Britons jealous Americans were able to shut down their government, even for just a few days

New research by polling giants. I C U Polling Giant, reveals that the majority of Britons are reportedly jealous that Americans were able to shut down their government.

“It’s like a dream,” head of Polling, Dr D Throat, told LCD Views,

“even though it was only for a couple of days. It shows the gulf in quality between Theresa May and Donald Trump.”

Although a temporary agreement appears to have been reached to restart government in the USA, it’s still had an impact on Britons.

“There was concern, amongst respondents to our survey, for the public employees who may have missed out on some earnings, but for most of our respondents it sounded like a mental health holiday.”

10 Downing Street is reportedly studying the findings, and how the shut down was achieved in the United States, to see about the feasibility of replicating it on this side of the pond.

“Although, to be fair, both the ruling Conservative Party, and the occasionally noisy, but largely irrelevant, official opposition at Westminster, could be said to be well on course to achieving the same outcome in major policy areas in the U.K.”

It’s felt they’re moving too slowly though.

“And they’re working together on the big one, on Brexit, so it’s hard to see how soon reality and fantasy can combine at Westminster, without the necessary pushback at the weakest points of the executive’s actions.”

Still, it has given hope to exhausted voters that there is perhaps a way to stop Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Theresa May and a host of other politicians making things worse for just a few days.

“Apparently Britons would even be prepared to pay them not to work,” Dr Throat added,

“a bit like paying a blackmailer to not hurt you anymore.”

Donald Trump declares that the Democrat Shutdown won’t stop him playing golf

The impasse over the American funding measure led to a bullish response from President Trump. He insisted that it was “business as usual”.

So confident was he, that he hastily put a suit on over his golfing outfit to pose on the Oval Office. “Everything is just fine,” he tweeted. “Just putting a few calls into some very good friends. The spoilsport Democrats will never stop me playing golf. Sad.”

A White House spokesman confirmed that the President’s attitude is that golf is not a matter of life and death, but was far more important than that.

Having got his priorities right, Trump toddled off to thrash Tiger Woods, leaving a trail of formal dress behind him.

Meanwhile, sports commentators are latching on to a whole new cliché. “Every sport, when there is a lull in proceedings, will describe this passage of play as a Democrat Shutdown,” explained cricket analyst Eaton Cakes. “Indeed, the MCC is considering its use as the new name of cricket.”

The worlds of rugby, snooker and Formula One are equally excited. Indeed, during a Grand Prix, the entire race in between the first and last laps will now be called a Democrat Shutdown, enabling fans to legitimately spend race day in the pub.

Meanwhile, the Shutdown has been resolved, at least for now. Since one effect of the Shutdown was to stop salary payments, the Democrats have relented sufficiently to allow them to be paid. Having made their point by exercising democracy, they now refuse to bear the responsibility that comes with it.

The Republicans made their way to the golf course to celebrate this victory. “Hitting a little white ball into a hole is a fitting metaphor for government,” said senator T. Off. ““It’s all about getting around quicker than the other chap.”

At least we now know what MAGA stands for. Make America Golf Again.

Middle aged Tories mocking millennials reminded that in 20 years time they’ll be using an app to turn off your life support

LCD Views has been chosen by the Institute for Elder Studies, a Washington based think tank, to remind middle aged people that,

”…in 20 years time, or less, the millennials they’re busy mocking will be using an app to decide whether or not to turn off your life support.

“We here at the IES do not believe middle aged, and older people, should be ripping the piss out of millennials too hard,” Professor Suez Crisis warms.

“It’s no surprise young people are obsessed with Snapconversation, Instaletter and other platforms newer than Facepamphlet.

We’ve given them climate change, Brexit, Trump, Cold War 2.0 “the reboot”, increasing automation of jobs, and with all the complete televised garbage we’ve been beaming out into the galaxy for decades, there’s an increasing degree of probability that aliens will just nuke us all from space, just to be sure.”

The likelihood of aliens destroying humanity to save them from another season of Celebrity Big Brother aside, the warning is a timely one.

“You might think that video sketch you’re sharing on Facepamphlet is just a light hearted giggle aimed at millennials, but,”

Here’s the but,

“So many of you have helicopter parented and validated your offspring to such a degree that the slightest personal criticism they receive, the event of hearing a solid ‘no’, will likely turn them into genicidal, euthanizing crazy people.

I’d cut the jokes, or at least add a fulsome apology for melting the ice caps along with the Snaptalk gag.”

On the plus side, it’s just as likely millennials won’t be using a app to turn off the life support systems of their parents and grandparents in the future, because they’ll all have become orgy crazed holograms existing only in cyberspace.

“We could get lucky,” Professor Suez shrugs, “there’s not one technological advance that hasn’t instantly been used for porn.

Silicone Valley might save us with holoporn before it allows furious millennials to kill us with euthan-appChat.”

“We’re not racists, but” to replace ‘Dieu et mon droit’ on United Kingdom’s coat of arms

A cross party amendment to the EU Withdrawal Bill slipped through by the House of Commons without anyone noticing last week, as we were all too distracted by Boris “Bungle” Johnson’s big Bungle bridge idea.

“We hold ourselves personally accountable,” LCD Views’ political editor wished to apologise.

“We focus our attention on the big hitters of British politics, and sometimes John McDonnell.”

We’d like to apologise.

“We will spend more time following the BBC’s lead from now on and just obsess about UKIP in order to get better ratings.”

It seems the amendment was put forward by Jacob Rees-mogg and seconded by Jeremy “We don’t care what the actual data says anymore either” Corbyn, in order to get the French out of our coat of arms.

“This will best prepare the United Kingdom for life as an isolated, ferocious, pioneering, global trading nation getting the shit owned out of us at the WTO by countries no one remembers ever having heard of,” Ms May, Prime Minister (allegedly), is to say later today.

It won’t be the only change to the famous coat of arms.

“We’re putting a lot more unicorns in,” parliament said this in unison, “both major parties want to jam it full with them,

“There’s a bit of disagreement over whether they should be blue or red, so we’re going for a mixture of both. We can see the personal profit on both sides of the political divide.”

Everyone will find it easier to remember the updated phrase too.

As it’s a proper INGLISH saying and not some forrin muck.

You’ll all be saying it over and over from 2019 whenever a forriner asks what the hell is happening to the United Kingdom, so may as well get practicing.

“We’re not racists, but,” say it again and again.

It’s what happens when you make UKIP’s raison d’être your sole reason for being.

Outside observers have commented though we would be better changing the famous motto to,

reductio ad absurdam…

David Davis made Minister for Loneliness since that’s what Brexit actually means

The new post of Minister of Loneliness has been given to Brexit supremo, David Davis. He will act as an ambassador for loneliness during and beyond Brexit.

Many names had been considered. All had their merits. For example, Justine Greening was considered after running away from the plum job of Education Secretary. Opposing the government is tantamount to opposing the country, and is a very lonely position. Unfortunately that also makes Greening a traitor, and rules her out of contention.

Another possible choice was Jacob Rees-Mogg. His oddball personality and isolationist attitude are ideal attributes. However the fact that he has a wife and six (at the last count) children counted against him. Moggy must be knee-deep in nannies right now.

A left-field candidate was Theresa May herself. Frequently pictured alone, or hovering on the fringes, simply being an introvert is not sufficient qualification. She is also too busy (nominally) running the country. It’s lonely at the top.

All of which brings us to Davis. The affable, chipmunk-cheeked chappie is at first glance an unlikely candidate. His current job, though, is to push as hard as he can (bless him) to negotiate Britain out of a favourable trade deal and a benevolent trading bloc. It is the political equivalent of volunteering to do extra maths homework while the other boys play football. The more successful Davis is, the more alone he, and we, will be.

There is a very real danger that Brexit will mean Great Britain being marginalised and ignored. This country has revealed itself to the world as self-righteous and infantile. In this man’s world, the UK is all mouth and no trousers.

Brexit policy has been dressed up in fancy language, but there’s nothing underneath. Fur coat and no knickers, like a cheap slut. The UK may have to prostitute itself to survive.

And there’s the rub. Brexit may well mean that the UK becomes the lonely man – or woman – of Europe.

Surgeons successfully remove Boris Johnson’s tongue from Donald Trump’s backside

Our heroic Foreign Secretary and Donald Trump wannabe has come through a major operation to extract his tongue from his hero’s backside. Early indications are that he will soon be back to normality.

The procedure was carried out under general anaesthetic at an undisclosed golf course in the USA. Rumours suggest that each of Donald Trump’s golf courses incorporates an integral medical facility. Their raison d’’être is to confirm the President’s excellent health and suitability for the job. More importantly, they ensure that he is well enough to complete 18 holes.

The crisis arose from Johnson’s recent violent attack of brown-nosing. Although rarely fatal, the condition can lead to unpleasant side-effects, such as finding that one’s tongue becomes lodged in another’s backside.

The surgeon who performed the delicate operation, Dr R. Slicker, spoke to LCD’s Medical Calamities correspondent. ““The procedure took much longer than is usual in such cases,”” he stated. “”Normally, copious amounts of alcohol are used instead of anaesthetic. Then a sharp blow to the head with the palm of one’s hand is generally sufficient for the tongue to break free.””

Dr Slicker was unable to say whether Mr Johnson would regain full use of his tongue, but warned that when he talked, to expect the aroma of bullshit.

““I have never seen such an advanced case,”” said the bewildered doctor. “”Mr Johnson’s tongue was so exceptionally deeply inserted that it had suffered from severe elongation. It will be a while before he can insert it back into his own cheek.””

Another relieved man was Mr Trump. His backside now clear of tongue, he lived up to his name, bigly. Never one to miss an opportunity, he tweeted: “”Please inform Kim Jong Un that I too have a nuclear Butt, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Butt works!””

Fortunately, Mr Johnson’s condition will not prevent him from correctly pronouncing words such as ‘fimblewimble’, ‘ostentameous,’ and ‘calamitrosity’.

Henry VIII refuses to say if he would chop Anne Boleyn’s head off a second time

In an exclusive interview with LCD Views, sovereign of an independent Great Britain, Henry VIII, has refused to say if he would chop Anne Boleyn’s head off, should she find herself on the chopping block again.

“We’d have to glue it back on again,” Henry chuckled, “and I’m not even sure I want to do that yet.”

Henry next went on to muse about recent goings on in parliament.

“I must say, it was a great wheeze getting the EU Withdrawal Bill through,” the monarch chortled, “all the absolute power I now have. Time limited of course. Much more fun than when I was just Prime Minister.”

As to the growing number of petitions his office is receiving regarding glueing Anne Boleyn’s head back onto her shoulders?

“Off means off.”

We asked our medical expert, Professor Cromwell, if it would legally possible to chop Anne’s head off twice?

“Look what they did with Oliver Cromwell after the restoration of the monarchy? Hung, drawn, quartered and shot out of a cannon. And he’d been dead for some time. Still very painful I expect.”

As he wasn’t much use we asked Sir Francis Drake.

“I’m just a duck called Sir Francis, why you asking me?”

As yet, there is no cross party support for re-executing Anne Boleyn, or even for gluing her head back onto her shoulders so it would be possible to chop it off again.

“It doesn’t really matter what the people think,” Henry added, “now the withdrawal bill is through I can do what I like. What’s your neck size, just out of curiosity?”

Boris Johnson to build ‘the A-nal’, a subterranean Atlantic tunnel

The Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, has announced he is to begin building ‘the A-nal’, a submarine tunnel to be built under the Atlantic and linking 10 Downing Street directly to Trump Towers.

“The special relationship can only get closer once we have a entered a deep and lengthy tunnel penetrating right to the heart of power.” Mr Johnson asserted,

“although, never having tunnelled in this direction before, we will have to go slowly at first. But I’m sure, once we get into the swing of it down there, we’ll be full steam ahead!”

The motivation for the idea appears to be the need to deepen the special relationship between the United Kingdom and Donald Trump ahead of the free trade agreement talks with the USA.

“Such a tunnel will be a bridge,” Boris affirmed, “and I’m certain our special American friend will bend over backwards and reach around as far as he needs to so we all enjoy the moment in unison.”

Critics have cited the sheer cost of the lubricants required to make it all the way under the Atlantic and out the other side.

“You can’t both tunnel at once,” marine engineer Prof Anne U. Sol asserted, “we’ll have to take it in turns. Do we have the time required? I doubt it.”

But Boris is unashamed and determined to,

“Get down and dirty and make the A-nal a symbol of the kind of future we can expect once we’ve left the EU and set ourselves free for new experiences globally.”

Donald Trump is yet to respond to the idea, so busy buggering the United States senseless, it’s not certain he’ll have time to get involved.

“It’s a fantastic idea,” a leading evangelical supporter of the president responded,

“just the sort of act I’ve been promoting in private for years.”

Boris Johnson clarifies he expects his bridge to be built inside the existing channel tunnel

Boris Johnson has picked the dead cat off the table, thrown down the other day to distract from Macron’s visit, and slapped it right back down again by saying,

“Of course, my um, ah, my proposed bridge of freedom would be constructed inside the existing channel tunnel.”

The reasoning behind this appears to be the assertion by the operators of the Eurostar that pulling the United Kingdom out of the customs union will put them in a position where they can no longer operate their service.

“Shipping. I suggest they go into passenger liners,” The Foreign Secretary shrugged off the concerns,

“this momentous change in the fortunes of our once great nation mean the Chunnel will be free to have my bridge, the Bungle, built inside.

Furthermore, it will be a garden bridge. I’m going to ask my chummy, chum, chum Joanna Lumley to back it!”

Construction on the Bungle, with skylights, is due to begin just as soon as,

“We’ve arranged a special exemption for all the EU 27 nationals we will need to help us construct it.”

The funding will come,

“Not only from the twenty seven, billion, million we will save by no longer paying contributions to the Pope Farage pension fund, but from the massive amounts of money we will make once we start imposing tariffs on John McDonnell’s idea of a single market relationship.”

But critics have accused the foreign secretary of attempting to distract not only from the fact he has still not arranged the release of Nazanin, but also the catastrophic mountain of nonsense both the Conservative and Labour Parties are creating for the country.

“Pifflefabble,” Johnson countered,

“working hand in hand with our Brexit colleagues, UKIP, Corbyn and McDonnell we will make the Bungle a shining, submarine example of what a Britain freed of the need for a cross channel train service can do.

The bridge inside the channel tunnel will render both tunnel and bridge useless, cost all of our wealth, which will go straight to tax havens, which is exactly what all our public policy is currently intended to do.”

First priest of the High Church of Brexit defrocked for failing to give sermon in CAPS LOCK!’??,!’

The High Church of Brexit, Britain’s new official religion, has registered its first martyr. The first priest of the Church has been defrocked because he gave a sermon without using either CAPS LOCK or excessive random punctuation.

The defrocking was carried out by the Head of the Church, the Irreverent Nigel Farage. The unfortunate priest was dragged in front of the Irrev Farage’s sacred barstool in the St George & Dragon pub in Kent. “WE DONT WONT CROSS DRESING NANSYS IN ARE CUNTRY?!!/,” read his defrocking speech. “THIS IS INGLAND,,,,,ARE INGLAND,,,IT SNOT RITE’!11$%”

The priest, who has not been named, has been made a sacrificial lamb to the cause. Parents are reminded to name their children, to prevent such an incident re-occurring.

The Church is gradually updating its Scriptures, so that the commandment “Thou shalt not murder” remains in place – for now. The defrocked priest has instead been made to run around the Garden Of England in just his Y-fronts, since no fig leaves were available.

In the course of the inquisition, it was also discovered that the nameless priest bought The Guardian, used French communion wine, and, worst of all, attempted to explain precisely what Brexit means.

He is to be cast out into outer darkness, where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. The precise location is unknown, but it is believed to be in post-industrial Lancashire.

The Church of Brexit will not tolerate love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. The response of the Irrev Farage demonstrated this. Hatred, fear, war, intolerance, unpleasantness, faithlessness, violence and knee-jerking will henceforth be known as the Fruits Of The Brexit.

Farage, his work done, procured another pint of Olde Random Bluster and continued in prayer and contemplation. Well, shouting at the football match on the large screen TV, while his subjects scrabbled in the bins outside for morsels of leftover food.

His Irreverence has issued a proclamation, to be read out in all branches and franchises of the Church of Brexit. It reads: YUO SHALL HATE UR NAYBUR,,,!? THAY SHUD GO BAK WERE THERE CUM FROM??!,!