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Deaf, dumb and blind man challenges Michel Barnier to a game of pinball

Who dares wins. A man with a frightening range of disabilities in a frighteningly responsible position has wagered the future of the UK on an arcade game.

The man threw down his white stick, his ear trumpet and the gauntlet. Barnier, well used to the irrational antics of the UK’s Brexit negotiators, waited politely until one of the man’s nurses explained the situation.

“Dommy sure plays a mean pinball,” explained nurse Pat Onthehead. “It’s the only way he can communicate when he is stressed out. He can’t speak because of a traumatic experience in childhood.”

“What was that?” enquired Barnier. “Did the silver spoon fall out of his mouth?”

“Don’t be rude, it’s not funny!” replied Onthehead. “In fact, at an impressionable age, his parents told him that he was not in fact adopted, but that he was an immigrant!”

“And now this same man has been tasked with delivering the most hateful anti-immigrant policy in a generation,” remarked Barnier. “I never did understand the British sense of irony. So, what are you suggesting?”

“Dommy says winner takes all,” Onthehead clarified. “If Dommy wins, you let the UK go, pay the UK to trade with you and accept its overlordship. If you win, the UK remains in the EU for now. But let me warn you, Dommy thinks he is a pinball wizard. So if you win, he will get very angry indeed and probably kick off big time and I won’t be answerable for the consequences. What do you say?”

Barnier sighed. “Another unacceptable red line,” he said. “Now, if you had suggested chess, or even Scrabble…”

“Best of three, then?” pleaded Onthehead, as Barnier gathered up his documents and prepared to depart. “Poor Dommy came all this way for a game… M. Barnier? M. Barnier?…”

A deaf, dumb and blind Brexit? It’s the only deal on the table.

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Khan to take over from Raab as Brexit talks reach final stage

Great news for people worried about the complete and total slaughter of manufacturing and service sectors in the U.K. as a result of Brexit today with the announcement that Star Trek character Khan Noonien Singh is to take over from Raab as Brexit talks reach the final stage.

”It’s clear now Dominic isn’t up to the job,” retired intellectual David Davis MP told LCD Views, “this is personally a surprise. I carefully laid a negotiating strategy based on sound military principles, learned during my time as a winter soldier, and had the EU pretty much beat when I graciously stepped down to allow a rookie the glory. But it’s all gone a bit Pete Tong since, to everyone’s surprise.”

To rectify the calamity that has only begun since General Davis moved to the side, a fictional science fiction super villain is believed the right measure.

”With Khan’s superior genetics and can do attitude, we’ll soon see the terrified fear back in Admiral Barnier’s eyes. You know, like the way he used to look at me when I once or twice turned up in Brussels and challenged him to get shit faced and a lap dance and agree Brexit over a handshake like proper old boys.”

Once Khan has successfully outmanoeuvred Barnier it’ll be easy for the mighty British fleet to capture the Genesis device.

”Khan will then take the Genesis device to the north east of England and trigger it in an abandoned auto manufacturing plant. This will lead to a dramatic rebirth and increase in both the size the British empire and traditional industries of tomorrow like coal mining and naan bread exports.”

Asked for comment on the appointment of Khan the EU delegation seemed non-plussed and said they would hold a special screening of all seven seasons of the ‘Love Boat’ to make him feel at home, while simultaneously inviting the relocation of the UK’s financial services sector to Frankfurt.

”Live long and prosper,” Barnier added, before smirking and asking, “make it so.”

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Autumn general election certain after selfless Tory statesman photographed with combed hair

The United Kingdom seems set for a winner takes all autumn general election today after a selfless Tory statesman was photographed with combed hair.

”It’s deeply questionable whether or not the U.K. would benefit from a general election right now,” Professor Know One, reader of politics at Thames Airport Estuary University, told us.

We interviewed Know One while waiting for the big, blue ribbon to be cut to open the new Garden Bridge in Central London, brainchild of the statesman who’s found a comb.

“Theresa May has steered a steady course since being elected on a strong and stable platform last year,” the professor went on, “with the successful Brexit negotiations looking likely to produce a slam dunk for the highly professional British negotiators, who have singlejandedly proven that being British is enough to overpower the current global power blocs, it wouldn’t do to put the wind further up the EU now by having a general election. We’ve already rattled them enough.”

But with the flattening of the bird’s nest it seems Boris Johnson is signaling that he’s ready to build on his career best as foreign secretary by relieving Theresa May of the burden of guiding the United Kingdom into the sunny uplands, which incidentally can only be reached by bus.

”It could be Ms May has privately intimated to Mr Johnson that she is ready to hand over the premiership, now the hard work is done, and let him guide the country into the future he has so obviously so carefully planned. Either that or Bannon has threatened to hire some Russian mafia hitmen?”

Whatever the underlying reason, with the official opposition now reconfigured and set to deselect pretty much all its MPs with cross party appeal, the general election is certain to be keenly fought.

”Comb makers are going to cash in, that’s for certain,” Professor Know One added, “they and dodgy, dark money hedge funds will be laughing all the way to the bank.”

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Berlin breathes again as Bono silenced

The German capital of Berlin breathed a collective sigh of relief Saturday as  Irish mega bores U2 were forced to halt their performance in the city’s Olympic Stadium after lead singer Bongo allegedly lost his voice.

In a statement issued after the band left the stage U2 apologised for the cancellation which they blamed on a dodgy pint of lager and a Currywurst the be-stetsoned Bongo had consumed prior to the gig, which had stripped him of the ability to wail at high volume.

The stupidly rich band  promised they’d be back to complete their set just as soon as their accountants had managed to write of the extra expense as a tax loss, via whatever tiny former UK island colony they’re channelling their earnings through this week.

However spectators at the stadium built for the 1936 “Nazi” Olympics, were quick question whether the band’s disappearance from the stage might have been down to Bongo taking umbrage at the less than enthusiastic response of the German crowd.

“He’d just launched into the chorus of ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ when someone at the front yelled out ‘Well why don’t you f*ck off somewhere else and look for it then’,” explained rock fan Irmin Schmidt, who had been seated two rows from the front.

As those around started sniggering uncontrollably, Bongo suddenly stopped singing, consulted with one of the crew, and then marched offstage followed by the rest of the group, explained Schmidt.

Adding that whoever it was Bongo spoke to was wearing a rather dull grey suit and carrying calculator.

“He looked more like a financial consultant than a roadie,” he added.

A spokesman for U2’s record label, Island Sunday denied reports that the band were now working on a cover version of 4′33″  by experimental American composer John Cage.

The original score for the piece instructs musicians to do precisely nothing for the allotted four minutes thirty-three seconds., with the “music” being provided solely by ambient background noise.

However commenting on the reports Elliot Trailer-Parks, editor in exile of bankrupt former music paper Melody Maker suggested that a shift from the traditional rock genre into experimental classical music could be just the thing to boost U2’s global appeal.

“Successfully extending the Cage piece over an entire album, or concert, would enable them to reach an entire new audience who’d currently rather gnaw their own legs off than listen to a single U2 song,” he mused.

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Earth under threat from space squirrels

Experts from NASA have warned of an invasion from outer space. An intergalactic scurry of space squirrels is approaching the Earth because they have heard that the planet is being run by nuts.

The British space programme has already dismissed the threat. Stargazer Ursula Major explains. “The programme is staffed by gifted amateurs like myself,” she said. “I haven’t spotted any alien spacecraft recently, although admittedly my telescope is in need of an upgrade.”

The instrument, a cardboard tube with a couple of lenses sellotaped on, did look a little shabby. “I was hoping some of the £92m being spent on replacing Galileo could go towards a new one,” she said regretfully. “But I understand that about three quarters of that is being spent on consultancy, a few hundred on a study run by a couple of astrophysics students during reading week, and the rest on lunch.”

She was not impressed by the consultants, either. “They are a bunch of well-connected gobshites whose conclusion will be, a space programme is hardly rocket science,” she said bitterly.

Meanwhile, the squirrels are fast approaching. The nuts in charge have no idea what to do. Paralysed with indecision, NASA have their backs against the walnut.

Donald Trump is believed to be a major target for the squirrels. He has shot his bolt, leaving the nut behind.

In the UK, Tony Blair has entered the fray again. Old Wingnut, still fighting to regain some semblance of credibility, has suggested that, as a planet, we gather up all the nuts left over from Christmas as a peace offering, and try to do a deal with the squirrels. Theresa May has already insisted on no deal. We are left to wonder which one is taking the pistachio.

The problem is proving a tough nut to crack. We can only assume that the squirrels have come to divide and conker.

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“I will not betray the people who bought our democracy” May rules put people’s vote on Brexit deal

“There will be no second referendum as it will be a gross betrayal of the people who bought our democracy,” Prime Minister Theresa May writes in the papers this Sunday, putting to bed once and for all any thoughts of allowing the rabble to vote against food rationing.

“I am strong and stable,” she adds, as if anyone was in any doubt, “so long as I can stay away from hill walking for the next few weeks there will be no vote allowed on medicine stockpiling, particularly not by diabetics.”

The reassurances were timely, as certain unpotatriotic elements within the U.K. have been suggesting that perhaps the people should be allowed to reconsider, now the ramifications of the corrupted opinion poll held one day in 2016 are better known.

”The people voted to create the conditions to restart the troubles in Northern Ireland,” Ms May added, “fully aware that a militarised border may have to be put back in place. This is not a problem. My boss Jacob Rees-mogg has already blithely stated the solution to that is simply inspecting the subject peoples of Ireland to body cavity searches at the border. What could be simpler?”

The words of the last prime minister the United Kingdom will ever have will go far this morning to disabuse anyone believing a country can change course.

”Just think of the millions pumped into Arron Banks’ bank account on the Isle of Mann before the EU ref campaigns. The dodgy diamond mines. The mass targeting of individual voters on social media with racist attitudes in the days prior to the vote? Are all these expenses to have been for nothing? Would you betray the kleptonationalist forces who have bought our country, in order to asset strip it and destabilise the western democratic model?”

Ms May went on to add that she didn’t bung the DUP over a billion squid not to get our money’s worth out of the deal for her own vainglorious satisfaction of clinging onto power.

So that settles that.

Asked how they respond to the end of democracy and the signing of the economic and civil death warrant of the U.K. by a hard right coup, Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer replied,

“that will depend on what we decide is in the best short term electoral interest of the Labour Party in particular constituencies. We’re no longer in the business of upsetting racists and hard right neocons just to defend principles. We’re sure we can work with HMG.”

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EU blamed for derailing Brexit by reliance on rules and attention to detail

Brexiters have accused the EU of being deliberately obstructive over Brexit. How dare they follow rules, rules that the UK helped draft, don’t forget.

Also included on the charge sheet is attention to detail. Pesky little inconveniences, such as facts, are getting in the way of the UK’s grand vision.

LCD Views sought the opinion of vocal Leaver Francis Onligudfa-Hollidays. “The EU is deliberately blocking Brexit,” he stated. “It’s quite simple, we want out, we voted to leave, but they won’t let us. Because of so-called ‘rules’. The EU only exists because we Brits wrote those rules for them. Now we want to take back control of our laws!”

Onligudfa-Hollidays paused to consult the list of stock phrases that Brexit Central had conveniently given to him. “The undemocratic EU needs to recognise British democracy,” he blurted at last. “Their attention to detail is unnecessary, everyone knows the Devil is in the detail, we are trying to get the Devil out of the UK. Why should we accept lectures about procedure from unelected Brussels bureaucrats? God, I hate the French!”

While Mr Onligudfa-Hollidays continued to gibber and froth at the mouth, LCD Views consulted pro-EU commentator Francis R Brother. “Rules are our friends,” he claimed. “They help the childish mind to think upon the right lines. Rule, Britannia!”

“Britannia waives the rules!” spluttered Onligudfa-Hollidays. “Britons never, never, never shall be taken for fools!”

“Unfortunately, that’s just the problem,” explained Brother. “Enough of the people have been fooled enough of the time to believe that Brexit is a walk in the park, a piece of cake. A cake-walk, if you will. The UK has relied on pure chutzpah, if that’s not too anti-semitic, and the non-existent charisma of the likes of Dominic Raab.”

Cake-walk, or sleep-walk? The UK needs to hit its stride properly before the EU tells it to take a hike.

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Condemned man demands to be hanged despite new evidence

Sentenced to hang for a crime you didn’t commit?

You’d be forgiven for jumping at any chance of a reprieve, especially if new evidence appears which completely exonerates you of guilt.

That though is just the response that death-row convict Tommy Atkins, HASN’T shown since a new forensic report has emerged proving conclusively that he isn’t, A TRAITOR.

Atkins was last year convicted of treason, based on charges that he had consorted with foreign powers, namely the self styled “European Union”, to undermine the sovereign authority of the UK parliament and inflict irreparable damage on the UK economy, a crime which carries the ultimate penalty.

It was an open and shut case. Prosecuting barrister Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg STFU, UHOA and bar, produced witness after witness who could testify to the guilt of the defendant.

Most damning was evidence from a Mr B Johnson of Westminster who pointed out that:

“NAPOLEON and HITLER tried to conquer Europe and the EU is doing the same just using different methods. And that TRAITOR ATKINS is helping them.”

Tearful observers noted that the black cap was donned, and pencil broken there and then.

But now, new evidence contained in whole shelf of secret reports prepared by political scientists and economic experts proves, beyond all reasonable doubt, that membership of this union, neither undermines government sovereignty, nor inflicts damage onthe economy.

Indeed, they show quite the opposite, that the government has always held the right of veto over all EU legislation, and the United Kingdom economy benefits from this membership to a quite staggering degree.

Far from committing treason, the report shows, Atkins, was in fact demonstrating his patriotism.

Atkins himself however, has remained unmoved by evidence that should save him from the gallows.

“The jury has delivered its verdict, the rope has been bought and the trap door oiled – the warders deserve their paid overtime and a lifetime of regret,” he adds explaining that he understands perfectly the feelings of the man in the street who cares little for justice, and just wants to see full value for his tax money.

“That thought will be of great comfort as I slowly strangle to death under my own weight having lost control of my bladder and bowels,” he smiles.

Commenting on the  new evidence, the presiding judge, Lord Michael “string-em-up” Gove was equally unmoved.

“Frankly I think everyone has had quite enough of experts,” he said, ordering a second bottle of Chablis to go with the most agreeable salmon he had just been served in the dining room of his club.

“It may take as long as 50 years for Tommy Atkins to feel the benefit of cruel British injustice, but when he does he will realise it has all been worthwhile,” he smirked, slurping unceremoniously on his tankard of Grand Cru..

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Nigel Farage runs from London Mayor

Making plans for Nigel? Ecstacy. The oxymoronic bigmouth has vowed to bravely run away.

Sitting on the fence in a shy, retiring way, as opposed to his normal bluster, Farage was initially coy about whether to stand or scarper. “Certain people have encouraged me to get lost,” he admitted. “But I haven’t made my mind up yet. I still have a cushy number on LBC and seven months of drawing my salary as an MEP.”

But the man who campaigned so hard to ensure he lost his job is demonstrating that unique talent again. He is now poised to flunk the opportunity to become London’s Mayor in triumph. What persuaded him to get off the fence? “Splinters in the bum,” he revealed.

“Who wants to be London Mayor, anyway?” he spouted. “The post attracts idiots, chancers, and Sadiq Khan. The Inflatable Mayor! Can you believe, he is allowing them to fly a satirical balloon mocking him? Like they did with my old mate Donald Trump, whom incidentally I’ve never met? He’s let himself down!”

Nigel is reliably full of hot air. Puffed up with his own importance, he blew his audience away breezily. “Gone with the wind, that’s my motto,” he insisted. “I’m thinking of becoming UKIP leader again, just so I can resign in protest.”

His face was a picture. One that nobody wanted to buy.

Farage insisted that he could never win the all-important backing of the People of the Metropolis. “London is far too multicultural these days,” he protested. “Multicultural people elect a multicultural Mayor. London is at Breaking Point. You can see what chaos ensues when you allow People in from all over the world and give them a Great British vote. A normal, typical, entitled, middle-aged white bloke doesn’t stand a chance these days, so I’m doing a runner for the good of the capital!”

Exit Mr Brexit. Stage right. Pursued by a bear, with any luck.

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Overpriced novelty dartboard fails to sell at auction

A novelty dartboard has failed to sell at auction in spite of featuring the portrait of one of the 21st century’s best known caricatures of a human.

Bidding for the board was expected to be intense, especially amongst collectors of memorabilia from 1930’s and 1940’s Germany.

”We figured internet bidding would have been very extreme,” an auction house representative told LCD Views, “like far, far right out there. But it seems the expected collectors didn’t turn up on the day, presumably because even they had better things to do than throw money at the novelty dartboard. Like donating to the defence funds of convicted fraudsters.”

Further perplexing the sellers was the fact that no one wanted to buy the dartboard for the express purpose of throwing darts at the smug, self-deluding, hate peddling little Kremlin stooge featured.

”It seems no one even wants the image in their house,” the rep shrugged, “probably worried about what people would think if they inadvertently saw it on your wall? What would it say about a person and their judgement? Especially if it was mistaken for a serious portrait? That could potentially be very embarrassing.”

What will happen to the novelty dartboard now is anyone’s guess, although we did suggest just giving the dartboard to the individual featured?

“No. That’s no good. He can’t stand to look at himself.”

Then donate it to a good cause?

”It definitely couldn’t be donated to a good cause. There are no good causes associated with the individual pictured in the portrait. None whatsoever.”