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“We’re gonna build a wall around Earth and Earthlings are gonna pay for it!” space scientists decode deep space radio message

Professor N. Quasar, an astro-anthropologist working on British Space Agency’s SETI project has announced today, via a Facebook post on his personal page, that he has decoded the repeating radio signal emanating from deep space.

“I’m sorry to have to tell everyone,” he begins the post, in which he confirms that the radio messages are being broadcast from a previously unknown alien civilisation, situated in the Furore Nebula (turn left after that massive planet lurking behind Pluto and keep going for 100m light years). He then goes on to state what the alien signal is telling us.

But controversy has immediately engulfed the professor after his world altering announcement and sadly meant no one is focusing on what the alien lifeforms are really telling us.

“He’s gone off and tried to get all the credit for himself. I’m not sure how early he got up today to do it?,” disgruntled colleague, Doctor Neutron tweeted after reading Quasar’s post, “this is singularitily one of the darkest events in my entire career. I’m not sure if our working relationship will escape it.”

Whether or not the controversy will prevent Professor Quasar winning the Nobel Prize for Astro-biology is anyone’s guess, or for that matter allow the impressive duo to carry on working together.

“It will if I have anything to do with it,” Doctor Neutron tweeted, “this is worse than the time he discovered the British moon landings were faked and had that article published in the Gruniad.”

But what does the message from deep space actually say?

“Make Space Great Again! Or MSGA (pronounced Ms Ga – for the record she denies any involvement),” Doctor Neutron explained, “oh, and the sentient creatures on Flaarg-Barst 9 are gonna build a wall around the Earth and we’re gonna pay for it!”

And based on recent events, who could blame them?

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Home Office slammed over typo in No Deal Brexit prep poster

The Home Office is in the unusual position of being on the receiving end of criticism over the release of new No Deal Brexit preparation posters aimed at younger Britons.

“It’s come to something when you can’t even warn school children from lazy households that they will have to forage in the event of a no deal Brexit, or risk going without food,” Home Office minister, Mr Host Ile told LCD Views, “how can someone even say ‘starve’ is misspelt? I hear funny accents on the streets, and especially while sat on trains. Farve is probably a trendy way of pronouncing starve anyway.”

The release of the posters is timely, with the government attempting to secure a crash and burn Brexit to ensure the billionaire sociopaths backing Brexit get the Brexit they paid for.

“Bookies are now taking odds on which food will be rationed first after we leave the shackles of the tyrannical European Union on the 29th March and begin a new chapter of bold adventuring in the larders and bins of our nation searching for something to eat,” Mr Ile adds, “with punters getting into the swing of what’s coming it’s only right children know what’s expected of them.”

Nonetheless the posters will be withdrawn and reprinted with the correct spelling of the starve.

“That’ll cost millions,” Mr Host Ile advises, “but it’s okay because the chap who owns the printing company used to play rugger with one of my colleagues over at DExEU. I’d be surprised if anyone notices how much he’s charging for the glossy paper with all the Brexit chaos going on. Nice little earner.”

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Amazon boss finds divorce papers in next door’s shed

The world’s richest man (for now), Amazon boss Jeff Bezos, has admitted to discovering his divorce papers after a long search. They had been delivered, while he was out, and hidden cunningly in a neighbour’s shed.

Jeff being super rich and that, his nearest neighbour is some distance away, and behind the security of a garden wall that would make Donald Trump tumescent with envy. Matters were complicated by the fact that this particular neighbour had been on holiday. On his return, the neighbour ignored the outsized box in his shed, assuming instead that his wife had been buying vibrators again.

It wasn’t until Jeff came to call that he made the connection. The neighbour, Bill Damann-Cave, takes up the story.

“I sort of knew Jeff was my neighbour,” Bill admitted. “However, since he lives in several hundred acres of secluded parkland behind a mahoosive wall, I rarely saw him. He’s not really the type to chat about how your courgettes are doing over the garden fence.”

The man himself came knocking one day, looking anxious. “He just said, I’m Jeff Bezos, yes, the Amazon guy, has a large package been delivered here?” Bill recalled. “I just said, yes, but my wife is forever ordering large packages. Could you check for me, he asked, so I did, and it was indeed for him.”

According to Bill, Jeff opened it on the spot. “Yeah, he took a long time wading through the masses of packaging,” said Bill. “Eventually he pulled out this slim sheaf of papers, and looked sort of relieved, but very glum at the same time.”

Jeff admitted to Bill that he was getting a divorce. “His wife had been nagging him to do the paperwork apparently,” said Bill. “He was relieved to locate it at last. People who bought this also bought motorbikes and Viagra, I joked. Don’t think he thought it was funny.”

Bill did reveal why Jeff was so glum, though. Not because of losing his wife, but because the divorce bill was going to be so large that he would no longer be the world’s richest man.

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Brexiter accuses Brexit of attempting to sabotage Brexit

Brexit is finally taking its turn in the spotlight today as Brexiters cast around for someone else to blame for the certainty of Brexit achieving catastrophic results economically, socially, culturally and digestively if it is delivered (like the dirty nappy off a bawling baby Satan left in a filthy, rusting out toilet on an Arriva Trains Wales toilet).

LCD Views spoke to prominent Brexiter, Sauron, to learn why it’s now Brexit’s fault that Brexit is certain to be a complete and total shitshow, and not actually the fault of Brexiters like himself?

“It’s undermining May’s negotiating hand for one,” Sauron blazed, big eye swivelling on top of his tower.

You seem distracted? Are you looking for something? Or someone?

“Of course I am looking for something, I’m always looking for something!”

What?

“A benefit of Brexit!”

There’s no need to shout.

“There’s always a need to shout! Time is running out!”

But surely Brexit, being an ill defined political project, is not at fault, given it can’t define itself?

“Yes it can! Brexit means Brexit!”

That’s just a slogan.

“Well, whose fault could it possibly be that Brexit is sabotaging itself, if not Brexit for acting so bloody recklessly with it’s own planning and implementation? Have you seen what the Japanese car industry is saying about Brexit?! Brexit sucks at making people see they need it more than it needs them! It winds me right up!”

Perhaps it’s the fault of the people who have spent, in some cases, decades arguing that we should Brexit, while doing nothing whatsoever to plan for doing just that?

“Remoaner!”

That’s it? Just insults?

“Stop undermining Brexit! Get behind it and push!”

I will.

“Ha! All will kneel beneath Brexit!”

I’ll get behind Brexit along with tens of millions of other Britons and push it right into the fires of Mount Doom.”

“You lost! Get over it!”

I see this discussion is going the way discussions with Brexiters always do. Thank you for your time.

“It’s undemocratic to vote all the time!”

Thank you for your time.

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Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

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A Day in the Life of an Anti-Brexit protestor – College Green Wed 09/01/19

WEDNESDAY 9TH DEC – Seems like yesterday in the ‘sunlit uplands’ was just a respite as we descended into the depths of Mordor with the return of the yellow-vested Orcs, but more of that later.

We did also have one Evil Hobbit, who managed an early insult towards Raenim, calling her a ‘Nazi’ – rather bizarre as a you could not meet a more mild mannered and polite woman.

This verbal, vertically challenged woman was the one that had tried to burn little EU flags in an earlier demo and nearly set herself on fire. She is quite religious and often quotes the Bible, particularly the passages that say that the UK does not belong in the EU – extremely good prediction for such an ancient text.

We refrained from asking to see her feet to confirm our Hobbit theory.

Raenim was not bothered as she has worked with teenagers excluded from from school and so she says she has a very thick skin and a high tolerance level for personal abuse. I could sympathise having been involved in social work for over 40 years and it seems being a peaceful demonstrator is sadly now another activity where you have to put up with abuse.

The Leavers have a new wheeze with a small cart on pram wheels with loads of notices such as ‘Save Our Sovereignty’, a drum and a Liberty Bell which they were constantly ringing while banging the drum. This caused so much racket that Lord Roberts appeared mainly to complain about the noise. He did a quick TV interview and went back in.

We thought that this weird vehicle would be what we are left with to bring goods into the country after Brexit! I wonder if they know that the original Liberty Bell was completely cracked and could not be mended, not a good symbol for the UK after Brexit I feel.

It wasn’t long before there were more Yellow-bellies there and the first very noisy and offensive man started repeatedly shouting ‘Out Means Out’ which appears to be a truism that you don’t need a dictionary for.

It went through my mind that if he was in Yorkshire they would hear this as ‘Anything means Anything’ which is logically more accurate. In any case we added ‘Chaos’ on his second ‘Out’ which seemed to shut him up a bit.

The Yellow-bellies became more restless and frustrated and so upped their insult level by calling us ‘traitors’, ‘paedos’, ‘paid lackeys of the EU’ and the worst one they could come up with was strangely ‘social workers’ (I thought that estate agents were most hated).

They became so loud we had to ‘Jerusalem’ them with a rousing chorus of the whole hymn with the aid of Nicola’s smartphone. An interesting song based on a William Blake’s poem that posits a supposed visit to the UK by Jesus accompanied by Joseph of Arimathea; apparently he went to Glastonbury – I’ve heard of coming early to a Music Festival but that is ridiculous.

We then shouted consider yourselves ‘Jerusalemed’ and amazingly it made them go quiet for at least half an hour. It did start up again so we had to bring out the big gun and gave them a chorus of ‘God Save the Queen’ – mainly for the cameras as they were calling us traitors at the time. It is all about marketing these days.

During all this chaos and noise with the yellow-belly football chants, the Liberty Bell and drum we had Pietho standing on the steps with her little speaker reciting her thoughtful and challenging anti-Brexit poems.

Guess what the Police did, having stood by and watched us getting bawled at, the Leaver Liberty pram clanging away – yes, they told Pietho to turn off her tiny speaker as it violated the Westminster by-laws.

She continued to recite but was straining her voice – I have asked her to send a poem through and will share.

We also had a Chinese couple in their wedding gear come along to shoot some pictures as it seems that a riotous demo is a good backdrop for your wedding photos in China.

The volume level went up a notch when the ‘Jesus man’ appeared (with his speaker) telling us that Brexit cannot save Britain only Jesus can. Optimistically, we felt that this was another heavenly argument to Remain.

Meanwhile, one of the yellow-belly female Orcs was constantly telling us the we were possessed by the Devil and this made us all child abusers. It was an interesting theological hypothesis I thought. This yellow-belly only became quieter when she did a fairly long interview with Portuguese TV. Goodness knows what she said and how she represented us as Britons to this foreign audience? At least her head did not do a 360 degrees.

We had to wonder at one of the incompetent Leavers with his beautifully made placard all shiny and colourful. Unfortunately he had written in bold lettering ‘Brusell Spouts Voted Leave’ instead of ‘Brussels Sprouts’ (photo attached) so he got zero out of two for spelling and nothing for history as they came from Brussels in the 16th Century.

He compounded his accident-prone impression by promptly tripping over the kerb and landing heavily on his placard, he immediately got up and continued on as if nothing happened – we politely averted our eyes but could not help having a little giggle.

I had to leave because of childminding duties, but I know things were hotting up with the arrival of more from the yellow-belly Orc army. Hopefully, it did not result in the Battle of the Two Towers! Please let us know if others can shed light on what the dark forces of Mordor were up to later in the day.

The Brexit bus was still appropriately going in circles around Parliament like some great polluting vulture circling the diseased body politic that is currently our Government.

It seems the politicians are more concerned with archaic Parliamentary procedures rather than making the most important decision for our country since the Second World War.

Our democracy is on life-support at present with freedom of speech and peaceful demonstration under threat from far-right thuggery while our police stand passively watching democracy die.

In ancient Greece, the best people to cure the body politic were thought to be the poets, so the highlight of the day for me was Pietho’s quiet voice reciting her powerful and impassioned poetry.

A Living Thing

Of the countless
The very worst of the lies
Was about the very nature of our democracy
Soundbites and catchphrases have indoctrinated the public
They think “the will of the people” is static
They’ve been fed such falsehood
That a democratic vote could damage democracy
I despair
This wall of rhetoric we must break through is high
It has proved an effective weapon
In this civil information warfare

The truth is simple
Democracy is a living thing
At the mercy of time like you and I
It must always move forward
Evolving with every vote
It is the current
The up to date will of the people
That will always trump that of two years ago

It is the denial of informed consent
That is the intolerable subversion of our democracy
A dagger called Brexit through it’s beating heart

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Man buys double breasted hi viz vest from Saville Row tailor

A man who is always careful to be well tailored and manicured in his speech, lest the mask slip, has announced today he has bought a double breasted hi viz vest from a Saville Row tailor.

“One does not wish to appear to be an ordinary street thug while protesting against the sudden reemergence of parliamentary sovereignty,” the man told LCD Views’ Wolves in Wolves Clothing correspondent, “the men of my political persuasion of the 1920’s, 1930’s and early 1940’s were always well turned out. Latere aperto is my rule of thumb. But, and this is very cunning, sordidum opus face popular tuum, ut alii. It’s best if your common man does the pavement job of jostling and spitting at older people protesting peacefully. All in the innocent hope of intimidating them into silence.”

It’s believed once the vest has been tailored and a fitting taken place the man will wear it in the House of Commons to lend support to his own supporters on the pavements of Westminster.

“Parliament sits in the noble chamber of the House of Commons. Not on College Green. But on College Green the important work of explaining to common voters what happens if they protest against making good the illegally secured victory of the greatest act of democracy since Adolf had numerous referenda.”

Yes, thank you. And that’s with standing room only for the most important debates when a majority of elected representatives turn up, elbow to elbow.

Perhaps a new building would be order? So our MPs can all take a seat like adults and discuss things without carrying on like out of control boys sensing the blood of a substitute teacher. And maybe build it up north, to encourage love and sympathy for London?

“Oh, I do not think the great British public want us wasting their hard earned money willy nilly on new structures for parliament,” the man smirked, “once the shadowy backers of the yellow vests have their way, and I am elevated to the position of sovereign, their won’t even be a parliament.”

Brexit est Brexit.

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Musician Plan B seeks protective custody after learning Michael Gove may try to kidnap him next week

Famous British musician Plan B, aka Ben Drew, is rumoured to be in hiding today after learning of a Michael Gove plot to kidnap him.

”He’s rumoured to be in protective custody in a Met safe house,” our entertainment correspondent, She Said, speculated wildly, “while it is far from clear how advanced Gove’s kidnap plot is, given everything policy with this government is decided on a just in time basis, it’s felt the musician is best advised to play for safety.”

It’s not the first time an artist has gone into hiding at the mere risk of being physically close to Mr Gove.

”Famous medieval Italian writer Dante is said to have physically entered hell to escape from the clutches of the immortal spectre currently pretending to be Secretary of State for the Environment,” She Said adds unreliably, “although as that stint down below hiding from Gove resulted in the inspiration for his famous immortal work, Dante’s Inferno, hopes are of a similar impact on Mr Drew.”

Should the government succeed in getting its Brexit deal approved by parliament next week, say by perhaps making every sitting MP an Earl or a Duchess, than Plan B will be able to leave hiding, presumably.

”That’s not entirely certain at this point,” She Said clarifies as a point of order, “the use of the indefinite article ‘a’ leaves Ben at risk of being kidnapped not only by serving members of Theresa May’s cabinet, but also Jeremy Corbyn, who will likely wish to include ‘a’ Plan B in his own Brexit policy of negotiating ‘a’ fantasy new customs union with the EU.”

As to what Mr Drew should do in his safe house over the next week?

”He’s should be wary of staying too log,” She Said says, “something he has previously professed to making a habit of doing.”

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Theresa May to wall herself off from reality, completely

PMQ’s was noisier than usual today as prime minister of Great Britain and a part of Ireland (if she carries on) Theresa May responded to a sympathetic question from a backbench Tory MP to kick off the weekly party, showcasing British democracy to the world.

”Can the prime minister confirm for my constituents in La-La that the successful amendment to the finance bill last night, the so called Cooper Traitor’s Bill, will not in any way hinder the ongoing construction of her wall against reality?”

To which the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and some of Ireland, replied:

”I thank the honourable member for La-La, Mr Bridgen, for his question. Firstly though may I commend him on his wearing today of an edible Union Jack waistcoat.”

(Pause as the Tory backbenchers cheer. Intervention by the speaker to call for order as several Tory MPs hurl straightened bananas over at the opposition benches, resulting in John McDonnell waking up, saying what? several times, before he retorted by firing a small red book out of a small red cannon. The book taking so long in flight, that the PM gave up waiting and continued.)

”It is with great pleasure I can confirm to the honourable member that my wall against reality is already completed, and has in fact been entirely constructed by sensible use of taxpayer funds many months prior to last night’s vote.”

(More banana throwing. A pineapple is launched. Tory and Labour Brexiters leave their benches to meet and exchange chunks of gammon. Order resumes. Well, what was passing for it.)

”And may I take just another moment to state that in the coming months I will be adding an additional three walls to form a box and then commissioning a lid so that my wall to keep out reality will become a fully functioning sensory deprivation chamber.”

(Orgasms of delight. PMQs pauses for cleaning off the spittle and flung shite.)

Jeremy Corbyn next rose to question the prime minister:

”Can the honourable lady confirm that she will be looking favourably upon my own motion to build ‘a’ wall against reality and stop wasting time on ‘the’ wall against reality…”

And the war against reality carried on.

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Trump records “Wall Song” duet with Human League

With the US congress steadfastly refusing to fund his border wall,  president Donald Trump has turned to 80s pop celebrities to help him sell the project to the US public.

White House spokesperson Thomas Dolby confirmed to LCD views Wednesday that the President had this morning entered a recording studio with members of 80s synth pop ensemble “The Human League” to add his vocals to a new version of their 1980 minor hit “Empire State Human”, better known to 80s pop pickers as “that bloody wall song”.

“The president feels that with their rousing chorus of ‘I want to be tall, tall, tall…As big as a wall, wall, wall…’, and backing vocals of “Fetch more water fetch more sand, BIGGEST person in the land”, The Human League have neatly summarised his motivation for erecting this much needed addition to security on our southern border,” he explained.

However he denied point blank that there had been any discussion with the band over a possible further collaboration to rerecord their global mega hit, “Don’t You Want Me Baby” as a on open appeal to Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the US congress, where the Democrat majority is refusing to release funds for Trump’s planned border wall.

“Frankly there’s more chance of the President turning buddhist and  “Being Boiled“, he punned.

Pelosi, for her part, speaking on the steps of congress chose to neither confirm nor deny widespread rumours that she was herself was recording a duet with former “Human League” members Martin Ware and Ian Craig Marsh, better known as 80s synth pop hit factory, “Heaven 17”.

“All I can say at this point is ‘Brothers, sisters, we don’t need this fascist groove thang…” she smirked.