IT DOES NOT DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN : THE TRADING STANDARDS AUTHORITY is set to be abolished this week after it ruled against the government.
“This is just the normal functioning of Boris Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “anyone who takes against the regime needs to be silenced.”
The move to abolish the body that protects consumers will also give individual shoppers greater freedoms.
“This increases your sovereignty,” the source advises, “as it opens up the choices available. No unelected bureaucrat will now be able to stand between you and that flammable toy you want to buy for your child. Worried about reports of a certain type of car catching fire? No need to worry now! There won’t be any reports.”
The abolition of standards will also assist the government as it moves forward with its agenda.
“We need to be able to keep calling each other Right Honourable as the pomp and circumstance makes the abhorrent moral and ethical and actual crimes we commit more palatable. I can’t be doing anything wrong, look at my surroundings and title!”
But punters and shoppers should not be alarmed. Ignore the doom mongers and gloom merchants. A new Trading Standards Authority is to be established via a £352m contract gifted to a mate of Dom’s, and almost certainly run by Dido Harding.
“It won’t actually be able to tell you if that oven ready beef lasagne is safe to eat or contains horse meat, but that’s not the point.”