LCD Views

Town halls across the U.K. are faced with an escalating cash crisis completely down to the necessity of constantly re-issuing each Brexit supporting voter’s birth certificate on a daily basis.

”It’s a good thing support for this far right takeover of our country is slowly and steadily waning, well, everywhere but Labour HQ,” register of births, deaths and marriages at Buck-on-Trend told LCD Views, “we’ve already pushed bin collections back to biannual events to save money and we’re in danger of cancelling them altogether.”

It seems the reason for the never ending re-issuing, and corresponding exhaustion of resources, already strained worse than the famous words “strong and stable”, is the requirement to daily update individual Brexit voter’s date of birthday to yesterday.

”They were all born yesterday,” the register shrugged, “even the over 65’s. Every morning when they wake up still believing in the best Brexit deal possible and take back control and jobs first Brexit, and all the other bollocks Brexit politicians say to further their own ideological aims, the Brexit backing voter is reborn anew. Clearly still knowing about as much as a newborn.”

It is hoped the gradual filtering through to the general public at large of the nightmare ahead will swing enough voters against Brexit in the coming weeks and alleviate the budget strain.

”If it doesn’t happen we’re going to have to stop registering births altogether. But that would have the side benefit of easing housing shortages at least.”

Anyone seeking further confirmation of the date of birth of a Brexit voter is asked to just wait patiently and see how quickly they soil themselves when the housing market adjusts itself to the exciting possibilities presented by Brexit in 2019.

In a dramatic setback for British deep political thought, the ERG have announced they have delayed publishing their rival Brexit plan after ‘Step 1 – Invade Poland’ was leaked, but with a glaring typo saying ‘Invade Argentina’.

”We had intended to publish on the 1st September,” Mrs Batshit Crazy MP told LCD Views, “but then some traitor sabotaged us by leaking page one of the plan with the typo. We still intend to Invade Argentina, but that’s not page one of the plan, it’s page two.”

The plan overall though seems pretty much to just replay WW2, but with some role reversal and modifications relating to new tech, and was supposed to be a rival to May’s now widely disregarded Chequer’s Plan.

In this plan the British challenge the EU to a game of chess and then stun Barnier and co by immediately putting themselves in checkmate.

”We all know Ms May’s plan will never fly,” Batshit went on, “unlike our special squadrons of genetically engineered flying monkeys which will rain fear and terror across the tyrannical superstate of the EU until Empress Merkel comes to Whitehall in chains and kneels in submission before Dictator (for life) Jacob.”

Key parts of the plan are known though, along with the invasion of Poland, and they are the eradication of taxation completely and the drawing of blood from poor people. This will be sold on the international black market and the profits used to pay for the new ruling elite and their lifestyles, so they don’t have to.

”Personally I think we should push on regardless,” Batshit added, “once we have control of the air, like Bannon has advised us to do, only America can stop us. And we all know which side Trump is on (wink, wink).”

At least withholding the plan from greater public scrutiny has the advantage of no one at all thinking the ERG are completely off their rockers and devoid of the ability to plan coherently.

This allows them to retain their credibility and continue to drive the U.K. to a position of total dominance of the world’s tax havens, by way of terrifying May into submission until Boris Johnson takes over. Oops. That’s page three.

The two partners, who fell out over a number of trivialities, have been unable to come to any agreement. With neither side willing to compromise, skilled mediators are being drafted in.

The UK wants full access to the EU, but also full access to everyone else. The EU wants the marriage to continue but demands fidelity.

“It’s a clear case of the forty-seven year itch,” remarked Relate counsellor Amy Cable-Relationship. “The spark has gone, and one partner fancies a break because he hasn’t entered a fresh market in years.”

The UK is trying to avoid being kicked out of house and home. It dreads (and is secretly looking forward to) coming home after one last big bender to find its belongings on the lawn and the locks changed.

“It might take a long time to regain what we have now,” observed UK representative Upton O’Goode. “But what we will regain instantly is control over our destiny, and so we can get into bed with whomever we choose!”

“We have put up with, and indulged, the UK for years,” countered EU spokeswoman Delia Nodeal. “And we are prepared to have the UK back if it promises to behave itself most of the time. If what the UK wants is a bit more indulgence, I’m sure we can cope with that!”

“There are no victors in a divorce,” Cable-Relationship concluded. “Just whiners and losers.”

The divorce lawyers do all right, of course. The UK is having a midlife crisis, and the EU is considering making the suggestion that the UK should just buy a sports car instead. A German one, naturally.

Will it all end in tears? Ultimately, the EU will probably shrug its shoulders and let the UK sleep in the spare room and cadge the occasional sandwich.

There it is! The Brexit Dividend! We will still have our BLT.

The metaphorical elephant has grown so huge that it has run out of room. So much so that there is no longer a room big enough to house it.

Elephants are sensitive creatures. This breed thrives on neglect. However this neglect must be balanced. It is essential to tiptoe delicately around both sides of it. If this is not done, it grows in an uncontrolled fashion.

Elephants produce a large amount of waste. It is the job of the pundits who carefully neglect it to tidy up its shit in a euphemistic manner. Unfortunately this has not been done. Instead the pundits have added large quantities of bullshit to the mix.

The RSPCA has been contacted. Although they are studiously ignoring the elephant, they lack the manpower to ignore it properly.

Meanwhile the elephant has outgrown every room on the planet. It is so large that it threatens to disrupt shipping to and from the UK. People who fear the elephant are fleeing the country the best they can.

Instead, the elephant has made its home in Ireland. Day after day it sits there, on the border, its immense size making it very hard to ignore properly.

In Whitehall, there is no consensus about how the correct way to ignore the elephant. Indeed, two years after it was brought into being, arguments still rage over what sort of elephant it is.

“Elephant means elephant,” claims Mrs T May from Maidenhead. “It’s a tautological paradox. Let me be quite clear about that!”

“The elephant is going to decimate the economy,” announces Mr P Hammond of Runnymede. “That is what metaphorical constructs do.”

“Whatever type of elephant it is, it is the wrong type,” says Mr J Rees-Mogg of Somersetshire. “It should be identical to the impossible elephant that exists only in my imagination.”

“What a load of fibblefabble,” states Mr B Johnson, late of Uxbridge. “Here, do you mind if I kip on your sofa and dibble your wife this evening?”

There is one unarguable, tangible benefit. In 20, 50 or even 100 years, the elephant will perish and leave behind a vast quantity of ivory.