LCD Views

No, not that Johnson. The other one. The one who isn’t Boris.

BoJo’s baby brother blatantly bashed Brexit by blasting Theresa May’s latest pathetic “plan”. “I can’t support that load of old bollocks,” he said frankly. “I could quite honestly have belched a better strategy. And no, you may not call me ‘JoJo’!”

This leaves Jo Johnson in a tricky position. He is at odds with his media whore brother, his rent-a-gob sister and celebrity wannabe father. “They are no longer speaking to me,” he comments. “By displaying principles, I have betrayed the family motto ‘Nunquam Vere Dicam’. It’s quite a relief, let me tell you!”

Johnson junior joins the slow but steady trickle of MPs now opposing Brexit. Some, like Johnson, because it is clearly rubbish. Others, because their vision of modern feudalism is evaporating before their eyes.

“His Lordship is appalled at the state of affairs!” grovels Bowen Scrape, spokesflunkey of Jacob Rees-Mogg. “His Brexit Dividend of thousands of tied villeins tithing him fifty percent of everything they produce is collapsing faster than you can say Carillon.”

Conspiracy theories abound connecting lunatic politics in the UK and the USA with Russia. Dirty trickster Oskar Sczeremony claims to know the truth. “I can disclose that Vladimir Putin is not a happy bunny,” he reports. “British pragmatism is destroying his plan much too soon. If things don’t change soon, you will suddenly discover that Jeremy Corbyn makes sexist remarks, and there will be a steady flow of Russians eager to visit Salisbury Cathedral.”

Meanwhile Brexit can continue to limp towards the finish line. It’s classic misdirection. “Four months of looking elsewhere, is that too much to ask?” moans Sczeremony. “After 29 March, who gives a shit? But the Johnson brothers have ruined everything. We’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

That’s what they are. A pair of Johnsons.

Comrade Nigel Farage, Russian ambassador to Little England, gave much needed support today to the Downing Street plan to place all British fish in protective custody, on land, to ensure they aren’t stolen by Brussels during the closing stages of Brexit negotiations.

”I wasn’t awarded the award of the Hero of the Russian Federation because I wasn’t deeply concerned about British fish,” Farage told listeners to his breakfast programme, ‘A little dose of fash and cash’ on seriously confused broadcaster LBC today, “and my in-depth knowledge tells me that the traitor Ms May is finally seeing sense about how to protect British fishing and not have the entire industry stolen by the thugs in Brussels when it more properly should be bundled off and sold to the highest overseas bidder under the noses of indepdent operators at home.”

Under plan, said to be the brainchild of Environment Secretary Michael Gove and a hell of a lot of wishful thinking, all British fish will be written to by the Home Office and ordered to immediately present themselves for safekeeping at a British port.

The fish will then be transported to specially built dry land holiday camps, where they will wait out the reminder of Brexit negotiations and the construction of the deep water wall to be built around the British isles once we have successfully reclaimed our waters from the tyrants across the Channel.

”Lock them up!” Nigel “the rouble” Farage exalted his rapt listener, “and then throw away the key! See what Juncker makes of that!”

Fresh denials today from government that the total and complete fracking of Westminster politics by secretly funded “thinktanks” has anything to do with the earthquakes currently fracking the UK’s political landscape.

”The fact that politics is the United Kingdom are now so fracked a government drone like Secretary for Health Apps, little Matty Handoncock (MP – UKIP), can say with a straight face the government is stockpiling fridges to stockpile life saving, short shelf life medicines they won’t be able to import anyway,

”because they’re insisting private industry pays the cost and takes the risk, after spending years telling private industry to frack itself,

“and then gagging private industry so it can’t say how fracked we are, and we’ve no time to build production capacity in country before calamity, none of this has anything to do with the fracking of British politics by obscurely funded thinktanks, given democratic names to help their insidious creep across our political landscape, ideological fracking rigs in hand, like a mash up of the red weed from ‘War of the Worlds’ and a stealthy fascist takeover,” said a government spokesman appointed to speak for Downing Street by the Taxpayers Alliance, which conversely is against all taxpaying, because it’s much better to have a feudal political landscape.

But while that clarification clears way for the secretly funded thinktanks to continue their work of being the creeping damp and dry rot and fungal infections of our politics, it doesn’t explain how we arrived at a political earthquake on the scale of Brexit. Absolutely nothing at all to do with the links of serving MPs and rightwing thinktanks. Nothing at all.

So the search will go on to explain how Westminster came to experience unceasing earthquakes and if we don’t find the cause we’re all going to get fracked, really deep and really hard.

”It’s got nothing to do with the fracking thinktanks,” the TPA appointed government spokesman reiterated. Indeed.

The Chronicles Of Narnia have been on many a child’s reading list for over half a century, and there have been many adaptions of them in film, TV and radio, but the latest version has put a decidedly contemporary twist on the tales.

A new modern version of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe has commenced production, made by a Swedish production company.

Instead of four British children being evacuated during World War II, the action occurs on a family day out to IKEA, where the four Lindstrom children, on the run from a security guard they have angered, happen across a self-assembly wardrobe that has is ready-made on display in the store.

Jumping into the wardrobe, the four children, renamed Bjorn, Benny, Agnetha and Frida, find themselves magically transported to the frozen wastelands of a strange country called Britannia, where it is always Brexit Winter but never Brexit Dividend Christmas.

It then proceeds pretty much as it does in the book, they meet all the familiar characters, including the White Witch, played in this adaption by Theresa May.

“Theresa was just perfect for the part,” film producer Lars Chance explained at the press conference. “There really was nobody else we were even looking at to play this role.”

There is however one stumbling block. The role of Aslan, the noble lion who defeats the witch in battle, has still not been cast.

“We just can’t find anybody with the right gravitas to play the role,” Mr Chance explained. “Actually Jeremy Corbyn auditioned for the part at first, but while he does has a lot of good qualities, he just rolled over in front of the witch, so instead we gave him the role of Mr Tumnus the faun, who has a good heart and knows that what the witch is doing is wrong, but lacks the conviction to truly stand up and actively oppose her.”

The script of this film looks very promising, and could be the best adaption of C.S. Lewis yet, if that crucial part can be cast. We sincerely hope they find their Aslan soon.