“I stand to profit more than I thought after seeing the leaked economic report”

“I stand to profit more than I thought, after seeing the leaked economic report,” said an emerging market specialist, “In fact, I’m a little shocked, but in the right way.”

The merry comment was made to LCD Views after one of our chief editors was awoken early by the unexpected phone call.

“Who’s calling please?” he grumbled back down the line, “is the coffee on?”

“Just think of all the cash I’ve been stockpiling over the years in USD accounts just waiting for the great Brexit train crash! Panama, Panama, I want to wire money back from Panama!”

“Who is this? Jacob? Daniel? Boris? Nigel? Kate? Jeremy? Is that you? If it’s you Jacob, I’ve told you not to call unless you want to practise latin.”

But the happy caller was not dissuaded.

“Maybe I should put some more in Euros too? What do you think?” he asked.

“You’re the emerging market specialist, you tell me.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THE NHS IS GOING TO BE AFTER THE NO DEAL CRASH?”

“Please stop shouting, I’m only just waking up.”

The line went dead then.

The call wasn’t recorded. The transcript is missing. But I’ll believe our senior staffer, probably.

Especially with the latest leaked forecasts showing that most of the regions of the United Kingdom are promised various levels of doom under any Brexit scenario.

We spoke to our senior investment guru to ask what he will do in advance of the train running off the tracks?

“Don’t invest in car manufacturing in the UK.

Don’t invest in pharma.

Don’t invest in aerospace.

Don’t invest in higher education, the government doesn’t.

Just don’t invest until the crash and it’s time to bring it all back!

Take your money away like everyone else will.

Money will make money, but only if you take a leaf out of the Brexiter’s playbook and prudenter, placerat and keep it offshore until the prunus falces quondam maturavit.”

Finally, some latin at last.

Downing Street resists calls for inquiry into which idiot said “No deal is better than a bad deal”

LCD Views’ embedded reporter at Downing Street reports back from the bunker that Theresa May is resisting calls for an enquiry into who said “No deal is better than a bad deal” just so, so many times last year.

“They have more pressing priorities,” Arma Geddon said over a scratchy line, “I’m not sure how long I’ll have reception. Right now the prime minister is going so far down for cover it’s likely all reception will cut out.”

No deal is better than a bad deal. A catchphrase someone used just so, so many times prior to the June 8th 2017 general election has been shown today to be something only a catastrophic arsehat would ever had said, on the back of leaked economic forecasts showing that a no deal scenario would pretty much end all life in the United Kingdom outside of London.

“The important thing is that there will still be cake to eat in the Westminster tea rooms regardless of whatever happens in the badlands,” Arma Geddon said, over a line that was breaking up so bad we had to fill in the blanks.

Regardless of Downing Street’s understandable focus on more pressing matters, such as convincing the automotive industry not to say it’s going to up sticks and leave before Brexit Day, it’s likely calls will continue to be issued for a public inquiry.

An inquiry into what fumbling, terrified, clueless, cynical, frightened cat of a public official could ever have spent months trying to sell such an obvious con of a phrase to the voting public.

Now that the economic forecasts have come out that state it would determinedly grind the economies of most of the United Kingdom into the dust over years of desperation, rage and fear…and ironically, mass emigration away from Britain.

“I’m sure they’ll get to the bottom of underqualifed fool said it,” Arma Geddon said, just before contact was lost, “although probably not in the emergency toilet that the prime minister is currently seeking the sanctuary of, just above the earth’s mantle.”

We hope they’ve taken enough paper down. It could be a long night.

Home Office to deport Cheddar Man because he’s ruining the story of Britain

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

Brexit impact assessment competition time again! Another book up for grabs!

It’s Brexit impact assessment competition time again!

To celebrate the fastest growth in the shortest time ever for a vigorous start up page (honestly no one has ever made it to this point so fast before, not Obama, not Hilary, not Anna Soubry) we’ve asked Donald for a quote,

“Quack!”

And to express our gratitude we’re giving away the latest in a series of leaked Brexit assessments spirited out to us from the mole we have in the civil service (we don’t have a mole in the civil service and neither do the Brexiters, to judge by the balls-up they made of their civil service plot).

Just answer the following question truthfully and to the best of your judgement,

Q. What will Boris Johnson say next?

A. ?

He’s been awfully quiet lately…it can’t go on. Is he up to something? Or under house arrest? Too many questions. This isn’t a school exam.

What will Boris Johnson say next?

Answers in comments please! Only entries on Facebook page are valid, not the LCD Views webpage.

Most popular answer wins the book!

Not the pizza, that was eaten days ago.

Book competition means book competition.

Good luck!

– Competition runs for 48 hours. Boris will talk any moment, we don’t have long this time!
– Winner is the most reacted to answer (the will of the people, that’s how we do things in Global Britain!).
– Enter as many times as you like, but we reserve the right to delete any entries that may have Facebook go mad at us, or are just judged too unsavoury to touch.
– No purchase necessary.
– Book will be mailed first class day following the end of the competition (winner will need to supply a postal address via a private message to the page)
– Share with your friends as you’ll get more reactions to your comment!
– Our decision of who wins is final and no debate will be entered into, just like Brexit! Ha!

 

Brexit Industry’s new smart phone unable to send lower case text messages

News of technological trouble today with the story that Brexit Industry’s new smart phone is coming under fire from early adopters for being unable to send lower case text messages.

”It also adds random exclaimation marks to all text messages and random commas,” LCD Views’ tech correspondent reports, “and most surprisingly it often misspells Inglish!!,!!,!”

Brexit Industry was established in the early 2000’s, when historical amnesia began to become very prominent, and has so far gone from strength to strength. Although recently the company has issued profit warnings.

We texted an unsatisfied customer to find out more.

“ITS A REEL PROBLEM 4 ME,!!!,!!,” Little Tommy texted LCD to complain, “I DUNT ALWAYS WONT TOO TALK TOO OTHER KIPPERS SUMTIMEZ I WANT TOO TEXT MUMM A BOUT NOT MIXIN UP THE COLORS WEN ?!, SHE DOES MY WOSHIN.”

While the release of the Brexit phone has been highly anticipated, it seems it isn’t all it’s stacked up to be by its manufacturers.

“Well, it costs you a lot more to make calls at least,” our tech correspondent commented, “You’ll have to pay through the nose in the EU27 to use it. The battery life is poor and prone to overheating,

“The brightness function is more of a dimness, so that’s fitting. But the permanent caps lock is going to be an issue if you’re going for a job. As unlikely as that will be.”

It seems caps lock in a message is taken as the equivalent of shouting, which isn’t the best way to give emphasis to a well constructed argument relating to the future trading and cultural relationship between the United Kingdom and the European Union.

“Although, if you’re spouting racist gibberish it is quite fitting, so I suspect there is still a niche market for Brexit Industry’s smart phone.”

Won’t the early reviews affect its sales over the longer term?

“Potentially. Although I suspect if they just market the device honestly it will go better.”

And how would you advise them to do that?

“Well, test it first. Extensively. Work out the kinks. And call it a dumb phone. No one but the most credulous or intentionally lazy is going to believe for a moment this is a smart phone.”

Theresa May satnav mode disabled after only advising drivers to take hard right turns

Automotive safety bodies have demanded a Theresa May satnav mode be disabled after it was revealed it only ever advises drivers to turn to the hard right at any intersection.

“It makes it impossible to get anywhere,” Mr Mapp said, talking to LCD Views from a gridlocked street in Westminster, “you just end up going around in endless circles, even if they’re square circles.

The only time it tried anything different I ended up bogged in Westminster Green next to two red faced men holding a pro Brexit rally.”

It’s believed the design flaw is the result of a virus that infected the code behind the voice programme when Ms May’s voice patterns were recorded.

“It’s a bit of a mystery how a defining characteristic in her choices since becoming prime minister could have turned into a virus that’s infecting an entire system?” Mr Mapp wondered.

While a solution for the fault is sought drivers who have downloaded the Theresa May voice are advised to not use it. That it’s probably better to throw out the entire unit and get a fresh one.

“Hopefully they’ll get a fix. It’s been a troubled exercise from the start. The first edition drove people to distraction.”

This occurred because it issued instructions in three word soundbites that were grating at first, and quickly very distracting to drivers.

“Red means red isn’t much help,” Mr Mapp said, “Also, stop means stop, go means go and so on. Not once would she actually give a direction anyone could realistically follow.

The only driver who was so conditioned to being directed by machines they did exactly as instructed ended up in a dark pond, in their work car, while driving someone they were having an illicit encounter with home.

So they lost their job and their relationship once it all come out via the recovery and insurance process. I understand they’re now alone desperately ringing distant relatives for help.”

The further risk is apparently the sound of the actual voice itself.

“If you listen to it enough you can’t get it out of your head. And you end up hearing her instructing you when you’re on the toilet, brushing your teeth, making love, doing the grocery shopping, anything, anytime. It’ll send you mad.”

Just don’t do it. There’s always another option for how to get from A to B.

Fears for world peace after iPhone update includes predictive ‘Bojo chat’ for texting foreign friends

Fresh fears for world peace today after megacorp Apple included a predictive ‘Bojo chat’ in the latest iPhone update for use when texting foreign friends.

“In theory the new predictive Boris text should make it easier to complete sentences to friends who speak more than one language, i.e., not British friends,” LCD Views’ technology whizz, Dr Whizz, commented.

But it seems early results of the global live beta test have returned some alarming results?

“Indeed. Already over a million British people have lost friends from other countries. It’s really alarming.

Apple are facing calls from many organisations, including the UN no less, to release a fresh update that cancels out the Boris Johnson function before more harm is done. This could potentially trigger a localised war if high ranking government officials accidentally use it.”

But what’s going wrong?

“The amount of unintended insults that are being written in foreign languages is the chief gripe,” Dr Whizz said, “and the intended ones too, they’re also causing a lot of harm.”

It seems the situation is worsened by the inability to turn the function, already nicknamed ‘Bojo chat’ (by text savvy types), off.

“Yes. And some users have reported that it actually sends messages to people at random from your contact list. This is most likely if you’ve already had an exchange with someone that didn’t go as well as you liked.

Bojo chat will wait until the phone has been untouched for a certain period of time, normally five minutes as this is judged long enough to decide a user is asleep in 2018, and then send follow up texts to depeen whatever misunderstanding or insult has occurred.”

Apparently it’s even caused an engaged couple to call off their wedding?

“More than one. It seems particularly interested in causing breakdown in harmony between English and French or English and German people.

One distressed man from London said he woke up to find Bojo app had destroyed his engagement to a French woman, who was visiting family in Paris, while he was in the shower.

The phone had followed up a minor misunderstanding about the flower arrangements for their wedding with a message that read,

‘Pifflepoffle cheese eating banana straightening surrender monkey I wouldn’t be caught dead in your bed unless you were already married to someone else you catastrophic mung bean piling wintertazzle!’, but in French.”

How have Apple responded to the complaints and what do they intend to do to correct it?

“They’ve claimed it is a great success. It proves how advanced their AI modelling of Boris Johnson is. And much like Facepamphlet making an algorithm change that drives everyone nuts, we need them more than they need us, so we can just suck it up.”

Based on all this we would suggest just phoning a friend from now on instead.

Car ferry owners furious as Grayling bridges Solent, at widest point

LCD has received word from the Ministry for Transport that Chris Grayling MP is about to leak an underwraps memo relating to the Isle of Wight and drastic changes to who owns it and how you get to it.

Our Westminster insider (no names no pack drill) reveals the likelihood of the re-nationalisation of the East Coast line is to be used to divert mainstream media interest away from one of the most exciting infrastructure developments in modern times.

“Grayling has succeeded in obtaining a commitment from Richard Branson (the railway billionaire who also likes buying up pieces of the NHS) to go for broke with the compulsory purchase the Isle of Wight, on the back of a promise from the Department of Transport to build a bridge to it, at its widest point.”

Why…I hear you ask? Is it because he just loves the island life? He just can’t wait to get there?

“It’s to do with Brexit,” the insider continues, “following the PM’s announcement that the UK is leaving the EU customs union, the Isle of Wight has been set aside as the new customs import and export entry point.

Why have lorry queues snaking all the way from Dover to London when you can carpark the Isle of Wight?”

Grayling will lay it out later in speech:

“This will make a perfect area to place the new UK customs screening facility.

Once we have cleared the existing housing there will be plenty of land for lorry parking while truck drivers await their chance to drive across the single lane bridge to dry land.

The narrowness of the bridge also means anyone attempting to sneak across the Solent will have to swim the Solent.

With four tides a day they are guaranteed to turn back, to the delight of Torykippers (who are the only voters we care about now), before they reach the mainland.

It’s a win, win! I’m personally very excited to have something else to make a success of. I believe this new infrastructure project can be completed in time to crash out of the customs union.”

Labour have yet to realise the implications of the memo, and the major transport change to the UK infrastructure.

Emily Thornberry has requested a map to see were exactly the Isle of Wight is relative to the UK mainland and promised to wake up Jeremy to comment.

LCD Views asked Richard Branson for a comment.

“Go away!… I’m still trying to find a builder to repair my caribbean island! And I’m not best pleased by all the laughing from the UK! I’m just a face. This isn’t my plan.”

As part of this sensible and sober plan to make a success of Brexit, the Isle of Wight we be renamed by the department of transport, to better represent its vital function as a place for goods and lorries to line up.

“We’re going to call it the Aisles of Wight from now on,” Grayling will say, “But we’ll have a competition to name the bridge.”

Freemasons denounced as terrorists since the square and compasses are weapons of maths instruction

The recent revelation that there are at least two Freemasons’ lodges operating within the Westminster bubble has placed doubts upon their motives. More than one cynical journalist has accused them of actually teaching mathematics.

This is dangerously subversive. It is well known that most journalists are barely numerate. Also, MPs are well known for exaggerating their expenses claims. “Stick a couple of zeroes on the end to be on the safe side” is the rule of thumb here.

Suspected Freemasons have been observed sneaking about, furtively, with sheaves of graph paper. They are believed to be plotting something.

If successful, the mathematical knowledge unleashed will cause an uproar in Parliament. Myths, lies, and slogans will all be exploded as soon as enough Members are able to correctly read and interpret statistics. The writing will be on the wall, and it will read “Lies, damned lies, and Brexit”.

The prime suspects will play the percentages. Realising that you cannot square the circle without bringing pi into play, pie-eyed politicos will be obliged to ban pastry dishes with tasty fillings.

In addition, another factor is money. Many don’t see the point of decimal currency. Some wags have called for a return to LSD, but others accuse them of having flashbacks to the drug-addled 1960s. The Church of Brexit worships the great god Sterling, although only the favoured few will be allowed access to it. Clearly, love of money is the square root of all evil.

LCD’s Numeracy Matters correspondent spoke to a Westminster Freemason, who gave his name as “Ray Dius” to protect his anonymity. “It’s dreadful!” he murmured. “I haven’t done any sums for over 40 years. It’s like being back at school!”

He went on to whinge about being taught trigonometry, algebra and statistics. “I’m even starting to make maths jokes!” he wailed. “I mean… no, it’s divide and ruler… and I used to love the chicken pie-thagoras! Arggghhhh!!”

The terrorists intend to make Brexit blow up in their faces. And they will be able to calculate the trajectory of every particle.

Every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit

Great news for lovers of patriotic songs today with the announcement from the Ministry for Potatoes that their crop of Tory MP’s will be introducing a new bill in parliament that will make it obligatory for every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit.

“We actually wanted to make the law retrospective,” said Tumble-Trot Bum-aster, MP for Trot-Bum-on-Creem, “but we were sabotaged by some remaoner civil servants who were determined we do not break the laws of time and travel backwards any further than we already are.

And to be fair, given the result of the last vote ever needed by the United Kingdom, it seems legs are pretty easy to pull already, we just have to theme tune them.”

Also, an upside of the advice is that all true born British children will have the opportunity to learn the lyrics of the famous music hall classic in time for 10pm 29th March 2019.

“Some children have been caught singing ‘God save the EU’, which will of course be a hanging offence from 22:01, 29th March 2019.”

Further preparations will be undertaken to help right thinking British folk choose which leg is their preferred leg to be pulled.

“If you don’t use your good leg you might make a hash of the song,” Tumble-Trot says soberly,

“I use my gentleman’s personal gentleman’s leg for all songs, as a rule, so even I have to work out which leg I’m going to have pulled to play ‘God Save The Queen’.

As an MP I tend to pull my middle leg in the office.”

At this point the MP appeared to notice he was already pulling his leg and not singing.

“Excuse me. I appear to need to sing, to lead the charge, you don’t know the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ do you?”

We don’t. Oh my God.

“Australian sons let us rejoice for we” No! Stop.

“Oh say, can you see the dawn’s early light” No!

”The people’s flag is deepest red”

No! Only if Labour get into power and are determined to turn Brexit into Lexit!

The lyrics will have to be learned by the time the neocon project of Brexit reaches tumescent fulfilment in 2029.

Anyone have ‘Alexa’ handy? She’ll know. We are on the wrong path but at least we’ve seen the light.

God save our gracious Queen (from the Brexiters once they get Henry VIII powers) and the rest of us…

Pull the other one, it plays Brexit bells.