Vince Cable unnerved by rumour Corbyn will morph into Gandalf and fight Brexit

LCD Views has a deep level spy planted in a coffee shop only half a mile from Libdem HQ and it reports back today that Vince is unnerved over rumours in the Gruniad this week that Corbyn is intending to go Gandalf on Brexit.

“It’s hardly fair, Vince has been a white wizard about Brexit since before the referendum, and now this 7/10 chap expects to put on a grey smock, grab the first big stick he finds in his garden and steal Vince’s thunder!”

We can see why Vince is perturbed.

Although this article is entirely speculative and our chief political analyst actually anticipates the solid Liberal Democrats would go, well, it’s about bloody time! And just satisfy themselves with some gentle reminders they never shifted from pro-EU to some waffle like ‘workers’ Brexit’ in the first place.

“It’s easier for us of course as no one outside of London votes for us, but still, we have been on that damn narrow stone pass the whole time.”

It’s uncertain still if Corbyn is going to go noble wizard and defend every weaker soul in the kingdom against the ravaging giant demon of Brexit, or if Polly just had a brain explosion (understandably) after watching the last PMQ’s?

“He’ll make a fine Gandalf,” Peter Jackson is reported to have chimed in from New Zealand,

“I’ll even cast him as Gandalf in the next Star Wars prequel if he actually pivots against the demon from the black depths that is currently devouring the soul of the United Kingdom and threatening to send Britain tumbling into the abyss.”

Neither Cable nor Corbs were available for comment, but it is nice to find a way to tie their names together in a bit of speculation.

Tory think tank charged with winning over under 35’s rules out “stop lying to U35’s” at first meeting

LCD Views’ Political Fools correspondent has been leaked a memo of the inaugural gathering of the Conservative Party think tank charged with winning under 35 year old voters back from that sneaky old pied piper.

“Stop lying to them? Which bally fool wrote that down?” Bradley Benn apparently called out to the only other under thirty five year old in the room, before crossing it right out.

“Right. Young people are daft. We need gimmicks. You know, shiny beads for the natives sort of stuff.”

The suggestions came thick, very thick and fast then.

“Bit of sleight of hand on stamp duty? Lovely. A rail pass we haven’t worked out how to implement yet that will be useless to anyone with a job and normal working hours? That’s going right in.”

A further suggestion, actually build houses to balance out supply and demand, rather than just talking about building houses, was modified to,

“Let’s talk about building some houses.”

It’s believed longer term this won’t be a problem as most under 35’s will have upped sticks and moved across the channel to stay in the twenty first century.

There was silence in the room till one joker said,

“Tell them to try rebirthing and get better parents this time?”

This was changed to, it’s all my own hard work and you can inherit my connections and wealth if you just find a Norman ancestor too.

Some lark is reported to have suggested, not actually do Brexit, but he was laughed out of the room by a high spirited blonde boy dressed as Rupert Murdoch.

”Means test rights to fertility?” Bang on!

Good luck with it Tories!

I’m sure intentionally stripping away all the liberties enjoyed by EU membership will be a total charm.

Two honest hard working public figures constantly checking Expedia for best “political asylum” deals

LCD Views can report this morning that the spike in Expedia searches for “best location to go into political asylum?” is rumoured to be the result of internet use by two hardworking public officials and their friends.

“It’s not the actions of Russian bots,” LCD’s Sunny Climes analyst advises, “this is definitely the action of real people conducting real searches.”

The analyst can tell this because the searches appear to be conducted at two key moments.

Firstly, when people are usually on the toilet with a smartphone and secondly, any time any media organisation runs a story linking the public figures more closely to a certain high earning, well known character actor from Russia who likes to donate time and energy to the exotic causes he believes in.

“The big problem seems to be each time they search for a hotel somewhere in the Russian Federation the result says rooms are either ‘unavailable’ or ‘fully booked’.”

It’s believed the Ecuadorean embassy was traditionally a good place for such short breaks, only one holidaymaker booked in for a weekend years ago and is yet to check out.

“I hear they’ve also been madly checking out the best priced Russian language lessons and making dozens of profiles on dating sites popular with hot, young blonde Russian women who desire ‘virile, manly, Western man with lots of opportunities who may or may not work on a zero hours contract for the Kremlin.”

Inquiries as to why they are so far unable to reserve a room in Moscow or Sochi or somewhere like that, just met with gales of laughter.

“You keep your useful idiots close, but only an amateur keeps them that close.”

Unicorn appears in man’s allotment to explain workers’ Brexit will also suck

A unicorn has appeared in the allotment of a north London man to explain that a ‘workers’ Brexit’ will also suck.

“I keep turning up,” the unicorn explained to LCD Views’ reality correspondent, “he normally can’t see me, so I stand in his line of sight and say what I’ve got to say, before I go back to my magic realm.”

The unicorn is feeling hopeful though that her words are finally penetrating the barrier between her kingdom of sunny uplands and the allotment in north London.

“I need to correct you there,” the unicorn interjects, “I don’t live in a kingdom. Please don’t print that I do. Unicorns believe in organising society as an anarcho-syndicalist commune, well, not organising as such, but we take it in turns to act as an executive, on a weekly and rotating basis, but all decisions of the executive need to be ratified at daily meetings. We don’t get much done. I’ll stop borrowing heavily now from that wonderful script and get on with it.”

Whatever the complications of the unicorn’s own realm she is determined to intervene in ours.

“People are always chasing us but we’re often close to hand. You never catch us because we’ve seen what some of you do to rhinos, so it’s easy to see why we keep well ahead.”

But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to help?

“Look, let’s cut to the chase. Worker’s Brexit will suck as hard as the other ones because it’s the twenty first century where you exist.

This means you’ll be out on your own and ripped to shreds by the international poachers of disaster capitalism and the other big beasts. USA. China. Russia. And others.

Everyone has been pushed about by you in their history and it’s deep in cultural memory.

Stay where you are and work to improve where you are. It’s a fundamental principle of happiness. People blow relationships all the time because they take their partner for granted and end up alone holding a bucket of poo and having to rebuild.

No point having a worker’s Brexit if no one has any bloody work, because you did Brexit, is there?”

The unicorn asked another question before fading from view,

“The Black Death in your 14th century began the process of giving workers rights because their rulers could no longer control their mobility as completely, because there was too much demand for their services elsewhere.

How will ending freedom of movement across twenty eight countries improve condition for workers?”

Leave voter suddenly recalls ref only advisory after learning Brexit will increase non-white immigration

LCD Views has seen a tweet tonight from a previously staunch Brexit supporter, Brexitius Brexitus, who wants everyone to remember the EU referendum was only advisory.

“eU REF not legal bind,” Brexitus thought to remind the United Kingdom, “hope democratically elected EU parsleymint doesn’t forget it.”

It seems the sudden total recall of a vital facet of the referendum held in 2016 and taken by Britain’s ruling coalition as word of God to decide the country’s fate forever, regardless of mild indications that it’s a bad idea, has been brought about by accidentally reading a newspaper not owned by a tax avoiding offshore billionaire.

“They want too swamp hour roads with there extra people,” Brexitius followed his first reminder, “they want to send postcards from OUR NHS. In…,,,extra change for Dr Fox’s radio shows!!!!?!”

The tweet was not greeted warmly by the account holder’s followers at first, but after a crayon meme was posted that explained how former COLONIES may expect easier visa entry requirements for Britain taking their money, the initial tweet was soon one of the highest trending posts by Brexitius of all time.

“UKIP have convened an emergency meeting,” LCD’s Nationalism ends in murder correspondent commented, “it’s believed this surprise potential of Brexit had not occurred to any of the largely ageing members. So too a majority of Leave supporters in the Conservatives. Nigel Farage is believed to be cutting short a date with a much younger European woman right now to attend.”

It’s believed fear of an extra non-white person gaining access to their town by virtue of a future non-EU free trade deal is potentially an unsolvable problem.

“If the traitor in Downing Street can’t guarantee we will only be kicking people out after 2019 and building British robots to pay for our pensions and wipe our butts in our long sunsets of old age, well, she’s liable to lose a lot of support to remain MPs.”

It’s not certain how much damage this revelation will do to the already waning support for Brexit, but for those that voted out for racist reasons it sure is a pretty pickle, one which their political opponents are liable to enjoy watching them stew in.

Government expert explains words have lost all meaning during BBC interview

A government expert took time out of his busy schedule of working out how to knife everyone around him in the back to explain to a confused country that words no longer have any meaning.

“Words. They’re finished. I can assure you that even now, the words I’m using, they mean nothing,” Mr Gove, Minister for pretending to care about animals and things, told a sympathetic interviewer.

“It used to be in the past that the meaning of words would evolve over time, but the meaning at any one point be somewhat fixed by reference to context.”

No more. Done and dusted it seems. Post fact and all that.

“Just listen to all the word spin I’ve produced this morning to try and get us out of having to actually admit we plan to most likely not protect animals that well, but we don’t want to tell you until after Brexit and use Henry VIII powers to do it.”

But he saved his best line of nonsense to use as ammunition against social media, which has caused him some distress in recent days.

“Social media spreading misinterpretations about the EU is excellent. That’s social media at its best and makes my puppet master very pleased. Some say we actually used social media to spread misinformation expertly in the referendum campaign and pretty much every other waking minute of the day when pursuing policy.”

But it seems if the grape vine is working against Michael’s interests it should probably be cut up and composted.

“Look into my eyes and listen. Words have no meaning. At least, not until I want to lie to you again.”

And you can trust Michael Gove as he’s an expert.

Famous author of fiction under suspicion of violations animal welfare act 2006

LCD Views can report today that a world famous author of fiction is under suspicion for violations of the animal welfare act 2006.

Under the act it is an offence to cause unnecessary suffering to animals.

It’s believed the author, Mr Davis, has locked one thousand chimpanzees in a basement with one thousand typewriters and ordered them to write a work of fiction he accepted a commission of but is yet to write, even though the date for submission has passed.

“The advance he has been paid is eye watering,” LCD’s Political Fiction specialist advises, “millions and millions of pounds and there’s nothing to show for it. The publishing house has staked its reputation, indeed its future, on the publication of ‘The Brexit Impact Assessments’. He has to come up with the goods or they’re stuffed.”

It’s not clear what the plot of the story is, but the premise is believed to be a moral tale of what happens when you let a bunch of useless idiots, acting as fronts for disaster capitalists, run your country.

“I guess we should be a little sympathetic. He took the job on thinking he could just steal other people’s ideas and adapt them and present than as his own, something he is rumoured to have done in the past, then bluster and bully his way around the media circuit until everyone gets fed up and buys a copy of his book to make him go away.”

But it seems he wasn’t able to do that this time, even if, and it’s just if, he has built his career that way so far.

“He’s going to end up in the dock. We all know under the 2006 act you can cause necessary suffering to an animal, but locking them in a room and saying they can’t come out until they’ve written a horror story like ‘Brexit Impact Assessments’, all fifty eight chapters?

No human could do survive that, let alone a monkey with a typewriter.”

EU unfair over 2023 claim people threatening to turn UK into country of EU deportation before 2023

The EU is facing stiff and valid criticism from people across the political spectrum with unbiased opinions after its decision to disallow UK cities to compete to be the EU capital of culture in 2023.

“It just shows how vicious and spiteful the EU really is,” claimed a blowhard knuckle dragger who is allowed a radio talk show because it’s good for ratings and let’s everyone hear the national barometer of hate each day.

“Just because our wise and generous government in Westminster is refusing to say what class of second class citizens EU nationals will be from March 2019, there’s absolutely no reason to disallow good patriotic British cities to compete to be the European capital of culture in 2023.”

A fair rebuke to the unelected technocrats in undemocratic Brussels who will be beholden to every single national parliament in twenty seven different countries and their regions before agreeing whatever trade deal Downing Street plucks out of a hat to satisfy offshore tax haven lovers, while trying its damndest to avoid a meaningful vote in the U.K. parliament.

LCD Views agrees with the angst of the cities that were bidding to gain the crown, but sees them as hostages to a fortune decreed from Downing Street and ill intentioned foreign actors.

“And let me make this absolutely clear, even, even if the UK is pursuing an agenda symbolised by a man full of hate standing in front of a billboard that mirrored Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist, it’s completely unreasonable to not let a U.K. city compete.”

The little matter that our own prime minister is using EU nationals as bargaining chips and is routinely hinting at their deportation wouldn’t have anything to do with the decision either…

Next Doctor Dolittle regeneration to be Michael Gove

Michael Gove is to go on a PR tour de force today, dressed as Doctor Dolittle, to convince the great British public that they can trust the Conservatives with the animals, even though they’re famous for hurting certain animals.

Gove is thought to be the best choice because he’s the most trustworthy man in cabinet.

The push back is a response to the misinterpretation of the government’s actions in parliament when they rejected an amendment to the GREAT REPEAL BILL, no wait, the EU Withdrawal Bill, that would have enshrined recognition of animal sentience in U.K. law, after Brexit.

“Unless we decide to change it with Henry VIII powers after Brexit of course,” a spokesman for the governing coalition at Westminster told LCD Views.

“You can trust us with the animals. Why couldn’t you trust us with the animals? You don’t look like a badger or a fox or a live export or a puppy farmer to me.”

The desire to bring back hunting with dogs and the mountain of dead badgers argue maybe people can’t trust you with the animals?

Although of course, public opinion is split 52%/48% on whether or not science should be listened to when deciding policy.

“Pish. Michael Gove is regenerating as we speak as the next Doctor Dolittle and he will be on the airwaves in his best liquid form, settling over the country all day to make the animals feel secure.”

To further the government’s credibility on this cruelly misunderstood matter Mr Gove will attempt to feed squirrels in St James park at midday. There are also plans to leave him outside Battersea Cats and Dogs home for the night.

“There is absolutely no chance we won’t protect animal sentience after Brexit,” the spokesman added, “even though we rejected that greenies amendment, misspoke about a 2006 act of Parliament to correct the misinterpretation and are now just making promises on future actions. Caroline’s admenmemt didn’t give the animals the protection we want.”

Presumably you want bugger all?

It maybe unfair to mistrust they will protect the animals after Brexit, as there’s bugger all chance of them still being in government.

Owls petition for new collective noun after seeing what’s happening in parliament

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl,16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your houses of commons earlier in the week and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best felt in, their human wisdom, that animals don’t possess sentience.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools?”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of animals awareness of fear and joy, and their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think your acting like lemmings.”