Trading Standards rules description of “Right Honourable” is misleading on Tory MP packaging

IT DOES NOT DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN : THE TRADING STANDARDS AUTHORITY is set to be abolished this week after it ruled against the government.

“This is just the normal functioning of Boris Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “anyone who takes against the regime needs to be silenced.”

The move to abolish the body that protects consumers will also give individual shoppers greater freedoms.

“This increases your sovereignty,” the source advises, “as it opens up the choices available. No unelected bureaucrat will now be able to stand between you and that flammable toy you want to buy for your child. Worried about reports of a certain type of car catching fire? No need to worry now! There won’t be any reports.”

The abolition of standards will also assist the government as it moves forward with its agenda.

“We need to be able to keep calling each other Right Honourable as the pomp and circumstance makes the abhorrent moral and ethical and actual crimes we commit more palatable. I can’t be doing anything wrong, look at my surroundings and title!”

But punters and shoppers should not be alarmed. Ignore the doom mongers and gloom merchants. A new Trading Standards Authority is to be established via a £352m contract gifted to a mate of Dom’s, and almost certainly run by Dido Harding.

“It won’t actually be able to tell you if that oven ready beef lasagne is safe to eat or contains horse meat, but that’s not the point.”

Don’t kill your granny, that’s our job – Health Secretary makes plea to youth

INTO THE MOUNTAINS WITH YOU : THE HEALTH SECRETARY of an industrialised nation currently mismanaging Covid-19 has made a plea for assistance from the nation’s young.

“Some would think we’re still pursuing herd immunity as our strategy with Covid-19,” he began, “but just at a slower, more political manageable pace. Rather than the mass pit burial velocity we had to pull back from before the summer. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your leaders are famous for adjusting their positions based on public opposition. We U turn all the time. You can trust us to U turn on you. And you can trust me when I say that, because I’m from your government.”

So far, so good.

“And don’t listen to any unpatriotic types who suggest that urging everyone back into offices, after reopening pubs, at the same time as refilling schools is not a sensible public health strategy. Teenagers, and drunks are famous for their self control and adherence to rules. Drunk teenagers especially! It’ll not be our fault if they catch Covid. It’s just nature taking its course.”

All perfectly sensible.

“But there is one area where I need the youth of this nation to help me out. It’s not just wearing face masks while shoplifting, or whatever past time you scallywags get up to these days, that I need your help with.”

Alright. Get on with it.

“It’s with your grandparents. You maybe aware we have a social care crisis in this country. For too long governments pursued a shortsighted agenda of helping people live longer. Long past their ability to work in the gig economy. This is a now a serious problem. Of course the funds that could be spent solving it are currently in tax havens. That is where money belongs. So what to do about all these old people hanging about the place, and between you and me, not doing much that’s useful except grandparenting?”

What indeed. Someone has to give them Covid?

“You don’t want giving them Covid that on your conscience. So let it happen as a result of other people crisscrossing the UK in search of Covid tests. World beating navigation will see us through. And if you really want to help out, take a drive to Barnard Castle and sneeze. We’re taking the right steps, at the right time. This is why you need to protect your grandparents so a rogue algorithm can take care of them, just like it did for A level tests.”

Don’t kill your granny. That’s the government’s job.

Sovereignty now one of the main food groups, according to government

Millions of starving patriots are being kept alive by the miracle of Brexit. They are being nourished by the newly defined wonder food, Sovereignty, while they wait for fish quotas to revert to British fishermen.

The Government is following the science here, and the scientists have been paid to say the right things. Sovereignty, they say, is more nutritious and delicious than fish and chips, a skinful of cheap lager, and a cheeky kebab on the way home.

“That is the diet that made Britain great!” gushed gastronomic genius Ed Sheph. “The healthy glow that comes of an intake of carbs, alcohol, fat and salt is world renowned, world beating, even, dare I say it!”

There’s nothing like gammon. But, we asked, what’s the best way to serve Sovereignty?

“Sovereignty is a dish best served cold,” replied Sheph. “If heated, it can lead to arguments breaking out. And overcooked Sovereignty makes you look ridiculous. It’s best taken with a pinch of salt.”

Small portions, or large?

“The bigger the better,” said Sheph. “Large amounts of Sovereignty make you literally swell with pride! But be careful, it can be addictive, and overindulgence can lead to sleeping with a Union Jack in bed with you.”

We wondered what exactly was The Science behind making Sovereignty one of the main food groups.

“Actually, it’s now the ONLY food group,” Sheph admitted. “In fact, it’s now the most important substance in the world. Ultra patriots have been known to quit their job, sell their home, and take off their clothes so that they may spend eternity basking in Sovereignty. If there was any integrity remaining in government scientists, they might suspect these individuals to be mentally disturbed, deranged and deluded. As well as denuded.”

The starving millions desperate for the delayed food supplies only have themselves to blame. A little belief, a little more faith in Brexit, and the Sovereignty could have been theirs too.

Sovereignty is available in boil in the bag, oven ready and half baked varieties.

SHOCK at discovery Boris Johnson’s ‘Oven Ready Brexit’ was a lie!

OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.

The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.

“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”

The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.

The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :

  • Mid-50’s
  • Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
  • Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
  • Prolific breeder

“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”

Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.

Downing Street – UK to be a world class Global Village for all the idiots

HOW MANY ABBOTTS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A VILLAGE : DOWNING STREET HAS NOT BEEN IDLE SINCE APPOINTING TONY ABBOTT to do a role he has proven to know pretty much nothing about.

But given that he’s going to be working with Liz Truss, not knowing anything is clearly a plus.

And while some detractors have suggested, unfairly, that the appointment is just the latest little step in the graft of Brexit, others have said the move is just to ‘wind up the libs’. Either is clearly a benefit. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

“It’s true we [Brexiters] don’t have any actual achievements to point to, yet,” a Downing Street source admitted to LCD Views, “but to expect any is to miss the point of our movement. Feudalism requires an international coalition of the willing to reassert itself. Tony Abbott is the perfect Australian to help with that. Especially as he’s not completely Aussie. He was born here. Do you know they call him the Mad Monk down under? He’s perfect.”

But what exactly will he be doing? Will he be paid by commission earned on trade deals?

“No! Ha! What? He’ll probably be paid in PPE contracts. Omg. You guys. How naive! We aim to make the UK a Global Village. And what does a village need? It needs an idiot. We can’t expect to become a world class global village unless we attract idiots from all over the world to our village. Tony ate an onion raw once on camera. He’s a perfect fit. He will fit in seamlessly with Grayling, Raab, Johnson, well the list is long. It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit. We’re Global Britain! One day we’ll be allowed to use a fork!”

In other news, a village in Australia has today posted a sign asking for a new village idiot…

Putting Abbott and Hannan on the Board of Trade held up as an example of right wing humour

HAVING A RIGHT (WING) LAUGH: The BBC’s ambition to make comedy more right wing has been given a helping hand. A humorous individual in Downing Street has just played an extremely funny practical joke on the country.

Indeed, what could be funnier than appointing two dangerous mavericks, with plenty of front but little knowledge of international trade, to the Board of Trade? The right wing comedian behind this side-splitting idea is thought to be Chief Clown Dominic Cummings.

Australia’s worst ever PM, Tony Abbott, has been teamed up with serial shit stirrer and arch Brexitologist, Daniel Hannan. Both promise to be a slapstick idiot on the world stage, making us all laugh with their feeble attempts to make world beating trade deals, their trousers falling down instead!

Watch and hold on to your sides as Tone and Dan throw custard pies at boring officials, then hit each other over the head with foam rubber hammers!

Chuckle incessantly as the gruesome twosome accidentally fall in love with a man dressed as a woman!

The devil has the best tunes. In the same way, the left have the best jokes. The social, intellectual and empathic nature of the lefty lends itself to creativity and humour, whereas the more selfish and unpleasant right wing traits are simply not funny.

But here come the two stooges to change all that! Why try to craft a decent joke, when you can strut about on the world stage, being all sarcastic and misogynist to a laughter track? Feeble women? Hilarious! Poofs and lezzies? What a laugh! Global warming? Stop it, before I wet myself!

And the biggest joke of all – Brexit! That’s a bloody good joke we played on the EU! Imagine their faces as they realise how much they have lost! Picture their anger as we play the ultimate prank! We’ll leave forever and never speak to them again, and then they’ll be sorry!

The UK is rolling in the aisles at the very thought. The BBC has just commissioned 73563378356 episodes of Tony And Dan Fall Over.

Matt Hancock confirms Coronavirus test booking service will now be available solely via Expedia

HIT THE ROAD MATT : HEALTHY REGIME FUNCTIONARY MATT HANCOCK has moved to shore up his popularity with the travel industry today by making the right change, at the right time, to the Covid-19 testing service.

“The news today is full of tiresome reports of people requesting a Covid-19 test being advised they’ll have to travel the length and breadth of the United Kingdom in order to get one,” Matt told somebody, we suppose, we don’t know who listens to what he has to say, “well I can tell you today that the men who died on those beaches did it so you could see those beaches. Travelling hundreds of miles for a test is the patriotic thing to do.”

Whether it’s wise to be suggesting people, who may potentially be carrying a life threatening, communicable virus, to travel hundreds of miles to different areas of the UK, in order to find out if they have the disease after they get back, is still up for debate.

“But not for Matt,” Matt Hancock told the screaming void that travels with him, absorbing more and more light, becoming so dense that Hancock will soon be his own gravity well, “Matt is sure the men that died on those beaches did it so Matt could support the travel industry during a viral pandemic.”

And that seems to be the key to his actions this week.

“This is why we have moved the Covid-19 booking service onto Expedia. It’s not because we’ve designed a daft system in order to encourage people to hand over all their personal data to a US credit rating service instead.”

Never let it be said.

“And best of all, now when you travel for a Covid-19 test your journey will be ATOS protected!”

U.K. misses deadline for 2021 food labels – unable to pick font to spell “RATION”

QUEUE FOR BRITAIN : The U.K. government is hoping one of its tastiest screw ups (just this week) will go unnoticed, concealed under a groaning table spread with freshly killed dead cats.

“It’s just a question of world class timing,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the deadline has passed, but it was a ramped up EU deadline, so it doesn’t matter. The German carmakers will sort it out. We’re Global Britain.”

The deadline itself, regardless of the relevance Downing Street accords it, concerns food labelling for 2021 and the export of food between Britain and Northern Ireland.

“You’re really boring me with the details,” the Downing Street source sighed, “we don’t do detail. Algorithms do detail. We are the great men of history. We bring in the sweeping changes. If a few people have to queue for some bread for a few months, what of it?”

But people aren’t used to food shortages in the UK, not since the war and the end of rationing in the 1950’s.

“Well if food rationing was good enough for the generation that survived the Blitz it will be good enough for patriots today.”

Maybe not. Especially not in Northern Ireland. This is where the labelling issue has the potential to really hit. And you’ve created enough problems for them with Brexit as it is.

“It’s a province. It’s a provincial problem. We are the great men of history bringing in sweeping changes.”

You really believe that?

“We’re world class.”

Idiots?

“Remoaner.”

I was asking a question, not making a statement.

“Oh, sorry. I thought we’d reached the stage of a Brexit discussion where the pro-Brexit interlocutor, unable to support assertions, moves to insults.”

But why miss this deadline? Why give industry another headache and put more cost on the voters?

“We are the great men of history, we are”

Cut the crap. Why did you miss the deadline? I’ll give you this toy Spitfire if you answer?

“Oooo! Give me! Give me!”

Answer first.

“We missed the deadline because we couldn’t make up our minds over which outdated font to use to spell the world ration.”

Thank you. Here you are.

(aeroplane noises and simulated sounds of machine gun fire)

“We’re Global Britain! We’re world class!”

Idiots. And this time it is a statement and not a question.

UK government hires maritime trade expert to create IT system for Dover/Calais border

Q. WHAT’S A PIRATE’S FAVOURITE POST BREXIT BORDER : The UK Government has signalled experts are back in favour as the country approaches the end of the Brexit transition period.

“Trade will become more difficult and expensive,” an aide to Michael Gove told LCD Views, “but that’s a Brexit benefit. And besides that’s only for lily-livered landlubbers who lack the grit and buccaneering spirit to make the most of Brexit.”

And make the most of Brexit Brits are encouraged to do, as that’s the most patriotic thing to do.

“There maybe some hiccups, naturally, as people adjust to the new reality,” an aide conceded, “especially as the new reality may resemble the 18th century. That being the case I can’t entirely promise it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. But that’s a pirate’s life for you.”

And Gove’s department, responsible for ensuring the seamless end to the transition, isn’t sitting idly smashed out of their brains on coke, or rum. There’s work to do.

“Experts are back in favour!” the aide reveals, “And The Duchy of Gove wants to fill its world with them. To show this we have a star hire to help us design the new customs border at Dover.”

And a world beating hire it is.

“We ran our flag up a pole and waited for the right man to hobble forward. Blackbeard carries a wealth of experience in maritime trade, especially customs borders, so we believe he is the right man to design no less than ten new IT systems. Ready to go by the end of this year. Four of them from scratch. It’s going to be world class.”

We asked Blackbeard for comment, but he wasn’t available. So to make up for it we’ll answer the question posed at the beginning of this article.

Study finds stopped clock right more often than Boris Johnson

CLUSTER BOMB OF BORIS BEING BORIS : BORIS JOHNSON is used to getting his own way. And used to running away. But those two standards of his life are becoming harder to come by, leading some to suggest he’s not all that clever after all.

“He’s essentially an after dinner speaker for drunk toffs who don’t need to know better, because privilege,” a professor at the newly created Institute told LCD Views, “when you just buy your way out of the messes you make in life you don’t need to think that hard. You don’t need to avoid disaster.”

But it seems that way of coping with life’s ups and downs only gets you so far.

“It can get you to be prime minister,” the professor observes, “it just doesn’t help you afterwards. For some baffling reason, that even we haven’t yet worked out, being prime minister is a tough job that requires focus, commitment and attention to detail. It’s not a role for a self centred blowhard, even if you are happy to let someone else do it for you.”

And we all know who that someone else is. Maybe he’s not too clever either?

“He’s good at one thing at a time. Electoral crime because he’s had political cover. That’s about it. The ability to see things from other’s points of view BEFORE you make decisions is key to being a successful prime minister. Other people are involved in a country. Shock! It’s why Theresa May was also a failure. Boris thought he was being really clever as he did her over and stole the top job, but he was really just pushing her off an accelerating, runaway skip fire on wheels and taking her place on the ride to disaster.”

Whether or not people should start clapping for Boris Johnson to recognise the sacrifice of his over inflated sense of self worth at the feet of reality isn’t yet clear.

“Who would want to?” the professor asks, proving why he’s a professor.

“Boris Johnson thought he was building the Wicker Man for someone else to be shoved inside. When his shadowy backers shove him in he will be surprised.”

So much for Boris.

“He is very impressive. How he got the job? What a blag! When we measured the amount of things he’s gotten right since against the stopped clock in our laboratory we got quite the surprise. On a daily average, consistently, the stopped clock is right two times more often than Mr Johnson. That’s if you can even multiply a zero? Which is the next thing we’re looking into.”