LCD Views

Global Britain’s Field marshall was said to be “blazing”, “fuming”, “crackling”, “red hot with rage” and producing a lot of heat today (although not a lot of fire) after the portrait of himself he commissioned turned out more accurate than anticipated.

The painting, which Williamson intended to hang behind his desk at the MOD, is likely to be sat gathering dust, due to a representation of the the UK’s defence minister that critics have described as “dazzlingly vivid, with a searing honesty in the accuracy of the individual and his work”.

LCD Views’ own art critic has viewed the painting and had this to say,

“You can see why Williamson is upset,” Mr Art Kritic said, “I have it on good authority that the painting was supposed to intimidate high ranking military officers when they entered Williamson’s office (which he’s nicknamed ‘high command’) to tell him that all his initiatives were ‘batshit’ crazy. But the artist riffed on Williamson the man, clearly it was a mistake to commission the painting from someone known as an auteur who likes to get to the heart of the matter.”

It seems Williamson wanted a sci-fi theme and himself painted snarling, in leather fighting brogues and a g-string, holding a laser spear and riding a giant tarantula across a Martian like landscape.

“But instead, as soon as the artist heard Gav say he wanted the name ‘Marengo’ painted in script on the abdomen of the tarantula, he got ideas of his own.”

But all may not be lost for the work, painted with a mixture of oily self-promotion mixed with unadulterated horseshit, as it’s likely to end up on Ebay where bidding will be fierce.

“I expect a lot of interest from Russian bidders, mostly wanting it as something to laugh at,” our critic muses, “but Gavin will fancy that as a compliment. So many other Tory MPs have had oodles of Russian money poured into their pockets, why not me too? He may well be thinking.”

Fierceless defender of human rights and the MP judged second most likely to get changed for work in a phone box, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary, has broken short a family holiday to confirm via Skype that the collage of the Battle of Salamis, 1066 and the D Day landings is an accurate picture of the refugee landings at Dover.

”Britons need to be ready to defend their homes against a wave of invasion,” we think he said, it was hard to tell as he seemed distracted by the possibility of using xenophobia and half a dozen desperate people in a boat to become prime minister,

“millions upon millions of people are preparing to swamp our shores in search of a better climate. They’re fed up with the French climate. They are greedily eying up ours,

”This is a major crisis. They will steal GMT if not repulsed. And that’s an atomic clock. Clearly they’re going to make an atomic bomb and threaten us with the end of time unless they’re allowed to queue jump ahead of hard working British taxpayers and get a luxury council home for a family of ten and more on benefits than you, the hardworking British taxpayer, earn. We didn’t tighten our belts through austerity just to waste money now saving lives.”

But surely the collage photo, produced by your department and released through the media is just hyping up a situation that has been occurring for years? And is a non-surprising result of making arms sales a pillar of our economic and foreign policy?

”When I’m prime minister you will be imprisoned for such talk.”

Excuse me?

”Sorry. Now I’ve dealt with the ECONOMIC MIGRANT CRISIS I’m going to change back into my holiday clothes.”

Good idea. There’s nothing else that needs doing.

”Oh damn.”

What’s the matter?

”Jeremy Corbyn is in the phone box and he never comes out. It’s okay Jezza, the story is not about the scandalous treatment of EU nationals, it’s about refugees, you can stop hiding and get your intern to post on Twitter!”

Voting rights are to be confined to ‘worthy’ people only after Brexit. The news leaked out while the country was busy looking the other way. Income really is the only official measure of one’s worthiness these days.

Home Office spokestit Rich Vota-Zonlie took a few moments out of his busy schedule of getting drunk to explain.

“The government is anxious to ensure that voter fraud is eliminated,” he warbled. “Or at least, controlled by the right people. Voting is a highly skilled matter. Therefore, since skill and a decent pay cheque are the same thing, the franchise will be earned by attaining a minimum income of £30,000.”

But how can this be permitted? The right of an adult to vote has been enshrined in law for a century now. There will be uproar.

“Yes, but it won’t count because they will be ineligible to vote,” explained Vota-Zonlie. “We can chuck them a bit of bread and order the army to disperse them.”

Will skilled workers coming into the country new allowed to vote?

“Of course,” he replied. “Success brings rights and privileges, that’s the very definition of success. Why work hard, only to discover that the idle spongers are your equals? It’s a disincentive to succeed.”

This is a kick in the teeth for poor people who voted for Brexit.

“The People have spoken, and, with a bit of imagination, said exactly what we wanted them to say,” said Vota-Zonlie. “It is their responsibility to bear. The well-off will be rewarded for choosing Brexit, and the plebs will have their selfless decision to cede what little power they had to the ruling class immortalised as the Final Vote.”

Money is already being diverted from the Universal Credit budget to pay for a statue of The Honest Brexit Serf. This will be installed permanently on the vacant plinth in Trafalgar Square.

Jeremy Corbyn is already condemning the move, instead suggesting that there should be “a” franchise restriction.

Irked at constant references likening them to inept politicians, British clowns are fighting back and plan to take their argument direct to the British people.

Addressing a public meeting in parliament square a red nosed, white faced Mr Jolly, resplendent in an outrageously colourful checked suit, and taking time off from a toddlers Xmas party, did not mince words.

“We’ve really had it with the incessant snide comparisons to this Brexit chaos in parliament – IT’S NOT OUR CIRCUS, THEY’RE NOT OUR MONKEYS,” he snarled.

British clowns, he explained, are no longer prepared to accept “jobist” insults.

“We succeed in making people laugh as the result of years of specialist training and experience, not through the sheer blind incompetence, dishonesty and self interest displayed by our “so called” elected representatives ,” he said, pointing out that the majority of safe parliamentary seats are allocated to “party insiders” through nothing more taxing than nepotism and sycophancy.

“We have to work had to get our jobs –  there’s more to clowning than putting on a funny suit and make up,” he shouted adding that British clowns are considering taking their appeal direct to the British people.

“We’ve thought about setting up our own political party to contest the next election,” he said.

“What’s stopping us is that the Labour party has all the momentum of a collapsing clown car meaning there is a strong chance we’d actually win and be forced to form a government, ” he laughed, explaining that for a party of REAL clowns, this might prove difficult.

“Parliamentary dress code requires male members to wear “business-like attire”  rather than loud clashing checks and revolving bow ties – although oddly the same rules don’t seem to apply to Theresa May,” he laughed.