Professional player reveals he’s already donated his brain to science

Exciting news this afternoon for lovers of medical science with the revelation that a professional player has already donated his brain to science.

“I want to be an example for other people,” Mr David stated, standing before a gathering of startled reporters.

“So many people seem to believe that you need a functioning brain and awareness of longer term consequence to achieve personal success in life. I am here to tell you today that is incorrect.”

It seems Mr David donated his brain to science decades ago.

“I was upset because so many people told me I was brainless,” He explained, “So I thought I’d prove to them that you don’t need a head full of facts and research just to have an impact.”

It seems he is correct.

It also seems the only blowback that has occurred from his open hearted gesture has been a result of the x-ray that was taken on the day he had the lot scooped out and put in a jar for study.

“My brain looks like minced meat,” he sighed, “Well, doesn’t yours? It’s not nice. A clown at the laboratory where my brain went leaked the x-ray image to the press and ever since then people have said ‘he’s as thick as mince’. It hurts my feelings. It wounds me almost as much as what we intend to do to animals after Brexit is going to hurt them.”

It has been suggested that it maybe better if he got a brain, again?

“There you go, thinking you know best just because you read a book once.”

Mr David had to leave shortly after because he needed to prepare for his next big match, which is coming up shortly.

“The preparation is intense,” he added as he made to leave the stage of the press briefing, “you know some public officials can be very picky about you spending other people’s money. Most of my time is actually spent arguing with bean counters. I tell them, they need to get out more and get some fresh air. Fill their head with creative and imaginative thoughts.”

He then fell off the stage, but without a brain, it didn’t hurt anything but his pride, and he’s got enough of that to shield him against even the worst blows.

“You lot should donate your brains too!” he urged, “It would make my job a damn sight easier. It does make it hard to change your mind though, if you haven’t any brains.”

Community group failing to organise piss up in a brewery suspected of wanting all the beer for themselves

LCD can reveal today that a local community group is increasingly under suspicion for failing to organise a well publicised piss up in a nearby brewery, just so the organisers can drink all the beer themselves.

“It’s obvious to me,” Mr Conned Citizan told LCD Views, “You simply can’t be as bad at organising something as that mob are unless you want the party not to happen in the first place.”

So does Mr Citizan expect the event to be called off?

“We’ve all bought a ticket, whether or not we wanted to,” he replied, “The local council agreed to part fund the piss up with our council tax, which many of us protested against, but they argued it’s in the interest of the entire community to come and get blathered, fall out with each other, fight, get arrested, appear in court, get discharged on a community order and call in relationship counsellors to force us all to make up after. So we all got a ticket.”

The organising committee itself said they are “straining every sinew, putting every tiger in every tank, and we are confident that the piss up will happen at the brewery on the advertised date and everyone will have a fantastic time.”

But Mr Citizan isn’t buying it.

“You know they’ve already asked the council for another sub? And the council has handed the money over. I only just found out that the guy who does the finances at the local authority is the cousin of one of the organisers of the piss up. It’s blatant corruption.”

There does seem to be reasonable grounds for suspicion. LCD Views have studied the charter of the community organisation responsible for the event and found that every single rule in the charter ends with the statement, “we get a free bar and we get to decide who drinks at said free bar”.

For balance, we spoke to a local figure, who was initially reluctant to support the event on the grounds of being a lifelong teetoller, but who seems recently to have had a charge of heart.

“I want the piss up to go ahead,” Mr Temperance stated, “I want them all to make themselves violently ill on as much beer as they can manage, vomit all over the shop, and swear off drink for life. It’s the only way they’ll come around to my way of seeing things.”

The organising committee are nonplussed, recently commenting,

“There is absolutely no way any invitations to the piss up won’t be honoured on the day and we have absolutely no intention of turning the event into a lock-in session for ourselves to get as pissed as we like while the rest of the community stands locked outside parched.”

Well, if you can’t trust their word, what can you trust? Bottoms up!

Brexit Dad furious after discovering charity cricket match was for economic migrants

LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.

“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”

Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.

“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”

Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?

“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”

Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.

“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”

One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?

“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”

As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?

“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”

Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.

“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”

Conservative Crackers product recall urged as every single one contains nuts

The Conservative Party is facing embarrassing calls today from health campaigners who are calling for a recall of celebratory Conservative Crackers on the grounds that every single one contains nuts.

“It’s not true,” a sales rep who works for both Rupert Murdoch and Con HQ responded, “Anna Soubry, Ken Clarke, Dominic Grieve and some others are surprisingly non-nutty.”

The rep went on to say that they actually want to recall the non-nutty Conservative biscuits and re-issue them with nuts inside.

It’s easy to see why they are resistant too.

The Crackers, which were initially packaged in purple and yellow bags, have sold surprisingly well in areas of the country, so much so that the party has already redesigned the packaging to be the standard Tory wrappings.

“The recipe is an old Conservative family favourite anyway. Of course, we trialled it as a supposedly unrelated product, but that was more stalking horse than biscuit.”

But health campaigners are adamant that over consumption of the crackers can lead to a variety of symptoms, not just declining fiscal forecasts.

Consumers are also at risk of symptoms such as,

Impotent fury. Verbal diarrhoea. Nationalistic tendencies that harm international reputation. Being left out of popular clubs. And loss of jobs in a trickle to become a flow across the channel.

“I tried one once,” one of the campaigners confessed, off the record, “but it was so hard I broke a crown.”

LCD Views understands that opinion is less coherent inside the party as to what to do about the recall, with some serious handbags at dawn occurring, but the party is doing their best to conceal the indigestion.

Asked for comment a spokesman for the Workers Party replied,

“You should try our biscuits instead. They still contain the major ingredient nowadays, brexit oats, but they’re flavoured with unicorn meal.”

Whatever happened to good, old fashioned digestives? That’s what we’d like to know.

Budget 2017 slashed growth forecasts reveal Britons will be getting shorter

The economic undertaker produced a sobering prediction for the citizens of the thoroughly United Kingdom today with the budget forecast that everyone in Britain will be getting smaller in the coming years.

LCD Views spoke to a leading nutritionist to find out the root cause.

“Vegetables,” Professor Pot Ato declared, “we are turning into a nation of vegetables. Have you seen any root vegetable as tall as a giraffe? Too much time in the dark. Not enough foliage.”

This stark forecast reverses a trend of Britons gaining in stature year on year for many years.

“We’ll be too small to sit on any international tribunals before too long. And forget going for items on the high shelves, the prestige stuff, without a ladder. Best look in your grandparent’s shed and see if they’ve one stashed. Or your parents may have one hidden under the bed.”

But how to turn it around?

“Stop watching reality TV and go for a run would be a good start. Eat more vegetables. Try and vary your diet, if you haven’t already. Not so much of that rubbish they advertise in the tabloids. Get some fibre in. Food with research behind it.”

Is there anything the Chancellor could do with his calculator to have an immediate impact?

“He could scrap the billions he’s setting aside for that national identity scheme for one. Put it into nutrition and schools. But I doubt he’ll do it. Most of his colleagues survive on junk food. There would be a revolt.”

Scrapping the new national identity scheme does seem controversial. The current government has staked its entire survival on turning everyone into a Saint George flag, in spite of the protests of some minor voices outside England.

“We could just accept it. Bury ourselves in the dark like seed potatoes and see what we grow into?” the professor mused, surprisingly, “but for that to work we’re going to have to absorb an outrageous amount of shit. And personally I can’t stomach it.”

Samaritans on 24 hour alert as the UK is still dead set on committing economic suicide

Branches of The Samaritans across the country have been placed on red alert. The UK has shown itself to be determined to commit economic suicide, and is refusing to back down.  

The Samaritans will not intervene without a direct request. However it is believed that the cry for help may come at any time. All leave has been cancelled for the brave volunteers who man the phones.

The state of mind of the UK has been in question for some time. Mostly, the bad voices have been kept under control. However, a serious lapse of judgement in 2016 has allowed the suicide advocates to take control.

The Autumn Budget is likely to be a critical point. It could prompt the UK to make the call. Alternatively, it could force the UK even closer to the precipice.

Skilled negotiators are already trying to talk the UK down off the cliff edge. It appears that the UK is refusing to listen to reason. Instead, all advice not corresponding with the bad voices in the head is dismissed as coming from saboteurs, mutineers, or, most damningly, experts.

LCD Views spoke to mental health guru Dr Ed Case. “Many mental issues can be resolved with cognitive behaviour therapy, or CBT,” stated Dr Case. “This involves educating the subject to recognise the signs that the bad voices are becoming louder, and teaching strategies to counter them.”

Dr Case gave examples and case histories, before concluding: “In the most severe instances, a patient must be sectioned for their own protection. This is what Brexit will achieve. The UK will be isolated from the rest of the world and sedated until the worst is over. Then a cautious period of re-education and rehabilitation will be undertaken. When sufficient progress has been made, CBT will allow the UK to avoid future trauma.”

Meanwhile, the state of emergency at The Samaritans look unlikely to be lifted any time soon.

Boris Johnson to contact lost jungle tribe and colonise them on contact

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office threatens to dazzle the Chancellor into envy on his big day with the attention grabbing announcement that Mr Johnson is to lead a new British expedition to find the Yaifo and instantly colonise them.

“Just being in the vicinity of Boris will turn them into British subjects,” commented Ms Let Thembe, one of the team planning the project.

“They will see this colossus of civilisation coming over the horizon bringing dial up internet and the lumber industry and they will understand instinctively it’s time to bow before the 20th century. I expect they will have already begun construction of a lodge with a bar, they just don’t know why yet.”

It’s thought the move by Mr Johnson is motivated partially by his concern for other people and mostly by his need to be loved.

“He’s just a big puppy really. Scratch his tummy and his back leg kicks. These people who appear to have deliberately chosen to live in an incredibly inaccessible region have only done so because Boris hasn’t had a chance to sleep with any of their wives. It’s understandable.”

But Philip Hammond is said to be incensed by news of the announcement on the day when he was to be in the spotlight.

“Phil doesn’t like coming out of his neat and orderly cave,” a handler for the Chancellor observed, “‘most mornings we can’t even get him to have his breakfast until he’s counted all his rocks and made sure they are in the position he placed them the evening before. He doesn’t really like bright lights. He doesn’t like other people, although as most of the people he sees each day are crazed and hate him because he’s not ideologically pure, well…”

It’s also a little curious as to why Mr Johnson should get in the way today of all days.

“Philip was announcing as part of his budget speech that all the money currently wasted on overseas aid was going to be split now between a foreign military and Boris’ expedition to sneeze cultures onto the Yaifo. This is very puzzling to us all.”

LCD Views has a theory as to why Mr Johnson has chosen to steal the limelight off his peer though, and it’s something to do with Phil’s rumoured reluctance to shell out and pay the Iranians for Nazanin’s release, thus saving Boris Johnson from himself.

“I hope the Yaifo like bubbling blonde boy’s running nude through their village holding bottles of Bollinger. Because unless Phil changes his mind over that already forgotten Iran mix up, that’s what they’re getting. Keep the people distracted and Boris has a get out of jail free card. Works for me!”

Hammond announces massive investment in new slogans and scapegoats

“To get Britain fit for the future we will need slogans and scapegoats unequalled in modern times…”

So begins the chancellor’s budget 2017 speech to the now very common house later today, as revealed only in LCD Views, thanks to our mole in the treasury.

LCD will not be providing line by line scrutiny of the budget, as most of it is likely to be terrified bollocks from a man judged as one of the only sane ones in the current conservative cabinet, and thus expected to be politically butchered by the Brexit fanatics any minute of any day. Although he’ll take one or two with him we fancy…

We will though give you some of the tasty lines of his new fictional pamphlet, because it’s not every day a reclusive writer like ‘the undertaker’ publishes. So let’s see out of curiosity!

“Brexit means Wrecxit. A red, white and silly Brexit. Coalition of chaos. And now, a Britain so fit for the future you can’t see it sideways in a shower, are all vital parts of attempting to convince ourselves that economic suicide, of the type we have doggedly embarked upon, is the best choice for Britain.”

But slogans can only carry a country bent to the will of disaster capitalists by useful MPs, from across the political divide, so far.

“In order to prepare for the changes of paying the European Union billions to re-home large chunks of our highest performing sectors Britain requires a scapegoat as large as the divide between north and south in our great country.

Also, and let’s be clear on this, as deep as the deepest coal pit closed the last time a Conservative government went ideologically apesh*t crazy with the country.

In order to provide this goat to scape your government will be borrowing billions from payday loan providers to fund research and development into this crucial capacity for today and tomorrow.”

And we commend this budget to the house. For about five minutes. Until the tax u turns begin.

Government solves Irish Border problem by pretending it isn’t happening

“It’s the tonic we’ve been thirsting for,” commented a resident of Strabane, which is situated on the Northern Ireland side of the border and linked to Lifford, in the republic, by Lifford Bridge.

“All this time, since the advisory referendum on EU membership, we’ve had the distinct, and unsettling impression, that the people in government hadn’t really thought the issue through and were just making things up as they go along. To hear there is an actual plan is very reassuring.”

And an actual plan there is. No one needs to worry.

LCD Views can reveal tonight that we have seen a copy of the fag packet that David Davis and Boris Johnson have jointly worked out the solution to the border problem on.

If the UK decides, in its collective wisdom, to withdraw from the customs union with the EU, then we will handle the Irish border problem by,

“Pretending it isn’t happening so it goes away.”

We showed our copy of the imaginative and flexible plan to the anxious resident.

“That’s fantastic. I need to move goods back and forth across the bridge each day, across the border, so it was a real worry for me until now. Not to mention the little issue of a more distant concern of a return to the troubles if a “hard” border was re-established.”

One less worried citizen in Brexit Kingdom.

“Well, I’ll just stop filling my silly head with worries and get on with my day.”

You do that sir. Be of good heart.

Everything is in hand. If you believe it then it is true. Also if you ignore it.

“It’s only because all the BBC does is bang on about the hypothetical divorce bill, just like the kippers and the Brexiters in government, as if that’s all the EU mentions.

When the EU is constantly talking about the border and the Good Friday Agreement, which gives the mistaken impression they care more about us than Westminster.

But that must be wrong because Theresa gave some of us £1.5bn so she could keep looking after us, in her wisdom.

It wrongly gave me the impression that they were either too arrogant to care or too stupid and didn’t know what to do.”

Now who would ever think that of a House of Parliament merrily voting through far reaching decisions without a plan of what to do after?

Lost Papua New Guinean tribe gutted not to receive latest cold and flu virus from western explorer

The official spokesman for the Yaifo tribe phoned LCD Views via satellite phone this afternoon to express the tribe’s distress that Benedict Allen wasn’t able to find them and give them the latest cold and flu virus.

“We presume he flew to Papua New Guinea from Europe?” the spokesman asked, “in a pressurised aircraft with hundreds of other people from all over the world? That would have given him the best chance to catch the latest viruses that we don’t have deep in our jungle.”

The spokesman went on to say that they haven’t removed themselves from all contact with the outside world because they saw what happened to tribes that didn’t.

Neither did they worry about being harassed by well intentioned religious zealots from the West who believe changing all their names to ones from the bible and wearing ties would be better than whatever ancient traditions they are just playing about with now.

“It’s a real shame he couldn’t make it. I was hoping to see what an iPhoneX looks like and potentially get myself hooked on social media staring at a tiny screen all day posting my thoughts, rather than being so bored with trees and waterfalls and family members and magic and stuff.”

Maybe that helicopter could bring Benedict back and just drop him right on top of the Yaifo this time?

“Well make sure he is sneezing first. I personally have a sneaking suspicion that it was foreign bacteria or viruses that wiped out those Neanderthal once they reconnected with modern humans.

It would be good to see if a group of modern humans, only having been separated from the rest of the population for a few decades, would be just as susceptible?

Or if it takes tens of thousands of years and divergence genetically to do it? Mind you, the fate of “New World” peoples suggests it doesn’t take that long.”

Benedict Allen could not be contacted for comment, busy being irritated that people tried to rescue him when he was perfectly fine dealing with malaria in a jungle on his own without medication.

He wants to be left alone now, okay? Media types should probably respect that, rather than presuming he wants to talk to them just because he’s ignoring everyone.