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EU sets up recorded message to respond to British woman’s daily nuisance calls

LCD Views can wearily inform today that the European Union has set up a recorded message to respond to daily nuisance calls from a British woman.

The woman in question is believed to live in a taxpayer funded, local government property in central London. One of the last of its kind thanks to the ideology of sensible inner London social cleansing promoted by the caring Conservatives when they resumed their reign of terror over the land in 2010.

“She thinks she’s British prime minister,” a caller claiming to be Donald Tusk told us, speaking freely this morning, “which is frankly alarming. We know the woman in that symbolic position is just a front for an international clique of disaster capitalists. And her daily phone calls? I believe she needs help. This obsessive behaviour is not normal.”

But why does she call each and every day?

“Well first she claimed to be a disgruntled customer of the EU. Apparently she wasn’t aware when she purchased her membership of the continental wide club that she would be getting freedom of movement, reciprocal health care, strengthening data protection laws, gender and race equality initiatives, a focus on environmental protections and investment in the poorest areas of her country, neglected by central government.”

It sounds like she should have read the fine print.

“Yes. The part about her membership that she was particularly disgruntled by was the reciprocal nature of it all. She had to give the same things back to foreigners.”

A bitter pill to swallow.

“If you’re a xenophobic, small minded little Englander mentally marooned in a misremembered past, it certainly is.”

So she’s calling to demand a refund?

“Membership is only a few pence a day. Not even sofa change. We’ve told her she won’t be getting a refund, but she’s welcome to leave the club. It’s her choice. She has personal sovereignty, even if she doesn’t want other people to have it.”

So why does she keep calling?

“She didn’t read the fine print on the cancellation form.”

Oh no. Here we go again. What’s upset her with that?

“Measures taken to attempt to prevent a return to paramilitary violence on an island a few miles to the west of where she lives. It makes you wonder what goes on in her head and the heads of the people around her.”

It sure does. So what are you going to do about the nuisance calls?

“We’ve set up a recorded message to answer her now.”

In several languages?

“No. Only in English. Bugger all point of recording it in any other when no one else would be stupid enough to call this particular negotiating hotline.”

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Owls petition for new collective noun after seeing what’s happening in parliament

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl, 16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your House of Commons and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best we’re debating whether or not to risk becoming a fascist, stoopid state.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools? If they don’t takeover by October then, actually, then you’ve no bloody hope.”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of the capacity to not willingly force the U.K. into a position of food shortages and martial law.

And their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse hard since 2016.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think you’re acting like lemmings.”

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Leader of Global Britain says she changes her mind daily so you don’t have to

LCD Views has taken time out of our frenetic schedule this morning to spend a moment with the leader of Global Britain. We’re broadcasting our conversation live, so you don’t have to.

INT    10 DOWNING STREET – DUNGEON

We stand on a floor slick with something, bodily fluids? Mental discharge? The lighting is poor, just a few flickering incandescent bulbs, and we can’t tell what we’re standing in. But we’re certain we shouldn’t have worn our new trainers.

We can hear screams in distant corridors. Toilets flush constantly.

An aproned MEDIC, wearing a face mask, rushes into view. The MEDIC holds a giant syringe. The MEDIC skids to a halt and turns to face us.

MEDIC : “Two days wrong! I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works! It was the best butter!”

The MEDIC leaves.

A GHOST enters dragging a long chain. He looks uncannily like Philip Hammond. He doesn’t face us, he just keeps dragging that chain across the floor.

GHOST (ghostly) : There’s no money left. There’s no money left. There’s no money left.

The GHOST sinks into the floor and is gone.

We turn now in a circle. We see the walls. Strange bricks. We go closer. We push our fingertip against one. It’s a little squishy. The bricks look like hunks of gammon.

We turn back and see there’s a man facing us. An old fashioned BRICKLAYER. He’s carrying a HOD. It’s piled high with gammon bricks.

BRICKLAYER : Be a sport.

LCD Views : Excuse me?

BRICKLAYER : You’re about seeing the old Maybot?

LCD Views : We don’t really need to…

BRICKLAYER : They all say that what come down here. Ha! be a diamond and take her this hod.

The BRICKLAYER shoves the hod at us. We take it. We don’t have a choice.

LCD Views : Are these bricks made of gammon?

BRICKLAYER : You are trying to understand madness with logic. (pause) Hurry along now. Don’t keep the old go home van waiting!

LCD Views : How do I find her?

BRICKLAYER : Just follow the sound of the flushing toilets.

The BRICKLAYER leaves.

The sound of flushing toilets grows louder and louder.

We leave the room, carrying the gammon hod.

Down a corridor of mirrors. So many wrong turns. So many reflections of gammon bricks. Just so much gammon.

But a door opens. It’s light inside. We enter.

INT  THE OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER

THERESA MAY is very busy. She stands next to a wheelbarrow of cement. She holds a trowel. She’s busy fitting gammon bricks into the far wall. But each time she fits one, another falls out. They hit the floor with a wet smack.

In the corner a toilet constantly flushes.

CLOSE ON

A gap in the wall. See through it. On the other side are all the varied people of Europe.

THERESA MAY : Come out, damned spot! Out, I command you! One, two. OK, it’s time to do it now.

LCD Views : The bricklayer asked us to…

THERESA MAY turns to us. She looks a little manic.

THERESA MAY : Why should we be scared, when no one can lay the guilt upon us?

THERESA MAY takes the hod.

LCD Views : Ms May, why do you change your mind each and every day?

THERESA MAY pauses, gammon brick in one hand. Give it a little, loving squeeze.

THERESA MAY : I do it so my subjects do not have to. They’re not allowed to. So I do it so they don’t have to.

THERESA MAY turns back to her wall. She slaps down some cement and shoves in a gammon brick.

THERESA MAY : Go away, go away, go away.

We go, we go away. As another gammon brick hits the floor.

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Trident modernised as MOD replaces nuclear warheads with payloads of Brexit

LCD Views can report on exciting developments in the field of mutually assured destruction today after the Ministry of Defence announced it has replaced all nuclear payloads on the ageing missile system with something far more now.

“We’ve fitted them with warheads made out of Brexit,” Professor Mince, defence scientist at Cyberdine Systems (MOD contractors) told our Big Bangs! correspondent, “the Brexit payloads are still sourced largely from the US, as with our previous radioactive ones, but that’s just funding now. It’s routed through a series of shell accounts via the Isle of Mann. But don’t worry about all that. This is about promoting and defending our democracy.”

The Professor was also able to confirm that the development of the new missile system had the support of a former foe.

“Yes, the Kremlin helped with the design and implementation too. It really is an international exercise. If the tests of the Brexit warheads prove successful in the field than the yanks will be ditching nuclear payloads too and replacing them with members of the Trump family.”

While Brexit is now the destructive component of choice, the boffins in the missile lab did test a range of alternatives.

“Mostly components of Brexit,” the professor said, “we tried David Davis warheads, but although hard enough to bust a bunker through sheer force of bluster, they always quit halfway through the flight to target. So too the Raab ones. Pretty useless. Rees-mogg payloads just kept getting lost and trying to go via Dublin, which was puzzling. Tim Martin ones wouldn’t get off the launch pad, they just fizzed, spinning in lazy circles spraying out noxious odours. Don’t get me started on the Dorries ones.”

And the best thing about the change?

“Trident now has the full support of the Labour party leadership,” the professor smiled, “because they’ll back anything to do with Brexit, a weapon that ends freedom of movement once and for all. What’s not to like about it for a socialist?”

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Seaborne Ferries land lucrative government contract to import edible ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts from North Korea

The offices of Seaborne Ferries (they don’t seem to have an office, they just have lots of taxpayer cash) were cock-a-hoop today with the announcement that they will be handed an additional £14m of taxpayer’s money to import a new range of edible clothing from the sweatshops of North Korea.

This is an additional measure by the Department of Transport as transport tzar Chris Grayling does his bit to prepare the UK for Brexit.

“It’s genius really,” Mr Takit Enran, VP of Cross-purposes at Seaborne, told us, “I mean, all those years little Kim Jong-un grew up watching the peasants starving, he must have known there was a light bulb moment out there somewhere. He and Grayling are soul brothers. I’m sure of it.”

And there was a light bulb moment waiting.

Reportedly, after watching a starving family strip the last leaves off the last tree in their yard, in their five minute break from singing about how wonderful life is in North Korea now that Donald Trump is Kim’s bitch, Kim felt inspiration strike, when he saw them tearing up strips of their shirt and stirring it into the pot.

“Imagine the scene, mid-winter, halfway up a mountain on a government controlled slogan farm, somewhere in Berkshire, the snow is piled up, your family is hungry, but you’ve greedily woofed down the last bowl of proper British noodles, delivered by some terrified cadets a week ago. What next to eat? Well, your clothes are made of cotton and cotton is a plant and plants are edible…”

Now Brits can benefit from Global Britain’s trade negotiating might, even before we’ve left the struggling corner shop of the EU.

“There’s a range of flavours to choose from. Ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts. Mushroom flavoured socks. Woollen hats that are made from actual lamb residue. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone makes their fortune out of this contract.”

So rest assured, as we move forward onto the sunlight uplands, you will have a choice previously only reserved for citizens of a totalitarian state which sees your suffering serving a higher purpose.

“Do I die of exposure or starvation?” Mr Enran asks, “exposure is faster, but…Calais to Dover is jammed…I better eat the shirt off my back before someone else does!”

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Medical mystery as doctors try to work out if patient is in coma or should be placed in one

LCD Views can report on a long running medical mystery that has the U.K.’s best doctors stumped.

”We can’t work out if patient is in coma or should be placed in one?” Doctor Doctor, consulting neuro-recto-cranio-ologist at Girls Hospital (twin to Guys), Westminster admits,

“we’ve run so many tests. CRG’s, MOT’s, BBC’s (that was especially useless), MRI’s (frightening, but not illuminating), EEG’s and old fashioned hit you with x-rays X-rays and we’re none the wiser.”

The frank admission comes not from anyone called frank, but the medics overseeing the case.

”The symptoms are worsening by the hour. The monitor that beeps steadily in healthy, functioning representative democracies is now just a solid beeeeeeeep. The blood tests are showing yellow vests attacking the white blood cells, normally a sign of Bannonitis. It appears the patient is in a self induced coma already. And that’s the problem.”

Because you can’t put someone into a coma who’s put themselves willingly into one?

”Quite. Double down on a coma with a coma and you’re likely to end up with a fascist state dismantling itself from within at a speed that would do Ebola proud. With just as many messy bodily fluids being sprayed all over.”

So what will you do now?

”We’re running a new battery of tests tomorrow. Cooper test. Grieve probe. We’ll see what the results of those are and decide where to go with treatment after that.”

What if they return negative or inconclusive results too?

”Then I’m buying several large bags of rice, some spam, dried fruit, several cases of Boudreaux and legging it to a barn in the Scottish highlands. And I’d recommend you do that too.”

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Daily Mail moves to France to create fury over swarms of British Brexit immigrants

LCD Views can report on a scoop from the tabloid dinosaur world today with the revelation that the Daily Mail is to move to France in preparation for Brexit.

”They spy the lucrative commercial opportunity of whipping Eurosceptic French citizens into a lather over a wave of English economic migrants,” our tabloid specialist reports, “there’s gutters to rake in France and they’re off to rake, dredge and snipe from them.”

It’s believed the editorial policy will be classic Dacre, with little of the recent burst of, well, occasionally not quite insane, once or twice. but mostly still mental trash, line taken in England in the post Paul era.

”They’re going to promote anti-vax theories heavily, to build on their work in this field in England in the early 2010’s. They’ll compare every warning on anything to the unnecessary fuss about the Millennium Bug, they’ll run a campaign to get the Chunnel turned into a mushroom farm too, but otherwise it’ll be wall to wall outrage over British economic migrants coming to steal French jobs from French taxpayers.”

They could go hard over health tourism of benefit scrounging English too!

”Oh, they’ll be plenty of that. Alongside pointing out that once the failing EU superstate is defeated by the international conspiracy of Russian kleptomaniacs and sociopathic, feudalist US billionaires, how much freer everyone will be.”

Free to warm their hands around bins on fire in the street? While looking at the murals of Theresa May on every street?

”Shhh. You’ll ruin the surprise.”

So. I presume they’ll be launching a French language version of their news website too?

”They already have! It focuses daily on how the English saved the French all on our own in WW2. It doesn’t report on anything else.”

And how much will the French Daily Mail cost?

”Just thirty pieces of silver, each and every day. Exactly the same as the English version.”

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Theresa May tells the Queen that all the common ground has been fracked

The Queen’s plea for The People to find common ground has been countered by Theresa May. There is no longer any common ground, she says, since fracking commenced.

Number Ten spin doctor Tori Trayter gave the official announcement to a hand-picked audience of Daily Express ‘journalists’.

“We have informed Her Majesty that all common ground has been repurposed as fracking sites,” she declared. “In addition, she has been reminded to keep her privileged, wrinkly nose out of politics, since her ancestors devolved power to the Conservative Party several hundred years ago.”

Surely, ventured one rebellious character, common ground refers to a meeting of minds?

“Nonsense!” bellowed Trayter. “Common means common. Common ground is for common people, and the common people have no business except to do and think what we tell them to. And, never forget, your job is to help make it happen.”

The journalist attempted to speak again, but Trayter cut him short.

“Common means communism!” she shrieked. “If you carry on like this, a fate worse than death awaits you – writing for The Guardian!”

LCD Views, wishing to discover the other side of the story, sent their Royalties correspondent to Sandringham. The correspondent bumped into an old lady called Liz, who was out walking some corgis.

“One is frankly disgusted,” said Liz. “One is considering whether to withdraw the Royal Assent as a protest. If one’s subjects refuse to respond to what one says, what’s the point in being the monarch? One yearns for the simpler times, when one could behead the jumped-up little squits. One wishes that one’s subjects would fall into line the moment one said, ‘Who’s Queen?’”

She sighed, and adjusted her EU-blue hat.

“What is more,” she continued, “One’s Prime Minister has informed one that prospecting for oil will commence immediately on one’s front lawn. That woman has no manners. Even that ghastly Thatcher woman had a modicum of respect. Now one must continue to exercise one’s corgis, because if one doesn’t, Boris here will spend all evening humping one’s leg while one is trying to watch Tipping Point.”

Fracked Britain, fractured Britain. It’s a fracking disgrace.

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Bonfire of the Insanities – Downing Street orders all U.K. cash incinerated on the Thames

Global Britain is set to put on a display worthy of its current direction of travel this week after Downing Street ordered every last pound in the country’s coffers assembled on barges in front of the Palace of Westminster and incinerated as part of preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

“We’ve called it ‘Operation Bonfire of the Insanities’. Once the barge is all bobbing up and down on the Thames we’re going to set fire to it,” aide to human cash incinerator Theresa May told LCD Views, “it’s basically the only policy the cabinet can agree on. And most importantly, it has cross bench support.”

The display is intended to show EU27 countries, and the broader international community, what Global Britain is all about.

“Burn it, burn it! It’s going to be quite the display,” the aide adds, “and while the main purpose is symbolic, it has the added benefit of speeding up the Brexit process. We don’t expect that process to be complete until the country is completely potless.”

But who is going to light the match?

“Well, that’s the only sticking point, so many MPs are so keen to do it, there’s probably going to have to be a hat out of which the lucky name is called.”

This doesn’t sound fair, as it’s a collective responsibility to burn all the cash in the country?

“That’s so sweet,” the aide shakes their head affectionately, “there’s no such thing as collective responsibility currently in UK governance. I expect many MPs will use the distraction of the great fire of blunden to quietly slip away into the shadows.”

And where will the prime minister be as all the money in the UK burns on a Thames barge?

“She’ll be on a tug boat alongside the barge shovelling more money into the fire as it arrives at the exchequer,” the aide said, “oh, and I would guess also any files detailing crimes of Conservative Party MPs.”

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Fill the swamp! MPs to debate how much electoral crime is needed to equal ‘will of the people’

LCD Views can report on a great leap forwards for normalising electoral crime in the UK today with the tabling of a cross party amendment relating to what lives and breathes in Brexit.

The amendment, nicknamed ‘Fill the Swamp’, has been tabled jointly by Brexit supporting Tory and Labour MPs, who are gaily going about their taxpayer funded business day in and day out, while ignoring massive amounts of electoral crime.

“It’s vital that we clarify this point so political parties, and pressure groups funded by dark money from overseas, know what the goal posts are for any future moment when the British people maybe asked to vote,” Mr Fool Rorty, MP for Blinkers-on-Bonkers, told us,

“my amendment, which has backing on both sides of the house, will clarify just how much electoral crime is needed to equal ‘will of the people’?”

It’s expected speaker John Bercow will choose the amendment for debate today, after the MPs supporting it surrounded his house on all sides with catapults.

“It’s easy enough to find dead cows to fire at houses if you bother to spend a little time with a shotgun in the countryside,” Mr Rorty told us, “I can’t see any reason why the amendment, which aims to crystallise what amounts to representative democracy in a modern United Kingdom, won’t be chosen for debate.”

But even if Bercow concedes to the threat of aerial bovine attack, ‘Fill the Swamp’ is facing opposition from certain members of the ERG.

“They’re not happy with the detail,” Mr Rorty shrugs, “but when do they ever do detail? Why the hell do the BBC often announce their full name as if it has any validity at all? What evidence of them doing any research, except for how to stage a far right coup, has anyone ever seen?”

Fair questions. But what’s their issue with fill the swamp?

“Oh, they say they can’t support it unless it includes an amnesty for any elected member of the house and their backers who may, just may, be found to be implicated in electoral crime now, or in the future, once the public inquiries into what the hell happened between 2016 to now have begun.”