Somehow still prime minister Theresa May is to offer the people a ‘People’s Vote’ on her soon to be negotiated EU deal, versus cancelling Brexit and remaining in the EU.

The shock news comes ahead of the looming Conservative Party Conference, to be held in Stirling this year, and is intended to…

”Stop Boris screwing about with the sign behind her when she speaks this year,” strategic consultant to the PM, Mr Strategy, told LCD Views.

It’s believed the offer to confirm the will of the people prior to the greatest constitutional change to the U.K. since WW2 is being done because at the end of the day democracy is the most important thing. And yes, in spite of what some curious (curious in the sense of being idiots) people seem to believe, offering the people a confirmatory vote is more democracy, not less.

”It’ll also completely blindside the dumb old trots running Labour for a while, who are just playing politics with Brexit,” Mr Strategy said, “unlike ourselves who are just running scared of some homegrown swivelled eyed sociopaths we stupidly stuck blue rosettes on. Oh, and the Russians, we’ve taken far too much of their money. You wouldn’t believe how compromised we are as a party. It’s terrifying.”

Quite what the Labour leadership will make of the offer is not yet certain, but an insider with an ear inside their ruling Council of Ministers gave us the following, off the record, quote,

”A People’s Vote, without ruling out remain, that is not in the prime minister’s gift. That is solely the preserve of Labour and other jams. We’ll sue for intellectual property theft. This completely fcuking blindsides us strategically. It’s not on. We get to stare into the maw of the political gifthorse of Brexit as long as we fcuking well please! We call the shots. The Tories are finished.”

If Labour doesn’t seize the day, or carp and diem, as JRM might say, I wouldn’t be surprised if the savage strategists in the Tory Party, who know how to cling to power (even if it’s only to make people starve), take the gifthorse away.

The steering committee at Labour’s annual conference in Liverpool has confirmed that it has allocated time for a debate as to whether seating arrangements in the main conference hall should be altered prior to any further debate on Brexit.

Committee spokesperson Loretta Beckence confirmed that the committee recognised that the Labour party is a broad church and that members have the right to disagree.

“For that reason we need to ensure that anyone opposing Jeremy’s decision to leave the European Union should only be allowed to sit at the back of the hall, preferably on the floor, bound and gagged,” she explained.

“They need to understand that their ideology of free thought and open debate is dead in the water and being forced down by the giant foot of popular historical Momentum,” she added explaining that those who failed to support the Corbyn leadership’s commitment to free speech and open debate will be purged.

“Like the half-digested Blairite scum that they are,” she added.

Labour’s shadow chancellor John McDonnell confirmed to waiting reporters that neither the debate on seating arrangements nor any debate on Brexit itself would include any discussion on whether or not Brexit should actually go ahead.

“The people have spoken, and to do anything other than implement their will on the positioning of furniture or leaving the EU, would be a betrayal of the democratic process,” he snarled.

McDonnell declined to respond to questions as to whether at the next general election he would be seeking to overturn the will of the people that signally failed to come even close to electing Labour at the last three elections in 2010, 2015 and 2017, and in 2005 elected Labour as a single party government with only 35% of the vote, the lowest vote count recorded by a winning party in a general election.

“As Chinese communist leader Humpty Dumpty so rightly put it ‘When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less’,” he sneered.

Campaigners arguing against Brexit have fought back at accusations that they are trying to overturn the result of the now-infamous referendum. They argue that Brexiters are instead trying to overturn the result of the Battle of Hastings.

“It’s the principle of it,” claims activist Russell Sprout. “As Brexiters are so keen to take us back to a rose-tinted past, how about 1066? The Norman French won, you lost, so get over it!”

Sprout explains that the UK (or its predecessors) has been governed by Europeans for a very long time. “You can’t just ignore almost 1,000 years of history,” he booms. “This country has been ruled by Europeans ever since 1066, and it is ridiculous to pretend otherwise. Conquest means Conquest!”

Brexiter Stan Dalone was not impressed. “The people had a vote!” he gammoned. “We want out, and we want out now. You can’t ignore 17.4 million people. Although you can ignore 16.1 million people, because they are liberal elitist traitors, and we don’t like them!”

“But a thousand years ago, a Frenchman shot an arrow into an Englishman’s eye,” Sprout persisted. “That means that the French won. It’s no good moaning, the result stands and I don’t care if the French cheated. You can’t argue with democracy!”

“Democracy didn’t stop in 1066!” squealed Dalone. “Democracy stopped on 23 June 2016!”

The debate was clearly going nowhere, so LCD Views sought the opinion of analyst Eva Nowt. “The truth is, the real reason for Brexit is nothing to do with democracy,” Nowt said. “It’s all about money. The argument goes, rich people are rich because they are good with money, so you give them more to look after. The poor would only squander it on rubbish like food, so they can’t be trusted with it. Brexit will help to transfer funds from the delinquent poor to the responsible rich.”

And that is, of course, exactly what the Normans did. Roll on feudalism!

The architects of Brexit were the global mega-rich. Its seeds have been coddled in Fleet Street for many years. Its midwife was Nigel Farage. But now its birthplace has been revealed. Brexit emerged, crying and spluttering, into the world in the back room of ‘the club with the twist’, the Möbius Strip Club.

The club’s former owner, Constant D. Klein, resigned instead of throttling the infant at birth, as should have been done. In the pithy words of club regular Manny Fold, Klein “bottled it”.

Möbius strippers are a unique breed. Since they are the same on the inside and the outside, there is no need to remove any clothing. In any case, they are identical up to isomorphism. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

Möbius regulars are used to only seeing one side of an argument, and will swear that the inside of the club is the same as the outside. However, the real mischief went on in the exclusive “4D Lounge”. In that rarefied and esoteric environment, squaring the circle was not only desirable, it was compulsory.

Here, the possible and the impossible do not simply coexist, they are the same thing. Under the influence of strong homeomorphisms, Brexiters discovered that knotty problems like the Irish border exist and don’t exist simultaneously.

The contradictions became plainly projected, claims Fold. “We realised that objects could, apparently, pass through themselves” he said. “It was the answer to everything. Brexit could function continuously and compactly.”

The shadowy figure who provided the powerful transformations, known as “The Doctor in the Hausdorff”, was too busy transforming from a mug to a doughnut and back to talk to us. Homeomorphisms are dangerous in the wrong hands. Just say no, people.

This type of proposition requires rigorous proof. However, the Möbius Strip Group refuses to offer any justification. Instead, the proof is left as an exercise for the reader.