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God forced to apologise after White House sinkhole misses target

We’ve all heard the term “Act of God” applied to freak accidents that nobody could have planned for, like a bolt of lightning most commonly. The latest incident to be described as such is the sinkhole near the White House, and in this instance it is literally true as the Almighty has claimed responsibility for it.
He made the following statement this morning to the assembled press:

“Yes, that sinkhole was my doing, I was aiming for Trump and missed. I’m sorry everyone, I’m a little out of practice with these things. I can’t get him with lightning because the little coward runs away and takes hiding at the first drop of rain, and I can’t just hurl a thunderbolt out of nowhere, it needs a bit of warming up. I’m sorry for any disruption that I caused, and for all the harm that I’ve failed to prevent. I do promise to try again but it might take a while to restore my full energy.”

This would not be the first time a divine force has attacked an American president.

“Yes I tried putting something in George W. Bush’s pretzel that time,” God went on, “but that didn’t work either. One dead mortal once told me I was having a mid-eternity crisis. I need to go on a refresher course, just to get my aim back. My omnipotence isn’t quite as omni- as it used to be. Remember what I did to Lot’s wife? Now that was an Act of God! I need to get like that again, and I’ll do it, you’ll see, or my name isn’t Nigel Jehovah Almighty.”
Nigel?

“Yes. Jehovah is my middle name, but it’s the name I use on all correspondence, you know, like Paul McCartney, his first name is James. And mine is Nigel but I don’t like using it, especially at the moment with that little rat Farage spewing bile everywhere. He’s on my list of targets too, just you wait.”

We will wait, with baited breath.

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Wetherspoons to relocate to late 1940’s ahead of Brexit

In news that most will greet with a shrug, Witheringspoon CEO Tim ‘blows hard’ Martin, has announced that his famous chain of boozers is to relocate to the late 1940’s.

The Witteringon boss has a reputation for out of the box thinking, so far out of the box the box becomes invisible, so it’s no surprise to see him taking a giant leap backwards.

“The 1940’s, particularly the late 1940’s, is a time that most typifies the kind of spirit required to make the most of Brexit,” Champagne Charlie, head of marketing at Woebetidecutlery (the firm that produces Martin’s famous propaganda beer mats told us), “you know, ability to forage in ruins for anything useful that you can sell for scrap to feed the kids that survived the calamity. Fear of foreign invasion lingering in every corner. Foreigners greeted with suspicion, because THAT’S HOW YOU GREET FOREIGNERS. So it’s a natural fit. Bit of blitz spirit is what we need. We survived the blitz, we can survive Brexit.”

You don’t hear people who didn’t survive the blitz saying that.

“So we’ll be moving the pub chain in its entirety back to the late 1940’s. See how you like that Brussels!”

But it’s not just fetishising a conflict no one pushing Brexit was alive to fight in that’s got Martin cock-a-hoop.

“We’ll also be opening pubs in the 1970’s. Especially the bit with the three day week. People had more time to spend down the pub then, a glorious era. And the year of the Queen’s coronation. Rule Britannia all the way to no foreign muck served in our pubs.”

A special line of Union Jack urinal cakes is being commissioned to celebrate the backwards leap to insularity. Customers are sure to greet those with a smile.

“We’ll print salutary messages on them too,” Charlie says, “like, remember more than six shakes is a wank. It’ll be a hoot!”

But we’re not sure Martin has really thought this one through, as with most things since he became a high priest of the Brexit death cult, as he’ll need to check out the tax rates before getting into the time machine.

“Nothing to worry about!” Champagne Charlie reassures, “the worker’s rights back then we have us celebrating with English sparkling wine all the time. But one more thing to be aware of, all customers are requested not to steal the Union Jack urinal cakes. Martin like to piss on them personally.”

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James Dyson confirms he sucks

All round loveable bear of the British countryside (he owns thousands of acres, but why?) and man who specialises in cleaning up on worker’s conditions and advantageous tax regimes, James Dyson, has spoken exclusively to someone tonight, who spoke to us.

“I can confirm I suck,” Mr Dyson, reportedly (we have no confirmation, other than his actions), told someone, “and my actions blow harder than my hand dryers.”

The reason for the bold statement is the way in which James Dyson, a hot air pusher for Brexit, has decided to act faced with the near fulfilment of a political exercise he has done so much to promote.

“Of course I’m getting out of dodge,” he said, apparently, “what sucker would be stuck in Brexit Britain? And besides, with the business friendly environment in Singapore, and the FTA between Singapore and the EU, I’ll do well to be positioned there to both use my massive wealth to seize opportunities in post Brexit fire sale Britain, and sell my totally hygienic, new fangled machines into the EU. That’s a market of a half a billion people. Not many people know that. But a canny businessman like me sure does.”

Other people have speculated that even though Dyson is getting his business out of soon to be broken Britain, not exactly an act of faith in the future, he has deeper personal motives for all his actions.

“These ego driven billionaires hate the EU because they can’t bully it,” Common Sense told us, “so they try and tear it down to satisfy their vainglorious view of their own omnipotence, while simultaneously, privately, using their wealth and connections to insure themselves against the calamity they’re trying to visit on the every day working man and woman.”

So we know who blows hot air about Brexit. We know who is getting out of town (all the Brexiters) and we damn sure to all hell know who the suckers are if Brexit actually happens…

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Seances for Brexit – government moves to ensure dead Brexiter’s voices get heard

Great news for living democracy today with the announcement that the Tory government is making moves to ensure that the relentless march of time, and corresponding mortality, doesn’t stop the voices of ardent, Daily Mail Reading Brexiters go unheard.

”Downing Street has ordered an entire new ministry be created,” Mr Tilnpot Teapot-Heating-Harrass MP (for Leether-on-Wings), told LCD Views pseudo science correspondent, “and I’m to run it, even if I die!”

The Ministry for Immortal Democracy will initially only have a modest budget of £350m per week, but there are plans to expand rapidly.

”I’ll stretch those taxpayer pounds to death,” the newly created Secretary for Death (he’s already nicknamed) told us, “what with half the aunts in my family being amateur spiritualists. I’ll get them all on the payroll for a good price. Performance related pay even, even if you’re no longer breathing you’ll still get paid!”

But while the move to create the ministry is just sensible governance, in the event of a second EU referendum, a so called People’s Vote on the actual state Brexit is in, the move hasn’t been without serious debate.

”Certain undemocratic forces within parliament are suggesting that not just Brexiters should be enfranchised beyond the grave, but remoaners who have passed over since the 23rd June 2016, but we haven’t been able to hear their voices since the referendum nearly three years ago, why should we hear them now?”

LCD Views would like to commend the government on moving to gerrymander the afterlife, for not only the imagination required, but the sensible use of public funds that may otherwise have gone to prevent the ranks of the dead voters swelling more slowly.

”We already zombies voting in the House of Commons!” the minister added, “now an overwhelming majority of the undead will be reassured they’ll be heard long after they’ve gone to the grave!”

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May the force be with you – College Green – Wednesday 16th and Thursday 17th January 2019

WED 16TH & THURSDAY 17TH JAN – Very late report! Was not there very much on THURSDAY as I spent most of the day in a Police station giving a statement about an incident involving a far-right disruptor, but cannot give details here at present.

However, Treuwaz seems to have covered THURSDAY sufficiently with Bob Geldof’s positive comment, and the only thing to add was that Dave had spent the day ‘trying to be normal’ so Simon and I commented that this was going to be an uphill struggle.

Also had long chat with a Police Officer from South East Asia about thermal underwear, which was most illuminating about how the police cuts have resulted in officers on the street freezing their arses off in the cold weather. Prepare for next week!

So much quieter on WEDNESDAY after a tumultuous day Tuesday. On the way to Old Palace Yard, we spied a lone Leaver with his Union Jack and I recognised him from the day before when he was shouting ‘traitors’ at us. He had positioned himself right in front of Churchill’s statue and I was tempted to talk to him (but resisted) to inform him of Churchill’s view of closer ties with Europe just after WW2 when peace and stability was so crucial for rebuilding Europe. Churchill was always attracted to the idea of a ‘United States of Europe’ which goes further than any current push for closer union. He was a staunch proponent of a united Europe.

He said about sovereignty:

‘We are prepared to consider and, if convinced, to accept the abrogation of national sovereignty, provided that we are satisfied with the conditions and the safeguards… national sovereignty is not inviolable, and it may be resolutely diminished for the sake of all men in all the lands finding their way home together.’

Yet, Brexiteers are still trying to claim that Churchill would have voted Leave. Go figure.

It was a very peaceful day with few of us and fewer Leavers with none in our sight and only a handful outside the House of Commons.

Several of them were holding ‘Go WTO’ placards and we discussed how much they really knew about the consequences of WTO rules on our economy?

There are many serious negative effects for the UK of trading on WTO terms alone. It is clear that this is a ‘third league’ approach to trade that does not cover any issues around non-tariff barriers and standards of goods.

According to an ex-head of WTO, the ‘first league’ is an internal market, the ‘second league’ is a free trade agreement, with WTO being the worst option as it has set tariffs with little representation or say by its constituent members.

Even if we lowered tariffs to zero, firstly we would have to extend that same level to all countries under WTO rules and secondly we would flood the country with cheap imports which would have a disastrous impact on areas of our trade, particularly farming and car manufacturing both of which would be devastated.

Moreover, over 26 countries currently in WTO have strongly objected to the UK trying to rollover of current EU trade deals and the quotas agreed through the EU. It is estimated that it will take decades before our trade recovers from this hit. So much for the unicorn ‘managed no-deal’ which should have died along with the Maybot’s Plan A.

Had a great discussion with a supporter from South Wales who knew a lot about the Rhondda Valley and about how Wales voted Leave overall, especially the more deprived areas.

I had worked in social work in this area in the 1980’s so I know the region well.

He felt that the tide has turned now and that more people would vote remain, especially as there has been much more work done to inform people of how much EU funding has gone into Welsh infrastructure and that Wales gets far more cash benefits from the EU than they put in. People had voted Leave as they felt that they were inexorably sinking into poverty, unfairly treated, being ignored and not being listened to.

I went down to the Green and saw that the Jesus ‘Repent’ man had decided that the most heinous sinners were the politicians being interviewed and he was shouting at them ‘Jesus loves you’ and ‘He will forgive you’, which is just as well as no-one else will.

We had a few oddballs going past today such as rather strange young man who approached talking into his phone and trying to engage in ‘a little bit controversial’ discussion.

He had obviously seen Goddard on some video and was basically aping him, but he came across as a rather manic Adrian Mole with his exaggerated hubris only to have his pretensions dashed.

This was followed by an older man who barely paused for breath and was delighted to find a captive audience and so we were treated to a kaleidoscopic view of history which was hard to make sense of what he was saying.

He covered the history of several European countries and ended his thesis by concluding that Europe always seeks a ‘despotic leader’ and was authoritarian – so look out for the new Charlemagne in the upcoming European elections!

We also had a more positive passer-by when a person who voted Leave told us that he is now a firm Remainer, as he had believed the negative propaganda about the EU, and had since found out a lot more about all the positive things that have been achieved in the UK through the EU.

He now bitterly regrets his decision in 2016 and we pointed him towards the ‘Remainer Now’ initiative. Hang on to these people, they are the gold of the next People’s Vote Campaign if we can better understand what changed their minds.

Another passer-by sparked a discussion about Jeremy Corbyn and how he has handled the whole sorry Brexit process. His ridiculous push for a General Election, which he would almost certainly lose, and his cynical fence-sitting which should give him plenty of splinters in rather sensitive areas.

We all agreed that Labour must come out unequivocally for a People’s Vote whatever happens and that Article 50 needs to be extended or revoked immediately – amendment soon please !

We had a long relaxed chat with the two lovely Police Liaison Officers that regularly patrol our area. We talked about free speech and legitimate protest which the Officer thought was fine unless people engage in blocking roads or abusive behaviour.

She recounted how, at Hyde Park, Speaker’s Corner had changed and that it was like dealing with a bunch of 5 year olds.

We could only agree with her and sympathise with their plight at having to constantly sort out disputes about who should stand in a particular part of the pavement.

I did make the point that their job was so important in protecting free speech and democracy. The thuggish behaviour of a few people, wishing to bully and harass, was a real threat to our democratic process in this country and it was only going to get worse soon unless clear boundaries are set through policing.

Public disorder is on the increase and it is being driven by far-right activists; politicians and police have to review how they respond to this challenge.

Great to have this dialogue with the Police and we are so lucky to generally have a decent bunch of people in the Force with very few going over to the Dark Side.

People being arrested on Tuesday was at least a step forward through more proactive policing though it is a fine line for the Police in terms of civil liberties.

We had our last conversation about how Leavers were hankering for the Great Britain of old, before it joined the EU.

Apart from the overt racism I mentioned in my last report, there were endless strikes in the 1970’s resulting in shortages and power cuts, the three-day working week, bins not being collected, we had the troubles in Northern Ireland, which had spilled over into the rest of Britain with frequent bombings and deaths.

We were called the ‘sick of man of Europe’ (a term that was originally used about the Ottoman Empire in 1916) and we had very poor economic performance compared to other European countries.

We have done extremely well out of EU membership which people seem to ignore.

As one supporter put it from something she has heard – ‘When you are on the edge of a cliff be careful about taking a step forward’ – which sums up well where we are at now with Parliament. Take care and may the Force be with you.

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Army on alert to guard the unheard of riches Brexit will instantly bring

LCD Views can report on the shape and texture of the lips of British Army chiefs today, after the mad robot inside 10 Downing Street placed them on alert to guard the unheard of riches Brexit will instantly bring.

“Pursed I’d say,” our military specialist reports, “terse too. Tense. Puckered. So dry licking them with a dry tongue in a dry mouth doesn’t do any good. Hissing sounds can be heard, presumably as the upper brass repress more colourful language in response to the orders coming down the line from 10 Downing Street.”

As to the Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, what direction is he giving the army to help prepare for civil disorder?

“He’s suggested arming the infantry with tarantulas trained to kill,” our correspondent informs, “he wants big spiders, big enough to leash and patrol the streets. You know, instead of german shepherds. He fancies it was the spider he kept on his desk that got him from chief whip to former fireplace salesman responsible for the defence of the realm. And not the black book full of Tory MP sexual peccadillos he inherited from the last chief whip.”

But there isn’t time to genetically modify and breed a giant species of tarantula, ahead of a No Deal Brexit, how can he expect them to follow his orders?

“Oh, I don’t think they follow his orders,” our specialist snorts, “that would just be silly. They nod and smile and then over lunch talk about the viability of a military coup, just to restore parliamentary sovereignty from an executive that is now clearly insane.”

That sounds more like what you’d expect them to say.

“Williamson has advised them to be ready to launch Trident against the Houses of Parliament too. Just in case the giant spiders don’t work. And he’s ordered military scientists to build an actual kettle big enough to place street protestors inside.”

Anything else?

“Yes, everyone last man soldier and cadet has to be ready to lay down someone else’s life to defend the unheard of riches Brexit will instantly bring.”

Unheard of is right.

“Invisible riches is more like it.”

“Gavin has also ordered them to find Aladdin and get his lamp. Once he holds that sort of power no mob of hungry civilians will be able to stand in his way from turning the entire country into one big open fire.”

It sounds like we’re in safe hands then, as the end of March barrels towards us.

“Safe as an offshore tax haven, once we free ourselves from the EU.”

Now that’s what it’s really all about. I wonder how the army feels about being ready to do their bit to bring that about?

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David Cameron offers himself out to governments wishing to launch coups against themselves

Former Prime Minister and reigning Twat of the Year David Cameron has spotted a business opportunity. The twat who fled to a shed instead of doing his job has offered his services to governments worldwide who seek drastic regime change.

The portly pompous pig fancier has issued his CV directly to leaders of prosperous, well-run countries across the globe.

LCD Views has had sight of the document. The most illuminating section is ‘Hobbies and Interests’. Among other items, Cameron includes Politics, Ruining the Country, and Erections in the Garden. Oddly enough, Shagging a Pig’s Head, Losing Children in the Supermarket, and Gambling the Country’s Future For A Bag Of Magic Beans fail to merit a mention.

Cameron has allegedly gained a lot of interest from a number of shady South American countries. He has many contacts in the rarefied world of rich upper class swindlers through his schooling at Eton. According to official estimates, about 75% of corrupt politicians went to Eton.

Our Dave has his mind on loftier concerns. No banana republic for him, he wants the bigger prize of a first-rate, wealthy country. Germany, for example.

His prospectus takes up the story. “David Cameron offers his unique services to national governments worldwide. If your electorate is too wealthy and settled, leaving fewer than the desired opportunities for entrepreneurial self-enrichment, Cameron provides the solution. To organise a coup against yourself, Cameron provides superficially competent leadership while fomenting unrest and division. A totally unnecessary period of austerity will cause dissatisfaction in the populace. Contacts in the prestigious sectors of data mining and propaganda will help to fan the flames. Finally, a referendum on the country’s future will be held, offering a lose-lose outcome. The currency will plummet, the economy will fail, and businesses will flee. Naturally, for well-placed individuals, this creates gilt-edged opportunities to purchase assets cheaply and to consolidate their wealth.”

A video has been released featuring Donald Tusk’s advice to Cameron on the subject. “Why does everybody hate me?” asks Cameron. “I told you not to hold a referendum,” says Tusk. “But you wouldn’t listen.”

Cameron’s fee is reputed to be in 7 figures. Failure doesn’t come cheap.

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Brick wall bored of being repeatedly attacked by woman’s forehead

LCD Views find itself in the unique, and indeed historical (hysterical…) position today of having spoken with a brick wall.

The wall contacted us earlier today after receiving information regarding British prime minister Theresa May’s soon to be immediately infamous Brexit deal Plan B (from outer space, it seems).

”I’m bit over it to be honest,” the wall said, speaking for an entire continent, “how many times is she going to bash her head against me? I’m not going to crack. Have you seen my size? Have you seen my girth, depth, width and the fastness of my mortar? Come on lady, give it a rest.”

But in spite of the wall’s solidity and imperviousness to the woman’s blows (with her forehead), it’s likely she’ll just keep running at the wall and launching attacks with her head.

”She’s painted herself into a right corner,” the wall observes, “and I’m forming it. To be frank, I’m over it. She’ll have to get over me, metaphorically, because there’s bugger all chance of her getting through me.”

While we understand why the woman in question may believe that just slamming her head into the wall maybe effective sooner or later, as the wall only contains twenty seven bricks, we would have thought she would have become so bruised and bloody by now as to stop.

”She’s probably damaged her temporal lobes and unable to control her temper and behaviour,” the wall suggests, “which let’s face it, if you had to spend years in conversation with packets of mince like Davis, Raab, Fox, JRM and the like, you’d be brain damaged too.”

And thus the wall showed a greater preparedness to attempt to understand the inner character of the woman than she has ever done about the wall, from the moment she faced it and on to today.

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Fox hunted as thieves break into the Houses of Parliament and STEAL BREXIT

It’s like putting a Fox in charge of the hen house, as the old saying goes. The Fox in question took his eyes off the prize for a second to discover that Brexit had been whipped away under his very snout.

Naturally, Fox cried wolf and went to ground before the hue and cry could catch up with him. Secretary of State for Extreme Twattiness, Jeremy C. Hunt, pronounced himself to be mystified. Fox hunted, Hunt foxed.

LCD Views managed to speak to Dr Fox’s spokesfox, Mr Basil Brush.

“Nobody knows where Mr Liam has gone,” twinkled Brush, foxily. “You know why, don’t you? He’s a crafty old fox, boom, boom!”

Surely the problem is not solely down to Dr Fox?

“Ah, but a leopard can’t change his spots,” remarked Brush, wolfishly. “Mr Liam has gone to the dogs. You might even say he’s gone dogging, boom, boom!”

Noting that Mr Brush’s jokes were even weaker than in his heyday, and that he has resorted to bluer material in a vain attempt to cling on to his audience, we moved on.

Chaos, not seen since the last time John Bercow put his foot down, reigned in the chamber. Brexit was nowhere to be seen, and minions were scuttling about in a futile attempt to locate it. Rumour has it that the Army has been put on standby to round up and rescue Brexit.

A large number of shifty looking individuals with EU flags around College Green was rounded up and charged with the theft. “Caught red-handed!” declared arresting officer PC Gonmad, although it later became clear that these people wanted nothing to do with Brexit and merely had cold hands. Instead, they were charged with embarrassing a police officer, subverting autocracy, and drinking foreign muck like Prosecco.

Brexit is still believed to be missing. However, nobody knows for sure, since Brexit is the Urban Spaceman, baby, of politics, it doesn’t exist; even though, de facto, it does.

Brexit is a hot potato. Let’s hope it has had its chips.

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Maypocalypto! Theresa May mulls dressing up as a whacked out Mayan priest as Brexit enters end times

The people of Great Britain and Northern Ireland are to learn today that the strong and stable government of Theresa May has now gone certifiably, batshit crazy, beyond any reasonable doubt. Something many already suspect.

“The more the British people, and their elected representatives in parliament, act in defiance of the high priestess of Brexit, the crazier the priestess will get now,” LCD Views ‘guano is a state of mind’ correspondent reports,

“The God of Brexit must be sated. Theresa May knows this. It’s the only thing that matters now, ensuring the world is forced to conform to her fantasy version of it. So if that means dressing up as a religious functionary from a doomed civilisation and dragging people to the sacrificial slab? She’ll do it.”

Disregard for human life is nothing new to the May administration. You only have to look at the Hostile Environment policies, the complete failure to react to Grenfell for day after day, the overall sociopathy of her immigration policies and Universal Credit.

“But now we’re to step it up a gear to mollify Brexit and beg it to deliver the sunlit uplands promised in the days before ‘adequate food’ and mass fridge purchasing were the go.”

It’s not clear where the temple to hold the rituals will be built, but early focus is on anywhere along the invisible border between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

”We just better pray there’s no solar eclipse due in the next year,” our analyst says, “because one of those will really be a trigger for all sorts of additional, costumed lunacy.”