LCD Views

Movie mogul and sometime Prime Minister Theresa May has accepted, reluctantly, that Meaningful Vote 3 will not secure a box office release. After two turkeys, there is no appetite for the third episode of the franchise.

The big problem is that the storyline and the characters remain unchanged. Meaningful Vote: Los Angeles or even The Meaningful Vote Zombie Apocalypse would have more appeal. May refused to accept the outcome, with her usual lack of grace.

“All the backers, who promised to support Meaningful Vote 3, have pulled out,” she grumbled. “This sort of release hasn’t received the public acclaim it deserves, and the money launderers and dark financiers are reneging on their promises. I need those roubles to get over the line, and I refuse to accept a DVD-only release.”

Movie critic Hollie Wood gave an independent opinion. “Meaningful Vote 3 is basically the same as MV1 and MV2,” she said. “The heroine is trying to break free from what she sees as a toxic relationship. She demands a divorce, but has so many terms and conditions that her soon-to-be ex-partner despairs. She wants more than her fair share, and refuses to budge. Through the course of the movie, she is forced to compromise, and strikes a deal, which is accepted. But her family insists that the deal is unacceptable and votes her down. Everything is postponed, they all live unhappily ever after, roll credits.”

Which of the three are you describing?

“All three, that’s the problem,” replied Wood. “The original movie, The Meaningful Vote!, followed this pattern exactly. The Return of the Meaningful Vote sprinkled a little magic dust over the sub-plot involving the Irish family members, but it wasn’t much better. The Meaningful Vote Rides Again edits a bit of the stilted dialogue, but it’s essentially the same. I think that May has lost the plot, frankly.”

The Meaningful Vote Rides Again will be available some time this week. Or next week. Or never. Don’t hold your breath.

An aeroplane flying from London to Düsseldorf went missing, before turning up unexpectedly in Edinburgh. The involvement of so-called Transport Secretary Chris Grayling was suspected immediately.

“It’s about time I got a bit more hands-on with this transport malarkey,” a relieved Grayling told LCD Views’ Flights Of Fancy correspondent. “After all, how hard can it be? I got my mate Dominic Raab to help out, just in case. It was like two slapheads arguing over a comb, just like our normal Cabinet meetings!”

That’s an incredible reference to the Falklands conflict.

“What does Falklands even mean?” asked Grayling, with his characteristic vacant expression. “Don’t try to cloud the discussion with facts!”

So let us know what actually happened, then.

“Oh, it was like, it’s my turn with the map, and you have the compass,” replied Grayling. “It’s all about taking back control. We couldn’t manage to work it out, so we just pointed at a random place on the map and told them to fly there. I must say, it was an outstanding success. Nobody died! Although I did try to kick Dom up the arse, but I just ended up injuring his elbow.”

While they were squabbling, the pilot, Gaynor Thousandfeet, put the destination to a People’s Vote. 52% voted unanimously to continue to Düsseldorf, while the 48% who said, fuck it let’s hit the Royal Mile and get pissed on single malt whisky, were, naturally enough, ignored completely.

Investigations revealed that the map used was a special Brexit Edition. This shows Great Britain (with an emphasis on the south-eastern regions), surrounded by sea containing the legend “Here be monsters” in Gothic lettering.

The latest reports indicate that Thousandfeet successfully guided the aeroplane to Düsseldorf. Some of the passengers were still moaning about having to put up with German lager instead of a good Scotch.

LCD Views has great news this afternoon for people who are sick to death of the Groundhog Day at Westminster and wondering if it will ever end?

“It won’t,” our Hammer House of Horrors specialist advises, “although I could be wrong. But not today and probably not tomorrow or The Day After Tomorrow. It’s how we govern now. One party’s internal Psycho drama has replaced actual government. This is opposed by a Silent Spring absence on the other side of the house where the LOTR’s Gandalf should be.”

The reason for the merry go around move is because nothing changes at Westminster day in and day out, while outside of it everything is going to shit. They just sit there on the benches going around and around the same centre of gravity and the centre of gravity is a word salad.

“It’s probably a mistake to have a Cheers style state subsidised bar at Westminster,” our specialist muses, “because if you have a job with a gold plated pension and you can just drink as much as you like, well, what’s the motivation to not need a drink at the end of the day?

“Why get anything done? Nothing outside the bubble really matters. This is because of the fixed term parliament act, which was quite a stitch up. It’s initial design was to give David Cameron’s Tories long enough to destroy the Libdems through Nick Clegg’s naivety. But it’s basically become endless rule now. At least that’s how it seems. Especially if the other major party is committed to the same ideolgical horror show. Also, why not lie though your teeth? You’ve got the job for five years and then you cycle back into private industry with a heaving address book of government contacts to advertise.”

Good God.

“Tell me about it. But at least the power for the merry go round will be green.”

How so?

“It’s going to be powered by the screams of the entire UK and currently, they also are endless.”

Can you still hear them Clarice? Adam, Ben, Charlotte, Sheryl, Candice, Peter…actually I’m not going to individually name everyone in the UK.

Fantastic news for anyone concerned that the United Kingdom was about to have an outbreak of pragmatism and a less fantastical democracy today.

“We all know that Disney has just bought Rupert Murdoch’s Fox empire for $51 billion,” our Mickey Mouse Guv correspondent says, “probably because the kids were all too thick to be trusted with it? I don’t know. Anyway, he’s cashed out. He wants to spend more time moaning to Jerry about his corns,

“Well we would know, if the Mickey Mouse outfit in 10 Downing Street didn’t dominate the news day in and day out. At any case, Murdoch threw in HMG for a quid. Just to get rid of it, so he could spend more time complaining to Jerry about the quality of the soup.”

It’s not certain yet what changes, if any, the voters of the United Kingdom will notice with the change in ownership, as Disney are apparently happy with the workings of the franchise as it stands.

“You’ve the wicked witch in power already,” a Disney spokesman noted, “the sorcerer’s apprentice running about setting fire to everything that moves or is related to transport, Goofy running the health service, Pluto overseeing defence, Scrooge McDuck is the chancellor, Captain Hook is LOTO and the Mad Hatter in a blonde wig, so…you get the picture streaming live constantly through your flat screen or mobile device,

“There’s not a lot we can do to improve on the situation except turn the Palace of Westminster into a theme park? But many are saying it’s that already. We could perhaps have Aslan appear on College Green and savage some pineapple vest rent a fascists? But we’re not yet sure if we want to write a happy ending to the saga of Brexit.”

A man with a nanny who uses google translate to talk in Latin has made a solemn promise to the women of the U.K. as part of his pitch to become the United Kingdom’s next, and most unifying, prime minister.

“For too long now the precious women of our United Kingdom have been forced out of their traditional role in the home by the self serving forces of degeneratism,” the man said, “this has pushed down wages for men, resulted in a birth rate so low we have to import for…fore…non-whi…foreign…excuse me why I look up the word in Latin,

”Externi. There, I said it. Leaves a taste. At any rate, I have travelled here from the 19th Centurt today to promise that when I replace the woman who is currently our prime minister women will be freed to not go out to work anymore.”

Thid statement led to immediate, an incorrect speculation, that the man was planning to reform the tax system to make everyone millionaires.

”Oh, what a jolly jape. Of course the tax system will be inverted to make move the non-income paying tax threshold to the other end of the pyramid of wealth, the pointed bit, but I will not be freeing women in that way. God would furrow his brow if traditional family values were not the mechanism.”

Are you going to implement an economic and political policy as clearly disasterous as Brexit and cause runaway inflation?

”Only in my Russian bank account!”

Well what then?

”It’s quite simple to do. Family planning, from contraception to terminations for any reason will be abolished. All women will be legally required to become pregnant. A woman’s real place of work, is of course, in the home.”

Omne semen sanctum.