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“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours” May to address nation

Primed patriot Theresa May is to forcefully rebut claims she’s an unemotional, self centred, job devouring sociopath controlled by disaster capitalists wilfully burning the U.K. to the ground for profit later today when she addresses the country.

“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours,” Ms May will address a country on the brink of economic and civil collapse, “and as your leader I am the one the Martians will want to talk to when they bring their inter-galactic war against the Lizard Men of Zaasrth 9 to Earth.”

Asked what she will tell the Martians about how the U.K. functions and its form of governance, she had this to say, “I can’t keep my job day to day unless thousands of pathetic little peasants, scurrying about like ants on a parched and burning land, lose theirs.”

It’s May will go further this evening in her speech, requesting voters now come forward and offer their own job to be thrown on the bonfire of Brexit, which now burns on College Green.

”You should bring marshmallows to toast. Your job is bound to have a high combustion temperature and burn rate, due to its emotional importance to you. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Whether or not anyone will be able to force Ms May to bring her meaningful vote back again more quickly and stop this idiotic destruction of the lives of the citizens she is supposed to care for, is anyone’s guess.

”Don’t look at Labour to help,” Emily Thorny-berry responded for Labour, “we’re too busy trying to bully Anna Soubry, now she’s turned against May. It’s the way we roll. The most incompetent and confused official opposition you can find. Isn’t it a hoot? I’ve still got my job. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Give up your jobs Britons so Theresa May can keep hers, before she comes and takes it away anyway.

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Peace in our time! May and Corbyn declare truce to focus on fighting their own MPs

The leaders of the UK’s most powerful political parties have held a joint press conference today to declare a truce.

”Hopefully it will lead to a formal and permanent cessation of hostilities,” Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, dressed appropriately in white, stated, “so we can focus on our real enemies, the ones within our own parties. Impurities must be flushed from the viral essence.”

Ms May, dressed disarmingly in a denim jumpsuit and a power chain, was similarly hopeful.

”This truce, declared today between myself and Jeremy, builds on the back channel talks that have been held in secret for a long time, in order to deliver Brexit for the British people and autocracy for all, whichever old party is in government, Brexit means Brexit.”

(pause for a meaningful stare to camera)

”While we have still been officially at war, the Labour and Conservative MPs who worked openly in 2011, but failed to deliver an IN/OUT EUref then, can come out of the corridors now and advance hand in hand to victory against jobs and the single market and all those bloody foreigners on March 29th.”

The leaders went on to confirm that recent defections from their respective parties by traitors would not dampen their enthusiasm to build a lasting understanding built on the wilful demolition of auto manufacturers in the U.K. by both a major union and disaster capitalists.

”Our focus at the next GE will be on unseating our own MPs. And that is something else we can both agree on as a greater priority than food and medicines.”

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Jeremy Hunt evidence that throwing money at education doesn’t work

LCD Views can report whoever is currently education secretary faces an ever steeper, uphill battle for more school funding today after Jeremy Hunt opened his mouth yesterday.

Speaking in Slovenia, at the end of a flying visit to attempt to persuade the Slovenians to force the German car industry into action on Brexit, Mr Hunt put both feet right into it and insulted his hosts.

“He did so with a flair that puts him hard in the running to scoop the Boris Johnson Award for International Relations 2019,” chairman of the award committee, Boris Johnson, told us, before racing off to bag a young blonde.

With his glaring ignorance of Slovenian history, while attempting a backhanded compliment to show the British are superior, Hunt is certainly well placed, alongside other front runners such as Grayling and Williamson.

But it’s not all clapping, the usual suspects have instantly criticised Jeremy Hunt for carrying on Award chairman Johnson’s job of making the U.K. a feckin’ laughing stock, still, colleagues within the Tory chumocracy have stepped up to defend Hunt.

”See! Look at how much money they threw at Old Chunt’s education thing,” Tory MP for Ban-on-Enticement, Sir Kno Hope, cried,

“Bally lot of good that did. He clearly skipped modern European history. So did I! Ha! Stayed back in the feudal period when peasants knew their bally place. No point spending money on state schools when you can funnel state money into offshore bank accounts and rule like it’s the early 14th century again. I didn’t even need my own expensive school to know that, just had to be born into the right family!”

It should be noted too that Mr Hunt’s comments also place him to win the Jacob Rees-mogg History award.

”And the new Giles Fraser award for public stupidity! Which I’m now on the board of. What a load of total Jeremy’s Global Britain must seem.”

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Love thy neighbour, but not foreigners, says vicar

A celebrity vicar’s knickers are in a twist. Giles Fraser, the vicar of Didley Squat, has exchanged dog collar for dog whistle by arguing against freedom of movement on the flimsiest of premises.

Social mobility is not a modern phenomenon. Jesus and his family went into exile in Egypt to escape King Herod’s decree to slaughter the firstborn. Fraser’s religion only exists thanks to freedom of movement.

Would Fraser have us confined to our country, our county, our village? Would he have our marriage choices restricted to the boy or girl next door? Would he have us forget that the rich tapestry of British life is woven from strands from all around the world?

Fraser is connecting two distinct ideas. People have always moved around, and relationships have always broken down. One does not cause the other. Rather, both are symptoms of the human condition. Since Fraser is divorced and remarried to a foreign lady, LCD Views says, you hypocrite! You nest of vipers!

Love thy neighbour, but who is thy neighbour? In the parable of the Good Samaritan, the neighbour is the foreigner who shows compassion. No love for foreigners, no love thy neighbour as thyself. Maybe Fraser needs to love himself a bit more.

Biblical scholar Matthew Twentitu gave us some further insights. “Christian teaching is all about love and forgiveness,” he said. “It is about the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. Would Jesus embrace foreigners, or tell them to fuck off?”

Twentitu quotes numerous examples of Jesus dealing with foreigners, outcasts, the poor and needy. “Jesus was the very opposite of the rampant crazed capitalists currently in power,” he said. “And unfortunately Fraser has thrown in his lot with the latter.”

The Anglicans are a broad church, but this one has a very narrow viewpoint. Canon, fire thyself!

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BBC Question Time production team deny planting Sauron in audience

Mordor Productions, the production company behind the BBC’s Question Time programme, have hit back today at accusations they planted Sauron in the audience for last night’s episode from Chester.

The company has long courted controversy by accidentally finding failed UKIP and Conservative party electoral candidates repeatedly in its audience. Who then further surprise by banging on with Brexit bot tropes all show.

“They keep wearing false moustaches when they phone up to be included in the audience,” Anne Orc, head of casting for BBC QT told LCD Views, “and the regional accents they put on are something else. I’d love to know who their voice coach is.”

But it seems they’ve really got themselves into a fix now that an actual known dark lord of evil has appeared to shout and bellow about respecting the result of the advisory referendum, now proven to be riddled with illegality and fraudulent.

“How were we to know it was Sauron?” the Mordor Productions rep demanded, “was he wearing that giant eye when he emailed for inclusion in last night’s show? No. He was wearing a giant, spiked helmet. We’re as much the victim here as British democracy and BBC credibility.”

Approached for comment on what now appears to some, but not us, the dodgy track record of the show’s production team, in terms of audience plants and balance, an imaginary voice from the BBC’s commissioning team responded,

“Please send all your enquiries to 55 Tufton Street where a dark money stooge will be happy to set up a straw man. Anyway, what the actual did you expect when you allowed us to ‘out source’ a key plank of our democratic experience? Of course it was going to be instantly corrupted. That’s what outsourcing is about. If you don’t like it. Change it.”

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Theresa May still sittin’ on the dock of the bay

Prime (in name only) Minister Theresa May has been sittin’ on the dock of the bay for a very long time now. Nobody can persuade her to move, and she has a permit to sit there until 2022.

Originally she was surrounded by a whole gang of optimistic supporters, waiting for their ship to come in. One by one, her companions have drifted away, as they became aware of the futility of their task.

Some have even jumped ship in an effort to drag her away from the precipice. So far this has had no effect, as she sits there, a rudderless figurehead, captain of a sinking ship.

LCD Views asked her what she was doing there. “I’m watchin’ the ships roll in,” she said, “then I watch ’em roll away again.” A plausible response, except that she was sitting on Ramsgate’s disused harbour watching the ferries run by Seaborne Freight.

That won’t do, we said. There must be more to being Prime Minister.

“Yes, I’m sittin’ here restin’ my bones,” croaked May. “And this loneliness won’t leave me alone. But I’m Primed for action, should it be required.”

You know this makes you Prime Suspect in The Case of the Missing Brexit, don’t you?

“I can’t do what ten people tell me to do,” she droned obliquely, staring blankly out to sea. “So I guess I’ll remain the same.”

This business with hating brown people makes you more Prime Gammon than Prime Minister. It’s not a good look.

“I’ve got nothin’ to live for,” she moaned. “Looks like nothin’s gonna come my way, so I’m just sittin’ on the dock of the bay, watchin’ the tide roll away with all my hopes and dreams.”

We left her there, more sub-Prime than Optimus Prime, sittin’ on the dock of the bay, wastin’ time.

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Alleged bank robber to keep cash as alleged robbery was only advisory

LCD Views has great news for people who want to work hard once and then retire with the announcement that due to a quirk in the law an alleged bank robber is to be allowed to keep the cash allegedly gained from an alleged bank robbery.

“It was only advisory,” Law Pants, QC, acting for the alleged robber told us, “so it’s not really a crime. My client stating on record, when allegedly planning the alleged heist of the British Democratic Bank, that the robbery would only be advisory and any resulting gain in monetary terms would be taken under consideration, but there was no actual mandated decision to keep or return the loot, so he can’t be held accountable,

“and funnily enough, get this! It’s a hoot!

“Due to a quirk in the law he gets to keep the result of the advisory raid on the Westminster branch of the British Democratic Bank because it can’t be ruled a robbery because it was only a theoretical exercise in smashing a western democracy, I mean bank vault! And too much time has passed anyway, because an alleged robbery has to be acted on legally within twenty four hours or you can’t touch the alleged robber. It’s quite a gordian knot! Someone really should just cut it!”

The news will make it easier for people planning further alleged heists of the British Democratic Bank and is encouraging for anyone worrying how they’ll feed their kids after inheriting millions and finding themselves feeling undeservedly god like, but kinda bored.

“It should help bring a feudal political system back to the United Kingdom,” Law Pants mused, “but I can’t personally see how it’s related to the advisory EU referendum held in 2016 and proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence at all.”

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Anna Soubry criticised for stating the bleeding obvious

Former prime minister of the United Kingdom, Gordon Brown, was rumoured to be feeling exceptionally hard done by today after reviewing a tape of newly independent MP, Anna Soubry’s, Newsnight interview to celebrate her freedom from tyranny.

”She’s come right out with a hatchet and buried it in the scarecrow’s eyes,” Mr Brown allegedly told us, “I admire that. But this isn’t really fair.”

What? The none too subtle attack on May? We admired the coolly disposed rage of Soubry as she began her slow demolition of her former terminator.

”The demolition job is fine. I’m all for it. I can’t stand Theresa May. She’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

Well, what’s the problem?

”I say it, in a car, in private, to my driver and I lose a bloody election to David ‘trotters’ Cameron. Soubry says essentially the same thing and she’s an instant bloody hero! Where’s the justice!”

It’s probably one of context.

”How so?”

You were prime minister at the time. You were power. You were talking about an elderly person unable to comprehend the changes in her society. So she was in a sense vulnerable.

”You’re not too bloody vulnerable when you’ve the majority of the media, right wing owned and race dog whistling, on your side! We soon saw who held the power. And was I wrong? Well?”

Arguably no, given that a few years after you forgot to un-mike we got the, so far, successful crime of Brexit perpetrated largely thanks to some people being a kind of bigoted. And some very much so. In fact a large part of the campaign was just racism. So I guess not.

”You’ve proven my point then! I know what they can criticise Soubry for what she just said and did though.”

What’s that?

”Stating the bleeding obvious!”

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Sajid Javid strips Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship

“I’m not into dog whistle politics, just to trigger the Tory voter base, and further my own leadership ambitions, by proving I can be well hard on the children of immigrants,” someone claiming to be Sajid Javid told LCD Views in an imagined conversation today,

“I’m perhaps just a brazen political opportunist, some may say, and I hope my stripping Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship today displays that quality.”

But surely that’s not possible, as Mr Corbyn was born in Britain and has committed no crime?

”Oh, didn’t you hear we’ve made possession of books with red covers a crime on a par with treason. And besides, I reckon he has Russian citizenship. He’s fine. He can go to Moscow. He’s friends who know the city well enough.”

But doesn’t, arguably, abusing your office of state and its powers for political aims make our democracy less safe? Surely it’s the thin edge of the wedge? Who next?

”You! Ha! You’re next. You once wrote an article critical of Corbyn, after ninety nine bashing my government, so I figured, well, you criticise Corbyn 1% of the time, you’re clearly a paid up Tory shill and I should tell our social media arm to give you a payrise. But now I’m not so sure…”

Wait, the government has a social media arm? You could have fooled me!

”You’re only making it worse for yourself.”

So when are you announcing that you’ve done it? That you’ve taken citizenship off the leader of the official opposition purely out of political opportunism?

”The 23rd of March will do it.”

Why then?

”Because that’s when the next People’s Vote March is planned for London and you can guarantee the absolute boy will be overseas doing something worthy at the time.”

One more thing…

”Yes?”

You’re not really Sajid Javid are you?

”No. I’m a political leek.”

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Study reveals UK safer in EU as provides some protection from its own government

LCD Views can reveal the result of a non-exhaustive study today that has found that the citizens of the United Kingdom are safer in the European Union.

“It was a non-exhaustive study because it wasn’t that hard,” our political futures correspondent, Mr Safety First, says, “seriously, it took about thirty seconds to come to the correct finding. We didn’t really find any evidence to the contrary either. The future is apparent IN or OUT of the EU. You can tell this by looking at the past decade and the present.”

But what was the lynchpin? We need to boil this down for rapid digital consumption.

“That’s easy.”

Well, please do.

“Right. It’s because being in the European Union means there is a base level of protection provided by the treaties and rules, regulations, laws and so on of the supranational organisation. You have to recall its founding, back in the post WW2 years. You also have to consider how you can get dozens of countries to work together. As difficult as that is, and as imperfect as it sometimes is, you don’t do it unless you can guarantee as much equality as possible. Yes certain countries have a lot more money and population and thus power, but every country has a veto. Every country has power. Can you say the same about the union that comprises the United Kingdom? Remain and reform in the UK would be a good starting point. Although Brexit makes the reverse more likely.”

That’s all very well, but what’s the one line to takeaway?

“Fine. It’s because staying in the EU provides the citizens of the UK some protection from their own government. Do you really want a Tory home secretary, or a far left one, should the country flip, in sole control of your rights?”

I suspect I wouldn’t have any. My rights would be based on their whim, if you look at how they’re currently riding roughshod over our democracy.

“Precisely. That’s what we discovered too.”

That wasn’t exhaustive at all.

“If Brexit does happen, you’ll get all the exhaustion you need. No fear.”