LCD Views

The use of common sense is officially permitted now, thanks to an EU ruling last night by a top law officer.

In one of those statements that shouldn’t be necessary yet somehow always is, top court advisor Paya Tenschen addressed the assembled media:

“It has been officially confirmed tonight that any country is permitted to use common sense when making crucial decisions. It does not constitute cheating or fraud of any kind, and is perfectly acceptable.”

The argument of whether common sense could be used in political decision-making has been going on for many years, but especially since 2016., with many politicians, notably Michael Gove, arguing passionately against it.
Indeed most tory politicians have been put off its use by the presence of the word ‘common’ in the description.

The name is actually a misnomer as it has been proven that few people in reality possess it, and many lexicographers have argued that it should be renamed. The only trouble is, the alternatives have their own problems.

The suggestion of Privileged Sense has been vetoed strongly despite being championed by politicians like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The name Minority Sense has been discarded because of potential issues with the far-right’s racist attitudes, as personified by the likes of Tommy Robinson.

The idea of calling it Miracle Sense has been abandoned due to potential religious connotations.

The option of renaming it Uncommon Sense is still on the table but could still lead to slips of the tongue.

Whatever its name will be, the fate of common sense is looking brighter all the time. Its future is bright, but definitely not orange.

The Metropolitan Police have announced plans to combat manpower reductions by deploying a new force of “Holographic Police”.

Speaking to reporters via Skype Metropolitan Police commissioner Cressida Dick explained that given the rapidly increasing rates of online crime it is only right that the Police should be allowed to “fight fire with fire”.

“Given that the government has lost touch with reality, and slashed our funding there is virtually nothing we can do about rising crime rates, so we felt it was only right that we start deploying “virtual” police officers,” she said pointing out that the great advantage with holograms is that they can be kitted out with the most terrifying of hardware without the fear of them actually killing or maiming anyone.

“So machine guns, gas grenades, anti tank weapons…but no more messy, wrongful killing trials or costly compensation payments – peachy,” she smiled.

Commenting on the radical move Home Secretary Sajid Javid confirmed that the government plans to begin rolling out the new virtual police force across the whole country just as soon as the funds are available.

“Obviously London and the home counties come first, because no one north of Watford is expected to vote Tory after the post Brexit economic collapse,” he explained.

“But we will be supplying provincial forces with slide projectors and some very realistic cardboard cut outs, to tide them over until new funding is available” he said explaining that a new round of unfulfilable spending promises painted on the sides of buses is expected any day now.

Your wise and wonderful government has hit on the perfect wheeze to solve the problem of the Irish Border.

”We’re going to deny there even is a Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland or even The Irish Sea,” Theresa Villiers, former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland told LCD Views, “this also removes a job title from my CV that frankly I’ve been baffled by since it appeared there.”

The decision to deny the existence of Northern Ireland not only puts to rest the border problem, it alleviates the need to scramble about inventing unlikely technological solutions to a problem created solely by the government.

”It’ll get Arlene Foster off Theresa May’s case too,” Mrs Villiers added, “now Ms May can get on just taking her orders from Rupert Murdoch, just like old times.”

But what about the people who say ignoring the existence of massive problems created intentionally by government policy won’t actually solve them?

”It certainly solves them for us!” The forever Secretary of State for Somewhere that doesn’t exist snapped back.

Presumably you could apply the same solution to other non-problems, like homelessness, in work poverty, climate change, underfunding of schools leading to increased taxation by way of schools having to levy fees directly onto hard pressed parents.

”All sorted,” Mrs Villiers clicked her fingers, “just like that. Most problems are really only problems if you think about them.”

And you don’t do that?

”No one in government does. It’s better that way for everyone. But before we go I have to correct you on one point.”

Which is?

”The people created the problems, not the government. They elected us in the first place.”

Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.

”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”

Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,

”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”

Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.

”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”

She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,

”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”

Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,

”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”

Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.

Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.

LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.

“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”

That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.

“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”

Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”

This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.

Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.