Heavyweight George Freeman fails to land knockout punch after giving May a good grilling

Tory Policy Advisor and former heavyweight boxer George Freeman has resigned. This latest blow has left Theresa May punch-drunk but somehow still standing.

Freeman, who also moonlights as a grill salesman, is jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire of reforming the Conservative Party. This story has been simmering away for some time, before boiling over earlier this week.

He recently issued a stark warning to May’s government that Brexit risked turning the UK into an old folks’ home that can’t pay for itself. In other words, after Brexit the country could well be a bit like the House of Lords.

It is natural to conclude that Freeman’s resignation means that his warning was ignored. With so much at stake (medium rare, with onions), anyone predicting burnt offerings is being frozen out.

Freeman has, in the past, warned that the Conservatives are failing to attract the younger generation. To this end he organised ‘GlastonTory’ which was every bit as successful as it sounds. Young people are now flocking to ignore the Tories.

One barrier to youth appeal must be the Young Conservatives. It is rumoured that, in order to join the YC, you must undergo an initiation ceremony. Among the alleged required rituals, you must burn money in front of homeless people, and perform unspeakable acts upon a pig’s head.

Freeman’s constituents seem unconcerned. Typical opinions coming out of Mid Norfolk can be roughly sorted into three categories. Firstly, it’s OK, he still has the grill business on the side. Secondly, a muttered “It’s normal for Mid Norfolk”. And finally, who the dickens is George Freeman?

May has now received so many blows to the head that there is a real danger of brain damage and dementia. If only she could afford to pay the fees at the old folks’ home…

Blair accepts cabinet position of Brexit tsar so Corbyn will finally start to oppose

The Westminster bubble is at bursting point with excitement this afternoon with the stunning news that Tony “T-Bone” Blair has accepted the new and unelected position of Brexit Tsar in Theresa May’s cabinet.

“It shows just how desperate May is for someone who can stop Brexit in its tracks, before her legacy is ashes and ruin,” a Westminster insider told LCD Views.”Johnson, Davis and Fox were supposed to have screwed it all up and killed it off by now, but somehow they keep clinging on.”

To protect his anonymity we’ll only say our source served as Chancellor for some years, before going into the news business and is famous for singlehandedly solving the unemployment issue in the U.K. by personally filling any vacancy.

“But it’s the only way to get Jeremy Corbyn to actually oppose Brexit.”

The Brexit Tsar’s responsibilities will include being the new face of Brexit, leading the negotiations with the EU alongside that packet of mince and constantly appearing in the media to thank Jeremy Corbyn for supporting the government at each key moment of pressure in the Commons.

“It’s classic reverse psychology,” an aide to T-Bone told LCD, “he’s finally accepted that having taken the UK into a disastrous war in the Middle East on fabricated evidence, just because some thick as Davis cowboy threw him a bomber jacket, no one is going to see him as the King Arthur figure he is, at least not yet. But he really wants to help stop Brexit to try and redress the balance.”

Sources close to Jeremy Corbyn relate that he is the most incendiary anyone has seen him since he became Holy Father.

“He was supposed to be deifying a new abacus for John McDonnell this afternoon, so it could be sold as a relic to fund renationalisation of common sense, but I hear he’s so angry he’s postponed the ceremony until after tea.”

Will the psychological move do the trick? Time will tell, but I’d trust in T-Bone, if he can’t drive Jeremy Corbyn into opposing something than nothing will.

“Famous Five start hunting their friends” set for release 01/01/21

LCD’s entertaining austerity correspondent can report happily this afternoon that “Famous Five start hunting their friends” is set for release 01/01/21.

The latest instalment in the long running series of children’s books is said to have caused considerable mirth, but some unease, from the moment it was conceived.

“We’re doing gritty realism now,” a PR man for the publishing house advised, “and I don’t mind telling up it’s got a few people nervous.”

The main cause of anxiety seems not to be the underlying premise, but the inclusion of various cooking recipes throughout the story.

“It was my suggestion. What’s the point in knowing how to hunt and catch a friend if you don’t know how to cook them?”

The recipes are thought to be derived from classic British cuisine involving meat and two veg variations, with some pastry themed dishes thrown in for variety.

“Each recipe comes with musical suggestions to play during preparation. They will be downloadable via an app that will be ready for release with the cool book.”

Asked why such a specific date has been chosen,

“It’s an auspicious time and day for British people. It’s the moment of our liberation from normal day to day worries. Oh, and it’s probably also the moment we start eating our friends because the food has run out.”

Community theatre groups have also expressed interest in adapting the story for live, socially distanced shows on the streets of the entire United Kingdom.

Copies can be reserved in advance and we advise you to do so so you don’t miss out. Also take the following advice,

“I’d suggest you start storing salt before Halloween 2020,” PR man added,

“It’s going to be a much sort after commodity. And we all know everything, especially long pig, tastes better with salt.”

R4 ‘Today’ journalist who explained Merkel not ruler of EU placed on gardening leave by BBC

The BBC has taken right and proper action this morning by placing an unnamed employee on “gardening leave” after they attempted to subvert democracy by explaining that Angela Merkel is not the ruler of the EU.

They compounded their treason by shouting “the EU isn’t a superstate you clowns!” as security guards removed them from the Today programme studio this morning.
John Humohrys, who began his career in journalism reporting for LCD Views from Brussels, and will likely end his career doing the same, phoned up to tell us of the nightmare only averted by swift action.

“I can tell you we’re all pretty shook up,” he related, and then did an Elvis impersonation for a few minutes.

He returned to the attack on the people a few minutes later.

“A very long time ago, in a galaxy that now seems far away, we decided to outsource the majority of our political journalism to repeating government talking points on Brexit and to dumbing down the matter as much as possible to compete with the tabloids.”

He went on to explain that clearly,

“What happens with Angela Merkel in Germany is the most pressing factor in whether or not the EU superstate accept whatever hypothetical sum the idiots in government decide to offer, with strings attached, by way of furthering Brexit negotiations to the point where most major sectors of the economy depart Britain for the EU and the UK government gets to try and turn the country into a tax haven to make the backers of Brexit happy.”

Quite why the anonymous employee attempted to introduce some fact into a discussion that was predetermined to be largely nonsense is anyone’s guess.

“They may have picked up a subversive foreign muckraker that mentioned the trifling matter of Ireland and the border with NI? But that’s just a guess.”

UK to withdraw British agency of common sense from EU

LCD Views can proudly report great news for all British patriots and right thought citizens this morning with the announcement that the UK is to withdraw the British agency of common sense from continental Europe.

The BACS was established at the end of WW2 and agencies rapidly opened in major centres across Europe.

“It’s only right and proper that Britain responds to the betrayal by the EU encapsulated in the Withdrawal of EU agencies from British soil by withdrawing access to a vital British resource from the unelected plutocrats on Mars, I mean, in Europe,” a self appointed country redesigner who keeps most of his money in a tax haven commented phlegmatically.

The closure of the BACS agencies has already begun, indeed, has quietly been ongoing since the result of the Freedom and Independence Victory for the Chosen People of God referendum, held on June 23rd 2016.

“It’s a measure of the undimmed foresight of the British people that we began shooting ourselves in the foot long before any European took aim at our pinky,” Jacob Rees-mogg emerged from his ‘fathering recharging chamber’ to comment, to the exaltation of acolytes of the Brexit cult. He then went back inside and continued to imbibe vital essences.

Asked for a response to the devastating loss of British agencies of common sense, a representative of the tyranny across the waters shrugged and replied,

“I have been going into the agency outlets for months hoping to find some fresh common sense brochures on the display shelves, but always I find them either empty or plastered with xenophobic mind shit from your governing party’s coup leaders. These office spaces can be used to better effect. To lose what was already lost is not a fresh loss.”

Lies! They’ll miss our famous pragmatism and common sense as a nation now it’s gone!

“So will I…” murmured a small and largely unrepresented voice comprising 48% of the population, but we can ignore that voice because we’re a democracy!

Onward citizens! Take back control of all the office space! Victory awaits the bold Englishman who profits from uncertainty!

*The office of the prime minister would like us to add, they see no reason to open any BACS outlets in England to compensate for the closures.

£350M per week bus goes back into service as mobile food bank

Philip Hammond is rumoured to be setting aside £5.34 in Wednesday’s budget to buy and re-purpose the big red bus used in the EU ref campaign to spray the United Kingdom with a financial truth bomb and turn it into a mobile food bank.

LCD Views spoke to lead campaigner for this latest example of caring Conservatism to learn more about this initiative, even though it seems rather extravagant in a country with full employment.

“We aim to find the only hungry person in England and feed him,” Mr Johnson enthused, “once we’ve done that we will drive to Wales and repeat the miracle.”

It’s believed an entire new government ministry is to be established to administer the bus on its journey around the country at a minor cost of whatever it is we spend on Liam Fox’s vanity project currently.

It’s thought Mr Gove and Mr Davis are also competing to lead the automotive charge to fill the last hungry belly in the nation.

“After seven years of sound fiscal management everyone is filthy rich,” Mr Gove phoned our editor to assert, “the last hungry person is the fault of the last Labour government. They really did destroy life as we know it.Thank God we’re here.”

People will be encouraged to donate to the bus as a symbol of how united the country now is.

All donations can be made via increasing food costs and routed to high worth individuals via decreasing rates of corporation tax and other measures too boring to mention, then funnelled away to tax havens, where the food grows.

“We will be encouraging ordinary, hardworking, patriotic Britons to come out on the streets and wave the flag as the bus passes.”

It’s believed to get the full effect of being in the presence of the bus it is advised to stand really close to the exhaust and inhale.

“If you’re lucky, a little bit of the hot air and gas you inhale will once have belonged to Boris Johnson.”

Flags to wave can be purchased via an operation run out of Crimea. Get yours today!

Packet of mince challenges man to IQ test

David Davis, MP for Wreckxit, finds himself in hot water intellectually today after being challenged to an IQ test by a packet of mince.

“I’m fed up with comparisons between myself and that plonker,” the mince told LCD’s Political Genius correspondent.

“I know for a fact the taxpayer is shelling out millions for Davis to take shoelace tying lessons and there’s people saying he’s as thick as mince? I’m flexible. You can do a lot of different things with me, just try making Davis into a Swedish meatball and see how far you get?”

It seems the mince became so fed up with the repeated analogy only now as it’s become popular to use it while describing Davis’ handling of the negotiations with the EU.

“Him and me. Man on mince. Let’s settle this. He can choose the IQ test. If he’s too thick for that then let’s try having a time trial over who can fight their way out of a paper bag fastest.”

The mince asserts it is ready to go right now and is only waiting on Davis to agree.

“If he won’t take me on that settles it too.”

It’s believed the best place to take the IQ test is somewhere outdoors.

“Let’s do it where he feels comfortable. Standing on a crumbling footing of bollocks on a cliff edge overlooking jagged rocks. He’ll feel right at home.”

It was suggested they could settle it by both being measured for thickness and then discovering who was the exact same thickness as two short planks, but the planks weren’t having it.

Ministers take Blade Runner replicant test to weed out any Remaining humans

LCD Views has exciting news for defenders of democracy today with the news splash that all ministers in the current government are to undergo replicant tests to weed out any remaining humans from the cabinet.

“Its vitally important, as we move forward into the future, as one people with a unified purpose,” begins the press release from the Downing Street computer, “that we ensure only easily programmable robots are working for a certain megalomaniac, multi-agenda billionaire across the sea, on your behalf.”

The release goes on to explain that all serving ministers will be required to attend an interview this week with a ‘Blade Runner’ and undertake the Voight-Kampff test in reverse.

Questions in the test are expected to be similar to the following,

“Q. You see an opportunity to sell off portions of an NHS trust in a neglected area of the UK to a tax haven loving offshore billionaire, how does this make you feel?”

“Q. You have a chance to regain sovereignty, even though you never lost it, do you…”

“Q. An MP is butchered by a far right terrorist with a headful of fascist horror during the EU referendum campaign, do you take that as a warning of what rides with Brexit, or stand like a rabbit in the headlights as the far right coup strips your country of all international standing and threatens to destroy it economically and just vote with the government to facilitate Brexit?”

“Q. You hear the phrase, ‘You lost, get over it!’, how does it make you feel, knowing you are allowing a narrow win in an advisory referendum to be used as a mandate from God to ignore all evidence that the advice was stupid and based on lies, and just charge headfirst in the hope of turning the entire UK into a tax haven with no regulations, so very greedy men and women can get richer?”

“Q. You receive your 200th request to play ‘Candy Crush’, how does it make you feel?”

It’s unlikely any humans will be found remaining in the cabinet, but there maybe one or two taking shelter behind a hat stand.

“Johnson, Gove, Hunt, May and others will be exempt from the test,” the press release adds, “because the result is blindingly obvious.”

The government is planning to introduce pay-per-vote in time for the next election

The success of pay-per-view for sporting events, and pay-as-you-go for mobile phones, has prompted the latest government initiative. Pay-per-vote is being made available to anybody who only engages in democracy on an occasional basis, and will be in place by the next general election.

This is also part of the austerity drive. Less than 100% of the population actually uses their vote, so there is no need to waste scarce resources on providing votes that will go to waste.

The Department of Democracy Is What We Say It Is sent spokesminion Zuffar Ghreatli to explain. “”This is a great day for democracy!”” claimed Ghreatli. “”Now people can access democracy at the point of sale. We are proud to announce that the post-Brexit UK will be the world leader in democratic processes.””

The inspiration apparently came from Margaret Thatcher introducing charges for eye tests. “”Yes, I think everyone would be happy to pay a small contribution,”” confirmed Ghreatli. “”This will ensure that people receive the best possible democracy for their money.””

Under the new system, a second opinion is available. “”In fact, you may have as many votes as you wish,”” Ghreatli explained. ““It is your right to buy as many as you require. This can only be for the good of the country.””

The opposition was not amused. ““This move removes the franchise from the poor,”” read a statement issued by the Shadow Minister for Democracy Is What We Say It Is. ““It is a blatant affront upon democracy, and we heartily reject the government’s proposals unless they threaten us again.””

The Shadow Minister himself is believed to be suffering from Tourette’’s Apoplexy, and only able to communicate in outbursts of obscenities.

“”Nonsense, our scheme opens up democracy,”” countered Ghreatli. ““If you approve of a candidate, you may now cast, four, ten or even a hundred votes to demonstrate your approval. As a bonus, subscribers are exempt from pay-per-vote, and may vote as many times as they please on production of their subscription card.””

To subscribe to democracy, simply join the Conservative Party. Subscription charges are as little as £50,000 per annum.

Government announces result of EU referendum 2016 will be result of all future elections

The government has moved to quell concerns that the democratic “will of the people” maybe overturned by undemocratic actions, such as a different preference being expressed by a majority of better informed people, by moving to enshrine in law the result of the EU referendum 2016.

“You know when you make up your mind about something then you’ve made up your mind about it forever,” a spokes-idiot for Downing Street informed a press corp, that may have contained some traitorous subversives.

“The people have decided so the people have decided.”

When asked if that was how a democratic system operated, the answer was quick to come and well thought through.

“The people have decided so the people have decided.”

Reassurance was given in the promise to still hold elections as expected, or even as not expected, but registered voters will be given a copy of the ballot paper they used on the 23rd June 2016.

“Don’t worry about mix ups. Everyone has now come behind Theresa May’s government and Brexit, so everyone will receive the same, pre-marked ballot paper to put in a ballot box.

“We’ll also be pre-stuffing the ballot box with spares in case people can’t make it to their polling station on the day. Say, people who haven’t registered as a member of a pre-approved political party. That party is the party of government. That’s the party you vote for. That’s democracy now.”

Further questions were raised by treasonous people who should be silenced, such as,

“How can you even hope to get a law change like this through parliament?”

This was answered by laughter and a question in return,

“When has the opposition party failed to support Brexit?”

Followed up with a statement,

“We are really looking forward to having those Henry VIII powers.”

The people have decided so the people have decided was then played on a loop tape and will continue to play until everyone understands that they have already decided what the people have decided.

LCD Views is pleased to support the government message and to remind you, that you have decided. Even if you haven’t, you have now.

We are all now united in Brexit. It’s what the people have decided, which is how autocrats explain to you what you have decided.