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Doctor confident surgery to separate Siamese twins will be “easiest in history”

LCD Views has heard today from world famous Doctor Liam Fox and his confidence that surgery to separate a celebrated pair of Siamese twins will be “easiest in history”.

”Look, it’s just the brains that are entangled,” he blithely said, dismissing concerns that the surgery maybe harder than he believes, “and the ERG and the TPA and various other esteemed medical bodies have said by first removing my brain, it will make the surgery a cinch.”

The procedure, which is currently pencilled in to happen at 10pm on the 29th March 2019 has not been scheduled in anyway to avoid new EU regulations coming into force days later relating to medical malpractice of the tax dodging kind.

”Some so called experts have said that separating conjoined twins who have grown and matured together for over forty years is complex and should be planned exhaustively for years before even attempting it. What do they know?”

Doctor Fox went on to explain how he plans to perform the operation.

”I’m going to strap both patients to the slab and get a chainsaw. Best way to do this is fast. Hack and slash and mop up the cash.”

Reports that other professionals have suggested not to even attempt it, as it’s a procedure that will benefit no one, especially the patients, and is actually risking decades of progress achieved by the twins are similarly dismissed. Because why not?

”No one has attempted this before,” Fox shrugged, “so what can history teach you? Nothing. It’s certainly taught me and my team nothing. Well, except the bits about fascist takeovers of democracies for the personal enrichment of a tiny majority. But that’s nothing to do with this.”

And how will you personally prepare for the operation?

”I don’t need to,” he smiled, “as advised I removed my brain years ago. Everything since points to my success in that endeavour. This will be the easiest surgery of its kind in history.”

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Nigel Farage denies ever having met Donald Trump

LCD Views can report this morning that man of the people Nigel Farage has issued a statement denying ever having met President Donald Trump.

In the statement, written in Cyrillic and read out aloud via a translator on Mr Farage’s hourly BBC bulletin, the champion of British democracy attempted to squash suggestions he was personally known to the forty fifth president of the United States of America, who appears to be having some minor legal issues.

Why Mr Farage had someone else read out his statement and didn’t personally do it is not clear, but is presumed to be related to him frenetically packing a bag and trying to book a flight to anywhere.

We spoke to a world renowned psychologist who specialises in adult male relationships, coincidentally focused on organised crime and conspiracies in international statecraft, to learn more about the attempt to create distance.

”Nigel is working on the tried and tested formula of treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen,” Doctor Whatthefuckisthisdoyouhaveitinamedium? told us via a secure Skype connection,

“he believes that Mr Trump will be in need of friends right now. Nigel is also in need of friends. He’s hoping that by allegedly publicly lying about his alleged work as a go-between in an international kleptocratic, fascist conspiracy to turn the U.K. and USA into countries with feudal systems of government focused on money laundering and far right politics it will lead to Mr Trump reaching out to him to shore up his own position as the long arm of the law encircles Trump ever more tightly. Although it’s more likely Trump is just going to throw Mr Farage and anyone else he can think of under a bus as he spirals down insane into the pit he’s spent a lifetime digging.”

What you’ve said Doctor is mostly a jumble of nonsense except for the ending. Do you think it’s feasible that when the long arm of the law has finished encircling Trump and holding him tight the fingertips will brush Nigel’s shoulders?

”Highly probable the nails will dig right in actually,” the Doctor replied, “and grip and drag Nigel down wailing and screaming into a legal abyss focused on treason along with certain other prominent Brexiters.”

You can already see the mini-series on TV.

”Yes. Which is nice, because otherwise it would have been the face of Big Brother.”

We would like to personally wish Mr Farage luck and hope his butt checks aren’t currently clenched so tight as to cause him injury.

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Brexit negotiations outsourced to G4S

Privatisation is the answer to everything. So, in a move which has surprised most commentators, the stalled Brexit negotiations have been outsourced to G4S.

Government duty flunkey Derry Liction explained the position to LCD Views. “The private sector delivers results cheaply and efficiently,” he prevaricated. “This is a move designed to make a success of negotiations, avoid the costs, and most of all wash our hands of all responsibility for it.”

Why G4S? After all, they couldn’t do a very good job of running Birmingham Prison.

“On the contrary,” countered Liction. “They did an excellent job. Their job was to make the prison act as a deterrent. So the reports of drugs, vomit, cockroaches and rats are all correct, and part of the strategy. Prisoners are in fear for their lives. It’s all good. After all, prisons are not meant to be holiday camps!”

In that case, why has Birmingham Prison been taken over again by the government?

“It’s the fault of hand-wringing do-gooder Guardian-reading snowflakes,” said Liction grumpily. “Some so-called bleeding-heart liberal whinger found out about it and created a stink. Well, there was outrage, so something had to be done. Don’t worry, the boys at G4S will be richly compensated for this unfortunate downturn in their business.”

What makes G4S a suitable Brexit negotiator?

“As I said, they bring good value for money,” he said. “They know what they are doing. What we need is security. Like, Oi, Germany, you ain’t coming in ‘ere with trainers on! Oi, France, bog off, come back when you’re young and pretty! Hey Spain, castanets are banned and so are you mate! If they want to come into this country they have to respect the dress code and British customs.”

Like getting bladdered on watered-down lager and picking a fight with anyone who looks vaguely foreign?

“Quite,” said Liction smugly. “They will capitulate in no time. It’s that simple.”

What could possibly go wrong?

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Top Trumps releases Trump only Top Trumps set

The popular children’s card game company Top Trumps has announced that it is to launch a new set containing only cards featuring DONALD TRUMP.

“We toyed with the idea of a set featuring all the members of his extended Trump family but we realised that in every single imaginable category Donald was the smartest, the richest, the bigliest, the mostest, the topliest and the bestest, so why bother with the rest of them,” explained  company CEO Mike “only 50” Pence.

Pence conceded that with the new DONALD TRUMP Top Trumps set only containing cards featuring DONALD TRUMP it will be impossible for any one player to win.

“Then again, no one loses – it’s a win-win situation just like the Trump presidency,” he explained pointing to the record popularity of the former reality TV host and property mogul turned president.

“Hardly a day goes by without some current or former senior staffer being called to meet with that Mr Mueller, some are even wanted by the Police and the FBI – that’s how popular this administration is,” he added.

In fact Pence explained that given the anticipated popularity of the DONALD TRUMP Top Trumps set, the companies planning to rush release a second set of TRUMP HATE FIGURES.

“Crooked Hilary, the lying fake media, Mexicans, Obama, Little Rocket man, Liberals, snowflakes, Blacks, Muslims, they’ll all be in there. The only challenge is to find suitable categories for them to compete on,” he explained.

“Other than the intensity of The President’s hatred of them of course,” he added winking.

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Privately run prison takes over “failing” UK government

Privately-run Strangeways Prison in Manchester, announced Tuesday that it has taken over the Government of the United Kingdom after executives concluded that “drastic action” was needed to address failings in administration as the, increasingly rat infested, country teeters towards a “no deal” Brexit.

Officials from operators “Strangeways Plc”, confirmed early Monday that trained prison offers and security officers had been sent into 10 Downing Street, parliament, and all major ministries following concerns over safety, security and the future economic well being of the country taking advantage of the fact that having sent parliament into recess, Theresa May, most of her cabinet and even Brexit hard liners like Boris Johnson, had all buggered off on holiday until September.

Strangeways CEO, Frank Boddington said: “We have the spectacle of a government relaxing in the idyllic setting of their Tuscany summer houses while the country plunges off an economic cliff. We had no choice but to intervene and bring our expertise to bear on the situation.”

According to Boddington with over a decade of experience of running one of the UK’s toughest prisons, Strangeways is ideally equipped to take over running the entire country.

“We feed clothe, house and care for hundreds of the most dangerous people in the country, managing a country of angry proles, eating from food banks will be a doddle – there’ll be no food and medicine shortages on our watch,” he promised.

Boddington explained, that once a planned overhaul of the tax system has been fully implemented and super rich tax evaders limited to a weekly income of £4.60 plus a small tin of rolling tobacco and a packet of Rizlas, there will be plenty of resources to fund the NHS and all other public services.

“And if any potential tax dodgers think they can slip away unnoticed to a convenient tax haven, they’d better think again,” he warned, explaining out that the prison, which celebrates its 150th anniversary this year had never experienced a single successful break out.

“Unless we include those via the execution block on B wing,” he winked, pointing out that equally no one had ever succeeded in breaking into Strangeways, making his prison the ideal body to administer immigration policy.

However the shock move came in for strong criticism from self appointed next prime minister in waiting, the right honourable Sir Jacob Rees Mogg, UHOA, STFU, and bar.

Sir Rees-Mogg pointed out that other than managing a closed environment, from which entry and exit were strictly monitored, maintaining law and order, discipline, health and safety and keeping to strict budgetary limits, a private prison company simply doesn’t have the experience or the skill set to manage an entire country plunging headfirst into penury and despotism.

Speaking from his newly opened hedge fund headquarters, in the 40th floor penthouse office suite of O’Rees-Mogg towers, Dublin Sir Jacob O’Rees-Mogg was adamant.

” There’s only one company that can successfully manage to help the United Kingdom realise its destiny as a badly run, impoverished third world prison camp, and that’s, Tory Party PLC, run by me, he crowed adding that it must be true because his nanny agrees.

“And Nanny Bannon is always right, far, far right,” he smirked.

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WestEnders

An everyday tale of Westminster folk.

“’Ere, Boris, you stay out of trouble, d’yer ‘ear me!” shouted Theresa at her wayward son. “And stop draggin’ little Michael into yer dodgy business!”

“I’m goin’ to make you proud of me, mum!” promised Boris, fingers crossed behind his back. He shambled out of the house, with little Michael in his wake. “’Ere, Mikey, let’s see wot Nigel is floggin’ dahn the market today.”

“Sovereignty! Sovereignty! Get yer sovereignty ‘ere!” called wide-boy Nigel, handing out purple-and-yellow flags. “Blue passports, almost as good as the red ones but cheaper! Oi, Mustapha, get yer filthy mockers off my sovereignty! Be off wiv yer!”

“Morning, Nige,” said Boris. “’Ow do yer fancy goin’ into partnership? I’ve been floggin’ dodgy goods for years. It’s the best game in the world, innit!” Michael nodded eagerly.

“Yeah, we could make a killin’!” agreed Nigel. “Let’s frash aht the details over a pint in the King Dick.” Arron, the landlord of the imposing Victorian pub, The King Richard, was just opening up.

“’Ey, Jeremy, mind the stall fer us fer a bit will yer? Ta,” shouted Boris to his loveable loser of a cousin. “Free pints of Bilge please, Arron.”

“Nuffin’ dodgy in this joint today, boys,” warned Arron, pouring the beer. “Not unless yer give me a cut!”

“Yer on!” said Boris. “’Ere, Arron, wot King is this pub named after?”

“The Lion’eart, innit,” replied Arron. “’E went off crusadin’, duffin’ up lots of forriners in the name of Saint George, bless ‘im. Nah, wot’s the plan?”

“I got all this sovereignty, right, and blue passports and stuff dahn the lock-up,” confided Nigel. “I’m sellin’ Ingerland by the paahnd!”

The door burst open. In strode Theresa, hair awry and eyes blazing. “Oi, Boris, wot did I tell yer?” she yelled. “Get back in the ‘ouse right now! Michael, I’m ashamed of yer, ‘angin’ round wiv this bunch of crooks. ‘Ome! Now!”

“Nah, not comin’,” said Boris. “’Ere, missus, ‘ave a flag and some free sovereignty!” added Nigel. “And tell that useless toerag Jeremy to close up the stall for us, ta!”

Theresa stumbled out again, wondering what she had done wrong, raising a couple of villains.

Drums. Theme tune. More of the same every flippin’ night until you believe it’s for real.

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We might make a better job of Brexit if you pay us more, say MPs

Brexit is not going terribly well. But now we know why. According to experts, who, coincidentally, are also pro-Brexit MPs, it is because we are not paying them enough.

Leading Brexiteer Sir Sendham Holme MP was adamant. “All these trips to the continent cost money,” he bluffed. “Last time, I had to slum it in a four-star hotel and drink non-vintage champagne. How anyone thinks we can negotiate a successful deal under these conditions is quite beyond me.”

“It’s totally unacceptable,” agrees Sir Rich Liszt MP. “My latest trip to Brussels to bang some bloody sense into their thick skulls would have gone so much better if only I had not been flying economy class and they had provided me with a limo. And there’s even a fountain there that pisses on us, like the EU pisses on our economy!”

Their arch-druid Jacob Rees-Mogg remains tight-lipped, on nanny’s orders, although he is understood to be upset about travel expenses now the EU has forced him to move his business over there.

The chairman of the Expenses (And Other Such Shit) Committee, Sir Titan D. Pursestrings, was not amused. “MPs are already paid in excess of £70,000 a year,” he confirmed. “In addition, some, like Sir Sendham and Sir Rich, have vast personal fortunes, and treat their MP’s salary as pocket money. This committee is committed to commission commensurate compensation if an MP is seriously out of pocket in the line of his duties. However, since these chancers voted for Brexit and are doing no other work than schmoozing around Europe, they can get stuffed!”

During the course of this statement, Sir Titan was relieved of his duties, denounced as a traitor in the Daily Mail, and replaced by Sir Finn Gersinthetill.

What price Brexit? Even if we, as a country, hand over all our assets and revenues, it will surely be worth it. If only for our loyal avaricious MPs.

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Top Brexiters slam EU for forcing U.K. to hold EUref in the first place

Top Brexiters have become even more offensive today as they take the fight to avoid personal accountability for the clusterfuck the U.K. is rapidly becoming direct to Brussels.

”It’s the EU’s fault for forcing Westminster to hold the 2016 EU referendumb in the first place,” A Piercing-Idiot told LCD Views.

“The EU is far from perfect, but endangering our central place in the power structures of the largest trading bloc on Earth? By forcing David Cameron’s hand? Lest he lose a few more votes to deluded racists? And now forcing us to leave without a viable deal? Well, that’s not cricket. It’s the French and the Germans, they’ve never gotten over Britain defeating them in the world wars.”

And Peircing-Idiot isn’t alone. Figel Barrage. Jacob Reeks-smogg. Iain Duncan Isacompleteidiot and numerous others who would have likely been for appeasement in the late 1930’s are gearing up to make sure everyone in the U.K. knows exactly who is to blame.

”Whose fault will it be when we make a concerted effort to takeover the Conservative Party and install an absolute sociopath who thinks poor people starve because they’re too lazy to hunt?” Piercing-Idiot wanted to know.

“Whose fault will it be when we refuse to negotiate and stick to our red lines that intentionally contradict the legal treaties and agreed principles of the EU? Making it impossible for them to give us a viable deal? It’s not like we want a complete disaster to profit from.”

Good questions.

”Whose fault will it be when we ration bread and aspirins and the police die of exhaustion stopping hoodies raiding LIDL?”

I think you can stop asking the questions now Piercing-Idiot. We will know exactly whose fault it is and it won’t be the EU we blame. It’ll be you.

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Makers of “Life of Jeremy” deny it’s just “Life of Brian” digitally altered to slap JC’s face in every scene

The makers of ‘Life of Jeremy’, the long anticipated sequel to Monty Python’s smash hit, ‘Life of Brian’ have denied it’s just the “Life of Brian” digitally altered to put Jeremy Corbyn’s face on top of Graham Chapman’s in every scene of the original.

“It’s an entirely original work,” Mr Red Squeak, who fronts one of the dozens of separate digital media outfits set up to promote the cult of JC, said while attempting to appear independent.

”It’s a bold biopic of the life of a man who goes from a nobody, who can pretty much hang out with anyone because no one cares, to someone suddenly headed for a very public crucifixion.”

But film buffs are taking some convincing.

”The film’s tag line is a bit of a giveaway,” Mr Probably A-Tory Stooge said, “He is the messiah and he’s not a naughty boy? What are you supposed to make of that?”

Make of it what you will, we figured. You don’t need to follow him, You don’t need to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’ve all got to vote in line with your principles as you live in a democracy. For a little bit longer anyway, until Brexit demolishes the whole show. And who is supporting Brexit?

”It’s transparently just an attempt at propaganda,” the film buff added, “it’s clearly Jeremy Corbyn. You’ve got a moderately talented man who has has initiated no successful legislation in thirty five years in parliament, suddenly caught up in events he doesn’t have the skills to navigate, by virtue of being promoted beyond his level of competency, which is Westminster in a nutshell at the moment,

”But millions are prepared to unquestioningly follow him. And to round on anyone who questions his decisions,

”That’s until he’s set up, nailed up to a metaphorical cross and publicly crucified. And the group he thinks are coming to save him are just a suicide squad publicly committing suicide under his feet. Which pretty much sums up the campaigning style of his strongest supporters.”

Still, the film is set for national release, timed to coincide with the late 2018 GE.

”They should at least change the tag line,” the film buff added.

What to?

”How about he’s not an anti-Semite, he’s a very naughty boy?”

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Man shows compassionate side by laying wreath

Pictures have come to light recently of a man laying a wreath on the grave of a murderer. According to the press, this shows his compassionate side.

“The man wished to remain anonymous,” explained Miss Leigh Ding of the Daily Mail. “But we thought it right and proper to let the public know what sort of man they had to contend with.”

Surely, laying a wreath at a murderer’s grave means that the man is a terrorist sympathiser, and not fit to hold public office?

“But the murderer repented,” argued Ding. “Forgiveness is the highest virtue. This shows that the man has such a big heart, it makes me weep with pure joy.”

This happened four years ago, it’s hardly newsworthy.

“The public need to be reminded, daily, about this man’s character,” Ding scolded. “How else will they respond to the man in the right fashion?”

Let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment. Imagine that the man in the cemetery had been Jeremy Corbyn.

“He always has sinister motives,” responded Ding without thinking. “He would have been there to celebrate terrorism, and we would have shouted about it in a self-righteous manner. It’s in our editorial guidelines.”

What else do they say?

“They are Orwellian in their simplicity,” she said. “Right wing good, left wing bad. You do know that sinister means left, don’t you? And right means correct?”

Does this explain your rabid pro-Brexit reporting too?

“Naturally,” she replied. “Brexit is a far right policy. That means it must be very right indeed. Anything anti-Brexit must therefore be very wrong. It’s that simple!”

Even if the referendum was fraudulent? Even if Brexit is based on lies and fantasies? Even if the likes of Boris Johnson flout the rules and behave disgracefully?

“Of course. Brexit is right, and right means right. Hey, you sound a bit anti-Brexity now! Out, damned traitor! Enemy of the people! Saboteur!”

The compassionate man is taking Corbyn to court to answer charges of treason. The Daily Mail will act as judge, jury and executioner.