LCD Views

The renewed swathe of resignations from government over Brexit is kicking off again, with Dominic Raab’s quitting his job as Brexit secretary prompting many people to ask if a Brexit deal that will actually work is even possible.

Well, the answer is there, according to experts – albeit not political experts but archaeologists. One Dr Henry Jones Jr had this to say on the matter:

“The Brexit deal is something I’ve come across mentioned in many ancient historical documents. Artefacts that date back to biblical times say it was placed in the Ark of the Covenant along with the Ten Commandments.”

So if we could get our hands on that, then we’d have a fighting chance of making Brexit work? Not according to Dr Jones.

“I actually did find it on my travels, but was beaten to the punch by a bunch of Nazis, and as it turns out I’m glad I was, because when I saw what happened to them all I’m glad. It turned out anyone who looked inside the Ark died horribly.”

Does that mean we now know where the Ark is?

Dr Jones’ colleague, one Professor Marcus Brody, picked up the story:

“The US Government took the Ark away a few years back and sealed it up in storage. It’s going to be rather difficult for anyone to get their hands on it, especially at present times.”

That’s a pity. For a moment it looked like the Ark of the Covenent might be the solution to all our problems, our Holy Grail if you like.

At this Dr Jones shuddered and said, “don’t mention that to me – I found that the following year and you wouldn’t believe the hoops I had to jump through to get my hands on it. And just as we were leaving the temple there was an earthquake and the Grail was lost forever when it fell into a chasm. Even my father said it was time to let it go, and he’d devoted his whole life to finding it. Besides, after seeing what that thing was capable of, I’m not sure I’d want to find it again.”

So in other words we’re no closer to solving the mystery that is making Brexit work. I asked Dr Jones if he knew of any other historical artefacts that might help, and he said he’d let me know, but he was not optimistic.

The search continues.

A state of emergency has been declared in the corridors of power and the Palace of Westminster evacuated after so many Brexit MPs lost their shit so seriously the HoC sewers overflowed.

Even as we go to print emergency crews are deciding whether or not it’s worth donning biohazard suits and attempting to rescue the gaggle of confused BBC journalists who haven’t known wtf is going on since Cameron successfully riddled the BBC with Tory placemen, put up by secretly funded rightwing thinktanks to sow the seeds for a fascist takeover of the U.K.

As to the Brexit MPs themselves, they’re voiding all their bowels and then scarpering away from the devastation lest they inadvertently have to take responsibility for their own political project.

”Dominic Raab was second to run,” our correspondent reports, “trousers around his ankles and in a state best described as scatological and infantile. To see him leap over security cordons with his Y fronts tangled about his knees was impressive to say the least. But with a turd the size of Mount Doom at his back, he had the motivation to scarper.”

Raab was second of many, after the first resignation this morning of a Tory MP no one has ever heard of, who was put up to start the mass shitathon with the promise of being made Chancellor once Jacob Rees-mogg becomes PM at lunchtime.

”McVey was third. She was seen desperately trying to drag Mourdant down a corridor just brimming with loose stools, before giving her up and demanding a team of malnourished children be assembled to carry her to safety.”

The Victorian sewers under the old palace have coped with nearly two centuries of mental shit from Britain’s political class, but a mass voiding of Brexiters, faced with the near fulfillment of their own crap, has proven too much.

”It’s certain to be a tsunami of crap that threatens not only the capital, but England itself. We can only surmise that whoever is in charge of assembling the portaloos along the M4 should have been looking at College Green for placements instead.”

More on this as the Brexiters void their bowels and the political system struggles to flush away the mountain of Brexshit.

A woman has called today for support from her family in trading in their car, a new Porsche, for a damaged Reliant Robin, in spite of the Porsche still having an outstanding loan owing on it.

”The Porsche gets updated every year,” a confidant of the woman told us, “some contract or whatever. It’s a total pain to have to keep learning how a modern car operates. Handbrakes becoming switches. Seats warmed not by your butt but the car. I don’t know. Keys that aren’t keys. They’re like buttons or something. Too much acceleration. Too many functions to keep track of when all you want is to get from A to B, preferably by way of the rest of the alphabet, so the family spends a LOT of quality time together.”

So the solution is to get a car so outdated, everyone in the family can understand how it works, even if it doesn’t do much and is liable to fall apart?

”Yes, the younger members hate the idea, but what do they know. They like the Porsche. They don’t want the Reliant Robin. Little bit lacking in patriotic fervour the kids. Had it too good. Not grown up with enough communicable disease issues. Too much food. They’re too soft! They just expect to be able to move and live and work and drive around an entire continent, just like that. Well, that Reliant will sort that. State of it. Ha!”

So the woman is likely to succeed in convincing her family to trade down and trade down heavily?

”She will if she can get the kids’ adopted grandfather to weigh in on her side.”

Is he likely to?

”Yes. He wants the kids stuck at home helping him work his allotment.”

A role playing fantasist, made famous by the BBC reality TV series BBCQT, has sought to get back into the limelight today by announcing to the collection of Russian bots, FBI investigators and true born British idiots who follow him on social media that he is to undergo a re-birthing ceremony in the hope of changing his nationality.

”It’s perfectly simple,” he posted online during one of his marathon posting sessions nicknamed ‘Inner thoughts of fascist leaning hypocrite’,

“if I’m to have any hope of keeping up with my two children, who I have already secured EU27 FOM for, by way of German passports, I’m going to need a German passport myself. I’ve tried to get one as an Englishman, but the bigots in Berlin wouldn’t give me one, even though I can claim to have successfully copulated twice with a German woman.”

In order to break the impasse with the unreasonable German authorities, the man has come up with a novel idea.

”I want to continue to be able to sit in the EU parliament as an MEP after Brexit. I really doubt I’ll get my redundancy payoff after the U.K. leaves as the officious bean counters in Brussels keep docking my pay for minor accounting irregularities, the kind of little errors anyone could innocently make, so I’ll need to change my nationality to keep getting paid for not doing a job I’ve repeatedly been elected to do.”

And the novel idea?

”It’s really very straightforward,” the man explained, “I’m going all 70’s hippy and having a re-birthing ceremony. And I’m doing it in Berlin. That way the day after I do it I can have a new German passport with my birthdate listed as yesterday.”

Which coincidentally is the birth date of anyone who believes a word he says.

The sensational statement is the latest variation on Theresa May’s  catchphrase “No deal is better than a bad deal”. The latest version has caught opponents off guard.

“Nobody thought they could be that stupid,” remarked Remainer Bergen DiPassport. “No Deal means cutting all ties, throwing the country on the scrapheap. It’s like cutting out your heart because you don’t like it being controlled by the brain.”

Nevertheless, it seems to be the truth. “The referendum result was 100% decisive,” claimed David Lidlington on Radio 4FS. “In the same way, nothing is agreed until everything is agreed, which means 95%. The people have made that decision, and we are damned if we are going to give them a chance to decide anything else ever again!”

“But you are, or were, a Remainer,” insisted interviewer Rick Nobinson weakly. “Why did you go all Brexity?”

“It’s the will of the people, Nobby,” Lidlington replied. “The people being, in this case, the rest of the Cabinet, who are hanging on as long as possible before dramatically quitting, retiring to France and leaving those left behind to tidy up the mess.”

In other words, I’m alright Jack. So long and thanks for all the votes.

It’s such a mess. The BBC has reporters who admit that they simply have no idea. Politicians of all shades persist in backing the Brexit line because they fear the backlash from Leavers more than that from Remainers. The entire Johnson family is allegedly so conflicted that they are threatening to vote Labour. Shitshow means shitshow.

In this febrile atmosphere, it would only take one feisty person armed with a sharp pin to prick the Brexit bubble. Unfortunately, pins have been banned on Health & Safety grounds.

Perhaps there is a glimmer of hope after all. Perhaps we have all read it wrong. After all, there is no deal better than the deal we have right now.