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No ayes for May! Maidenhead MP confirms she will vote against her own Brexit deal

The Conservative MP For Maidenhead has confirmed, only to LCD Views, that she will vote against U.K. PM Theresa May’s Brexit Deal when it comes before the HoC this evening.

”I’ll be getting some staffer to tell everyone on Twitter and Facepamphlet later,” Theresa May told us exclusively, “as you tend to block bots, I’m not sure all the electorate will have heard.”

But why the decision to vote against the prime minister’s WA with the EU, when May is telling everyone in the U.K. it’s in the national interest?

”It’s plainly not,” May scoffed, “which is why I’m getting such a beasting in the Commons over it. A real Frankenbrexitstein deal that has united both Leavers and Remainers in opposition. For which I should get some credit, as most thought that an impossible feat!”

But what is it about the WA you object to? Is it the effort to do the minimum possible to prevent a return to violence in NI?

”No, clearly not that.”

Is it the transition period that allows the U.K. time to not starve immediately, as we fumble about digging up the commons and green belts to grow food?

”No. Let them eat cake.”

Well, what exactly, the people deserve to know.

”It’s nowhere near racist enough for my liking. All foreign nationals should be forcibly expelled on Brexit day. Only then will I have delivered on the Brexit the British people voted for. Which given the fruity things Corbs says about leaving the Single Market, thus ensuring a Labour Brexit ends FOM (except for millionaires) too, is clearly a move supported by her majesty’s most loyal opposition.”

So you’re saying it’s not racist enough, but?

”But nothing. Kick out the foreigners. Then maybe I can sleep at night knowing no one is coming to steal our horses. And Theresa May can get some hard earned shut eye too.”

But you are Theresa May and this is your deal.

“Don’t get fresh with me. Where were your parents born? Will someone please put me out of my political misery!”

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BLONDE DROPS BOMBSHELL! Rebel MP tables amendment making himself PM regardless of result MV

Boris Johnson (MP for Boris Johnson) has dropped a bombshell on the House of Commons this morning after he signalled he would be tabling an amendment to the meaningful vote being held today making himself prime minister, whatever the result of the meaningful vote.

“The virtuous people of Great Britain are crying out for a leader in this time of crisis for the mother of all democracies,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, via Skype with the sounds of an Italian market town in the background,

“and I can provide the clear sighted, 20/20 vision to see off the deep state conspiracy that threatens to make the most vulnerable in our society, the most giving, the 1%, the ubermensch, pay more taxes,” Mr Johnson added with the sounds of a much younger blonde woman giggling in the background.

The amendment itself, the Johnson, is certain to gain wide support within the house of commons.

“Everyone is crying out for a different kind of prime minister,” Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of divorce litigation rebounding off the walls of the villa he was phoning in from, “a PM who will Make Britain Great Again!”

Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of Steve Bannon writing his scripts again.

And he’s right to suspect he has a good chance of success with his amendment, with even Labour figures keen to vote for it.

“It’ll mean Jeremy doesn’t have to get off that fence post he’s been planted on for so long he’s now got a third leg,” a Labour insider told us, “anything to keep from actually having to act. Much better to endlessly strategise how we will attain utopia in the back rooms, with the sound of Lenin giving a speech playing on the gramophone,

“We need an event to save us and a big, blousy, blonde bombshell dropping a bombshell could be just the event we’re looking for!”

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OUT OF ORDER! Bercow banished! Government privatises office Speaker HoC in late night frenzy

Theresa May and her one remaining loyal colleague (not so much a colleague as a toilet roll) played a blinder overnight as she seeks to increase the chances of her Brexit deal getting through parliament.

“Who will rid me of this troublesome speaker?” Ms May was heard to shout, while in the 10 Downing Street W.C., “I need a pliant speaker!”

What followed, according to unreliable witnesses, was a muttered discussion, before Ms May emerged fragrant and triumphant.

“I love it when a plan comes together!” she exulted the empty room, lucky toilet roll raised high.

From that moment it was all go. Our parliamentary correspondent has the scoop.

“The moment she conceived of the wheeze to privatise the office of the speaker it was non-stop action inside 10 Downing Street,” says our ear to the door, “she was on the blower and straight onto Seaborne Freight to see if they wanted to supply a new, zero hours contract speaker to fill the seat left vacant by disloyal old Bercs.”

But isn’t the job of choosing a speaker that of parliament?

”Not since the passing of the EU Withdrawal Bill last year and a little noticed clause giving the executive the power to instantly outsource any office of state so long as it’s first labelled ‘unforeseen’ and an ‘emergency’.”

And getting rid of Bercow is an emergency?

”Most definitely! He’s baffling the hell out of all the other old boys. He’s a Tory MP putting an interest that is not that of the Tory Party first. Complex and dangerous mind game to play. The entire fabric of our governance is tearing apart. Both sides of the house know party interests first. That’s the rule. May had to act.”

But will Seaborne Freight be able to supply a speaker in time for today?

”Of course, they’ve pulled one of the spotty teenagers out of catering college and told them it’s down to the Commons for you and not the ship’s mess.”

But they won’t know what to do.

”Of course they will. They’ll do exactly what the executive branch tells them to do.”

Order! Order! What would you like to order?

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Woman seriously considering calling in sick for work tomorrow

House of Commons deputy head and all round action man (you have to be when your own party wants to kill you politically) John Bercow is in danger of opening numerous sick notes tomorrow, in advance of the meaningful assembly being held to celebrate democracy, when he glances at the rolls to see who has turned up for class.

But most notable may be a note from the MP for Maidenhead, currently the head teacher, who it is rumoured is right now considering calling in sick for work with complete disregard for her students’ welfare.

“It wouldn’t surprise old Bercow,” an aide to the deputy head told LCD Views, on the condition that we do not print the rumour,

“she’s a complete control freak. Runs the entire school like a wet dream fantasy Victorian psycho head mistress. But it’s just that, an act, and it’s not even method,

“And a control freak living out a fantasy of power who is faced with not being in control? Well, they tend to run. The MP for Maidenhead will probably forge a note with her mum’s signature, forgetting she’s head and not student in her panic. But Bercow will know the handwriting. It’s not going to be good. She may get detention for a week or even be excluded.”

But the MP for Maidenhead is not the only MP expected to cook up a dodgy excuse.

“The ERG drama class are right now discussing on Whatsapp if they can all call in sick with a funny tummy? Their ringleader was outsmarted into calling a no confidence vote and now he doesn’t even want to turn up. Which is okay. They still get to use the toilets first at break even if they don’t do their homework.”

If only the MP for Maidenhead had a reputation for being a drinker, she could call in sick and everyone would know she had a rotten hangover and just let it slide, again.

“It’s not like we can even look to school counsellor Corbyn for leadership,” the aide ads, “he’ll probably not turn up for the democracy assembly either, claiming he forgot to set his alarm again.”

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BUNGS ON THE RUN! Police hunt notorious fly pitcher flogging peerages from suitcase outside House of Commons

Westminster police are appealing for the assistance of the public today after the release of the image of a notorious fly pitcher spotted flogging peerages from an open briefcase on College Green.

“She could talk the knickers off a nun,” PC Dee Tective, in charge of efforts to combat illegal street trading in the area, told our crime and punishment correspondent, “well, not so much talk, but offer an incentive of either a billion pounds or a knighthood.”

The street hawker, nicknamed Bung by locals, is held in little affection in the locality and over the last several years has become an increasing nuisance to people attempting to get anything useful done.

“It’s mostly the way Bung calls out when she stalls out,” Dee explained, “knighthood means knighthood, peerage means peerage, privy council means privy council, red, white and blue knighthoods, pick any colour you like! They’re all red, white and blue! Like this. Day in and out. It’s driving people nuts.”

Of course more serious is the loss of credibility of the honour system, an integral part of British democracy, as Bung flogs counterfeit or damaged honours for a song from the paving, before legging it.

“There’s some many knights and lords, dames and damsels wandering about College Green now it’s hard to know who to doff your cap to,” PC Tective said, “and not to mention the waste created. Knock off knighthoods spoil rapidly. Bung dumps them in the alleyways if she gets the merest whiff of myself or one of my colleagues. They don’t half stink. I think she’s losing her touch a bit, as she used to shred any evidence of wrongdoing, not just discard it willy nilly.”

But the scourge of College Green may soon be feeling a little hot under the collar.

“There’s a big vote in the House of Commons coming up tomorrow,” PC Dee Tective said, “you can bet your last squid Bung will be out on the pavement attempting to make a killing this afternoon. And we’ll be ready to pounce. Unless of course we’ve been ordered not to intervene by some mysterious, shadowy mastermind higher up the food chain.”

Anyone seeing Bung is asked to phone the police and report the sighting and is advised not to approach.

“We don’t need any have a go heroes. Let us do our job. You get too close to bung you’re liable to discover later that your freedom to move across an entire continent has been robbed from your back pocket.”

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Theresa May retracts Article 50 in favour of Article 50+++

Number 10 announced that the Prime Minister (there but for the grace of God…) was unilaterally retracting Article 50. In its place, May was confidently demanding that the EU recognise her Article 50+++.

Downing Street spokesman Rhett O’Rick was on hand to demystify the latest Brexit nonsense.

“It’s really simple,” stated O’Rick. “Article 50 has not given us what we wanted, so we have gone back to the EU to demand an upgraded Article 50. To avoid any confusion, we have called this new Article 50 Article 50+++.”

The original Article 50 was clear to the point of brutality. What makes this Article 50+++ better?

“All the plus signs, of course,” joked O’Rick. “But seriously, there is a little more wriggle room in the new Article. It now reads, ‘The EU treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question at an unspecified time after the notification.’ I think that’s something we can all get behind.”

This is just a load more fudge, isn’t it? It is surely just another way to kick the can down the road.

“Certainly not,” declared O’Rick. “It means that now the country can Brexit at a suitable time decided by Parliament. It’s taking back control.”

And will the EU accept it? After all, their latest position was ‘No more negotiations’.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” said Rhett, turning scarlet. “They need us more than we need them. Take it or leave it. The ball’s in their court.”

But, but… If the original Article 50 has been retracted by May, that means the PM has acted impulsively and unilaterally, and without forethought, again. And it means that we remain in the EU.

“Look, you clearly don’t understand these difficult and complicated matters,” said a flustered O’Rick. “So why don’t you run along and remoan at someone else?”

Fair point.

Meanwhile Theresa May has nor been seen in public recently because she has had extensive dental work. Too much fudge rots the teeth.

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Hindenburg operator confirms plan to fly hot-airship under British flag from March 29th 2019

Dr. Ludwig Dürr, known these days after reincarnation by the name Dr Liam Fox (the disgraced former defence minister now pretending to know about trade), has confirmed speculation that the manufacturers of the modern day Hindenburg, Brexit Industries (aka Little England Inc.), will be moving registration of their radically re-designed zeppelin airship to Britain at the stroke of 10pm, 29th March 2019.

“It’s because Brexit UK will have the most hot air freely available,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister told LCD Views’ Pseudo Science correspondent, “and we expect to fill our balloons with it at source and for free, and exceptionally tax efficiently once the UK is free of the shackles of Brussels and all those boring things they’re starting to do about large scale tax evasion.”

While the brains at Brexit Industries had anticipated some blowback from the EU27 country the airship is currently registered in, so far none has been forthcoming.

That’s because such a wedge of the financial services industry is moving across the channel, as well as lots of our manufacturing, and well, just about everything, it’s not thought anyone will notice the loss of an airship guaranteed to crash and burn with great loss of life.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister replies, “I would expect the German car industry, and the Irish cheese industry, to come banging down Merkel’s door just before March 29th to demand we keep producing and releasing our inflammatory ideas within the EU. We’ve basically got them over the barrel.”

He believes this because he is an idiot.

The comments by The Disgraced Former Defence Minister have also confirmed speculation that a lot of Dr Dürr’s brains did not transfer via reincarnation, with the exception of the sorrowful blindspot that doesn’t spot catastrophic flaws in his designs.

“We’ve painted a new pair of eyes on the airship too,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister adds, “and they swivel.”

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Brexit accepted as the fifth horseman of the apocalypse

The four horsemen of the apocalypse – Death, War, Pestilence, and the other one – have been joined by a fifth. The newcomer, in a class of his own, is Brexit.

It is hard to argue with the choice. Brexit brings chaos where there is order, dearth where there is plenty, and general pissed-off-ness in place of harmony.

In fact, Brexit has already spread so much confusion that his horse is insisting that the spot on his nose is actually a vestigial horn from a unicorn.

The other horsemen, after initially celebrating, are now regretting the decision. “Brexit will be the cause of many a death,” complained Death. “Bloody newcomers, putting me out of a job!”

“Yeah, Brexit is about to start a civil war out of nothing more than name-calling,” remoaned War. “I’ve been trying to do that for years. Not even Hitler fell for that one!”

“Brexit is causing a shortage of medicines,” observed Pestilence. “Who needs pestilence, when Brexit can reverse hundreds of years of progress in  a matter of months?”

“It’s all a bit shit, innit,” agreed the other one. “Whatever I do, Brexit does it better. Or worse, depending on your point of view. What’s the point in being a horseman of the apocalypse if this bloody usurper breezes along and completely takes over?”

It is only reasonable to reflect upon how Brexit gatecrashed the liberal elite and shat on their poncy table. Some tawdry talent show – The Brex Factor, or Brexit’s Got Talent, one of those – invited auditions and put the vote to the public. In this lottery. 52% voted for Brexit, which was instantly accepted as the fifth horseman.

Subsequent revelations have shown that the vote was both illegally fought and fraudulently won. The Director General of the Talentless Show, David Camelot, resigned on the spot. This admission of guilt appeased the horseman, which enabled Brexit to dominate the original four.

Unfortunately, Brexit has become too big for his boots. His horse, now his unicorn, is demanding special privileges and refusing to bear him further. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

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NASA decodes signal from deep space as saying “Call if you have ever had PPI”

NASA has revealed that the repeated signals from deep space are actually an advertising slogan being broadcast continually. It appears that a galaxy 1.5 billion light years away is also concerned about mis-sold PPI.

This is in contrast to the theory put forward by SETI, that the message is an instruction to pay for the wall currently being constructed around the Earth.

             You can read this report here.

“We’re gonna build a wall around Earth and Earthlings are gonna pay for it!” space scientists decode deep space radio message

NASA employed an expert to advise on their work. Prof Polly Glott, Professor of Interstellar Linguistic Theory at the University of Great Wittering, was able to crack the meaning behind the signal.

LCD Views’ Out Of This World correspondent managed to speak to Prof Glott over a snack consisting mainly of Mars Bars.

“The signal comes from a galaxy far, far away,” she remarked. “I was intrigued because there was a definite pattern to the signals. The same signal was received over and over again. It’s not the sort of thing that occurs by chance, so I deduced that it was either God, or intelligent lifeforms trying to get in touch.”

Glott discounted the former possibility, since historically God tends to communicate via burning bushes or impregnating virgins rather than sending communications from deep space. Therefore assuming alien intelligence, Prof Glott and her team set about translating the message.

Several theories were assessed. “We considered several likely messages,” continued Glott. “They included ‘Chat shit get banged’, ‘Live long and prosper’ and ‘So long, and thanks for all the fish’. Another was ‘Bollocks, this black hole is totally out of control!’.”

Glott disclosed that there were also suggestions that we were merely picking up the wrath of disappointed Brexiters reverberating throughout the universe.

“Finally we detected the overly jaunty intonation associated with advertising, and it all fell into place,” Glott concluded. “The message was, ‘Call if you have ever had PPI’. We are being spammed from space!”

NASA is intending to reply immediately. However, they do not expect to receive their refund for another 1.5 billion years.