Prime Minister that illegally prorogued Parliament “just beside himself” over PPE court ruling

OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to be beside himself today after the High Court ruled that his Health Secretary Matt Hancock acted illegally in concealing details of multi-million pound PPE contracts.

“Seriously, Boris hasn’t laughed this hard all week,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He was in a right state after making an absolute tit of himself attempting to clean a chair yesterday. This ruling cheered him right up. He found the ruling so funny he pretty much astral travelled.”

While some would have expected the High Court ruling against the government and the Health Secretary to have consequences, they are seen by Downing Street as so naive as to be contemptible.

“The court going as far as to say a minister of state acted unlawfully? So? Johnson and Mogg lied to the Queen and illegally prorogued parliament. And they got to carry on being the government! This is just a joke.”

Mr Hancock appears safe to carry on overseeing the deaths of over 120,000 Britons during the pandemic.

“If you think Mr Johnson cares about accountability you have not been paying attention to the entire career of Mr Johnson. He pretty much broke a rib laughing when Priti Patel was forced to resign by Theresa May. What an idiot! He shouted. I would never do that. This is an opportunity to remind the plebs who rules them. I’m going to make Priti Home Secretary when I become PM, just so everyone knows how much respect I have for them.”

What will happen to Mr Hancock as a result of the ruling seems a foregone conclusion then.

“Absolutely nothing. What signal would it send to the rest of the cabinet if Johnson fired someone for something as insignificant as breaking the law? They’d be sleepless nights. People might think twice before acting unlawfully. The entire modus operandi of his government would be up for question.”

But what would a minister have to do in Brexitannia to get fired?

“Take the piss out of his girlfriend? That’s the red line. He can’t stand all the nagging that happens afterwards. It’s hard enough getting into costume for the important work of photo shoots each day as it is.”

BBC to begin filming “A Very British PPE Scandal – Matt Hancock” in 2031

AUNTIE SCHTUM : Where lies thrive democracy dies, the political editors at the national broadcaster know this as well as you and I, which is why they are so keen to cover judgement on the PPE contract scandal, after the High Court slammed Health Secretary Matt Mancock.

Billions have been handed over the course of the pandemic by Matt and friends, sometimes to friends of Matt and friends. Is this any way to govern a representative democracy?

“We won’t stand for it. We’re livid. We have a duty to inform and we’re following through on it,” BBC political editor, Mr Tory Plant, told LCD Views. “Lesser, stupid publications like yourself will just mock the government for its apparent corruption, and six figure salary taxpayer funded so called journalists like me for bias. But you’re wrong.”

So wrong are we that the Beeb is planning to film a searing documentary on what Matt Mancock has done with all those tens of billions of public cash.

“We’re getting right on it. Just as soon as we finish wall to wall, 24/7 coverage of Harry and that American and their outrageous attempts to prevent a repeat of Diana’s story.”

We won’t have long to wait for the state funded broadcaster to cover the corruption at the heart of the cabinet and to demand not just answers, but resignations.

“It’s great to pay the public broadcaster’s journalists and executives salaries matching the commercial world. It buys us right into the status quo and we don’t even realise it!”

‘Matt Mancock – A Very British PPE Scandal’ is due to begin filming in 2031.

“That should be long enough for Johnson and his crowd to have cleared out of Downing Street and off into exile in South America. And once the UN peacekeeping force has successfully re-established peace in England, following the Kent border wars of the late 2020’s, we’ll get right on it.”

Remember when politicians used to resign when they ‘acted unlawfully’? Ha! Suckers! Know your place!

Liz Truss confirms U.K. has applied to join the MTP (Mars Trade Partnership)

TO INANITY AND BEYOND : Hungry Martians need no longer wait for quality British pork and cheese products after Galactic Trade Superhero Liz Truss announced she is going to let them trade with Galactic Britain.

It seems like only yesterday when Liz announced that she was going to allow the Earth based Pacific Trade Partnership accept her application to let them allow us into their club. With the cosmic winds now puffing her sails she’s reaching for the stars.

“Mars is an untapped market for British jams,” an aide to Truss told LCD Views. “It’s not just pork Liz wants to sally forth with, not just cheese in her smile, there’s also our high tech flag industry. Have you ever seen a Martian flag? That’s an untapped market right there that will be worth gazillions.”

And once the U.K. has successfully allowed the Martian Trade Partnership to invite the U.K. to join it’s guaranteed the engorged bloc will grow at rates the failing EU can only look to the heavens and pray for.

“It will take decades, potentially even centuries for the slow moving megalith of Europe to even open negotiations with Mars,” the aide notes. “By the time they begin planning to send an envoy Liz will already have successfully released a press release about a stellar agreement, to be confirmed and renegotiated in short order, with the frozen microbes that exist beneath the sands of the Red Planet.”

But it’s not all smooth sailing. No less a powerhouse than Foreign to Geography Secretary Dominic Raab is thought to be concerned about the overtures by his colleague.

That’s because he thinks the Red Planet is communist because of the ‘Red’, but we’ll just colour it pink on his map and he’ll believe in short order that it’s a far flung part of the British Empire. Give him a few days and he’ll be suggesting a military partnership giving the U.K. full control of the Milky Way.”

Health Secretary Hancock’s claim “entire British population of Mars” has now been vaccinated queried

HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.

The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.

“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”

But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.

“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.

Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.

“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.

The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.

“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”

The swastika is a religious symbol, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

PEACE AND LOVE: Lightweight intellectual Jacob Rees-Mogg wants to reclaim a famous symbol. It is most unjust, he says, that the woke left should wish to cancel our history.

“The swastika is actually a religious symbol,” declared Rees-Mogg in his traditional lofty manner. “It represents one’s well-being and good fortune. It should not be cancelled by do-gooders focussing on a very narrow period in the twentieth century.”

Rees-Mogg is of course correct up to a point, but he naturally cancels the fact that association with the Nazis led to the cancellation of the swastika.

“I am cancelling nothing,” responded Rees-Mogg, with that typically condescending note in his voice. “I know the woke community will go mad at this, but the important point is that OTHER people have reclaimed their words, so religious people want to reclaim their symbolism. Not to permit this amounts to racialism!”

This momentous pronouncement led to much frothing at the mouth among the self-righteous right. Many angry column inches were produced, condemning the idea that anyone should wish to throw a statue of Hitler into the sea, although nothing of the kind had been proposed.

Rees-Mogg proposed that the newly recovered swastika be emblazoned on every place of worship, public building, school, and armband. It would form the background for every government minister’s Zoom calls, superseding the Union Jack.

“It’s a matter of historical accuracy,” said Rees-Mogg, totally patronising now. “It is symbolic of the need for the country to come together and work as one. It represents my struggle, rising from humble beginnings to the modest office I now hold.”

You have to admit, he wears his heart, and indeed his symbolism, on his expensively tailored sleeve.

Rees-Mogg further proposed a new office: The Wokefinder General. Anyone proven to be woke will be forced to wear a Saint George Cross, a symbol of the most famous Englishman of all.

And at a stroke, cancel culture will be cancelled.

Downing Street tight lipped over which minister rushed to A&E with flag pole up bottom

THE DEEPEST PATRIOTISM : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure today to reveal the name of the minister rushed to a central London accident and emergency department early this morning following an incident with a flag.

It’s believed the individual concerned suffered internal injuries, which are not thought to be life threatening, while preparing for a round of media interviews. The injury involved a Union Jack flag and pole.

“We request the media refrain from speculation over the identity of the minister involved and respect their privacy at this time.”

Some details however have been leaked and it is believed the minister “tripped and fell onto their flag pole while holding a block of butter in the shower during vacuuming of the flag so it wasn’t dusty for interviews that will be televised. The MP concerned was engaged in the standard patriotic preparation for media that all MPs are expected to undertake so no one can mistake how deep their patriotism is.”

Injuries involving flag poles in the home are becoming so frequent that 10 Downing Street is expected to set up a special task force to advise on how best to avoid them in the future.

But internal critics of the idea have hit back at the PM’s plans.

A member of the Rectal Research Group, or RRG, said “we didn’t leave the European Union just to bring in more red tape dictating where Tory MPs can insert flag poles. If a patriotic minister wants to physically express their love of Queen and country than that is their god given, time immemorial right as an Englishman to shove their flag wherever they like. Just so long as the butter is British.”

Tories to win the war on “woke” by being even bigger bigots than before

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF AWAKE : Britain’s famous liberal prime minister has a culture war to win or he risks losing the support of the intellectual and cultural heavyweights that comprise the modern day Conservative and Unionist Party.

“We’re the real victims here,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views. “We have pretty much total compliance from commercial media, the BBC is riddled with our plants, we’ve only an 80 seat majority and a Parliament so toothless it keeps extracting its own teeth and handing them to the executive, the official opposition won’t even talk about Brexit as they also bizarrely voted for it, and we really don’t know where to turn for support.”

And support is needed as the party that has been in power now for over a decade needs allies in its culture war, or there’s the risk a statue of a slaver may get pulled down.

“Between you and me though we don’t really want to win the war on woke, just a series of battles over and over. If we don’t have people arguing over intangibles, sufficient to obscure the national landscape, people may start to ask how a party that oversaw one of the world’s worst avoidable pandemic death tolls should get to carry on in power?”

But thankfully they do have a strategy and it’s likely to be a successful one.

“You see what we’ve done to asylum seekers? You see how we’ve been allowed to get away with it? That’s key. We’re going to be even bigger bastards. Even bigger bigots than before. And the confused people of Brexitannia are going to go along with it. There is no one we won’t persecute to stay in power. And with our willingness to pass laws to enforce compliance of thought, you’re all going to love it.”

U.K. won’t publish impact assessment of deal with EU as it can no longer afford the paper to print it on

LORD PENNYWISE WILL SEE YOU NOW : Downing Street has caved today and come clean over the reason for its reluctance to publish the impact assessment on Boris Johnson’s world beating trade deal with the EU. You know it. It got Brexit done.

“Are you insane?” a Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “It’s a horror show. Fishing is stuffed, like so fast, even before we can get away from the scene of the crime. Financial services, our economy’s GOLDEN GOOSE, are going to migrate to the EU and New York until there’s not even an iron pyrite duckling left. Forget farms. Don’t even think about the entertainment industry. Law and order? Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

But while the people responsible on the British side for the negotiating positions that saw the deal birthed like a malformed turd from the devil’s backside maybe confident of making a success of it, not everyone shares their optimism.

“WHY NOT?” the staffer demanded, now trembling on the floor, arms around their knees and rocking.

“We can’t tell the great British people what they voted for as it’s a flaming disaster. Let them find out. If we can keep the pandemic going for the next decade then THEY NEVER NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY!!!! Please. Can I have a pony? I want to ride a pony. By the seashore. Sheesure. NEYYYYYY!”

Eventually though, the truth has to come out, regardless of the madness that caused it.

“We can’t publish the impact assessment. We can’t afford the paper its printed on. We gave all the money to mates of Matt Hancock and Dominic Cummings for non-existent PPE! Seashells by the seashore. SHE SHELLS PPE BY THE SEASHORE.”

We thought it best to leave him to it.

Downing Street leak reveals Boris Johnson’s nickname is “Little Boot”

MAGNUS PUNGIT : THE WESTMINSTER BUBBLE IS IN A SATISFIED FRENZY THIS MORNING after Boris Johnson’s nickname was finally leaked to the press.

“Shortly before 6am this morning an aide walked out of the famous front door at 10 Downing Street carrying a wad of A4 papers under their arm with the top sheet plainly visible for the waiting cameras,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “As the cameras flashed the revealing leak was captured for all to see.”

And it wasn’t hard to determine what the message was.

“Boris Johnson’s nickname with the staff is Little Boot. That’s exactly what it said.”

The nickname itself reveals much about the prime minister’s style of governance and future direction of travel.

“It is especially fitting because yesterday he made one of his favourite horses a senator,” our correspondent continues. “Unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost becoming a full cabinet minister is one of the cherries on the Brexit cake. This is what is meant by take back control.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will continue in this throbbing vein and is shortly to make mentioning a goat in his presence a crime punishable by a beating with an iron stick. He will also be ordering men with thicker hair to shave it off.

“He will also, like his famous namesake, order a bridge built purely to satisfy his ego, regardless of the cost to the poeple, and continue to dress up in outlandish costumes, just because he can. Actually governance appears to be nowhere on the list. But drinking dissolved pearls at his lavish banquets is already happening.”

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Gavin Williamson bans university students from singing “Hitler Has Only Got One Ball”

FREE SPEECH CHAMPIGNON : Britain knows what to censor and when to censor it and no one in Britain knows better than the Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson.

And as the UK moves into the future, post Brexit, it needs to ensure that people have not just the right words to speak, but the right thoughts too. Which is why Mr Williamson is getting tough with those hotbeds of wrong thought, the universities.

“We were able to deal with the issue of freedom of speech in primary schools easily enough,” an aide to the Education Supremo told LCD Views. “The only history you’re free to speak is history that makes the UK look good. This is what freedom to speak is about, it’s the freedom to speak what you’re allowed to. It’s like any other freedom, it has limits. Like a speed limit. Young children will talk properly when they grow up now because they only learn about WW1 and WW2 and they learn it relentlessly. But universities are a trickier customer. Happily Gavin is up to the task.”

And to prove where he is at with those that would undermine the glorious future of post Brexit UK Mr Williamson is getting those scruffy hippy students by the scruff.

“He’s starting off with banning songs that undermine the underlying political philosophy of Brexit. Brexit is inherently fascist. That means fascism is now good. Just look at our pandemic management if you doubt it? See those DNR orders go on all those files. And universities are the next battleground.”

There will be a list of songs that it is okay to sing, but there is one song that is definitely out.

“Hitler Has Only Got One Ball can no longer legally be sung. Because if we’re going to replay the 1930’s thanks to Brexit, as we are determined to, you’ve got to know which side we’re now on.”