MAGA 2020 : Trump team revise famous campaign slogan to build on his deeds so far

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE KNOWN : Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign for a second term as President of the United States was looking on solid ground today after a leak from camping headquarters revealed some fresh thinking.

“We need to build on the evangelical vote, you know the one, it’s the same as the hypocrisy vote,” an email between campaign strategists, leaked to the media, revealed, “I think we should take advantage of popular culture and lift something from The Handmaid’s Tale. MAGA, Make America Gilead Again.”

The revised slogan is certainly catchy and maps out what the second term of the Trump administration is likely to achieve.

But there was more in the email, the authentic of which has so far has not been denied by the Trump camp.

“It’s all very well using old books like 1984 and Animal Farm and My Struggle as guidebooks for reshaping America, but we need modern texts too. Especially one written by a woman. This will help secure the religious housewife vote.”

It’s not yet clear how much of the guidebook the Trump team intends to turn into policy, but it’s reasonable to assume a fair old whack of it!

“We should also give serious consideration to having ‘Under His Eye’ printed on the US presidential seal, and any other marine mammals that polls show are popular.”

But don’t think Ivanka and Melania have been left out of the planning. They’re pegged to run re-education camps for young, fertile women, so they understand their job in Gilead will be to breed. And that’s all. Well, certain domestic duties too of course.

Under his eye. Make America Gilead Again. Let’s wait until Trump tries to spell Gilead in a tweet.

Indy Poll Shocker : Support for Scottish independence booms in England as millions seek options post Brexit

I’M NOT A FASCIST GET ME OUT OF HERE : A SHOCK new POLL in THE DAILY REPRESS today reveals INGERLAND to be RIDDLED with people who don’t BELIEVE in BREXSHIT hard ENOUGH.

“It is quite a shock,” a pollster for polling firm, CONres, told LCD Views, “but it helps explain why Brexit isn’t a success yet.”

The presumed talking down of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS by heretics is the most likely reason for the EU not yet BOWING TO THE DEMANDS of GLOBAL BRITAIN.

“Some say it’s the fact the EU is a rules and treaty based organisation, the only way to get dozens of democracies to work together in a union, and the blatantly inhuman way the British government has threatened the well-being of millions of EU27 CITIZENS OF NOWHERE explains why BRUSSELS HAS NOT BENT THE KNEE. But the poll reveals the reason is FIFTH COLUMNISTS in England itself.”

It’s thought that Brussels has long had a patriotic feeling vibe machine, or PFVM, directed at Blighty, mostly likely on undercover French fishing vessels.

“The lack of purity of essence in millions of people in England is detected by Barnier and he feeds back the results to the EU27 leaders. This has led to an overconfident stance in negotiations so far. It’s definitely not anything to do with all Brexit supporting politicians being complete and total fantasists who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a wet paper bag.”

But clearly the people who will suffer the most once ENGLAND IS FREE AT LAST will be the Scottish.

“They won’t be able to build homes fast enough north of Hadrian’s Wall, if this poll is anything to go by. That’ll learn them. And where will they put the skills, feeling of relief and assets the fleeing non-fascist English will bring with them?”

Ha! They don’t have an answer to that!

Similar polls will be conducted this week in Wales, Northern Ireland and Cornwall. If the results are the same, they’ll also be in trouble of overpopulation once we’ve made a success of Brexit and they’ve gone independent.

Global Britain. So long as the globe is as small as the minds of the politicians driving forward the disaster capitalist project of Brexit, we’ll make a success of it!

Priti pleased with herself : Brexit UK becomes world’s first Fuckoffcracy

THIS IS BEING DONE IN YOUR NAME : The stellar achievements and tangible benefits of Brexit for the UK are too often not reported. The chance to move home due to government policy. The opportunity to revive barter in a cashless society. The ability to improve your handwriting by filling out endless customs and visa forms. Well. Today that changes.

“We’re to become the world’s foremost Fuckoffcracy,” a Home Office android told LCD Views, on the condition we did not keep the news to ourselves.

Under the bold and enterprising plan Home Office minister, Priti Patel, has decided to revive a failed negotiating tactic from failed May’s premiership.

“We’re attempting to hold millions of people to ransom in the hope of bluffing the EU into caving on peace and security on the island of Ireland,” the droid smiled, “with not a care for the psychological anguish this causes. With no thought to the reputation harm to the UK. This time we really believe we are going to win.”

And the prize is immense. It is a golden moment. To tear up the legal rights of millions of people overnight. Just like that.

“Not since the 1930’s has a developed country had the vim and verve of Brexit Britain,” the droid sparked (one pulsating spark at the temple), “just imagine being Boris Johnson, with Priti Patel riding shotgun, and looking twenty seven countries that called us friend in the face and saying, at the stroke of a clock millions of your citizens will have many of the most vital rights ripped from their hands. That takes some nerve.”

Brexit Britain. The world’s most prominent Fuckoffcracy. And it’s being done right now and in your name.

“If we can treat the lives of foreign born citizens with such contempt,” the droid finished, “just wait till you see what we’ll do to you after you’ve allowed us to take away your freedom of movement.”

Post Mortem Pensions : Inheritance millionaires say raise state pension age from 67 to ‘the day after you’re dead’

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM : The Tory think tank of Irritable Duncan Syndrome have hit another home run today by working out what to do with poor people who want to eat when they’re elderly.

“Don’t pay them till they’re dead,” IDS proudly said, while rubbing wax made from the fat of virgins on his head, “and they have to collect the pension in person or they don’t get it.”

The deeper thinking behind the move is believed to be the continuation of a seriously knotty problem.

“It’s fatter tax havens or poor people being able to enjoy a retirement?” IDS shrugged, “it’s a no brainer.”

IDS is of course famous for the invention of ‘Universal Credit’. A revolution in welfare for which he was awarded the ‘Nosferatu Award for Sucking the Life Out of People’. With the suggestion of raising the pension age to a point post mortem he looks like receiving more plaudits.

LCD Views would like to commend the work of men like IDS. To compensate for his (presumed) private awareness of deep inadequacy, and the twin to that of knowing he only achieved status through a wealthy chumocracy, by punishing poor people with Victorianesque policy, he can rest easy at night believing he’s achieved something all his own.

It’s also an impressive way to repay working class people who bizarrely keep voting for these moral voids and handing them power.

“We’re essentially trolling working class Brexiters,” IDS smirked, “by impoverishing the state via support for the hard right tax dodger’s con of Brexit they have brought this all on themselves. It’s quite a hoot.”

But anyone concerned they won’t enjoy a pension due to declining life expectancy in the post Brexit UK reality, is reminded to take comfort with the knowledge that as they toil through their autumn years, IDS will be sat back, inherited money overflowing, knowing he’s done his bit to improve your character by forcing you to work hard, until you’re dead.

Operation Serf ‘n Turf – Plan to keep peasants working and fed after No Deal Brexit leaked

DENNIS THERE’S SOME LOVELY FILTH DOWN ‘ERE : LCD VIEWS has the scoop today after a traitor in the civil service LEAKED government contingency planning for the post No Deal Brexit reality.

“It may have been a remoaning MP who has somehow survived the Johnson era purge,” our Food Fight specialist comments, “but either way it’s incredibly reassuring to read the detail of how people will not only survive, but just about manage faced with the exciting opportunities presented by Brexit.”

Tangible benefits of the plan will see Global Britain maintain an employment rate the envy of the industrialised world.

“The lottery system is a stroke of genius,” our specialist notes, “this will stop complaints of favouritism as voters are renamed ‘serfs’ and distributed as an indentured labour supply to elected members of the House of Commons. The indenture only lasts the term of any individual’s natural life and higher rate tax payers will not be assigned, but be allowed to be overseers. If they don’t manage to flee with their assets sewn into their hems before the lottery is held.”

This is clearly a masterstroke. This will stop complaints from Corbyn supporting plebs that they’ve been assigned to work Jacob Rees-mogg’s turf, and vice versa. It will ensure the happiness index is always happy. Don’t blame the government, blame the lottery! Blame lady luck!

Supplies of sufficient agricultural land are also certain. Under the plans the government will take back control of commons and green spaces across the UK and give them to MPs for their peasants to till.

“This will also keep even the most radicalised of pro-EU MPs on side as they suddenly find themselves feudal lords with an endless supply of labour that will be paid by allowing said workers to spend one afternoon a week growing their own food.”

And don’t think organised religion has been forgotten.

“The Church of England and that Catholic lot will see their holy places reconsecrated as temples in the Church of Brexit. Fraser Nelson will be the Pope. They really have thought of everything.”

But just to be clear, the serf is obvious in the plan, but the turf is what you will work, not what you will eat. Pick up your hoe and make the most of the exciting opportunities of the post Brexit landscape!

Global Britons! We stay home now and work.

Dominic Raab suffers concussion after glancing too hard at a compass

NURSE : The current British Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, has reportedly been rushed to A&E this evening suffering a suspected concussion.

The incident is believed to have occurred when Mr Raab decided to solve a navigational issue that had been vexing him for several hours.

“He heard there was a place called Southend in Essex. He was apparently surprised to appreciate that the direction ‘south’ ended in England,” our reporter, on the scene at Southend Explorers Infirmary, reports, “and he asked for a map to confirm his discovery. He couldn’t make east or west of the map. Clearly that being the case north and south were out of the question too.”

It’s believed the intrepid navigator thought about the puzzle for a while, positioning himself in front of a window sill of books he has no intention of reading, but likes to be near as he hopes their vibrations will make him more powerful.

“He hit on the idea of a compass,” our reporter rumourmongers some more, “having heard once that they are used in navigation.”

And that was when the incident occurred.

“Having one brought to him he then laid it flat in his palm and began to stare at it, hoping it would reveal why south ends in Essex. And of course after that, was is south of south.”

And that’s when the damage occurred.

“He also experienced a slight nosebleed, but it was the fainting fit that caused the most concern, one prominent vein pulsing on his right temple. Just fit to burst.”

The minister was rushed to A&E where he is receiving treatment in a room devoid of any navigational equipment or reference,” our reporter adds, “clearly the degree of confusion caused by such matters is potentially incredibly damaging to his cerebellum.”

Heaven help him if he is ever presented with a sextant.

“Ants can sext?”

OMG.

10 Downing Street : Dominic Cummings takes the title of Witchfinder General

UNDEMOCRATIC LIE PYRES : The Grima Wormtongue of 10 Downing Street, that unelected ear whisperer Dominic Cummings, has decided on a new title, having grown bored of being called ‘a source’. It’s just not intimidating enough.

“People also too readily confuse the title and ask if he’s a red or brown sauce?” an aide to ‘the source’ told LCD Views, “homophones are very confusing in modern Britain. Just spend five minutes reading comments from pro-Brexit accounts on social media! So he’s leafed through the history books and come up with something fitting.”

The something fitting is the title of ‘Witchfinder General’, first made popular during the first English Civil War (we’re currently trying to do the second) by one Matthew Hopkins. He liked tall hats. You can expect to see Cummings wearing one soon.

“Dominic hasn’t been appointed by parliament to his role next to Boris Johnson either, just like Matthew Hopkins wasn’t appointed to the role of Witchfinder General,” the source close to ‘the source’ advised, “so it’s a nice symmetry.”

It appears to be the logical next step for the unelected, undemocratic, data crunching, social media micro-targeting, so called genius behind the lies and dissembling of the Leave campaign.

“He can really put the fear into those traitors spreading unhelpful narratives about No Deal Brexit now,” our source adds, “as we all know that remoaners float and weigh the same as a duck. So finding the witches undermining Brexit will merely be a question of applied science. Essentially anyone dealing in objective reality is going on the pyre.”

https://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/civil-servants-unhelpful-narratives-on-brexit_uk_5d5664a1e4b0d8840ff12a87

UK’s wurst BRAT BORIS at risk of eating humble sour kraut after Germans BIZARRELY take him at his WURD!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR JOHNSON IF YOU THINK YOU’VE WON THE BREXIT WAR?

The question is on the minds of many of the EU’s power brokers today after a leak reveals the unrelenting bluff and twaddle from Downing Street has caused Chancellor Merkel to say “Genug”.

While many Tory Brexiters are still holding out for a last minute charge of the light brigade in the form of the German carmakers, it seems the German leader has made her selection from Mr Johnson’s 50/50 “Do or Die?” choice for the UK’s economy.

And she’s not alone. In fact she has twenty six friends to count on versus the UK’s none.

“Bit bloody baffling,” a source close to Mr Johnson’s hairunstyler told LCD Views, “we’re shell shocked, I don’t mind admitting it. The Germans appear ready to take back control of Brexit. But don’t they remember two world wars and one World Cup? Well, two world cups now, although I doubt the Germans paid much attention to the One Day Cricket World Cup, which explains why they did so poorly in it.”

It’s not just team Johnson that are in lockdown today attempting to find a lie to convince the Germans Boris isn’t bluffing, when everyone can see Boris is almost certainly bluffing.

“We don’t have a choice now,” the source revealed, “we’ve either got to try and crash the UK out of the EU before the October 31st deadline, something that our dark money backers will orgasm over, or backdown? I reckon we need to focus on shifting the blame first and foremost. It’s the fault of remoaners. Yeah. Merkel is listening to them and not the party of government.”

As to how the Telegraph will deal with the news, having broken it, our newsroom is certain.

“They’re going to revel in a long overdue No Shit Sherlock award before going back to printing whatever propaganda bollocks Downing Street requests of it.”

British government steals itself to dump British Steel for a steal

TURKISH DELIGHT : The future of British Steel looks secure today after the pension fund of the Turkish military successfully bid to buy the traditional British industry out of insolvency. This follows the completely surprising disinterest in doing so by the Conservative ‘Thatcher reboot’ currently lodged in 10 Downing Street.

“It just shows how easy a free trade deal with Turkey will be,” a David Davis impersonator commented on Twitter, “I mean, they already own British steel and that’s a key industry. What will they shop for next?”

But proper potatriotic, British, Brexit backing asset strippers poured scorn on the Turkish government for the ridiculous timing of their salvation of 5,000 British jobs.

“Amateurs,” Lord Pog of Pogness scoffed, “if they’d waited until the 1st of November then they would have gotten this bastion of British manufacturing a hell of a lot cheaper. Why shell out now? The pound will be at parity with the Turkish lira by November. Amateurs. Don’t they understand what a No Deal Brexit means? A firesafe of British assets. It amazes me really. These foreigners and how little they seem to know about traditional British disaster capitalism.”

And Pog wasn’t the only Brexiter getting into the act. It’s rumoured that Tim Martin is to release a special series of beer soaked infomercials, or beermats, to praise the success of British industry in the Brexit reality.

“A FTA with Turkey will be the easiest in history!” The mats will proclaim, “After all, they already got British Steel for a steal!”

It’s completely puzzling that the British government couldn’t find a spare billion to save a British industry. They’re so readily throwing money at the preparations for the No Deal Brexit they have little intent on seeing through, but it is good the invasion of millions of Turkish lira have saved the jobs of 5,000 people.

Brexit, with any luck, the foreigners the Brexiters insult and treat with disdain, may just ride to the rescue and save us from ourselves…

Dominic Raab refuses to holiday in Bath, because he prefers showers

We’re all going on a summer holiday! With Parliament in recess, MPs are Getting On With Brexit by going on their jollies. But one man is unhappy. Dominic Raab is refusing to go to Bath, because he likes a shower of a morning instead.

“I’m always told that I’m a bit of a shower,” says the Secretary for Bloody Forriners. “And it’s true! A good shower washes away all the day’s muck. Politics is a grubby game sometimes, so it’s nice to feel clean and competent!”

Bath gets its name from the ancient Roman baths there. This is another reason not to go, according to our man in the shower cubicle.

“Roman baths? ROMAN?” he exclaims indignantly. “You mean, from the EU? Rome is in France, right? I’m not putting up with any foreign muck!”

Experts confirmed that Rome is indeed in Europe, and that the baths were constructed the last time the EU invaded Britain. That time, the legions swept away years of native inertia, replacing lovely original creaky infrastructure with horribly useful paved roads, mosaics, underfloor heating, decent sewerage, and of course baths.

Other MPs are on holiday too. Boris Johnson is obsessed with Bridge, though he talks a better game than he plays. He challenged Donald Trump to a game. Garden Bridge? enquired the orange numpty. No, Transatlantic Bridge, replied the pink numpty. Trump haggled him down to a round of Snap, which Johnson won by a convincing margin.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Esq is on a modern holiday to 1215. He is very excited. “Magna Carta! It’s the first time The People took back control from the liberal elite!” he said, almost losing that measured tone. “I can’t wait to witness it all over again!”

The previous Minister for Incompetence, Chris Grayling, didn’t manage to sort out a holiday for himself this year, though his constituency office is liberally garlanded with holly. “He’s got the hump,” said his exasperated secretary. “He is going around in a camel costume!”

To Bath, or not to Bath? It just won’t wash.