David Davis insists that the EU pays for the wall he wants to build half way across the English channel

David Davis is expected to announce this key policy during the second phase of Brexit talks. Echoing Donald Trump’s pledge to build a border wall with Mexico, Davis now wants a wall along the British border with the EU.

“We will build this wall, and the EU will pay,” Davis claimed at a press conference earlier today. “It’s their fault entirely. We were quite happy to prop up their crumbling regime, until they started nagging us about bendy bananas and employment rights and other such trivia. They drove us away, so they have to pay!”

LCD’s Walking On Water correspondent asked how this would be achieved. “Simple, all you need is a willing team of brickies from Eastern Europe,” replied Davis. “They can build it on their way out.”

But, the English channel is made of water, our correspondent insisted. “The wall will float, like a castle in the air,” countered Davis. “It will be both strong and stable. That’s what Brexit is all about.”

What about shipping? “British ships will use the British side, and foreign ships will use the foreign side,” said Davis. “It’s that simple. There will be no need to actually cross the channel after we leave the EU for good.”

Further plans regarding the wall were revealed. On the British side, a mural of great wartime victories, Winston Churchill, the Queen and the Union Jack will be painted. This is designed to encourage any feeble-minded souls who erroneously think of leaving Britain. Naturally, the skips and the building rubble will be on the foreign side.

To celebrate the grand opening of the wall, the remaining members of Pink Floyd have been contacted, requesting that they reform to perform The Wall, their joyous celebration of Global Britain. This has been met with a unanimous silence. Fortunately, David Davis remarked “I have a cassette of The Wall at home somewhere, I’ll see if I can dig it out.”

Pink Floyd would have been frogmarched to the border and denied re-entry for treason, except for the fact that they are all far too rich.

We contacted the EU’s Construction Department to comment on Davis’ initiative. Much was lost in translation, but the gist was “good luck with that, mate.”

JC inaction man figure sales halted after he crosses shop floor to prop up May dolls

Manufacturers ordered an immediate halt to sales of Jeremy Corbyn inaction man figures today after the dolls crossed the toy store shop floor to prop up tottering Theresa May ones.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw it,” shop floor assist Mo Mentum told LCD Views’ Living Dangerously correspondent,

“these aren’t supposed to be battery powered, just wind up ones that shuffle back and forth a bit singing the old Soviet national anthem.

We don’t know how they’re doing it. And we’re buggered if we know why, if we’re honest. Although I’ll personally be calling anyone who says anything critical of the dolls a Blairite.”

The manufacturers were already facing serious criticism for the fact that no fence was included with the JC dolls for people to sit him on.

“The little red book was there. A hammer. A sickle. A scythe. A manifesto commitment to renationalise the railways, something most people can agree on, even Chris Grayling when he’s honest, but no Brexit sitting fence.

People felt short changed, but they were reluctant to return the dolls out of a lingering sense of hope they don’t want crushed.”

Understandable.

But with the sudden awareness that the dolls are capable of supporting others expected to be arch enemies on ideological grounds, sales had to be halted while the makers worked out how to stop it happening.

“Imagine if this sort of thing were to happen in the House of Commons?

Say, regarding some controversial legislation that threatened to potentially reduce the rights of 65M+ people, create economic hardship and all there was to show for it was a blue booklet?

There would be riots if the official opposition didn’t use that moment to get a dangerous and divisive government out of office!”

It’s hoped sales of the dolls will recommence once a way is found to stop the JC dolls supporting the May ones.

“Have you seen the state of the Jeremy Hunt Hospital Play Set?

We can’t update those ones in any satisfactory way until we’ve cleared out the May dolls, but people won’t buy either while JC ones are found next to May dolls. It’s downright scary.”

Asked for comment a Labour Party spokesman replied,

“People are commiting class betrayal by claiming that whoever designed the latest version of the dolls, the more populist, less principled model, don’t know their arse from their elbows. They need to be quiet and get back in line.

 

Just leave the JC dolls to do what they like. After we seize power we’ll be nationalising toy production anyway and each Corbyn doll will come with a magic Brexit unicorn big enough for you to ride on.”

Plastic bag tax to rise from 5p to £1,000 a bag to pay for Brexit

Michael Gove took to the stage today in a sorry mood to announce the plastic bag tax will rise from 5p to £1,000 a bag by the end of the year in order to pay for Brexit.

“It’s the prime minister’s idea,” A despondent Mr Gove explained, “You understand it’s not my idea. As minister for merchandising the environment this charge falls under my remit, but it’s not my idea. I hope that is really clear. I still want to be prime minister one day.”

It’s thought the minor increase in the charge will be staged throughout 2018, as bad economic news related to Brexit lands in big, steaming chunks across the country.

“I’m doing everything I can to make it easier for shoppers,” Gove added, “It will not go up to a rio grande all at once. I’m going to raise it to £999.98 in May and then £999.99 in August. This way people will have time to adjust before it goes to £1,000 just before Christmas.”

Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the increase in the tax, but expressed concerns that the extra money raised won’t be spent on environmental causes.

The treasury though was said to be less sanguine about the prime minister’s plan.

“Hammond fears the dramatic increase in value of plastic bags will lead to bags replacing the new plastic notes as currency. We spent a lot of time designing those nostril cutting notes. It would be a shame if it was wasted effort. Although I suppose, we could legislate for plastic bag manufacturers to print famous women’s faces on the bags, thus doing our bit for equality?”

At either rate, people will have to be careful, once the levy increases, not to tear or otherwise damage the bags while shopping.

“I wouldn’t use the plastic bags for shopping anymore, right now,” Michael Gove advised, quietly, “I’ll start storing them at home somewhere dry and safe. It’s likely, once we’ve finished with you, they’ll be the only valuable item you’ll be able to bequeath to your children.”

Hunt celebrates bossing his boss with hospital bed closing ceremony

Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Rhymes Hunt, was found in a celebratory mood this morning as he pulled the curtain closed on a hospital bed, in a ceremony celebrating keeping his job.

“I’m ecstatic!” He told the gathered NHS staff at a hospital in Brokenbed, Staffordshire, “I love nothing more than reducing the number of beds. It decreases costs for the NHS and increases costs in the vending machines in A&E departments.”

It’s believed the bed closing ceremony will be replicated across the country all week.

“It was actually really funny,” Jeremy told the staff, “that daft woman called me in to sack me and I told her ‘sit down Theresa, I’m not going anywhere, in fact, you’re giving me a fancier job title to boot’.”

It’s believed Mr Hunt had previously told Tory whips he would be happy with a demotion to the business portfolio.

“I told them sure, no problem, I want to spend more time with my family anyway.”

But it seems it was just a set up so he could boss the prime minister about and make her look ridiculous and weak.

“Gove, Boris and myself still hope the magic choosing hat will choose any one of us to be prime minister this year. But we have to keep undermining May until Boris can work out how to u turn on Brexit.”

The incumbent at business, a Mr Clarke, was said to be relieved at Hunt’s strategic cleverness, as he’s already operating at the top of his game in the less prominent ministry, and was terrified of public exposure.

Even though the bed closing ceremonies will go on all week, Hunt says the pressures of office preclude him from closing every bed personally.

“Sadly, I don’t have the time, but not to worry, I’ve outsourced the rest of the closures to a subsidiary of Virgin Health. I had to, otherwise they’d sue!”

Outrage over Home Office plans for burgundy ration books

LCD Views has learned of fury in the halls of Brexit today with the revelation that the Home Office has put out to tender the printing of burgundy ration books.

“It’s supposed to be another genius snub to the EU, which passed a law forcing all member states to produce burgundy passports in 1954, but it’s potentially an own goal by the government,” LCD’s Futures correspondent, N Ostradamus reveals, “for how much burgundy incenses Brexiters. And we’re all Brexiters now.”

The ration books are expected to be made by a Saudi Arabian company, in a tie-up cash for U.K. made bombs deal. This is a win win which is designed at diversifying our middle eastern friend’s economy, away from oil and into print.

“We’ve ordered eighty million of them,” N Ostradamus reveals, “more than the current official population of the U.K., but ask any hardline conservative and they’ll tell you for a fact there’s at least fifteen million illegals hiding in the shires. They won’t get ration books, but it’s worried the indigenous population may eat the books while queuing for bread. We’ll need spares.”

LCD Views suggests, if it’s not too late to change direction, that classic British blue would have been the more patriotic choice.

Labour have criticised the plan too.

“A jobs first Brexit will mean most of the able population tilling our nationalised farms and fields. There won’t be any need for rations. People can eat the fallen fruit in the fields as they turning over sods of soil.”

But we perceive the greater danger is the Saudi’s accidentally dropping crates of burgundy ration books on Yemenis after a potential mix up talking to Boris Johnson.

That’s no good.

We only recycle oil money properly when they drop British made bombs and we turn a blind eye. Well, unless they drop the bombs on a population that can perhaps make it to Europe as war refugees. Then it’s a front page Daily Mail issue that we can all shake our fists about.

Presumably some ration books will make it to British soil, so we suggest you order your blue ration book covers now to conceal the treasonous burgundy. They’d make great birthday and Christmas presents in advance of March 2019.

“They should just make the new blue passports dual use,” N Ostradamus recommends, “it’s not like anyone, except the wealthiest, will be able to afford a holiday after March 2019, and I can’t see Jacob Rees-mogg queuing for food, can you?”

No, he’ll send a servant instead, like all the people driving Brexit.

Man expects to solve riddle of how to get into gov with a jobs first Brexit by 1st April 2019 at latest

A man who millions of people admire because he’s not like others expects to solve the riddle of how to get into government with a jobs first Brexit by 1st April 2019, at the latest.

“We’re working really hard on it. The whole team,” the man reassured his fans and supporters while seemingly immobile, “we’re building a movement right now.”

This is enough for some, but for the others,

“The only good Brexit is a jobs first Brexit.

We can do that by assisting our colleagues in government so fully on Brexit that they won’t notice we’re seamlessly out polling them while seeming to be supporting them.”

It appears the only major hurdle is how to actually get the other party off their benches, so Labour can sit on them instead, while routinely voting in support of their most important policy agenda.

“It’s totally got me stumped,” the man admitted, “you would have thought a minority government propped up by a bunch of creationists, who most likely can’t be relied upon in a crunch, would be easy to displace.”

More so because they are pursuing an incredibly divisive agenda which all evidence suggests is going to completely trash the economy of the country, while simultaneously belittling it diplomatically.

“And they’re doing this while pursuing domestic policies that some suggest are now indirectly killing people who need medical treatment or welfare support.”

You would have thought the way to bring such a government down would be clear, but apparently not.

“I’m sure we’ll find the magic bullet sooner or later, definitely by the first of April 2019.”

Until then it’s probably best to just keep voting in support of a very weak prime minister on the issue that is always threatening to rip her own party to shreds because you’re worried a bunch of people who believed a barrel load of lies might not like you so much?

“We’ll get there. Just be patient. Until then we’ll just vote with the Tories on Brexit and see if they don’t do our job for us, sooner or later, by daily hurting the United Kingdom. It’s the principled thing to do.

If we appear mysterious people will think we’re up to something clever.

That is in no way a cynical political strategy that makes us complicit in the great self-harm project being inflicted on the U.K.”

May to create reshuffle minister to get it right next time

The Westminster bubble is in ecstasy today with the news that Theresa May, Prime Minister of somewhere, is to create a reshuffle minister so she can get it right next time.

“It’s momentous,” Brandon Lewis, recently promoted to stare angrily at social media told LCD, “she completely ballsed it up last time, but a new Ministry for Reshuffles will ensure she nails it next month.”

The new ministry, to be set up by Friday, will be a hotly contested ticket.

LCD asked Mr Lewis who was in the running for the top job?

“Michael Gove is foaming at the mouth for it,” Brandon replied, “to most people’s shock he’s only pretending to like animals and can’t wait to get out of the environment backwater.

But there’s a spare Johnson sibling floating around too, Crassius or Toberlone or something, no one has really heard of him. He might get it as part of May’s new blood strategy.”

But critics of the government have attacked the plan.

“Labour can’t support this additional expense at a time of national austerity. A billion pounds has been earmarked for this. That could be spent on planning for a jobs first Brexit.
I’m not even sure why we need a minister for truffles? It’s not like France is going to refuse to sell us magic mushrooms after March 2019.”

Other critics have pointed out that as this is already a government of clowns, you’d expect May to be able to juggle and shuffle already.

“I am personally for it,” LCD’s political watcher commented, “if this new minister can show Theresa how to actually sack someone, then the future of the U.K. is strong and stable.”

Legislation to establish the new ministry is expected to be tabled no later than Thursday, to meet the Friday deadline set by the prime minister.

In spite of their fierce criticism of the prime minister’s handling of the most recent reshuffle, Labour MPs can expect to be whipped in favour of the bill anyway.

“Reshuffle means reshuffle,” the Prime Minister will tell the house when she personally presents the bill, “and truffle means truffle.”

Disused channel tunnel to be turned into a mushroom farm

Leave means Leave. Brexit means Brexit. All ties to the wicked continent will be cut off. This is what we, The People, voted for. The channel tunnel will become redundant. Secret plans released this week suggest that it will be used as a mushroom farm instead.

Government mouthpiece Poppy Cock spoke to LCD’s Dig For Britain correspondent to explain. “After Brexit, which is well on course to be an outstanding success, nobody will want to leave these shores, ever again,” she said. “Naturally, nobody will be allowed in either. The channel tunnel will cease to have any raison d’etre. This means that there will be over 20 miles of cold, dark, damp tunnels lying empty. It’s an outstanding business opportunity.”

“There are two tunnels, over 20 miles long each,” Ms Cock continued. “But they will be bricked up half way along to prevent Frenchness from infiltrating our nice English champignons.”

Plans are already in place to recruit Kentish volunteers to work in the tunnels. “Since Kent is to be concreted over to provide work and an American airbase, there will be displaced serfs aplenty,” claimed Ms Cock. “Their waste will provide the perfect matrix for fungus production. We have already renamed it Morel Fibre.”

Michael Gove will be heading up this important new enterprise. As Secretary of State for Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs, it falls nicely into his remit. He is said to be designing a new device to harvest the mushrooms. Treacherous wags have already dubbed it a “toad’s tool”.

Treasonous lefty traitors have drawn parallels between the new mushroom industry and Brexit. “We British citizens have been treated like mushrooms,” said subversive Sissy Snowflake. “We have been kept in the dark and fed large amounts of shit.”

John Bull is teaming up with Poppy Cock. So, is this a Cock and Bull story, or are they just full of shiitake?

Country continues to scratch head over brain teaser ‘Who did we elect prime minister on June 8th, really?’

Reports from social media analysts, Social Media R Us, suggest that a country that used to be regarded as an intellectual powerhouse is continuing to puzzle over who it elected prime minister last year? Even though seven months have now passed.

“No one has a bloody clue,” SM R Us told LCD Views, “officially the prime minister is, in theory, the leader of the party asked to form a government, following the result of a national ballot, but that seems not to be the case this time.”

SM R Us goes on to elaborate that judging by comments on all social media platforms, there is consensus that the woman who appears to believe she is currently prime minister just isn’t, in the public’s perception.

“Rupert Murdoch is pretty high up there. Paul Dacre too. A lot of people coalesce around those two media moguls being the actual power behind the throne.”

Not Elizabeth II’s toilet you understand, they mean the desk chair in 10 Downing Street.

“A substantial minority suggest some mythical animal called a lame duck. Others lump for Donald Trump, but he’s not even prime minister of America, so that’s a stretch.”

In face of the skepticism the woman who believes she is the British prime minister is expected to keep claiming it, until someone can prove to her that she’s dreaming.

So who does SM R Us think is PM?

“It’s either Boris Johnson or Arlene Foster, depending on how you look at things. Or maybe even Jeremy Hunt, given how he bossed the PM yesterday.

It’s hard to say, we’ll probably need another election soon to find out.”

Record numbers of female voters join Tories in response to male Tories defending Toby Young

The Conservatives pushed their membership over 200,000 today as women all over the U.K. reacted positively to the old men of the party blathering defences and excuses about the character of noted feminist campaigner Toby Young.

“I’m going to nominate him for Woman of the Year, 2018!” Twitter user, IheartToby tweeted.

Others were similarly effusive,

“The way the chumocracy of entitled middle aged white men have come out to excuse the horrifying misogyny of Toby warms my heart more than the Westminster sexual harassment scandal. It’s nice to know that even in troubled times like this, Toby can rely on his friends.”

It certainly seems to show, that in spite of criticism from people who have no idea about rebuilding a dying political party membership, apart from taking from the young the things they care about, that defending a man who has been forced to resign from a cushy, taxpayer funded new quango is the way to go.

“They’ll probably reach half a million new female members by the weekend,” a serious political analyst commented, “who wouldn’t want to publicly defend a guy who has made a habit of horrific, sexually focused denigration of women? It’s doing more to rebrand the Tories than any genius catch phrase thought up by May.”

One or two lone voices have suggested that privileged ageing men, who may have a general reputation as a group for not being very progressive, attempting to keep a man with such vile views in a chumocracy job actually hurts the Conservatives.

But what do they know? Probably only women who should be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hey Toby? Whadda you say?

Others have pointed out that the verbal denigration expressed by Mr Young is another incarnation of the appalling denigration of women, so common in modern pornography.

A further expression of insecure men who feel threatened by any sniff of sexual equality. They need to stamp down on it or they’ll worry their willies aren’t willies fit for the 21st Century?

“I couldn’t comment on that,” a senior Tory bull male responded, “we don’t know anything about porn.”

If only Toby had thought to delete tens of thousands of sexist tweets before accepting the job of destroying access to higher education for poorer demographics, then no one would ever have known what he used to be like, so long ago.