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Andrew Bridgen MP to be replaced by cheese sandwich

Andrew Bridgen MP (NW Brexitshire) is to be replaced as an MP after a recent broadcast interview in which he confusingly claimed he could be king of Ireland if he pleased.

“Because I’m an Englishman,” Mr Bridgen asserted, “and English men are the natural rulers of Irish men.”

Whether or not Mr Bridgen is also the natural ruler of Irish women he is yet to confirm, but the staggering assertion has led to the triggering of a little known parliamentary instrument called “cheddar powers”.

“Cheddar powers are only ever triggered when a sitting MP proves himself far less intelligent than a cheese sandwich,” John Bercow MP, Speaker HoC told LCD, shortly before fending off the latest Conservative Party attempt to oust him because he tells them off sometimes.

“So Mr Bridgen will be replaced by a cheese sandwich,” Mr Bercow continued, “by chance it’s made of Irish cheddar. This will probably rub a bit of salt in the wound for Mr Bridgen (here Mr Bercow fell off his chair laughing. We waited for him to climb back on to carry on) and so while Andrew “thick as mince like all ERG” Bridgen can’t claim an Irish passport, the cheddar sandwich that replaces him can and potentially thus become King of Ireland. But only after its reunification in a year or two thanks to the efforts of idiots like Bridgen. It’s all very straightforward. One would have thought Bridgen would have understood the rules of cheddar.”

And so the stellar parliamentary career of the hard right ERG boofhead Mr Bridgen draws to a sudden close and the career of a sandwich begins.

We will miss Mr Bridgen for all his work. The highlight of which was organising the parliamentary rebellion that stopped British military intervention in Syria in 2013, and thus arguably helped allow an entire catalogue of genocide to play out more forcefully than it may otherwise have, oh and also allowed that cheerful Russian chap his way back onto the world stage to wage merry havoc all over and puts us all back at risk of WW3. Well done Mr Bridgen. You must be proud.

But all is not lost. A colleague has a new venture for Andrew.

“I’m going to rebuild him as a proper bridge,” Boris Johnson took a break from bonking young blondes to tell us, “And re-name him Adraw Bridge-n. Whacko! Woof!”

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Grim Reaper rushed to A&E after accidental contact with Brexit

Saint George’s Hospital in south London is in lockdown today after a surprise patient was rushed to the famous hospital’s A&E department earlier today with suspected Brexit poisoning.

LCD Views has a correspondent at the hospital, who was receiving a triple bypass they were not expected to survive when the drama begun to unfold like a freezing and toxic fog.

Their survival was at first thought to be miraculous, but now it seems likely they made it through because Death itself was taken seriously ill at exactly the time of the surgery.

We phoned them up and told them to get out of that bed and interview a consultant treating the unexpected visitor.

They sent in this interview with Emergency Medicine and Poisoning Specialist, Doctor Arch Angel.

”Shortly before 11am this morning we were altered by emergency services that a black garbed individual with distinctive facial features and a fondness for old agricultural equipment had been taken ill at Clapham Junction Station waiting for the delayed 07:32 Southern Trains service to Brighton…”

An ambulance was dispatched to the station with orders to avoid all skin contact with the stricken commuter, just in case it was DWP Secretary Esther McVey.

But on arrival at the scene it was discovered it was actually her servant, the Grim Reaper.

”Mr Reaper was rushed to the hospital and immediately placed in an isolation ward. From the smell, the rapid progress of symptoms and the clear highly transmitable nature of the substance causing the dramatic loss of all vital organs of state, one after another, we immediately diagnosed Brexit poisoning.”

The Grim Reaper is now in intensive care, but the specialists confronted with the case are unsure if they will be able to help with any recovery at all.

”This is not my first brush with death,” Dr Angel said, “but I am uncertain if even my years of experience can affect a reversal in the patient’s deterioration. Why Death decided to touch Brexit we can only guess, if it was deliberate and not accidental, but I suspect it’s because he thought it would be fun to kill not only the Tory Party with it, but the careers of numerous Labour MPs too.”

The emergency services have since issued a reminder that all members of the public should never, under any circumstances, touch or ingest Brexit.

”It’s not a game, like poker, it’s life and death. It’s particularly dangerous to spoilt children as can be seen by what’s happening currently in parliament.”

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Transport Secretary revealed to be Grayling replacement service

As disgraced transport operator Virgin Trains distributes an obscene sum in dividends, LCD Views attempted to contact the Transport Secretary for comment. His office gave us the following message: “The Transport Secretary is currently off the rails. Instead, we are operating a Grayling Replacement Service.”

Further investigation revealed that the Grayling replacement service turned up at approximately the right place, although often late. This no-frills service meant that the standards expected of the Grayling, like coherent policies and informed comment, were entirely absent.

Searching for clarity, we spoke to railway analyst Tommy Tank. “The Grayling has been AWOL for far too long,” remarked Tank. “Since his appointment as Transport Secretary in July 2016, he has been in the sidings awaiting an essential upgrade.”

This applies to his previous incarnations as well, claims Tank. For example, he spent his time as Minister of State for Employment on the sick.

Tank, however, had no answer to the dividends paid by an operator who had simultaneously cost the taxpayer £2.3bn, so we tried asking the Grayling replacement service. “Nothing to do with me,” the service said. “There is no loss to taxpayers at this time, and how a private company manages its finances is not up to me.”

But, we argued, therefore the taxpayer should not be expected to bail out a failing franchise? “Privatisation cannot be allowed to fail!” said the service. “Look, are you getting on? Do you want me to take you for a ride, or not?”

Declining the chance to go somewhere we didn’t want to go, we were nonetheless hauled on board. Half of the fellow passengers were ecstatic, the other half wanted to get off but had been strapped in anyway. The driver waved her cycling proficiency certificate proudly, closed her eyes and shouted, “Welcome to the Mystery Tour!”

And off we went, slowly and with many changes of direction, but inexorably towards the buffers…

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Nigel Farage’s EU pension to be paid from BBC license fee if no deal between U.K. and EU

Potatoes, turnips, cabbages and other great British vegetables were in a celebratory mood today with the reassuring announcement that Nigel Farage’s EU pension will be paid from the BBC license fee.

”Only if no deal is reached between the completely trustworthy U.K. government and the rule stifled EU tyranny in Brussels,” a very unbiased Nigel Farage MEP told the collection of Russian algorithms and British born idiots who listen to his LBC show ‘Lord Haw-Haw’s half hour’.

”I’m personally happy to pay extra on top of the reasonable levy to fund the Conservative Party press release machine,” A (patriotic) Potato told LCD Views, “£350M a week if need be? I’ll phone Nigel up personally and tell him.”

Root vegetables such as carrots and turnips also said they are happy to weigh in with clods of cash.

”Since the evil empire across the channel docked Nigel’s salary for all that fraud, which he totally didn’t commit, I’ve been worrying how he’ll afford another ticket to ride in Trump’s magic ‘gold of the people’ lift. I’m happy if my entire BBC license fee is diverted straight into Nigel’s account in Panama.”

When asked for comment the Director General of the BBC, also a Lord Haw-Haw, gave confirmation of the Beeb’s willingness to divert its funding to Britain’s greatest patriot since Profumo.

”We already buy him a mansion a year for providing most of our political output,” Lord Haw-Haw confirmed, “what’s another eighty odd grand a year, indexed to rise with inflation on top of it?”

Indeed.

And in so doing so the state broadcaster can finally put to rest all those allegations of being biased to left wing politics. Everyone will be pleased. Keep Nigel warm this winter just by being forced by law to pay for the totally unbiased BBC.

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Poor people starving to death will take the pressure off the NHS, says Esther McVey

The Secretary of State for Working Your Fingers To The Bone has revealed yet another Brexit Dividend. An increased death rate, while naturally regrettable, would take some of the pressure off the beleaguered NHS.

“Cutting Universal Credit for poorer families has to be done,” remarked McVey candidly. “It is the only thing these people understand. Austerity means sink or swim, and we require a certain percentage to sink in order for austerity to produce the desired results.”

Her Department, the Ministry for Work-Shy Idlers, has forced through the changes. McVey is proud of her achievements. “The simplest way to cure poverty is simply to remove poor people from the population,” she explains. “Off the mortal coil, into the food chain, that’s my motto.”

So, work until you drop, them provide a nutritious meal for your family? “That’s right!” she confirms. “We expect Britain to be self-sufficient in gammon by Brexit Day.”

The Ministry also administers retired people. McVey has overall responsibility under her secondary role as Secretary of State for Pillaging Pensions. “It is a given that we are in favour of the small state,” she stated. “State pensions work by stockpiling funds, which could be better applied elsewhere, like on consultancy fees as we sell off the NHS piecemeal. This initiative, which must be successful, will only succeed if there is a drastic reduction in the number of patients requiring treatment.”

Surely McVey is impinging upon the work of the Health Secretary? “No, not at all,” McVey counters. “This is an example of our cross-departmental work, in which I tell the vacuous placeholder at Health how many patients he can afford to treat in the foreseeable future.”

Are you announcing a quota system for the NHS? “In effect, yes I am,” she confirmed. “Certain hospitals have been over-providing for so long that they are in negative equity. This means that they will be forbidden to provide any NHS treatment for several years. The hospitals will be mothballed and the staff unfortunately let go, although consultants will still be able to invoice them for admin fees.”

And if you get ill? “Not my problem. We all have to go some time.”

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Former PM opens halfway house in France for cabinet ministers fleeing after Brexit

LCD Views has another exclusive today with the announcement that Britain’s greatest former prime minister, Dave ‘trotters’ Cameron, has opened a halfway house in France specifically for cabinet ministers fleeing Brexit.

“As soon as that clock hits eleven pm on the twenty ninth of March next year, they’ll all be off like cockroaches fleeing a sudden bright light,” Dave told us, while stood out front of the modest chalet he’s turned into a refuge for old friends, “and they’ll need all the cracks and crannies to squeeze into they can find.”

We can’t reveal the exact location of the house for fleeing cabinet ministers, as Dave doesn’t want it overwhelmed with expats seeking autographs, but we can reveal the name.

“Trotters, of course!” a beaming Dave said, “if you’re opening an establishment that you hope to leverage appeal for with your personal brand, well, you’ve got to pick a name that resonates and makes people imagine you.”

But is it just Tories that will be welcome to hide out, or is Dave willing to welcome former parliamentary colleagues from across the lower house?

“No SNP, that’s bloody obvious. Clegg has half a chance, now he’s decided to tarnish his own brand rebuild by getting fruity about freedom of movement. It’d be nice if he dropped by, it would really cheer the Tories hiding out up. We can reminisce about stitching him up and just how wide eyed and naive he was. Corbyn is clearly welcome. He doesn’t want to be PM anyway, he just wants to get the old disaster socialist project over the line. Take power out of the chaos and hand the reigns over to McDonnell. You see what McDonnell does with Henry VIII powers! Wow! Brexit isn’t going to happen unless they stay steadfastly committed to it, if they act like HMG’s loyal opposition the whole house of cards could collapse, no, they need to appear to sit on the largest fence post ever built, while never, ever mentioning all the criminality and political interference in the post-ref police enquiries. May and the old commies make quite a team!”

And how will former MPs and cabinet ministers pass the time, while waiting to hear the public investigations are all in the long grass and they can go home?

“We’re going to ride pigs. That’s well wicked fun. We’ll all do our Enoch Powell impersonations to entertain passing kids. Foot races clearly. You saw how fast I moved on the 24th June 2016? Knowing I had totally screwed the pooch! I’d be surprised if even David Davis can run faster them me.”

Screwing the pooch? That sounds like a game you and your mates could play.

“Don’t be silly. We’re trotters not woofers. Now, if you don’t mind me I’ve got to stare at a pile of blank pages I promised to turn into a memoir.”

How’s that coming along?

“You try writing a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure and come back and ask again.”

Well, at least Trotters is certain to be a roaring success!

“It’s odds on. I’m having hoodies made with the Conservative Party logo, the burning tree on them. That way, when I shout ‘hug a hoodie’ no one will get sick in their mouth when they do it.”

Good luck Dave!

“Catch me if you can!”

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Middle classes advised not to bother stockpiling food as poor are just going to loot your homes

The government has some timely advice for anxious middle class families considering stockpiling food in preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

”Don’t,” Dominic Raab, Secretary of State for Seeing Through Criminal Conspiracies, told LCD Views, “why waste precious pounds on pot noddles when you should be arming yourself to the teeth instead?”

The call to arms issued by the Secretary of State, has been echoed by cabinet colleagues.

”I’ve been practising horse riding on a giant stag,” Sajid Javid told us also, “and I’ve bought a replica cavalry lance. Clearly I will have all the protection I need when the food rioting really gets exciting, being Home Secretary, but I might like to run through a few hoodies just for the thrill of it.”

Andrea Leadsom was next up.

”I purchased this sawn off shotgun down a back street near Waltamstow Market. I even got the old geezer who sold it to me to throw in some additional boxes of rounds by threatening to have him arrested. Clearly as a cabinet minister I’ll have all the protection I need when cars start burning in the streets, but I have natural maternal instincts. I’ll be protecting my family myself, if only for the sheer fun of it.”

But what are middle class families to do, who may not even now have the spare money for arms and ammunition? How are they to stop the poor streaming down from the estates to loot their larders?

”They should have thrown themselves more vigorously behind the bedroom tax and other measures designed to drive the undesirable classes out of built up areas,” Matt Handcock shrugged, “I would suggest they buy a home defence app. Cyberdine Systems have some amazing class based home defence, smart phone, web based home protection measures. I’ve been flying around the world testing them all out instead of preparing for the looming NHS winter crisis.”

But what if the Russians hack the hell out of our internet just after Brexit and make such applications inoperable?

”Well, you better spend your time sharpening some stakes. When the food queues realise there isn’t any food left, it’s going to get ugly. Fat lot of good a house full of pot noodles is going to do you when they smash in your front door with an axe.”

So there we are. When choosing how to prepare for a no deal Brexit, the best advice is clearly to be prepared to fight.

”Or flight,” Matt adds, “which is what every single MP from across the parties that are bringing you this completely avoidable catastrophe will do.”

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Downing Street denies asking Banksy to draw up and frame withdrawal agreement with EU

10 Downing Street was forced to issue yet another in a near endless stream of denials this afternoon after some intern at DExEU tweeted that the “WA with EU is all stitched up and it’s a seamless and vigorous stitch up, just like my work outs. Hoograh! Just wait until the WA self destructs a minute after Brexit on the 29/03/19”.

The tweet set off a blaze of guesswork in the Westminster village, already at a near fever pitch over whether everyone’s favourite mother, Andrea Leadsom, might be the latest Brexiter to take the slightest opportunity to get out of dodge, before the proverbial hits the fan.

Minutes after the tweet by the intern, named by insiders as a Dominic Raab, Laura Kuenssberg, in theory a BBC journalist, but more correctly the greatest fan of Theresa May’s, and her most helpful fan at that, poured fuel on the fire with the following assault on common sense,

”It’s obvious from Raab’s tweet that Banksy has been approached, most likely commissioned already, to draw up and frame WA with EU”

A minute later she added,

”The WA won’t be worth the paper it’s written on. Is this strong and stable dealmaking? What will Barnier make of the involvement of Britain’s foremost contemporary artist in the Brexit process? Game changer.”

Banksy himself wasn’t available for comment, but an approach to 10 Downing Street by ourselves was met with the following denile,

“The Prime Minister denies commissioning Banksy to draw up and frame a withdrawal agreement with the EU. Your modern, caring Conservatives have absolutely no intention of just getting the EU to agree to whatever vague fudge we can so we can drag the country over the Brexit line on the 29/03/19, and into a playground for kleptocrats and sociopaths. Prophecy must be fulfilled. Nothing must stand in the way of the one true, neocon, asset stripping God of Brexit. Amen.”

We think they doth protest too much. They said they didn’t commission Banksy, they didn’t say they didn’t ask and were told where to go…

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Boris Johnson demands the month of May be renamed after Britain’s next PM Boris Johnson

These days you can’t move for Boris Johnson opening his mouth about something or other, but his latest outburst is an odd one even by his standards.

His latest tirade has been against the month of May, saying it should not share its name with, in his words, “the most incompetent prime minister this party has ever had.”

“It’s ridiculous,” he said. “Why should she of all people have a whole month with her name on it? She doesn’t deserve that!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg too has backed this claim to rename the month. His suggestion is for it to be renamed Mogg, “simply because it’s another short name with the same initial letter.”

Theresa May herself has criticised the idea, saying,

“The month of May has been so named for centuries. The fact that it is also my surname is ultimately a coincidence. But really, it is the most strong and stable month, so it is very appropriate really.”

A compromise option has been suggested by Jeremy Corbyn, namely that of swapping it around with April so that April Fools day is now May Fools Day. This idea was met with criticism, in that switching a couple of month names over would be pointless. After this he revised his suggestion to adding a May Fools Day on either March 29th or June 23rd.

Of course we could have both, but give them different names. Call March 29th May Fools Day, and June 23rd Cameron Fools Day. That could work.

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Buy bombs from Saudi Arabia and bomb Wales to express our shared values says Hunt

British Foreign Secretary Jeremy ‘sounds like’ Hunt has put the emerging scandal surrounding uninvestigated criminality in the Leave campaigns to bed today by asserting “not investigating crime because of political sensitivities is a way of expressing our shared values with our good friends in Saudi Arabia”.

And that’s not all.

”But we can do better,” Hunt went on, mad eyes swivelling, “after we leave the tyrannical grip of Brussels and all those meddling regulations surrounding human rights, we can switch to a net importer of high explosives and begin bombing rural Wales.”

The call to unleash the dogs of war locally, rather than more profitably far overseas where as long as it’s not white Europeans dying than we are promoting traditional British values, has raised a few eyebrows.

”What’s the foreign secretary got against an aerial campaign against Scotland?” Tom Tug-my-hat, Tory MP Kent, demanded, “And why wasn’t I consulted before the decision to bomb Wales was made? I might have decided Norfolk should get it.”

As part of the shoring up of our shared values though, Hunt has more surprises for his colleagues.

”Clearly we should stop women driving, except with a stipulated male relative,” Hunt carried on, “at least until we can work out the nationality of my wife. We should also begin imprisoning dissidents.”

Asked for a response to the foreign secretary’s comments Downing Street issued the following statement,

”While Ms May certainly entertains constant thoughts about military occupation and suppression of the non Little England regions in her realm, mass arms sales to tyrannies is a key plank of our foreign aid. We expect to export even more death by way of desperately seeking cash after we bankrupt the U.K. with Brexit. To begin importing arms would run contrary to this ethical choice.”

They added also,

”We trust our good friends in Saudi Arabia will be more discrete with their state sanctioned murders going forward so we need not worry about pretending to care and potentially losing a key customer for our military-industrial complex to Russia.”