UK advised to learn lessons of WW2 and change shit prime minister for a good one at start of extended crisis

BLITZING THE UNAVOIDABLE SHITMINSTER : THE UNITED KINGDOM has received some much needed advice today from Reality, which stopped by to have a world.

“I see you’re in a crisis about the Coronavirus crisis,” Mr Reality stated, nodding soberly.

We are. Nice of you to stop by. What would you like to tell our audience?

“You’ve such a fetishisation in certain demographics of population and media for WW2. I’m surprised you are taking so long to work out one of the key lessons that the period offers. So far as early crisis management goes.”

Which is?

“When you’re entering an extended crisis, which is now inevitable due to the poor decisions of the current government, the first thing you need to ensure is new, sound leadership.”

We have a government.

“I didn’t say you didn’t have a government.”

It’s just that they don’t appear sound.

“They don’t, do they.”

So what should we do?

“What did they do in WW2? What did Neville Chamberlain do?”

He found his political support evaporating and he stood down. Winston Churchill took over as prime minister with cross party support.

“What should Boris Johnson do?”

Well, judging only by the Sunday papers he’s hanging Cummings out to dry.

“He should go with him. Then you lot should form a government of national unity, cross party, with a credible prime minister leading it. One with an attention span greater than a gnat’s.”

Then what?

“If you choose wisely, they’ll know what to do. But I’d start by listening to the WHO.”

Nerr, I’ve gone off them since Daltrey revealed himself as a kipper.

“The World Health Organisation, you wally.”

“Roger that.”

Roger who?

Roger that. Listen to the World Health Organisation and not Dom.

Dominic Cummings tells Coronavirus to “come back here and I’ll bite your legs off”

UNELECTED SPAD SPAFFS TIME ADVANTAGE AGAINST WALL OF FATE : Britain’s unelected prime minister, Dominic ‘out on his ear soon’ Cummings has used his client journalists to give Covid—19 a message.

“Come back here and I’ll bite your legs off!”

The message, which it’s assumed Covid-19 will ignore, follows on from a tussle between the unelected official and the new killer virus.

Till now it seems Mr Cummings has been deciding the UK’s pandemic strategy, to save Mr Johnson the effort. So boring, poor people dying in droves, just get on with it.

Just imagine that Great Britain, an unelected official has been governing Britain. The ironies and idiocies of Brexit, always a viral sickness in the body politic, now become real and fuelling a crisis.

How the mighty have allowed themselves to become fallen.

As to the tussle itself, first Coronavirus took Mr Cumming’s arms and then it took his legs, leaving the UK ‘armless in the face of pandemic crisis.

“It goes to show that you can’t run a pandemic crisis the way you’ve run Brexit,” our full time pandemic (new employee – although has been working freelance for some weeks) analyst comments.

“I’m not sure why Cummings is seen as such a genius? He got Brexit done because all the proven dodgy methods were useful to politicians, who were themselves amoral voids. So he was politically protected. This is not a genius, except I guess in the failed human field of taking advantage of people’s fears and lesser instincts.”

Get Cummings Done. Let’s get a competent administration that can manage the crisis. Emotionally retarded little boys grown into men are not going to do anything but lose their heads, and ours.

Brits advised “use toilet paper stockpiles as body wrappings to thwart zombies” during apocalypse

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

Lazarus and Jesus to self isolate together so there’s no risk of contradicting Trump

ROLL THE STONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO YOUR HOME : LCD VIEWS can report on a surprising, breaking news story today as famous figures, historical and modern, react to the call to go home and stay home during the Covid-19 crisis.

Shortly before dawn (GMT) a scruffy, woke looking bloke, in what appeared to be an old fashioned robe, took his place behind a podium in a room full of chairs, but no reporters.

The individual identified himself by pointing to a name stitched in script on the back of his robe ‘J. H. Christ’.

There was only one other individual present in the room. A man of indeterminate age who was wrapped head to toe in white sheets, as if preparing to thwart the zombie apocalypse by blending in.

His complexion was described as “pallid, with colour returning later” by experts on social media who watched the press conference live on their screens,

“People have been asking, as the pandemic sweeps the globe, ‘What would Jesus do?’,” Mr Christ begun, “well, I can tell you. After much consultation today I have taken the decision to self-isolate for the duration of the pandemic crisis.”

Mr Christ further revealed, “this has not been an easy decision. I do like to do a lot of walking of the Earth. But I believe it is vital to give medical researchers as much time as possible to get in front of the Covid-19 crisis. And I will not be alone. Lazarus will be joining me. We are going to drink a lot of wine, so long as the water supply isn’t affected. We are also going to eat a lot of bread with fish, so long as I don’t drink too much wine and eat the last remaining bread and fish at midnight in a feast.”

Mr Christ went on to explain that one of the primary motivations for the action was to not risk “contradicting that madman in the White House who asserted that ‘people are dying who have never died before’. Oh my God. I couldn’t believe. Neither could my dad.”

But while the example set is excellent, as soon as Mr Christ opened up to questions sent in via social media, what was a fairly staid press briefing steadily became chaotic.

“Y dont u heel the sick?” Badgerboy76 demanded.

“Rite move Jaysus. U too old to risk catchin it” Devote123456789 added.

Many more comments came in along these lines, before a perplexed looking Mr Christ left the podium.

“Now this is a right pickle,” he muttered, “I will go and walk among the olive trees and decide what’s the best thing to do. But I believe the first thing I will do is go and check this Trump quote at Snopes.”

Pub landlord confirms staff will be paid in beer mats during Covid-19 lockdown

BLOW HARD BIG HEART : Britain’s second most famous pub landlord, Tim Martin, has used a press spot to increase the Earth’s CO2 count by several million gaseous cubic litres. But when he wasn’t attempting to make up for the lost gas output of the global industrial shutdown, he offered reassurance for his staff.

“I agree with Stanley [Johnson] clearly,” our fictional and entirely made up landlord blew, “people should keep going to the boozer during the bloody bout of the fffing sniffles. Beer soaked carpets and atmospheres full of piss and wind destroy SARS-1 and SARS-2 on contact. Only people who don’t believe in Britain don’t believe that. Traitors. Faaaaaaark! What’s a toothbrush?”

As to how the staff of his landmark pubs will fare, should pubs be closed and they find themselves without work, Mr Martin had words of comfort.

“So called medical scientists aren’t any much for British ingenuity and blitz spirit,” he harpooned the present reality, “I will not lay off one of my workers. I will pay them to turn up, sit at tables and wait on each other. Witheringspoons will remain open throughout this silly panic over a blocked nose. Know what unblocks a blocked nose? A pint of stale ale and a meat of dubious origin curry! That’s what!”

But how will he pay the staff of the pubs don’t have any actual paying customers providing revenue?

“In beer mats,” Mr Martin spouted like the whale of fate clearing the snot from its blowhole, “clearly, if they follow my advice most of my regulars will be in ICU on ventilators. So we won’t be getting through too many beer mats. The staff can use them as exchange tokens on the black market after complete societal collapse sometime in August.”

Genius.

“And I can reassure you, every one of my Withering Spoons that hasn’t closed for want of patronage by August, will remain open until the very end of the zombie apocalypse. Now get down the bloody pub and risk catching Covid-19 like a real man!”

Stanley Johnson to takeover daily PM Covid-19 press briefings – son to self fridgerate

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS : THE UNITED KINGDOM is feeling cooler today and in no way feverish, at least not with Covid-19, as lack of testing, especially of NHS staff, means ignorance is bliss.

Those who fail to prepare and all that, but let’s not focus on that.

“But there’s still a need for hard facts for the hard of hearing,” our Public Health Matters correspondent reports, “and I have been talking to a Downing Street ‘source’ about how disseminating information will be handled daily from now on. The afternoon press briefings from the prime minister are getting a much needed makeover, but will keep the same blithe familiarity we’ve all come to know and love from the people’s prime minister.”

It’s not just the virus that needs disseminating, the UK population also needs to achieve herd immunity on bullshit.

“To this end Stanley Johnson will be taking over the daily press briefings,” our correspondent confirms, “his son is frankly terrified of them and can’t always rely on a friendly journalist to let him off the hook with a gag (reflex) trigger.”

Mr Johnson Snr will take today’s game of word salad tennis from the press corp and he’ll breathe new life into it.

“Boris will still be present,” our correspondent adds, “but he’ll be in the corner in a fridge. A Wetherspoons fridge that is and Stanley has sensibly decided to shift the location of the Q&A to the pub.”

Rest assured Global Britons you are in hands, we’re just not exactly sure they are safe hands. We haven’t finished modelling it out yet…

Boris Johnson reportedly panic selling his shares in British Exceptionalism

DANCING SICKNESS : RUMOURS ARE ALWAYS SWIRLING ABOUT THE MALADMINISTRATION of Britain’s own Colonel Kurtz and his deputy de Privates piffle Johnson, but never more so than now as the world’s stock markets continue in free fall.

Here at global publishing powerhouse, LCD Views, we’re always happy to add to the blatant fake news, under the confident assumption that the nonsense we make up today will be tomorrow’s headlines.

“It’s reported that Boris Johnson is panic selling and short positioning his own personal stock of British Exceptionalism,” our financial whiz kid rumourmongers, we suspect in an attempt to game the market.

The imagined sell off is said to be on the back of Mr Johnson going so long in BE since he began his mad dash towards Downing Street in early 2016, that he’s now longer in the rapidly devaluing paper than his own lying nose.

“He’s still investing heavily in BE with the public purse,” our financial Guru continues, “but that’s just a cover for the moment he triggers the mass sell off. About the time the weird discrepancy in the reported Covid-19 cases in the UK is explained by an expected torrent of cases breaking across the country’s hospitals.”

We don’t advise you to take investment advice from a gutter rag like ourselves.

We do advise you that if you hear a client journalist of the crazed and isolationist regime in Downing Street explain away the catastrophic error in early Coronavirus modelling with the ridiculous line “the science has changed”, you should know that the Domocalypse is Now and it’s time to self isolate.

Boris Johnson to advise Britons not to catch Coronavirus

THE SEER OF DOWNING STREET : LCD Views can swallow back our bile and distaste at the cackhandled handling of the Covid-19 crisis by Downing Street, stop wondering for a moment how this incompetent shower is still the government, and report the latest change in strategy.

“Clearly the screeching policy u turns will grow louder throughout this week,” a Downing Street spokesman, Mr De’ath, told LCD Views, “as actual science followed by the actual world gets a surprising foothold on policy.”

So far so good.

“And today, in spite of a continuing reluctance to close schools and order mass gathering venues closed (nod’s as good as a wink to the insurance industry?), we your government, and your shite Churchill impersonation act, are advising you NOT to catch Covid-19.”

The new advice is a reversal of last week’s advice which was to catch it, if you can.

“Clearly we’re very sorry for any confusion caused by the media reporting what we’ve previously said, as if we previously said it.”

But how do they explain the gobsmacking errors in modelling used to produce the previous, potentially fatal for many, advice?

“It’s perfectly understandable,” Mr De’ath explained, “Mr Johnson can only understand models that are blonde and wrapped around pole dancing poles. Actual math ones? Modelling like, um, progress of a pandemic that anyone with a basic grasp of math and social behaviour worked out weeks before us, looking at countries first in the firing line and their approaches, and the likely spread and extreme fatality rate with a do little approach that is the clear outcome of the model? And the obvious unpreparedness of the NHS and social sector to cope after a decade of private profiteering and austerity? Adding in Brexit driving away masses of EU medics? Yeah. He doesn’t stand a chance.”

Government advises Brits to mark themselves safe on Facebook in lieu of Coronavirus testing

Safety first! The new virus advice that’s going viral is self diagnosis followed by announcing the result on social media.

This appeal to the traditional British blitz spirit is the most homemade policy yet. All the loyal patriotic people have to do is answer a short series of questions, which are even simpler than the citizenship test.

First, do you feel ill? Secondly, if so, are you just a bit peaky or proper poorly? Finally, if the latter, do you have an irrational desire to bulk buy toilet roll?

Anyone capable of completing the quiz and answering “yes” to the final question is required to mark themselves “safe” on Facebook.

This move is designed to placate the public and save untold amounts of public money. This slush fund thus remains available for Tory MPs and their cronies to plunder as they wish.

Hidden deep in the small print attached to an emergency compulsory Facebook update is the following statement. “By marking yourself safe from coronavirus, this negates the validity of any future claim to have contracted the disease, so don’t expect either sympathy or treatment, suckers!”

In this way, the government has, at a stroke, relieved itself of any responsibility. This means it can return to its core business of selling arms to dodgy characters in the Middle East, then bombing them anyway.

Will self declaration be effective? “It’s no worse as a strategy than, say, purchasing tonnes of pasta,” quacked Dr Penny Sillyn. “Cheaper, too. And think of the placebo effect! It’s mind over matter. Believe yourself better!”

Comprehensive investigation, in other words spending more than five minutes on Google, revealed that Dr Sillyn was a false name, and that she was not even a real doctor. In fact she seemed to be married to, related to, or shagging many of the shady political influencers domiciled in Tufton Street. So absolutely no conflict of interest there.

LCD Views, equally medically qualified, advises stockpiling wine and self medicating. We cannot take responsibility for any hangovers which may result. Oh, and mark yourself safe while you’re at it.

Boris Johnson begins making ICU ventilators out of empty wine crates

COMETH THE HOUR WHERE IS THE MAN : Britain’s shite Churchill tribute act, Boris de coughille Johnson, has sought to get back in the front of the fight against Covid-19 today by changing his personal habits.

“He’s no longer making buses and painting little people on the side,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he’s now making ICU ventilators. He’ll do this in his spare time, which given that he never does any actual work, he should be able to produce dozens of them just this month.”

The news will be reassuring for Britons, who may get the vague impression from the contradictory briefings to select journalists, that the gaslighting tossers that brought you Brexit, via manipulation of just enough of a largely comatose electorate, don’t have a clue what to do about Coronavirus except gaslight it.

“The whole, we’re going to thin the herd strategy favoured by Dom and the Eugenicists (Great band! You should catch them live) has gone down a bit rum. Some are worried it’s sacrificed our position of leadership right at the start of the crisis. We can’t personally think why? I despise Christmas with my parents. And if enough of the oldies drop off the perch then women will have to give up work and return to full time childcare in the home. The crazed religious types will love it. It’s really a win win for several of the more insane sects within the Conservative Party.”

Of course not all of Europe’s leaders are taking an arts and crafts approach to the Covid-19 crisis. Some of them foolishly built sovereign wealth funds, rather than splurging oil cash on tax breaks for the wealthy.

“It really just shows you how frivolous and easily panicked foreigners are. They don’t have the stomach to take it on the chin like the British. You just pay attention, whenever a large enough wedge of the general public take it into their own hands to get in front of the Coronavirus crisis, the government will be right behind to follow their lead and claim leadership.”

The NHS will be taking delivery of the first Johnson made ICU machine just as soon as he’s finished emptying the crate of Pétrus, which at a £1,000 a bottle (retail) makes a Johnson ventilator competitively priced.