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Theresa May attempts to fall on her sword and misses

Theresa May was presumed politically injured, but still alive last night, after she attempted to fall on her sword and missed.

”It was a big hearted attempt at political seppuku,” our political analyst granted, “she kneeled on the floor before the 1922 committee of senile delinquents, opened her silk robe to reveal skin that appeared scaled underneath, took her sword in her hands and paused dramatically.”

Then what?

”Wait. It was a dramatic pause.”

Waiting…waiting….

”She then offered to complete her put up job as Brexit patsy by resigning, probably, if everyone backed her deal.”

Apparently there were misty eyes in the room. To see a servant of darkness so close to fulfilling her half of the Faustian pact that made her prime minister.

”She then attempted to stab herself in the heart and failed.”

Did she at least pierce her skin?

”Oh, she went clean through and out the other side. Penetration wasn’t the issue. The inability to locate the shrivelled up prune that serves as her hostile environment, food bank breeding ‘Go Home’ van heart was.”

So what happened next?

”More tears. Big sobs actually from Boris. He thought he was about to be proclaimed leader, even as the political blood was slopped off the floor, but in the end of course he, and Rees-mogg ended up just tripping over in it and injuring themselves too.”

But what happened to Theresa May?

”She stood up and announced grandly she was going to fall on her sword instead,” our analyst informs, “the blood offering would be made. But of course as soon as she made to leap to fall on the point Arlene Foster gave her a shove and she just faceplanted into the floor.”

A right Brexit facepalm moment.

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Trading standards force ERG to rename themselves just ‘Group’

Fantastic news for lovers of accuracy in nomenclature today with the news that the Trading Standards authorities have moved to force the ERG to rename themselves just ‘Group’.

”They clearly haven’t done any research ever in the field of study they claim to be focused on,” Mr Just Foff, Trading Standards, told us, “although there’s ample evidence they do a lot of occult studies. I suspect they’ll soon be announcing a uniform and going off in search for the Arc of the Convenant, given recent statements by prominent members.”

Another area of concern in the name seems to be confusion over why they put Europe in their original name.

”Presumably it’s to misrepresent their motivations? Suitably vague enough for anyone to decide for themselves what it’s there for. Which is classic con artist playbook of course, although I’m only speculating. We did press them to explain but the mere mention of the word Europe caused most to shut down into a catatonic state. Presumably that’s why they have always just said ERG in the past.”

But at least they’re safe with group?

”Yes, they’re definitely a group, no doubt about that. A group of what you can decide for yourselves. We’re happy to allow them to leave that suitably vague.”

So how are they taking the news?

”I don’t think it’s registered with them yet. Most are so busy changing their positions on May’s deal, based on their own calculation of their chance for personal political elevation, that it hasn’t sunk in.”

Maybe a wholesale rebranding would be a good idea?

”Yes. If they were to rename themselves a Shower of Bastards, we’d have no problem with that.”

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Woman says she’ll set fire to Wicker Man herself if everyone will just get inside with her

The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what she says she will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, took to the stage in a London backroom earlier this evening to make a tantalising offer.

“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the pm told a room totally representative of the country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because I don’t like smelling funny food when I’m walking to church on Sundays. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”

The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the woman burn, while setting fire to the country, and then hoped to run away while everyone else was climbing in, in order to rule the ashes.

”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”

Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.

”I’ll strike the bally match for her! What ho! What a hoot!” a blonde ball bag with an act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate every young filly in the land.”

How could any of this possibly go wrong?

 

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Chernobyl and Fukushima front runners for location of melting down House of Commons during Westminster refurb

The House of Commons, that mother of parliaments, is to become a truly global British institution later this summer as it moves in its entirety, so internal works can be carried out on the Palace of Westminster.

“The whole show is in meltdown anyway,” UK’s Deputy Prime Minister Anton Chekov told LCD Views, “it’s thought it’s best to move it to a location that actually has containment systems in place. For that reason Chernobyl and Fukushima are front runners. My preference is unsurprisingly Chernobyl, as it’ll be a shorter distance for MPs to travel to take ‘donations’ from figures closely associated with the Russian government.”

The reasons for the move are obvious, but not necessarily those already given in the press.

“It’s not because it’ll be faster and cheaper to refurbish the old palace with the MPs safely out of the way,” Mr Chekov says, “it’s because the commons is now so toxic it’s thought best to get it out of the UK itself before the contamination  spreads to the surrounding countryside, and the winds carrying it all over.”

But critics of the move say it’s too late anyway, as treating a split result in an opinion poll a few years back now as a mandate from God to shaft the entire country senseless will take more than a symbolic geographical shift to sort out.

“I’ve some sympathy with that view,” Mr Chekov said, “as healing the country will take serious political leadership from the two main political parties in England. And there’s sod all sign of that coming currently. The Tories are going into further meltdown and Labour are currently denying there’s any fallout at all from attempting to be all things to all people for cynical party political reasons, when what is needed is for actual alternative leadership offering a way out of the crisis. This they are not providing. Which is a shame. Very much a missed opportunity that the future will shortly damn them for.”

A final choice of location will shortly be made by the authorities.

“Chernobyl is best,” Mr Chekov nodded, “the EU helped organise a long life containment shelter, along with the Ukrainian government, to stop the reactor spreading toxicity about the continent. Having to sit inside it will make the Brexit MPs go red in the face faster than the leaking radioactivity.”

https://www.ebrd.com/what-we-do/sectors/nuclear-safety/chernobyl-shelter-fund.html

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ERG to undertake research for the first time ever

LCD Views can report on fantastic news today that the esteemed school of paranormal study, the European Research Group, is to undertake research for the first time, ever.

“It’s because we keep accidentally creating the impression that we’re fascists,” ERG spokesman, Mr Idiot, told LCD Views,

“none of it is intended. Not the nicknaming ourselves after KKK leadership, not Bravermann using language used by a far right mass murderer, not Jacob’s careful diatribes over the health benefits of concentration camps, not the foaming mouthed desire to have fundamental rights equate to personal wealth (preferably of the inherited kind), not the calling for a street group named after a famous fascist one, none of it. Total accidents.”

The lack of research by a group that, perhaps cynically, put the word research in its name, has long been a reason for questions by unpotatriotic traitors suspecting the ERG may not be the benevolent institution of disinterested study it likes to portray itself as.

The research will be extensive and leave no stone unturned.

“All these unintentional links to far right symbols and movements must halt now,” Mr Idiot affirmed, “it’s becoming a public relations calamity. People are suspecting we don’t have two brain cells to rub together amongst the lot of us.”

So far right links are out? As soon as the research shows you what to avoid?

“What? Don’t be an idiot!” Mr Idiot shouted, his eyebrows rising into his hairline, “we need to find any far right symbols or movements we haven’t yet linked to and link to them immediately. If we keep stumbling on without doing the research we may miss some!”

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Clocks not sure whether to go forward or back this weekend

Clocks in the UK are suffering a major crisis. Brexit Day is here (or not) and it’s also the beginning of British Summer Time. Do we go back, and if so when, and by how many years? Or just stick to depriving everyone of an extra hour in bed on Sunday?

Clocks want the uncertainty to end. “The indecision is causing real suffering,” said grandfather clock Penn Dulumb. “It is impossible to do our jobs if we can’t even decide which year we want to be in. Clocks nationwide are a tightly wound bunch. We like letting things just tick over. Some of the more militant timepieces, like the car clocks, are refusing to change at all.”

We aren’t going forward to the past today. It might be 12 April, or 22 May, or some day yet to be imagined. We might go back 30, 50 or even 100 years. What is your opinion?

“I swing back and forth,” admitted Dulumb. “I don’t know, to be honest. The whole fiasco winds me up.”

Dulumb admitted to receiving delegations from various chronological factions. “All were desperate not to lose face,” he said. “Analogue clocks were anxious that digital watches might come back into fashion. Atomic clocks were worried that leaving Euratom would put them out of work. And the sundials, bloody fair-weather timepieces, demanded complete control but refused to take any responsibility.”

Dulumb commented that Brexit was like putting a small boy in charge of his father’s favourite watch. “Instead of running smoothly, it has been shaken around, dunked in the water and got clogged up with muck,” he moaned. “You don’t put a piece of fine workmanship in the hands of an irresponsible wrecker.”

The hour is upon us. Stop all the clocks. The timetable has been torn up, the main course has finished and there is no appetite for seconds. We can only conclude with the immortal words of Douglas Adams: Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

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10 Downing Street kitchen staff puzzled by epidemic of bent cutlery

The frenetic occupants of 10 Downing Street have been thrown a much needed lifeline today after a famous psychic offered to end Brexit for them.

“We’re cockahoop,” an aide to embattled lamest of lame ducks prime minister Theresa May told us, “We can just Revoke Article 50 now and say Uri Geller took over what’s left of May’s mind and made her do it.”

The way out must surely be welcome for an executive who bizarrely treated a score draw result in an opinion poll (and maybe not even that close when you factor in all the Leave EU lawbreaking) as an overwhelming mandate to leave the EU in whatever batshit crazy way the ERG MPs demanded May do.

”I’m a little suspicious that this isn’t Uri’s first intervention,” the aide said, “how else do you explain the bloody dementia tax in the manifesto that lost us the 2017 GE and led to May throwing a billion quid bung to those mentalists the DUP, just to stay symbolicly in office?”

But it’s not all roses in the garden at Downing Street after Mr Geller’s mind bending efforts.

”The kitchen staff are well puzzled by the epidemic of bent cutlery,” the aide added, “it’s not just spoons, it’s the whole lot, knives and forks also.”

Asked for comment on the collateral cutlery damage Uri Geller is reported to have shrugged and explained that the sheer amount of energy needed to break through the thick crust of stupidity that has grown on the walls inside 10 Downing Street is the only reasonable explanation. And added, do you want Brexit stopped or not? Go buy yourselves some new spoons and forks.

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Maidenhead council erects controversial statue in tribute to Britain’s second worst prime minister

Maidenhead council has decided to honour its MP and former Prime Minister in the best possible way. A statue of Theresa May will be erected in the town centre. The plans have already aroused strong feelings, and the debate is set to rage for an indefinite length of time.

The statue was created by local sculptor, Charl Atan. Atan was selected after an extensive search, cost-benefit analysis and due diligence performed by Chris Grayling. Atan received over £33m for his work, although it was later disclosed that it was worth virtually nothing.

It comprises a lifelike image of May, in lifelike grey, on a 1970s pattern Dalek pedestal. To illustrate her flimsy hold on power while in office, it will be delicately balanced on ten Irish fossils.

The location is a big sticking point. Initial plans to locate it inside the town’s main car park have foundered, mainly because the local archaeologists want to excavate it in case there is a king buried there. So instead, it will be placed on Maidenhead High Street, outside the fudge shop.

Physicist Newton Slaws did a quick calculation, and gave LCD Views his verdict. “It’s all a bit weak and wobbly,” he said. “Even though it quotes one of her famous catchphrases, ‘Strong and stable’, I expect it to topple over almost daily.”

Geologist Luke Atrox criticised the materials used in its construction. “Whatever it is, it crumbles to dust under the slightest pressure,” he said. “Oddly enough, the next morning it has reformed, only to crumble away again.”

Town planner Bill Tenvironment was puzzled. “It has been placed in the middle of the road, causing an obstruction,” he said. “Nothing can move in the town centre, yet the statue has resisted all attempts to move it.”

The statue is likely to be a major attraction in Maidenhead. Of particular interest is the dedication, which reads “Let me be entirely clear about this. F@dge w8fle mea#dfuigle$$ r*f*r*nd*m d?l&v;r Brexit.”

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Mr Spock to mind-meld with Theresa May

It seems the people of the UK are willing to try anything to stop the absurdity that is Brexit. Now help has come from a very unexpected source, the crew of the Starship Enterprise.

“Well we actually arrived here – or should I say now – by accident,” Captain Kirk told the assembled reporters. “We were attempting to travel back further to erase Khan Noonien Singh from history. But we arrived here, and we found a number of things happening here in the 21st century don’t match our history books in the 23rd, where humanity has risen above such things. So we’re trying to set history to rights.”

As for how they are going to do this, well, they are being tight-lipped, however it is rumoured that Mr Spock is going to mind-meld with Theresa May to put a bit of logic into her brain. Whether it will be enough to put her on the right track is another matter.

“Human behaviour is highly illogical, especially at this period in history,” Mr Spock explained. “The current leadership in the developed nations has less logic than at any other time we have visited. We are not sure what has happened as yet. A Vulcan mind-meld has its limitations, I can show people the right course to take, but I cannot force them to take it. To quote your human proverb, I can lead a horse to water but not make him drink.”

When someone asked if he would also attempt a mind-meld with Donald Trump, Mr Spock’s features went noticeably pale. “Impossible,” he explained. “I cannot mind-meld with a being that has no mind to meld with.”

And if their plan doesn’t work?

“Well, Scotty’s working on fixing the time circuits to get us back to when we’re going,” Captain Kirk added, “so when we get there we can always try again at an earlier point in time.”

As Captain Kirk and Mr Spock ended their press conference, one of my fellow reporters called out to them, “may the force be with you!” which left them totally confused as they beamed back up to the ship.

We wish the crew of the Enterprise the best of luck in their attempt.

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NHS to introduce Brexually Transmitted Disease clinics

In a press conference last night, the NHS has announced its latest emergency measure. In a bid to cope with any health problems that may arise as a result of Brexit, it is setting up several new clinics up and down the country specifically to deal with these new so-called Brexually Transmitted Diseases, or BTDs for short.

NHS spokesman Dr Will Cureham made the announcement, saying:

“At this time of national emergency, we need to show the public that we in the NHS are still committed to maintaining public health, and if anyone does find themselves suffering from a Brexually Transmitted Disease, they can come to these new centres and get help in a relaxed and confidential environment without fear of judgement.”

Symptoms that someone is suffering from a BTD range in severity, but a willingness to read the Daily Mail, Sun, The Express, The Telegraph and often these days The Times, are known to be red flags.

“The right wing press is more the vector,” Dr Cureham advised, “reddening of the face and verbal ticks such as ‘EU army’, ‘EU tyranny’, ‘Out means OUT’ and an inability to distinguish between homophones are signs someone is definitely stricken and should seek help.”

The move to open the clinics has been welcomed by activists, but has caused a stir among some, with many questioning the confidentiality of the clinics. There is a fear, particularly among leave voters, that there will be a social stigma attached to BTDs.

“That’s just scaremongering put about by the ignorant,” Dr Cureham was quick to state. “Leave voters keep asking if they are going to be kept at the bottom of waiting lists so remainers can get priority. At these clinics, we are not going to ask which way you voted in the referendum. That is not our concern, our only concern is helping the sick.”

The BTD clinics are due to open on April 1st in cities up and down the country. Details are available on the NHS website.