Woman who thinks she is British prime minister reminded she’s not by phone call from Northern Ireland

The woman who thinks she is the British prime minister was reminded she is not earlier today by a phone call from her boss in Northern Ireland.

The woman in question was due to announce a breakthrough in the stalled Brexit negotiations with the EU when she was stopped in her tracks by her mobile ringing.

The ringtone is reportedly ‘Ode to Joy’, chosen in a moment of ironic good humour on the weekend when she thought they’d finally scribbled down a way to keep everyone happy on the back of an envelope someone found rolled up and shoved into an empty fag packet.

“Arlene didn’t like what her junior intended to offer on the grounds it is ideologically impure,” an intern working at Downing Street told LCD, “so I think she got on the blower and told May no way, unless you can shake down the money tree for £2Bn Euros. It’s also possible that she is concerned, from her political standpoint, that an exception for Northern Ireland that puts the customs border in the Irish Sea does make a unified Ireland more likely.

But Arlene will probably be surprised to discover that Brexit itself is going to do that regardless because it’s a wrecking ball smashing into the UK and will break it into pieces.

It’s why Dave Cameron buggered off in gutless haste. So maybe, if you don’t want NI to leave the UK, stop supporting Brexit.”

While it is a little embarrassing for Ms May to have the rug pulled from under her feet at the last moment, it has most likely saved her from working out how to say she was prepared to cut a special deal for one region of the UK, on the very real grounds of risks to people being hurt, but every other region will have to carry on and be economically ruined.

No more so because of the possible disproportionate shift of investment and jobs to Northern Ireland to remain in the sanity of the single market and customs union.

“Arlene has saved her own region from a lot of potential employment by her insistence that where she lives must go over the cliff edge with the whole show.”

It’s not imagined what the solution will be now to progress Brexit negotiations to the stage where the much larger economic power of a bloc of nearly half a billion people with some massive economies becomes the first to offer the U.K. a take it or get stuffed trade deal.

“May will work out how to get through to the stage where it is really clear her agenda completely disempowers the UK internationally, and that taking back control means taking it from the UK and gives it to ten people in Northern Ireland temporarily before handing it lock, stock to anyone who cares to boss it.

It’ll just take a bit more time. But stick with her. She’s bound to have another bright idea any moment that will lead to another catch 22 in which the UK comes out looking like a bunch of headless chickens again. It what’s we do now.”

Don’t focus on me, says egocentric attention-seeker

Donald Trump’s award-winning idiocy has plumbed new depths. The neurotic narcissist has retweeted racist videos from Britain First. His insensitive response  to criticism has astonished even the most cynical Trump watchers.

One of Trump’s hallmarks is his egocentricity. Put simply: me, me, me. But “Don’t focus on me” is a U-turn that Theresa May herself would be proud of.

LCD’s Raving Nutjobs Correspondent spoke to psychologist Dr Meena Greatdeal to gain an insight into the President’s state of mind. “It’s typical attention-seeking,” said Dr Greatdeal. “Saying ‘Don’t focus on me’ still puts the focus on himself. I think that the President is unaware of how he comes across.”

Either that, or he doesn’t care? “Most likely he hasn’t spared a moment on self-analysis,” retorted Dr Greatdeal. “An intelligent person will reflect upon how their words are likely to be received. Trump has less filter than an untipped cigarette.”

An elementary principle of Physics states that Nature abhors a vacuum. In other words, something – anything – will fill an empty space. In the case of Winnie the Pooh, grey fluff occupied the space normally reserved for a brain. The void between Donald Trump’s ears appears to have been filled with viral racist claptrap.

This elementary reasoning goes a long way to explaining Trump’s recent behaviour. Poisonous rhetoric and rampant egomania are two of the necessary conditions to create a despot. Throw in a complete absence of a sense of humour and you have the full set. Trump is following in the hallowed footsteps of Genghis Khan, Jim Davidson, and Iain Duncan Smith.

“Focus on Radical Islamic Terrorism,” is Trump’s petulant advice to Theresa May. As the UK hurtles towards the Brexit cliff edge like a mentally deranged lemming on speed, May has bigger fish to fry.

Donald Trump initially sent his imbecilic tirade to the wrong Theresa May. Maybe there is also a bit of grey fluff in his head after all.

Johnson reassures that with friends like Trump he won’t rush to make us more enemies

Boris Johnson was under pressure today to reassure an anxious United Kingdom that with friends like Donald Trump he will personally do his best not to make the UK any new enemies.

The demand follows on from the latest tweets by the orange skinned argument for birth control who is currently running America on behalf of Russia.

“It’s entirely sensible not to sour relations with anyone beyond the EU27,” Mr Johnson was said to have replied, “I mean, after the twenty seven, aah, former friends across the channel, who are already anxious of how much flesh the rampaging British lion is going to do to their export markets once we leave the EU and can no longer afford to import prosecco, aah, it will be entirely insensible to cheese off anyone new, aaah, with our idiot, racist, dangerous demagogue friend Mr Trump retweeting racist hate speech posted originally by a community organisation famous for fabricating complete bollocks out of a frankly bizarre and disgusting desire to provoke a race war.”

Unfortunately the rest of the governing coalition at Westminster don’t seem so ready to follow the foreign secretary’s lead, while they will pay lip service to outrage.

Trump is still welcome to a state visit even though he is retweeting racist, Nazi garbage, because apparently he’s our friend.

LCD Views community health analyst had this to say,

“It makes you wonder how that old saying, you can judge a person by the company they keep, applies to the UK these days? We’re leaving a union of 27 largely progressive democracies busying enshrining human rights into law and aligning ourselves with a lazy, insecure hate filled man who’ll probably start WW3 just to find a new low to sink to.”

It doesn’t stack up well. We should think about the company we plan on keeping.

Donald Trump to stop messing about now and just begin tweeting Mein Kampf

DONALD’S STRUGGLE : President Donald Trump has moved this afternoon to pour oil on troubled waters after his retweeting of a certain ultra nationalist, racist, delusional British local community group’s fabricated posts caused some people to question whether or not Trump maybe a little bit racist?

“Let’s put minds to rest,” he said, speaking from a white bedsheets naming ceremony, “The fake news media are all is Donald a racist? Is Donald an unstable bigot who’s gonna get us all killed because he’s too narcissistic to let a fat kid in North Korea play with rockets so he’s got to go and tweet something shocking to get the attention back, well”

It went on like this for a considerable time until he offered the confirmation and reassurance of his position on race relations that was asked for.

“From now on, every morning when I’m on the toilet and I’m normally tweeting out whatever bullshit is going through my mind, I’m going to stop all that. That ends now.”

He stopped talking for a moment in order to set fire to a cross on a lawn before continuing,

“I’m going to save all the shock and questions and just start tweeting out Mein Kampf. Page one. Line one. Word one. Starting tomorrow. The author is a personal hero of mine and many of my bestest friends.”

He did add later however, to clarify, that as his struggle is with reading and writing he would be having one of his aides do the actual tweeting.

Asked to respond to the President’s statement an MP from HMG was reluctant to condemn the president, because he’s our friend.

LCD’s ‘How low will we allow ourselves to sink?’ correspondent will have more on this later, once he’s finished throwing up.

Panic as Westminster operating system update allows simple hack with username ‘maybot’ password ‘take_back_control’’

Our technology correspondent can confirm the rumour today of a simple hack discovered which lets any foreign government or media mogul take control of the prime minister, and most of parliament, after experts finally worked out what the hell has been going on in the U.K.

“It’s staggeringly easy to take over Westminster,” Professor Computer advises, “all you need to do is open up a government browser window and go to the prime minister’s home page. You then type in the username ‘maybot’ and password ‘take_back_control’ and you’re off to the races.”

It seems the frighteningly simple security error was actually installed by accident last year when the new prime ministerial robot was activated and put to work in Downing Street.

Warning signs that the integrity of the system had been breached were numerous, it seems, for anyone paying sufficient attention.

“The constant repetition of simple and self contradicting phrases. The obsession with selling bombs to tyrants regardless of the loss of innocent life. And of course, the appointment of a complete and utter buffoon as foreign secretary. These are all the classic symptoms of an infection right at the heart of government.”

It’s believed remedial action needs to be swift before the hacked system demolishes the UK’s economy and chasing significant amounts of highly educated taxpayers away.

Also, if the hack is not dealt with there is a serious risk of food shortages to come and the closure of any last, remaining publicly funded programmes aimed at supporting vulnerable people.

“An update on the 8th of June this year was supposed to include a patch, but it appears to have just made the issue worse,” Professor Computer warns,

“I expect it’s possible the entire system will go into meltdown before whoever has hacked it can complete their mission. So there’s reason to be cautiously optimistic.”

Virgin criticised for chasing lost broadband customers with sales letters in the afterlife

Virgin Media has come under fire today for continuing to stalk lost customers even after death, once they’re in the afterlife.

The shocking revelation came about after a bereaved widow successfully contacted her deceased husband during a seance with a local psychic.

“We got hold of Barry,” a distressed Mrs Barry told LCD’s Virgin never gives it up correspondent. “I had expected him to say it’s alright love, don’t worry about me, I’m in a better place now, but that wasn’t how it went.”

It seems the psychic, famous locally for predicting the winner of the 1974 Grand National, advised Mrs Barry that she could only keep contact with her lost husband for seconds, so not to waste a moment.

“I said Barry, Barry? Can you hear me love?” Mrs Barry related, “He replied, yes my flower, the line is a bit scratchy but I can hear you.”

Mrs Barry then started to ask Mr Barry what he has done with the little slip of paper that had the BT broadband wifi password written on it? But Barry interrupted her, sounding angry and frustrated.

“Tell Virgin to sod off! We switched from them five years ago because I didn’t like the service. They chased me into the grave with sales letters and now I’m getting them in the bleeding afterlife! Enough is enough. Cut it out!”

Mrs Barry was unable to ask anymore questions because the psychic lost the connection at that point and Barry drifted back across the division between the mortal plane and the afterlife.

“I’m gutted. I haven’t been able to get online since Barry passed away and now it seems I’ll be stuck without Netflix forever.”

LCD write to Virgin Media to inquire if they didn’t think their chasing of lost customers was a little too persistent?

They sent us four hundred and fifty seven sales letters in reply and more are arriving each day. We are to move offices shortly to make them go away.

Immigration rule change shock threatens to deport MPs on basis of having too few skills

LCD Views has heard from a source inside the Home Office that proposed changes to the immigration rules on skilled worker entry after Brexit is causing alarm as it will see all pro-Brexit MPs deported as none of them possess sufficient skills allowing them to stay.

“It’s a nightmare,” our source revealed, “when they were drafting the new rules they forgot to include ‘inheriting lots of money and privilege’ as a skill.”

The inclusion of this would not have secured the right to remain in the U.K. for all pro-Brexit MPs after March 2019, but it would have secured the majority.

“Really no one saw any of this coming. Apparently tying your shoelaces alone isn’t counted by any sectors of industry as a high skill. So that’s more Brexit backing MPs at risk.

Almost being able to blink both eyes together isn’t what anyone is looking for. Running a political coup to serve offshore interests is not even deemed valuable.

Gove successfully had ‘stabbing people in the back in politics’, but it was deemed to actually be a negative skill by the computer. Davis managed to have ‘hiding important pieces of paper under chairs’, but again, no one actually wants that in the broader economy. Theresa May personally jammed, ‘turning in circles all the time’, but apparently we already have tools called drills that do it. Automation has taken over her key skill.

We’re at a real loss.”

Further complications are bound to arise with the new rules regarding the heritage required to maintain citizenship.

“Anyone foreign or with foreign background. It’s creating more problems! Apparently, as Brexitiannia will only be for ‘proper British people patriot missiles’ anyone with a sniff of foreign blood is going to be deported.

But when we did a sample test we found the majority of the population is on a boat at Dover on the 30th March 2019.”

Still, it’s not all lost, one potential upside will be an alleviation of the problem of food rotting in fields, as there won’t be anyone in the country left to feed.

“We’re going to have to take skills out of the entry requirements or we’ll lose a big piece of Westminster overnight. How would the country manage to govern itself without pro-Brexit MPs?”

Civil servants walking barefoot to Mount Doom in Brexitdor to hurl redacted statements into the fires

LCD Views There and Back again correspondent has received news this evening that a fellowship of plucky civil servants have begun walking barefoot to Mount Doom in Brexitdor to dispose of the redacted sections of the Brexit impact statements.

“One referendum to bind them and in the Leaver darkness to bind them,” our correspondent whispers huskily.

“Each redacted page or paragraph or even word has this statement inscribed by magic elf fire on the paper. This has been scrunched into a powerful circle by the shit wizard Davis before he commanded the civil servants to go on their mission.”

It’s believed the servants are under a certain amount of time pressure to reach the erupting mountain and toss the edited out sections in.

“They have Keir Starmer on their tail too. He’s a proper Gollum, well some days. And most shockingly of all, a half rate wizard who inherited his magic via a mystical bank account called Rees-smegg.

It’s possible they may be caught and forced to hand over the papers and then God only knows what will happen should they fall into hands that will just show everyone what they already know!”

LCD has heard also from some rather unhelpful critics of shit wizard David’s strategy who have suggested that if he was that serious about keeping the reports secret from the dark alliance of parliamentary democracy he could just have called some giant eagles down to take them to Mount Doom a damn sight faster.

“They must be joking. A giant eagle would probably cart wizard Davis off and drop him into Mount Doom instead! Giant eagles don’t really do contempt of parliament.”

We wish the civil servants all the best.

It’s unlikely any of them will carry on and reach Mount Doom if they actually stop and read what they hold in their hands.

David Davis only handed over 52% of impact assessments because the other 48% doesn’t matter

David Davis, MP for at least a full half an arse, has coming out swinging this afternoon in the face of criticism of his having redacted information from the so called Brexit impact assessments.

“I gave the select committee of meddling representatives the 52% that matters,” he blustered, “the other 48% is of no consequence anymore. It’s blindingly obvious if you see how we behave. The final decision of democracy in the U.K. was taken on the 23rd June 2016.

He expressed further concerns that the EU might have spies within the actual committees of government as further reason for withholding information in spite of the direction of parliament.

“He’s trying to add to the mood music,” an aide to Davis told LCD, “EU spies and potential leaked and traded information. It’s guff to try and instill an us versus them. When we all know currently it’s them, our own MPs, versus us the people.”

There is some sense in that given that expecting the EU has things to find out about the UK is a bit like expecting any couple getting divorced after forty odd years of marriage not to know each other inside out.

Davis is talking nonsense. It’s the people he serves he doesn’t want to see whatever perfunctory work he’s done.

Although Davis will continue to bluster and waste time before capitulating. The defining trait of the May administration.

“Davis should just have handed over 1% of the reports,” LCD’s Tax Haven specialist commented, “as that is really the only percent that is being served by Brexit.”

Markle to wear new family hat for wedding just to destroy minds of Daily Mail readers

LCD Views can exclusively reveal this afternoon that bride to be Meghan Markle is to wear the famous Windsor family hat on her wedding day just to completely destroy the minds of Daily Mail readers.

“I’m not sure what colour dress she will be wearing,” LCD’s only royal watcher commented, “But I know from my source inside the royal wardrobe that the Queen’s famous EU flag hat is being moved to secure storage as we speak to prevent any attempt to sabotage it before the big day.”

It’s believed the choice of hat is a response to the suspected struggle most Daily Mail readers are experiencing over a non-white woman marrying into the royal family.

“It’s an incredibly difficult issue for them,” our correspondent continued, “I understand the Mail is to set up a special helpline just to help talk to any readers with barely concealed, or totally revealed, racism through the brain busting news that yay! there’s to be a royal wedding, but omfg the bride is not British.”

It’s believed the Queen herself offered the hat to Ms Markle just as she was in the process of asking for it.

“They know they’re going to get on. The first thought both had was how to quietly comment on the lunacy the country is embarked on in a way that was as subtle as a brick.”

The Daily Mail itself is said to be close to boycotting the entire event, unless they can find some dirt on Meghan to sour the ceremony for everyone.

“Believe me they are hard at work digging holes to try and find anything to smear Ms Markle with. She is their worst nightmare. Mixed heritage. Foreign born. Humanitarian worker. Europhile. It’s like the end of the world has come for the Mail, that she should be engaged to a royal.”