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Jeremy Corbyn runs through a field of wheat to find out what power feels like

Comrade Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the opposition (in name only) has had another whiff of power. He has decided that the best way to experience the thrill of unshackled success is to copy his mentor, and run through a field of wheat.

This is not the first whiff of power Corbyn has had. When jostling for the middle class vote, he ran through a field of quinoa.

Corbyn’s biggest whiff of the afore-mentioned addictive substance came when he appeared at Glastonbury. In this occasion he ran, naked from the waist down, through a field of wigwams. The allegations are that he had a headache that day, and misguidedly purchased a couple of ‘aspirin’ from a pie-eyed hippy in a ramshackle yurt.

Each of these stunts has elevated his national leadership approval ratings. He is currently in third place in the polls, behind Theresa May and Don’t Know.

Momentum member Brian Washing tried to explain his position. “Momentum means Momentum,” he clarified. “Which means we just keep going on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and…”

More pertinently, Corbyn superfan Sikka Fantic defended his master’s choice. “Jeremy is a free spirit,” he waffled. “Why do you think he spends so much time gardening? You can excuse him for mistaking the opposition front bench for a nice comfy sofa for snoozing on. Jeremy has been dreaming of a wheatfield run since childhood!”

“…on, and on, and on, and on, and…” continued Washing.

The man himself was delighted with his rural odyssey. “I discovered that if you run around in circles, the press come and take hundreds of photographs!” said Corbyn happily. “Lots of good publicity and talk of alien landings. Hopefully the aliens will be Labour voters!”

Nobody is quite sure whether aliens would be eligible to vote in an election, or even a referendum. Meanwhile, the search for an old man’s marbles continues.

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David Cameron offers to lead government of national unity from his shed

Britain’s greatest living zygote, David Cameron (no longer an MP) has generously offered to lead a government of national unity to resolve what appears to be a minor national crisis.

”I can do it in my spare time,” Mr Cameron advised, “you know, when I’m not working on my memoirs. Which I’m not working on full time.”

The offer, from a statesman who arguably has had a greater impact on the course of modern British history than even George Galloway, is not one to be dismissed out of hand.

”I think tomorrow, you know, after I’ve finisjef buying some high grade skunk off a hoodie I got to know on a hugging spree,” Mr Cameron illuminated, “I’ll rock on down to my old pad and offer Theresa the chance to be the deputy of someone other than a Unionist. We will smoke a few bowls and look forward to just chillaxing our way through Brexit baby. Yeah.”

But critics have attacked the open handed gesture from Briton’s greatest living diarest.

”They’re just jealous of his book deal,” famous five survivor, and now scrap metal dealer, Timmy commented, “he’s like smashed it on the advance. Amaze balls. Pity he spunked it all on meth. Ha! Hey, is that fridge in your backyard to go?”

Bit critics notwithstanding, Mr Cameron’s big hearted offer also has the support of the Labour leader.

”Anything to keep me out of the job till after Lexit happens brother,” Mr Corbyn chuckled, “I mean comrade. It’ll give me time to get on with my plan to open The Jeremy Corbyn School of Political Strategy.”

We await with pork scratching bated breath to see if the screechingly terrified executive of Theresa May accepts the offer, but in the meantime we advise you to get high and tune out.

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People are begging the Conservatives not to complete the 10 year challenge – find out why!

A new craze is taking social media by storm. The 10 year challenge! For the challenge people who are worried about wrinkles keep worrying about wrinkles and attempt to ease their concerns by placing two photos of themselves side by side to see if people can guess which one was taken ten years ago, and which one was taken today and had a bucket load of filters applied.

And while this is harmless fun for individuals, whose friends will be too kind to tell them, it’s a bit bloody obvious which is which (not in all cases, some of you haven’t aged a day! and we don’t just mean in terms of emotional maturity!), it’s also a boon for trolls to be invited to comment on someone they don’t know physical appearance.

“It’s a land mine for political parties though,” our social media analyst, Mr Pamphlet Phace informs, “especially governing parties.”

The reason for the concern is?

“It’s essentially a massive exercise in self-harm for politicians in power,” our analyst continues, “I would advise the governing Conservative Party to under no circumstances complete the challenge.”

Well, they can’t, they weren’t in power in 2009.

“But they were all fresh faced, porcine loving and about to be. To anyone unable to deconstruct the message they were sending out, they looked a little inviting.”

What was the message?

“We will govern solely by a sense of entitlement gifted by high birth and an ideology that understands nothing of the holistic nature of a country.”

So you tell them to stop now?

“Well, they won’t be stopping while they’re ahead. Unless you’re talking about the weekly polls that pretty much always show them edging Corbyn ‘fencepost’ Labour. No, in terms of achievement and record, well, just putting an image from 2010 next to 2019 says it all.”

So you’re suggesting they do a nine year challenge?

“Why not? It’s been challenging enough already for the rest of us.”

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Woman who hasn’t listened to anyone for years now ready to not listen some more

Britain’s hard of hearing prime minister, Theresa May, has been on a late night Amazon Prime binge after inviting her political opponents around for conciliatory talks.

LCD Views’ online frenzies correspondent was leaked a copy of the digital receipt and provides the scoop of what she bought.

“Ear muffs. Ear plugs. Cotton wool. Blinkers. A big packet of baby wipes? Presumably for cleaning the wax off her fingertips after she removes them from her ears. It’s goes on like this. Oh, and lumber and tools to build a trap door. I can’t think what that’s for? But I’d recommend anyone stopping by for a chat doesn’t stand on a rug.”

Anything else?

“Imodium. Not the branded one. A cheaper knock off available from an online pharmacy. A truly epic amount. Probably a fatal dose if it’s all taken at once.”

Is the Imodium for her callers?

“I suspect it’s for the entire government.”

So what olive branch will she offer her opponents?

“I expect she’ll wait for them to offer her one and then tear it from their hands and beat them with it. Then she’ll put on her biggest power chain and give a press conference and present anything constructive as her own idea.”

Anything else to note?

“Polish. A lot of polish.”

She’s inviting representatives from another EU country around too? She really is trying.”

“No. Polish to shine up the anchor chain she wears around her neck.”

If you can’t blind them with science or baffle them with bullshit…

“Blind them with the light.”

So what will she tell anyone who stops by?

“I reckon she’ll open with, ‘On the 23rd June 2016, the British people decided…”

Sounds like she’s not the only one who’ll be needing the ear plugs.

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British prime minister Arlene Foster survives no confidence vote in Westminster

British prime minister Arlene Foster was popping the champagne corks and celebrating at 10 Downing Street tonight after she survived a vote of no confidence in the House of Commons.

“Ms Foster benefited from the fixed term parliament act really,” our Westminster watcher, Mrs S Cream, phoned in, “the act was brought into law because David Cameron and his chumocracy chum chums figured they’d need a maximum of five years to gut the Liberal Democrats politically and get us back to a two party system. It also benefits all the crooked and lying MPs who know that it’s unlikely they’ll be turfed out onto a gold plated pension before they’ve properly lined their nests.”

But that rant against the fixed term act aside, Ms Foster has shown just how smart she was to not only employ Theresa May as her deputy, but get Theresa May to pay her in excess of a billion pounds for the privilege.

“If Jeremy ‘fencepost’ Corbyn was not a Brexiter things may have turned out differently in the House of Commons this evening,” Ms S Cream notes, “as there is bugger all chance of any Conservative MPs acting to bring about the downfall of their own government just to watch a bunch of old commies pull off Lexit.”

Ms Foster was expected to have a terrible day, hot on the heels of her deputy’s total thrashing on the WA vote last night, but Mr Corbyn’s cunning, waiting a month to call the No Confidence vote, after Ms Foster was buoyed by winning a vote of confidence in her as prime minister, and now in her government, well, someone has a lot to be thankful for over the quality of opposition they face.”

After the fizz has been consumed and the celebrations died down Ms Foster is expected to get right back to work telling Ms May exactly what she has to do each day if she wants to cling onto her job for another twenty four hours.

“This is why British democracy is the envy of the world,” Ms S Cream adds, before going into a cupboard to scream.

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‘Go Home’ van seen parked outside 10 Downing Street

The occupants of 10 Downing Street awoke this morning to the alarming spectacle of an infamous ‘Go Home’ van parked outside 10 Downing Street.

“They were pretty sure it was put there out of spite by the guy living at 11 Downing Street,” an aide to the occupants of No 10 told LCD Views,

“but I don’t think so, he’s just covering his ass like the rest of the gutless wonders blinking in the headlights as the karma train pulls into town. Ready to dash to the safety of a non-exec board position as soon as the aforementioned karma train demolishes their administration.”

Quite how the main occupant of 10 Downing Street, someone whose every pre-planned utterance can impact the currency exchanges, is allowed to live there with an intimate acquaintance whose business is hedge funds, is anyone’s guess.

“That’ll be part of the post-Brexit public inquiries. You know, the great squeezing out of puss from the boil on the backside of the British body politic.”

But what is certain is that the ‘Go Home’ van is present outside No 10 because the architect of so many inhumane and vicious person hating policies has managed, through nothing more than her own delusions, pigheadedness and idiocy, to manufacture what is an increasingly hostile environment politically for herself.

And while who parked the van there is still not certain, unlike the ‘Go Home’ vans made famous by Theresa May, architect of the hostile environment policies that targeted people based on what their favourite food smelt like, this ‘Go Home’ van is justified and there to remove someone who to all appearances has gone completely insane.

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A Brief History of Crime – the Brexiverse explained

Brexiters are seething today, as usual, at the release of a book which applies some of the complex theories simply expressed in the masterpiece by the late, great Stephen Hawking to their own Brexit universe.

”We’ve has enough of experts!” Chief Brexiter Tricky Mickey raged, after hearing of the book’s timely release, hot on the heels of the overwhelming rejection of the government’s theory on what comprises a withdrawal agreement with the EU.

An excerpt of the work is included below, purely for marketing purposes (‘A Brief History of Crime’ r.r.p. £350M per week),

“Having inflated rapidly, driven by a heated mass of self importance and idiocy, the gravitational pull of the dark matter residing in the inflated universe of Global Britain, from seconds after the moment of creation, or the Big Bang on 23/06/16, now drags the Brexiverse back in on itself, contracting unstoppably to the Big Crunch.

The dark matter itself is the residue of crime, racism, xenophobia and idiocy that was present in the infinity small dot that was the universe of Global Britain in the moments before the Big Bang was triggered by the malign being who willed to be created, or The All Thumbs god…”

The book comes in two editions, published simultaneously, one with standard English and the other in Brexglish, in order to make the book more accessible to those adherents to the debunked theory of Brexit. They’re, there, their are chosen at random throughout the text. Our is spelt are at all times, and so on.

”They’re just mocking us now,” Brexpert Tricky Mickey raged.

But is was wrong about that too, as the mocking preceeded the Brexit Big Bang and no singularity can stop it escaping faster than the speed of light.

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LABOUR TO TRIUMPH IN NO CONFIDENCE vote as Tories look for someone to carry their can

Jeremy Corbyn has been advised to order a bicycle courier for later this week to ferry his few meagre belongings to 10 Downing Street.

The advice comes after Labour are certain to triumph in the looming No Confidence vote in Theresa May’s shambolic and vicious administration.

In spite of rent-a-gobs, baffled BBC journalists and Twitterati blithely assuming the government will easily put down the No Confidence motion and carry on doing whatever it is they’re doing, the stars are aligning for a different outcome.

“Mercury is in the ascendant and Pluto is beside the fire hydrant,” our political mystic advises, after gazing at the stars high on meth during the night, “and the Tory Party will not let go this dazzling chance to save themselves.”

Save themselves by passing the flaming can of Brexit shite over to someone as deluded as most of themselves?

“That’s right,” mystic meth replies, “Jeremy ‘Castro’ Corbyn will have his chance to go to Brussels and shout cake.”

How’s that going to work out for him?

“You don’t need me to tell you that.”

But doesn’t it mean he has to orchestrate either revocation of Article 50 and the enduring scorn of his revolutionary chums, or the destruction of the United Kingdom as we know it?

“Yes. The Tories maybe incredibly cruel and sociopathic, but they’re not stupid.”

So carry the can and pass the parcel.

“And if Corbyn isn’t careful he’ll be the one left standing when the music stops.”

Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it.

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Woman intends to carry on today as if nothing serious happened yesterday

A woman who believes herself to be doing God’s work is busy this morning ignoring the message God sent her last night.

”She’s just going to carry on as if nothing bad happened yesterday,” Mr Pickering, owner of Cotton Wool R Us, which supplies ear stuffings for 10 Downing Street told us, “I know this because around 8pm last night I received a massive order of ear suitable cotton wool.”

The order, promptly delivered by courier moments after the woman received the message from on high, wasn’t the only one.

”I’m retiring to the south of France today,” tin supplier, Mr Ears, also advised, “really I am. I hope I get to stay there after the end of March. The order last night for a set of tin ears was so insane it was like winning the lottery.”

There were apparently also orders from ‘The All Thumbs” firm of handy equipment and ‘Cack Hands’.

”It’s a great time to be in toilet tissue too,” our economic analyst tells us, “insiders in the treasury tell me that a new battle is raging between May and the Chancellor after she insisted on an emergency fund of several billion to keep the Tory Party supplied with four ply paper.”

Is this because they’re all crapping themselves?

”Not all. The really insane ones are fine. But anyone with a brushing relationship with reality is running to talk to God on the white telephone from both ends.”

That’s nice to know.

So what’s next for the occupant of 10 Downing Street?

”Fit her latest set of tin ears, stuff them with cotton wool and give a speech which doesn’t acknowledge last night’s historical defeat, would be my guess.”

How will the speech begin?

”The British people…”

Oh God, anyone have the number for Cotton Wool R Us?”

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Hundreds of second home owners likely to fail simple IQ test in Westminster tonight

LCD Views can report this afternoon that according to Twitter hundreds of second home owners are to sit a simple IQ test in Westminster this evening.

”And hundreds are expected to fail,” our College Green correspondent reports, “up to 650 men, women and children will take part in the mass test tonight in an old building that is such a fire hazard many are also surprised it hasn’t burnt to the ground, what with all the hot air it holds.”

And there will be a lot of hot air this evening in preparation for the IQ test.

”Many taking part are second home owners, many are multi-millionaires, the likes of Philip Hammond (self made man who now helps other people not make it) and Jeremy Corbyn (also mostly self-made, in his own image, and estimated to be worth over £3m – more than sufficient to weather whatever Brexit does) and others are just idiots.”

The test is in the form of a basic yes/no format that you’d expect even a turtle on a fencepost could answer correctly, even though it can’t tell you how it got where it is.”

The person setting the test, a vicar’s daughter called Theresa May, has taken almost three years to write it.

”She’s done her best to get it right,” our correspondent observes, “the question is basically will you allow me to continue governing you so I can keep making foreigners feel deeply unwelcome and persecute them to my heart’s content?”

Enough people fail the IQ test and answer yes and watch out! The go home vans will be back on the streets.

But enough pass the test and say no, more than those who fail, and the vicar’s daughter could soon be seen packing her bags and returning to the vicarage with her forked tail between her legs.

”After desperately trying to cling onto power for a few more weeks.”