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Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is a fine British tradition, says Brexiter

Brexit is the Best For Britain! is the cry. Moreover, it fits neatly into an ancient British tradition.

“There are many defining characteristics of the British,” said Brexit lover Al Bymyself. “Self-deprecation. Excessive modesty. Bad puns. And snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is the cherry-picking on the cake!”

The cake that you both have and eat, no doubt.

“A paradox! Yes, we love those,” agreed Bymyself. “Taking over two years to secure the easiest deal in history! Frictionless trade means converting motorways into lorry parks! Untold riches from an Adequate Brexit.”

Bymyself’s conviction wasn’t exactly overwhelming. Nor, to be honest, was it whelming either.

“It’s a question of playing your cards right,” he repled. “Shuffle, deal. Or no deal. No deal is a good deal better than a bad deal. Deal with it!”

But, surely, the EU holds the better cards? Our wildcard, Boris the Joker, didn’t win any tricks.

“We have an ace up our sleeve!” Bymyself persisted. “If the EU refuses to fold, we whistle up the Special Relationship and Trump them.”

I can’t help thinking about the fact that last time the UK begged the USA for help, it was to achieve the pyrrhic victory that was World War 2.

“And look where that got us!” he replied doggedly. “We need a defeat. The British people love a plucky loser. This country used to be the dog’s bollocks. Now it’s a dog’s breakfast. We’ve gone from top dog to underdog. It’s barking. Mad dogs and Englishmen, as they say.”

So there it is. Years of dodgy refereeing decisions, losing on penalties, middle order collapses. We’re used to it, it’s comfortable and familiar, it’s part of the Great British Psyche. Handshakes all round, jolly good show, old boy. Let’s have a nice cup of tea.

Our insecurity makes us feel secure. This is Brexit.

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Theresa May signs historic trade deal with Nambia

Theresa May’s negotiations with African nations have at last borne fruit with the announcement of one new trade deal.

Standing outside Number Ten, Mrs May held aloft a piece of paper announcing a major new trade deal with Nambia.

“The people of Nambia have welcomed the trade agreement with the UK,” she said. “For centuries they have been an isolated people, without any trade deals with any other country in the world. Now that has changed, and they can sell their resources to us for a pittance, while we can rob them blind. It’ll be just like the Empire days all over again.”

Nambia is rumoured to be the world’s chief producer of covfefe. When asked about this, Mrs May confirmed:

“Covfefe was top of the agenda from the start. It was vital that the UK secured the sole rights to this product so we can corner the market as the seller of Nambian covfefe. I had a cup down there and believe me, Nambia make the best covfefe in the world.”

Critics have struggled to locate Nambia on the map, but Mrs May was quick to brush them aside.

“This is the first of many lucrative trade deals with African nations,” she said. “We have initiated talks with Buranda already, which we expect to produce another valuable agreement, and I know that the people of Zimbala are just dying for a trade deal with us – literally, as they have only just regained their democracy after the death of the dictator who ruled them for decades. Ideally we would have preferred dealing with him, but timing is everything. We’re looking to start negotiations with them just as soon as Boris is safely away from the negotiating table. I know he’s no longer foreign secretary but I still don’t trust him not to put his foot in it.”

As for the possibility of trade deals in Europe, Mrs May was optimistic about the possibility of one European deal, with Ruritania, if King Rudolph sobers up enough. And if he can’t, then there’s always his English double to stand in for him.

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Think tank representative tells dinosaurs to relax about incoming comet

A prominent think tank representative has used a time travel device to tell dinosaurs concerned about the mass extinction of their livelihoods thanks to an incoming giant comet to relax.

”You need to focus on the upsides,” Theresa May told a Tyrannosaurus Rex, while visiting Gondwanaland to promote trade between her finanical backers and the soon to be wiped out carnivores.

”As I understand it, in spite of many of your current species still at the forefront of evolutionary success, the primeval Earth overwhelmingly voted for a mass extinction event by virtue of its trajectory in the solar system coinciding with a great big comet smashing into the Gulf of Mexico. With vim, vigour and sheer bloody luck some of you will survive this event and millions of years from now have evolved into something important again.”

Ms May, will known for her work on the modern planet for furthering the interests of shadowy think tanks with aims not always too transparent, while listening to their press releases in the form of BBC news bulletins, had more than just reassurance on offer during her visit.

She was also carrying a suitcase full of munitions for any dinosaur that wished to better arm itself for peacekeeping purposes in the minor calamity that might follow the comet crashing into the planet.

”Just like Brexit, this comet’s impact is completely unavoidable, unless you’ve had the forethought to move significant assets offshore and position yourself to profit off the instability to come.”

With that she stepped back into the time machine, but was seen to hesitate before choosing a new destination and time.

”The 1950’s UK or 2019 and the Caymans?” a watching stegosaurus reported, “she seemed to be attempting to navigate to both.”

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Germany to repossess Royal Family after Brexit

The consequences of an ever-impending Brexit are still being discovered at a shocking rate, but the latest revelation is perhaps the most controversial yet – the royal family are to be repossessed by Germany.

The Queen and her relatives are historically German, and have been ever since the house of Hanover ascended to the British throne in 1714. But now they are facing extradition to their fatherland, in a move that has divided the country like nothing before – well, apart from Brexit of course.

In a prepared statement released to the media this morning, German chancellor Angela Merkel explained:

“The British Royal Family are a historically German institution and will therefore be reclaimed by their fatherland. We shall not be requiring them to actually rule the country, so we shall simply retain them as attractions for the tourist trade.”

The loss to the British tourist trade has been calculated at £350 million a week.

Of all the consequences of Brexit, though, this is the most divisive. Staunch leave voter Roy Allist commented:

“It’s disgraceful, they’re our royal family, not Germany’s, they have no right to just take them, we voted to get our sovereignty back, and now they’re taking that away from us! I think we should declare war over this!”

Meanwhile remain advocate Ree Publey-Cann said:

“At last, one useful thing is coming from Brexit – the royal family undermine the very concept of democracy. We’ll finally be rid of them!”

Most interestingly, the division of opinion does not have any specific correlation with the Brexit vote. There are people on both sides wanting to keep the royals, and also people from either camp happy to lose them.

Theresa May has been unavailable for comment on the matter, although she was reported as rubbing her hands in anticipation at the thought of being in power without a monarch to answer to. What actions she might or, more likely, might not take to prevent this are a matter for speculation at this point.

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Downing Street refuses to confirm its refusal to confirm, its confirmation of a refusal

Ten Downing Street Wednesday refused to confirm whether it had refused to confirm something which may or may not have been a confirmation of a refusal to confirm anything.

Speaking to LCD Views, a spokesman, or possibly spokeswoman confirmed only that he – or indeed she – was speaking to LCD Views and declined to confirm any of the details of the conversation that may or may not have occurred.

“And by “may”, I am of course not referring to the prime minister, but of course you “may not” quote me on that,” he confirmed, or possibly she refused to confirm. Probably.

Refusing to confirm whether or not he or she was commenting on recent reports that the government is refusing to confirm whether it will allow MPs to see a full economic analysis of the impact of a “No Deal Brexit”, they, that is the non gender specific spokesperson, commented only that this was an issue on which they were unable to comment.

Despite of course having, by definition, already commented by refusing to confirm whether they were indeed commenting. Or not.

This veritable Olympic standard example of denial and obfuscation took place in the wake of a warning by UK chancellor Albert Hammond, that not only does in never rain in Southern California, but also that Brexit is a jolly bad idea which is really going to screw things up big style for rather a lot of people, and some, and we’d all be far better off forgetting the whole thing.

An issue on which the spokesperson was considerably more forthcoming.

“Fer fuck’s sake, if the analysis was even remotely positive The Prime Minister would be personally plastering the best bits across buses and driving round with sirens blazing, instead of dancing round Africa a like a demented teenager on her first half of cider,” they said reaching for their passport and air ticket and zipping up a small holdall containing large wads of 500 euro notes.

“Why do you think Nigel Farage has applied for German citizenship and half the Tory Grandees have buggered off to live in France – they aren’t stupid, ” they added.

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New study of Bayeux Tapestry reveals King Harold’s last words

A new study of the Bayeux Tapestry by DExEU has revealed King Harold Godwinsome and Godlosesome’s last words.

Harold is famous for becoming king after the untimely death of Edward Couldntkeepasecret in 1066, telling the French to get stuffed, as they also wanted to be king after Edward, every last one of them, even the girls.

Due to this deadlock in cross channel opinion there was a bit of a scuffle relating to who was going to be king and Harold was killed.

Predominantly, historians agree, because his people didn’t believe in him being king enough.

The fresh look at this most famous of English wall carpets was undertaken by the DExEU department following an order direct from Downing Street.

”Theresa just knew that in the iconic moments of British history, which stretches back into the dawn of time, there would be numerous examples of events viewed as world ending at the time, but later revealed more truthfully to be not the end of the world after all, especially if you had the sense to belong to the right group of vested interests,

”Kind of like now with Brexit and neocon, autocratic asset strippers pushing it, who see the nation state as a thief of the wealth they inherited through their own hard work via taxation to pay for public assets they enjoy but shouldn’t have to pay for, as the public shouldn’t have any assets.”

It’s believed the discovery of Harold’s last words, stitched into the fabric nearly one thousand years ago, but surprisingly overlooked until recently, will bolster Ms May has she attempts to sell the economic vassalage of the once Great United Kingdom of Britain to its people.

”We’ve got as much chance of getting a good deal with Brussels as Harold did with William the Bastard,”  the Downing Street spokesman told us, “and yes, with our intention to end the world of U.K. car manufacturing as we know it, we’ll also be recreating the harrying of the north post Brexit.”

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Raab confirms Satnav won’t work after hard Brexit

Brexit minister Dominic Raab Monday confirmed that UK satnav systems will stop working after a “Hard Brexit”, unless the government manages to negotiate a special dispensation to continue using the European Galileo satellite navigation system.

“We paid over €1 billion as our share of the development and operational costs of Galileo so by rights we should be able to continue using it,” he said complaining that Brussels was invoking a clause in the contract for Galileo which blocks it from being used by most, but not all, non EU members.

“Norwegian fishermen can use it for hunting whales, even though Norway isn’t a member of the EU and Wales is, but after March 29th British minicab drivers will be forced to drive blind,” he said.

Raab accepted that after Brexit there are likely to be fewer EU nationals driving minicabs meaning there is a greater chance of drivers actually knowing where they are going without cheating.

However he warned that the government is considering taking retaliatory action such as  removing all the road signs in the south east of England to confuse lorry drivers arriving from the continent, and painting fluorescent monster faces on the inside of the channel tunnel to scare arriving tourists.

“Fair’s fair..” he explained.

Raab also confirmed that road atlases based on Ordnance Survey maps, will continue to work, but those from continental publishers such as France’s Michelin, or Germany’s Euro Atlas will need to be destroyed as they are marked in kilometres,

“We will be arranging door to door collection, to prevent further possible watering down of our domestic mile denominated maps,” he explained.

Commenting on news of the satnav ban, prime minister in waiting Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that this was just the sort of typical Brussels duplicity that had brought the UK to leave the European Union.

“How very dare they think that just because they have an agreement with us, they have the right to enforce it,” he purred, adding that Brussels may have inadvertently shot itself in the foot.

“They think they can scupper Brexit by endlessly wittering on about the Irish border – but without satnav no one will be able to find it – problem solved,” he smirked, oleaginously.

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A rabbit in the headlights demands U.K. gov step down as they’re giving him a bad reputation

LCD Views has heard today from a rabbit in the headlights who is demanding the U.K. government step down with immediate affect, as they’re giving him a bad reputation.

”To be fair my reputation wasn’t that good to start with,” Mr A Rabbit told us, “but since the 24th June 2016, when WonderTory Dave made a dash for it, things have been getting incrementally worse day by day.”

Mr Rabbit now fears the stain on his low reputation may soon be so difficult to remove he’ll have to wait to be run over with Theresa May and her cabinet of talents.

”You see her stood there day after day with the big, red Brexit bus barrelling down at her at top speed and you want to shout GO!

Just get out of the way!

And take the country out of the way while you’re at it!

But she doesn’t. Her eyes just get wider and wider and her body stiffer with terror and her utterances more strangled and inane.”

Mr Rabbit claims he definitely would have hopped out of the way by now.

”You see plenty of dead pheasants beside the country’s roads. Foxes. The occasional badger. Not too many rabbits though.

And here’s an entire party of governance just frozen while the country decays and an entirely avoidable disaster gets closer and closer.

If only our parliamentary system allowed for some kind of opposing party to make the case for not getting flattened into paste.”

While LCD Views feels a small measure of sympathy for Mr Rabbit, we feel it is our potatriotic duty to remind him that we’re all Brexiters now and we must all stand still, terrified in the giant light of the approaching Brexit, deny it’s happening and make the best of a future that is both pants and paste.

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What’s the ‘arm in Armageddon

A small but noisy, banner-waving, crowd was protesting outside Parliament, complaining that Brexit wasn’t happening, hard or fast enough. It was mainly old people, but not exclusively, mostly with pink gammon faces, some without noses which they had cut off to spite their faces, some hobbling as they had shot themselves in the foot.

LCD Views reporter Carmen Sense approached two of the protesters to ask them why they were protesting and not in the supermarket stockpiling food and medicines in preparation for the coming hard Brexit.

They gave their names as Harry Kari and Sue Side. Before Carmen Sense could even ask a question they started screaming,

“We voted to leave the corrupt undemocratic unelected EU and we want out now. We don’t care if it costs an arm and a leg, we want to be free from the shackles of the sclerotic European project and have our own cucumbers and bananas. And we want it now!”

When Carmen Sense pointed out that the government’s own assessments for a no-deal Brexit indicated that there would be difficulties, the crowd started shouting.

“Fake News! Scaremongering! Project Fear!”, and said that that nice posh-sounding Mr Mogg had reassured them that everything would be alright, and they were prepared to wait fifty years to see the benefits of Brexit.

They also asserted that they were willing to take jobs as Mogg’s serfs in gratitude for his role in liberating Britain from the tyranny of Brussels.

Carmen Sense suddenly had a nasty thought, which was if there were seventeen million like this in the country, the chances of Remain winning a People’s Vote were as slim as we would all be when food became scarce after Brexit.

The crowd started to disperse. Was it to go home to watch Nigel Farage on TV, Carmen asked. No, Harry and Sue replied, we’re going to stockpile food and medicines, and book a last-minute break in Europe before flights are grounded in March next year. Oh, and we have to move our assets abroad to avoid exposures to the coming economic downturn.

Next day, the headlines in the papers were “What’s the ‘arm in Armageddon?” I guess maybe we’ll find out…

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Mainstream media think that you are all idiots

The Times is the latest pillar of the establishment to fall. It joins most of the other major titles, and the BBC, in the Hall Of Shame.

The Times must think we are idiots. It has published a piece by Leave.EU overspender Arron Banks which calls for Theresa May’s head and describes her as a traitor. This sort of propaganda is out of place in a respected newspaper. The previously reliable organ has joined the race to the bottom of the barrel.

The determinedly not-mainstream LCD Views spoke to media analyst Newt Rallity about balanced reporting.

“Virtually all the mainstream titles think their readers are fools,” commented Rallity. “The Mail and the Express gave up any pretence of reporting real news years ago, but still present propaganda as fact. The red-tops are even further down that particular road.”

As for the so-called quality press…

“The Telegraph recently threw in the towel and became a Brexit champion,” Rallity claimed. “Now the Times is printing emotive slander and implicitly supporting a right-wing coup. They think they can get away with it because it’s what their readers want to hear. Spoon-feeding them with drivel so they don’t have to think for themselves.”

Isn’t there a watchdog which is there to maintain standards of reportage?

“Yeah, IPSO,” said Rallity. “I call it IPSO facto, because it thinks that if something is in black and white, it must be true.”

Not much use as a watchdog if it doesn’t have any teeth.

“No, it’s like the dog in the village pub,” agreed Rallity. “It growls a bit, until you chuck it a few peanuts and say ‘who’s a good boy then’. Upon which it goes to sleep and lets you do what you like.”

So an allegedly Russian-financed insurance salesman is using the a once respectable member of the British press to undermine the PM, and democracy with it? They must think we are all idiots.