clear we’ve taught them all to have a sense of humour over the last few years. One of the tangible benefits of Brexit. And now they’re just winking and trolling us. I reckon if we have to ask for another extension in late October then they’ll offer us only November 5th.”

The May mask production will be in full flow shortly and mask makers expect them to be a burning success.

“Who else would you wear this Halloween? It’s really a way of saying thanks to the prime minister who’s done so much to help Britons to smile again.”

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‪Theresa May demands Article 50 extension of 40-50 years in order to remain PM for life‬

BREAKING : THERESA MAY is expected to be crowned prime minister of England, and the other places (she can’t list their names off the top of her head) for the term of all your natural lives this evening in Brussels, after she successfully demands an article 50 extension of fifty years from the EU27.

“The ERG are going to lose their collective shit,” our Brussels correspondent observes, “like, out of their minds, scat all over the walls like a monkey with a runny tummy. Because as much as they sound off, not one, I mean NO ONE, wants the job of prime minister until Brexit is delivered (like the screaming child of Satan clawing its way out of the underworld). Although I expect Corbyn will be chuffed. He gets to keep sitting on the fence, always looking like he’s about to do something, till he pops his clogs. Nice. Works for both sides.”

It works for the EU too?

“Of course, this way they’re not standing in the way of a member state leaving, but if the member state is always sat looking out the door like the proverbial cat, well, they win too. Even the break clause of forty years will be acceptable to all.”

We expect this may cause some dissent amongst the ageing, and physically dying, membership of the Conservative Party?

“So what? Pandering to their type is what got the Tory party into this mess to begin with. If they don’t do Brexit younger voters will naturally ignore an institutionally racist Home Office, food banks, homelessness, income inequality, a housing market skewed to the interests of kleptomaniacs from offshore, a shafted higher education system, a demolition of youth and social services leading to increases in crime, a pathetic train service, environmental vandalism in the form of fracking while renewables are discouraged, and all the other things, it’s rather a long list. Put Brexit on top of that and the Tories are stuffed, but without it? Who cares! They’ve a bright future. Well, May does anyway.”

Surely she needs a different title then? Because this won’t be a normal premiership, it’s more like a banana republic where a president refuses to stand down.

“President? Yeah, I think we can get royal assent for that. Just think, now that she’s pulled this off, some people will go from cradle to grave with May as PM, if she lives long enough. Even Thatcher couldn’t manage that!”

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First images of Theresa May arriving in Brussels to request another Article 50 extension released

First images of Theresa May arriving in Brussels to request another Article 50 extension have been released by the Event Horizon team.

”We were a little shocked that the supermassive black hole was so local, to Earth,” lead scientist Professor General Relativity said, “and that it’s not fixed, but moves constantly back and forth between Westminster and Brussels in a fortnightly sequence. This is essentially proof of string theory though, the string the hole is travelling along being Brexit, which is attached to numerous fingers, attached to offshore, tax dodging billionaires.”

What’s exactly on the inside of the Black Hole isn’t clear, as in over the event horizon.

”We suspect it’s Global Britain, the credibility of the office of prime minister, Boris Johnson’s boxer shorts and Lexit, for good measure, but of course we can’t send anyone in to find out, as they’ll be unable to come back out. They’ll be crushed the moment they cross.”

To jazz it up the team have settled on a name for the event horizon.

”We’ve called it No Deal Brexit, or WE’LL BE PERFECTLY FINE TRADING ON WTO RULES!!! But No Deal Brexit is shorter, so let’s stick to that.”

But critics have been quick to accuse the team of releasing fake news.

”We all know the Black Hole is either Boris Johnson as PM or Nigel Farage laughing all the way to the bank. I don’t know why they wasted all the time and effort to take the photo, when just look at Monday’s Telegraph column tells you everything you needed to know about it.”

Whoever is correct probably doesn’t matter, because if the U.K. doesn’t find a reverse gear to move back from the event horizon than everyone will find out, all at once, as we tip over.

https://www.bloomberg.com/amp/news/articles/2019-04-10/merkel-says-extension-should-be-short-as-possible-brexit-update

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Scientists release first image of a black hole and it’s exactly as everyone expects

Event Horizon scientists have released the first images of the event horizon of a supermassive, black hole and it’s exactly as everyone expected.

“Let’s be clear this is not a photo of the black hole,” lead scientist on the project told LCD Views, “unless you want to consider the black void that is the donut hole as an image, but for a photo you need light, don’t you? So it’s the event horizon we have captured.”

That’s fine. We’re not here to debate with you.

“Good. Now, the result really makes me wonder why we bothered. It’s turned out a bit like those experiments that discover champagne gets you drunk faster, because of the bubbles and the alcohol in champagne. Although I would contest that and say it’s because of the speed you drink the champagne that gets you drunk faster. Most people don’t drink that often because of the price and so when you get it, it’s free, at a special occasion and you get hammered.”

Is this still astrophysics?

“I didn’t think we were discussing that to start with.”

So describe the political physics for us.

“The event horizon we photographed by turning the entire Earth into a telescope [Ed. seriously impressive!] shows us that the rim of a black hole, the edge at which if you pass beyond you are doomed, is Boris Johnson stuck on a high wire.”

That’s not a surprise.

“No it’s not. Do you have any champagne to hand? I’d still like to celebrate my work and I can see you just liked to get hammered.”

We’ll drink to that.

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Britons united around common sense of “how the fuck did we get so many thick MPs?!”

BREAKING : We have common ground! Global Britons are now united and can go forward arm in arm once more.

The common ground is not around what particular form of economic suicide via Brexit to go for, while throwing precious rights and protections guaranteed by international treaties into a shredder, but rather around a sense of outrage and bafflement when looking at Westminster.

“Seriously, how the f c u k did we get so many thick people elected to the lower chamber at one time?” the overwhelming majority of Global Britons asked.

It’s a good question. An important one that needs an answer and needs that answer acted on.

“The fixed term parliament act?”

“The MPs expenses scandal that led to a clear out of experienced, but grubby, hands in 2010?”

“The snap GE called in 2017 that didn’t allow sufficient time to vet new candidates and so any old packet of mince got a rosette stuck on it?”

“Alien overlords, bored of intergalactic space travel and taking selfies with supernovas decided to just hang out and mess about with the governance of a small group of islands off the north west coast of continental Europe?”

Shouldn’t they have better things to do!

Exactly how we got to this point will be answered, over the long term, but probably not by the collection of planks currently billing the public purse in the crumbling palace by the river.

“It’s becoming just a little bit embarrassing,” a Global Briton commented, “we make a really thick decision to do something really dumb on the world stage and then entrust a lot of really thick people to do it. I can’t show my face in public anymore. It’s cringe inducing.”

At least it’s not all lost. There is also a growing catalogue of very smart MPs starting to push back and take control. But in order to do it they’re having to fight a whole world of stupid.

LCD Views would like to encourage the sharp ones to keep going. We never wanted to live in the world’s first official Idiocracy and we’d appreciate bringing it to a stop.

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Petition launched : Halt Brexit and launch a public inquiry into snack bar expenses of Mark Francois

LCD Views can report reliably that the UK is set to ask the EU for an exceptionally long extension to Article 50 in order to undertake a public inquiry.

“It’s not an inquiry into the criminality, sadly,” our law and order correspondent reports, “but into the snack bar expenses of Mark Francois. This is a result of over 16m people signing the petition calling for one.”

Calls for a public inquiry have been growing over time, most specifically into the criminality involved in the Leave campaigns, but so far the government is disinterested. This may, or may not, be related to the fact that serving Conservative MPs will just possibly be involved and sitting on hot seats.

“To be fair, you’ve got to start somewhere,” our correspondent says, “the eventual inquiry into all the crime will be massive. It will require a new government and the machinery of government will have to be well oiled by something other than graft. It’s thought the inquiry into how many bloody Mars Bars Francois has billed the taxpayer for will be good practice for the big one.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for acting. For some it’s a little baffling when they see reports of well compensated members of parliament billing the taxpayer for petty sums, when they themselves wouldn’t bother attempting to hit their employer up for every single Malteser.

“Fair play to Mark,” our correspondent says, “you’ve got to get your snout in the trough when you’ve the chance. And if the money wasn’t going on his sweet tooth it’ll probably just be wasted on something trivial like a nurse.” 

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Kate Hoey begins selling ‘Do it yourself’ home lobotomy kits after successful tests on Mark Francois

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Kate Hoey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Kate in her (former) Vauxhall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

A woman, known as KATE to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

KATE ignores ROSIE.

KATE waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in the ancient, unintelligible language of the ERG, incanting as she draws her circle.

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“Ms Hoey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Vauxhall?”

KATE glances rapidly over her shoulder.

KATE

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

What gate needs keeping?

KATE

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

KATE begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

KATE

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards KATE.

She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards KATE, who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

KATE

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted.

She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE

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Tory held on suspicion of eating Layla Moran and Yasmin Qureshi after BBC prank backfires

BROKEN :  LCD Views has wind of the rumour right now that the Tory/ERG MP for Northwest Leicestershire, Little Andy Bridgen, is being held on suspicion of eating two fellow MPs.

It’s believed the MP is being detained in a padded room, near to medical facilities, while police and trained medical staff attempt to determine the veracity of the claim. We sent an imagined reporter down to the location of this imagined internment at Guys Hospital in Westminster.

“Shortly before 5am this morning reports started to circulate that Liberal Democrat MP Layla Moran and Labour MP Yasmin Qureshi were reported missing after failing to come back from a BBC special specifically designed to give UKIP MP Andrew Bridgen an excuse to wear a pretend military uniform.”

The special, more correctly viewed as a prank on the opposition MPs with the BBC management’s full backing, was initially criticised for wasting license fee payers’ money, until it took what seems a darker turn.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-47855741/brexit-escape-room-can-these-mps-get-out

“It’s believed the motivation for Mr Bridgen to cannibalise his colleagues is in advance of Jacob Rees-mogg seizing control of parliament later this afternoon. This is thought to lend credibility to claims that Bridgen and Francois have been armed with pikes and told to arrest any MPs that dissent to the takeover when it occurs.”

We spoke to a medical specialist dealing with cannibalism to see if there is any chance at all that Moran and Qureshi could have either escaped (but be in hiding), or survive such a frightening experience?

“They’ll be fine,” Doctor Vomit told LCD Views, “if it is proven that Mr Bridgen has eaten them, they’ll be fine.”

But how so?

“In order to consume his colleagues Mr Bridgen will first have blown himself up like a bullfrog. He will physically have enlarged to a size that actually makes his big mouth appear in proportion. He will then have swallowed them both whole, one after another. It will have happened in the blink of an eye.”

But how could they survive?

“Layla and Yasmin are too full of factual knowledge for Bridgen to digest. Rescuing them will be a simple matter of forcing the ERG to disgorge the meal. They will be wet. They’ll want a shower or a hot bath and some time alone, but they will be otherwise unharmed.”

Phew! More on this as it develops, presumably after someone has stuck a few fingers down Mr Bridgen’s throat and caused the missing link to throw up the missing MPs.

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Simon & Garfunkel re-record Scarborough Fair about Brexit

The classic folk song Scarborough Fair has delighted listeners for centuries, and there are few more famous recordings of it than the one made in 1966 by the iconic 60s duo Simon & Garfunkel. Now the legendary pair are teaming up to re-record it, albeit with slightly reworked lyrics.

When asked why, Paul Simon explained:

“Everyone’s re-recording their old hits these days, I’ve even done it myself, I know, but this was something different. I looked at what was happening in the UK with this whole Brexit thing and it made no sense. It just made me think of Scarborough Fair, and of course I did that with Artie back in the 60s so I called him up and asked if he’d be interested in doing a new version and he said OK.”

The original song was about impossible love, with the singer challenging his lover to do all manner of impossible things in order to win his heart, such as:

‘Tell her to make me a cambric shirt – parsley, sage, rosemary & thyme

Without no seam or needlework – then she’ll be a true love of mine

Tell her to wash it in yonder dry well – parsley, sage, rosemary & thyme

Where water never sprung nor drop of rain fell – then she’ll be a true love of mine’

The new recording will deal with Brexit, posing a series of equivalent riddles:

‘Tell her to split all of Ireland in two – parsley, sage, rosemary & thyme
Without stopping Irishmen passing through – then she’ll be a true love of mine

Tell her that leave means she’s Trump’s for the pickin’ – parsley, sage, rosemary & thyme
And he wants to feed her chlorine-filled chicken – then she’ll be a true love of mine’

And more on the same theme.

“It’s kind of strange, you know?” Art Garfunkel commented. “When you think of all the impossible things he asks her to do in the original song, and when you compare them to the demands of the people who want this thing called Brexit, all of a sudden the original doesn’t seem so crazy.”

The B-side will be another re-recording, Bridge Over Troubled Water, with new lyrics to make it about the English Channel.

The single will be released this Friday.

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The Macrons to sing ABBA smash “Waterloo” to welcome Theresa May to Paris this afternoon

BREAKING : Rumours are coming through of a ferocious row breaking out between the executive diplomatic staff of Downing Street and the amateurs at the Élysée Palace, ahead of a planned visit to the Palace from a temporary British prime minister.

We asked our Paris correspondent to tell us what is behind the sudden furore.

“The latest source of contention appears to be focused on the Macrons’ intention to welcome Theresa May to Paris by singing the famous ABBA smash hit ‘Waterloo’, a link to the song is included below,” our correspondent reports.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FsVeMz1F5c

So what’s the problem? It’s a cracking tune and well loved in Blighty, being as it is a strong reference to British imperial might. It also shows a touching deference on the part of the French.

“It seems the Macrons have modified certain of the lyrics to personalise them for the woman who believes she’s still British prime minister, even though overnight reports say it is now Yvette Cooper, and that isn’t going down at all well.”

But Macron has a reputation for being suave diplomatically, how has he gotten this wrong? Clearly the French are all thumbs compared to the current British regime, but still?

“It’s not clear he has made a mistake, unless it’s to be too honest. The problem surprisingly appears to focus on Ms May’s unflinching position over how the Macrons have modified the following line:

‘And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way’,

to,

‘And YOU have met YOUR destiny in quite a similar way’,

This will not do at all. This is because it is Ms May’s destiny and she is determined that the possessive, first person pronoun be used. Because it is hers. And she wants it.”

Well that seems reasonable, the surrender after all, does belong to Ms May.

“Quite. Ms May is also adamant that the following line,

‘The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself’,

This is too personal an insult and she is insistent it is removed from the song completely or she will not listen to the performance at all. Additionally changing all instances of ‘Waterloo’ to ‘EU’ is just rubbing salt into the wound. Ms May has drawn several new red lines.”

So is there any hope of a breakthrough before Ms May arrives at the Palace this afternoon?

“Of course. Ms May will just rub out her red lines as if they never existed, as she is prone to do, and give the Macrons a standing ovation with the classic line ‘Waterloo means Waterloo and Waterloo means EU’.”