Winter refusing to say when it’s coming this year

LCD Views has the scoop today on the trials and tribulations currently being faced by world famous weatherman Jon Snow as he attempts to provide a comprehensive forecast for the months ahead.

”He’s not a bastard. Let’s get that clear at the start,,” a talking wolf told us on the condition of anonymity.

Well, he knows who his mum and dad are now. So we can put that to rest, yes. But what about winter?

“Winter is refusing to say when it’s coming this year, normally every year Winter tells Jon it’s coming. And it keeps telling him. And it doesn’t stop telling him. And he tells all of us. But this year…”

Quite what Mr Snow will do is anyone’s guess if he can’t get the lowdown soon.

”He’s time on his side, as he’s not your day to day weather person. No point asking him if it will be good weather for a picnic on the weekend. He’ll just look at you as if you’re insane. He’s a seasonal specialist. You’d think just the inevitable tilting of the Earth on its axis would be a clue for him, but in these crazy times, you can’t be sure of anything.”

Surely he’s bigger fish to fry anyway?

”You mean his complex love life and the legal issues relating to recent discoveries of who he’s been shagging? And the potential for complication of fragile harmonies relating to a life and death war against evil?”

Around that general area, yes.

”Oh, good. For a moment I worried you were going to say winter was already here.”

 

U.K. expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream

LCD Views can report this morning on exhaustive social media analysis undertaken by the largely discredited University of Life.

”The U.K. is expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream,” Professor H‘ardknocks told our social trends correspondent.

”It doesn’t matter where you sit on the political spectrum. If you’re a leaver you can’t understand why WE DONT JUST LEEVE GET OUT NOW!. If you’re a remainer, well, you’re sure this is a nightmare, rather than a dream. Any moment you’ll bolt upright in your bed and know Theresa May wasn’t actually given Henry VIII powers by parliament. Because who in their right mind would give the author of the Hosile Environment that sort of unchecked say over the many?”

Is this largely because we had a whole world war about the dark forces driving along with Brexit, and calling the tune of the Tories, and everyone was invited?

“Precisely.”

What about if you’re a diehard Corbyn supporter?

”We’ll, you’re pinching yourself expecting to wake up. To finally have the messiah so close to absolute power, even if he shows little visible sign of really wanting it, is like a dream come true. It’s even more a dream come true if you ignore all his actions since the referendum and what they mean for your rights. What sort of social democrat supports a hard right project? It’s not real. It must be a dream.”

And what about if you’re Theresa May? The fall guy for the neocon, asset stripping, human hating psychos who’ll hang you out to dry a minute after Brexit?

”Do androids dream of electric sheep?”

Good question.

”It is. I’d say the Maybot is having the time of her pre-programmed life. Getting to turf out millions of foreigners? Yes. A dream come true.”

Rubbish dumps contain adequate food, claims Michael Gove

Michael Gove has gone back to basics. Scavenging through garbage is a return to being hunter-gatherers, he claims.

LCD Views’ Talking Rubbish correspondent stopped washing and shaving for a few months, donned a filthy duffel coat, borrowed a dog on a string, and went to see the man himself.

“Searching for food is a primal human instinct!” Gove slobbered. “And we all know that supermarkets waste food. Adequate means adequate. Put the two together. It’s a complete no-brainer!”

We suggested, tentatively, that the idea was a particularly brainless one. To our surprise, Gove agreed.

“I discovered the idea while rifling through Jacob Rees-Mogg’s gilt-edged waste parchment basket,” he drooled. “No brain work, but some highly effective recycling! I think you will find that we have very few original ideas, it saves a lot of effort.”

We live in a prosperous first world country, we said. Yet you conjure up images of starving children scouring rubbish dumps for items to eat or sell. Why?

“We will all have to tighten our belts for a short while,” Gove dribbled. “Thirty, fifty or a hundred years, that’s all. You must keep on thinking of the bigger picture. Freedom, sovereignty and a golden future! And we start by searching out nuggets of gold on our own doorsteps. There’s gold in them thar garbage heaps!”

We put it to Gove that simply redistributing surplus food to the hungry would be a more effective way to deal with the problem.

“No, no, no, not at all,” he oozed. “That’s charity, which leaves no room for profit, which is creeping socialism for a creeping Jesus like you, which is very very bad. This way does more for my green credentials!”

You will be suggesting that families send their children up chimneys next!

“Ooh! Thank you!” he slimed. “Note to self: Families can only apply for Universal Credit if they can prove that their children have spent 16 hours a week up a chimney. Lunch?”

The kebab, abandoned last night on top of the dog poo bin, topped with a sprinkling of leaves and seasoned with rainfall, suddenly seemed quite appealing.

BBCQT production company awarded contract to produce next season of PMQ’s by Downing Street

Amazing news from the Westminster bubble today with the announcement from Downing Street that the integrity driven production company behind BBCQT production has been awarded the contract to produce the next season of PMQ’s.

“By awarding this contract to Sieg Hile TV we will see a return to balance in a format that has often been criticised for being snowflake central,” Mr S Atan, aide to the prime minister’s office told LCD Views.

”Total gammon in the lower house, that’s what you can expect,” he continued, “we expect there will be significant recasting too. A Hitler is to be resurrected to takeover on the prime minister’s dispatch box and J Stalin is in and J Corbyn is out.”

To ensure even greater ratings success the MPs making up the audience in the chamber will be recast too.

”On one side total gammon. Wall to wall salted pork. Also your standard Tory plants. You know the type, joined the Nazi youth at twelve before failing to get elected to a local council at eighteen. Now day jobbing as a rent a crowd member whenever Conservatives need one.”

And on the opposition benches?

”There won’t be any opposition benched. This isn’t a change from the last couple of years of course. But the space will be filled. Mostly it will be filled with Nigel Farage, Paul Nuttall, Isabel Oakeshit and any other neocon stooge we can find.”

The filming of the revised PMQ’s begins this week with the return of parliament.

”Expect a lot of shouting and do not expect anyone who’s gone mad with PC in the audience. Racism, sexism, xenophobia and fetishising of autocratic tendencies will be on the menu and it’ll be shoved down your throats whether you like it or not.”

Oh, so not much of a change after all.

Corbyn to appeal for support from Conservative voters by reminding them he backs Brexit

Jeremy Corbyn is wasting no time, which is unusual, in responding to his colleague Theresa May’s naked grab for his own support base.

In an op-ed piece published exclusively in the new look Daily Mail today he makes his own appeal for support from Conservative voters.

”Who was it that called for the immediate trigger of Article 50 after the June 23rd 2016 EU referendum?”

He begins on the front foot.

”Who was it that three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50, acting as ally to a beleaguered prime minister in this matter? Before, and this is very important to understand, any serious analysis or preparation of the implications of the decision had been undertaken by the government it is my job to hold to account in our adversarial parliamentary system.”

He follows with a left jab.

”Indeed, who was it who denied their own party whip to vote for an EU ref in 2011, alongside my allies on the Tory benches. Even though we were unsuccessful then, we didn’t give up on Brexit. We fought on.”

He lands a blow some will call low.

”And who is it now who has carried on with ‘constructive ambiguity’ on Brexit even as the jobs and investment and skilled people drain away from the United Kingdom, alongside our internal reputation.”

Good questions.

”My supporters say I can’t do anything about Brexit because I am not in government. For this reason I have also dropped my opposition to austerity and universal credit. Because I can’t do anything about it but watch passively as the Tories tear our social fabric to shreds. I am powerless. But I am also your friend.”

He then completes his appeal with a head butt.

”If you examine my record properly on Brexit, my conservative friends, you will find a natural home for the euroskeptic in today’s modern, 1970’s Labour Party. By pledging to end freedom of movement and withdraw from the single market, your Labour Party, led by me, has succeeded in assisting the Conservatives in throwing the lives of millions into turmoil on either side of the channel,

So in the general election pegged for this December, vote for me, your very own bad Santa.”

Soros facing bankruptcy as class action for unpaid wages by remainers and Trump opponents begins

George Soros is facing bankruptcy as a class action for unpaid wages by remainers and Trump opponents begins in Budapest.

”He’s stuffed,” our legal eagle, Mr Bald, says, “you think of the millions of people he’s employed on social media to fight Brexit and resist the authoritarian presidency of Donald Trump? Then the people he pays in Hungary to argue against Orban? And all his other employees resisting the far right around the globe? That’s an unpaid wage bill even Trump would be proud of.”

The legal case, which is expected to last about five minutes and be held in the offices of the Budapest office of the Telegraph, is certain to find against the aged philanthropist and investor.

”It’ll be a kangaroo court with a definite international flavour,” Mr Bald continues, “the judge is an Express editor.”

Why the action is taking place in the newspaper office of a city under the control of an increasingly autocratic and dubious government is not quite clear though. What’s wrong with the Old Bailey?

”It’s only necessary to convict him in the court of public opinion,” Mr Bald explains, “this is a fundamental change to the rule of law ushered in by Brexit. It’s going to save everyone masses on legal costs.”

And will our own international enterprise benefit from a backdated windfall, after all, we focus on Brexit a lot.

”No. We’re paid up Tory shills, as some of the more feverish supporters of Corbyn like to explain to us, after exhaustive examination of our time line.”

So we need to sue the Conservative Party then?

”I’ll get right on it. With their access to the magic money tree a settlement in our favour is guaranteed.”

If you’ve yet to receive your payment, after arguing against either Brexit or Trump, we recommend you get onto the legal team representing the Soros social media conspiracy and ask for whatever you think you’re owed.

May to appeal to Labour voters for support now she’s alienated all the Tory ones

Theresa May (Extreme Tory) PM is set to appeal for support from Labour and centre voters by continuing to deny they even exist.

”It’s important to get on with the job of governance,” Mr Stock Holm, an aide to the PM, told LCD Views, “this is made a touch difficult after alienating all your support.”

But…

”But by denying the existence of the centre of British politics (evidenced by every policy decision taken since 2016), and the ground to the left and right, we can do that more fully by tapping into the voters on the far right. Which curiously means Labour voters currently as Labour leaders are also supporting the far right by pursuing Brexit.”

But that is not all?

”They share the most memes. The extremes. Theye are good at memes. Also, by appealing to Labour, it makes governing easier, because most active Labour activists are really bloody easy to distract,

”Start a story that the “leader” planted an illegal variety of turnip in his allotment that is only found in a Soviet era gulag and they’ll obsess over that smear for weeks. This leaves us free to continue our policy of making everything required to run society user pays, while still increasing taxes by stealth for those who can’t evade them. Of course many users can’t pay. This allows Darwinian forces to rid us of the lazy.”

The appeal to Labour and the centre will be made directly via editorials in right wing, tax dodger owned tabloid, propaganda rags.

”It’s sure to hit home. With the far right. Which are supported by the far left. As the centre doesn’t exist, proven by the loss of our majority in the 2017 GE, and the surge of green and orange voteshare at the local elections, we’ll be able to govern by further dodgy deals with minority forces in British politics. This will make our policies more extreme, which will further appeal to the far right. And distract the far left. Making them more vitriolic and less likely to attract swing, centre support. This is fine as the centre doesn’t exist. This all makes perfect sense.”

But what of the danger from the far left of British politics also denying the centre doesn’t exist?

”Oh, Yes, it’s a risk alright. Good old comrade Corbs and his policy of also leaving the single market to stop all those job thieves crossing the English Channel, he is also denying the centre exists. He’s also alienating his support slowly. But he’s pleasing the far right. But it will be okay, if we can just cling onto power long enough a lot of his voters will get fed up and won’t know who to vote for at all. Which is alright, for the far right.”

Who no one is denying the existence of?

”Clearly. As Brexit means Brexit and that’s a policy that unites. As you can see, it’s all very straightforward. We both main parties committed to Brexit there is no need for an actual policy fight.”

Concentration of the Earth’s wealth in one place causes climate change

Climate change has sometimes been linked, tenuously, to rampant capitalism. Now a more direct connection has been discovered. Capitalism has literally sent the Earth’s orbit out of kilter.

The extra weight displacement is the problem. Tons and tons of gold have been moved to the Cayman Islands. The result is startling.

Astrophysicist Melton Glacier clarified the science for LCD Views. “Gold is very heavy,” he explained. “Putting hundreds of tons of the stuff on a Pacific atoll to stop anyone else getting at it causes a shift in the Earth’s centre of gravity.”

This in turn alters the balance of the Earth. It changes its orbit and angle of rotation slightly – but enough to cause some weird weather.

“The path the Earth takes around the Sun has changed,” Glacier continued. “This makes for hotter summers and colder winters.”

There is a limit, however. “And it’s not what you might think!” said Glacier. “Sooner or later the Cayman Islands will collapse under the weight of gold. Nobody knows when this might be, because nobody knows quite how much gold is hidden away.”

The ensuing tsunami will cause massive, widespread destruction and the precious gold will be buried for ever. NASA is preparing to move Heaven and Earth to find a solution

The gravity of the situation weighs heavily on Glacier’s mind. “Gravity means gravity,” he sighs. “It has the potential to cause a chaotic orbit. The Earth could break free from the solar system. It would then wander through space at will, but lose the warmth of the sun.”

The Earth will in all probability find another host star. Little green men from Alpha Centauri are not happy about this.

“We don’t want any more aliens invading us,” claimed little green president Kleeroff Weerful, via a translation matrix from several light years’ distance. “They will drain our resources and they talk funny. We hate non-greens!”

It’s a big old universe out there, but some themes are universal.

Testing reveals paper on Trump’s sole is cleaner than his soul

LCD Views can report this morning that extensive laboratory testing carried out overnight on the toilet paper stuck to Donald Trump’s sole has shown it to be far cleaner than his soul.

”It was just an ungodly mess,” Professor Seint Petyr of the Hades Institute for Judging People told LCD Views,

“in all my years of work, both in the field and in the lab, I’ve rarely seen some two-ply paper which was inadvertently dropped on the floor rather than in the bowl in this condition.”

The Professor showed us a series of slides at this point. We have chosen not to reproduce because we are a clean and hygienic publication.

”How the paper managed to remain intact and stuck to the shoe of the serial draft dodging, misogynistic tax evader is anyone’s guess. We can’t even guess and we’re experts! So once we set to comparison of the paper and the soul of the dog whistling racist, white supremacy advocating president who somehow still made it into the Oval Office in spite of being on tape confessing to serial sexual harassments, well, we had to hold our noses. Nothing really prepared us for what we found embedded in the crinkles and folds of Donald Trump’s soul. Quite amazing. I doubt even the strongest bleach will remove the accumulation of hate peddling, self serving shit that adheres there. External fire may burn it off, but would probably result in the destruction also of the underlying substance. And then think of how efficient the ventilation will need to be.”

Given the devastating results of the analysis, we thought it only fair to allow the paper itself comment.

”I couldn’t believe it,” the toilet paper that was stuck to the President of the United State’s shoe said, “I don’t know how much Soros paid the numerous aides and security accompanying the president not to mention to him he had me stuck to his sole before he was filmed? But I would hazard a guess at nothing at all. They presumably just keep quiet and tried not to laugh out loud,

”I mean if you were one of that big child’s minders who had to constantly contend with his tantrums, wouldn’t you?”

Irish border issue resolved after red line on the map redrawn as a dotted line

The Irish border. That pesky Red Line. One of the biggest sticking points in the Brexit negotiations. The harder the Brexit, the harder the border. So how can you have an Irish border that is both there and not there? Simple. You redraw it as a broken line.

All sides insist that the border must remain open and frictionless. But any Brexit worthy of the name necessarily includes a land border between the UK and the EU. So the border must be both there and not there. You might say it’s neither here or there, but it’s most definitely there.

The solution came from an unlikely source. Physical geographer Dr Shannon Estuary explains. “All borders are artificial, to some extent,” she said. “In many cases, they are simply red lines drawn on to a map, often in an arbitrary manner. The British are past masters at drawing borders. To stop the red line becoming an obstacle, you can simply rub bits out and leave a dotted line.”

Dr Estuary clarifies how neat this solution is. “It means you can have a hard border where you want it to be hard, and frictionless transit in between!” she boasted. “A solution Boris Johnson himself would be proud of.”

It would give the border a whole new look, she emphasised. “It would mean a shake-up,” she said. “The border would wiggle up and down like a snake. It would be above ground in some places, below in others, but most definitely present throughout its whole length!”

Construction would be problematic, she concedes. “However, since the UK is so determined to kick out unskilled European tradesmen, the Republic would have to take them in, and make them build the dotted border,” she said. “We wouldn’t need to pay them, call it a thank-you for allowing them to scrounge off us for so long.”

So long, and thanks for all the bricks.