Government shocked as can of worms does exactly what it says on the tin

The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.

One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.

There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.

Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.

The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”

Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”

“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.

Pig’s head shagged by man says it will stand against him in any re-election comeback bid

The most famous pig’s head in British politics has given a rare interview today to assert it will stand against David Cameron should he launch any re-election comeback bid.

”I don’t mind admitting I’m still a little bitter,” Pork Scratchings told us in an exclusive interview conducted near the Bullingdon Club headquarters, just for the vibe, “I believed Dave when he told me we were always going to be together, and one day even, medical science would provide me with a body. And then we could get married.”

Well that was all a sham.

”Well that was all a lie. He was using me to impress the other boys.”

So your motivation for standing for election in any seat bored shitless, shepherd’s hut David decides to go for is a long standing wound of unrequited love?

”Excuse me?” Pork Scratchings looked well oinked, “do I look like I haven’t gotten on with my life? You think Britain’s laziest PM is that good a shag?”

Well, he did fuck the entire U.K., so…

”That. That there is my motivation.”

Jealousy is what is driving you?

”You haven’t done your research, have you? I was assured you were a professional outfit.”

Well, it’s a little hard to research an unsubstantiated rumour put about to make David Cameron a laughing stock by Boris Johnson, presumably.

”I’m not some cheap device utilised to draw on the lowest common denominator perception that all rich people are sexual perverts.”

Well, what are you then?

”I’m a serious Tory party candidate for Westminster. Just look what happens when you smash some lipstick on me and put me in a safe seat. I am not just some easy ride.”

Thats not what Dave says…

”Don’t ever call me for an interview again. I’ve a country to save.”

Singing Ringing Tree denies covert funding deal for anti-austerity budget

Internationally renowned arboreal children’s fantasy character “The Singing Ringing Tree” Tuesday moved to deny reports that it was behind the sudden unexplained ending to UK austerity, as evidenced by the autumn budget published Monday by chancellor Philip Hammond.

A spokesman for The Singing Ringing Tree -or “SRT” as it is known to it’s inner circle, Herr Hurleburlebutz,  confirmed to LCD views that while the legendary East German TV star had accrued considerable personal wealth from her 60 year TV career, she was some way from having the means to fund tax cuts for rich Brits.

“True, SRT, is the owner of an offshore hedge fund, with branches in several major European forests but that doesn’t means he has the funds to replace the tax billions lost to offshore retailers such as the Amazon Rainforest, or Starbuckthorn,” he explained.

“In case you haven’t twigged, the UK government alone has been responsible for pruning its public sector budget for the past eight years and it alone can explain how it suddenly has the money to fund tax cuts perhaps – you should speak to “The Magic Money Tree” – whoever he or she is,” he added.

Pressed for further Herr Hurleburlebutz information, suggested enquiries might be better directed a princess Theresa Maple, or any one of a number of evil dwarves by the names of Michael “Hazel” Grove, a Christopher Grayling Willow, or Andrea Linden.

A spokesman for the UK foreign secretary’s office declined to be drawn into any wantonly arboreal pun fun.

“No one gets wood for Jeremy, no matter how wrongly you pronounce his surname,” he snapped.

Jeremy Hunt apppoints Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin as U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt was in an upbeat mood this morning as he announced sweeping changes to the country’s diplomatic service.

”Those fussy, sluggish, pointless careerists, the so called diplomats are out, and people who know how to get deals done are in,” he said as giddy as a boy in a candy store, “for too long British reputation abroad has been mismanaged by people who studied, trained and served as ambassadors, but that changes, just like the NHS changed under me, so too the FCO is.”

It seems the idea for change has long been festering in the curious little box he calls his mind.

”Look at the great deals businessmen cut with me to carve up the NHS piecemeal and look how they’re getting away with it? You think businessmen can’t make a better fist of being ambassadors? Certainly Branson will get the trade deals done. Look how he gets trains done! Better a proven British leg end than some guy no one has ever heard of who’s sweated out a decade in Angola hoping to get promoted to somewhere in the EU!”

The change will also help pave the way for the direction Mr Hunt wants to take the FCO in.

”We’ll not be bothering with nation states anymore,” he added, “we’re going to send ambassadors straight to the world’s multinationals and skip out the middlemen, with the exception of Saudi Arabia of course, they buy our bombs and help keep the party going.”

So who is picked for the plum job in Riyadh?

“Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin has kindly accepted my offer of the position of U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia. With his proven experience of getting deals done with the religious fanatics behind Brexit, he’ll get the job done. I predict before his time is up there’ll be a drive through Wetherspoons pub on every street corner in Saudi and it’ll be the ladies who are driving through them.”

Good luck Jeremy Hunt. Whenever the country needs something that rhymes with something else, you’re the one we turn to.

Donald Trump orders special asbestos pants

We’re used to Donald Trump being very lavish when it comes to spending money on himself, especially other people’s money, that much is well known. But his latest indulgence for once has a practical benefit.

His latest tailoring bill includes several items made with asbestos.

In a recent development, he has decided that he requires asbestos incorporated into all his trousers and underwear.

“It was a great decision and a necessary one,” he told the press. “My pants used to catch fire at the darnedest times. Usually when I was in the middle of a speech. So I called my tailor and said to him these pants you’re making for me a defecating – I mean defenceless – I mean defec – uh, they don’t work. They keep catching fire and they shouldn’t do that. I need want pants that won’t catch fire and I need them now.”

It was no exaggeration, as his tailor recalls Trump made the call sans pants.

“It was a surreal moment,” recalls tailor Will Dressham. “He was calling me and ordering me to make him some new pants right there and then. And he had absolutely nothing on downstairs, it had all just burnt away to nothing. Apparently all his pants had done the same thing, so he told me his people were going to pick me up to work on new fireproof pants for him. They just came and took me away and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d designed and made some pants for him that were guaranteed not to catch fire when he was talking.”

Mr Dressham managed to resist the temptation of pulling an emperor’s new clothes style prank on him, because he knew Trump would not let him get away with it.

“I had to put a lot of asbestos into them. I had to get the asbestos especially woven into usable threads, and it wasn’t easy. I first tried infusing regular pants with a small amount of asbestos, just enough to fireproof things usually, but they still burst into flames when he started talking. Fortunately for me I warned him beforehand that this was a first attempt and that we’d prepared a standby fire crew. I told him I’d up the percentage of asbestos in his pants until it worked. I had to make them entirely out of asbestos in the end but we got there, fireproof pants.”

The story doesn’t quite end there however. As Will Dressham continues:

“He still hasn’t paid me for the job. That guy owes me thousands of dollars for all the man hours and materials I put into this. I have a wife and family to support! I’m suing his fireproofed ass off if he doesn’t pay!”

Mr Trump’s response:

“He should have made them softer. These pants may be fireproof but they’re very rough, especially in certain areas.”

Certain small areas no doubt.

“I will deal with him, one way or another.”

Mr Dressham was last reported to be undergoing a change of identity and emigrating.

Ryanair passengers dumped in mid Atlantic and told to swim home

Passengers on a Ryanair flight from New York to Stanstead were Wednesday surprised to find themselves ejected from their plane over the mid Atlantic and told to swim home.

“We were dragged from our seats, handed plastic single-use parachutes and forcibly ejected through the rear door,” complained Winetta Windrush 27, still dripping from her 433 mile swim to the west coast of Ireland.

“And worst of all there was no relief bus to pick us up after we reached the coast,” she wailed explaining that those who managed to survive the freezing waters had been obliged to pay their own way back to London.

A spokesman for Ryanair explained that the decision to eject half the passengers on the flight had been taken following a sudden spike in jet fuel prices.

“Fuel surcharges are one of the conditions listed in the small print on Ryanair tickets, and cutting load in mid flight is standard practice for conserving fuel  for the return leg,” she explained, denying that those ejected had all been selected due to their ethnic minority backgrounds.

“The fact that those “down transferred” all had funny names and didn’t include any fat, racist bigots wearing “white power” t-shirts is purely coincidental,” she explained pointing out that those ejected had all been seated on “ultra economy budget seats”.

“The ones that resemble upturned milk crates, but aren’t,” she added.

Cornered by an intrepid LCD views reporter while being carried by turbaned slaves in a sedan chair from his diamond encrusted penthouse office suite in Dublin’s billionaire quarter, to his solid gold Bentley Continental, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leery denied that dumping passengers in mid Atlantic to save on fuel was in any way unethical.

“Bollix to yez all. Dem fockers should be grateful we gave them milk crates to sit on for half the flight. Dats more dan dey’ll be getting after yer Brexit, to be sure,” he leered, leerily.

 

Donald Trump signs executive order renaming the state of Alabama as Donaldchrist

Donald Trump has signed a few eyebrow-raising executive orders since taking office, but this latest one is the most random yet.

His latest executive order is to change the name of the state of Alabama.

At a press conference he explained his decision.

“Look, Alabama is a great state, almost as great as South Carolina, but it’s just got the worst name, you know? It’s named after Allah and Obama – and you can’t get a worse combination than that, I should know. I’ve had the governor of Alabama calling me ever since I took office, begging me to have the state’s name changed, he’s been saying to me Donald, you’re the greatest president in the history of America, so you’re the one man who can do something about this stupid name our state has, can you please rename it? I’ve had a lot on my plate, you know, a lot of golf to play, a lot of attacks to make on Crooked Hillary and so forth, but it’s always been there in the back of my mind. Finally I have managed to make the time to do this, and the state of Alabama is no more.”

So what has it been renamed to?

Trump was quick to answer.

“It’s goodbye Alabama, hello Donaldchrist. It used to be named after Allah and Obama, so why not change that by giving it the best name in the world, naming it after myself and Jesus, who would really have approved of the name by the way. He would have loved what I’ve done with the place. Jesus would have said to me Donald, you know what, you’re the next Christ. And I’d have told him yes I know, I’m carrying on your good ideas and correcting your bad ones, you know what I mean”

Yes Donald, we know exactly what you mean.

Trump continued:

“Because Jesus did get a few things wrong, he was way too soft on people of different faiths. He should have annihilated those Muslims when he had the chance. If he’d done that, I’d be having a much easier time now as president, let me tell you. If the bible had said, and lo and behold, Jesus smote and smote until not a single Muslim was left standing, well, that would have been amazing.”

It would indeed have been a clever trick for Jesus to wipe out a people who didn’t come into existence until over half a millennium after the events described in the bible.

As for Alabama, or rather Donaldchrist, the new name will take effect on Thanksgiving Day, when AL will become – you guessed it – DT.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of that state.

Digby Jones advertises for vampire to bite him to ensure he sees Brexit benefit in 100 years

Confusion is raining cats and dogs today after Lord (not of the dance) Digby Jones advertised in one of the last print media personal columns left in U.K. circulation for a vampire to bite him to ensure he sees a Brexit benefit in 100 years time.

”It was well perplexing when the letter with accompanying advert arrived,” Empti Vessel, editor of ‘Dead Thick and Gooey – Cake and Fudge Quarterly’ told LCD Views, “truth to tell, we don’t get many personal ads of that kind at our quarterly, normally it’s just people trying to offload old mixmasters and worn out maids.”

But the ad placement from Lord Jones, written in blood on vellum, was the real deal.

”Of course we don’t think he wrote in his own blood,” Empti hypothesised, “his kind never do, do they just. But if you’re looking for a vampire, best to wet their appetite I suppose. Still, that’s not the most puzzling part of it all.”

Well what is?

”To discover he’s not already a vampire was a total shock! I mean, just look at him heaving words he doesn’t understand about all over the shop in the hope of draining the life from the country’s young and all. I would have had him down for a vampire no questions. Either that or a zombie, his own brain long since eaten.”

So you will run the ad?

”Of course. The bill is being picked up by the taxpayer, so there’s no worry of having to chase after it. But I think he’s a little optimistic.”

Of finding a vampire?

”Oh no, Blighty is chock full of bloodsuckers. But to think one hundred years will be enough time to see a Brexit benefit? He must be out of his mind.”

Hammond’s budget consists of placing a money bag on the table and saying when it’s gone, it’s gone

LCD Views has the inside track on the latest budget. Philip Hammond has no more idea of the impact of Brexit than anyone else. So instead he said, here is what’s left in the kitty, there’s no more before next April, sort yourselves out, it’s what people on Universal Credit have to do.

As for borrowing, options are now limited. Hammond himself shrugs his shoulders when confronted with the question. “Nobody will lend us money any more,” he complains. “The IMF just laughs, and our fall-back option, Wonga, went bust after we defaulted the last time.”

So you are effectively washing your hands of the whole affair? “Too right!” he says. “Let them squabble among themselves for what little is left, before the UK files for bankruptcy. Budget means budget!”

What about the fabled magic money tree? “It’s autumn,” observed Hammond. “Its leaves have fallen, all the magic money has been harvested and squirreled away offshore somewhere. I think it’s dying too. There is no sign of the green shoots of recovery.”

But couldn’t you raise taxes to make up the shortfall? “Most people will pay more than they earn after Brexit anyway,” he replied. “Except for the people who can afford it. They will pay less.”

That’s a scandal, surely? “Yes, but think of the headlines,” Hammond counters. “If we make Rupert Murdoch pay one penny more in taxation, his papers will make sure they bring down this government and replace it with an even more incompetent one.”

He who pays the piper calls the tune. This particular tune must be Money For Nothing.

The country is more divided than ever. The old call of ‘no taxation without representation’ has been updated. People now have one or the other. That’s the true Brexit Dividend.

As the UK sinks into self-imposed oblivion, at least we can comfort ourselves with the thought that we took back control of our destiny.

Large sea monster appearing off Blackpool coast is nothing to do with fracking, confirms Cuadrilla

Blackpool is bracing for an exciting short term future after a large sea monster appeared off the coast on Monday.

“Shortly after breakfast, but before morning tea break on Monday, a large lizard rose out of the sea and began shouting obscenities at the town of Blackpool,” our large sea monster correspondent, Mr Magoo, reports, “at first it seemed the gigantic lizard was drunk and trying to get directions back to the Sea of Japan, but it soon became clear it was after other matters when it didn’t order an Uber.”

People standing on the famous seafront, and some running away screaming, reported the sea monster was more legible in its speech than it appeared at first.

”After it had cleared its throat it was quite civil really,” Doris, up for the day and present at the time commented, “mostly he was about getting the fcuking fracking stopped. You know, the environmentalists in government have encouraged their chums to smash endocrine destroying chemicals into the water table in Lancashire so they can make a quick buck before we all die from climate change. Which is nice, to look after your friends in business like that.”

But a spokesman for Environmental Secretary Michael Gove’s office was having none of it.

”It’s not the fracking that’s causing all the fracking earthquakes,” the spokesman said, “it’s the bloody hippies jumping up and down in protest what’s doing it. We’re going to arrest the lot so modern Britain can go on being part of the race to the bottom in all notable categories. Like the sea. Our good friends in Cuadrilla are very distressed to be blamed when it’s clearly nothing whatsoever to do with blasting the shit under pressure out of the rocks in the ground.”

The sea monster is expected to make land later today. Michael Gove is expected to accompany the owners of Cuadrilla in running far, far away.