Brexit Industry’s new smart phone unable to send lower case text messages

News of technological trouble today with the story that Brexit Industry’s new smart phone is coming under fire from early adopters for being unable to send lower case text messages.

”It also adds random exclaimation marks to all text messages and random commas,” LCD Views’ tech correspondent reports, “and most surprisingly it often misspells Inglish!!,!!,!”

Brexit Industry was established in the early 2000’s, when historical amnesia began to become very prominent, and has so far gone from strength to strength. Although recently the company has issued profit warnings.

We texted an unsatisfied customer to find out more.

“ITS A REEL PROBLEM 4 ME,!!!,!!,” Little Tommy texted LCD to complain, “I DUNT ALWAYS WONT TOO TALK TOO OTHER KIPPERS SUMTIMEZ I WANT TOO TEXT MUMM A BOUT NOT MIXIN UP THE COLORS WEN ?!, SHE DOES MY WOSHIN.”

While the release of the Brexit phone has been highly anticipated, it seems it isn’t all it’s stacked up to be by its manufacturers.

“Well, it costs you a lot more to make calls at least,” our tech correspondent commented, “You’ll have to pay through the nose in the EU27 to use it. The battery life is poor and prone to overheating,

“The brightness function is more of a dimness, so that’s fitting. But the permanent caps lock is going to be an issue if you’re going for a job. As unlikely as that will be.”

It seems caps lock in a message is taken as the equivalent of shouting, which isn’t the best way to give emphasis to a well constructed argument relating to the future trading and cultural relationship between the United Kingdom and the European Union.

“Although, if you’re spouting racist gibberish it is quite fitting, so I suspect there is still a niche market for Brexit Industry’s smart phone.”

Won’t the early reviews affect its sales over the longer term?

“Potentially. Although I suspect if they just market the device honestly it will go better.”

And how would you advise them to do that?

“Well, test it first. Extensively. Work out the kinks. And call it a dumb phone. No one but the most credulous or intentionally lazy is going to believe for a moment this is a smart phone.”

Theresa May satnav mode disabled after only advising drivers to take hard right turns

Automotive safety bodies have demanded a Theresa May satnav mode be disabled after it was revealed it only ever advises drivers to turn to the hard right at any intersection.

“It makes it impossible to get anywhere,” Mr Mapp said, talking to LCD Views from a gridlocked street in Westminster, “you just end up going around in endless circles, even if they’re square circles.

The only time it tried anything different I ended up bogged in Westminster Green next to two red faced men holding a pro Brexit rally.”

It’s believed the design flaw is the result of a virus that infected the code behind the voice programme when Ms May’s voice patterns were recorded.

“It’s a bit of a mystery how a defining characteristic in her choices since becoming prime minister could have turned into a virus that’s infecting an entire system?” Mr Mapp wondered.

While a solution for the fault is sought drivers who have downloaded the Theresa May voice are advised to not use it. That it’s probably better to throw out the entire unit and get a fresh one.

“Hopefully they’ll get a fix. It’s been a troubled exercise from the start. The first edition drove people to distraction.”

This occurred because it issued instructions in three word soundbites that were grating at first, and quickly very distracting to drivers.

“Red means red isn’t much help,” Mr Mapp said, “Also, stop means stop, go means go and so on. Not once would she actually give a direction anyone could realistically follow.

The only driver who was so conditioned to being directed by machines they did exactly as instructed ended up in a dark pond, in their work car, while driving someone they were having an illicit encounter with home.

So they lost their job and their relationship once it all come out via the recovery and insurance process. I understand they’re now alone desperately ringing distant relatives for help.”

The further risk is apparently the sound of the actual voice itself.

“If you listen to it enough you can’t get it out of your head. And you end up hearing her instructing you when you’re on the toilet, brushing your teeth, making love, doing the grocery shopping, anything, anytime. It’ll send you mad.”

Just don’t do it. There’s always another option for how to get from A to B.

Fears for world peace after iPhone update includes predictive ‘Bojo chat’ for texting foreign friends

Fresh fears for world peace today after megacorp Apple included a predictive ‘Bojo chat’ in the latest iPhone update for use when texting foreign friends.

“In theory the new predictive Boris text should make it easier to complete sentences to friends who speak more than one language, i.e., not British friends,” LCD Views’ technology whizz, Dr Whizz, commented.

But it seems early results of the global live beta test have returned some alarming results?

“Indeed. Already over a million British people have lost friends from other countries. It’s really alarming.

Apple are facing calls from many organisations, including the UN no less, to release a fresh update that cancels out the Boris Johnson function before more harm is done. This could potentially trigger a localised war if high ranking government officials accidentally use it.”

But what’s going wrong?

“The amount of unintended insults that are being written in foreign languages is the chief gripe,” Dr Whizz said, “and the intended ones too, they’re also causing a lot of harm.”

It seems the situation is worsened by the inability to turn the function, already nicknamed ‘Bojo chat’ (by text savvy types), off.

“Yes. And some users have reported that it actually sends messages to people at random from your contact list. This is most likely if you’ve already had an exchange with someone that didn’t go as well as you liked.

Bojo chat will wait until the phone has been untouched for a certain period of time, normally five minutes as this is judged long enough to decide a user is asleep in 2018, and then send follow up texts to depeen whatever misunderstanding or insult has occurred.”

Apparently it’s even caused an engaged couple to call off their wedding?

“More than one. It seems particularly interested in causing breakdown in harmony between English and French or English and German people.

One distressed man from London said he woke up to find Bojo app had destroyed his engagement to a French woman, who was visiting family in Paris, while he was in the shower.

The phone had followed up a minor misunderstanding about the flower arrangements for their wedding with a message that read,

‘Pifflepoffle cheese eating banana straightening surrender monkey I wouldn’t be caught dead in your bed unless you were already married to someone else you catastrophic mung bean piling wintertazzle!’, but in French.”

How have Apple responded to the complaints and what do they intend to do to correct it?

“They’ve claimed it is a great success. It proves how advanced their AI modelling of Boris Johnson is. And much like Facepamphlet making an algorithm change that drives everyone nuts, we need them more than they need us, so we can just suck it up.”

Based on all this we would suggest just phoning a friend from now on instead.

Car ferry owners furious as Grayling bridges Solent, at widest point

LCD has received word from the Ministry for Transport that Chris Grayling MP is about to leak an underwraps memo relating to the Isle of Wight and drastic changes to who owns it and how you get to it.

Our Westminster insider (no names no pack drill) reveals the likelihood of the re-nationalisation of the East Coast line is to be used to divert mainstream media interest away from one of the most exciting infrastructure developments in modern times.

“Grayling has succeeded in obtaining a commitment from Richard Branson (the railway billionaire who also likes buying up pieces of the NHS) to go for broke with the compulsory purchase the Isle of Wight, on the back of a promise from the Department of Transport to build a bridge to it, at its widest point.”

Why…I hear you ask? Is it because he just loves the island life? He just can’t wait to get there?

“It’s to do with Brexit,” the insider continues, “following the PM’s announcement that the UK is leaving the EU customs union, the Isle of Wight has been set aside as the new customs import and export entry point.

Why have lorry queues snaking all the way from Dover to London when you can carpark the Isle of Wight?”

Grayling will lay it out later in speech:

“This will make a perfect area to place the new UK customs screening facility.

Once we have cleared the existing housing there will be plenty of land for lorry parking while truck drivers await their chance to drive across the single lane bridge to dry land.

The narrowness of the bridge also means anyone attempting to sneak across the Solent will have to swim the Solent.

With four tides a day they are guaranteed to turn back, to the delight of Torykippers (who are the only voters we care about now), before they reach the mainland.

It’s a win, win! I’m personally very excited to have something else to make a success of. I believe this new infrastructure project can be completed in time to crash out of the customs union.”

Labour have yet to realise the implications of the memo, and the major transport change to the UK infrastructure.

Emily Thornberry has requested a map to see were exactly the Isle of Wight is relative to the UK mainland and promised to wake up Jeremy to comment.

LCD Views asked Richard Branson for a comment.

“Go away!… I’m still trying to find a builder to repair my caribbean island! And I’m not best pleased by all the laughing from the UK! I’m just a face. This isn’t my plan.”

As part of this sensible and sober plan to make a success of Brexit, the Isle of Wight we be renamed by the department of transport, to better represent its vital function as a place for goods and lorries to line up.

“We’re going to call it the Aisles of Wight from now on,” Grayling will say, “But we’ll have a competition to name the bridge.”

Freemasons denounced as terrorists since the square and compasses are weapons of maths instruction

The recent revelation that there are at least two Freemasons’ lodges operating within the Westminster bubble has placed doubts upon their motives. More than one cynical journalist has accused them of actually teaching mathematics.

This is dangerously subversive. It is well known that most journalists are barely numerate. Also, MPs are well known for exaggerating their expenses claims. “Stick a couple of zeroes on the end to be on the safe side” is the rule of thumb here.

Suspected Freemasons have been observed sneaking about, furtively, with sheaves of graph paper. They are believed to be plotting something.

If successful, the mathematical knowledge unleashed will cause an uproar in Parliament. Myths, lies, and slogans will all be exploded as soon as enough Members are able to correctly read and interpret statistics. The writing will be on the wall, and it will read “Lies, damned lies, and Brexit”.

The prime suspects will play the percentages. Realising that you cannot square the circle without bringing pi into play, pie-eyed politicos will be obliged to ban pastry dishes with tasty fillings.

In addition, another factor is money. Many don’t see the point of decimal currency. Some wags have called for a return to LSD, but others accuse them of having flashbacks to the drug-addled 1960s. The Church of Brexit worships the great god Sterling, although only the favoured few will be allowed access to it. Clearly, love of money is the square root of all evil.

LCD’s Numeracy Matters correspondent spoke to a Westminster Freemason, who gave his name as “Ray Dius” to protect his anonymity. “It’s dreadful!” he murmured. “I haven’t done any sums for over 40 years. It’s like being back at school!”

He went on to whinge about being taught trigonometry, algebra and statistics. “I’m even starting to make maths jokes!” he wailed. “I mean… no, it’s divide and ruler… and I used to love the chicken pie-thagoras! Arggghhhh!!”

The terrorists intend to make Brexit blow up in their faces. And they will be able to calculate the trajectory of every particle.

Every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit

Great news for lovers of patriotic songs today with the announcement from the Ministry for Potatoes that their crop of Tory MP’s will be introducing a new bill in parliament that will make it obligatory for every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit.

“We actually wanted to make the law retrospective,” said Tumble-Trot Bum-aster, MP for Trot-Bum-on-Creem, “but we were sabotaged by some remaoner civil servants who were determined we do not break the laws of time and travel backwards any further than we already are.

And to be fair, given the result of the last vote ever needed by the United Kingdom, it seems legs are pretty easy to pull already, we just have to theme tune them.”

Also, an upside of the advice is that all true born British children will have the opportunity to learn the lyrics of the famous music hall classic in time for 10pm 29th March 2019.

“Some children have been caught singing ‘God save the EU’, which will of course be a hanging offence from 22:01, 29th March 2019.”

Further preparations will be undertaken to help right thinking British folk choose which leg is their preferred leg to be pulled.

“If you don’t use your good leg you might make a hash of the song,” Tumble-Trot says soberly,

“I use my gentleman’s personal gentleman’s leg for all songs, as a rule, so even I have to work out which leg I’m going to have pulled to play ‘God Save The Queen’.

As an MP I tend to pull my middle leg in the office.”

At this point the MP appeared to notice he was already pulling his leg and not singing.

“Excuse me. I appear to need to sing, to lead the charge, you don’t know the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ do you?”

We don’t. Oh my God.

“Australian sons let us rejoice for we” No! Stop.

“Oh say, can you see the dawn’s early light” No!

”The people’s flag is deepest red”

No! Only if Labour get into power and are determined to turn Brexit into Lexit!

The lyrics will have to be learned by the time the neocon project of Brexit reaches tumescent fulfilment in 2029.

Anyone have ‘Alexa’ handy? She’ll know. We are on the wrong path but at least we’ve seen the light.

God save our gracious Queen (from the Brexiters once they get Henry VIII powers) and the rest of us…

Pull the other one, it plays Brexit bells.

If Rees-mogg had planned the gunpowder plot it would have gone off with a bang, says man in white shirt

“If Jacob Rees-mogg had planned the gunpowder plot it would have gone off with a bang,” said a man in a white shirt who started a punch up the other day, while strangely not dressed as a Nazi.

“Robert Catesby, Guy Fawkes and the rest of the mob, just amateurs,” the man in the white shirt, strangely not dressed as a nazi for once, continued,

“look at the excellent conspiratorial work of the dashing member of parliament for North East Somerset last week?”

Look indeed, how could we not! As the media spotlight was right on the (alleged) plotters from the moment they got the short con of a civil service stitch up rolling under the protection of parliamentary privilege.

“You see the difference? Had Guy Fawkes planned it right he would have been standing inside the commons with all those barrels and a torch and no one could have touched him. Second class. Third rate. Remainder in a barrel job that 1605 plot.”

And how perfectly it went off last week, as Steve Baker lit the fuse after Rees-mogg laid it out for him to light, allegedly…

“It’s not their fault it blew up in their faces!” the man in the white shirt, strangely not dressed as a nazi, continued, “those traitors at Prospect magazine and their treasonous recording devices that set the record straight. Why I’d like to biff every last man and jack of them.”

But at least they had a follow up.

“Get some of those Corbynaitors right wound up by slapping a woman in the chops to make them look bad! ha!” the man in the white shirt, strangely not currently dressed as a nazi finished up, “they fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I can’t say who originally thought up that little plot. Just because it’s also blown up in our faces, because I like to wear fancy dress at parties, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth a shot.”

Whatever will they think up next? Or maybe it’s all part of the planing of the long con of Brexit?

We asked Steve Baker MP, who won’t be sacked for abusing parliamentary privilege to attack civil servants who can’t fight back, what he thought of it all,

“I think it would be quite extraordinary if it turned out that such a thing had happened.”

Quite Steven. Quite. Maybe take a little longer in the planning next time you hatch up a plot with a 19th century fop?

Prime minister confirms new customs arrangement with EU will be a rabbit in a hat

A famous British magician has confirmed today that she is able to give people worried about how we will achieve a deep and close trading relationship with the European Union, after we have left it, by saying she is going to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

“It’s a classic trick,” she blushed in modesty, “not many people can do it. But when the pressure is really on I can.”

The reassurance will be welcome. We spoke to our international trade specialist for more details.

“You get a hat, right?” Dr Fox Fox began, “You got one? Make sure it’s a top hat. A deep one.

Okay, you make the top of the top hat hinged. It’s got to be a door. But one with a stiff seal so it sits snug or the illusion won’t work.”

We’re writing it down…

“Okay. Now you need a rabbit. Tradition dictates a white rabbit because it shows up best under lights. You’ll need sedatives though as the rabbit needs to be calm. You’re going to be shoving it in the hat and dragging it out and waving it around. Dope it to the eyeballs.

Dope yourself too. To the eyeballs, just in case you find yourself unable to perform. Maybe give the rabbit a bit of viagra. Maybe take some too. Stiffen the resolve. This is deep and special.”

Noted. I didn’t realise there would so many trips to the chemist. What about mind over matter? Surely the new union will be exciting enough?

“Don’t get technical.

Now, you’ll need a few distracting personal movements so people aren’t properly focused on the hat when you show them it’s empty.

Make sure the hat is black. This way people won’t see the hinges and flaps.

But it’s important not to leave the rabbit in the hat for too long before you pull it out, but don’t pull it out too early.”

Why not?

“It will suffocate. Not that the UK is in danger of that. No way.”

And finally?

“Suspense.

You need to build up the suspense.

It’s best if your audience thinks you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to achieve it for the surprise to be greatest when you pull the rabbit out of the hat.

If you start pulling the rabbit out and waving it out early, like some boring public servant with a telephone book of plans, everyone will get bored.

Are you ready?”

We can’t wait. Let’s do it before I forget why we’re here.

“Not yet.

The only flaw in the plan to provide certainty for our future trading relationship with the European Union, A new, deep and special, meaningful, enduring, job protecting relationship, at the moment is that we don’t have a rabbit and we don’t have a hat.”

Downing Street fires first shot in trade war with EU by threatening to shoot itself

The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.

“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”

It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.

“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”

It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.

“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”

Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.

I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”

Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.

“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”

Jeremy Kyle show to replace ECJ to arbitrate trade disputes once U.K. leaves EU

Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.

“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,

“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.

It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”

And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”

Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.

We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.

“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.