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Yersinia pestis renamed in honour of United Kingdom’s international activities 2016 to present

Contagious news for lovers of changing global reputations today with the announcement that famous bacterium, Yersinia pestis, has been renamed in honour of the United Kingdom’s achievements from 2016 to present.

”It needs a gong,” Professor Caut Redutebatur told LCD Views, “the work you as a country have been doing on the global stage. I mean, just wow, it’s so irresistible, you’ve now former ministers of state wanting to threaten allies and friends with food blackmail. Priti Patel is quite something, in such a crowded field too, a proper pustule. but that’s just the bursting cherry on top. From the moment Theresa May personally decided to trigger Article 50, very likely in a non-constitutional way, just because she hates foreigners? Such a public statement by an entire country? It’s like sneezes on everyone at the dinner table all at once just after telling them you’ve TB! So, a plague upon your houses! Ha! Have an award!”

The change in name will be automatically applied globally from midday today.

”It’s going to be retrospective too, just to really rub the old tincture in. Now when kids learn about the great plagues, they’ll be reading your name instead. It’s only fitting, it’s got to catch with or without the help of flea bearing rats. Especially when you run out the possibilities of what Brexit unleashes. A plague upon everyone’s houses! Ha!”

To find out the reaction to the change to the famous diseases name we decided to talk to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. World renowned experts in this field.

”Hello?” Iain Duncan Smith answered the phone, “is it me, David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or an international clique of kleptomaniac fascists you’re looking for?”

You’ll do Iain, what do you think?

”A tissue, a tissue,” he replied, “thanks to Brexsinia brexit, we all fall down.”

If only there was a cure…

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Paul Nuttall quits UKIP to save O2

Paul Nuttall is back in the headlines today (although is he ever out of them?) after announcing he is quitting UKIP to save the troubled O2 mobile phone network.

At a packed press conference outside 10 Downing Street Paul spoke of why he is doing what he is:

”I told Theresa when she begged me to come and see her today that I’m here to renegotiate Brexit for you,” Paul said, while balancing a rare Ming vase on his nose, “that I was gonna walk right up to Barnier and twist his beak between my fingers or toes.”

But it seems he now has different plans for the day?

”But that’ll only keep a superman like me busy till lunch time, so I’ve got to fill the afternoon slot somehow.”

And fill it he will.

”12 to 1 I am wrapping up the Mueller inquiry and finding Britain’s greatest friend Trump innocent. 1 to 2 I’m taking the Tranmere Rovers all the way into the premier league and to glory. 3 to 4 I’m making Labour electable, by request, in the upcoming GE with the pro-Brexit agenda that doesn’t differentiate them from the Tories on the greatest challenge faced by the Koch brothers and ensures that even a Labour Brexit robs us all of FOM but not 27 other countries. After that I’ve to prove I climbed Everest befoe that imposter from New Zealand,

“So I’ve got time between 2 and 3. Paul, I asked myself, why not save O2?”

Why not indeed. Although some people jealous of Mr Nuttall’s powers have suggested there’s an even simpler way he could save that much oxygen.

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Pornhub drops offer to host May vs Corbyn naked mud wrestling

Online pornography platform Pornhub has abandoned controversial plans to host a naked mud wrestling contest between prime Minister Theresa May and Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking to LCD Views, company spokesman John “King Dong” Johnson confirmed that having researched “Brexit” and discovered that the letter X wasn’t substituting for anything naughty, the company had decided to abandon the idea.

“We had thought that a couple of grey wrinklies going at it like rabbits in custard would sell well, but neither is prepared to wear bodycams and crotch-mics which would dramatically reduce market appeal,” he explained.

The Canadian smut site had stepped in after both the BBC and ITV had given up on plans to broadcast a serious political debate because the two leaders refused to agree on a format.

The debate was subsequently pitched to Channel Five and Dave but both rejected the offer on the grounds that none of their viewers would have any idea who either of the participants were.

“Neither of them has been in Red Dwarf or on Top Gear, so it was a complete non starter,” explained Dave CEO, David Davies.

A spokesman for Labour’s national committee denied that it had been consulted over the Pornhub offer.

“Not that it matters, Jeremy’s already dragged the party name through the mud,” he shrugged.

A spokesman for Theresa May’s office confirmed that the Prime Minister was still available for a live TV debate providing the right format could be found.

“She’s up for anything that doesn’t involve Boris Johnson or removing her thermals, and as long as the result is purely advisory and non binding, like the Brexit referendum,” he explained.

“Not that she’ll give a toss anyway,” he conceded.

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Britain investing £100bn on developing multipurpose round thing

Britain is leading the world once again. Freedom from the EU releases funds to invest in R&D. The principal subject for development is a versatile and efficient circular device, codenamed “The Round Thing”.

Designers have already been hard at work on this project. Much thought has been given to funky shapes and vibrant colours.

“It’s all a bit sixties, man,” droned Round Thing developer Axel Turner. “But you know, what goes around comes around, and it’s my turn now.”

Elsewhere, senior managers were justifying their enormous salaries by producing hundreds of PowerPoint slides. These demonstrate, in great detail, why the new Round Thing is superior to the bog-standard EU version.

“We are free to place the hub of the Round Thing wherever we choose,” explained Turner. “EU restrictions insist upon a central hub and a perfectly circular edge. Some of our more radical designs include corners. It’s a completely new spin on traditional Round Things.”

The implications are massive. EU standard Round Things are currently included in virtually all machinery. “The EU is going to have to incorporate the new Round Things in their products, or risk losing our business!” predicts Turner elliptically.

“The new British standard Round Things will be incorporated into the curriculum,” declared education minister Cain Thelottathem. “Non-Euclidean geometry will be a requirement in primary schools, and compasses and protractors will be abolished.”

This is good news for manufacturers of square plates, and heralds the return of seventies icon, the Austin Allegro.

Some have raised objections, pointing out that the circular objects currently in use work perfectly well, and can’t understand why the country should want to spend so much on an inferior product.

“That’s just project fear,” claimed Turner. “These people fail to realise what considerable upsides there are in supporting true British eccentricity.”

Eccentric, like the motion of the new Round Things. It’s almost like reinventing the wheel.

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Local man worries free food fad will only make the poor more work shy

A local man best known for championing outlawing curtains for the working poor, and the unemployed, so upright members of the community can see how long they’re sleeping in, has expressed a new concern today.

”All these fountains of free food that are springing up everywhere are only going to make the poor classes even more work shy,” Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, while removing a bag of pasta from a charitable food bin,

“see this packet of pasta here? A layabout can last a week on that, if they manage to steal some water to cook it in. Having said that, that’s probably even too much extortion from a moral incurable. They’ll most likely just eat it raw before shoplifting some high strength cider. Anything to avoid going to work that type. And that’s just the children, heaven knows what the parents must be like?”

But what does the Tory MP intend to do with the pasta, now he’s secured it?

”Why burn it of course. Hopefully on College Green, if the BBC have left any space after the construction of their tower blocks to ensure no one actually accidentally sees an anti-Brexit protestor during a live interview with a useful idiot for Brexit.”

Surely burning food that could feed a hungry family isn’t a way to win support for his policies?

”I didn’t rise to the elite levels of the chumocracy by being stupid,” IDS said, unconvincingly, “I did it by phoning up the right people and mentioning my relatives.”

That doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the poor.

”Of course it does,” he retorted, “I look down them constantly. I know what they’re up to, pretending you can’t feed a family on universal credit. Just trying to game the system. Now hand me that packet of matches and let’s teach them a lesson in compassionate conservatism they won’t forget,

”Make sure you take a picture while we’re at it, so people know we’re paying attention to the problems, like food poverty in the sixth richest economy in the world, that we had absolutely nothing to do in causing. Getting rid of free food will make it easier for poor people to tighten their belts too. It’s a total win.”

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Nigel Farage quits UKIP to concentrate on frontline politics

Nigel Farage, the allegedly charismatic face of closet gammons everywhere, has made his move. Having seduced the Conservative Party, put the wind up David Cameron and secured his reputation as a rentagobshite, resigning from UKIP is his latest desperate attempt to remain relevant.

His beloved Brexit is, at time of publication, collapsing in a tragicomical manner. UKIP has been reduced to a laughing stock, and is flirting with the entitled thug Tommy Robinson. This is a racist lurch too far even for Farage, who prefers his fascists to wear a suit.

“It’s time I returned to mainstream politics!” coughed the man himself, dragging on a Capstan Full Strength outside The Old Bull And Shit. “UKIP is no longer a suitable vehicle for my unrealistic fantasies. I only formed the party in an effort to seduce Katie Hopkins!”

Which begs the question, what does an MEP who rarely attends sessions, has quit his own party, and has his mucky fingers in more pies than Little Jack Horner, do now?

“Well, the obvious choice is to become Prime Minister!” Farage wheezes, chugging on his IPA. “Frontline means frontline. I could walk into the job tomorrow!”

That would mean an election. Or, put another way, it means allowing The People to vote again.

“Not at all!” spluttered Farage, stifling a belch. “It’s not a big deal. It will be the easiest deal in history. I need a disgruntled constituency party to deselect their sitting MP. Someone like Chris Grayling, or Nadine Dorries, or Andrew Bridgen, someone that nobody’s ever going to miss. Walk up to Number Ten, knock on the door, tell Theresa to do one. Cushty!”

Nobody is sure why Farage want to do this. He has a cushy number already, sucking on the EU’s teat while broadcasting bile to the nation on LBC Radio, and a weekly guest spot on BBC Question Time. His stock has fallen like gravy on the floor.

Brexit is at Breaking Point. Nigel Farage may be the man to break it for good.

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Brexiters angry as Take Back Control means Take Back Control

Brexiters are in a bad mood after the recent government defeats. Those who fought under the banner of “Let’s take back control! are disgruntled because parliament has taken back control.

The issue of parliamentary sovereignty is also causing concern. LCD Views’ Moaning Minnie correspondent spoke to leading Brexiter, Wynn Jing, about the matters.

“Sovereignty was always a handy buzz-word,” sniffles Jing. “Nobody knew what it meant before the referendum, it just sounded nice and evoked Queen and Country. It was a handy thing to chuck at the evil EU. But none of us, in our darkest dreams, ever expected parliament to exert its sovereignty in this treacherous manner, getting in the way of our precious Brexit!”

It’s a nice irony, we contended, that Brexit is falling apart upon taking back control, which the likes of you campaigned for.

“It’s not fair!” wailed Jing. “Parliament shouldn’t stand in our way! The People voted, remember, The People voted, and the government works for The People!”

And parliament is there to debate and refine proposals put forward by the government. That’s the whole point.

“Parliament should be abolished then, in the name of democracy,” said Jing sulkily. “Democracy is like cream cakes, you can have too much of a good thing, and it leaves you bloated and feeling sick!”

You wanted to take back control, and have parliamentary sovereignty. Both have been in evidence. What’s the big problem?

“It’s no good if we don’t get our own way,” sobbed Jing. “Jacob Rees-Mogg has threatened to send Nanny over to knock a few heads together.”

Back to the Nanny state, we jested.

“It’s not funny!” cried Jing, rolling on his back and kicking the bars of his playpen. “I want my Brexit, and I want it now! I WANT MY BRRRRREEEEXXXIIIITTTT!”

Nanny has been instructed by parliament to remove all the crying man-babies (and woman-babies, let’s not be sexist), give them all a clip round the ear, and send them back to the school of hard knocks.

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‪Astronomers confirm Planet Raab is inhabited solely by idiots‬

“It’s located near the ERG blackhole and has a brittle, metallic crust over a hollow sphere,” Astronomer, Prof Demo Crazy, told our “Space is Amaaaaazing” correspondent, during an interview to discuss the latest findings concerning Planet Raab, “and what’s even more exciting…”

Don’t keep us in suspenders…

“Actually firstly, I should tell you more about Planet Raab’s surroundings. There’s some dull points of interest, but it’s mostly empty space. Shall I go on?”

Of course. It won’t be much of an interview if you don’t.

“Planet Raab is located in the Idiocy Cluster of red dwarf and dim yellow stars. The cluster is far to the right of our solar system, in its usual rotation, and contains famous comets like H-OnlyhadoneBall and Farage-Hedidn’tloseitinaWarhe’sjustasolitaryballBag.”

Our readership already knows these things. Give us a scoop prof!

“It’s inhabited.”

Get out of here! By intelligent life?

(The interview was paused for several minutes. The interviewee laughed so hard at the naive question from our so called science correspondent that they needed time out to recover.)

“What on earth made you ask that question?”

Please don’t patronise me.

“Seriously? I know the age of experts is apparently over, but oh my god.”

Can you just answer the question please? Is Planet Raab inhabited by intelligent life?

“That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever been asked. And I can tell you, since Dave ‘wonder’ Cameron proved too chickenshit to take on a minority of furious racists and deluded imperial fantasists in his party, and turned the UK into a steaming casserole of nonsense, I’ve been asked some pretty dumb things!”

You don’t need to take this out on me, you know? I’m on your side.

“Okay. I’m sorry. Ask your question again and I’ll answer it.”

Is Planet Raab inhabited by intelligent life?

“No. It’s inhabited solely by idiots.”

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Farage Quits UK – blames rise of far right

Former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has announced that he is leaving the UK.

Speaking to reporters outside the Dover entrance to the channel Tunnel, suitcase in hand, Farage explained that he had become increasingly uncomfortable with the continuing rise of the far right and the increasing intolerance of anyone of differing ethnicity or religious beliefs.

“As someone with a rather obviously French surname, a first name derived from the Latin word for black and a recently issued burgundy German passport, I just don’t feel safe in this country any more,” explained a tearful Farage.

“If only we could identify why this has happened and do something about it, ” he wailed, complaining tearfully that instead of dealing with this rising tide of hatred all the career politicians care about is how to get re-elected without being outed as a hypocrites over their flip-flopping support for Brexit.

Farage confirmed that his departure from British shores would see him give up his radio show on LBC as well as his full time seat on the BBC’s Question Time and that he planed to start a new life in Slovenia, where his good friend President Trump had arranged an introduction to a close relative of the first lady Melanoma.

“If Slovenia’s good enough for Trump, it’s good enough for me,” mused Farage, whose German wife recently divorced him after he threatened to have her deported for leaving her towel in the bathroom before him.

Picking up his suitcase Farage bid a tearful farewell to the assembled press throng and glugging a final gulp of nut brown English ale,  strode manfully towards the tunnel entrance.

Pausing for a final wave he noticed a pair of dark skinned illegal immigrants emerging into the cold light of the English dawn.

“Good luck to mates, you’ll bloody well need it”, he wept, hugging both to his chest before disappearing into the darkness.

 

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Theresa May to call snap GE and promise strong and stable government, again

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced today she is to call a snap general election in order to increase, once again, her commons majority.

“Once the people of the United Kingdom overwhelm me with the level of support they have for my Brexit deal, which I assume to be very strong, because I’m locked in a sensory deprivation chamber, I will be able to force it through and force down whatever else I decide to into the guts of the country.”

As part of the campaign to prove how popular she still is, the prime minister will be conducting her travelling election campaign solely in the country’s grave yards. This will have the added benefit of not bringing her face to face with anyone living and risk catching their germs.

But what catchphrase will she parade under this time?

“I am gong to promise strong and stable government, again. Not because I’m a blinkered, empathy and intuit free wasteland, but because people need to know they risk chaos under a hung parliament where minor parties form a coalition government with an agreement to revoke Article 50 and begin counting the cost of years of hard right sociopathy.”

But that’s not all.

”I will say further, as I tell you today, the people of the United Kingdom have a choice of continuing a funny kind of strong and stable government under me, or chaos under Ed Milliband.”

Asked to comment on the shock announcement a spokesman for Labour’s front bench said the following,

”Jeremy is going to promise a jobs first Brexit. There’s no chance we’ll get the swing vote needed for a majority. So she may as well try her hand. Who knows, she may end up with a slim majority if we stick with Lexit.”

So that’s nice then.