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Man to keep parting his hair hard right after successful TV outing

LCD Views can report today that a man is to keep parting his hair to the hard right after a successful outing on television.

“He’s a dedicated follower of retro fashions,” our political styles correspondent reports, “some would even go so far as to say he aims to set the trends, but with a 30’s feel. The hair, parted right, is one big step in the right direction.”

The decision to showcase the hairstyle, made famous in the first half of the 20th century, on a bubbly lifestyle programme is thought to be a stroke of genius, after a personal struggle.

“I am sure when he received the call to go on Newsnight, which used to be a serious attempt at journalism but is now mostly a late edition of ‘The One Show’, he put down that book of ‘How to name your next baby – Latin edition’ and got out the hairspray. Well, more correctly, called for nanny to get the hairspray. You’ve got to show the people what you really are, especially if you’re going to be the last thing they see before they give up in exasperation for the day and call it a night.”

But it’s believed the hair isn’t the only thing to stay after the tour de force.

“The lighting man really set him up well too,” our correspondent notes, “to have the shadow fall in a square under the nose? It’s like a show trial run. I expect he’ll be spending that little bit less on razors now that the upper lip area is going dental. The perfect way to show people what’s going on inside.”

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Boris Johnson loses his leadership credentials down the back of his sofa

Wannabe PM Boris Johnson has had his leadership ambitions severely damaged once again. Following a cosy cup of tea with Tony Blair, Boris realised that his credentials had slipped down the back of his sofa.

Suggestions that he should jump on top of it and have a jolly good rummage around were scotched by the man himself.

“Quite honestly, the only thing I should be jumping on top of is that rather fine filly holidaying with me in Italy,” he spluttered. “The going is good to firm, luckily, and after all the jumps I will have a good rummage about!”

Johnson indicated that we should “bugger orff, you nosey pleb”, and ask his gentleman’s gentleman to search his furniture if we were that way inclined.

We felt a mixture of excitement and trepidation as we were ushered into “Bonking” Boris’ throne room. We took up our position on the large, comfortable settee as the flunkey went to fetch radiation-proof gauntlets and a skip.

First plunge. At first, we thought we had come up trumps. However, all that appeared was the tattered shreds of Boris’ credibility. Straight into the skip.

Second effort. Several large, heavy and clearly unfinished bridges came to light, none of which managed to span the Thames, the English Channel or the Irish Sea. Crash, bang, wallop.

Third time lucky? A sheaf of papers. No, not his leadership credentials, but forcefully worded polemics in favour of remaining in the EU. Totally useless now, of course.

Once more, like a small child desperately trying to win the lucky dip. This time, what appeared to be a severed pig’s head. In the subsequent, delicately chosen, words of the forensic scientist, it “looked like it had been interfered with”.

We also discovered vast sums of public money. But no sign of his leadership credentials.

It looks like BoJo has finally lost his mojo.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/boris-johnson-led-tory-party-will-defeat-revolutionary-labour-at-next-election-tony-blair-warns_uk_5ca0e243e4b0474c08d02dde?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrL3VybD9zYT10JnJjdD1qJnE9JmVzcmM9cyZzb3VyY2U9d2ViJmNkPTMmdmVkPTJhaFVLRXdpRWtZT29uSzNoQWhXUVFoVUlIZVNZQUxJUTBQQURNQUo2QkFnQ0VBMCZ1cmw9aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZ3d3cuaHVmZmluZ3RvbnBvc3QuY28udWslMkZlbnRyeSUyRmJvcmlzLWpvaG5zb24tbGVkLXRvcnktcGFydHktd2lsbC1kZWZlYXQtcmV2b2x1dGlvbmFyeS1sYWJvdXItYXQtbmV4dC1lbGVjdGlvbi10b255LWJsYWlyLXdhcm5zX3VrXzVjYTBlMjQzZTRiMDQ3NGMwOGQwMmRkZSZ1c2c9QU92VmF3MHZzMUhHRkJ5RGJVRkk3aGpnVndDOA&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAFjXMGKAeywO_DG6eFVHsnFwShtEiXA9gZ4Ts44O7DKebfmLGwUBtSURvgeVEwYdcjZ7bmJDaBpg1Fl9Es0MoybDbDiHv9CHePZLuauhJhxmEs8Eqzotdra5BDx4POFUtaAh9zRasV2ys5gWZ6BfL5umoWnCPHTP0F6Q31_jrPsz

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May replaces references to “EU” with “Lalalaland” ahead of MV4

It has come to our ears that in order to secure this week’s fourth Meaningful Vote (MV), Government has come up with a cunning plan. It has decided to replace all references to the “European Union” with “Lalalaland”.

Over the weekend, Westminster strategists have been desperately trying to come up with new ways to sell the Withdrawal Agreement (WA) a fourth time to the House of Commons. Since the Speaker’s ruling, Government has added the so-called European leaders’ letters of clarification – in essence, brief cliff notes for MP’s explaining the 585 pages of the WA in laymen’s terms – for MV2. It then ditched the non-binding Political Agreement for the third vote. Now the idea is to replace all references to the EU with “Lalalaland” ahead of the prospected fourth vote.

One source told LCD Views that “this allows us for almost every no-voter to come on board”. Remoaner MP’s would not care to severe the UK’s ties with an oneiric place like Lalalaland, whereas the Little England ones would not be bothered to take rulings from it, he added. “It also has the advantage of smothering any concerns about the vilified backstop. Who cares if we have a land border with Lalalaland, or regulatory alignment with it?”

For legal purposes, somewhere hidden in the 585 pages of the WA would be a footnote explaining that Lalalaland stands for the EU. But what if MPs will find out about this? Our source: “Hahaha. You don’t actually think they actually read all 585 pages of the WA, do you? [Continues laughing hysterically. Five minutes later: ] Well, we only must prepare for two persons who might actually read it: Dominic Grieve and the Attorney-General, Geoffrey Cox.”

“We already dealt with the former by sending in a horde of paid Leave-zealots to his Constituency in Beaconsfield. He will be distracted by that for the time being, we hope. As to the Attorney-General, we plan on sending in Raab and Rees-Moog. They will distract him in his office bestowing upon him the virtues of a Brexit deal, like sovereignty from the ECJ and tax evasion possibilities once Raab becomes PM.”

If you have any ideas how the Government might sugar-coat the fifth, sixth, etc. vote on the WA? Do share your cunning suggestions on Twitter @emielnachtegael

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Boris Johnson as PM computer simulation ends abruptly as computer says no

LCD Views is pleased to announce that our newly created pseudo science section has completed its first ever computer simulation and the result is monumental.

“We decided to focus on the next prime minister,” our Head Boffin says, “then we changed our minds and picked Boris Johnson.”

The simulation, which was run on a classic Amstrad computer picked up at a car boot sale, showed some surprising results.

”A baby boom in Westminster,” Head Boffin says, “like, wall to wall blonde babies. Which we expected. But we didn’t see the construction sector experiencing boom and bust as fast as the computer did.”

So lots of jobs were created?

”Yes. Mostly in the field of administration of bankruptcies, financial as well as moral. Oh, and great expansion in funding for the fire service to cope with pants fires on a prime ministerial scale.”

So what was built? Apart from crèches? And infernos?

”There was a half constructed Johnson Tower. The Thames was renamed Johnson Streams and half spanned by a half completed Johnson Bridge. It caught fire during construction and burnt down to the waterline. The footings are now a serious shipping hazard. There was also a war with numerous Latin American countries after some accidental comments by the prime minister, while he toured Trump’s half built fence wall.”

Was any project completed?

”No. Not even Brexit, as it’s not in his interests as prime minister. Although he did manage to construction a two hundred foot tall Johnson Statue, but it came to life and is currently touring the Peak District causing mayhem.”

So, the result of a Johnson premiership is just a smoking ruin? Even without Brexit?

”Yes, but the ruin at least, is complete. You could say he finished what he started. But the end result was the computer saying no.”

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EU offers October 25th as Brexit date after government’s latest WA charge fails

British prime minister Field (of wheat) Marshall Theresa May is expected to join a conference call later this morning with Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rupert Murdoch to discuss the EU’s latest offer of October 25th as the new Brexit date.

While accepting the new date would mean participating in the EP elections, it’s felt the U.K. can get around this unpalatable democratic experience by adopting leader of the opposition Jeremy Corbyn’s overall Brexit strategy of being present, but not involved, and then claiming to have forgotten the experience altogether later. Plausible deniability is of course expected to reap a whirlwind for Labour at any future election.

”The Russians will presumably be especially tickled over the October date,” our political strategist Field (of scorn) Marshall Titan Searchlight muses, “being the anniversary of the charge of the light brigade. Trump will of course say da to whatever his payday loan master agrees to and Murdoch will love an additional six months of printing traitors and betrayal in big font size to contribute to the mature public discussion in the U.K. over Brexit.”

The date suggests the EU will establish a new theme of picking anniversaries of British disasters for any further Brexit extensions.

”Sneaking through two weeks was very clever,” an anonymous cabinet minister acknowledged, “we were too busy working out what mix of blackmail and bribery to offer MPs to back May’s last charge of the Withdrawal Agreement. Now we’ve got a fortnight of biting our necks before retreating again.”

What Field (of wheat) Marshall May will think of the extension offer is not known as no one has bothered to find out.

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Tory MPs searching for Theresa May’s off switch

The Maybot is, incredibly, still functioning. Its batteries keep producing power from somewhere, and nobody can locate the switch that will turn it off.

It can no longer be considered as a contestant on Strictly. Its voice sounds more like Stephen Hawking every time it speaks. It no longer has the energy to push for a third Meaningless Vote, the latest attempt only ranks as MV 2-and-a-half. And still the off switch remains elusive.

It is unfit for Robot Wars, or even Scrapheap Challenge. Its only virtue, it seems, is to be the last man standing.

The Maybot even offered to deactivate itself, in return for supporting MV 2-and-a-half. This failed because the deal was a humungous pile of steaming dung, which even the ERG could not stomach. Maybe the Maybot doesn’t know where the off switch is, either.

“We’ve been trying to turn it off for months now,” hardliner Dee Lornodeal told LCD Views. “Our best men are on the case.”

‘Our best men’ turn out to be Boris Johnson and Chris Grayling. “I’m completely disfurbulated, I must say,” spaffed Johnson. “I know where to find the button to turn a woman on, God damn it, but I’m buggered if I can find the Maybot’s off switch. Once more unto the breach, my friends!”

Meanwhile Grayling was throwing money at the problem. “I’ve come up with a technological solution!” he burbled. “I found a little company called drainyoucompletely.com. Their website promises to remove every last bit of juice from you. Well, that sounded just perfect, so I bunged them a few mill and let them do their worst. Strangely, my inbox is now clogged up with dirty pictures, so I can’t tell you any more. I’m off to ask Damien Green for advice.”

Typical men. They clearly didn’t read the instruction manual before setting the thing in motion. Cliff edge, here we come.

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Government to bring MV4 on May’s Deal by 6pm this evening

“I must advise the honourable, and the dishonourable, members of this house that if they ever wish to see their families again they will pass my Deal this evening,” a clearly furious Theresa May told the HoC this afternoon after her dodgy deal failed to pass third time lucky.

”This Government will now move to bring MV4 on MY DEAL by 6pm this evening and I advise you to vote for it.”

The reason for the delay was not initially clear, why not just do it again right now?

”They had to lock BERCOW in a cupboard and put a Bercow mask on Dominic Raab,” our Palace of Westminster insider texted out, “and it was thought it was going to take a few hours to locate and kidnap enough members of opposition bench families to hold as security for good behaviour.”

Another reason for a few hours pause was believed to be Ms May personally taking a chainsaw to the magic money tree and chopping the last of it to the ground.

”A bigger cash incentive will be needed to swing around the zealots in the ERG and the zealots in the DUP, but she’s their measure now. She’ll get her deal through by this evening at the fourth attempt and then she can switch back to blackmail. Much less grubby than bribery.”

Quite what will happen if May’s deal doesn’t pass at the fourth attempt is not yet clear, as always with Brexit.

”What the government really fears is a long Article 50 extension,” our insider says, “that’ll mean a terrifying outbreak of democracy. EP elections, then a GE and finally the PV. And no one wants to vote again. We already had a vote, once, years ago.”

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Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – May releases rock classic in bid to roll MPs over

One day resigning Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Theresa Maybe, has dug into the annals of rock history this week in an attempt to get others to help her finish the job she was put up to do.

“She’s recorded a cover of the AC/DC classic ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap’ and everyone in the House of Commons has found it downloaded onto their phones whether they wanted it there or not,” our Westminster headbanger informs, “it’s done in a bid to use the rumble and beat of rock to roll MPs over to her side. Oh, and a neat way to offer an ‘incentive’ to that end.”

The lyrics have been modified from the original to target wavering Labour MPs especially.

“She knows that to get her deal though the House of Commons on the third bash, after amputating it, mincing it, mashing it, washing it and hanging it out to dry, in order to get passed the rules (what are rules to a Brexiter but an unnecessary hindrance?) she’s going to need Labour MPs who should have joined UKIP to come over to her side and hang out with the Tory MPs who have turned the Tories into UKIP,

“But how to convince them? Maybe a little cash incentive? But how to pitch it? Why not with song?”

If you’re havin’ trouble with your constituents
They’re givin’ you the blues
You want to stay in office but not in in power
Here’s what you gotta do
Pick up the phone
I’m always home
Call me any time
Just ring
10 10 10 Downing Street
I hack apart the magic money tree all the time

“Some critics have suggested the reworking of the lyrics wasn’t necessary, but I think it makes the appeal more direct,” our headbanger says, “after all, whatever (most likely) false promise of cash May will offer, it’s not a patch on what the MPs’ areas will lose as a result of Brexit. So if you want them to dance to your tune, you’ve got to give them a song to sing to.”

Here at LCD Views we applaud the Prime Minister for not being bound by the staid traditions of the past like a sound and coherent argument for gaining support, while backroom deals are done in secret, but being very open. It shows the voting public just who is doing the dirty deeds, and doing them cheap. Ultimately you’re the ones paying the price, so that makes it a lot easier for some MPs to tap their foot along.

By way of light relief we’ve added a link to a shocking reworking of the AC/DC classic below, discovered by accident during the exhaustive research for this article.

Who’s song will you sing next time you vote? Well, if there’s a next time, given the aims of Brexit.

https://genius.com/Bob-rivers-dirty-deeds-done-with-sheep-lyrics

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Hapless fence for stolen sovereignty to have a third go at passing on the goods today

A hapless woman, who many see as effectively a fence for the wholesale smash and grab of British democracy, is to have another go at passing on the goods today.

Intelligence received by this newspaper suggests the alleged mover for the criminal enterprise, believed to run a pizza takeaway as a front at 55 Tufton Street, will be lurking in the backstreets and tourist attractions of Westminster today, trying again to offload the hot property.

“You don’t want to be caught holding the goods when the music stops,” our democratic detective says, “although to be fair to the masterminds behind the burglary, if they can successfully move on the merchandise, and use the resulting financial gains to buy more power, it’s unlikely they’ll ever be held to account.”

Reports that the whole gang maybe stopped at the last minute and the stolen sovereignty returned to the people, and their parliament, have encouraged many to have hope she won’t get away with it.

“I would be careful,” our analyst says, “when you put it up on the white board it looks like she has bugger all chance of getting away with fencing the UK, but some of the people in the cartel that dreamed up the crime are in very high places.”

And a lot of the police that are supposed to be on watch for just this sort of activity are compromised?

“Oh, some certainly are, without a doubt, others are just useful idiots. Which isn’t too helpful. And others still reckon they can hijack the truck with all the merch in the back at the last minute and drive it to a collectivised farm. It’s touch and go at the moment.”

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Don’t Know to form political party after topping poll as preferred prime minister

Great news for people searching for new blood in the scabby world of Westminster politics with the announcement by Don’t Know that it’s to form a political party and stand in all constituencies in the next general election.

“Ferocious bit of timing,” LCD Views’ Mr Pole Star commented, “I’m full of admiration. A few years ago Don’t Know was the least popular of all the candidates when set against either the sitting prime minister or opposition leaders. But now. Wacko! Frightening bit of calculation.”

Who will stand with Don’t Know is not yet certain.

“That makes sense, given the name,” Mr Pole Star guided, “but one thing is certain, constructive ambiguity only gets you so far. So too attempting to pass the entire economy out the back of Downing Street and into the hands of dark money interests.”

Labour have already ruled out an electoral pact with Don’t Know, even though a coalition could see them seize 10 Downing Street.

“You can’t have a Soviet command and control, centralised economic structure with a coalition of snowflakes,” Mr Star illuminated, “so that’s no surprise. Don’t Know is perfectly capable of governing alone anyway, as it really has the mood of much of the country when it looks to the future.”

Reports that Don’t Know will join the Conservatives, instead of forming its own party, and challenge May for the leadership in December have been dismissed as rabble rousing.

“Ignore the detractors, they’re just trying to confuse people so they can’t see the light in the window guiding them home. Unless Labour actually become an opposition party and fiercely oppose the government’s main policy platform of Brexit, which it is clear will hurt the most vulnerable the most, they’ll be breaking their own eggs from now on to make Don’t Knows’ omelette.”