British fishing industry told to relocate to flooded Kent lorry park

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : THE CORNER HAS BEEN TURNED TODAY for the beleaguered British fishing industry after the government accelerated plans to make it more British.

In order to do this the entire stock of British fish will be relocated to within the actual landmass of England.

“This is not to say this is just an English nationalist cause,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the entirety of these islands will benefit from photos of British fish safe and secure inland.”

But while the government is using terms such as inland to describe the move, that’s not entirely correct.

“It is correct to say that while the fish will be moved inland, they’ll still be in water. So no one has anything to fear. Additionally, it will make the future of the industry even more secure as fishermen will be able to find them much easier. And importantly, the French won’t have a chance because from 2021 they won’t be able to enter the country. This is what taking back control of our fish means in reality.”

But critics have pointed out that in order to catch the fish inland British fishermen will need to move their boats inland too, and given that the site of the new camp is in Kent, many will need Kent Access Permits to get their boats inside the newest of British overseas territories.

“It will all be worth it. The plan was always to leave the EU and catch as many fish as fast as possible, without thought to sustainability, and this accelerates the scheme to one massive, one off pay day, after which everyone goes broke.”

And where exactly will the British fish be relocated to, inside Kent?

“The flooded Kent lorry park of course. It’s not like anyone is going to be daft enough to send a lorry across the Channel to Blighty from 2021. They’ll never get the bleeding truck home again. This is a perfect example of adaptable thinking at top of government. And you’re welcome to it.”

Check. Change. Go Bankrupt. The future is certain.

“UK doesn’t need to trade with anyone to make a success of Brexit” – Minister

WHOA WHOA WHOA THERE : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIETY SAVAGED BRITS TODAY after George “Useless” Eustice did his turn on the Sunday morning chat shows, and soothed everyone over the availability of various dairy products post Brexit.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs was face to face with that notorious verbal pugilist Andrew Marr who came out swinging over dairy products.

“Look, when I was standing in a field the other day, wondering if it was my office? I saw a fine bull standing against the horizon,” Mr Eustice soothed, “his tits catching the late afternoon sun, and I thought what a splendid beast. We should genetically engineer bulls to have more tits, so there’s no milk shortage, should the dairy sector collapse completely because of Brexit.”

Clearly a man with a plan, and willing to share his thought on it.

“When I invented the idea of placing screen doors on submarines,” he sailed on, “everyone told me I would be mad to do it. But I did it anyway. That’s the spirit of Brexit. And has anyone seen any of our submarines since? I bet you haven’t. No one can even name the Defence Minister. It shows you how we’re making a success of it.”

But it seemed Mr Marr wasn’t completely satisfied, so he came at George with a slow right hook regarding tariffs.

“You’re just getting silly now Andrew. As the inventor of motorbike ashtrays, inflatable dartboards and handbrakes for canoes I can promise you today that if we don’t have any trading arrangements agreed with the EU after Brexit we simply won’t do it.”

Won’t do Brexit? – the question came from an abruptly ashen Mr Marr.

“What? No. You’re getting confused. We won’t trade. We’re definitely doing Brexit, and we’re going to make a success of it. But we don’t need to trade with anyone at all to make a success of it. And before anyone suggests it, we’re not completely barking mad and in the thrall of dark interests. We’re one nation conservatives.”

Plan to relaunch Boris Johnson into the face of the Sun gets green light

NATIONAL EFFORT : THE BRITISH AEROSPACE sector has received a welcome boost with the announcement of a plan that will see billions invested and fast.

The industry was suffering the jitters as a result of Brexit, but with homegrown guts and can do it will all be alright.

“We’re going to relaunch Boris Johnson,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with Dom now gone, kinda, we believe it’s time for Mr Johnson to reset and lift off as the people’s prime minister.”

Although it’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s infectious popularity wouldn’t have just bounced back off its own bat, the new team advising the saggy old chap have decided to make sure.

“We’ve been focus grouping all weekend to find out what’s the best way to relaunch Mr Johnson and we’re actioning the most popular suggestion.”

This suggestion appears to be “launch him into the face of the Sun”.

“Drop him into the sea” was also popular, alongside of “ritual sacrifice in a volcano to end the pandemic”.

“We don’t have any active volcanoes in the UK currently, so while it would make great theatre to use some sort of tripwire device to deliver the PM into the inferno, it’s not a goer. But the Sun is right there just asking for it.”

And there’s no concern that the alleged exit of the Vote Leave gang will see the team bereft of a slogan.

“Check. Change. GO!” the aide grins, “that’s perfectly suitable for strapping the bloated old ram into a rocket powered ejector seat and launching him from College Green.”

Downing Street deny Russian sub sighted off Kent coast is there to collect Downing Street SPAD

BRITAIN’S VERY OWN KATYUSHA LAUNCHED INTO ITS FACE : DOWNING STREET ARE IN DENIAL MODE TODAY, so not much different to the manner of government of any day post 23/06/16 (and maybe before then too).

As news broke this morning that what has been (provisionally) identified as a Russian submarine surfacing BRIEFLY off DOVER, Downing Street was denying it had any knowledge of the vessel, almost as soon as it was sighted.

While Tory MPs with military backgrounds were busy fizzing over how the lapse in national security could have occurred, seemingly oblivious to the cuts they’d been part of making to the armed services for a decade, Downing Street’s spokesperson was already out of the blocks.

“We know nothing about the alleged appearance of the Russian submarine in the Thames, near to Westminster bridge in half an hour,” the spokesperson said, “it is definitely not here to collect to Dominic Cummings, his work complete.”

But while everything Downing Street says must be taken at face value, some are querying the veracity of this statement.

“The Russian Parliament, or Duma, has already published its list of recipients for The Hero of the Russian Federation medals for 2020 and there’s a certain chap from Yorkshire on it, his famous shoulder chip well weaponised. That’s if we got it right when using Google translate. So it does make one think.”

Others are turning to Mr Cummings’ own writings to find evidence of his involvement, before giving up in despair at how such a prize arsehat could have been allowed to have so much influence over the UK for so long.

Trump offers to sell presidency to Biden for $1.1bn, a pardon and a life supply of Big Macs

POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.

The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.

“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”

But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.

“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.

“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”

That much is obvious.

“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”

Priti Patel wins coveted ‘Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government 2020’

IT TAKES A SPECIAL TOUCH : THERESA MAY made her mark on the cultural and civil landscape of the United Kingdom, before returning to the backbenches to glare balefully at the entitled little shits she helped elevate to power. But that’s not the sum total of her work nowadays, she’s also the founder of ‘The Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government”.

The award, dished out annually, is intended to celebrate politicians who continue Ms May’s legacy.

“Clearly hate is a prized asset for potential recipients,” our awards specialist notes, “if you can punish people based on accident of birth, while having the power to do the opposite, you’re in the running.”

Myopic vision. Low emotional IQ. Cunning. Sociopathy. Hypocrisy. A love of imagining vulnerable children crying. These are all seen as assets whenever it’s time to decide who will get the gong this year.

“We call it the Bleeding Heart, that’s the award’s nickname. Let no one tell you Theresa May doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just look at her sterling efforts with the Go Home Vans.”

And the winner of the award for 2020 certainly has all the required attributes to win the Bleeding Heart, and some would say, more to offer still.

“It’s the work she is doing with refugees that really focused the award committee’s one lone, roving eye onto Priti Patel. To be able to drive through such a pitiless policy, such an agenda devoid of historical memory for the horrors committed on others in decades past? That is some achievement.”

But there will be a change this year when Ms Patel stoops to collect her award.

“We’re going to have the crowd involved at the moment Priti wraps her hands around the coveted bleeding heart. The entire audience is going to shout in unison ‘We had a whole world war about this and everyone was invited!’. It’ll bring that touch of irony for which the British are famous.”

Dominic Cummings to leave Downing Street after job of ‘Mayan Priest ensuring good harvest’ came up

DOMOLYPTCO : They say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but they don’t say that about blog svengali Dominic Cummings.

“He maybe leaving 10 Downing Street the moment the Brexit whirlwind hits, entirely as predicted by anyone with half a brain cell, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be idle,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“And it won’t just be editing old blogs to predict that Remainers would sabotage his glorious bird of Brexit, each flap of its wings in 2021, he’s got a new job already lined up.”

And the new job appears to be that of a religious functionary. A high priest. A zealot capable of excluding all contradictory evidence from their eyes.

“They say do the work you love and now that Dom has finished dismantling the modern state, and set the UK on course to disintegrate, he’s going to reward himself by making vocation and vacation one entity.”

The actual job is believed to be that of “Mayan Priest Overseeing a Good Harvest” and is described as a “post for someone who relishes human misery, but is always mindful of the need to ensure next year’s crops are plentiful.”

The work will involve a variety of costume changes and moments of high public exposure, which will suit Dom down to the ground.

“Not to mention the screams of the mere mortals as he raises the obsidian blade over their chests.”

Yes, not to mention that.

But why, after all he’s done over the last few years, why doesn’t Dom just have a good ol’ rest and enjoy the smell of cinders, and the ashes of Brexit?

“There is no rest for the wicked,” the source explains, “I thought that was obvious?”

Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library to contain only shredded documents

READ IT AND SHRED IT : GREAT NEWS TODAY for patriots with US flag emoji’s in their social media profiles, all over the world, with the announcement of the final plans for the Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library.

The Presidential Library is a tradition to honour outgoing US presidents and is intended to symbolise their commitment to learning and the sanctity of accrued human knowledge.

“The Donald Trump library will be no different,” a White House insider tells LCD Views, “it will perfectly symbolise Mr Trump’s personal commitment to the classics. In this case the classics of office equipment, and of course crayons.”

The office equipment alluded to will be paper shredders.

“The paper shredder has long been a stalwart of the type of businessman, and lately president, that Mr Trump has been. So the library will have displays of the evolution of this vital device. Starting of course with a plaster mould of Mr Trump’s hands, as they were his very first shredder.”

Life size plaster mould of Donnie’s hands?

“No. Clearly that would just make them harder to find. The display will be three or four times life size.”

But it’s not just the machines, and busy little hands, that will be in the tower shaped library. Millions of actual documents from Mr Trump’s time in office will also be stored.

“In boxes, on the shelves, but not categorised. It will add to the fun for researchers visiting the institution.”

Special tables will be provided for people to tip the document piles out onto and they can then spend hours piecing it all together.

“Visitors will be encouraged to tweet out their discoveries as they go, it’s going to be just the greatest visitor experience.”

And what about the crayons? Will Mr Trump’s art feature on the walls?

“No. Sadly Donald ate all the documents he personally produced, pretty much always in the moments after he completed his mark making.”

BREAKING : Man size pacifier delivered to White House in emergency mission by Marine One

DUMMY FOR A DUMMY : The skies over Washington DC have been busy overnight as the US President’s helicopter, Marine One, was called into action on an emergency mission.

News that big baby Donnie has still not slept through the night since the confirmation of his election loss is believed to be behind the vision that people gathered beyond the fencing surrounding the White House witnessed.

“The UFO appeared in the sky shortly after 1am,” our Washington correspondent reveals, “with the searchlights on top of the White House lighting up what at first appeared to be a large circular object moving erratically through the sky.”

But as the object approached closer to the White House what it was became clear.

“A dummy,” our reporter continues, “which in American currency is called a pacificer.”

And a pacifier is certainly needed, with outgoing President Trump understood to be raging around the historic building and refusing his bottle.

“Melania is shattered. She’s been unable to get him to settle for days. Even threatening a screen ban hasn’t worked. Which is a shame, FOX pivoted in the winds has only made his tantrum worse.”

Hopes are the pacifier will at least give Mr Trump’s primary carers a few moments of silence.

“It’s burger flavoured,” our correspondent adds, “so there’s hopes he will at least suck on it as hard as his he’s taking his defeat. If this doesn’t work they’ll have to call for Super Nanny. Or perhaps just sedate him with a tranquiliser gun. All options are still on the table.”

Boris Johnson expected to grant Donald Trump a peerage in New Year’s Honours list

LORD DRUMPF OF HOTAYRSHIRE : The fake news printing press is never cold where Boris Johnson and Donald ‘Gonad’ Trump are concerned, and there’s no news more fake than this article.

Which is not to say it isn’t true. And rumours this morning that Boris Johnson is expected to elevate his buddy across the pond, Donald Trump, to the House of Lords in the New Year’s Honours List are only fuelling the speculation of what’s to come.

“Just because the Queen won’t have to host another Trump state visit, doesn’t mean our aged monarch is completely rid of him,” our international correspondent reports, “with Mr Trump expected to be on The Queen’s Honours List as 2020 grudgingly gives way to its sequel.”

What party affiliation Mr Trump will take in the UK’s second chamber isn’t clear, with the automatic assumption he will take the Tory whip undermined by the associated rumours regarding Mr Trump’s plans.

“It’s thought that once Mr Trump is dragged out of the Oval Office he will flee to the UK, hence the news about his elevation to the House of Lords. But, and this is the important point, he’s expected then to run for the leadership of UKIP. That said, it won’t make him the first UKIP peer, because the Tory Party is now UKIP. But for appearances sake he may nominally take the UKIP whip, because he will be the whip.”

And the Lordship of Trump raises additional queries about who will be Lady Trump.

“Potentially one of the Melania’s, but it’s always possible they will have divorced him before it occurs. In which case his daughter will most likely be Lady Drumpf.”

But Lord and Lady Drumpf of where?

“Ayrshire, due to Trump’s ownership of a golf club there,” our correspondent confirms, “however the area will change name to accommodate Lord Drumpf and become Hotayrshire.”