Nigel Farage hospitalised after accidentally drinking foreign beer

The once and future king of UKIP, Nigel Farage, has been rushed to hospital with a mystery complaint. This follows an incident where he ingested non-British beer by mistake.

The story begins with Farage and a few UKIP mates travelling to Cornwall to sample the local ales. Their destination was Blunt’s Brewery. This once small concern, following the massive commercial success of its flagship brew, has grown to an enormous size. Locals now refer to the company as Truro Euro Brew.

The party arrived expecting, well, a party, but instead chairman Dragona Blunt thought they wanted the brewery tour. After some confusion, Nigel managed to convince her that they had actually come to get sozzled. “I have an idea, we can sort this out,” she told them.

In the Sampling Room, head brewer Benny Fitt Kutz and his team were taste testing a new beer designed for the German market. There was a knock on the door, and Dragona put her head around it. “Excuse me Benny, may these gentlemen join you?” she asked.

“Off course, off course, come in!” said Herr Kutz. He indicated the bottles of beer with an expansive gesture. “Tsis is my latest bier, it Schadenfreude called iss. Bitte!”

“Danke Schön, but I think it’s actually lager!” quipped Nigel.

He took a deep drink of beer, and another, but then suddenly collapsed, frothing at the mouth, his limbs jerking convulsively. An ambulance was called to rush Nigel to Truro PFI Hospital. The remainder of his disappointed party made their way sadly back to the minibus.

The latest news is that Farage has had his stomach pumped, and has also had a beer transfusion. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Your correspondent undertook a rigorous testing of the offending beer. It was delicious and caused no ill effects other than mild intoxication.

The moral of the story is that Nigel Farage is incapable of organising…

Westminster MPs to be replaced by curtains as they’re only window dressing now anyway, public to save millions

LCD Views can report from a state of near rapture today that the mysterious Brexit dividend has been identified as finding out just how many useful, and useless, idiots were elected to Parliament on June 8th 2017.

”Three hundred and nineteen at last count,” an aide to soon to be ousted speaker, John Bercow told us, “they just had another of those vote things. You know, when MPs pretend they still matter, but really they’re just there for appearance sake.”

Apparently the number isn’t static though and changes day by day.

”It depends on which way Labour think the wind is blowing any given day,” the aide continued, “that banner held up by the kids freaked Jezz out a little, so they decided to come out strong today, bargaining the so called Tory rebels would fold like deckchairs again. It was a good gamble. Not exactly a long shot, but it paid off if you look at their activists on Twitter.”

But why do the Tories keep folding like deck chairs on the Titanic?

”All mouth and no trousers,” the aide said, “they want to get down on record they were paying close attention as their government crashed the country hard into the wall of reality. About as close attention as they were paying when the hostile environment policies were passed under their noses.”

We’ve heard too the Tory whips have a phrase that is as powerful as kryptonite against most Tory MPs playing superman?

”Yes. Jeremy Corbyn will be prime minister. Scares their pants brown.”

So what’s to happen to parliament now the MPs have voted to make themselves almost pointless? Based on the assumption the government will replace Bercow with a pliant ERG Borg psycho as whip before year end?

“The public is set to save millions. It’s a real Brexit dividend. Westminster MPs are to be replaced by curtains, as they’re only window dressing now anyway.”

UK Prosthetics industry welcomes Brexit dividend

UK manufacturers of prosthetic limbs are looking forward to a “seismic leap” in demand thanks to the “Brexit Dividend” promised by prime minister Theresa May.

Speaking to LCD Views, industry spokesman Jake Dapeg explained that for manufacturers of wooden legs, running blades and robotic legs the much vaunted “Brexit Dividend” will come in the form of the inevitable devastating economic crash.

“Seventeen plus million people who voted to leave the EU are going to realise they’ve metaphorically shot themselves in the foot and will follow through with a similar act of “actual” self mutilation,” he sniggered pointing out that many of those who voted most fervently to leave Europe, have never even set foot on the continent.

The British prosthetics industry, he said is already gearing itself up to cope with the anticipated unprecedented demand for replacement feet and lower legs.

“We’re just hoping that there’s enough cash left in the NHS biscuit barrel, to “foot the bill”, and that health minister Jeremy Hunt, won’t be “wrong footed”, and doesn’t “open his mouth and put his foot in it”, as he usually does,” he punned shamelessly.

Opening the UK’s borders to the free deployment of podiatry puns is probably one of the least expected “dividends” of the UK’s decision to leave the European Union, admitted Dapeg, pointing out that given the apparent complete lack of thought given to the entire process it is perhaps not surprising.

“Let’s face it both May and Johnson started out as “remainers” and switched to become “leavers” only when they saw which way the fetid, sulphurous wind emanating from Arron Banks behind, was blowing,” he added, warning that both had better be careful to make sure they hadn’t mistakenly planted “one foot in the grave”.

“After all there’s only one possible victor in this fight and only one possible response to the suggestion that the UK leaves the EU without a deal and declines to keep a “foot in the door” of Europe, and that’s “IN THE NAME OF SANITY!”, he implored rolling his eyes.

Costs of day to day living expected to mushroom in 2019

LCD Views can report today that the costs of day to day living are expected to mushroom in 2019.

“It’s going to be a boon for dairy farmers,” Michael Gove MP, minister for pretending to care about DEFRA, told us, “and cereal manufacturers. The chaps with the tractors? Amazing business. Just exploding. No end in sight.”

Don’t look directly at the light on the profit and loss account?

“Shades. Dark shades,” Mr Gove nodded, before licking his reptilian lips and attempting whatever the hell it is he calls a smile.

So the growing fear in the population of armageddon is exaggerated?

“Let me be very clear,” Mr Gove replied, “I want to be entirely frank about this.”

He paused for emphasis.

“There maybe bumps in the road as Global Britain strides into the future, hand in hand with Trump’s America, but so long as we align ourselves with the biggest bully on the block, I’m sure myself and my friends will get richer. My advice to you and your readers is to get into companies manufacturing chain link fencing now. Oh, and geiger counters.”

But that won’t be a reassurance to ordinary day to day people, who can’t afford to invest in chain link fencing manufacturers, as they see the value of their home plummet and the cost of bread, milk and other staples explode?

“You’re looking at this the wrong way around,” Mr Gove chided, “right now home ownership is out of reach for many younger people. This is something myself, and my colleagues in government are deeply, deeply concerned about.”

Well that’s a relief.

“It’s more than that. It’s a policy. I am not in the business of uttering meaningless soundbites.”

Is there any detail to the policy?

“Clearly all young people can afford a loaf of bread, or a pint of milk.”

Yes?

“So once the Brexit/Peak Trump 2019 inflation cloud mushrooms to make the cost of a pint of milk the same as your average exploding, depreciating house price, everyone will be a winner.”

May planning run through a cannabis field with a flamethrower after trying it for the first time

Theresa May is said to be intent on torching the shit out of the next field of cannabis discovered in southern England after she finally scored some head, while out on a meet and greet in south London, and then accidentally got off her box.

“No one knew she even smoked,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “she does spray an awesome amount of air freshener about after she goes to the loo. We always figured it was her IBS, which is a result of spending too much time with IDS. But it seems she was rolling up tobacco. She’s a roll your own type.”

No one is quite sure what motivated the prime minister to mix some of that sticky head into her old shag, but the result is a transformation that the entire country will presumably benefit from.

“She convened a meeting of COBRA,” the aide revealed, “and then immediately sent David Davis out to KFC to get her a bucket of hot wings, claiming she was famished mate. He came back. I think he’d nicked a couple. His lips looked greasy. Then she sent him back for a big tub of gravy. She was giggling like an idiot. He wasn’t very pleased. He said he had a Brexit white paper to roll up and torch.”

Keen observers are hoping the sudden relaxation of one of the most uptight people in the entire country will have positive benefits and lead to her chilling the hell out finally.

“I’m hoping it’s a gateway drug to MDMA,” the aide said, “man, can you imagine it? If she actually took some she might finally discover the door inside her mind that is barricaded and has never been opened, but so badly needs to be.”

What’s behind it?

“Empathy. At least we hope there’s some in there somewhere. In the mean time at least she’s demanding we play music now as she works.”

Boris Johnson’s Big Red Brexit Bus to takeover as host of BBC Question Time

Mass relief across England today after the announcement by BBC HQ that Boris Johnson’s £350M per week Big Red Brexit Bus is to takeover as the host of BBC QT after Dimbleby retires later this year.

”It’s a natural fit,” producer for the show, G Ammon of G and Ammon Productions told us, “we need to ensure the correct level of pro-Brexit bias after Dimbleby retires. What better than the bus what won it?”

It’s not entirely clear how the bus will function as host of the programme, but G Ammon has some ideas.

”We’re going to instal a modified AI to that which controls the prime minister,” he said, “so self driving and only capable of turning to the right.”

Additionally it’s understood the bus will signal audience members to speak by flashing its headlights at them.

”It can choose panelists to respond to questions by use of its indicators. And anyone going on too long can be given a blast of exhaust fumes to shut them up.”

But what about the weekly Tory plant? The ever reliable audience member there to ensure the government doesn’t lean too hard on the BBC?

”Oh, that’s not a problem. We can programme the bus to collect the Tory boy plant on the way to recording each week.”

And the rest of the audience?

”Yes. Enough room for plenty of gammon to ride along. We can round them all up.”

What about the token remainer who is likely to sneak through the audience screening process?

”They can get the train, like Dimbleby does. It’ll be an improvement, given thanks to Grayling and chums the trains are barely running now. By the time the Boris Bus takes over as BBCQT train services should be extinct on mainland U.K.”

Spaced out space cadet wants space force

Emperor Trumpetine has just announced his latest plan, to develop a new arm of his country’s military, a Space Force.

Speaking at a press conference, he stated that having not only a presence but dominance in space was “very important”.

The question was asked who this space force would be fighting against. Trumpetine replied straight away:

“Jedi. Evil Jedi. Bad guys who use mind control to get what they want. We can’t let these people continue. Obi-Wan Mueller is massing an army of Jedi to march against our glorious nation and take control of our minds. We can’t let that happen. We need a space force to stop him. Now. Very important we do that immedi-, uh, immedicin-, uh, right away.”

One reporter asked about the Cardassians’ occupation of neighbouring Bajor, Trumpetine replied:

“I know all about the Cardassians’ activities. I have spoken with their leader, Kim Cardassian, who tells me that their presence on Bajor is not oppressi-, uh, opposi-, uh, bad in any way. They just need a few things from that world and they’ve asked the Bajorans to provide them.”

Which doesn’t explain the concentration camps that Bajoran civilians are being sent to.

“There are no such places,” Trumpetine replied, firmly. “I don’t care what you have heard, what you have read, I have spoken to Kim, who has checked with their man on the spot, Gul Dukat, who assures him that his people are not causing any suffering to the Bajorans. Very good people, the Cardassians. They would never do such a thing. Any claims that they do can only come from Bajoran terrorist groups.”

Trump then held up a piece of paper. “This is a treaty I have signed with the Cardassians, promising the United States Space Regime will be there to put a stop to all terrorism in space.”

On hearing the name he had given to his space force, I could only wonder who had actually let it pass with those initials, but there were more important issues.

Trumpetine went on:

“The Bajorans are terrorists. The Jedi are terrorists, and there’s only one way to deal with all terrorists, exterminate them. Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate!”

As he left amid cheers from his own supporters, I rather suspected he stood in need of the services of a Doctor.

May to invite Trump to create orphans during visit to U.K. in exchange for a great free trade deal

Theresa May is to invite Donald Trump to create orphans during his July visit to the United Kingdom, in exchange for a great free trade deal.

“The children will be selected from border towns all over the UK,” a spokesman for the prime minister’s office told LCD Views, “we’re drawing up a list of remoaning families now, you know, traitors, saboteurs, people opposed to the people. The wrong sort. Those families.”

The orphans won’t be strictly orphans as the children will merely be separated from their parents in a special ceremony on the Irish Border.

“We know we’re fudging the words a bit, but so long as parents have no idea where their children have gone, it will be sufficient. Oh, and the children have no idea where their parents are.”

It’s believed not only will the ceremony appease and ingratiate the UK with POTUS, but it will also be good administrative practice for post Brexit UK, as it descends into chaos and horror.

“If we normalise the expectation of families being busted apart now, it’ll make it easier for people later,” the spokesman said, “once we have borders between England and Scotland, England and Wales, England and Northern Ireland and NI and Ireland, oh, and England and Cornwall, families will be broken up attempting to cross the borders all the time.”

Questioned over whether or not normalising such fascist horror is not actually long term thinking, the spokesman shrugged.

“We don’t do long term thinking anymore. We’re living in the 1930’s. What can possibly go wrong next by appeasing a narcissistic, autocratic, self aggrandising lunatic like Donald Trump and his agendas of dehumanising people based on ethnicity? We are happy to have him visit in July still and sprinkle some of his cruelty on us. We’re stamping him with Global Britain’s stamp of approval.”

MASS confusion as Labour tables amendment to EU Withdrawal Bill abolishing Lords

LCD Views can report a stunning blow against the elites today as Jeremy B.C. (Brexit Corbyn) confirmed he is to table an amendment when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons on Wednesday, to abolish Lords.

“This meaningful vote issue Lords keep bowling at the Commons is just not cricket,” he said, looking up from hoeing a patch of weeds out of his allotment, “see these daisies? You’ve got to get them when they’re young. No good cutting through the stem. Got to get under and get them right out of the soil before they grow or they’ll just spread banners contradicting the thoughts of the captain everywhere. I can’t play on a pitch with that sort of variation in its behaviour.”

Details of the bill are still scarce, as Labour hierarchy try and word it so it can be interpreted as aligning with everyone’s beliefs all at once, but in reality it’s just an exercise in wasting time, as the fielders will be in the same position at the end of the exercise.

“The elites are the only people who watch cricket,” B.C. went on, “think of the resources that could be used to better educate our children in the glory of padding up and defending for the whole innings of parliament? Let your opponents run themselves out.

Or better still, every time the bowler is about to release the ball, just abstain from facing it and walk off the pitch. Signal to the dressing room you need a drink or some tape for your middle finger. Whatever. Just run the clock down so every game ends in a draw.”

But sharp eyed critics have been quick to point out B.C. isn’t calling for a total abolition of Lords.

“There’s a clause in the bill, probably Starmer’s suggestion to ingratiate himself with B.C., that allows cricket to continue, but only so far as it pertains to gardening. You know, when the batsman wastes time pretending to tap down uneven patches with his bat, but more often than not it’s just another way of abstaining from facing the ball.”

There is no suggestion of demolishing the bastion of inequity that is Lords cricket ground though.

“Jeremy will have doors and a balcony fitted to the space age media centre,” a Labour insider said, “so at next year’s Jezzfest he can stand on the balcony and wave benevolently to the crowd that will be bused in to celebrate his divinity. Throw out jars of homemade jam. Carrots he grew by hand. That sort of thing. A food first Brexit. Lords is a great venue. When we’re holding our rallies inside it the stands will stop us witnessing the rioting the Tories created outside.”

We are not increasing taxes, we are introducing alt tax cuts, says PM

The woman clinging grimly to power by the skin of her teeth has outlined her plans for funding the NHS. The so-called “Brexit Dividend” is to be funded by tax cuts.

The stunning increase in revenue from cutting taxes is yet another paradox which soon becomes self-explanatory. These are Alt Tax Cuts.

“Brexit is vital to fund the NHS properly,” said the PM’s spokesman Toadie Lyne. “Once we recoup that £350m a week, or whatever figure is being bandied about this week by the traitors in our midst, everyone will be better off. A small contribution from the public may be needed, and Alt Tax Cuts will achieve this.”

“This is a tax increase by the back door!” thundered brave MP Ria Liszt. “The people will never agree to this. Vote for cuts, moan about the lack of funding, that’s the British way.”

“These are not tax increases, they are Alt Tax Cuts!” Lyne countered. “Leaving a massively lucrative trading bloc will enrich us all. The EU will be so desperate to have us back that they will fund our NHS for us. That’s what tomorrow’s Daily Mail will say, anyway.”

Latest figures suggest that each of us will be Alt Better Off to the tune of at least £1000 per household. Possibly even more.

It is at least now clear where the Magic Money Tree is. It’s in the pockets of each and every one of us taxpayers. Unfortunately, not even its most adventurous tendril has yet to reach the mythical treasure troves of the super rich.

Jeremy Corbyn is believed to have been wrong footed by this latest piece of government mendacity. Not knowing whether an Alt Tax Cut is a good thing or a bad thing, he is whipping up a frenzy of uncertainty. Meanwhile, Ria Liszt is said to be looking for another job.

Take Back Control. Alt. Delete.