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England to withdraw from the Six Nations after Ireland field a backstop

The Six Nations rugby tournament is about to happen. The England team has already threatened to withdraw, in order to play a World Series against itself. The reason given is Ireland’s decision to include a backstop in their squad.

“England’s decision is mystifying, so it is,” remarked Ireland’s publicity manager, Aiden Andabetting. “Including a backstop is a guarantee that we can still exchange passes and maintain our conversion rate. Unfortunately, playing a conventional full back was unacceptable to the English. They must have brain damage after all that headbanging.”

Naturally enough, the English see things differently. “We need Ireland to have a frictionless fullback that just lets us through to score shedloads of tries,” explained England team strategist Kolley Flowerear. “Any backstop must be temporary, in other words replaced whenever we are losing. If it doesn’t happen, we are taking our odd-shaped balls home.”

Flowerear warmed to his theme. “Once we have exited, gloriously, from the Six Nations, we will be free to strike up our own fixtures,” he said. “We are already negotiating to form a prestigious tournament with new rugby partners, such as Antarctica, Greenland, and Easter Island.”

There are rumours of discontent within the England ranks. Some players want to withdraw now, some later, and others not at all. Management is weak, and the bizarre inclusion of prop forward Boris “The Destroyer” Johnson hasn’t helped. Johnson insists upon being the centre of attention, handling the ball constantly, and always stays close to the hooker.

Rugby analyst Lou Sedpropp gave an outsider’s view. “England is the laughing stock of world rugby,” he opined. “They are insisting on having nothing to do with their fellow Brits, or their neighbours in Europe. Nobody wants to play against them, and several players have quietly discovered Scottish or Irish descent and have applied for a burgundy passport.”

It doesn’t matter if you are left wing or right wing, inside centre or outside centre. This particular scrum is about to collapse under the weight of its own delusions.

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Arlene Foster asked to act as agent for Labour MPs offered bungs to vote with Tories

Steady hands to the pump within the ranks of Labour today with the fake news that DUP leader Arlene Foster is rumoured to have been asked to act as the agent for Labour MPs offered bungs to vote with the Tories.

”This sort of work takes someone who knows the ropes,” Potentially Any Labour MP in a constituency that voted Leave (but more likely the ones who keep voting with the government), due to dark money and data manipulation and lies and some of them, well, some racists voted Leave, but no one is allowed to say that. That’s part of the manipulation of public opinion to turn the U.K. into a tax haven.

”It’s pretty funny, some of the Labour MPs who keep saving Theresa May’s ass were heroes for being lifelong champions of the underprivileged, and here they are, so steeped in an ideology decades anachronistic they’re prepared to save one of the cruelest and most incompetent governments in British history, just in the hope of nationalising the production of slogans and scooters.”

The offering of a bung, in the form of cash or a peerage, has become standard practice for the government of Theresa May.

”That’s because she can’t win a political argument with truth and reason, so she appeals to people’s basest self interest.”

Quite.

It’s not certain at the time of going to print if the MP for Islington North will also be bunged, but it’s unlikely.

”That’s because his own actions confirm him as a diehard leaver.”

Like calling for Article 50 to be invoked on the 24th June 2016 and three line whipping his MPs to vote for it, before any preparation was done? Oh and being one of few MPs to vote for an IN/OUT EU ref back in 2011?

”Quite. Bin fires warming the hands of the middle classes don’t start themselves comrade.”

Well, money saved is money earned! So what argument will May use to sway Labour MPs over to vote with her for her Brexit deal, in the hope of counterbalancing out the Tory rebels?

”Your principals are shallower than my pocket. And the money I’ll bung you, after attacking the magic money tree, I should have spent in your constituency anyway, if I cared at all, which I don’t.”

Quite.

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Woman regrets slashing police numbers so hard now she wants to create a police state

LCD Views has had a peek again into the mind of a woman who features prominently in our reporting, by virtue of rumours that say she’s the British prime minister, to see what’s uppermost on her regret list today.

“Is it creating the hostile environment?” our errand boy asks, charmingly, while loading himself up with print copies of our paper.

No. It’s not. Now get back to work!

“Is it her appalling indecision when faced with the Grenfell tragedy?” our collage creator wants to know. So naive.

Not a chance.

“Is it letting Boris Johnson singlehandedly do more to destroy the credibility of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office than letting Eden decide to create a garden in Suez?” asks our office pot plant contractor (who know we had one?!).

Not on your nellie. Although that’s somewhere on the short list. Now dust that aspidistra.

“Is it punishing the poor for being poor?” our resident mountain climber shouts down from on high.

Don’t be ridiculous. Say something that plain ignorant again and you’re fired! Mind the ledge!

“What about deporting people irrespective of place of birth purely based on a skin colour chart?” our head editor enquires.

You need more coffee mate! That’s clearly not even on the list. Although it’s clearly now government policy. To our deep and enduring shame.

“Is it regretting slashing police numbers so hard now she wants to create a police state?” Orange Searchlight puts his hat into the ring.

We have a winner. And we didn’t even know he still worked (voluntarily, like everyone) here.

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Who wants to be a millionaire? May to pay voters £1m each to back her Brexit in a ‘People’s Vote’

LCD Views can report today on rumours flooding out of Downing Street that PM TM is preparing to hack the last of the magic money tree to the ground, then tear up and shred its roots, to secure support for her Brexit from rank and file voters.

“Who wants to be a millionaire?” Mr Scat Pants, aide to the PM, asked us during an unscheduled call to our radio station (we don’t have a radio station).

Wait, who is interviewing who?

“I don’t know, we didn’t plan to call you, we just suddenly found ourselves here doing it, just as you planned to do something else.”

We want to be a millionaire then, does that help?

“It will if you are prepared to back Theresa May when she puts her Brexit deal to the country later this year.”

Wait, does that mean she’s going to have to ask for an extension to Article 50 in order to hold a ‘People’s Vote’?

“Well, she’s a complete control freak, do you really think she’s going to lead (ha) the country into a no deal Brexit situation?”

She talks like she is.

“She says whatever she thinks will get her through another twenty four hours in office. Straight out of the old Cameron playbook. But a no deal Brexit is the most unmanageable situation to be in. A control freak will not willingly put themselves into that.”

So all we have to do is tick the box next to May’s deal when we go into the voting booth later this year? And we’ll instantly be a millionaire?

“Yes. A representative of the treasury will be on hand to cut you a cheque there and then. And what’s more, it’s completely equitable, even if you’re already a millionaire you’ll still get paid to vote for her deal.”

That’s caring Conservatism in action for you. What will I do with all that money?

“Well, the cheque will be redeemable for thirty extremely large pieces of silver. You’ll have to queue at the Bank of England for that.”

No problem. Then what?

“I’d suggest you buy a loaf of bread.”

And a speed boat!

“No. Just a loaf of bread.”

Why just a loaf of bread?

“Because by the time the Brexiters have finished with the pound, that’s all a million will get you. But you’ll still get to say you’re a millionaire, so there’s nothing at all to fear.”

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WTO no go it’s WHO rules UK

Global Britain woke with a start this morning at hearing an international tribunal has ordered the UK to begin trading under not WTO, but WHO rules.

“Who rules the UK? Really?” Doctor Fonzi Monee of the World Health Organisation wants to know, “until such a time as tests clarify where the virus riddling the UK body politic comes from, and how it spreads, then we have to take measures to contain the country.”

As part of the measures the entire country will be placed in a tend inside a secure, isolation room, normally used to contain highly infectious diseases such as Ebola and US style libertarianism.

“The sheer scale and size of the tent needed to cover an entire country, even one as relatively small land mass wise as the UK, is vastly expensive,” Doctor Monee says, “but it’s okay, the European Union is largely picking up the bill, partially out of concern for an irritating old friend in its imperial dotage, but also because the UK is paying for it by transfer of its manufacturing and services base to the EU.”

Further rules will apply during the period of confinement.

“No one will be allowed to physically touch the UK until it either dies or is cured,” Doctor Fonzi says, “although that’s actually measures already being brought into force by the prime minister and her cabinet out of a hope that showing hatred to foreigners will secure the support of a fraction of the electorate.”

But what can be done to cure the UK and allow it to interact normally once again?

The doctor shrugs.

“Physician heal thyself is now country heal thyself,” he advises, “hopefully some seriously strong alcohol and a lot of bed rest can eradicate yersini brexitus from the UK’s political bloodstream, but looking at the feckin’ idiots running both of the main UK political parties and how they keep smearing infected bodily fluids over each other, well, maybe symbolic, political amputation is the only cure.”

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Woman trapped on an island and surrounded by madmen negotiates Brexit again

Father Andrew was staring out of the window of the Brexit Island parochial house. He played idly with some toy animals on the sill.

“These sacred cows are small,” said Father Rupert patiently. He pointed out of the window. “But those are far away.” Father Andrew looked from one to the other, uncomprehendingly.

The phone rang. “Brexit Island parochial house!” said Father Rupert brightly. “Yes, yes, of course you can… No, of course it won’t be like last time… I told you, that money was just resting in my account… Yes, Father, we’ll see you soon!”

He replaced the receiver. “That was Father Michel from the mainland,” he announced. *Coming to pay us a little visit. Wants us to work with those eejits over there. But we don’t want them butting in, do we Fathers? Now, Father Andrew, you know what we want. And whatever you do, make sure Father Boris doesn’t wake up!”

“Drink! Girls! Feck! Business!” shouted Father Boris.

“Now I’m off to write ‘Down with this sort of thing’ on the front page of all my newspapers,” concluded Father Rupert. “Don’t agree to anything Father Michel says! Oh, hello Father Michel! Do sit down!”

Mrs May tottered in, and curtseyed like an arthritic giraffe. “Will you have a nice fresh Brexit negotiation?” she asked Father Michel. “Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“No, thank you,” he replied.

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!”

“Maybe just a little one…”

“No! It’s clear you don’t want one!” said Mrs May, turning away. “If you want to be intransigent, that’s ok with me.”

She returned to the kitchen, only to come back immediately.

“Will you have a nice cup of tea instead, then, Father?” asked Mrs May. “It’s Backstop Blend. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…”

“It looks a bit muddy…”

“It was ground yesterday!” exclaimed Mrs May, wounded. “I’m going to have to go to the kitchen and shoot myself now! Look what you’ve made me do!”

She left, and the sound of gunshot rang through the house.

Next week: Dominic Grieve and Yvette Cooper star in Kicking Bishop Brexit Up The Arse.

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May cast as a deranged and reclusive political agent in ‘X Files’ spin off

It seems now that now nearly all cabinet ministers in the current government have lined up lucrative non-exec board positions for the moment they quit politics after Brexit, one of the key characters in the UK’s political psycho-drama has a different plan up her sleeve.

LCD Views has the exclusive scoop on the unverified rumour that principal antagonist in the Brexit farce, prime minister Theresa May, has a plan to take her skills into the world of acting.

“She acted the part of a remainer with total conviction and believability in 2016,” casting agent Paul Hollywood told us over cake, “and then she was able to completely flip her motivations to play the role of a leaver with the conviction of the genuinely insane. She can take on her role as a reclusive and deranged political agent in ‘The Brex Files’ with ease.”

Key to the drama on the screen will be Agent Mayhem’s twin search.

”Her colleagues call her ‘Maybot’, because she’s actually an android struggling to become human, and failing. But her other obsession in the series is the search for a technological solution to the Irish Border, to replace the backstop agreed with the EU. Something only extraterrestrials currently have the capacity to produce.”

Other key players from recent British political history will also feature in the cast.

”Nigel Farage has been cast as a shadowy, chain smoking, trench coat wearing pain in the ass called ‘Fagash Throat’. He appears now and then to offer absolute bollocks as advice.”

Boris Johnson is rumoured to also have a part in the pilot episode?

”That’s right. He plays the role of a maniacal government man who ruins the entire civil framework and economy of a country attempting to build a bridge from SW1 to Riyadh. But agent Mayhem thinks he has a secret that can help her solve the border problem, so she pretty much let’s him do whatever ruinous crap he wants until he finally gives up and goes away.”

That one is straight art imitating life.

”Oh, I wouldn’t expect much art.”

What should we expect then?

”A lot of loose bowels and no answers.”

‘The Brex Files’ premieres at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 on all streaming services located near to a toilet.

Grab your popcorn and settle in, but you may also like to stockpile some medicines too.

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Queen orders House of Commons placed under ASBO

The House of Commons is an unusually quiet place today after Queen Elizabeth exercised her sovereignty over the elected chamber and issued an ASBO on all MPs, after reportedly “having had it up to the rafters with the lot of them”.

“The Queen, resplendent in a blue dress studded with golden stars, with matching hat, and slippers by Giveittome, issued the anti-social restraining order at a little before midnight last night, after reviewing that evening’s votes in the House of Commons on Tatler’s official twitter feed,” our royal features correspondent reports, before going on to opine,

“Her Majesty, who can draw a direct line back to King Alfred the Great, via some not so great monarchs, and some really rather decent ones, has ginormous palaces, so if she’s had something up to the rafters, well, that’s a lot of something.”

It’s reported the ability to slap an ASBO on the House of Commons is one of the few hereditary powers still vested in the crown and the Queen doesn’t issue them lightly. And normally only to Prince Phillip.

“The sheer girth and weight of the seal press used to affix the red wax to the parchment detailing the ASBO requires the help of several ladies in waiting, just to get it into the air,” our correspondent continues,

“from there the Queen issues the traditional call of ‘stand bally well back chaps!’ and releases the seal to land with a thud in the wax, affirming that Her Majesty is sick to the back teeth with you, whether those teeth are dentures or not, we can not say.”

The royal order will stay in place until such a time as the House of Commons takes “the opposable digit out of its posterior and moves to protect the food and medicine supplies of the British people, not to mention the economic livelihood of millions of my subjects, that the leaders of both the Conservatives and Labour seem to think are balls to juggle between them like a rancid pair of clueless jesters at a debauched feast put on by Henry VIII.”

As a side note, bookies are now taking bets on which MP will be the first to break the conditions of the ASBO, with the smart money being on David Davis getting hammered at the Commons bar and deciding it’s time to give an interview on how we just have to hold our nerve and the EU will collapse.

“That’s just nonsense,” our royal correspondent says, “as Davis is clearly going to be the first to collapse after challenging himself to a drinking contest. He’ll be up before the magistrates by the weekend, shabbily dressed in a suit that needs pressing, with a waft of too much aftershave, after busting the terms of the ASBO, if he’s not careful.”

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EU sets up recorded message to respond to British woman’s daily nuisance calls

LCD Views can wearily inform today that the European Union has set up a recorded message to respond to daily nuisance calls from a British woman.

The woman in question is believed to live in a taxpayer funded, local government property in central London. One of the last of its kind thanks to the ideology of sensible inner London social cleansing promoted by the caring Conservatives when they resumed their reign of terror over the land in 2010.

“She thinks she’s British prime minister,” a caller claiming to be Donald Tusk told us, speaking freely this morning, “which is frankly alarming. We know the woman in that symbolic position is just a front for an international clique of disaster capitalists. And her daily phone calls? I believe she needs help. This obsessive behaviour is not normal.”

But why does she call each and every day?

“Well first she claimed to be a disgruntled customer of the EU. Apparently she wasn’t aware when she purchased her membership of the continental wide club that she would be getting freedom of movement, reciprocal health care, strengthening data protection laws, gender and race equality initiatives, a focus on environmental protections and investment in the poorest areas of her country, neglected by central government.”

It sounds like she should have read the fine print.

“Yes. The part about her membership that she was particularly disgruntled by was the reciprocal nature of it all. She had to give the same things back to foreigners.”

A bitter pill to swallow.

“If you’re a xenophobic, small minded little Englander mentally marooned in a misremembered past, it certainly is.”

So she’s calling to demand a refund?

“Membership is only a few pence a day. Not even sofa change. We’ve told her she won’t be getting a refund, but she’s welcome to leave the club. It’s her choice. She has personal sovereignty, even if she doesn’t want other people to have it.”

So why does she keep calling?

“She didn’t read the fine print on the cancellation form.”

Oh no. Here we go again. What’s upset her with that?

“Measures taken to attempt to prevent a return to paramilitary violence on an island a few miles to the west of where she lives. It makes you wonder what goes on in her head and the heads of the people around her.”

It sure does. So what are you going to do about the nuisance calls?

“We’ve set up a recorded message to answer her now.”

In several languages?

“No. Only in English. Bugger all point of recording it in any other when no one else would be stupid enough to call this particular negotiating hotline.”

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Owls petition for new collective noun after seeing what’s happening in parliament

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl, 16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your House of Commons and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best we’re debating whether or not to risk becoming a fascist, stoopid state.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools? If they don’t takeover by October then, actually, then you’ve no bloody hope.”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of the capacity to not willingly force the U.K. into a position of food shortages and martial law.

And their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse hard since 2016.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think you’re acting like lemmings.”