David Davis is expected to announce this key policy during the second phase of Brexit talks. Echoing Donald Trump’s pledge to build a border wall with Mexico, Davis now wants a wall along the British border with the EU.
“We will build this wall, and the EU will pay,” Davis claimed at a press conference earlier today. “It’s their fault entirely. We were quite happy to prop up their crumbling regime, until they started nagging us about bendy bananas and employment rights and other such trivia. They drove us away, so they have to pay!”
LCD’s Walking On Water correspondent asked how this would be achieved. “Simple, all you need is a willing team of brickies from Eastern Europe,” replied Davis. “They can build it on their way out.”
But, the English channel is made of water, our correspondent insisted. “The wall will float, like a castle in the air,” countered Davis. “It will be both strong and stable. That’s what Brexit is all about.”
What about shipping? “British ships will use the British side, and foreign ships will use the foreign side,” said Davis. “It’s that simple. There will be no need to actually cross the channel after we leave the EU for good.”
Further plans regarding the wall were revealed. On the British side, a mural of great wartime victories, Winston Churchill, the Queen and the Union Jack will be painted. This is designed to encourage any feeble-minded souls who erroneously think of leaving Britain. Naturally, the skips and the building rubble will be on the foreign side.
To celebrate the grand opening of the wall, the remaining members of Pink Floyd have been contacted, requesting that they reform to perform The Wall, their joyous celebration of Global Britain. This has been met with a unanimous silence. Fortunately, David Davis remarked “I have a cassette of The Wall at home somewhere, I’ll see if I can dig it out.”
Pink Floyd would have been frogmarched to the border and denied re-entry for treason, except for the fact that they are all far too rich.
We contacted the EU’s Construction Department to comment on Davis’ initiative. Much was lost in translation, but the gist was “good luck with that, mate.”