Government announces epic Dover door closing ceremony for 29th March 2019

Her  Majesty’s Government has moved to get all the people onside with the announcement of an epic Dover door closing ceremony to be held on the 29th March 2019.

“A giant, animatronic Theresa May will slam closed a monumental, real door in the face of France at the moment the United Kingdom regains complete idiocy next March,” Ceremony organiser Owen Paterson told LCD Views, during a windswept interview on the cliffs of Dover.

“Let me correct that. The moment the UK regains total sovereignty to be bossed about forever more by the three major global power blocs, the USA, China and the tyrannical EU.”

Quite how the French will take the slamming shut of the door is anyone’s guess, but it’s most likely it will trigger an urgent desire to negotiate a bilateral trade deal favourable to Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’ll put the wind right up the cheese eating surrender monkeys,” Mr Paterson affirmed, nodding vigorously, “they don’t like it up them. British diplomacy is the best in the world.”

As to what will happen with the ceremony if there is a change in government before the 29th March 2019, well, contingencies are in place.

“We’ve a spare cardboard cutout Corbyn ready to be wheeled up to the cliff edge and slam the door instead,” Mr Paterson said, “never forget he called for the triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016. For some baffling reason not related to any cursory examination of his parliamentary voting record over decades, some of his supporters believe he is a remainer. It’s pretty funny. I’d be just as happy with him slamming the door shut as I will be with Queen Boudicca 2.0 doing it.”

Perhaps they could slam the door shut together? As they’re agreed that freedom of movement must end, and all that means for the workforce, future aspirations and freedoms of the citizens of Brextannia?

“Good idea. That will unite the country already coming together over the cross party leadership initiative of Brexit. I’ll have Seamus talk to Davis and line it up. We can wheel them up to the cliff edge on a giant trolley together. As long as there’s not a stiff breeze on the day, they shouldn’t be blown over. Slam the door! And slam it shut!”

Dancing robot to appear on Strictly

In a shock announcement, the next series of Strictly Come Dancing will include dancing robots. Appearing alongside C3PO, Kryten, K-9 and Marvin, will be the Maybot 2.0©.

Insiders reveal that the Maybot 2.0© will dance the cha-cha-cha to the tune of Dancing Queen. Strictly judge Yubin Tangoed remarked, “It’s a brave new era for Strictly. The new range of automatons can dance at least as well as the average numpty who once appeared in series two of TOWIE.”

A battalion of programmers is reputedly on standby. The Maybot 2.0© is capable of repetitive, if clichéd, moves. In order to win, something resembling soul and rhythm will need to come to the fore.

“Soul and rhythm do not come naturally to the Maybot 2.0©,” said automaton designer Rob Ottix. “It was a GPS prototype. That’s Genuine Political Speaker, by the way.”

The Maybot 2.0©’s voice sequencer was based upon that utilised for years by Professor Stephen Hawking. It has a female voice equally devoid of nuance and inflection. Earlier models (e.g. the Maybot 1.3©) ran on wheels, like R2D2. One witty designer dubbed it “T2M2”. However walking technology was utilised, with some success. “Even so, the Maybot 2.0© walks like a constipated giraffe,” remarked Ottix.

The breakthrough came after a designers’ party at which they consumed large quantities of soft drinks and played Dungeons And Dragons. “The sugar caused the winners to spontaneously perform a dance,” revealed Ottix. “And we thought, we could programme the Maybot 2.0© to dance! What a night. By 5am the sugar had worn off, but the Maybot 2.0© could dance. Well, sort of.”

“Unfortunately, its movements were still rather jerky and uncoordinated,” Ottix continued. “However, we had set ourselves a deadline because Strictly entries had to be made later that morning. So there was no time to refine the algorithms.”

The Maybot 2.0© believes that it can win. In this case, though, it may truly be that No Dance is better than a Bad Dance.

Macedonia votes to change name to United Kingdom

The “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” (FYROM) has voted in a national referendum to change its name to The United Kingdom.

The vote, held Sunday recorded a turnout of 78%, of whom 83% voted in favour of the surprise change.

The referendum was held with the aim of bringing an end to more than 20 years of uncertainty caused by Greece’s refusal to recognise the name “Macedonia” which it regards as indicating territorial ambitions against its northern province of Macedonia.

A dispute which has prevented Macedonia from progressing with its aims to join both the European union and NATO.

“By adopting the name of a soon to be former member we can slip in through the back door while the “Former United Kingdom A La London” (FUK ALL) gets bounced out of the front door by Junckers and Tusk,” laughed Macedonian Prime Minister Alexander Da Great.

Da Great confirmed that his government had sought and obtained permission from the European Commission for the change.

“They’re well up for it – means they won’t have to change the stationery or the Internet site, while we get all the EU grants and subsidies the idiots over at Brexit have turned their noses up at,” he smirked.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether Macedonia – as unitary state and  former communist republic, had any logical right to call itself a “United kingdom,”, Da Great was unapologetic.

“Anyone who thinks the UK is in any way “United” clearly doesn’t read the news, and it demonstrably hasn’t been a Kingdom since 1952,” he pointed out, adding:

“Unless of course their Queen is really bloke in a dress!”

A spokesman for the European commission confirmed that there would be no barrier to Macedonia joining the EU under the name United Kingdom, but London would need to take steps if it wants to continue a trading relationship with the 28 state union.

“They’ll need to decide on a new name, unless they want to continue to be known by the same name as they’ll be getting from us – “FUK ALL“,” he smirked.

Britain forges ahead as Brexit sees boom in Brits with fake EU27 birth certificates

“Britain is forging ahead with Brexit,” Liz Truss, who landed with the other aliens in V, will tell a rapt Tory Conference hall later today, “and Britons are forging ahead in other areas too.”

At this precise moment we can expect her to pause pregnantly, stare vacantly ahead, letting the tension rise, before cutting it with a brick.

”For too long Britons have turned to other countries to fulfill our need for counterfeit goods, such as fake cheese, replica pork, which is a shame!”

Another pause, full of puppies in a sack all squirming for release. She will inhale, raise a clenched fist and go on,

”Well no more! Only by grasping the opportunities presented by Brexit can this great country produce all its own moody goods at home.”

Yet another dramatic pause. Absence of visible thought to provoke anticipation in her audience.

”Take fake birth certificates? If you don’t have the roughly £750K required to buy yourself a burgundy passport to retain F O M after B R E X I T, then it’ll be perfectly easy to pop down to your local food bank and see Big Harry around the back and arrange for the birth certificate of the country of your choice.”

Apparently with modern, portable, digital printing methods Big Harry will knock you out a Belgium or a German, or heaven forbid, a French birth certificate in seconds for a reasonable fee payable in used bank notes or bitcoin.

”After you have the certificate simply send it to the Home Office and request settled status and one of our award winning enforcement vans will have you on the other side of the channel faster than you can say get some pork on your fork.”

Britain is forging ahead with Brexit and Britons are forging a new future outside of Brexitannia. It’s a boom indiusty of today and tomorrow.

May to begin conference speech with “I’m not a racist, but”

Theresa May is well positioned to trump Boris Johnson’s big speech of yesterday when she begins her second last major addition to British oratory with the well worn classic turn “I’m not a racist, but”.

The penultimate prime minister of the United Kingdom will take the stage later today in front of letters welded to a backdrop that in the words of the designers are “strong enough to survive a nuclear blast, but maybe not the corrosive atmosphere in the conference hall, so she better talk fast.”

It’s rumoured she will also be carrying her own P45, but that is just standard, as every day she wakes up expecting to need it.

”She’s really going to stuff Boris with I’m not a racist, but, it’s the truth of course and it will hit home in the hall. Especially with the young battalion of future Tory MPs there. They’ve learned to say it with their mother’s milk.”

To underline her creditionals she will further explain her new immigration scheme.

”People smuggling. We are going to boost that astronomically as landed born to rule types import their domestic workers illegally after Brexit. Best of all you won’t even have to pay them minimum wage as they’ll be hiding from the Home Office special police all the time.”

In addition to this exciting development the Prime Minister will also promise and extension to the hostile environment policies to embrace anyone not born in a Home county.

”The go home vans are coming back too, well, assuming we can get enough proper British people out of the ration queues with the strength to drive them.”

Opportunity, but. Modern conservatism.

”And given the official opposition has also pledged to leave the single market, the overwhelming majority of voters get to be chorus.”

Now all together Global Britain, this is our government, in one voice say, I’m not a racist, but. 

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke – DWP release chimney sweep work app for kids

Esther McVey blew them away today at the 2018 Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham with the  release of ‘Youth Sweep’, a smart phone based app that will ensure every child has work, no matter how disasterous the post Brexit world is.

Esther agreed to speak only to LCD Views after the release of the app, WHICH WORKS, an honour we felt keenly.

”Do you have any children?” Esther began the interview, “and if so, are they at school or are they adding to the vital output of Brexitannia by working?”

We had to admit they were currently at school.

”I’ll soon see to that. Working with the Chancellor and our colleagues in the department of Education we are going to make state education so expensive, by way of endless parental top ups, that you’ll soon have to choose which child to educate and which to send out to work. Well, if you want to eat in the post Brexit inflation driven food shortage crisis that is.”

Maybe we could educate one and eat the other? Two birds with one stone?

”Oh, have you been talking to Gove? Do you know if he’s backing Boris or Jacob?”

We couldn’t say. We suspect he’s telling everyone he’s backing them. But let’s hear more about this exciting app?

”See chimney? Well, stuff a child up it. That’s my motto.”

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke?

”That’s why we get up in the morning, we modern Conservatives, so completely corrupted by greed and a mixture of American neocon and Russian kleptocrat cash!”

You are certainly making great strides!

”But there is one important restriction on who can download and find work with the Youth Sweep app.”

And that is?

”Any family rich enough to buy their children an EU27 burgundy passport to go with their British blue will not be allowed to take jobs from the poor.”

That’s very kind of you.

”Full child employment and zero education, that’s my motto!”

You certainly have a lot of mottos.

”I do. Now, have you got any Dalmatian puppies?”

How many do you need?

”101 ought to do!”

Download ‘Youth Sweep’ today, get your child prepared for the employment of tomorrow.

UK playing version of Russian Roulette in which the gun has six bullets

Play up! Play up! And play the game! Long game, or game for a laugh? It’s just not cricket.

And where games are being played, gambling is not far behind. Are there long odds on the long game? You bet.

Theresa May is prevaricating about the bush, filibustering the best she can. Playing for time. When the final whistle goes, at 11pm on 29 March, 2019, if neither side emerges victorious, then we go to a shoot-out.

This is the way it will work. On the principle of Russian Roulette, there will be a revolver. This gun will, unusually, contain a full quotient of six bullets instead of the usual single bullet.

The team captains will take it in turns to point the loaded weapon at their temple, and pull the trigger. Last man standing wins.

This much we already know: Theresa May has successfully negotiated for the UK to take the initial shot. Britain First, she insisted.

May is going for the big win. She will shoot, presumably score, and by winning the game, she will lose.

This most pyrrhic of victories will be celebrated back home. Already plans are in place to mark the occasion with a massive festival. In true Brexit fashion, the party will most likely resemble a wake.

This is what being British is all about. Snatching glorious defeat from the jaws of victory, and boasting that it was deliberate, and even heroic. That’s the Dunkirk spirit!

The soundtrack will be provided by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. When two tribes go to war, one is all that two can score. May and Barnier will reprise the Gorbachev and Reagan roles of the 80s nuclear willy-waving years.

The starting pistol has been fired. The UK is still in the blocks, wondering which way to run. Our leaders have put a gun against their own heads.

Government confirms it expects to pay for 2022 Brexit Festival from EU emergency financial aid

“The ECB has already set aside the £120M as part of its emergency financial aid contingency for all things Brexit,” Gavin Williamson, the smallest man in a government of exceptionally small men, told LCD Views, “because they need to give us their money more than we need them.”

Quite why the English Cricket Board has been tasked with securing funding for the Brexit festival in 2022 isn’t clear, but we assume it’s patriotism.

“THEY DIDNAE HAVE A CHOICE!” Williamson explained, calmly, trying on an accent, “I said you give us the funding fanny boy or I’ll go feckin’ Begbie on ya.”

He also has a spider. It’s in a box.

”I also have a spider. It’s too dangerous for me to touch so I KEEP IT IN A BOX.”

That makes him hard.

”It gets me HARD.”

Proper timber.

We took these revelations to the EU to see what they made of them.

”It’s the kind of plucky, self reliance we expect from a Global Britain,” Donald Tusk responded on behalf of the EU27, “but just to be sure we are already setting aside a bail out fund.”

So the EU will pay for the Brexit festival even if the ECB can’t?

”We are going to have our own Brexit festival,” Tusk smiled, “and we’re not waiting for the one hundred year celebration of the partition of the island of Ireland to do it. We’re holding it on the 1st April 2019.”

But why the rush, it’s unseemly, it undermines your negotiating hand at a crucial stage.

”We’ve a lot to celebrate.”

What?

”Finally, all those fascist English Tories and deluded Lexiters stuck in their time warp will have had to f c u k off.”

May to tell Conference we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland

The Basil Fawlty of European politics, Theresa May, is to tell the Conservative Party Conference “we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland” later today.

”It’s an olive branch,” Jeremy Hunt, Foreign Secretary, told LCD Views as he was taking a cold shower following his own respect heavy address to the troops.

”We’ve got to butter them up so they don’t force us to make them pay for not allowing us to use the gym after we cancel our membership.”

It’s believed May will give her speech dressed as a spitfire pilot.

”She’s watched that film, what’s it called? The one about British fighter pilots in the Boer War? She’s watched that a lot. She’s even got the same mask and goggles etc that Tom Hardy wore when he played Bane. Total preparation for the role. But you know what they say, if you prepare to fail you will. We’ve done an awful lot of prep. Pass me the shampoo will you?”

But the choice of outfit has drawn criticisms from an unexpected source.

”Yes I voted for Brexit,” John Cleese told LCD Views, “like many extremely wealthy old white British men living in a California for decades, I know what is best for the Empire. But to dress like a spitfire pilot? And not Basil Fawlty? It will send mixed messsges.”

Quite how one of the kings of mocking the pretensions of British imperial nostalgia has travelled to a place of being a Brexiter is anyone’s guess. It certainly made our office incredibly sad. A hero fallen. But anyway…

”At least Merkel will know who to blame when she looks in the mirror after May’s speech,” Hunt carried on, “we’ve shown the EU nothing but respect during these negotiations. From comparing them to Nazi’s, to Soviet Russia, to threatening not to pay up our agreed financial obligations, the only thing left now is to hammer them into submission with self deluded jingoism.”

Amd we’re going to make a success of it.

Child psychologist advises EU27 to ignore Tory ministers acting out at Con Conference

A world famous child psychologist has advised the EU27 group of countries to ignore Conservative Party ministers acting out at the ongoing professional Con Artists Conference in Birmingham this week.

”They think only their immediate family is looking at them,” Dr Brit People told the EU27, “they’re used to being indulged and getting what they want. To be told no is very hard for them to process after so much spoiling. Thus, they are acting out in an attempt to force their will across the entire family. Give me what I want to shut me up. If you don’t give me what I want I’ll make your life hell. It’s painfully embarrassing. Our entire family is going to have to apologise for a long time. The longer this goes on? The more the spoilt brat is exposed in a broader social sphere? Pretty grisly.”

But isn’t the behaviour also a cry for help?

”You mean because the child has gotten itself stuck after doing something it was told not to do? And is now doubling down in the hope that just getting it to stop will take precedence over the bad behaviour?”

Something like that.

”Sometimes yes. But all children need to feel certain they understand where their boundaries are. This gives security. If the boundary is uncertain a child will behave badly to have the boundary become visible, and thus return to a state of balance. Mother is watching, the tiger hidden in the long grass won’t get me, because mother is watching.”

But what if the child has only ever had a nanny? Say, someone like Jacob Rees-mogg who famously has kept the nanny into adulthood?

”Similar principle. Although there maybe a deeper insecurity to do with who actually gives a shit about me really, formed in the early years, in the case of JRM. The age of that particular child now? I wouldn’t hope for reform. Best to just exclude from school to spare the other big kids further corruption.”

So Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s outburst, in which he likened the EU to the Soviet Union?

”Oh that, that’s just because Jeremy Hunt is a…um…how do you say?”