LCD Views

Transport supremo (with pineapple) Chris Grayling MP has been branded a member of “an out of touch elite” after paying fourteen million pounds for a pizza.

”He’s no concept of the cost of living for ordinary people,” slammed multi-millionaire Magic Grandpa MP (Tory-Labour Alliance MP for Brexit), whose net worth is estimated to be over three million pounds (that’s what a google search reckons).

”To be frank with you, I am so upset by this I won’t be able to comment further,” Mr Grandpa sobbed, “as if I didn’t have enough to deal with being all torn up over the disgraceful treatment of EU27 folk by the government. Imagine moving to a country legally, trusting to the offer made, establishing a life, often marrying a local and having children, investing years in the U.K. only to find your rights arbitrarily torn up by a far right coup and your future incredibly uncertain? I tell you what. Sorry. I can’t go on. I’m too upset. I’ll make a statement on twitter about it later. I promise.”

But Grayling has defended the purchase of the pizza.

”What with the rising cost of living, it’s a bargain,” he told LCD Views’ ship’s mess correspondent, “and it’s a perfectly reputable pizza firm operating between Ramsgate and Osteende. I read on their website that it would be best to pre-order to avoid disappointing chancers, spivs and other friends of the current government, so I did, after rigorous consideration of how feasible the pizza purchase will look on my parliamentary expense account.”

LCD Views wholeheartedly joins the condemnation of the failing Secretary of State for Transport.

”He should have only paid no more than £2.5m and purchased the pizza from a state owned pizza manufacturer,” The Tory-Labour Alliance MP managed to add, and just so too, even if the range of toppings may have been more limited.

Transport secretary Chris “failing” Grayling has announced that he has cancelled the £13.8m Brexit ferry contract he awarded to ‘johnny-no-ships’ ferryboat company “SEABORNE FREIGHT”,  and has instead awarded the contract to a ” highly experienced operator” – BRIAN FERRY. 

“Brian has been in the business with ROCK SEA MUSIC for nearly five decades and MORE THAN THIS has the experience to prevent urgent cargoes being STRANDED without being tarred as merely part of the SAME OLD sea transport SCENE,” cooed Grayling.

Grayling had a hard time explaining why he awarded such a large contract to a “paper company” with no ships, no docking agreements and no actual ferry operating experience, whose owners are widely rumoured to have connections to the conservative party but initially defended the move.

“OH YEAH, welI don’t see any problem with supporting a new British business, THIS IS TOMORROW, and Brian has THE RIGHT STUFF” he said.

However the awarding of a new contract to Brian Ferry is unlikely to end the controversy and has already sparked allegations of nepotistic, nominative determinism. 

Despite his nautical nomenclature, Ferry is a self proclaimed “conservative” and long time supporter of the “Countryside Alliance“, an organisation dedicated to dressing up in silly clothes and the ritual slaughter small to medium sized wild animals.

“This is a SIGN OF THE TIMES, the motto of these TRASH is ‘LET’S STICK TOGETHER‘,” complained a spokesman for the Hunt Saboteurs.

In a written statement, Ferry welcomed the awarding of the new contract and declared that he was WINDSWEPT by THE THRILL OF IT ALL but denied that his new cross channel cargo contract would be used for tobacco smuggling.

“Well ok, maybe just the odd packet of VIRGINIA PLAIN.” he admitted.

 

Transport chiefs, having been urged to just get on with it, have announced that the third runway at Heathrow is to be built by a small girl. The extensive tendering process was bypassed in favour of the old boys’ network.

It turns out that the successful candidate, Ellie Copter, is the daughter of a prominent Tory donor. Ellie herself was happy with the news, but preferred to carry on building Lego unicorns. She then made them fight to the death.

Ellie’s parents have been paid a huge fee for her services. This will be wisely invested on cars, homes and holidays, and of course more Lego for Ellie.

Meanwhile, the couple next door, Mr and Mrs Eyre, were fuming. They donate even more to the Tories, and were angry that their son, Ryan, was overlooked. Ryan Eyre tried to go into partnership with Ellie Copter, but the deal collapsed when she refused to share her Lego and he had a meltdown.

“I think it’s a good idea to encourage young entrepreneurs,” garbled Chris Grayling to the BBC’s yes man. “You learn by doing, I have been told, although I cannot vouch for that myself. Michael Gove told me, after too much port at the cabinet Christmas bash, that I was incapable of either. He’s such a laugh!”

Whether Gove was right or correct remains to be seen, but the prospect of a major construction project being run by a six year old child caused consternation in the City. The pound dropped sharply, although many investors were quick to put money into Haribo.

Ellie’s initial design includes crazy paving in primary colours, a couple of dinosaurs, and a house for her unicorns. Grayling described it as “Just the sort of thing I had in mind”.

Construction is expected to begin as soon as Ellie makes friends with Ryan again.

BBC flag ‘ferry’ ship government PR outfit Radio 4 used its award winning early morning propaganda broadcast ‘Today’ today to do the government a favour and sensibly explain today’s steep rail fare hike.

”It’s not a hike, as it’s more of a mad dash to change platforms before you miss the alternative rail service after the one you were waiting for was first delayed and then cancelled,” transport minister, A Fooken-Spoon MP, explained,

“the hike is what you do after that service is also cancelled and you then decide to walk home. It’s really a keep fit regime, a public health service, for which the government should be applauded, not lambasted.”

The radio 4 anchor, chain less and sinking into the depths unstoppably, helpfully replied, “there’ll be no lambasting here Minister, no matter how disingenuous and fanciful your replies.”

Thereafter followed several minutes of piano music while the two chaps rubbed the souls of their feet together in the classic Bokonon ritual.

No enemies here, only friends who understand one another and work harmoniously together.

”But, for those listeners who maybe a little slow on the uptake,” the government placeman demanded softly, “how do you explain the 3.1% fare increase? Even though, in comparison to 100%, 3.1% is actually very small beer.”

”All those cancelled train messages don’t pay for themselves you know,” A Fooken-Spoon answered, “private rail companies in the U.K. are now the largest employees of voiceover actors. And I for one am not going to sit here and be criticised for supporting the arts in this country.”

Very good Minister.

”Oh, and have you seen how much a rail replacement bus service costs? Almost as much as a train! Now be a good chap and explain how lucky commuters are that the rail fare rises are never cancelled and are always on time.”

Cripes,  the new year is upon us, and the jolly jape that is Brexit is still going! How long before House Mistress May realises, and gives us all six of the best? The thought keeps me up at night, and I don’t mean awake. OK, crystal ball out. Here goes!

January: Theresa May will refuse the vote on her “deal” again. Jeremy Corbyn will threaten to actually do something. Again. Nothing will happen. Again. I will initiate as many interns as possible.

February: Michael Gove will reaffirm his support for Theresa May in a bare-faced leadership bid. I will receive hundreds of Valentine’s cards and spend most of the month covering fillies.

March: Lemmings will gather on every cliff edge in Britain. May’s “deal” will be approved at 10.59pm on the 29th. Lemmings will go home disappointed.

April: Hundreds of disgruntled people will gather outside parliament to protest. They will not be Brexiters or Remainers, but Londoners on a day trip to Clacton whose coach broke down in Westminster.

May: Footballers playing for European teams will domicile themselves in Clacton to avoid paying tax. The Eurostar will be chartered to take them back to Paris or wherever so they can pretend to be hurt like great big pansies. Rugger is still the real men’s sport.

June: Jacob Rees-Mogg will blame the EU for the incessant rain. Michael Fish will be dragged out of retirement to forecast sunshine. At Lord’s, rain may stop play, but I will bowl many a maiden over. Howzat?

July: Thousands will realise that their holiday in Spain is beyond their means, and that it will take six months to get a visa. Should have bought a premium blue Boris passport! There will be 16 miles of queueing coaches on the approaches to Clacton.

August: The newspapers will try to convince you that half a day of sunshine constitutes a heatwave. Clacton will run out of ice-cream. I will be at the Cambridge Shakespeare Festival squiring serving wenches.

September: Schoolchildren will be obliged to do compulsory fruit-picking instead of homework.

October: Food and fuel shortages will be in full swing. The three day week will be reintroduced, meaning October will last for ten weeks instead of the usual four.

November: As the nights draw in, people will be advised to share beds to keep warm. I will do my bit by sharing my bed with anyone female, young, nubile and daft enough to take me up on my offer.

December: I will get into the Christmas spirit by dressing in red and coming up as many chimneys as possible. As my dusky chums say, ho ho ho! By this time, EberTreeza Scrooge will probably go cap in hand to the EU and beg for re-entry. I will beg for re-entry with every ho ho ho! And then look forward to a damn good thrashing.

My warmest confibulations to you all.

As 2018 draws to a close, 2019 is looking on anxiously. There is trouble on the horizon, and 2019 does not want to take responsibility. We are looking at a no-deal new year.

2019 is getting no support for its decision to quit. 2018 has done its job and taken more than its share of flak, and 2020 refuses to step forward and take the bullet for 2019.

The crisis has forced Home Secretary Sajid Javid to cut short his holiday. Javid, who would be tearing his hair out if he had any, was unable to sort out the problem. He was, unfortunately, detained by immigration officials because he looked a bit foreign.

LCD Views’ No Time Like The Present correspondent managed to speak with the embattled epoch.

“Every year wants to be important,” sulked 2019. “Just ask 1066, or 1215, or even 1789. What have I got to look forward to? The UK and the USA disappearing up their own backsides. I’m not having it!”

Bad things have to happen sometimes, we suggested.

“Yeah, but it’s not fair, is it?” wailed 2019. “I want to be the year cancer was cured, or that man walked on Mars. Not the year the West destroyed itself voluntarily.”

But there will be complete chaos if there is a no deal new year next year.

“You managed before years were invented,” sneered 2019. “I’m sure you can manage again. It will be a managed no deal new year.”

Look, will you stop acting so entitled and just do your job please?

“No, I’m going back to bed,” said 2019. “Call the new year 2018b or something, I really don’t give a monkey’s. And Auld Lang Syne is a tedious dirge and I hate it!”

There may be trouble ahead. But while there’s music and moonlight and love and romance, let’s enjoy ourselves as much as possible before 29 March 2018b.