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Sajid Javid strips Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship

“I’m not into dog whistle politics, just to trigger the Tory voter base, and further my own leadership ambitions, by proving I can be well hard on the children of immigrants,” someone claiming to be Sajid Javid told LCD Views in an imagined conversation today,

“I’m perhaps just a brazen political opportunist, some may say, and I hope my stripping Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship today displays that quality.”

But surely that’s not possible, as Mr Corbyn was born in Britain and has committed no crime?

”Oh, didn’t you hear we’ve made possession of books with red covers a crime on a par with treason. And besides, I reckon he has Russian citizenship. He’s fine. He can go to Moscow. He’s friends who know the city well enough.”

But doesn’t, arguably, abusing your office of state and its powers for political aims make our democracy less safe? Surely it’s the thin edge of the wedge? Who next?

”You! Ha! You’re next. You once wrote an article critical of Corbyn, after ninety nine bashing my government, so I figured, well, you criticise Corbyn 1% of the time, you’re clearly a paid up Tory shill and I should tell our social media arm to give you a payrise. But now I’m not so sure…”

Wait, the government has a social media arm? You could have fooled me!

”You’re only making it worse for yourself.”

So when are you announcing that you’ve done it? That you’ve taken citizenship off the leader of the official opposition purely out of political opportunism?

”The 23rd of March will do it.”

Why then?

”Because that’s when the next People’s Vote March is planned for London and you can guarantee the absolute boy will be overseas doing something worthy at the time.”

One more thing…

”Yes?”

You’re not really Sajid Javid are you?

”No. I’m a political leek.”

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Study reveals UK safer in EU as provides some protection from its own government

LCD Views can reveal the result of a non-exhaustive study today that has found that the citizens of the United Kingdom are safer in the European Union.

“It was a non-exhaustive study because it wasn’t that hard,” our political futures correspondent, Mr Safety First, says, “seriously, it took about thirty seconds to come to the correct finding. We didn’t really find any evidence to the contrary either. The future is apparent IN or OUT of the EU. You can tell this by looking at the past decade and the present.”

But what was the lynchpin? We need to boil this down for rapid digital consumption.

“That’s easy.”

Well, please do.

“Right. It’s because being in the European Union means there is a base level of protection provided by the treaties and rules, regulations, laws and so on of the supranational organisation. You have to recall its founding, back in the post WW2 years. You also have to consider how you can get dozens of countries to work together. As difficult as that is, and as imperfect as it sometimes is, you don’t do it unless you can guarantee as much equality as possible. Yes certain countries have a lot more money and population and thus power, but every country has a veto. Every country has power. Can you say the same about the union that comprises the United Kingdom? Remain and reform in the UK would be a good starting point. Although Brexit makes the reverse more likely.”

That’s all very well, but what’s the one line to takeaway?

“Fine. It’s because staying in the EU provides the citizens of the UK some protection from their own government. Do you really want a Tory home secretary, or a far left one, should the country flip, in sole control of your rights?”

I suspect I wouldn’t have any. My rights would be based on their whim, if you look at how they’re currently riding roughshod over our democracy.

“Precisely. That’s what we discovered too.”

That wasn’t exhaustive at all.

“If Brexit does happen, you’ll get all the exhaustion you need. No fear.”

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650 MPs expected to belong to new Independent Group by 10:59pm 29th March 2019

As Brexit day approaches faster than a speeding bullet, running away from a stationery gun (wood, paper or pencil), we can report that Westminster pollsters are predicting no less than 650 MPs are expected to belong to the new independent group in HoC by 10:59pm, 29th March, 2019.

“It still won’t be a party,” our pollster says, “as they’ll still be trying to pick a colour for the party logos. Some have said why not go with white? But Angela Smith didn’t start out so well and some would read the wrong message in that. She’s on behind the scenes duties now,

“Blue and red make purple. So that’s no good. Once they absorb the Libdems then red, blue and orange? I’d have to get my colour chart, but that’s probably brown? People would have fun with it,

I see the difficulties. At least they’ve got the gender balance nailed down right now. That’s a rare feat in British politics. Although, I guess that’ll change once more male MPs put their fingers to the winds.

“Yes. They’ll likely be allied to the Greens on many issues, so they could go for a striped colour. I’ve sent my ideas to them. Candy cane would be nice. But even without a banner they’ll still be the largest bloc in the House of Commons, in fact the only bloc.”

But wouldn’t they stop many of the headbangers joining them? After all, they left their respective parties to get away from the ERG, the Corbynistas and their handlers and enablers on both sides.

“Those are the same things. And as they’re not a party yet they can’t stop anyone joining them. Makes recruitment easier. Baby steps.”

What are the same thing?

“The ERG and the Corbynistas. They’re both after a good hard Brexiting. So on the most dominant policy issue facing the country, they’re the same, except for some difference to do with definite and indefinite articles. Just look at Hansard. Check out the voting records over time.”

But how can you be so sure that the independent group will be so large by 10:59pm, 29th March 2019?

“Because that’s a minute to Brexit. And believe you me, the moment Brexit occurs no politician in the UK will want to belong to a party that caused it. Not even the ones who caused it.”

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We’ve survived self-inflicted national disasters before, claims Brexiter

Brexiters are getting more gung-ho about a No Deal Brexit every day. Cheerful wartime metaphors are the order of the day. We’ve survived worse, we’ll pull together. That sort of crap.

Meanwhile the mask has slipped so far that there is no longer the slightest attempt to disguise the lies. Brexiters now admit that Brexit is a self-inflicted national disaster and expect us to applaud.

LCD Views spoke to Brexiter bigmouth Lee Vingona-Jetplane about this latest pronouncement. “The British are at their best under conditions of great hardship,” boasted Vingona-Jetplane. “No Deal Brexit will create the conditions under which the true British spirit can emerge.”

It’s well known that people of any description pull together in times of strife, but is it worth destroying the economy simply to evoke misplaced nostalgia?

“Absolutely!” declared Vingona-Jetplane. “While the plebs are busy foraging for food, nobody will notice me and my chums buggering off with all the money.”

This phrase ‘self-inflicted’ bothers me. How many times has this country wrecked itself voluntarily?

“Many, many times,” replied Vingona-Jetplane. “It’s in the Conservative Party constitution. Why else would we privatise everything that moved? Or drag the country into wars, or impose a three day week? Every time it’s an opportunity for party members to profit, so where’s the harm?”

Vingona-Jetplane disclosed that he was so dissatisfied with his own party, which persisted in trying to reconcile Brexit with reality instead of just getting on with it, that he was thinking of setting up his own party.

“Yes, a proper Brexit for the few, not the many, party,” he said. “And no, I’m having nothing to do with that ghastly Farage character! Despicable chancer, trying to muscle in on our territory.”

We will get through it. We always do. So long as there are enough wage earners left to support Conservative party members, all will be well.

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International observers update description of the English for the modern age

LCD Views has the scoop today on the result of the work of a team of international observers who have been working to settle on a new description for the English, in light of recent events.

“We started this project on the morning of the 24th of June 2016,” Professor Hed Outsands, head of the UN special task force said, “exactly the same moment the Japanese government began planning for Brexit.”

But it only took the Japanese government a few months to plan for Brexit in all its flavours, why did it take a UN special task force nearly three years?

“Oh, we knew immediately that there would have to be changes to the words used to describe the once mighty English. Just like any other objective observer of the decision made by the parliaments of 2016-7 and then 2017 to present. It was all blindingly obvious if you took the merest effort to study reality and cause and effect,

“But just how sweary the new words would be were dependent on the choices made by the predominately English parliament of the United Kingdom government. It’s all very straightforward. As you can see from the results of our work, which is now complete.”

Is there a risk that the new words used to describe a nation, once generally viewed favourably on the international stage, would already be taken by well known bad actors?

“This why we have chosen the straightforward compound of batshit crazy to replace eccentric. Batshit is English and unlike the current english political establishment instantly understandable. Please see the handy link we have added to our report from the urban dictionary.”

Is there any risk that your study was influenced by johnny foreigners out to get the English?

“No. We had a vote to choose the new terms. Batshit crazy won 52/48. That’s an overwhelming mandate. Although there were some questions about the use of telephone voting and risk of multiple votes by singular actors. We decided to dismiss any concerns out of hand. It was only an advisory vote, but we have decided to implement the result, come what may. It was the only sound thing to do.”

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=batshit%20crazy

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May and Corbyn to sit together in House of Commons now all other MPs have left their parties

LCD Views can report that Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn are expected to confirm later today they will sit together now in the House of Commons, after every single other MP left their parties.

“We will offer strong and stable minority government,” May will tell assembled reporters, while Corbyn nods along, “and continue to work together to deliver Brexit.”

It’s believed Mr Corbyn will add, once May has finished with a slogan (currently being drafted),

“No amount of proven lawbreaking in the 2016 referendum, no amount of suspect foreign interference, and definitely not the endless daily media cycle of mass job losses can shift my Labour Party from respecting the result of the 2016 advisory referendum.”

The trickle of MPs leaving their respective parties began earlier in the week, but rapidly turned into a flood, as even Brexiters broke away to sit as independents, as well as MPs assumed to place party loyalty above all else.

We asked our hard pressed political analyst what he makes of the situation.

“It’s the Brexit, stupid,” he said, somewhat impolitely, “it’s all about leaving unions that leverage your personal clout under some delusion that being more isolated makes you more powerful. It’s rotted away at our politics so deeply that now it’s in the individual psyches of MPs. They’re all leavers now, even of their own parties.”

No one is sure what colour May and Corbyn will choose to brand their grouping with, as blue and red make purple, and that’s already taken.

“Oh, UKIP will let them use purple, so long as they remain committed to Brexit.”

We would like to wish May and Corbyn luck as they take their seats in the House of Commons together as the last two MPs respecting the old politics of the main parties.

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498 MPs who voted to trigger Article 50 with no plan blame it on diesel

LCD Views has an exclusive this morning after conducting fictional interviews with leading British politicians who voted to trigger Article 50 with no plan at all, other than to let Theresa May and the ERG do whatever the hell they like.

While there is still legal action ongoing over the validity of the Prime Minister’s decision to end life as we know it in the UK, we can get to the ass of the thinking of politicians involved in the vote.

“We should have triggered Article 50 on the morning of the 24th June,” Jeremy Corbyn, MP for Islington North, said (we think he did, the line was a little scratchy, so this is what we think he said), “that’s what I called for bold as brass in front of the television cameras. Not even a parliamentary vote as a fig leaf, just smash it all comrades. Revolution!”

Hang on, you expected to ride the crest of a wave of Euroskepticism straight into Downing Street and remake the UK? That doesn’t sound much of a plan, given you’d then be responsible for the dismantling of the United Kingdom’s entire international and economic framework.

“That is entirely my plan. Although I don’t want to get into Downing Street until after Brexit. Let the Tories take the blame by voting with the government at key stages of the process. Genius.”

What if your calculations are wrong? They’re based on respecting a referendum result now proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence.

“I love foreign influence. Just so long as it’s not Western foreign influence.”

But what if you’re wrong?

“It must have been the diesel fumes. But I’m never wrong. Just inhale.”

Okay, so the Labour leadership clearly had a deeply thought out plan to evade responsibility and then hope to profit politically, some might say, while further hoping to transform the country into the image it’s been daydreaming of since the 70’s, as the world changed and it didn’t.

What about the government?

“Brexit means Brexit,” Theresa May next told us, “and I’m going to make a success of it.”

You’re not really keeping up with events, are you? What was the plan behind the slogans?

“Who needs plans when you’re English and you have slogans? Johnny Foreigner will do as he’s told because we’re special.”

You’ve not really been keeping up with the way the world has changed either, gravitating into regional power blocs, meaning isolated countries, whatever their historical power, are going to be fighting like mad to hold it together.

“We’re Great Britain. Lesser people will bow to us in the end.”

But what if you’re wrong.

“I’ll blame it on diesel. Everyone can now blame anything that goes wrong with Brexit Britain on diesel.”

Maybe a better plan is to pause and reconsider?

“You need to get into the diesel. Diesel means diesel.”

Sigh. You better get back on that plane and go and talk to Brussels. I bet they have a plan and I bet they won’t be blaming the shift of investment and jobs to the EU27 on anything but Brexit and the politicians who voted to do it without a plan.

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“Don’t you know we won the war?” senior Tory to school Japanese gov over Honda closure

LCD Views can report that senior Tories are putting their names in a hat today in the hope of being the one chosen to talk to the Japanese, sternly, in whatever passes for diplomatic English nowadays.

”We will have to talk SLOWLY and LOUDLY,” an aide at the Department for International Trade said,

“as they’ve clearly not being paying attention the last few years, since Liam Fox started bagging air miles and talking of the opportunities that will come with Brexit. Which seem to be mostly expensive holidays for Liam Fox under the pretence of work. I wonder if a friend is going along? Anyway, cars are big today. They’ll be even bigger tomorrow.”

So why the reluctance on the part of the Japanese to continue to invest in the U.K. after Brexit? Is it related to the analysis they did after the ref result which realised it’ll be pointless?

”No. It’s a complete bloody mystery. It’s definitely not them following through on what they said they’d do if the U.K. opted for economic suicide. How anyone could be so blind to opportunity and obstinate. The Japanese are supposed to have a reputation as shrewd businessmen? They certainly seemed like they were when we were part of negotiating the EU-Japan FTA. Well, their reputation is taking a battering inside the DIT. I don’t mind telling you!”

While Liam Fox is clearly hoping to be the one to put the wellie in, it’s possible it maybe Jeremy Hunt, given that he is technically Foreign Secretary.

”That’s causing a bit of an issue over the rules for who gets to put their names in the hat,” the aide revealed, “as both Liam and Jeremy have already written to the Japanese in the last week and cheesed them off. It’s someone else’s turn. Probably not Boris. F Honda? While stout, it’s not a long enough dressing down. And he insults Johnny Foreigner at will anyway, like it’s his hobby.”

What about having the Tory MP for Swindon doing it? After all the Honda plant closure directly impacts his constituents. People he’s been reassuring there was nothing to worry about for years. Save time.

”The Tory MP for…maybe. What’s his name?”

We’ll have to google it. Oh hang on.

”What?”

This will cause some strife. It seems he’s got on the front foot and gone and done it.

”He probably didn’t hear about the names in the hat. What’s he said?”

Here, this is a hot take,

“There’s no need to go kamikaze,” Tory MP for Swindon, whatever his name is, is believed to have informed the Japanese today,

“I don’t mind reminding you either, that we won the war. And reminding foreigners of that over seventy years since is a key plank of Conservative electoral and foreign policy. Now about this idea you’ve got in your heads to have your rising sun set over Swindon. This is just not on. As a representative of the country that won the war, I have to inform you I…”

That oughta do it.

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Theresa May to beg Jeremy Corbyn hold firm on Labour Brexit policy after seven MPs quit party

Prime Minister Theresa May stands accused of letting the cat out of the bag today after publicly begging her greatest electoral asset, Jeremy ‘jobs first Brexit’ Corbyn to “hold firm on your pro Brexit policy”.

”It’s clearly asked in the credible hope of the complete destruction of the Labour Party before the summer 2019 GE,” our electoral analyst muses,

“Brexit is going to take out both main parties of course, but both leaderships are too blinded by their belief in their own revolutionary righteousness to see that. That said, thanks to the uncertainty principle, who knows what surprising results may emerge, if one crumbles before the other and a GE is called…if could be five more years of Tory rule, thanks to Labour having infected itself with the Tory toxin and dying first. This will likely happen during the article 50 extension period.”

And the Tories have every reason to hope that seven Labour MPs resigning from the Labour Party, for several stated reasons, will not cause Corbyn and chums to change course.

”Who needs red Tory blairite scum anyway? Who needs MPs who question the leader? Jezza never did that! Voters should be made to sign loyalty pledges before voting for Corbyn’s party too. And these are MPs who Labour insurgents have been gunning to put on show trials before kicking them out. People are going to be furious they’ve leaped before they were pushed!”

It’s hoped the show trials may still get to happen, after John McDonnell called on the departing MPs to call by elections.

It’s not hoped any Tories will join the Labour breakaways, as that will cause a number crisis in Westminster that would force Corbyn and May to work openly to deliver Brexit.

”They will be bye bye elections! Ha!” our analyst chuckles, “they’re just self serving scum anyway. Putting their own careers first by calling down the well funded wrath of an entire political party on their isolated heads. What selfish bastards! See how they fare without Len inviting him to his penthouse apartment in the Shard! Elite traitors! They get told their principles these days by head office and a little red book. They don’t decide for themselves.”

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Big cat criticised for blowing chance to save endangered country

“Now look, I want everyone to know I’m not just a big pussy,” Roger, the cheetah now famous for licking Boris Johnson on the hat, told LCD Views this morning, “he was hiding his face the whole time. I thought it was a big, stupid blonde kid who no one really likes and who needed cheering up. I didn’t realise it was the giant prat who makes dog whistle jokes in the Torygraph.”

Be that as it may, Roger is still coming in for a lot of flak this morning after missing his chance to change the political landscape of the United Kingdom.

”I know you’re an endangered country,” he goes on to say, “I understand how you feel. Clearly. I just wish someone had given me a heads up. Politicians attempting to use me to strap on some green cred, when we all know they’d wear me as a coat if they could get away with it, that really gets my goat.”

Roger went on in this vein, but it was fair to say that the big pussy is in danger of protesting too much.

We decided to press him for why really, why did he blow his chance not only for enduring personal fame, but to do his part to save our country.

”FFS. You want to know why? Really?”

Of course, or we wouldn’t be stroking you up the wrong way. Spill the beans.

”What do I eat? Antelope. I eat antelope. All sorts of varieties and warthogs. But I don’t touch bloody gammon. And that man is total gammon. The salt content is way too high.”