Boris Johnson to contact lost jungle tribe and colonise them on contact

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office threatens to dazzle the Chancellor into envy on his big day with the attention grabbing announcement that Mr Johnson is to lead a new British expedition to find the Yaifo and instantly colonise them.

“Just being in the vicinity of Boris will turn them into British subjects,” commented Ms Let Thembe, one of the team planning the project.

“They will see this colossus of civilisation coming over the horizon bringing dial up internet and the lumber industry and they will understand instinctively it’s time to bow before the 20th century. I expect they will have already begun construction of a lodge with a bar, they just don’t know why yet.”

It’s thought the move by Mr Johnson is motivated partially by his concern for other people and mostly by his need to be loved.

“He’s just a big puppy really. Scratch his tummy and his back leg kicks. These people who appear to have deliberately chosen to live in an incredibly inaccessible region have only done so because Boris hasn’t had a chance to sleep with any of their wives. It’s understandable.”

But Philip Hammond is said to be incensed by news of the announcement on the day when he was to be in the spotlight.

“Phil doesn’t like coming out of his neat and orderly cave,” a handler for the Chancellor observed, “‘most mornings we can’t even get him to have his breakfast until he’s counted all his rocks and made sure they are in the position he placed them the evening before. He doesn’t really like bright lights. He doesn’t like other people, although as most of the people he sees each day are crazed and hate him because he’s not ideologically pure, well…”

It’s also a little curious as to why Mr Johnson should get in the way today of all days.

“Philip was announcing as part of his budget speech that all the money currently wasted on overseas aid was going to be split now between a foreign military and Boris’ expedition to sneeze cultures onto the Yaifo. This is very puzzling to us all.”

LCD Views has a theory as to why Mr Johnson has chosen to steal the limelight off his peer though, and it’s something to do with Phil’s rumoured reluctance to shell out and pay the Iranians for Nazanin’s release, thus saving Boris Johnson from himself.

“I hope the Yaifo like bubbling blonde boy’s running nude through their village holding bottles of Bollinger. Because unless Phil changes his mind over that already forgotten Iran mix up, that’s what they’re getting. Keep the people distracted and Boris has a get out of jail free card. Works for me!”

Hammond announces massive investment in new slogans and scapegoats

“To get Britain fit for the future we will need slogans and scapegoats unequalled in modern times…”

So begins the chancellor’s budget 2017 speech to the now very common house later today, as revealed only in LCD Views, thanks to our mole in the treasury.

LCD will not be providing line by line scrutiny of the budget, as most of it is likely to be terrified bollocks from a man judged as one of the only sane ones in the current conservative cabinet, and thus expected to be politically butchered by the Brexit fanatics any minute of any day. Although he’ll take one or two with him we fancy…

We will though give you some of the tasty lines of his new fictional pamphlet, because it’s not every day a reclusive writer like ‘the undertaker’ publishes. So let’s see out of curiosity!

“Brexit means Wrecxit. A red, white and silly Brexit. Coalition of chaos. And now, a Britain so fit for the future you can’t see it sideways in a shower, are all vital parts of attempting to convince ourselves that economic suicide, of the type we have doggedly embarked upon, is the best choice for Britain.”

But slogans can only carry a country bent to the will of disaster capitalists by useful MPs, from across the political divide, so far.

“In order to prepare for the changes of paying the European Union billions to re-home large chunks of our highest performing sectors Britain requires a scapegoat as large as the divide between north and south in our great country.

Also, and let’s be clear on this, as deep as the deepest coal pit closed the last time a Conservative government went ideologically apesh*t crazy with the country.

In order to provide this goat to scape your government will be borrowing billions from payday loan providers to fund research and development into this crucial capacity for today and tomorrow.”

And we commend this budget to the house. For about five minutes. Until the tax u turns begin.

Government solves Irish Border problem by pretending it isn’t happening

“It’s the tonic we’ve been thirsting for,” commented a resident of Strabane, which is situated on the Northern Ireland side of the border and linked to Lifford, in the republic, by Lifford Bridge.

“All this time, since the advisory referendum on EU membership, we’ve had the distinct, and unsettling impression, that the people in government hadn’t really thought the issue through and were just making things up as they go along. To hear there is an actual plan is very reassuring.”

And an actual plan there is. No one needs to worry.

LCD Views can reveal tonight that we have seen a copy of the fag packet that David Davis and Boris Johnson have jointly worked out the solution to the border problem on.

If the UK decides, in its collective wisdom, to withdraw from the customs union with the EU, then we will handle the Irish border problem by,

“Pretending it isn’t happening so it goes away.”

We showed our copy of the imaginative and flexible plan to the anxious resident.

“That’s fantastic. I need to move goods back and forth across the bridge each day, across the border, so it was a real worry for me until now. Not to mention the little issue of a more distant concern of a return to the troubles if a “hard” border was re-established.”

One less worried citizen in Brexit Kingdom.

“Well, I’ll just stop filling my silly head with worries and get on with my day.”

You do that sir. Be of good heart.

Everything is in hand. If you believe it then it is true. Also if you ignore it.

“It’s only because all the BBC does is bang on about the hypothetical divorce bill, just like the kippers and the Brexiters in government, as if that’s all the EU mentions.

When the EU is constantly talking about the border and the Good Friday Agreement, which gives the mistaken impression they care more about us than Westminster.

But that must be wrong because Theresa gave some of us £1.5bn so she could keep looking after us, in her wisdom.

It wrongly gave me the impression that they were either too arrogant to care or too stupid and didn’t know what to do.”

Now who would ever think that of a House of Parliament merrily voting through far reaching decisions without a plan of what to do after?

Lost Papua New Guinean tribe gutted not to receive latest cold and flu virus from western explorer

The official spokesman for the Yaifo tribe phoned LCD Views via satellite phone this afternoon to express the tribe’s distress that Benedict Allen wasn’t able to find them and give them the latest cold and flu virus.

“We presume he flew to Papua New Guinea from Europe?” the spokesman asked, “in a pressurised aircraft with hundreds of other people from all over the world? That would have given him the best chance to catch the latest viruses that we don’t have deep in our jungle.”

The spokesman went on to say that they haven’t removed themselves from all contact with the outside world because they saw what happened to tribes that didn’t.

Neither did they worry about being harassed by well intentioned religious zealots from the West who believe changing all their names to ones from the bible and wearing ties would be better than whatever ancient traditions they are just playing about with now.

“It’s a real shame he couldn’t make it. I was hoping to see what an iPhoneX looks like and potentially get myself hooked on social media staring at a tiny screen all day posting my thoughts, rather than being so bored with trees and waterfalls and family members and magic and stuff.”

Maybe that helicopter could bring Benedict back and just drop him right on top of the Yaifo this time?

“Well make sure he is sneezing first. I personally have a sneaking suspicion that it was foreign bacteria or viruses that wiped out those Neanderthal once they reconnected with modern humans.

It would be good to see if a group of modern humans, only having been separated from the rest of the population for a few decades, would be just as susceptible?

Or if it takes tens of thousands of years and divergence genetically to do it? Mind you, the fate of “New World” peoples suggests it doesn’t take that long.”

Benedict Allen could not be contacted for comment, busy being irritated that people tried to rescue him when he was perfectly fine dealing with malaria in a jungle on his own without medication.

He wants to be left alone now, okay? Media types should probably respect that, rather than presuming he wants to talk to them just because he’s ignoring everyone.

Heavyweight George Freeman fails to land knockout punch after giving May a good grilling

Tory Policy Advisor and former heavyweight boxer George Freeman has resigned. This latest blow has left Theresa May punch-drunk but somehow still standing.

Freeman, who also moonlights as a grill salesman, is jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire of reforming the Conservative Party. This story has been simmering away for some time, before boiling over earlier this week.

He recently issued a stark warning to May’s government that Brexit risked turning the UK into an old folks’ home that can’t pay for itself. In other words, after Brexit the country could well be a bit like the House of Lords.

It is natural to conclude that Freeman’s resignation means that his warning was ignored. With so much at stake (medium rare, with onions), anyone predicting burnt offerings is being frozen out.

Freeman has, in the past, warned that the Conservatives are failing to attract the younger generation. To this end he organised ‘GlastonTory’ which was every bit as successful as it sounds. Young people are now flocking to ignore the Tories.

One barrier to youth appeal must be the Young Conservatives. It is rumoured that, in order to join the YC, you must undergo an initiation ceremony. Among the alleged required rituals, you must burn money in front of homeless people, and perform unspeakable acts upon a pig’s head.

Freeman’s constituents seem unconcerned. Typical opinions coming out of Mid Norfolk can be roughly sorted into three categories. Firstly, it’s OK, he still has the grill business on the side. Secondly, a muttered “It’s normal for Mid Norfolk”. And finally, who the dickens is George Freeman?

May has now received so many blows to the head that there is a real danger of brain damage and dementia. If only she could afford to pay the fees at the old folks’ home…

Blair accepts cabinet position of Brexit tsar so Corbyn will finally start to oppose

The Westminster bubble is at bursting point with excitement this afternoon with the stunning news that Tony “T-Bone” Blair has accepted the new and unelected position of Brexit Tsar in Theresa May’s cabinet.

“It shows just how desperate May is for someone who can stop Brexit in its tracks, before her legacy is ashes and ruin,” a Westminster insider told LCD Views.”Johnson, Davis and Fox were supposed to have screwed it all up and killed it off by now, but somehow they keep clinging on.”

To protect his anonymity we’ll only say our source served as Chancellor for some years, before going into the news business and is famous for singlehandedly solving the unemployment issue in the U.K. by personally filling any vacancy.

“But it’s the only way to get Jeremy Corbyn to actually oppose Brexit.”

The Brexit Tsar’s responsibilities will include being the new face of Brexit, leading the negotiations with the EU alongside that packet of mince and constantly appearing in the media to thank Jeremy Corbyn for supporting the government at each key moment of pressure in the Commons.

“It’s classic reverse psychology,” an aide to T-Bone told LCD, “he’s finally accepted that having taken the UK into a disastrous war in the Middle East on fabricated evidence, just because some thick as Davis cowboy threw him a bomber jacket, no one is going to see him as the King Arthur figure he is, at least not yet. But he really wants to help stop Brexit to try and redress the balance.”

Sources close to Jeremy Corbyn relate that he is the most incendiary anyone has seen him since he became Holy Father.

“He was supposed to be deifying a new abacus for John McDonnell this afternoon, so it could be sold as a relic to fund renationalisation of common sense, but I hear he’s so angry he’s postponed the ceremony until after tea.”

Will the psychological move do the trick? Time will tell, but I’d trust in T-Bone, if he can’t drive Jeremy Corbyn into opposing something than nothing will.

“Famous Five start hunting long pig” set for release 31/10/19

LCD’s entertaining austerity correspondent can report happily this afternoon that “Famous Five start hunting their friends” is set for release 31/10/19.

The latest instalment in the long running series of children’s books is said to have caused considerable mirth, but some unease, from the moment it was conceived.

“We’re doing gritty realism now,” a PR man for the publishing house advised, “and I don’t mind telling up it’s got a few people nervous.”

The main cause of anxiety seems not to be the underlying premise, but the inclusion of various cooking recipes throughout the story.

“It was my suggestion. What’s the point in knowing how to hunt and catch a friend if you don’t know how to cook them?”

The recipes are thought to be derived from classic British cuisine involving meat and two veg variations, with some pastry themed dishes thrown in for variety.

“Each recipe comes with musical suggestions to play during preparation. They will be downloadable via an app that will be ready for release with the cool book.”

Asked why such a specific date has been chosen,

“It’s an auspicious time and day for British people. It’s the moment of our liberation from normal day to day worries. Oh, and it’s probably also the moment we start eating our friends because the food has run out.”

Community theatre groups have also expressed interest in adapting the story for live shows on the streets of the entire United Kingdom.

Copies can be reserved in advance and we advise you to do so so you don’t miss out. Also take the following advice,

“I’d suggest you start storing salt before Halloween 2019,” PR man added,

“It’s going to be a much sort after commodity. And we all know everything, especially long pig, tastes better with salt.”

R4 ‘Today’ journalist who explained Merkel not ruler of EU placed on gardening leave by BBC

The BBC has taken right and proper action this morning by placing an unnamed employee on “gardening leave” after they attempted to subvert democracy by explaining that Angela Merkel is not the ruler of the EU.

They compounded their treason by shouting “the EU isn’t a superstate you clowns!” as security guards removed them from the Today programme studio this morning.
John Humohrys, who began his career in journalism reporting for LCD Views from Brussels, and will likely end his career doing the same, phoned up to tell us of the nightmare only averted by swift action.

“I can tell you we’re all pretty shook up,” he related, and then did an Elvis impersonation for a few minutes.

He returned to the attack on the people a few minutes later.

“A very long time ago, in a galaxy that now seems far away, we decided to outsource the majority of our political journalism to repeating government talking points on Brexit and to dumbing down the matter as much as possible to compete with the tabloids.”

He went on to explain that clearly,

“What happens with Angela Merkel in Germany is the most pressing factor in whether or not the EU superstate accept whatever hypothetical sum the idiots in government decide to offer, with strings attached, by way of furthering Brexit negotiations to the point where most major sectors of the economy depart Britain for the EU and the UK government gets to try and turn the country into a tax haven to make the backers of Brexit happy.”

Quite why the anonymous employee attempted to introduce some fact into a discussion that was predetermined to be largely nonsense is anyone’s guess.

“They may have picked up a subversive foreign muckraker that mentioned the trifling matter of Ireland and the border with NI? But that’s just a guess.”

UK to withdraw British agency of common sense from EU

LCD Views can proudly report great news for all British patriots and right thought citizens this morning with the announcement that the UK is to withdraw the British agency of common sense from continental Europe.

The BACS was established at the end of WW2 and agencies rapidly opened in major centres across Europe.

“It’s only right and proper that Britain responds to the betrayal by the EU encapsulated in the Withdrawal of EU agencies from British soil by withdrawing access to a vital British resource from the unelected plutocrats on Mars, I mean, in Europe,” a self appointed country redesigner who keeps most of his money in a tax haven commented phlegmatically.

The closure of the BACS agencies has already begun, indeed, has quietly been ongoing since the result of the Freedom and Independence Victory for the Chosen People of God referendum, held on June 23rd 2016.

“It’s a measure of the undimmed foresight of the British people that we began shooting ourselves in the foot long before any European took aim at our pinky,” Jacob Rees-mogg emerged from his ‘fathering recharging chamber’ to comment, to the exaltation of acolytes of the Brexit cult. He then went back inside and continued to imbibe vital essences.

Asked for a response to the devastating loss of British agencies of common sense, a representative of the tyranny across the waters shrugged and replied,

“I have been going into the agency outlets for months hoping to find some fresh common sense brochures on the display shelves, but always I find them either empty or plastered with xenophobic mind shit from your governing party’s coup leaders. These office spaces can be used to better effect. To lose what was already lost is not a fresh loss.”

Lies! They’ll miss our famous pragmatism and common sense as a nation now it’s gone!

“So will I…” murmured a small and largely unrepresented voice comprising 48% of the population, but we can ignore that voice because we’re a democracy!

Onward citizens! Take back control of all the office space! Victory awaits the bold Englishman who profits from uncertainty!

*The office of the prime minister would like us to add, they see no reason to open any BACS outlets in England to compensate for the closures.

£350M per week bus goes back into service as mobile food bank

Philip Hammond is rumoured to be setting aside £5.34 in Wednesday’s budget to buy and re-purpose the big red bus used in the EU ref campaign to spray the United Kingdom with a financial truth bomb and turn it into a mobile food bank.

LCD Views spoke to lead campaigner for this latest example of caring Conservatism to learn more about this initiative, even though it seems rather extravagant in a country with full employment.

“We aim to find the only hungry person in England and feed him,” Mr Johnson enthused, “once we’ve done that we will drive to Wales and repeat the miracle.”

It’s believed an entire new government ministry is to be established to administer the bus on its journey around the country at a minor cost of whatever it is we spend on Liam Fox’s vanity project currently.

It’s thought Mr Gove and Mr Davis are also competing to lead the automotive charge to fill the last hungry belly in the nation.

“After seven years of sound fiscal management everyone is filthy rich,” Mr Gove phoned our editor to assert, “the last hungry person is the fault of the last Labour government. They really did destroy life as we know it.Thank God we’re here.”

People will be encouraged to donate to the bus as a symbol of how united the country now is.

All donations can be made via increasing food costs and routed to high worth individuals via decreasing rates of corporation tax and other measures too boring to mention, then funnelled away to tax havens, where the food grows.

“We will be encouraging ordinary, hardworking, patriotic Britons to come out on the streets and wave the flag as the bus passes.”

It’s believed to get the full effect of being in the presence of the bus it is advised to stand really close to the exhaust and inhale.

“If you’re lucky, a little bit of the hot air and gas you inhale will once have belonged to Boris Johnson.”

Flags to wave can be purchased via an operation run out of Crimea. Get yours today!