The Foreign and Commonwealth Office threatens to dazzle the Chancellor into envy on his big day with the attention grabbing announcement that Mr Johnson is to lead a new British expedition to find the Yaifo and instantly colonise them.
“Just being in the vicinity of Boris will turn them into British subjects,” commented Ms Let Thembe, one of the team planning the project.
“They will see this colossus of civilisation coming over the horizon bringing dial up internet and the lumber industry and they will understand instinctively it’s time to bow before the 20th century. I expect they will have already begun construction of a lodge with a bar, they just don’t know why yet.”
It’s thought the move by Mr Johnson is motivated partially by his concern for other people and mostly by his need to be loved.
“He’s just a big puppy really. Scratch his tummy and his back leg kicks. These people who appear to have deliberately chosen to live in an incredibly inaccessible region have only done so because Boris hasn’t had a chance to sleep with any of their wives. It’s understandable.”
But Philip Hammond is said to be incensed by news of the announcement on the day when he was to be in the spotlight.
“Phil doesn’t like coming out of his neat and orderly cave,” a handler for the Chancellor observed, “‘most mornings we can’t even get him to have his breakfast until he’s counted all his rocks and made sure they are in the position he placed them the evening before. He doesn’t really like bright lights. He doesn’t like other people, although as most of the people he sees each day are crazed and hate him because he’s not ideologically pure, well…”
It’s also a little curious as to why Mr Johnson should get in the way today of all days.
“Philip was announcing as part of his budget speech that all the money currently wasted on overseas aid was going to be split now between a foreign military and Boris’ expedition to sneeze cultures onto the Yaifo. This is very puzzling to us all.”
LCD Views has a theory as to why Mr Johnson has chosen to steal the limelight off his peer though, and it’s something to do with Phil’s rumoured reluctance to shell out and pay the Iranians for Nazanin’s release, thus saving Boris Johnson from himself.
“I hope the Yaifo like bubbling blonde boy’s running nude through their village holding bottles of Bollinger. Because unless Phil changes his mind over that already forgotten Iran mix up, that’s what they’re getting. Keep the people distracted and Boris has a get out of jail free card. Works for me!”