UK version of Galileo to operate in the space between Boris Johnson’s ears

One of the unexpected bonuses of Brexit is the opportunity to fund, design and build a GPS system from scratch. Obviously, the EU will not be able to access it, so it will operate in the timeless void that is Boris Johnson’s head.

Initial designs seen by LCD Views indicate that UK Galileo will operate by clockwork and be calibrated in Imperial units. The construction process is top secret, but GCHQ has already stockpiled quantities of timber and nails.

The British project has already been named the Hoyle Project, in honour of plucky British scientist Sir Fred Hoyle. Hoyle always tried hard, but so often got it wrong.

Technology expert Dick Klever was on hand to unravel the mysteries of the project. “Already we can see the Britishness of the project,” claims Klever. “English oak, nails made in Birmingham, Sheffield steel, and a large selection of pies.”

Ignoring the fact that nails haven’t been made in Birmingham for many years, what’s the deal with sending pasties into space?

“That’s the really good bit!” exclaims Klever. “We will send pies into the sky for real.”

That makes perfect sense, but why do the designs show that the finished product will be arch-shaped?

“The Hoyle project aims to bridge the gap between Johnson’s ears, and also, more ambitiously, the gap between Brexiter fantasy and cold hard facts,” explained Klever. “Also, there is a potato-shaped section, named the Bridgen bridge. It forms a Bridgen over untroubled thought.”

But surely, there is not much physical space between Boris Johnson’s ears?

“It’s like the TARDIS,” said Klever patiently. “There’s an almost infinite void inside, augmented by the so-called Bridgen Area. Hoyle should transmit impractical, elevated concepts into the blond receptor for many years to come.”

The only stumbling block is the difficulty of finding a half-decent carpenter who has not found work by jumping a queue.

Theresa May now the only person in the UK who believes in Brexit

An opinion poll, based on a sample of 65m UK citizens, has revealed that the only person in the country who still believes in Brexit is Theresa May herself.

The poll was conducted via social media, principally Twitter. Everyone in the country was given the opportunity to vote, using the YouTwit app. Cheaper, and therefore better, than a referendum, the result was unexpected.

In the end, 65m people responded. “That means everyone voted,” claims completely and absolutely unbiased pollster Holden Hands. “The only response in favour of Brexit was electronically traced to a bunker under 10 Downing Street, and came from a mobile phone belonging to the Prime Minister.”

This comes in the wake of erstwhile Brexit Secretary, Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab, declaring that the UK would be better off in the EU. Here is the real Brexit Dividend. There is more rejoicing in Britain over one Brexiter who repents than 99 who were always Remainers.

Brexiters are now falling faster than autumn leavers. The bare bones of Brexit are exposed to the harsh winds of reality, leaving a mouldy mess of rotting leavers on the streets.

“We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” said May mechanically, for the millionth time today, convincing nobody but herself. As platitude followed platitude, seasoned with a series of lame, tired slogans, it became clear May was going through the motions. Much like a walker trampling through fallen leaves concealing nuggets of dog poo.

The only ray of hope came from the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. A man who has sat on the fence for so long that the splinters have become permanently incorporated into his buttocks, he refused to either praise or condemn May. “We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” he read from a pamphlet entitled The Collected Speech Of Theresa May. “But her deal fails our six tests, so I don’t really know any more. Sorry.”

Everyone knows Brexit is an abject failure now. Only one issue remains. Who the hell’s going to tell Theresa?

Government minister fired for telling the truth

Honesty is not the best policy for a policy maker. A minister of the crown has been sacked for giving a straight answer to a straight question.

Anything is believable in this Parliament of Batshit Crazies, so long as it is unbelievable. Ministers have resigned over the truth before, never has one been removed from office because of it.

Work & Pensions minister Liza Faluzers is the minister in question. The question in question was, “Do you agree that poverty in the UK is a political decision?” The answer in question was “Yes”.

Her erstwhile boss, the resurrected Amber Rudd, had attacked the recent UN poverty report. Going on a charmless offensive, she dismissed the report on the grounds that she “didn’t like its tone”. In other words, it was direct and strongly worded. “It was totally unacceptable,” said Rudd’s mouthpiece Wat Awopper. “Our true motives must never be revealed.”

Faluzers made the admission that sealed her fate on BBC Question Time. At the end of the show she was whisked away to Number Ten to receive her P45.

“I was shocked!” Faluzers told LCD Views. “I went into politics to make a difference to people’s lives, to uphold their rights and fight their corner in parliament. The government is working against the people, in the interests of money hoarders. Brexit is part of the plan. And, by the way, Brexit is monumentally f***ing stupid.”

The event is set to send seismic waves through the Conservative Party. Are you, or have you ever been, honest? Lie detectors are being deployed, and anyone who can beat one will be expelled from the party.

Faluzers’ constituency, Pants-on-Fyre, has deselected her.

“It is a great shame”, remarked Amber Rudd. “We have lost an able team member and friend.” The lie detector buzzed reassuringly.

Meanwhile, cabinet meetings have been abandoned as nobody can hear over the racket made by the lie detectors.

British fish caught and eaten by Frenchman to be extradited and tried for treason

SACRE BLUR : LCD Views can report today on a completely ignored clause in Theresa Mayhem’s draft Withdrawal Agreement with the fishing superpower the EU. The fishy agreement came into force already, being legally non-dependent on the WA being passed, and having been overlooked by Boris Johnson’s non-government.

“While all the usual pundits and rent-a-gobs were banging on about automanufacturing and the much salivated end of FOM for U.K. nationals to 27 countries, and 500M suckers to one country, no one has paid much attention to Clause 101.B-666A3, paragraph 97.1, which deals with the reciprocal legal rights and obligations governing nomadic, nation state wildlife,” Professor A Lawyer said, “and this is a win for the ultra-nationalists currently governing the U.K. Be in no doubt.”

For it seems within the scandalously ignored clause is detail as to how British fish, caught by Frenchmen, are to be extradited back to mainland U.K. and tried for treason.

”All British fish are fully aware that while they may swim into waters once controlled by Britannia, in the time of our control by the Normans, they must return to British waters to be caught. To be caught by a foreign net is essentially treason. The U.K. is pulling out of the joint extradition treaty with the EU, so they have to keep any of our OAP criminals on the Costa del Sol, but an exception has been made specifically for fish.”

The exception itself was a chief demand of the Prime Minister.

”From the 30th March 2019 any proper British fish caught by a Frenchman will be extradited to face justice at home.”

Trials will be held in the Old Bailey and should take less than a week to conduct.

”Capital punishment will be the sentence for all British fish guilty of treason.”

But how will the fish survive out of water to stand in the dock?

”They’ll just have to hold their breath after Brexit,” our legal eagle shrugged, “just like the rest of us.”

Global Britain’s youth ecstatic about fighting to get back FOM after Brexit

Global Britain’s children have spoken with one voice today to say how ecstatic they are about fighting to get back freedom of movement after Brexit.

The loss of freedom of movement for UK citizens (without EU27 spouses or the massive amount of cash needed to buy a second nationality, say, like a wealthy Brexiter does) is one of the main gains of prime minister Theresa May’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

“It’s mintox to the max!” A Generic-Young-Person told LCD View’s Down wit Youff correspondent,

“it’s like totally worth it. To have the only tangible benefit of the Brexit process being that UK citizens are stripped of the FOM right to about thirty countries, and dozens of countries are stripped of it in one, just so the UK’s political leaders can tell foreigners to jog on mate, Global Britain don’t like your type yeah, I mean what a win. We’re winners. Totally. We’re not racists, but…”

Other youth were also mad with joy about it.

“The EU is racist yeah,” A Lexit-Child chipped in, “it like totally bars us from letting someone from the developing world come to the UK. We have to give all our jobs to Europeans. The EU forces us to keep out people outside of the bloc. They’re just vile. I’ll be happy stuck at home watching the job I can’t do, because education is undervalued and underinvested in by the UK government, and now thanks to tuition fees, out-priced for many, I’ll be happy watching that job go to someone from anywhere but an EU country while I queue to say there is no damn way I’m picking fruit, it’s beneath me.”

Ms May is certain to be buoyed by the outpouring of support for her Brexit deal by the country’s young.

“It’s great,” A Sober-Teen said, “you read about the civil rights movements of the 60’s and think, damn, what have we got to fight for? Now, with Brexit, we can fight to get back not only our parliamentary democracy, so obviously corrupted by kleptocratic cash, but also that giant mountain of rights the old shits running both Cons and Labour took away from us as they fought to impose savage ideology on us and keep us bloody well at home to do it.”

But it’s not really a fair fight or level playing field. As it’s damn certain any millionaire backing Brexiter will just buy their kids a burgundy passport.

“That’ll just fire me up more, seeing accident of birth in action, as rich Tory kids swan off to jobs on the continent while I’m shouting ‘Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!’. I’m well up for it. It’s the way Britain is supposed to be. Surface appearance of equality and class system all the way underneath.”

Andrew Bridgen replaced by the Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch of Spud-U-Like

The shocking news has come in the wake of revelations that Bridgen is considered “thick as mash” by his colleagues. Now his constituency wants to be represented instead by the popular jacket potato outlet.

Mr Potato Head has had his chips. Bridgen is now sulking because a vote didn’t go his way, and he is threatening to vote against his own government, and his own Brexit, in revenge. To the good citizens of North-West Brexitshire, this is a Bridgen too far. He who pays the Maris Piper calls the tune.

So in future, the shop famous for selling baked potatoes will replace the shit famous for selling half-baked policies.

LCD Views was fortunate enough to speak to the manager of Spud-U-Like’s Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch, Stu Piddity. “It’s a great honour for the branch,” he remarked. “Of course, the shop will not be able to attend at Westminster, but we are thinking of opening a satellite franchise in the Members’ Lobby to provide tasty, nutritious snacks for our hard-pressed MPs.”

How will that work in practice, then, if the admittedly animate Bridgen has been replaced with an inanimate building? “Simple,” replied Piddity. “The shop will receive a live stream via some technological gizmo, YouTuber, or some such. Then the shop will vote by sending one spud for yes, two spuds for no.”

One potato, two potato? “Yeah, that’s right,” said Piddity. “No use being thin-skinned about it. Incidentally, did you know that the skin is the best part of a baked potato? Full of moral fibre.”

Piddity also revealed that he has been asked to provide a plate of mashed potato to feature on this week’s Have I Got News For You. Keep your eyes peeled for that.

So there you have it. We have reached peak Little England. At least a jacket potato is full of tasty goodness, as opposed to the empty shell that is Andrew Bridgen.

British voters to be blindfolded for Brexit so MPs can look them in the eye and say it’s worth it

The cost of the best Brexit possible for the U.K. rose steeply again today with the announcement from Downing Street that all voters are to be issued with blindfolds.

“It’s our latest wheeze,” Ms Automoton, spokesdroid for Theresa May, told LCD Views only, “once everyone is blindfolded MPs will be able to look them in the eyes and tell them Brexit is worth it.”

The latest strategy to shore up Brexit, which is crumbling faster than a red, white and blue British shoreline, is also a boon for the exporting sector.

”This will definitely help our trade relations with China,” Ms Automoton said, “imagine being the state controlled factory that received the order for tens of millions of red, white and blue blindfolds? Amazing. It would help you reach a state dictated manufacturing output quota that even Jeremy and John would approve of!”

The blindfolds themselves will be issued as soon as the container ship arrives in Dartmouth.

”Of course G4S has won the contract to forcibly fit the blindfolds with a staple gun to the head of any treasonous remoaners who refuse to be blinded. That’s another win for private security firms living off the public purse! And a helpful nudge for the public as to how policy will be implemented after Brexit. Just imagine the increase in cost saving and productivity.”

We did ask Labour for comment on the blinding of Britain and were pleased by their quick reply.

”We think the blindfolds should be red comrade,” a talking potato told us from the cold soil of Magic Grandpa’s allotment, “but otherwise we’ve no problem with the idea in principle.”

Given Labour is still pumping out ‘jobs first Brexit’ nonsense it’s clear they blinded themselves to the reality of Brexit long before.

”Yes, sometime in the mid 1970’s, for sure.”

When your blindfold arrives be sure to book a surgery with your MP and then tie it on your noggin’.

What you can’t see, or refuse to see, can’t hurt you. Much. Well, maybe just a little. Actually. It could take your arm off.

Go blind for Brexit and help make a success of it.

Meat and two veg to replace Tory party before next GE

The entire modern, compassionate Conservative Party is to be replaced by a hunk of salty gammon, one pot of mashed potato for brains and a gaggle of turnips before the next general election.

The decision has been taken to better reflect the qualities required by a party of government which is in reality just a policy implementation lever for the nest of dark money funded, hard right think tanks currently nesting at 55 Tufton Street.

”As part of the update the Conservative Party HQ will also move to 55 Tufton Street,” Mr Forkineye, spokesman for the Cons revealed, “the basement already currently acts as a hive of alien facehugger eggs. In here we push teenage Tories to ensure they are carriers of the party ideology. So it’s really just completing a move that’s been ongoing slowly for a long time.”

The move will also secure a more direct line of funding for the modern, caring Conservatives after traditional lines started drying up.

”Boris saying f*ck business, in fact our entire policy approach of f*ck every conceivable thing that is good on earth means we need to rely more heavily on the international clique of modern fascists to fund our psyops campaigns and trick people into thinking they live in a democracy still. By moving in with the think tanks we front for we can now just lean over and say, pass me the petty cash tin please Steve ‘white bedsheet’ B.”

When asked if they expected any pushback from Tory rebels over the move and the blatant nature of who is calling the shots, the spokesman just laughed. We took that to mean there will be the usual pantomime of resistence before capitulation.

Enquiries over whether or not Labour planned a similar move, say to an office in the Kremlin? We’re met with a smirk and an offer to work on a collectivised ‘jobs first’ allotment after Brexit.

No link between fixed term parliament act and MPs telling porkies all the time, says porky pig puller

British politics emptiest vessel, David Cameron, famous for allegedly shagging a dead pig in the head (we only mention this whenever we can because we’re gutter press), has spoken today in an imaginary interview about the fixed term parliament act.

“Pull the other one,” the vapid void chugged, “it’s got pork in it.”

The soundless cymbal’s guff was a retort to a question we put to him in all seriousness. That being,

Do you think the fixed term parliament act has emboldened some MPs to lie? Like, all the bloody time?

“I have no regrets.”

That wasn’t the question.

“I did not have sexual relations with that pig.”

That also is not the question. What is the question is do you think the fixed term parliament act, brought in under your premiership, has emboldened some MPs to lie through their teeth as they fear less the consequences? Who cares if you cheese off the electorate, five years as an MP is enough to pad the nest forever and off you go to your pension and non-exec board position?

“I figured five years was how long we needed to properly stitch up the doe eyed LibDems and then get back to two party politics.”

That’s a surprisingly honest answer, but you haven’t answered the question.

So again, so many MPs, from both Labour and Conservative, lie continually and provably to the public, is there any connection to the fixed term parliament act, brought in under your premiership, do you think?

“I don’t think. Well, not a lot. I do think about…are you any good at finishing off a memoir?”

Is it a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure, after a time as a PM during which you promoted people with misguided ideologies, zero empathy and set the country up for one of the greatest self inflicted calamities for a very long time, before buggering off into a shed you were happy to boast cost the average annual income?

“That’s the one. Don’t mention the pig though.”

I think we’ll let you stew on that one yourself. We’re sure you’ll pull through.

“I keep scratching away.”

David Cameron, thank you for your imaginary time.

Where do I send the bill?”

Barnier and May secretly agree to cancel Brexit, but tell the people that we left

A shocking leak suggests that Brexit, like Christmas, is cancelled. Michel Barnier and Theresa May have collaborated on the diabolical con. May will then present her “deal” as a perfect Brexit.

Maintaining the Status Quo will both satisfy all of May’s red lines, and ensure a steady stream of cheerful three-chord boogie songs for the foreseeable future.

Illusionist Picker Card was on hand to unpick this crafty sleight-of-hand.

“It’s just like magic!” exclaimed Card. “The whole problem is solved in one easy step. If enough of your audience believe their eyes, then facts don’t matter. Who cares that the rabbit you apparently pulled from the hat was, in fact, concealed in a secret compartment? People want to believe.”

This non-Brexit deal is one hell of a rabbit, though. But it makes perfect sense. Enough people want Brexit to happen, and will believe whatever suits their narrative. So tell them that Brexit has happened, and was a roaring success, and we have the deal we wanted, and Brexiters will celebrate.

Surely, though, there will be some who smell a rat? “Smelling a rat is better than having to eat one,” commented cynical commentator Doug Deeply. “If pulling the wool over people’s eyes is the best way forward, then so be it. After all, that has always been the way the whole pro-Brexit campaign operates.”

There remains the problem of forcing the non-deal through parliament. “No problem!” asserts Deeply. “May will tell parliament that she has the deal, and that the EU has capitulated and given us everything we wanted. Everyone will be so relieved that they won’t bother to read the document, just vote the deal through and go home.”

If something is too good to be true, it probably is. But in modern politics you go on gut feeling, not facts. So by the time anyone discovers that Brexit means remaining in the EU, and that they didn’t know what they were voting for, it will be too late.

Now give us our blue passports and let’s get on with life.