Australia rules Brexit means we will always win the Ashes, says Boris Johnson

THE BORIS BOOMERANG: Aussie rules are making a comeback. No matter how hard you try to throw them away, they always return. The old euphemism for No Deal is back on the table, slathered in Vegemite and garnished with Tim Tams.

“This is fantastic news, and when I say fantastic I mean really spaffing – no, spiffing,” gibbered Boris Johnson, who these days barely even pretends to be Prime Minister. “We have always been great friends with the Austrians – no, Ostriches – no, Australians – and Aussie rules brings us closer than ever before!”

How will you achieve that closeness?

“Errm, well, yes, now the thing is, it’s a simple solution,” burbled Johnson. “I will, erm, right ho, ah yes, build a bridge between England and Australia! Modern architecture is a wonderful thing, don’t you know. Or we could create a tunnel like with France. It’s straight down of course, so gravity will do all the work.”

What are the benefits of Aussie rules Brexit?

“Yes, well, wiff waff, there are many, many, good things here,” stalled Johnson. “Vegemite, of course. Yes. Those lovely Tim Tams, you can’t get them here, what a great deal! And Steve Smith. Yes! We’re all on the same side now! Steve Smith will have to play for England, and we will win the Ashes every year! Huzzah!”

What do the Australians think of this?

“Put it this way,” Johnson said, suddenly serious. “The Aussies are basically the English criminal class who were sent to the outback to teach them a good hard lesson. I think they have probably served their time, and should be jolly grateful that we only deported them and built them crude shacks to live in, instead of making them sleep on the beaches. It was a hostel environment!”

The country is being burned as we speak. England is being cremated, and the ashes will be sent to Australia.

Electoral commission orders GE2019 re-run after discovery unelected bureaucrat elected prime minister

HEAVY IS THE HEAD WHO WEARS THE BEANIE : THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION has ruffled feathers at the 10 Downing Street vulture party today by ordering the 2019 General Election re-run.

“We will comply fully with the direction from the Electoral Commission,” a source at 10 Downing Street said, “just as soon as we stop laughing.”

The reason for the re-run appears to be a mistake on the ballot papers issued at the time of the general election.

“People assumed they were electing Boris “Al to his friends” Johnson as prime minister, by virtue of electing him the parliamentary representative for Ripoff and Useless. But instead it appears the actual candidate was Dominic Cummings,” a spokesman for the EC told LCD Views.

The news will come as no surprise to anyone with a passing interest in Westminster politics.

“Given the way Mr Cummings appears to be dead set on dismantling the British state as we know it. The eyewatering waste of public monies on vanity projects – a feature of the Cummings’ premiership the hard right US money funded think tanks are bizarrely quiet over – and the general incompetence of Mr Cummings, we feel it is only fair for the British people to have their say once more. Even if that sort of thing is now old fashioned.”

LCD Views welcomes the order from the Electoral Commission. Furthermore we believe the 2016 EU referendum should be re-run, regardless of the legal status of the country’s current relationship with the EU. Just so people can read on billboards the correct information about their voting choice.

“Let’s take back control from Brussels and give it to a prat who claims he goes driving for eye tests. Oh and spaffs every penny the Exchequer has up the wall owned by his mates.”

Choose well Global Britons. Your life is at stake. And speaking of stakes, you probably want to have one handy when Dom calls during the GE, as it’ll likely be at midnight and he won’t enter your home without an invitation.

Union Jack now recognised as international symbol of distress, whichever way up it is

DROWNING NOT WAVING : THE PRIDE OF A COUNTRY is often thought to exist intangibly in its national symbols, which explains why Great Britain has so very many symbols.

“But none are more symbolic than the flag,” our Flag Fetish expert reveals today, “and the Union Jack is recognised internationally as the most potent symbol that there is.”

And it seems the famous old flag is carrying more weight in the 21st century, as the UK, freed of the shackles of oompf to be found in membership of a multi-national group of democracies numbering over a half a billion people, makes its way once more alone on the world stage.

“Everyone knows what the Union Jack means,” our expert continues, “which is why we can be so proud of the new international consensus over its meaning.”

This new consensus appears to be a revolution in the way countries signal distress to the world.

“It was pretty old fashioned to have to physically turn a flag upside down to say you’re in trouble,” our expert explains, “when you consider the sheer number of flags in a country? Having teams of civil servants, or territorials, run about the place turning every flag upside down? It’s incredibly inefficient. Well, now Global Britons are freed of that tiresome chore.”

This is because it has been agreed overnight that the Union Jack is now the international symbol of distress, whether its upside down or back to front or balancing on a corner.

“The message is clear and made more crystal with each passing day that Dominic Cummings runs the country,” our expert finishes, “if you see a Union Jack, you know the person flying it needs help.”

Boris Johnson’s jet refitted with engines that burn wads of £50 notes instead of aviation fuel

IF YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FLAG ON IT : Extra details today about the much loved revamp of Boris Johnson’s flying zoo, first announced in the week the government attempted not to feed hungry children over summer.

“It’s not just the new paint job that’s special,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve changed the engines too. The better to showcase Global Britain to the world, freed of the shackles of unelected officials, thanks to Brexit and Dom. Classic.”

It appears in addition to painting a signal of distress on the tail the engines have been replaced with a new design that burns wads of £50 notes.

The burning of pound sterling-engines was developed by an international consortium of hedge fund traders and kleptocrats and are believed to be incredibly efficient. It’s also thought the sheer cost of keeping the plane flying will counterbalance the lack of demand for Sterling on the international exchanges.

“The only snag is the sheer volume of money required to keep flying,” the source continued, “you need to throw in about £350m a week in fifties. Lesser denomination notes won’t do the job. It has to be fifties. Although if you get stuck mid-flight, running low on fuel, then you can have a group of Tory MPs stand on the wings and clap for the NHS. The intense concentration of hypocrisy creates a kind of magnetic field that continues to drive the engines. You can also throw in bundles of national self respect and international reputation, if you want to supercharge the plane. Or put a tiger in the tank, as we say.”

While the engines maybe of a new design the fuel delivery system is a classic.

“They operate like a traditional British steam engine from the Victorian era. You simply have a burly child stand in front of the furnace and shovel in the cash. And then keep shovelling!”

But there is one warning with the new system.

“It’s like diesel and unleaded with cars,” the source adds, “if you even attempt to put offshore tax haven money into the turbines the whole show will collapse. It has to be public cash from the Royal Mint. The more the merrier.”

Boris Johnson hosts The Apprentice but never fires anyone

YOU HAD ONE JOB: And you certainly didn’t do it. Robert Jenrick is only the latest pretender to the throne of Emperor Boris who has not been fired.

The setup is simple. Week in, week out, young Turks who aspire to Borishood compete to fulfill basic tasks. Every week, the Johnson dismisses the least successful, or at least the most anonymous. The last man standing becomes Apprentice to Johnson.

But Johnson never fires anyone. And so the shitshow continues indefinitely, and none of the candidates fears failure. It has become a competition to see who can get away with the most.

In Jenrick’s case, it’s a simple matter of helping a billionaire to avoid paying tax. Jenrick has not been particularly good at Borishood, and he is certainly anonymous. But the stakes are higher these days, and a simple case of blatant corruption no longer cuts the mustard.

Indeed, when an unelected bureaucrat can break lockdown, claim to go driving to test his eyesight, lie about it, and instead of being sacked is rewarded with his own cosy press conference, the stakes are higher than Michael Gove on a fact finding mission to Amsterdam.

Matt Hancock has tried especially hard to get fired. He has tried lying, being creepy and patronising, concealing information, contradicting himself, and fiddling the figures. Yet Johnson hasn’t fired him either.

The only wannabe Boris that Johnson would like to fire is Keir Starmer. Unfortunately for Johnson, Starmer is not an arse licking toady on the take, but a genuine rival. A typical exchange between them goes thus:

“Prime Minister, the figures show that your government is doing a particularly bad job, please explain.”

“The figures are wrong!”

“They are your own figures, Prime Minister.”

At which point Johnson generally splutters and engages in some irrelevant whataboutery instead of replying.

Shitshow means shitshow. Unfortunately Starmer can’t fire Johnson either.

Johnson hits back : “I challenge Starmer to name one single country with a working prime minister”

SHEARING SHEEP : THE HOUSE OF COMMONS has been the scene of many a fierce exchange between equally able adversaries in its long and glorious history, and never less so than the current era.

Mr Johnson, currently pretending to be prime minister (so Mr Cummings can swing the wrecking ball behind the scenes), squared off against the fact obsessed Starmer yesterday and hit himself square between the lies.

Faced with an entirely unnecessary series of questions based in entirely unnecessary facts from Sir Starmer, Mr Johnson put his sizeable shoulder to the mental hamster wheel Cummings runs him on daily, and demanded an answer from the Leader of the Opposition.

Perhaps he mistakenly believes “PMQs” means it’s time for him to ask questions, and not answer them?

“I know the right honourable gentlemen is mired in the dogeared traditions of the past,” Mr Johnson wafted, looking anywhere but at Mr Starmer, “he seems to think that having a functioning government not led by an idiot is a benchmark of governance? And this in the age of public servants doing the work of hedge funds and billionaires? Really. Does he not realise the UK is now a billionairocracy? He is a man out of his time.”

Mr Starmer waited with the delightful air of coiled passive aggressiveness that is proving so effective against Mr Johnson. Perhaps an aura modelled on imagining what is Mr Johnson’s private nightmare? The close confidant or partner that once again has him bang to rights and is just waiting for him to trigger the trap?

“I challenge the right honourable gentleman to name one country that has a functioning prime minister?”

Mr Starmer inhaled and then exhaled the one word that is kryptonite to puffed up, pathetic, empire nostalgia freaks like Mr Johnson.

“Germany.”

Although the list that answers Mr Johnson’s ill considered question is of course, much longer. Just like the list of countries with functioning Covid-19 apps.

BREAKING : Government to publish full and transparent price list for ministerial decisions

VALUE FOR MONEY GUARANTEED : DOWNING STREET is seeking to get ahead of the alleged ‘cash for favours’ controversy today after an interesting outing by a minister on this morning’s Today programme.

While the comments raised concerns about the potential for corruption, supporters of Downing Street have applauded the regime for its “business as usual” transparency.

“People know the rules of the game,” a imagined spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and we’re not shifting the goal posts. They’re exactly where they’ve always been. It’s just right and proper that everyone can see how the game is played. You can’t say without fear or favour. God knows there’s enough fear and favour to sink a steam ship. But who’s ever been to a football match on a cruise liner and not experienced the fear of the crowd and the haranguing of officials over perceived favouritism? Especially as the giant iceberg goes from looming upon the horizon to just beginning to scrape along the bows. Goal!!!”

And to capitalise on the new, open and transparent style of government 10 Downing Street has announced it will release a “full, comprehensive and world beating” price list for ministerial decisions by week end.

“Or the weekend, we’re still nailing down some of the details. But if you want to, say, develop some green belt but the nimbies at the local council are standing in your way, well, the price to get the pitchforks back in the sheds will be achievable for any billionaire, even ones on a budget. It’s classic, traditional Tory governance.”

In other, unrelated news, a banana will be added to the Union Jack to symbolise the direction the UK has most determinedly taken…

Robert Jenrick approves plan to redevelop David Cameron’s shed as S&M Superstore

DESTINY IS ALL : PRIME MINISTER DOMINIC CUMMINGS is said to be feeling a little cheesed off today after Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, Robert Jenrick, continues to steal the headlines for another day.

“Robby is only a pup,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but he’s already amassed quite a list of achievements in the Toryverse. So many questionable decisions while in government, such contempt for the law [allegedly], so many interesting links to interesting people. He even went to the Trump inauguration. Which doubled the crowd size. Quite the overachiever.”

But the latest story to hit the headlines involves Britain’s greatest former prime minister, David Cameron, and his plans to redevelop his shepherd’s hut shed as an S&M Superstore.

Initially his local council refused permission, citing public health concerns, but then Dave and Robert had lunch. It’s been plain sailing ever since.

“The headline is a little inaccurate,” the source continues, “as I don’t think anything will be being sold at any visit, well, not in a retail sense. But if you like leveraging your accident of birth to make the less fortunate suffer, it’s going to get the blood racing. And clearly if you examine David Cameron’s premiership he’s the one who deserves the credit for beginning what is now fire sale UK. Roll up! Roll up! Everything must go! Steam train entering a tunnel type stuff for modern Conservatives.”

But thanks to an imagined FOI request (mostly imagined because it was successful and not just hundreds of ‘redacted’ pages) LCD Views are able to reveal details of the planning application.

“It’s modern Tory fetish fun time. Multiple levels with audio-visual displays of food banks. Liz Truss tweeting about trade. Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein up close and coming in and out of focus like a 60’s psychedelic short film. Boris Johnson’s short film about “How I learned to give up the search for the G Spot and just keep shagging”, the criminality of the EU ref. Robert himself meeting with various billionaires who have issues with local councils and planning regulations. The despair of millions now suffering daily thanks to the only real motivation of their government being the movement of public cash to private pockets. It’s intensely arousing watching offshore bank accounts swell, swell and swell. You’ll need a shower afterwards.”

And seeing as it’s 2020 will there be a statue erected at the entrance?

“Yes. David Cameron holding a pig, in brass. Well, the neck is brass, the rest of it is just bullshit.”

Boris Johnson ends daily briefings beLIEving everyone is as bored of dead people as he is

SICK SENSE : Get out of here! No one cares anymore. These two statements appear to be the premise for the decision to end the daily Covid-19 press briefings, and not the fact that the scientists just can’t take it anymore.

“It’s really very tedious,” a 10 Downing Street source commented, “we thought getting members of the public to submit questions, rather then so called journalists, would liven it up a little, but even then there weren’t enough questions about Mr Johnson’s choice of shampoos.”

How members of the public will get their daily updates as to the status of the Covid-19 pandemic in the U.K. now isn’t clear though.

“Just look at the situation in comparable industrialised countries and extrapolate it exponentially for the worse,” the source suggests, “we’ve filled our boots off the back of it, now it’s just zzzz dead people, predominantly poor, I mean we’ve got the sell off of the NHS to focus on. Fish to fry. British fish.”

It is though unclear if Mr Johnson’s boredom over the plague is shared broadly, with it seems many U.K. voters weirdly believing the PM should be both visible and accountable in times of national crisis.

“That’s the peasantry for you,” the source added, “if they wanted a visible and accountable prime minister why the hell did they elect Johnson?”

Now with Covid-19 consigned to just a fact of daily life, the public can go back to the pub and wait to see what Johnson tires of next, if even a mountain of dead can’t hold his interest.

“Brexit. That’s next. All those endless international treaty negotiations, it’s enough to put old Bojo into a coma. Bread and circuses, that’s what the country needs. And not just any circuses. World beating circuses. Wouldn’t get too hung up on the bread though. Not with leaving the single market and customs union coming up next.”

U.K. celebrates 4th anniversary of taking back control from tyrannical unelected bureaucrats in Brussels

GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW : 23rd June 2016 is now firmly established as the day Global Britons took back control from the unaccountable, unelected bureaucrats in Brussels.

“But the people voted to take back control,” our 10 Downing Street source commented, quoting a now retired BBC4 Today programme host, “so it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards.”

What the country will do to mark the 4th anniversary isn’t clear, as no national celebration has been planned, but our in house experts have some good advice.

Suggestions for how to celebrate Brexit Day 2020 :

  1. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  2. Spend the day depriving EU27 citizens of their rights, after they were promised “nothing would change”. Be sure to feel pride in your British exceptionalism as you do, just don’t expect it to now be easy to trade with, or travel to France, Italy, Germany, Spain…well, the cost of victory is worth it, Global Britons, open to the world, betraying millions who settled in the UK legally and in good faith. We did this Global Britons, all together.
  3. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  4. Take a “Cooking With Chlorine” course.
  5. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  6. If you have several millions to spare, why not apply for a burgundy passport from a small, cash strapped EU state? Then you can laugh at poorer Brits in airport queues shelling out for visas, insurance and all the other things they’d taken for granted.
  7. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  8. Shove a massive cactus up your backside and sit down on a hard surface, then punch yourself in the face.
  9. Read the Conservative Party election manifesto for the 2019 general election. This is equivalent to punching yourself in the face. Follow that up with understanding the transfer of power to Boris and chums via the legislation for exiting the EU. This will be two black eyes.
  10. See suggestion No. 1. Rinse and repeat.

Once you have exhausted the list, if you’re at a loose end, and you can still see clearly, take some time to consider Dominic Cummings and who has really taken back control of the UK via Brexit.

Oh, and No. 11 – Bake a sovereignty cake and share it with your neighbours. Happy Brexit Day Global Britons. It’s time to pause and think on your achievements and what you’re going to do about them going forward.