Report into Russian interference will be released by 10 Downing Street once they get the font right

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : Concerns about foreign interference into UK elections, and perhaps even referendums, are set to be pushed into the long grass after 10 Downing Street announced it was ready to release the intelligence report.

“It was all a question of getting the format right,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “oh, and the font. If the font isn’t right people will have trouble with comprehension. Times New Roman? Clarendon? Well, the choices are endless. Some of them are very distracting. Imagine the trouble if we used Storybook? We’d never hear the end of it!”

But it’s not just the font that Downing Street are concerning themselves with, but also the format of the release.

“A big, fat, daunting report? Like one of those boring reports you get after a judge led public inquiry? People will nod off before they’ve finished the intro! So we’re going to shred the report first. This will give everyone an enriching experience when they read the report. You can even involve your kids in piecing the individual strands together. That will keep them busy for weeks! More so once we mix in a shredded copy of ‘War and Peace’.”

Of course critics of the delay to releasing the report, some in government have suggested until after the coming general election, have been dismissed as “handwringing, girly swots”.

“Some people need to get out more,” the source shrugged, “they wrap themselves into knots over distractions like who played tennis with who, for a massive cash donation. Who had dinner with who, for a massive cash donation. Who is laundering money via high end London property purchases? Such events are normal fundraising, especially when you’re taking money from the Russians.”

Whether or not US interference in UK democracy will be mentioned isn’t yet clear.

“I think you’ll get a clear and transparent answer to that from any of the ‘think tanks’ who regularly have representatives all over BBC news programmes,” the source said, “once they finish telling you that the failing NHS is the worst model for healthcare in the world, they’ll be prepared to offer you a good price on your home, if you’re over 55, to pay for your health care.

“But that’s nothing to do with Brexit and the realisation by US corporate interests that the greatest asset concentration in private hands in the UK is in home ownership of the over 55’s.”

I thought the report was concerned with the Russians?

“Well, it all can seem rather wrapped up together, Brexit, Putin, Americans billionaires. Funny old world. And to think we used to be against each other in the Cold War? And now we work together. The report should really be read as a testament to global cooperation.”

If we ever get to read it.

Donald Trump to host one off reality TV series ‘UK General Election 2019’

WHERE DEMOCRACY STRUGGLES TO SURVIVE : GREAT NEWS for fans of reality television with the announcement from Trump Towers Istanbul that global megasuperstar, President Donald Trump, is to host a one off reality TV series to see out 2019.

‘UK General Election 2019’ will be broadcast on all major channels, but definitely not on any loser channels, as the UK’s politicians struggle to make it through to the final round and be crowned winner.

Each week’s show will be themed with such old time favourites such as ‘Foreign Influence – Who’s Pocket Is Your Government In?’, ‘Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics’, ‘NHS – Deal or No Deal?’, ‘Brexiter v Lexiter’ and everyone’s favourite, ‘Who is Boris boofing this week?’.

Competitors will be eliminated through the five week contest, with only one standing to be crowned PM in the series finale on December 12th. This will save the country the agonising wait which the outdated tradition of counting individual citizen’s ballots involves.

“The show will also have exciting subplots,” our Entertainment Specialist reveals, “How long will Nigel and Boris fight before kissing and making up? Special Advisor Face Off – Who is the most like Machiavelli? Seumas or Dom? How many seats can Labour and the Lib Dems hand to the Tories with their endless handbagging of one another? And other exciting storylines that will be improvised throughout the weeks as the reaction to the previous week’s show is digested by the producers.”

There’s a variety of possibilities for the final show too, when the winner is crowned by Donnie.

“If Boris becomes PM again, with a majority sufficient to pass his WAB into law, then that’s it for UK parliamentary democracy, as anyone who’s familiar with even the vaguest details of this ‘Henry VIII powers’ act can tell you.”

But maybe younger voters, those wildcards, and the stubborn refusal of the smaller parties to lie down in a ditch and die, will see the crown withheld as tactical voting and local electoral pacts may just be sufficient to see the UK’s next parliament hung even more heavily than the last.

“If that happens they’ll be displaying a picture of a bull’s testes and the show will be commissioned for a second series,” our specialist says, “although Donnie won’t be hosting that one, as he will be well into filming his personal biopic, ‘Impeachment’.”

UK GE 2019 – Democracy is not what it seems. Especially not when 10 Downing Street is suppressing the release of a report on foreign interference in UK elections on the eve of an election…

Boris Johnson puts himself out to stud to raise cash for Tory GE campaign

SHAGGING FOR BRITAIN : Great news today for Conservative and Unionist Party supporters worried about the size of the party’s GE war chest. Outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Shagger” Johnson has come up with a solution which will display his virility to full impact.

The solution, according to news we’ve just fabricated this morning, is that outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Bonkers” Johnson is to fill the old war chest by putting himself out to stud.

“He’ll service any species,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it doesn’t have to be human. Horse. Bullock. Canine. Feline. Soft furnishings. Home hubs. Sports cars. Light aircraft. Your sense of security. He’ll shag it senseless.”

What fee the outgoing Prime Minister will charge will depend on the number of services and the length of time the client wishes to spend with the prize bull of British politics.

“Clearly a lot of people have been getting screwed by Boris for free,” the source continues, “which in hindsight doesn’t seem in keeping with modern Conservative thinking on the economy. Although, to be really in keeping I guess Boris should be outsourcing the stud servicing to Donald Trump. But he’s too busy shagging America just now. So homegrown talent will have to do.”

As part of the fundraising drive an app will be released that will allow interested customers to book a stud time and pay the money immediately.

“This is the modern world,” the source added, “it’s not enough to just con and shakedown pensioners who will need their reserves to pay for that hip replacement post Brexit. Social media advertising is expensive. It’s good to know England has a primed prime minister willing to go to whatever lengths are needed to shag all the nations of the UK at once.”

It’s not clear yet what the app will be called. But a team are working on it and once the focus grouping has identified the best title it will be released. In the meantime you can arrange to be visited by Boris “Screwfast” Johnson by phoning an 0870 number.

“I think they should call the app ‘Classic Dom’,” the source finished, “or maybe ‘Short Cummings’, as it’s sure to be oversubscribed upon release and Boris shagged off his feet.”

Shagging for Britain? Someone has to get their pants down and do it, and it won’t come cheap.

The NHS is not for sale, we already sold it, claims Matt Hancock

The NHS is safe in our profit-hungry hands, claims Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock. I won’t sell the NHS, he says, or at least I won’t sell my shares in NHS plc.

“It was ours to sell anyway,” snivels an unrepentant Hancock. “Conservative governments have poured countless billions into the NHS, it’s about time we saw some return on our investment.”

Standards of healthcare remain unaffected, Hancock claims. “Obviously we had to lay off a lot of the overpaid dead wood,” he said. “Quite frankly, younger, hungrier, cheaper staff can do the same work as an expensive consultant. It’s done wonders for the profit margins!”

Hancock denies accusations that Americans have bought up our hospitals, and that British people now only receive treatment if they have taken out health insurance from Hancock and his mates.

To discover the truth, LCD Views’ Paying Through The Ear, Nose And Throat correspondent visited Trump Hospital somewhere in Middle England.

Unfortunately, we were unable to gain access since the bouncers took exception to the fact that we refused to tip them several hundred dollars. So we went round the back to have a fag with some of the staff.

“Working conditions are totally shit,” said junior medical associate Penny Sillyn. “Stupid job title as well, it means naff all and the pay is atrocious too. The patients call us McNurses.”

She shivered in her inadequate uniform. “We are supposed to behave like we are in a Carry On film,” she complained. “Hence the low cut top and skimpy skirt. There aren’t any hunky doctors, just twats who can sell themselves to the bosses, but can’t do the job. It’s like working in retail, but all the customers are dying.”

Surely your job is to make them better?

“Yeah, right,” she retorted. “Our job is to extract as much insurance money as possible before we send them home to die. Except for the loaded wankers on the Executive Ward, of course.”

With that she returned to work the rest of her 48 hour shift.

Nigel Farage to become BBC Director General as reward for electoral pact with Boris Johnson

IGNOBLED BY DESIGN : Nigel Farage is celebrating the renewal of his contract as (unofficial) Director for News and Current Affairs at the BBC with the announcement that he is to increase his influence and become the Director General of the whole kit and kaboddle.

Speaking to a forced press conference earlier today Mr Farage spoke of his pleasure at his new appointment.

“Now. Now. Let me speak (no one was interrupting him). Some would say this is just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage said, “but I would say it’s a reward for hard work in the service of shadowy backers and tub thumping, nation destroying nationalism, paid for by the nation. Quite the lark. Bartender, another bite of bitter! Charge it to the EP!”

The elevation of Mr Farage to Director General is believed to be part of an electoral pact with outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson. This will give Mr Johnson a clear run at the credulous vote, at least on the right wing of British politics.

And it’s even better for Mr Farage.

“I must say I was additionally touched when I told old Bojo and Short Cummings that becoming Director General of an organisation I already control by default was not enough. If they wanted me to stand down the attack dogs of my limited company in the upcoming GE I needed to be ignobled also.”

And ignobled Mr Farage is set to be.

He is to become Lord Haw-Haw of Faschism before taking up his expanded duties.

There are of course critics of the move. Some hoped with the retirement of Daily Mail audiobook, John Humphrys, that the BBC may become more impartial again. But those critics won’t stand a chance of appearing in the BBCQT audience, so we can pretend they don’t exist.

“Some would say my ignobling as Lord Haw-Haw is also just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage added. “And it would be hard to disagree with that. Bartender! Drinks for the house. They’re on the BBC!”

Rayleigh and Wickford issued with Danger: Unexploded Brexiter warning

A Danger: Unexploded Brexiter warning has been issued in the bosky surroundings of Rayleigh and Wickford. Residents have been advised to stay indoors and avoid the BBC.

The Brexiter, which is believed to date from World War Two, has repeatedly threatened to explode. The latest expected explosion date, 31 October, came and went without incident. But experts say that it could go off without warning at any time.

The army has been called in to take control of the situation. An exclusion zone the size of the constituency has been established, and nobody who is more left wing than Nigel Farage may enter.

The perimeter is being patrolled carefully. Not by aggressive types with guns and dogs, but by gammon hunters waiting for the explosion so they can get a free dinner.

Already some are suggesting that another exclusion zone should surround Andrew Bridgen’s North West Leicestershire constituency. An explosion of mashed potato is imminent, which makes a nice complement to Rayleigh roast gammon.

Brexiter disposal experts have been called in. They aim to defuse the situation by performing a controlled explosion in BBC Essex’s newsroom in the company of Andrew Marr.

In related news, the aforementioned Nigel Farage has been upping the Brexit purity ante again. Drop the deal and we will be your friend, he told Boris Johnson. Johnson, caught between two impossible, incompatible situations of his own making, declined. This incident did, however, set the Rayleigh timebomb ticking again.

“It’s a cock up, a foul up and a stitch up,” spluttered the bomb, causing bystanders to scuttle for cover. “Now the bastard is going to stand against us, split the vote and we will have to stay paying tax!”

With that he clamped his Captain Mainwaring tin hat on his head and stumped off, muttering “stupid boy!”.

If all goes to plan, the next scheduled explosion will be 31 January. Or when we revoke Article 50, whichever happens first.

England Rugby team reveal they deliberately lost Rugby World Cup to avoid 10 Downing Street photo op

SOME THINGS JUST AREN’T WORTH THE SHAME : England’s unsuccessful Rugby World Cup squad have revealed the secret behind their lack of success, after failing to allow South Africa to lose the final in Japan.

“It’s all the fault of shit-Midas Boris Johnson,” a team insider revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “we could have won, but you know what that would have meant, don’t you?”

What?

“A 10 Downing Street photo op. Ghastly thought. That’s a taste that you couldn’t wash away no matter if you gargled with battery acid. Better just to avoid scoring as much as possible and give away penalty kicks like candy.”

It seems the decision to do so was clinched when Boris Johnson hastily pulled a rugby shirt on over his business shirt last night and posted a pile of shite on social media, in an attempt to associate himself with the team’s efforts.

“You’ve seen Boris Johnson play rugby. Remember? Against the Japanese kids. When he chose to completely flatten one of them? Well, losing in Japan also seemed a good way to say sorry for his behaviour to all Japanese children.”

It seems also the decision of Mr Johnson to post a clearly cynically staged photo of him pretending to watch the game today didn’t help either.

“Sat there on the floor like a wally holding down that little dog on his lap? If we hadn’t already decided to lose, that effort would have sealed it. Why does he bother? Why doesn’t he leave people who actually work hard to achieve something alone?”

But while the decision to throw the game is now clear, and supportable, the government doesn’t seem to be seeing it that way.

Rumours suggest that Priti Patel has ordered Home Office officials to immediately revoke the citizenship of the unsuccessful English team and deny them return to Blighty. The charge being “bringing shame on the Fatherland”.

“That’s fine with us,” the insider added, “we’re really enjoying Japan. Hopefully by the time we’re eventually allowed home the entire toxic shambles in Downing Street will have been flattened flatter than a Japanese school boy stood in Boris Johnson’s way.”

BBC criticised after failing to cover the Halloween Brexit riots

The riots promised by angry brexiters have gone completely unreported. The biased BBC has been slammed by furious truth seekers hoping for a more balanced media.

Of course, the facts leaked out onto the interweb. Crowds of angry people, some almost fifty strong, emerged blinking from Wetherspoons and started throwing evil glances left, right and centre.

The size of the protests almost slowed down a bit of traffic. It actually caused a couple of BMW drivers to honk their horns.

Thousands of banners were imagined by the worthy warriors. A number of badly spelled placards almost got made. Yet none of this was reported by the BBC.

After all, if it barely reports upon, and belittles, an assembly of over a million peaceful protestors, why would it bother with 17.4 million angry, rioting people who were there in spirit, if not in person?

Naturally we turned to the BBC itself for comment. “It’s not really entertaining enough,” explained BBC spokesman Telly Graf-Reader. “I mean, who wants to see a report about people gathering for a social event? Nobody wants that on Halloween, they want to see pumpkins carved in the shape of Nigel Farage.”

The BBC didn’t really mention the enormous People’s Vote events either.

“To be fair, a bunch of people gathering in London causing a few road closures isn’t news,” said Graf-Reader. “Local news at best, and fifth item, just after the standing report about dog poo bins.”

What would the BBC have said if one of the protestors had thrown an egg instead of a strop?

“Depends who it hit,” replied Graf-Reader. “If they had targeted Boris, Rees-Mogg, Francois or one of the other good guys, then it would have been full scale out of control mayhem and we would have backed the government’s plans to re-employ all the police officers they got rid of under austerity.”

If it had been a Remainer?

“Obviously that would have been an attempt to express their frustration with traitors betraying democracy,” explained Graf-Reader. “And we would have sympathised with The People while getting a bit huffy about their methods.”

And if it had been Corbyn?

“Egg on his face.”

No eggs were harmed in the production of this article.

Nigel Farage threatens to withdraw Brexit Party whip from Boris Johnson

THICK AS THIEVES : Nigel Farage has set the pigeon amongst the cats today by threatening to withdraw the Brexit Party whip from outgoing Brexit prime minister Boris Johnson.

The move is part of an escalation strategy as Mr Farage bids to retain his lucrative MEP’s seat in the European Union’s parliament.

Mr Farage hit out at Mr Johnson during the Brexit Party book burning, held this afternoon on a College Green, Westminster, to launch the BXP’s GE campaign.

The campaign will run under the slogan “No Book Left Unburned” and will attempt to torch a library’s worth of printed material in all 650 UK constituencies by the end of campaigning on December 11th.

Mr Johnson had been expected to feature heavily, as Mr Farage’s drawcard, with plans in place to have him personally pick up a flamethrower and torch any material that analysed far right politics and the events of the first half of 20th century European politics.

But speaking at the launch today, with a rolled up copy of Playboy in his back pocket, and a gasoline soaked Shakespeare manuscript at his feet, Mr Farage warned Mr Johnson that his patience was wearing thin.

“If Boris doesn’t immediately drop any pretence to sanity, in the eyes of the truly credulous, and commit to crashing out of the European Union the moment the election is over, then he can not stay a paid up subscriber of my limit company,” Mr Farage bellowed, much like a bullfrog in heat, “if he doesn’t drive away enough support from the Conservatives I risk losing my seat on the outrage gravy train. I won’t stand for it!”

Additionally Mr Farage threatened to personally stand in each constituency to properly split the Brexit vote, in the hope of eliminating the risk to his career campaigning for Brexit.

It’s not sure how Mr Johnson will respond to being threatened so publicly by Mr Farage, or what their shadowy offshore backers will make of the spat.

“As long as the exchange rates keep fluctuating neither will be sanctioned,” our political editor surmised, “and they’ll soon make up. Trump needs to purchase the NHS before he’s impeached out of office, so I expect both men will be getting a call and told to work together. There’s books to burn after all, and they can do it as a pair by just holding the leaves to their smouldering pants.”

Brexit Riots Organising Committee meets to decide new date for rioting

A TRICKLE THAT BECAME A DRIP : The Brexit Riots Organising Committee, or BROC, is scheduled to meet later today to decide on a new date to begin rioting, just as soon as they can agree on what time to meet today.

“Some members of the committee want to meet before lunch, some think they should have the discussion over lunch, but others think it’ll go better with a big lunch of gammon tucked away first,” a source inside BROC told LCD Views, “I personally think we shouldn’t be having a meeting at all, and should just start randomly shouting at strangers until it all kicks off.”

But the failure of riots to begin last night, after the UK failed to Brexit once again, has not dampened BROC’s certainty that the rioting will happen next time.

“Bloody French tricked us,” the source continues, “they knew that by scheduling the latest non-Brexit for Halloween we’d all be too busy trick or treating to form up and charge on Westminster with burning sticks. They won’t be so lucky on the 1st February, if that’s the date we decide for the next riots. You mark my words.

“Although of course that’s just more underhandedness from the dastardly EU. They know another winter in austerity Britain will diminish our ranks. But I’ve a plan to recruit younger rioters. You just wait until they hear we can’t control our own boarders and those gates and uniformed people they see at airports are just a mirage beamed over from Brussels with a ray gun!”

BROC of course isn’t without its internal critics. There is even rumour of dissent within the committee over the need to schedule the riots to begin with. Surely people should just turn up and riot? They’re supposed to be spontaneous.

“I don’t hold to that,” the source said, “everything about Brexit is a cynical and calculated manipulation of the electorate. Why should the Brexit riots happen any differently? They’ll definitely kick off on the next scheduled date when people aren’t suddenly faced with international pariah status. You just wait.”