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Will-y of the people seeks treatment for electile dysfunction after Revoke Article 50 petition goes viral

LCD Views’ Democratic Health correspondent has received reassuring news this morning that the famed ‘Willy of the people’ is to seek treatment for electile dysfunction.

“Willy has been brought out and exposed to public scrutiny so many times over the last two plus years, the strain is starting to tell. Not to mention sheer age, given he’s from the older voting demographic by and large.”

Symptoms first started to become evident the moment he was first exposed to public scrutiny in 2016.

“You could see he was flaccid at times and uncertain if he was up to the job. The next day he would be stout as English oak and almost impossible to keep down.”

The public figures who have aligned themselves with Willy have issued stiff and multiple denials that anything is wrong with this most public organ. Although it’s worth noting they aren’t holding Willy as hard as they used to.

But they still claim to have a firm grip on his innermost desires; that he fills them with rigour and a upright sense of direction, even though he’s barely at half mast.

“Willy never changes in his mind or ours,” our correspondent advised, quoting from a sheet said to contain eyebrow raising government talking points, “once he has raised his flag he is off like a rocket and fast as a steam train through a tunnel no matter how the winds of fate blow, hard, or soft.”

But keen observers have noted that whatever the people claiming to know the mind of Willy may spout, he’s been up and down and turned around so many times since June 2016 that it would be a shock if he wasn’t suffering electile dysfunction.

“The treatment is actually pretty straightforward,” our correspondent advises, “Willy needs some straightforward facts, no beating around the bush, just plain old talk about the body politic and what it desires and he’ll be stiff as a flagpole again in no time. Some sort of willy joke should do it. I mean, people’s vote!”

A fresh election wouldn’t hurt him any either. Oh, and if people could stop signing that Revoke Article 50 petition by the thousands every minute or two…We fear there’s no coming back to form for the 2016 Willy of the people now.

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May to redo last night’s rant as she forgot to also blame the Queen

Fantastic news for lovers of hysterical, and historic, speeches today with the announcement that Prime Minister Theresa May will be redoing last night’s smash hit oratory over.

“It was rousing stuff the first time around,” a section of the carpet under her feet last night commented,

“but you know what they say, the only good rewriting is rewriting. And the moment she gave the patented power stare for the Daily Mail to use on its front page, turned and robotically lurched away, she knew she could improve even on what was already a tour de force in attribution of blame.”

It’s believed that later today the podium will be carried outside the door of 10 Downing Street so May can talk to the nation again.

”So soon? What a treat,” the carpet unrolled, “but I can tell you that she won’t be giving the recooked speech this afternoon, but informing the nation from the podium that she will be doing it again this evening at the same batty time on the same bat channel.”

That’s very considerate. People can rearrange their dinner plans around it. But what changes will she make to what was a perfect set piece already?

”She’s blames parliament for standing in the way of her manifest destiny,” the carpet lurched, “she’s appealed directly to the people not to let their elected representatives stand in the way of her job as fence for an international kleptomaniac crime spree to rob the U.K. blind, but she didn’t quite tick all the boxes with the redirection of blame.”

Who did she miss off the list?

”Queen Elizabeth II, who pretty much declared war on Theresa May with a hat and it hasn’t been forgotten,” the carpet turned up at the corners, “that’s why she has to do the speech again. There’s always someone else who needs to be blamed.”

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10 Downing Street important speech podium resigns with immediate effect – toilet believed to be resigning next

Breaking news this afternoon that there has finally been a resignation inside 10 Downing Street. But not the one so many millions are crying out for.

“The podium used for important speeches has resigned,” our 10 Downing Street insider whispers down the line, “with immediate effect.”

It’s not entirely clear what the reasons for the lacquered wood walking out of what is a prized job in the furniture world are, but it’s believed work place conditions can only be to blame.

“You imagine its job? Just imagine it,” our insider demands, “you’re rarely seen. You spend most of your time in a cupboard feeling all alone. Much like the prime minister does. But now and then, at times of moment in the nation’s history, the door opens and you’re lifted out.”

But only to find some middle aged kipper playing out their psychodrama on an international stage ranting from behind you?

“Something like that,” the insider says, “the podium has had enough. It’s only on a zero hours contact anyway. It wants to find a place to work where people stand behind it who actually have something to say. Early reports it was heading to the Labour HQ have been denied, as it believes it will just find itself in the same conditions, but with less to do. It’s most likely going to seek work in Brussels.”

And we understand that the podium isn’t the only furniture, fitting or fixture considering its position in light of the endless horror contained within the historic walls?

“The toilet is about fed up too,” our insider replies, “it’s actually saying as soon as I’m done hiding in the WC talking to you that’s it calling Pimlico Plumbers (shameless name drop as thanks for the ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ signage!) and arranging to be rescued. It doesn’t believe it’s the capacity to handle Theresa May locking herself in on top of it for another evening of screaming at the tiles.”

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Parliament to move to more suitable building

Soothe your worried brows, start catching up on sleep and make sure you begin having a proper breakfast again, the Brexit process is now in orderrrrr.

”Parliament is to move to Bedlam,” our Westminster watcher confirms, “it’s thought that until Brexit is abandoned, and the lunatics no longer run the asylum, a different historic building would be better suited for parliamentary sessions.”

There has been resistance to the move, tabled in a motion in the Commons, for some time, but each time it is delayed the front benches of both main political parties make it clear the shift is overdue.

”This will allow the refurbishment of the Palace of Westminster to proceed much faster too,” our watcher notes, “a tangible benefit of the Brexit process. It needs to be completed in time to re-open as a museum for what was once one of the world’s most admired representative democracies.”

It’s believed the final straw come after PMQs today, when PM on her last legs, T May, lambasted the house for not doing what she is ordering them to do, in spite of her order being clearly batty.

”I don’t think most of the MPs will notice the shift to be honest,” our watcher concludes, “the ERG will clearly feel it’s a place they can probably boss too. Bit disorientating being a lunatic running an asylum when the building wasn’t constructed with that in mind.”

Is there any chance of stopping Westminster becoming a museum and MPs moving back in?

“Not unless you can convince enough of them that what they’re doing to the U.K. right now is completely batshit crazy.”

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Scientists discover creature that feeds upon itself

Boffins from the University of somewhere or other have discovered the remarkable creature alive and well in mainland Britain. The creature, if allowed to live, will eventually consume itself in an orgy of contradiction.

This beast has been provisionally named “Cannibalia Brexitus”. It is believed to convince itself over time that its own flesh is the sweetest around. It then corners and traps itself, before consuming itself.

A large colony of Cannibalia Brexitus has been unearthed under our very noses in Westminster. Cunningly disguised as politicians, they were once considered to be merely up their own arses. Right idea, wrong orifice.

It starts as a simple case of putting your foot into your mouth. This often happens by accident, although it can become a habit. Chris Grayling is a case in point. This tendency can easily result in auto-cannibalism.

The transformation into a self-devouring monster can sometimes be delayed by the victim. In this instance, they normally produce humungous amounts of shit, and feed on that instead. This is the case with rentagobshites like Iain Duncan Smith. These intermediate stage creatures are often called bottom feeders.

But the peak of the evolutionary scale – or, more accurately, the trough – is when the creature manages to reach a plateau of isolation and narcissistic self-hatred. Cornered by its malfunctioning protective instincts, it becomes so detached from reality that serving up your own living flesh for dinner becomes not only a possibility, but desirable.

The boffins describe the creature hunting itself, becoming its own prey. They have surmised some kind of out-of-body experience must occur. However, once the transformation has taken place, victims are usually too far gone into their alternative reality to speak to experts.

Theresa May is the most prominent example of this phenomenon. The same scientists believe that she is merely an empty husk, and that she has eaten herself away from within. She is likely to implode completely upon contact with reality.

There is a cure, but it is a desperate remedy, and not always successful. It’s called a general election.

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Woman who deliberately ran down clock now searching for way to make time temporarily stop

LCD Views can report reassuring news today for people who are anxious that the government of the United Kingdom is just pissing about wasting time in order to make disaster capitalists richer with a god almighty crash.

“Oh, that’s not changed,” our personal Westminster Bubble bubble squeaked, “but we need to pause the process for a few months so the Brexit backers can take up new positions. Much better to cash in on the crash out from one’s yacht while it’s moored off Monaco, don’t you know. Chilled champagne, a view of a sparkling sea and the ticker tape ticking away with boom baby! Boom!”

Well that’s not very reassuring now, is it?

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” the bubble floated up and then down, “any extra time granted to kill the Brexit zombie means more shovel blows to its head. Take whatever time you can get. Due to the general gutlessness and paralysis of an overwhelming majority of MPs, the clock was always going to run down to the last seconds before salvation or disaster. Last minute salvations are part of the UK’s culture.”

Does it help that both main party leaderships are committed to the same lie?

“That is an interesting one. If you take the premise (and you’d be wise to) that Brexit is a lie pedalled by racists, it’s hardly surprising that the largest political parties in the UK are consumed by racism scandals, because their leaders have backed an inherently racist agenda. Purely out of their own lust for ideological victory. Their gain, your loss.”

Cause and effect.

“Chicken and egg…”

So will the prime minister get her short delay? Or realise that the Tory party can’t boot her out until December, when the year is up from the no-confidence vote, and take all the can kicking time she can? She still gets to be PM. What else matters?

“I would wager she’ll get something longer with some conditions from the EU. But only if Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Paterson stop holding the WC door closed inside 10 Downing Street and she can actually get out to post the letter.”

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Bercow to headline Glastonbury 2019 performing ‘Killing In The Name’ by Rage Against The Machine, as a spoken word poem

LCD Views can print the made up scoop tonight that the UK’s newest anti-establishment, counter May-Tory culture hero, John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow, is to headline Glastonbury 2019.

It’s believed ‘the bollocks’ is to fill the now traditional political speech slot, after Jeremy Corbyn cancelled.

Conveniently it’s just before The Who come on, so hopefully when Daltrey sings his gammon hymn, ‘My Generation’, his piles will be inflamed by Bercow and cause the song to flop as Daltrey breaks apart mid song to shout “We won, get over it!”.

”Jeremy got word, that thanks to his colleague Theresa May’s, shambolic failure to drive Brexit through by the spring, there’s a strong chance there will be an anti-Brexit protest presence in the audience,” our music festival correspondent reports,

“he suddenly realised he had a diary clash. He’s apparently previously booked to fly as far away as possible on the day, but attend a place with undeniable human suffering, so people have a hard time calling out his cynicism in the press and on social media. Bercow was happy to take the chair on the Pyramid Stage, as parliament will be in recess anyway.”

It’s understood that ‘the bollocks’ will read from his personal copy of Erskine May from the stage, in particular the rules regarding attempting to repeatedly bludgeon MPs into voting for a pile of shite.

”But the showstopper will be when he does his spoken word turn,” our correspondent says, “he’s going to read the full lyrics of the classic Rage Against The Machine song ‘Killing In The Name’ complete with the swearing. It’s going to be amaze balls to the max.”

After the lyrical performance Bercow will be moving his chair to the middle of the crowd and regaling the revellers with his favourite memories of his time as Speaker of the House of Commons.

”If we’re lucky he’ll do a full ten minutes of shouting order too,” our correspondent adds breathlessly, “Corbyn benefitted from the crowd being off its tits on MDMA when he showed up. There’s no reason to believe John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow won’t get a similar high reception.”

Be there or be square.

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Theresa May to re-record Cher hit ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’

It seems you can’t move for covers and re-recordings of classic songs these days, but the latest such announcement comes with a peculiar twist.

The Prime Minister herself (at least she still is at the time of writing) is recording a cover version of Cher’s hit “If I Could Turn Back Time”, dedicated to Andrea Leadsom, her main rival for leadership of the conservative party back in 2016 after David Cameron resigned.

The chorus has undergone a slight lyrical change:

If I could turn back time, if I could change it all
I’d let you take charge of Brexit, take my fall

An unofficial source close to the PM said:

“Theresa is starting to realise that this whole Brexit debacle is something she could have done without. She knows there’s no way she’s getting out of this with any political credibility intact, and she is wishing she’d let someone else take the rap for this.”

The nameless source (who could, let’s admit, be pretty much any senior tory official these days) added:

“It’s not that Theresa regrets being PM, she just wishes she’d waited until after this whole incident and been the backstabber, not the backstabbee.”

I noticed the hooded figure had a knife in his hand, which he was trying desperately to conceal from me. I decided to take his word on the issue, and left before there was any chance of the knife ending up in my own back – or indeed front, given it could have been Gove.

The B-side of this single is going to be another Cher song with a slight lyrical twist, “I Got EU Babe”.
The single is due for release on the 29th of March.

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Article 50 extension – May to meet EU27 delegation at Westminster to discuss terms of their surrender

The siege of Brussels looks to be drawing to a triumphant close with the breaking news that Theresa May has invited a delegation from the EU27 to Westminster.

“It’s all down to the strategic genius of the prime minister and her tight knit team,” a Westminster watcher observed, “bombarding Brussels daily with phone calls asking exactly the same question, being told no, immediately calling again, and with shock surprise visits, has finally broken their morale. They’ll do anything just to have peace for a few weeks.”

It’s thought the delegation will arrive just as soon as they’ve prepared themselves for what will be the gift of an extended and humiliating extension to Article 50.

”They need us more than we need them,” the watcher shrugged, “when she dog whistles they’ll come running. The Marchers for Leave I mean, well, if anyone of them survive the Farage-less trek to the south. The EU27 will probably use a plane.”

But why Westminster? Surely a victorious British delegation should parade through Brussels before forcing the EU27 to sign the new agreement in public?

”Ms May has been practising her curtsying furiously,” the watcher added, “and with the impressive firedrop backdrop of the Palace of Westminster, Big Ben sheathed like a giant’s cock beside it, the continentals will know what they’re up against alright. It’s the best visuals.”

Tickets to the ceremony will be available to purchase online, with priority given to people who can prove they’ve a Saint George tattooed anywhere on their person, but preferably about the face.

”If they play their cards right we may just leave after the extension. But if the EU27 screw it up they’ll be back to getting phone calls from May asking for another one day after day after day after day after…”

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Snake oil salesmen threatening strike if Brexit delayed criticised for making promises they won’t fulfil, again

“It’s just like a mob of zombies promising to take a break from stumbling about feeding on brains,” our Westminster correspondent (recently fired by the BBC for not reading from government press releases without comment) commented,

“it’s the only reason they’re still moving to begin with, most of them, searching for the source of that smell of autocracy, so they can feast on it. I wouldn’t believe them. They’re just raising false hopes, again.”

And raising false hopes they are.

The thought of nearly a hundred alleged dark money servants not meddling daily in the governance of the UK will be a prospect that lightens downcast faces across the land.

“Can you imagine an entire year without having anything said by Rees-mogg, David Davis, Andrea Jenkyns, Desmond Swayne and just the whole host of imbecilic, entitled, democracy smashing tools, an entire year of silence from them? It is actually making my skin tingle, in the right way for a change.”

But voters whose spirits are lifting at the prospect are warned to be wary.

“DO NOT count your chickens before they hatch on this one,” our correspondent advises, “this is the false promise collective. I’m pretty sure they’ve kept promises made to donors, lobbyists, probably to some representatives for various overseas actors? I don’t know. You tell me. But can you think of any promises they’ve kept to the great British public?”

(tumbleweeds)

(more tumbleweeds)

“Unless we’re talking about underfunding vital public services in order to fund tax cuts for billionaires of course. Those promises get kept.”

We here at LCD Views would love day after day without headlines involving the arch villainous actors of the current political life of the country, but we’re keep our shovel in our hands for the time being.

“Brains….brains….brains….”

See? Can you hear that? Do you feel it. Right now, the hard Tory Brexiters are still shuffling and stumbling about the land.