Government planning to close Internet to offset post Brexit power shortages

A “top secret” government working group is conducting an assessment on the viability of “temporary Internet shutdowns” to offset anticipated power shortages after the UK leaves the European Union on March 29th.

Speaking to LCD views on condition of anonymity, a senior Whitehall source confirmed that a special working group code-named “Dept Against Reactionary Communication”, or DARC for short, is conducting stress tests on vital infrastructure and services to confirm whether they will continue working in the event of enforced Internet cuts.

“The Internet uses an enormous amount of power – as much as 5 Terawatt hours (TWh) a year, around 8% of total consumption – or almost as much as Jacob Rees Mogg’s bitcoin mining operations, which obviously we can’t shut down…haha..,” he said explaining that temporarily shutting down access on a regional basis would help offset the need for wider power cuts.

“People just don’t realise how power hungry the Internet is, and how much of the content is just snide and arguably treasonous criticism of her majesty’s government,” he cautioned, explaining that  shutting off a single satirical article shared on Facebook could light a city like Sunderland for a whole hour.

“Not that it would help them see any more clearly,” he sniggered.

However he confirmed that the government is aware of the possible downside to cutting of net access, namely what occurred in the early 1970s when the  then Conservative government responded to coal and power workers’ strikes by shutting off all television channels at 10.30pm to save power.

“Yes we are aware that listening to the radio became the second most popular replacement for watching TV, with inevitable consequences for the birth rate,” he confirmed.

“Not worry though, that won’t be a problem once we’ve closed all the remaining maternity and ante-natal units, sent back all the foreign paediatricians and GPs, and got the infant mortality rate back to an acceptable third world level,” he smirked.

Government slams Deliveroo’s sloppy service after takeaway order of sixty one trucks fails to arrive

British transport tzar Chris ‘failing’ Grayling was taking no prisoners this morning (because he couldn’t locate any) after his genius wheeze to spend millions creating a traffic jam was labelled a farce.

”He ordered the lorries personally with his phone using the Deliveroo app this morning,” Mrs Knowmoore Pleeeeze, Tory MP for WTF-on-Why (junior minister, Dept Transport), told us in person, “of course he closed his phone while the screen still said ‘processing order’, but that’s no reason to expect it’s anyone’s fault in government.”

Be that as it may, the failure of the famous takeaway food delivery service to promptly deliver the scores of heavy goods vehicles required has left Grayling in the unusual position of having his competence questioned.

”It’s not great,” Mrs Pleeeeze admitted, “I added an order of bacon butties and coffee to the truck order from Imperial Chinese Takeaway. I’m famished! Standing out here next to the motorway all morning with not a bite to eat. Now I know how the other half live! Really, I just want my life back.”

But does the sham in Dover today threaten other government contingencies for No Deal situations?

”You mean like the plan to use the KFC reward points app to award people with emergency medical supplies?”

Yes, that one too.

”Or the plan to have the Duracell bunny operate a treadmill to keep electricity flowing in Northern Ireland?”

Yes.

”Or the plan to call every government minister an Uber on March 30th so they can get the hell out of No Deal dodge and away to a comfy non-exec position on the board of a hedge fund that’s successfully shorted the pound and made a killing off the back of the wilfull and knowing destruction of modern Britain?”

That one sounds all too real.

At the time of going to print Deliveroo had yet to comment, but it is believed the firm will be able to escape blame due to being a food delivery service and not a short term hire outlet for lorries and trucks.

”That didn’t stop Seaborne Freight winning the catering contract for the House of Commons,” Mrs Pleeeeze added, “ahoy me hearties! Now, let’s see how that traffic jam is coming along.”

We fear Global Britain may not see its finest hour as 2019 gets into gear and begins motoring to a total, intentional standstill. 

Downing Street accused of fluffing Brexit after plan to replace viagra with fluffers leaked

Downing Street is in need of a stiff upper lip this morning after its plan to replace viagra supplies, threatened by a no deal Brexit, with adult movie workers has been slammed as half hard.

”It’s just sensible contingency planning,” a French maid working in the corridors of 10 Downing Street told us in a voice that was dangerously husky, “I’m not really French, this is just a costume. Do you like it? Would you like me to dust those high shelves?”

Alongside the adult movie specialists, free copies of the entire back catalogue of ‘Carry On’ films will be made available on a new government funded, streaming TV service, called ‘Bonking’.

”We’ll keep Britain shagging,” Mr Monee Schott, Tory MP for Knee Tremblers, declared, “the great British public will not be screwed senseless by Brexit.”

A debatable statement.

Additional plans include placing rousing imagery in town squares and city centres.

”Who isn’t going to feel something with a thirty foot high poster of Maggie in her prime glowering down at you as you go for a pint?” Mr Schott said with half closed eyes, “erect that next to a poster of a steam train entering a tunnel and off we go!”

Rockets blasting off and fireworks exploding are also planned.

But controversy has hit the scheme early after it was revealed a stockpile of actual viagra is being built for government ministers.

”Do you want your elected officials down in the dumps over the natural consequences of ageing on the mortal male? That would be reckless at a time of natural crisis.”

Plans to make the stockpile available to paid up members of the Conservative Party have also raised eyebrows.

”We’re just seeing to the needs of our natural supporters. Keep their resolve to make a success of Brexit firm.”

On the plus side, the dressers and drawers of the U.K. will be getting a proper seeing to with the old feather duster as the legions of fluffers are set to work across Little England.

But critics will take convincing that this isn’t just another example of the government making a fluff of Brexit.

Policewoman in hi viz accidentally arrests herself during vegan sausage roll protest free for all

Police up and down the country have been alerted to the threat posed by the Yellow Vest movement. Coppers have been ordered to take a zero-tolerance attitude towards anyone in a yellow vest acting suspiciously.

This hair-trigger attitude is making few friends, but it is at least an effective deterrent. Anyone in a light-coloured reflective jacket desecrating a vegan sausage roll gets lumped into a van and taken to the nearest nick to cool down.

However, the policy can backfire. Take a recent incident in which an over-keen policewoman arrested herself. LCD Views went down to the cells at Gammon-under-Pineapple police station to speak with the miscreant.

“I was getting ready for work, putting on my hi viz jacket, when I noticed this smug, foreign-looking woman in a yellow vest,” explained PC Myra Flection. “I tried to ignore her, but I kept catching sight of her everywhere in shop windows, puddles, you name it. She kept pace with me exactly. Well, I was in a right state when I walked into the station, I can tell you. I went straight up to the front desk and reported her.”

What happened next?

“I said, Sarge, I said, there’s this yellow vest woman stalking me,” said Flection. “What does she look like, he asked. Like that!! I said, pointing at her staring out of the mirror at me. Well, I didn’t waste any time, I marched right up to her and put the cuffs on.”

How did you manage that?

“She came right up to me too,” recalled Flection. “The only way to get the cuffs on was to put them on myself. So I walked back to the desk and handed myself in.”

Fair enough.

Back up at the front desk, Sergeant Evan Elpmee clarified what had happened. “PC Flection is keen, but as bright as a thirteen-watt bulb,” he explained. “And I’m talking about daffodil bulbs! She’s in the cells for the safety of the residents of Gammon-under-Pineapple.”

It’s certainly worth reflecting upon.

Chris De Burgh to re-release Don’t Pay The Ferryman in honour of Chris Grayling

What with one thing and another you can’t move for reissues, remasters and re-recordings these days. The latest act to join this list is Chris De Burgh, whose 1983 song “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” has just had a re-recording announced.

Speaking at a press conference, Mr De Burgh made the following announcement:

“A lot of artists have re-recorded their old hits in the last decade, but without making any fundamental changes to them, which is a bit pointless really. If you’re going to re-record a song, make it different enough that the listeners will see a point in parting with their hard-earned cash. So I’m doing an acoustic version of this and a few others that would benefit from the different arrangement.”

The new album is entitled Christopher John Davison, his birth name, to reflect the stripped-down nature of the songs.

In response to the question of timing, he added:

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Chris Grayling awarding that ferry contract to a firm with no boats.”

It was hard to tell from where I was sitting, but it looked like his eyes were sparkling with laughter as he said that. Certainly he was having trouble keeping a straight face. He also added that the acoustic nature of the re-recordings was not a protest against austerity and people being unable to pay their electricity bills.

The compilation also features a re-recording of his best known hit, “Lady In Red” but changed to “Lady In Blue” and with several lyrical changes. The first line in the new version is “never seen you talking so evil as you do tonight”.

Mr De Burgh has denied that this is a dig at Theresa May, although again his face was struggling against a guffaw.

Christopher John Davison is due to be released in the shops this week.

Greggs to launch Brexit-free gammon

UK bakery-to-fast-food chain Greggs announced Thursday that it plans to launch a new range of Brexit-free gammon products.

Coming only days after the launch of Gregg’s first “vegan sausage roll”, the new range represents a further step in the chain’s attempts to attract bigger spending  clientele.

A spokesman for Greggs confirmed that the new Brexit-free, lean and fat free, Gammon, was being sourced from specially bred Danish pigs, reared in a rigorously humane environment on a diet of fois gras, pumpernickel and sangria, to full EU standard, completely free of all dangerous hormones and chemical additives .

“We realise this may not appeal to those that are our grossly overweight, intellectually challenged, puce-complexioned and are often found in the BBCQT audience, but they have nothing to fear as we will still be shovelling out truck loads of the usual high fat, low fibre, hormone loaded crap to keep them happy as inhumanely reared pigs in sh*t,” he explained.

However the move has already drawn criticism from right wing commentators.

Seven times unelected MP and UKIP founder Nigel Farage denounced the move as yet another attempt by the establishment to undermine Brexit.

“This is typical pork-barrel-politics, aimed at keeping our mid morning snacks in the EU against the will of the people,” he spat, red faced and fuming.

While crimson-cheeked, blustering breakfast TV host Piers “Just-as-he-appears” Morgan, devoted a whole 15 minute phone-in segment on “Good Morning Britain” to asking the single “caps-locked” question:

“AFTER THE UK VOTED OVERWHELMINGLY TO LEAVE THE EU, WHO THE HELL WANTS BREXIT-FREE GAMMON?”.

A question which was answered in some detail by callers who phoned in to point out that actually only 27% of the British population voted for Brexit, suggesting a potential market of 73% of the population, or 48 MILLION people.

To which serial innumerate Morgan responded with typical civility:  You’re unbelievably stupid people aren’t you?”

However industry analysts point out that in the wake of the post Brexit economic collapse, sales of traditional low end fast food are likely to fall sharply, and broadening its appeal may help save Greggs’ from a soggy bottom line.

“Greggs has identified a high end market that is prepared to pay over the odds for a “bit of rough”, but currently avoids the chain like you would a smelly old tramp, begging for coins,” explained Tarquin Parsnip-Sauce, food and beverage analyst at Overpriced-Waterworks-Minicoopers.

“All in all it bodes well for their plan to take the entire chain vegetarian in time for the government’s planned post Brexit economic union with North Korea, and mass starvation,” he chirped.

Chris Grayling branded out of touch with cost of living after paying £14m for a pizza

Transport supremo (with pineapple) Chris Grayling MP has been branded a member of “an out of touch elite” after paying fourteen million pounds for a pizza.

”He’s no concept of the cost of living for ordinary people,” slammed multi-millionaire Magic Grandpa MP (Tory-Labour Alliance MP for Brexit), whose net worth is estimated to be over three million pounds (that’s what a google search reckons).

”To be frank with you, I am so upset by this I won’t be able to comment further,” Mr Grandpa sobbed, “as if I didn’t have enough to deal with being all torn up over the disgraceful treatment of EU27 folk by the government. Imagine moving to a country legally, trusting to the offer made, establishing a life, often marrying a local and having children, investing years in the U.K. only to find your rights arbitrarily torn up by a far right coup and your future incredibly uncertain? I tell you what. Sorry. I can’t go on. I’m too upset. I’ll make a statement on twitter about it later. I promise.”

But Grayling has defended the purchase of the pizza.

”What with the rising cost of living, it’s a bargain,” he told LCD Views’ ship’s mess correspondent, “and it’s a perfectly reputable pizza firm operating between Ramsgate and Osteende. I read on their website that it would be best to pre-order to avoid disappointing chancers, spivs and other friends of the current government, so I did, after rigorous consideration of how feasible the pizza purchase will look on my parliamentary expense account.”

LCD Views wholeheartedly joins the condemnation of the failing Secretary of State for Transport.

”He should have only paid no more than £2.5m and purchased the pizza from a state owned pizza manufacturer,” The Tory-Labour Alliance MP managed to add, and just so too, even if the range of toppings may have been more limited.

Cloud Cuckoo Land Premier denounces Trump as a fantasist

There have been many denunciations of Donald Trump from many sources since he took office, but the latest one has to be the most galling yet.

The latest country to speak out against Trump is Cloud Cuckoo Land. Their president, a Ms Hedda Parse, gave the following statement to the assembled press last night.

“On behalf of the entire population of Cloud Cuckoo Land, I hereby state that Mr Trump is a fantasist, believing in things that are completely impossible with unfounded optimism, as typified by his obsession with a border wall. Castles in the air are our job!”

The source of this denunciation is particularly striking, given the general nature of Cloud Cuckoo Land’s inhabitants.

“It has long been held,” Ms Parse acknowledged, “that we, the people of Cloud Cuckoo Land have our heads, quite literally, in the clouds, and are blind to some harsh realities, and some of our citizens can be said to justify that claim, I admit. However, each and every one of us is a hardened cynic in comparison to Donald Trump. He never considers the actual effort required to carry out his ideas, or the consequences of these same ideas.”

Mr Trump responded in his usual manner, that is to say by tweeting angrily about his denouncers:

“FAKE NEWS ALERT! The people of Cold Turkey Cloud are just a bunch of sissies who have done nothing to make the world a better place. Sad!”

At least we assume that Cold Turkey Cloud was meant to be Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mr Trump then tweeted:
“We’ll see how optimistic they are when we nuke the clouds they live in.”

Mr Trump has apparently already authorised an actual attack on the clouds, scheduled to commence next week.

We assume that the nebulous empire will in future be known as Mushroom Cloud Cuckoo Land.

May appoints Marty from Shameless to renegotiate Brexit deal

Snubbed by Brussels which has refused to agree to further talks on her “soft” Brexit deal, UK prime minister Theresa May has appointed a new chief negotiator, Marty Fisher, the fictional pyromaniac with Tourettes syndrome from TV comedy series, Shameless. 

Responding to criticism of the move from both Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, and the right wing of her own party a Downing Street spokesman denied that it in any way smacked of desperation on the part of Mrs May.

“The Prime Minister is fully aware that Marty doesn’t actually exist in the real world but then neither does a Brexit deal that is better than continuing EU membership…. ARSE BISCUIT,” he replied.

“But neither Jeremy, nor Boris, Mogg or any other of the “bastards” appear to  realise that, which make him the perfect man for the job….SPUNK-BUCKET,” he added.

Queried on whether fictional Marty’s equally fictional Tourettes affliction might not set the wrong tone in dealings with the fearsomely “real world” negotiating talents of European Commission head Jean-Claude Juncker, the spokesman was equally dismissive.

“After David “no research required, we hold all the cards” Davis and Dominic “Dover’s a port, who knew?” Raab, they’ll find Marty a doddle to deal with, assuming they don’t leave any matches lying around… BONER,” he added.

“Who knows, we may even get a real BUCKET-BIFF, to add to the Prime Minister’s deal … it certainly couldn’t be worse than….NO DEAL BREXIT,” he twitched.

Grayling cancels SEABORNE FREIGHT contract and awards it to BRIAN FERRY

Transport secretary Chris “failing” Grayling has announced that he has cancelled the £13.8m Brexit ferry contract he awarded to ‘johnny-no-ships’ ferryboat company “SEABORNE FREIGHT”,  and has instead awarded the contract to a ” highly experienced operator” – BRIAN FERRY. 

“Brian has been in the business with ROCK SEA MUSIC for nearly five decades and MORE THAN THIS has the experience to prevent urgent cargoes being STRANDED without being tarred as merely part of the SAME OLD sea transport SCENE,” cooed Grayling.

Grayling had a hard time explaining why he awarded such a large contract to a “paper company” with no ships, no docking agreements and no actual ferry operating experience, whose owners are widely rumoured to have connections to the conservative party but initially defended the move.

OH YEAH, welI don’t see any problem with supporting a new British business, THIS IS TOMORROW, and Brian has THE RIGHT STUFF” he said.

However the awarding of a new contract to Brian Ferry is unlikely to end the controversy and has already sparked allegations of nepotistic, nominative determinism. 

Despite his nautical nomenclature, Ferry is a self proclaimed “conservative” and long time supporter of the “Countryside Alliance“, an organisation dedicated to dressing up in silly clothes and the ritual slaughter small to medium sized wild animals.

“This is a SIGN OF THE TIMES, the motto of these TRASH is ‘LET’S STICK TOGETHER‘,” complained a spokesman for the Hunt Saboteurs.

In a written statement, Ferry welcomed the awarding of the new contract and declared that he was WINDSWEPT by THE THRILL OF IT ALL but denied that his new cross channel cargo contract would be used for tobacco smuggling.

“Well ok, maybe just the odd packet of VIRGINIA PLAIN.” he admitted.