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Dumped by his wife, Boris Johnson sets sights on European Commission Presidency

Kicked out of the family home by his wife of 25 years, Boris Johnson is planning a surprise bid to have himself elected President of the European Commission.

A source close to Johnson’s own office confirmed to LCD Views that the recently resigned UK foreign minister has realised that his estranged wife’s decision to go public about his philandering has effectively ended his chances of becoming leader of the conservative party, and hence UK Prime Minister.

Instead he has set his sights on Brussels, and is looking to be elected President of the European Commission  next year, when the five year term of current President Jean Claude Junkers ends, the source explained.

“They’re all French or something so infidelity is pretty much compulsory,” she explained, smiling sweetly and crossing her legs.

“Boris feels that with Theresa May’s Chequers plan dead in the water, and a no deal Brexit, akin to economic suicide – if you can’t beat them, he may just as well jolly well join them,” she said, smoothing a crease in her silk stockings.

“And what better way to keep the UK in the EU than making him president – he’s a man who loves nothing more than being on top,” she winked, pointing out that Boris had happily backed the UK’s EU membership for years before throwing his extreme, but still manly, bulk behind Brexit in the hope of unseating David Cameron as PM.

“And as a twice former mayor of London and former foreign minister he’s not exactly lacking in experience – if you know what I mean,” she added peering librarian like over the top of her glasses and smiling knowingly.

News of Johnson’s volte-face came less than 48 after The EU’s chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier rejected May’s Chequers plan as unworkable, and suggesting that the UK had no option but to crash out of the EU with no trade deal.
And only hours after he was seen crashing out of the family home with no deal, after his wife of 25 years Marina Wheeler invoked article 50, ending his freedom of movement and forcing him to kip down on Michael Gove’s sofa under WTA rules.

Johnson himself was unavailable for comment with his secretary confirming that he would be unavailable Thursday due to prior appointments at French and German “brush up” classes.

“And he has meetings all day tomorrow with executives from Mercedes and Renault – something to do with renting buses with special paint jobs,” she said breathily, batting her eyelids and absent-mindedly fingering the top button on her blouse.  

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Donald Trump lists White House on AirBnB to help fund legal defence

President Donald Trump has underlined in bold his reputation, already in italics, for business acumen today with his tweet announcing he has listed the White House on famed app AirBnB.

”So, so, so many rooms. Just the GRATEST ROOMS,” 45 tweeted early this morning, “All FRSHELY PAINTED in red, white and blue paint. Great prices. To DIE FOR PRICES.”

The motivation for listing the White House is believed to be obvious.

”The President’s credit rating is plummeting faster than his poll rating after he didn’t miss the latest opportunity to trash a veteran,” seasoned White House watcher, Mr Pepper, told LCD Views.

“It’s believed even sanctioned Russian banks may soon decide he’s too big a risk to launder money through and just stick to shoving it all in the London property market.”

This has led to concerns amongst the Trump family about how to pay for what will soon be an avalanche of legal shit breaking across their door stoop.

”In the series of tweets advertising the rooms in the White House for short term rent via AirBnB, Trump explains most of them are empty rooms anyway.”

Just the most boring rooms to sit in. National security meetings. Environmental planning. Economic management.

”They give me the ZZZZ’s,” Trump joshed, “and I don’t mean the ZZ Tops! I fall asleep in these rooms all the time if I don’t get a DIET COKE fast enough. So if I can sleep in them, why can’t everyone?”

If the move is successful there are further plans to place a TRUMP Tower sign across the famous White House and just turn it into a proper hotel in the brand.

AirBnB haven’t commented yet on the listing, although they are understood to be under pressure already by whiny, little snowflakes over Trump’s extensive list of the types of people who will not be allowed to book a room.

”Everyone is making money off me being bored to death in the Oval Office. Why can’t I do it to? It’s the only reason I wanted to get elected! And you never know you’re luck. If you stay in one of MY SPECIAL ROOMS…I may just visit you in the night.”

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Downing Street “furiously baffled” after receipt of new 2020 map of the United Kingdom

The Royal Society of Mapmakers and Astrology was said to be on the receiving end of a furious call from Downing Street today after prime minister Theresa May received advance copies of the new 2020 map of the United Kingdom.

”She rang them personally,” an aide to the embattled, and dumbfounded prime minister told LCD Views, “although the number was engaged so she had to wait until after the wedding to get through.”

It seems the new maps, which are sent to Downing Street for approval prior to being shipped about the globe by tall ship, as is convention dating from the 16th century, display a United Kingdom significantly changed from the current map.

”Of course it’s not the cartographer’s fault,” the aide commented, “they don’t decide the policy of any particular Downing Street resident, they just reflect it,

”They didn’t decide to create a policy environment so toxic, so shorn of economic literacy and competence that first Scotland and then Northern Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and the Greater London Free Republic decided it was better to sail into the unchartered waters of independence than stick about to be ruled by electoral map rigging Tories and tax exiles forever.”

So you are prepared to go on record and absolve the mapmaker of blame?

”I wouldn’t go that far. Privately it’s a shambles that can be laid squarely at the door of David Cameron and the individual stupid enough to succeed him at number 10.”

But publicly?

”That’s obvious,” the aide smiled, “It’s the fault of the remoaners on social media for not getting behind Brexit.”

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Raab rushed to A&E with severe spinchter strain

Britain’s greatest statesman since Alfred the Great, Dominic Raab MP (for alleged vested interests) has reportedly been rushed to A&E after finally reviewing the No Deal Brexit preparations.

”It happened after that bully civil service attack dog Olly Robbins, who basically runs the government now, forced Raab to read the secret civil service files on no deal Brexit preparations while form prefect Theresa was watching.”

It appears reading what lies ahead for the rapidly dis-uniting kingdom under his own government’s incompetence, and pursuit of the demands of high net worth tax dodgers to clear out of the EU before April next year, caused Mr Raab to clench. And clench hard.

And then clench even harder still.

”And he just kept clenching tighter the deeper in he got,” our insider reports, although we are yet to corroborate their account,

“by the time he got to the hilarious idea of floating batteries in the Irish Sea he was in obvious pain,

”It’s bad enough that some schoolboy schooled him on the scuppering of democratic legitimacy because of the criminality in the opinion poll, he should not then have been faced with the deliberate idea of killing off diabetics to ease NHS budget pressures. He almost got a nosebleed before the parliamentary select committee for Executing the U.K. as it was,

”He should have been sent home to recover with his favourite game of kick the can and given the rest of the week off.”

And it seems even if NHS professionals are successful in their presumed plan to jam him full of laxatives and some sort of loosening device, the damage will be done.

”The other boys are already calling him ‘the sphinxter’ now. It’s a nickname I fear will stick and presumably have a Pavlovian impact. It’s likely he’ll never be able to crap himself freely again, which for a Secretary of State for Brexit, that could lead to permanent disability.”

Wait until ATOS get a hold of him.

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HMS Queen Elizabeth refitted as scallop trawler to piss off the French

“Global Britain is not a laughing stock,” a representative of the TPA told the nation this morning, while filling in as primary content provider on BBC Radio 4’s flagship Today programme, during Nigel Fuhrerage’s hate tour of Australia.

“And with the MOD following our disinterested advice to refit HMS Queen Elizabeth as a scallop trawler, just to piss off the French, everyone will know that the grate is permanent in Great Britain.”

The move to hang rigging and nets off the brand, spanking new, state of the art and probably already hacked by the Kremlin, aircraft carrier serves another purpose too.

”It was planned just to sail the HMS Queen Elizabeth around the aisles of white and back, while we wait for the vessel to become obsolete waiting for aircraft, but with the deliberate policy of irritating the French in order to ramp up proper British potatriotism for Brexit, now we’re really going to give readers of the Sun and the Express something to masticate over.”

Quite what the French will do about British military might dredging the last scallop out of traditionally shared fishing grounds is anyone’s guess.

”Well it’s not like they’re going to ask the Germans for help, is it?” the TPA rep scoffed, “Global Britain’s divide and conquer the EU strategy has moved into a new phase now that we have successfully shattered their unity in Brexit negotiations by sending pieces of chipboard over to stare in confusion for years at Barnier and his bits of paper.”

Britannia rules the waves still and with the shattering of the industry agreement the other week regarding fishing grounds, we’re showing just how mighty we now are at waiving the rules of the waves.

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May invites Novichok suspects to lead Brexit negotiations

UK prime minister Theresa May Wednesday issued an open invitation to the two Russian suspects in the Salisbury “Novichok” poisoning case to take over the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union.

“As with the Salisbury poisonings negotiating a successful Brexit is a job which requires both a killer instinct and extreme discretion,” said May speaking to reporters outside 10 Downing street dressed in a fetching navy blue Hazmat suit and contrasting Hermes scarf.

Mrs May added that she had already passed Boris Johnson’s home address to the two Russian fugitives and would be assessing their performance before allowing them to proceed over the head of current Brexit minister Dominic Raab, to Brussels to deal with Messers Barnier and Junkers.

“I’ve instructed Dominic to “duck”, if he doesn’t think that’s his look out,” she added.

The two suspects, who on their last visit to the UK were travelling on passports naming them as “Alexander Petrov” and “Ruslan Boshirov” were unavailable for comment Wednesday having returned to Russia on an Aeroflot flight on March 4th, and disappeared.

Explaining that the Wiltshire Police had issued an Interpol red bulletin for their arrest May suggested that she was certain that the offer of untold riches for delivering a successful Brexit complete with unicorns, would be sufficient to tempt the two fugitives out of hiding.

“We’ve already said what riches the country can expect in return for voting for Brexit, and if successful our negotiators will be guarantees a generous, but as yet “untold”  share,” she said, crossing her fingers behind he back.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether two Russian KGB operatives would be the best people in whom to trust the UK’s future economic relations with the EU, May was adamant.

“My good friend Donald, assures me that Russian government employees are completely trustworthy and were very effective in their management of his successful election campaign,” she smirked.

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Brexit snooker manual withdrawn from sale as every strategy is a foul stroke

A new snooker manual has been withdrawn from sale after serious issues were found with the strategies it advises.

The book, written by the pro-Brexit campaign, has caused some controversy after it transpired that in every situation, the shot it recommends is a foul stroke.

Former world champion Steve Davis had this to say on the book:

“It’ll give you a situation where you’re trying to pot a red, and it’ll always recommend hitting the red onto one of the other colours to pot that instead. Especially the black or the brown.”

This strategy was defended by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who explained:

“Well there’s more reds than any other ball on the table, and they’re only worth one point each, but potting the other balls rack up a lot more points, so you should just use your cue ball to get the majority to knock those non-conformist coloured balls into the holes for you. Simple really.”

Except that all the points from that shot will go to the other side, because that’s how fouls work in snooker.

“Well really,” retorted Mr Rees-Mogg. “That’s not right at all. You should get the points for any balls you pot while you’re at the table regardless of colour. Besides, those coloured balls, you think you’ve got rid of that dirty-looking brown one, but back it comes again, the referee puts it back on a spot. When I play snooker, I see to it that the black and brown are eliminated from the game as quickly as possible.”

He also went on to describe the yellow ball as “shifty”, the pink as “obviously homosexual” and the green as “a total waste of time.”

Steve Davis has since offered to show Mr Rees-Mogg how to play the game properly. There has been no reply as yet.

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EU bombshell as Barnier offers to tear up single market

Chief EU Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier, which translates into English as Michael Barrier, dropped a bombshell today by offering to tear up the EU’s single market rules in one especial circumstance.

”You must understand this offer comes straight from the very top of the EU superstate,” Michael told reporters in Brussels, “Angela has ordered me to allow cherry picking of the EU’s single market after Margaret Thatcher visited her in a dream.”

It appears in the dream, described as a nightmare by many observers, Margaret Thatcher visited Angela Merkel and said if British remainers get behind Brexit on social media and stop talking the U.K. down, it will be okay to destroy any pillar of the single market Brexshittingtremist Tories, or their colleagues, the Lexitshittingtremists, demand.

Clearly the only reason they have so far not done so is not the agreed legal framework by which a multi-national union of countries functions, but the sense that there wasn’t enough faith in Brexit in the U.K.

”As it was the ghost of a British leader telling Angela what to do she has no choice but to follow orders. So I make this offer today. British based service businesses may have full ongoing and unfettered access to the EU single market, regardless of what withdrawal deal we agree, if any, and even if Downing Street under Boris Johnson (come October) refuses to pay the extortionate divorce bill, but first remoaners must be more patriotic and start supporting Brexit on Facebook and Twitter.”

The abrupt capitulation by the EU side is not a surprise, as we are British.

Temporary Prime Minister Theresa Mayhem is yet to respond to the offer, but is believed to have just shrugged when she heard it.

”The EU knows Britain holds all the cards,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “they were always going to fold sooner or later. As British people are more patriotic. We just needed to show it sufficiently on social media and then stand back and watch the EU break its laws, rules, treaties, whatever was necessary,

”The fact they haven’t even begun to stockpile food or turn the autobahn into a lorry park just shows how unprepared they are for a no deal scenario. I would say it would have been far easier for people to have stopped tweeting against Brexit. That was the only thing stopping this being the easiest deal in history.”

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Kevin Spacey admitted to A&E after “Nike burning” incident

Disgraced former House of Cards star Kevin Spacey was last night admitted to A&E near his Santa Monica home following what responders described as a “failed Nike burning incident”.

The 59 year old actor was allowed to return home after treatment for what a hospital spokesman described as a badly burned character and serious smoke damage to what had once been, if not a spotless reputation, certainly a high professional standing.

Spacey himself claimed he did not remember the incident but said that if it did happen it was likely “deeply inappropriate drunken behaviour” for which he offered a sincere apology.

There was no information on the model or condition of the Nike shoes involved in the incident.

Speaking to LCD Views Sid Hudgens, long time editor of Hollywood scandal mag “Hush Hush” commented that it was no secret in tinsel town that Mr Spacey had long lived his life according to the Nike slogan of “Just Do It”.

“You could say that’s where all his problems started,” he said.

Spacey has kept an extremely low public profile since allegations of sexual impropriety led to his sacking from Netflix and the hiring of long forgotten 70s TV star Fozzy Bear to re-shoot his starring role in the Ridley Scott movie  ‘All the Money in the World’.

However following the decision by the Los Angeles district Attorney’s office not to prosecute Spacey for an accusation of a sexual assault dating to 1992, he is believed to have been offering to audition for new roles.

A spokesman for Adidas denied that Spacey had approached the company offering to be the face of a new advertising campaign for the re-launch of its Lawsuit II model of outdoor sports shoe.

“That’s complete bollocks,” he said.
“But if you’d like to go on spreading it so we can continue to issue high profile denials and benefit from the extensive free publicity, we certainly won’t complain,” he added.  

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Deaf, dumb and blind man challenges Michel Barnier to a game of pinball

Who dares wins. A man with a frightening range of disabilities in a frighteningly responsible position has wagered the future of the UK on an arcade game.

The man threw down his white stick, his ear trumpet and the gauntlet. Barnier, well used to the irrational antics of the UK’s Brexit negotiators, waited politely until one of the man’s nurses explained the situation.

“Dommy sure plays a mean pinball,” explained nurse Pat Onthehead. “It’s the only way he can communicate when he is stressed out. He can’t speak because of a traumatic experience in childhood.”

“What was that?” enquired Barnier. “Did the silver spoon fall out of his mouth?”

“Don’t be rude, it’s not funny!” replied Onthehead. “In fact, at an impressionable age, his parents told him that he was not in fact adopted, but that he was an immigrant!”

“And now this same man has been tasked with delivering the most hateful anti-immigrant policy in a generation,” remarked Barnier. “I never did understand the British sense of irony. So, what are you suggesting?”

“Dommy says winner takes all,” Onthehead clarified. “If Dommy wins, you let the UK go, pay the UK to trade with you and accept its overlordship. If you win, the UK remains in the EU for now. But let me warn you, Dommy thinks he is a pinball wizard. So if you win, he will get very angry indeed and probably kick off big time and I won’t be answerable for the consequences. What do you say?”

Barnier sighed. “Another unacceptable red line,” he said. “Now, if you had suggested chess, or even Scrabble…”

“Best of three, then?” pleaded Onthehead, as Barnier gathered up his documents and prepared to depart. “Poor Dommy came all this way for a game… M. Barnier? M. Barnier?…”

A deaf, dumb and blind Brexit? It’s the only deal on the table.