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Invicta becomes Sphincter as portable toilet replaces the white horse on flag of Kent

The people of Kent were heard clenching hard and releasing in celebration into the small hours last night with the announcement that Invicta, the white horse, was to be replaced by Sphincter, an overturned portable toilet, on the Kent flag.

“It’s to show the entire world that Kent is not blocked up with bloody remoaners,” Thanet’s leading political stool Nigel Farage, told LCD Views during an interview conducted side by side in a pub urinal.

“that our guts are in full Brexshit means Brexshit flow and we’re ready to become one giant carpark of backed up lorry drivers, because that’s what the people of Kent voted 59% to leave the overly automated bidets and hygiene obsessed little tiled rooms of Brussels for.”

Yes! To ensure they stay at the front of the long queue of patriots busting to express themselves on England’s pleasant green fields. And it’s not only the flag that is getting updated.

”We’re going to carve a giant Sphincter into a chalky hillside facing France,” Nigel Farage added, “surround that with actual overturned and full portaloos with a sacrificial lorry driver inside, and then set the whole lot on fire using transport and logistic jobs as fuel. Bloody thing will burn for all to see for years. Just imagine the screams of the traitors! Ha!”

That vision expressed fully we shook.

”Remember more than three shakes is a wank!” Nigel cackled, easily into double figures.

It seems Brexit really will mean take back control for the people of Kent, mostly by having control of giant slurry pits where they used to have fields. And at considerable public expense.

”Spend a penny for Brexit,” Nigel added, “and do it in Kent.”

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Man volunteers himself and his nanny to be Irish border patrol after hard Brexit

A Somerset man has declared that he and his nanny will patrol the hard border to be re-established between Northern Ireland and the Republic, after he succeeds in crashing the U.K. out of the EU.

”The sun never set on the British Empire,” he declared before a packed house yesterday, “and ipso facto I want to make sure the troublesome Irish know it.”

Under the scheme, to come into force at 10pm, March 29th 2019, the man will sit in his pram and be wheeled along the highways, bi-ways, back alleys and fields that comprise the border, powered by his nanny, who still doubles as his wet nurse when the other boys are mean to him.

”I wouldn’t suggest other low born boys take on the potentially life and death task of catching paramilitary members and gun runners,” he stated, “without being prepared to personally put myself in harms way to ensure the Irish know exactly who governs them.”

But critics have been quick to point out that as no one can yet identify any benefit to come from Brexit, apart from increased power and money to inheritance millionaires such as himself, that intentionally creating a situation that ruins the GFA is the height of negligence in office, deeply inhumane and to even risk a circumstance that endangers it shows what an inhuman and reptilian shit he actually is.

”What’s so good about Friday anyway?” he smirked, before holding a microphone at just the right angle to make it seem he has a toothbrush moustache.

”I’d like to personally thank my colleagues on the front benches of both the Conservativekip and Labourkip parties for being so entirely gutless and without principles as regards Brexit,

”While both seek to politically profit off the instability in our politics, with little care for governance, cartoon fuckwit autocrats like myself get to make hay,

”I’m an imperialist. I will happily see lesser peoples’ blood spilt for my profit. But I can’t do it alone. In order to demolish the Good Friday Agreement and bring death back to Northern Ireland I need the support of Westminster. In any normal time the comments I am making today would end my career. But not now, because Britain is currently governed by racists,

“Now, if you don’t mind, nutricem meam infectum e st tegidae lac mea.”

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Pope announces shock Beatification of Pogues singer Shane McGowan

On his first tour of Ireland Pope Francis has sent shockwaves through the Emerald Isle, and the Catholic world in general, by announcing plans to have Shane MacGowan, the still pretty much living lead singer of anglo-Irish folk-punk band,The Pogues, declared a saint.

In a brief communiqué, written in the traditional Latin, the Vatican announced : “In nómine Patris, et Fílii, Spíritus Sancti, Osculer oro asini sepelietur, cantori, benedictum Shane MacGowan, favorabiles erunt et cetera virus sanctus.”

Explaining the shock move Vatican PLC’s Ireland ’18 tour manager, Monsigneur Dick O’Dell, pointed out that the Pope has long been a huge Pogues fan, having discovered them through their seminal third album “If I Should Fall from Grace with God”.

“His Holiness genuinely feels that with Shane having lived so close to the edge for so long he’d better give him the recognition he deserves before he ups and joins Kirsty McColl for a duet in the celestial choir ,” he said explaining that with no Vatican equivalent of the Brit Awards or the ‘Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame‘, it was pretty much sainthood or shoot the craic over a gargle in the Sistine.

“His holiness felt Shane deserved more than that. I mean they’ve been on first name terms for years – Shane gets to call him Frank, which is more than any of his employees do.. ” he added.

However O’Dell explained that as ever, there has to be some give and take and that in return for the absolutely unprecedented honour of living sainthood, Pope Frank, does have one small favour to ask.

Namely that before Saint Shane of Mahonia, gets to don his wings and halo, the Pogues record a cover of “Who Knows Where The Time Goes” he said, referring to the song written and made famous by the already late, Sandy Denny, and explaining that as a Brit, a prod and a hippie, Denny isn’t herself eligible for any Vatican honours.

“It’s an absolute Papal fave, and his holiness feels that only Shane and the lads could possibly add anything to the original,” he explained, pointing out that with Papal backing it would be nailed on to be a Christmas number one.

“And without any fookin’ swearing like that “Fairytale” song o’ theirs,” he laughed.

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Brexit life jackets withdrawn from sale after major component revealed as concrete

Brexit Industries newfangled life jackets have been withdrawn from sale after the shock discovery that the major component used in their manufacture is concrete. And it doesn’t float.

”Who would have thought that? No one warned us. It was a total blindside,” deputy head of development, Ill Heath and Unsafe Department, Kate Hoey told LCD Views, “the first person to strap on a Brexit life jacket in an emergency just vanished into the deep.”

But Kate and her team aren’t willing to give up yet.

”The concrete used to weight down the life jackets, in the pockets normally reserved for flotation devices, was really cheap. We will keep using it until it floats. Head of Procurement and Most Likely Fraud, Arron, got dozens of containers of it delivered to our top secret lab on the Isle of Mann. Who won’t say who he got it off, but he’s a Brexiter, so I trust him. We’re not just going to throw it away when we can keep sewing it into jackets for British seafarers and holidaymakers to wear.”

And Brexit Industries have received support from the top echelons of government.

”It’s the red tape imposed on British manufacturers from the killjoys in Brussels,” Dominic Raab, a piece of meat which barely seems capable of rational thought, told us from the freezer section of DExEU, “any swimmer can easily stay afloat in the roughest of seas with the right amount of vim and vigour in their frantic splashing about.”

In the interim British people taking to the seas in potentially life threatening situations are advised to use jackets developed with actually staying afloat in mind.

”It’s taking all the adventure out of boating,” Kate bemoaned, “and we’d just developed a matching pair of concrete shoes to go with the jackets too.”

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Jeremy Corbyn’s face appears on a slice of toast

Jeremy Corbyn is toast. Quite literally. An image of the former Messiah’s face has manifested itself on a slice of white toast.

Mrs Trudy Vinity from The North was settling herself down to a nice cup of tea and some hot buttered toast, when she noticed strange markings on it, and realised it was the face of Jeremy Corbyn. “I was about to slap a load of raspberry jam on my toast,” she remarked.

“The seedless stuff, I can’t stand pips. Anyway, it was then I saw the odd marks on the toast. I said to myself, Trudy, I said, the toaster’s on the blink again after Dominic Raab’s face appeared the other day. Well, we all know Raab is a bit of a twonk, but Corbyn? I called the Evening Express straight the way!”

Stranger still, sightings have been reported all over the British Isles. Mrs Marge O’Reen from Ireland saw Corbyn’s face in her colcannon, and Mrs Chelsea Bunne from London noticed Jeremy’s boat race staring back at her out of a portion of smashed avocado.

Nor is the phenomenon confined to food. Welsh farmer Wynn ap Ryze realised that his sheep had formed the face of Jeremy Corbyn on the hillside.

What does it all mean? LCD Views turned to paranormal expert May King-Ittup. “It’s clearly the end of an era,” she said. “It is obviously a sign that the spirit of Jeremy Corbyn is making his final farewells before he finally suffocates in the slough of his own ineptitude.”

“Remember last summer?” she asked. “At Glastonbury? When Corbyn appeared in person to wow the crowds? He was unstoppable then, but that day he failed to grasp the simple fact that Glastonbury was his big chance. After flunking that opportunity, he has faded into being an irrelevant Tory enabler. He’s toast, and he knows it.”

Will we witness the Second Coming of JC? Or will he lead us all to crucifixion and a chorus of ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’?

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Tories in disarray as they refuse membership to their head of policy

Confusion! Furore! Disarray at Con (job) HQ today with the revelation that Brandon Lewis has accidentally refused membership to their head of Conservative Party policy.

”I am very sorry, I just forgot who he was,” Lewis fumbled before news cameras, “but I’m sure if Mr Banks can organise to have millions of pounds transferred into an Isle of Mann bank account and refuse to say where it came from, and then donates it all to Tory grass roots campaign groups, we can look again at his application.”

But looking again at the application may prove difficult with suspicions that Mr Banks may have to flee the U.K. around about the time Donald Trump’s criminal empire completely crumbles across the pond.

Labour, under fire themselves for all the easily misinterpreted speeches of their leadership were quick to seize on the divisions and fail to capitalise.

”Mr Banks is one of the father’s of Brexit. Brexit is the hill this government has chosen to die on. We have chosen to die on that hill with them by supporting Ms May at crucial stages. From the vote to trigger article 50, when any sane individual knew that lengthy analysis and preparation was required, given that the timing of the trigger was the only card we held as a country, to right now by refusing to back a democratic vote on whatever deal is achieved,

”Not allowing Mr Banks membership of the Conservative Party, while happy to take his policies, is clear exploitation of a British worker. We won’t stand for it. Mr Banks should be given membership of the party immediately.”

Arron Banks himself seemed less bothered.

”My ranks of the walking dead are joining the Tories en masse. Steve Bannon is guiding Boris and myself on the exact level of racism you need to fuel to takeover an inherently racist party like the “hostile environment” Tories, it will be fine,

”As long as both major parties on the British political landscape are happy to drive forward Brexit, regardless of how clearly it is a hard right and disaster capitalist project promising misery to the many and mass profit to the few, I am fine without a blue rosette on my lapel.”

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Government says if we stockpile all the food the EU will have to give us a deal

The government has moved to smooth the ruffled feathers of the British dining public by releasing a statement on its vision for the closing stages of Brexit negotiations with the EU.

“If we stockpile all the food the EU will have to give us a deal,” a sweating Dominic Raab asserted, while seeming to suffer from tetanus, “who holds all the cards then? If Emperor Barnier refuses to allow backlogged English cheddar to overwhelm EU farmer’s markets after March 2019, they’ll all fucking starve.”

And serves them right too!

Under the plan, which has been called “imaginary”, “vim full” and “ambitious” by objective world trade experts, Downing Street will order the army to stop all food exports from British farms crossing the boarders and borders into EU27 countries.

”While they’re distracted by this Iain Duncan Smith will lead an amphibious assault on Holland,” Raab said, while seemingly suffering from the closing stages of rabies.

The successful assault will seize all of the EU’s remaining food production sectors and ship the produce back to Blighty with no need for customs checks.

”Farms and hothouses we can’t seize will be torched,” Raab added, “the Union Jack will he raised over a windmill and our victorious troops will be led back home with their arms stuffed full of radishes.”

Quite how the EU will respond to finding themselves on the wrong end of the food rationing queue is not clear, but there is little doubt if enough Brits believe in the plan that it will work.

”Who holds all the restaurant bookings now?” Raab demanded, while seeming to suffer from the advanced stages of Dunce syndrome.

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Global Britain announces plan to become the world’s leading producer of red tape

The government’s preparations for a ‘no-deal’ scenario have been spluttering off the presses. Buried in the mass of fudge and waffle was a nugget of good news – Global Britain is set to become the world’s leading producer of red tape.

The announcement was made, almost by accident, by the man formerly acting as Brexit Secretary. Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab looked shifty, nervous and sweaty as he announced the shifty, nervous and sweaty plans.

He glossed over this important detail. However, we at LCD Views would like to shout it from the rooftops. It’s a HUGE BOOST for red tape MANUFACTURERS!

Forget the referendum promise to reduce red tape. This has been an Alice Through The Looking Glass Brexit for a long time now, in which the reality is the opposite of the projected image. Humpty Dumptyism reigns, whereby if you use a word, it means precisely what you want it to mean.

“This is why increased red tape is a triumph!” crowed Brexit analyst Topsie Turvey. “It’s a true Brexit Dividend. This will stimulate manufacturing all over the country. No longer will dark Satanic millowners lose business to cheap imports from China, they can get on with making British red tape for the Global Britain market.”

And it’s not just red tape.

“It’s also red, white and blue tape!” claimed Turvey. “And soft tape and hard tape, cooked goose tape and half-baked tape. We will have our tape and cut it.”

Cutting red tape. That was the promise.

“You can’t cut red tape without first producing red tape,” Turvey scolded. “By producing vast quantities, we can cut more and more red tape!”

At least we will be able to cut down on surplus packaging. Imported goods will be wrapped in so much red tape as to render it totally unnecessary.

And the fudge and waffle will feed the masses indefinitely.

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Jesus to head Brexit negotiations as Britain now needs a miracle

The under fire, beleaguered and doomed Department for Exiting the EU was given the WOW factor today with the announcement that Jesus Christ would be heading up the British negotiations, versus the seemingly unstoppable super villain Barnier.

”Barnier may think his evil word powers and ability to point at bits of paper can stop Global Britain,” Dominic Raab told the world via BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, “but he’s forgotten God is an Englishman. And so is his son.”

Under the deal Jesus Christ will walk across the English Channel and come face to face with the evil tyranny of a multi-national union of representative democracies, working together via mutually agreed legal treaties and just do his thing.

”We’re calling this Lazarus Brexit,” Raab added, “because if you think our negotiating strategy is dead, just roll away the stone we’re all trying to hide behind and be dazzled.”

Jesus himself was more circumspect regarding his chances of achieving the long sought after cake and eat it Brexit.

”If you wanted a bread and fishes Brexit, maybe I could have pulled that off,” he told assembled journalists, as he stepped off his spaceship on College Green, “but I don’t even think cake in the form you think of it existed when I last visited Earth? We’ll have to wait and see. I’m not sure even a miracle can save the U.K. now? I wouldn’t have even started down this path. Brexit? How long was the serpent whispering in your ears? Jesus Christ! But I’ll do my best. Anyone got some water? I fancy I need a bit of Dutch courage before I get started.”

Asked for comment on the new gun for hire, Labour’s Keir Starmer was ambivalent. Because that’s what he does. Running down the clock in a cynical bit of chicken shittery that is fooling no one.

Social media commentators were less restrained though, with furious Momentum activists pointing out that this Jesus Christ must be a false messiah, because they’re already following the real one, who is definitely a Brexiter.

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Foxy doctor confident surgery to separate Siamese twins will be easiest in history

LCD Views has heard today from world famous Doctor Liam Fox and his confidence that surgery to separate a celebrated pair of Siamese twins will be “easiest in history”.

”Look, it’s just the brains that are entangled,” he blithely said, dismissing concerns that the surgery maybe harder than he believes, “and the ERG and the TPA and various other esteemed medical bodies have said by first removing my brain, it will make the surgery a cinch.”

The procedure, which is currently pencilled in to happen at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 has not been scheduled in anyway to avoid new EU regulations coming into force days later relating to medical malpractice of the tax dodging kind.

”Some so called experts have said that separating conjoined twins who have grown and matured together for over forty years is complex and should be planned exhaustively for years before even attempting it. What do they know?”

Doctor Fox went on to explain how he plans to perform the operation.

”I’m going to strap both patients to the slab and get a chainsaw. Best way to do this is fast. Hack and slash and mop up the cash.”

Reports that other professionals have suggested not to even attempt it, as it’s a procedure that will benefit no one, especially the patients, and is actually risking decades of progress achieved by the twins are similarly dismissed. Because why not?

”No one has attempted this before,” Fox shrugged, “so what can history teach you? Nothing. It’s certainly taught me and my team nothing. Well, except the bits about fascist takeovers of democracies for the personal enrichment of a tiny majority. But that’s nothing to do with this.”

And how will you personally prepare for the operation?

”I don’t need to,” he smiled, “as advised I removed my brain years ago. Everything since points to my success in that endeavour. This will be the easiest surgery of its kind in history.”