UK turns into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias

Britain has been transformed. The government’s infinite improbability drive to force Brexit through has changed the UK into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.

One of the biggest problems with Brexit is that everyone knows that the answer is 42, but nobody can agree what the question is.

The man responsible, who lay down in front of the bulldozers until he got a better offer, hitched and blagged his way to the top. Turns out he is as two-faced as Zaphod Beeblebrox.

The glorious and much lauded freedom from the conventional limits is, we are told, great news for the UK. Why, if you are a sperm whale, must you be restricted to the sea? Why can’t a plant escape the confines of a bowl? Why not throw off the shackles and take to the air?

“Believe in Britain!” is the cry. The unexpected transformation has left the country’s leaders floundering uselessly. A bit like a sperm whale in mid-air.

I believe I can fly, trilled Boris Johnson during his bonkers speech this week. One in a long line of surreal gags and corny catchphrases, at least Johnson’s comic credentials were enhanced.

It’s a shame that the top job in the country has gone to the court jester. His Ken Dodd impression was spot on, only the diddymen were missing.

So what if the UK is now split between an aquatic mammal and a houseplant? So what if we are falling rapidly to the ground? We can always blame the EU. Or diesel. Or a couple of white mice and the number 42.

The sperm whale half of the UK is happy and optimistic, enjoying the freefall. While the bowl of petunias half is more aware of the consequences. Oh no, not again.

Meanwhile, the EU has a parting shot for us: So long, and thanks for all the fishing rights.

Brexodus Britain to spend 40 years walking in the wilderness

The UK has finally broken free of its alleged enslavement. But without a plan or a map of the Road From Brexit, 40 years wandering in the wilderness lies ahead.

The Chosen People have followed the directions of the LORD, guided by His holy writings in the Daily Mail. The LORD appointed a gloriously useless leader to guide them through the desert.

“Boris will guide us to the Promised Land!” thundered the headline. Nobody knows where the Promised Land is, or even whether it exists. It is a mythical land of milk, honey, sunlit uplands, and unicorns frolicking with mermaids in the treetops.

Even now, some of The People are beginning to question the wisdom of leaving. “We were better off before, we had food, money, and homes,” they remoan. “Why did we ever Believe in Better?” But there is no going back. The great prophet Jacob predicted that prosperity will return in a mere 40 years. Meanwhile The People must live in tents, live hand to mouth and relish their freedom and sovereignty.

“There is only one thing to do!” exclaimed Boris. “I’m going to disappear for a while and get instructions from the LORD!”

Innocent bystanders might have been forgiven for thinking that he was intoxicated, as Boris was later discovered talking to a burning bush.

Boris returned to The People, carrying stones engraved with instructions. A bit like Ed Miliband’s Labour promise stone.

These promises include “Honour thyself above all others”, “Thou shalt bear false witness”, and “Committing adultery is OK by me”.

But, lo! The People, doubting their glorious leader, had pooled their resources and created a golden bust of Nigel Farage to worship.

“Yeah, whatever, he can take the blame,” shrugged Boris. “In fact, let’s just stay here, Turkey, Macedonia and Egypt will be desperate to do a trade deal with a bunch of stragglers camping in the desert!”

Don’t complain. You voted for this!

People who say “We didn’t fight two world wars just so” told they’re right

GAMMONOPOLIS : We’ve all heard those patriotic types in vox pops, and on the television, asserting “We didn’t fight two world wars just so”, well now the Institute for Studying Other People’s Efforts has announced the conclusion of a study into the veracity of the claims.

“We looked really hard,” Professor Theeyve Amneesia told LCD Views, “and we decided that redness of face and the ability to both raise and point an index finger are key indicators of someone’s likelihood to assert the statement under focus.”

Birth dates were also looked at, but not as an exclusive indicator.

“You do get younger gammon too, gammonettes, similar to tadpoles, with the exception they won’t turn into something more impressive, they’ll just get bigger and bigger heads as they age. Oh, and change colour to red. Deep. Deep red.”

All well and good, but what of the claim?

“Well they’re right,” the Professor shrugs, “almost exclusively the people saying ‘We didn’t fight two world wars, just so we could agree mutually beneficial trading standards as part of a supranational organisation’ are correct.”

But how? It seems a very dubious claim.

“Well they didn’t fight in two world wars. Hardly anyone alive did. And of those that did none have yet revealed themselves as gammon. And you can be bloody sure the right wing press has been looking hard to find one.”

Downing Street LOCKDOWN after reports of mass desertion of BRITISH fish to French waters


“No one could have predicted it,” a source inside Defra told LCD Views, “the fish don’t even have blue passports yet. It’s rattled the cage we keep Boris in, I can tell you that.”

While the process of forcing forrin fish to apply for Settled Status in BRITISH waters has been ongoing for sometime, thanks to retrospective changes to maritime immigration laws that seriously strengthen Britain’s credibility as a liberal, progressive, humane, outward looking, welcoming state, in no way drifting into fascism while half of the country is in a coma watching Love Island – while that’s been happening, no one has given much thought to controlling our watery borders in the other direction. Or to the structure of this paragraph, so it seems.

“Personally I would sink these reports into the Marinara Trench, and any other pizza themed spots you can find in the deep,” the source continued, “pass emergency legislation to make it illegal to even say the words ‘British fish mass desertion’. If the broader population don’t believe EVERY MAN WOMAN, CHILD AND FISH is a POTATRIOT FOR BREXIT, then it threatens to undermine the entire kleptomaniac agenda.”

But while the reports are alarming and swim counter to the codswallop of the people, it will probably turn out to be even more alarming. Perhaps they’ve been stolen while they slept?

“Yes. That’s more likely the case. I suggest we accuse the French of kidnapping the fish and threaten them with the one gunboat remaining (after years of Tory austerity). One thing is certain, if fish continue to desert to the Continentals the entire policy agenda of Global Britain could flounder.”

Come back fish, all is forgiven.

“Not it’s not. This is Brexitannia. Where even a fish can be a traitor.”

BBC blunder after photo of Nigel Farage mistaken for a fisherman’s friend

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : The BBC is making so many blunders nowadays, with identification of well known public figures, it’s getting difficult to know what’s a genuine error and what’s a result of allowing Tory Party plants to riddle the editorial chain.

And fresh on the heels of their inability to locate an actual photo of various Labour Party MPs, they’ve now gone and screwed up with a story about another famous British politician (of refugee Huguenot stock, well known for attempting to get a German passport after Brexit).

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” an advocate of the publicly funded broadcaster excused, “they ran a story about the UK’s fishing industry and how it maybe negatively impacted by the country’s desire to become a fading outpost of kleptomaniac corruption, ie Brexit. Of course they thought of Nigel and his tireless efforts to use the everyday struggles (of an industry mismanaged in Westminster) as a centrepiece, as advocate of the fishing communities.”

But in doing so it seems someone in the editorial chain simply googled up “famous British fishing advocate”, found a meme about Nigel Farage and used it.

“The problem is that the image is a play on the famous Fisherman Friend’s lozenges. But only they’ve utilised clever word play and substituted fraud for friend. It’s fair to say the career politician, elite wannabe, Brussel’s gravy train riding Farage was not best pleased.”

By the insult?

“No by the accuracy. The BBC is never knowingly accurate when it comes to Nigel Farage.”

A fulsome apology is expected from the BBC hierarchy.

  • We’ve all seen the meme used in the image. No idea who to credit, as is common with monster memes, but found it here -

Shouldergate critics accused of HYPOCRISY following no uproar as PM appears in HoC revealing his heel

CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN : THE CRITICS OF TRACEY BRABIN MP have been justly accused of hypocrisy after they failed to criticise Prime Minister (for life) Boris Johnson over his choice of dress for the House of Commons.

“They all went so crazy over Tracy Brabin’s shoulder they couldn’t even check if they’d spelt her name right before launching into tirades on Twitter,” our Confected Outrage correspondent noted, “I guess the sight of that much flesh, thrust into their faces, as the UK recovers itself as a wholly unified Christian country, acting out Christian values like deportation of vulnerable citizens, and where people feel a sense of belonging to the land that GOD gave them at creation, well, a bit of shoulder is just too much.”

But the furore over the shoulder was useful in other ways.

“It stopped people mentioning the Acuri scandal, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference and asking why the f c u k is Stanley Johnson being employed as a go between with China.”

That last one is pretty easy. Bojo is still desperately seeking the approval of his dad, so he’s using him to subvert our diplomatic service, so he feels good about himself.

“It’s a little bit royal isn’t it? A little bit absolute monarch to use your close family members as courtiers to powerful foreign courts?”

Well, the prime minister’s choice of dress is a little bit absolute monarch too and no one’s raised an eyebrow.

“It’s odd how you see him as Henry VIII,” our correspondent replies, “when I saw him he was wearing the emperor’s new clothes. He must have an extensive wardrobe.”

Yes, he’s also sheathed in lies…

Javid issues ‘Brexit red tape challenge’ to public because government doesn’t have a fucking clue what to do

LOOKING HERE LOOKING THERE LOOKING EVERYWHERE : AT THE RISK OF BEING ACCUSED OF NOT writing satire (the accusation will be correct, this time, and other times, when we choose – sometimes you just want to directly call out the BS) LCD Views has decided to impart to the entire world our take on the government’s ‘Brexit red tape’ challenge.

“It’s a bit bloody obvious,” declared the dust ball nestled next to the discarded paperclip, by the non-existent, permanently shrouded photocopier, “it’s because they haven’t got a fucking clue what to do.”

And while that is certainly true, so far as all the red tape is concerned, it does distract from a more pernicious object of this exercise.

“It’s just more gaslighting,” the broken HB pencil, lost behind a buzzing monitor (covered in derelict, curling post-it notes) shrugs, “they are about to sink the UK’s businesses and private citizens in an unending tidal wave of red tape, so they’re deflecting,

“If you can’t think of any red tape that needs getting rid of that means it’s fine when you get a lot more of it. Just try taking your pet across a border after Brexit. Ha! Don’t worry about the end of JIT manufacturing. Don’t worry about lack of important medications! Don’t worry about the government stockpiling body bags! Try taking Mr Pips to France. Good luck with that!”

The broken HB pencil, he’s got a point.

“Which is more than you can say for Brexit!”

Yes, yes discarded paperclip, you’ve got a point too.

Although we’re a little bit curious about Javid and Truss and this ‘Brexit red tape challenge’? Is the actual word Brexit now banned? Maybe they didn’t get the memo? Maybe it was just more bollocks from the government by gaslight.

Devil updates his magic number from 666 to 52/48 – gets tattoo on forehead

INK’D INTO HISTORY : THE DEVIL HIMSELF has reacted swiftly to the totally legitimate acquittal of US President (for life) Donald Trump, and moved to make a change that’s more than symbolic.

“It’s not my work,” the Devil said, commenting on the swift wrapping up of the impeachment trial of Mr Drumpf, “although I wish it was. To see a trial with no witnesses called, because they can’t be for fear of proof of guilt, that’s a masterpiece right there. And to have so many of the jurors announce, before the trial had even started, that they’d settled on an innocent verdict of someone so unashamedly guilty? Magnificent. America! F*ck Yeah!”

And while the endorsement of the trial’s outcome by the Lord of Lies isn’t surprising, it has raised a few eyebrows.

“It certainly seems to have stuffed up the libtard snowflakes,” the Devil continued, “many of them seemed to believe that Mr Trump was me. Touchingly naive. No. No. I just extended Donald a line of credit in exchange for his one immortal asset [dreamy smile]. As soon as he started caging kids I knew he was making America just the kind of great I want it to be. Not to mention all the misogyny and nepotism. It really is refreshing to see someone do so much of your work for you, and for so little in return.”

But what about rumours that the Devil is making a change as a result of the trial’s outcome?

“Yes, 52/48? It really is a magical number. Just look at Brexit and now the Senate result favouring Donnie. Clearly 52/48 is more powerful than 666. So I’m updating the tattoo on my forehead accordingly. 52/48 all the way!”

Brexit latest : Dodgy Michelin stars replaced by British ‘Francois stars’ to rate UK restaurants

STAR BURSTS : Knowing which side your bread is buttered on has never been more important than now as the UK seizes the opportunities made possible by complete severance with ill thought out continental rules and red tape.

Take that Brussels!

The same is true of restaurant ratings. As of today the dodgy French system of rating an eatery’s quality in alignment with the whims and peculiarities of a fat French bloke made of car tyres, driving randomly around the landscape, is no more in Britain.

No less august culinary authority than the Home Office has banned Michelin Stars and replaced them with a proper, traditional British system.

“Potatriot Stars will let you know if a place serves proper grub the right way,” Home Office junior minister, Mr Gout, told LCD Views, “one star, or Francois as we’ve nicknamed them, will let you know a cafe or restaurant has both brown and red sauce available. Two stars will tell you the liquor on that mash has the right fragrance, reminiscent of suspicious bodily fluids. But three Francois’s tells you you’re in for a meat and two veg extravaganza, consisting of something that looks like meat and two veg, perhaps even of two different varieties.”

Guide books will be issued and be available for British motorists when they renew their passports to ones they won’t use much anymore.

“A Potatriot Star, or Stars, will confirm you’re dining in an establishment that will never serve you an avocado. It won’t threaten you with anything vaguely fat free. It will definitely be dishing up proper grub, with vegetables that have been boiled for a legal minimum of three to four hours, until those greens are greys. Mmm, good old fashioned food the way it used to be.”

But we hear there will be some restaurants that will be excluded from ever gaining a Francois?

“Yes. Vegan restaurants. They’re to be boarded up and burnt to the ground as Britons break free of the shackles of Brussels!”

UK not given enough credit for increasing popularity of EU within EU27, says Brexiter

TANGIBLE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : NEWLY ELECTED TORY MP for Brexit-on-Err, Toby Smythe-Willing-Crumpet-Holmes-Spruce, has hit out at the EU27 for their “clear and obvious meanness” and “lack of appreciation of what the UK has done for them”.

Speaking in a barely legible facsimile of pig Latin hybridised English, the Little England MP laid into what he sees as the apparent “embarrassment of Emperor Merkel” and her “sidekick in France”. At least that’s what Google translate says.

But it wasn’t just the usual suspects that the pro-Brexit member of parliament went after. Other nation states were also used to display his standard Brexiter grasp of history and modern tensions.

“The Spanish also should be put on notice” for what he perceives as a reluctance to acknowledge how clean Brits have kept the Rock since “the Hapsburg Empire abandoned it in the face of English military might”, claiming it “was in a barely habitable state consisting mostly of run down and neglected rice paddies on hill sides and empty tavernas by the sea”.

“Not to mention the recent boost to the financial districts of Frankfurt and its sister city Dublinfurt thanks to the expansion of the sectors there made possible by the obvious commercial incentives [of Brexit].”

But the red faced MP, bulging abdomen visible through a burst button on his powder pink office shirt, has a way for the EU27 to show their due appreciation.

“They can put it in the declaration when they concede to Mr Johnson’s demands for tariff free access to the German car market and French Prosecco sector,” the MP said, “a simple statement acknowledging what Brexit, and specifically English nationalists, have done to quell similar separatist movements within the EU27 would suffice. Junker should thank Boris personally.”

And people say Brexiters are crazy.