BBC to celebrate the war efforts of Lord Haw-Haw

The BBC has announced it is to celebrate the war efforts of famous British patriot Lord Haw-Haw in a special series of interruptions to what they now call journalism.

”It’s a high production special,” BBC commissions editor Nigel Farage told LCD Views, “and working hand in glove with start up production company Bannon and Johnson and Gove and Putin and Mercer and Wigmore and Banks and Assange and Patel and Bannerman and Koch and Koch and Le Penn and Grimes and Alan and Dorries and Rees-mogg we are going to make a success of it.”

It’s believed the inspiration for the special comes after the rip roaring success of the production special ‘Rivers of Blood’ by E Powell, which in no way was an irresponsible and ghastly thing to do as the fascists rise again in the Western Hemisphere.

”Lord Haw-Haw has been unfairly maligned by vested interests,” a random Tory MEP explained a day or two from now on Twitter, “I mean, both sides used propaganda during WW2. Why should one actor be deemed a traitor when the others were doing the same?”

Calls for a pardon are expected to follow the series of specials and even the potential of a statue on Westminsrer Green.

”You can see just how fucked the U.K. currently is with both main political leaders committed to the hard right lies and con of Brexit,” the random MEP accidentally added, “and now we have elected MPs campaigning on behalf of a patsy who broke electoral law, well, how far can we sink?”

The BBC has further added that a companion broadcast explaining that Lord Haw-Haw was working with the Nazi’s has been canned because it would risk ruining the new narrative they are helping the government establish.

Premiership footballers to get performance related pay

As the new football season begins, we recognise the familiar signs, especially the public complaining about the inflated salaries the top players get, disproportionate to any actual talent they might have and serving only to bolster their egos.

We all know how it goes, we’ve heard it before. Well, this year, it’s going to be different. According to the latest press releases, the Premier League are taking action to put the top names in their proper place. An announcement was made by the Premiership Pay Inspector (PPI) Hugh Payham-Wright:

“Everybody moans about the massive salaries that these stars get when they do little to earn it. So we’re taking action. As of this season, all players in the Premier League will receive performance-related pay on a weekly basis.”

When asked how that would work, the PPI replied simply:

“If they win their game that week, they get a full week’s pay. If they draw, they get half pay. If they lose, they get nothing. Same as the league points system really. It will cut the wages budget in half overnight.”

So this means we will be able to track how much a team’s players are getting paid by viewing their position on the league table?

“Exactly. It’ll give them an incentive to really do their best every week rather than just jog around a pitch trying to look glamorous for ninety minutes.”

But what about players who don’t play that week?

“Players who aren’t picked to go on the pitch at all that week get a quarter of their full wage. It’s not fair to penalise them if they didn’t get the chance to do anything, but we can’t reward them either. Equally, players on the substitutes bench will get a third for the same reasons.”

The move has proven popular with the public, less so with the players. Striker Ivan Mimunninow told the assembled press:

“It’s not fair. How do they expect footballers to live a life of luxury if they’re going to dock our pay for the slightest little thing? We’re footballers, we deserve our mansions and flashy cars, we shouldn’t have to do anything to earn them. Not even our jobs.”

This from a striker who has yet to score a goal in a premiership game.

Some members of the Combined Roster of Associated Players are taking action by setting up Gofundme pages, asking the public to contribute tens of thousands to fund their lavish lifestyles, while other C.R.A.P. players are talking about instigating legal action against the Premiership Pay Inspector, believing they were mis-sold on his intentions when the PPI took up his position.

We await the results – and indeed the results of the results – with baited breath.

Cornwall to build hundreds of new coves in preparation for smugglers post Brexit

Cornwall is set for a construction tidal wave with the announcement that the Home Office is finalising plans to construct hundreds of new prime location coves.

”Just imagine the view,” a spokesman for the department told LCD Views, “and then imagine spending your summer with a pick and a shovel in hand preparing Cornwall for life after Brexit.”

The pitch is a clear play for the lazy students that infest the country doing nothing of much use, while moaning about having over £50K in debt and no freedom of movement.

”If they’re too lazy to pick fruit,” Owen Paterson posted on Twitter, in support of the initiative, “they can at least knock a few rocks about in the southwest. It’s their patriotic duty. You don’t need a burgundy passport to leave your London swat and go to Cornwall. Yet.”

But critics of the plan have leapt on what they see as a flaw in the scheme.

”The plans show the new coves being built inland,” professional smuggler, Mrs Arrrrr, told us, while shouldering a barrel of rum, “It’s not much use to a pirate if you can’t access the cove from a safe anchor in an inlet. They’re just ditches. Someone could come to grief in them.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to chastise the limits on the thinking of so called experts like Mrs Arrrr. If we can’t think outside of the box, we’re not going to make the most of the opportunities presented by Brexit.

”This is a chance to trade with the world,” professional muppet Paterson opined, while sitting in his Chinese car, using his American designed phone and wearing his Australian made sheepskin boots, “mostly the trade will be in insulin, insults, blood products and fresh produce. And whatever else the EU has banned us producing in the U.K. for far too long. I say seize it with both hands and one leg. Arrrr indeed.”

Steve Bannon to wed Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage in Thames cruise threesome

The taste of Satan in love is set to ooze across the waters of the mighty river Thames with the announcement that Steve Bannon is to wed Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage in a Thames cruise threesome extravaganza.

”For some reason people have gotten it into their heads that Bannon is moving to Europe to both escape Mueller and to start a cohesive far right project designed to destroy civilisation as we know it. You know, finish off what those well tailored chaps started in the 1930’s and 40’s,” an aide to Bannon told us via a ouiji board.

But apparently that’s not true?

”Well, it’s sort of true,” the aide said, “as once this vile threesome gets together it will almost certainly open a portal into a dimension so full of cockwomble fascist idiocy I doubt the Ghostbusters will be able to stop the reign of nightmares, men or women doing the busting.”

Will there be a gift register so fans can throw their excrement at the threesome?

”Oh yes! Anything from WW2, well one side in particular. White bedsheets. Tiki torches. Offshore tax avoidance schemes. Subversion of democratic institutions through mass indoctrination of the non-critical thinking. Oh and if you don’t have a lot to give, just give your conscience and moral compass.”

Any special treats planned for the big ceremony?

”Blood sacrifice and the mass servitude of children,” the aide said, “oh and fish. A hell of a lot of fish.”

What will the fish do?

”They’ll be thrown into the Thames by the bucket full dead. As that’s the way Nigel likes it.”

Will there be TV coverage?

”BBC and Fox News are co-producing the coverage. Because that’s how we roll in the U.K. in the grip of historical amnesia.”

Sounds fantastic!

“And wait until you hear how the three are spending their honeymoon.”

Do tell?

”In David Cameron’s Shepherd’s Hut shed.”

Why there?

”Because he’s the gutless twat that started it. Sadly he can’t be there for ceremony, as he’s now living in Nice.”

Nice.

”No. Nice.”

May proposes creation of far-right European “super state”

British prime minister Theresa May travelled to the Austrian capital Vienna Friday in an effort to gain the support of far right Austrian chancellor Sebastian Kurz for a revised version of her Chequers Brexit plan, following the summary rejection of the original version by the EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier.

A spokesmann for 10 Downing Strasse confirmed that under the new revised plan, instead of leaving the EU, as was previously proposed under Brexit, Britain, or specifically England, will instead head a new coalition of far right European States to be called “Größeres Europa”.

The new entity will be governed not by the democratically elected European parliament in Brussels, but by a small clique of like minded übermensch, und wömensch in some really nicely tailored uniforms from a small chalet in the Austrian alps, he explained.

“Zis iz ze plan. Ze volk have spolken,” he punned, clicking his heels together, and purposefully holding down his right arm with his left.

With the two leaders locked in delicate talks over which one of them will get to invade Poland and establish “work camps”  for “auslander” and untermensch from outside the new union, a spokeswoman for Kurz, Anna Scluss confirmed that the Austrian leader was fully in support of the plan.

“Wir vorseehen ein glorious future. Tomorrow belongen to UNS!” she shouted.

Emerging from her meeting resplendent in a tasteful grey matching jacket and skirt, trimmed with highly fashionable deaths heads and lightning flashes, together with matching patent leather jackboots. May was equally upbeat.

“Ein Raab, ein Volk, Ein Brexit Mainz Brexit,” she roared, goose stepping round Vienna’s main square, Stephansplatz whilst explaining to confused observers that “ze final solution” for the Irish border problem is to subsume the formerly independent Irish republic into her new “Größeres Europa”, fascist state.

“Kein borders, kein problem – es ist zat simplische,” she spat, lapsing momentarily out of her Boy’s Own Annual German back into English to explain:

“A single European state, with no internal borders, ruled centrally by a clique of unelected, swivel eyed, right wing dictators – so simple you have to wonder why no one thought of it before,” she beamed munificently.

UK to fight next European war against itself while Europe watches

World War Three is almost upon us. The signs are all present: a government out of control, the press propagating propaganda, and stockpiling food.

The only difference this time is that the aggressor is not the Germans. The UK is going, gloriously, to war against the UK.

The traitors, saboteurs and enemies of the people will line up against the moderates who would rather stay in the EU.

People holidaying on beaches are preparing to fight for the right to erect a blue flag.

A flotilla of lilos and other inflatables is being prepared to rescue valiant Tommy Robinson supporters from the sandbanks, cut off by the rising tide.

Ration books are being produced, secretly, on the cheap in France. They will serve no valid purpose, but will raise morale by having blue covers.

The cry of “Dig For Britain!” has gone up. This means trendy people in London will be able to harvest their own avocados by the time other food supplies are cut off next March.

Meanwhile in mainland Europe, amusement reigns. “Ve vill vatch vhile zey beat zemselves up,” said Hans Together, rubbing his palms. “And none of ze scheisse about ze Chermans putting towels down!”

“Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘ilarious,” agreed Cherie Picking. “‘op off, you rosbifs! And ’ands off le vin blanc and le Camembert!”

Hard cheese for the valiant Brits in their uncivil war is the message from Europe, it seems and only the devotees of the cult of Farage are surprised.

The BBC is doing its bit for the war effort. It is producing a special edition of Casualty, in which the patient is the truth.

The death penalty is being brought back, for “people we don’t like,” according to a government spokesman. People are rejoicing as traditional trades, like constructing gallows, return.

So the Wars of the Passports are due to kick off. It’s burgundy versus blue. Sharpen your rhetoric and polish your speeches. Don’t forget your tinfoil hats!

Arsonist says people should take reassurance and comfort in plan to put sand in red bucket labelled ‘FIRE’

An arsonist has spoken out today to allay concerns that burning the entire country to the ground for the profit of an internationalist clique of kleptocrats and neocons may cause a few issues, not least with housing stocks, by saying a contingency to fight the fire they have started is being put in place.

“People should take reassurance and comfort in my plan to put sand in a red bucket and label it ‘FIRE’,” the firestarter commented,

“also in the irony that the tin foil hat brigade who have said there is an international conspiracy to take over the world and subvert western democracy may finally have been proven correct. Which is nice. Even if the conspirators are different to those usually listed. Wish fulfilment is lovely. It’s what I strive for daily.”

The fire safety measure, labelled ‘Bucket of sand’, will see one red bucket labelled ‘FIRE’ placed on a sandy beach somewhere in the U.K., so it can easily be refilled after use.

”There is absolutely nothing to worry about,” the arsonist said, while idly striking matches along a match box and flicking them at pieces of paper with ‘rights’ scrawled across them.

”Food supplies. Medicine. Utilities and transport maybe affected by the blazing inferno that I am helping fan across our United Kingdom, but there is nothing to worry about. Bucket means bucket.”

Asked if there were additional measures people could take if they were worried about the flames now consuming centuries of progress concerning representative democracy, the arsonist had some neat advice.

”Go and stand by the red bucket full of sand labelled fire.”

And then what?

”Stick your head in it,” she smiled, “if enough people continue to do just that it will ensure we make a success of Brexit.”

Celebrity Chefs race to publish first post Brexit cookbook

Celebrity chefs up and down the country are rushing to publish cook books focusing on post-Brexit budget cooking, in time for the Christmas market,  LCD Views can reveal.

According to information passed to LCD Views’ gastronomy correspondent, Gaz Patchio, those racing to cash in on the predicted post Brexit demand for austerity cuisine include TV chefs, Delia Smith, Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson as well as late lamented globe totting soused chef Keith Floyd.

A representative for Delia Smith confirmed that the much loved septuagenarian, billionaire football club owner is preparing a book entitled “A Feast for Brexit”, that will focus on the absolute basics required to survive in a country ravaged by food shortages, rationing, riots, famine, plague and starvation.

“She is preparing step by step guides to preparing such survival staples as Stone Soup, Hard Tack, Iron Rations, Ship’s Biscuit and Porridge, as well as new “economy” twists on green salad – made with grass and leaves, “Bread and Butter Pudding” – made without bread or butter, “Beef Wellington”, without the beef but with real wellingtons, and of course “Eggs over Easy”, which trust me, without the eggs is an absolute doddle to prepare,” she explained.

“Obviously in post-Brexit Britain meat will be at a premium so the only meat recipes included are those using animals we believe housewives will be able to forage for themselves such as “Toad in the Hole” – made with real toads, “Hot Dogs” – using parts of real dogs, and pies made from four and twenty blackbirds,” she added explaining that there would of course be a measurements guide to help scale down volumes as starvation kicks in and families become smaller.

Commenting on Oliver’s latest literary plans one of “Jamie’s people” commented: “Gor blimey, wicked, pukka innit, lovely jubbly, nice pressie…” before being summarily sacked.

A spokesman for Nigella Lawson confirmed that her new book, “Nigella’s Red, White and Blue Brexit Feast” will include some recipes aimed at lower budgets but will primarily focus on making the best of new ingredients that become available.

“She has already created quite a splash inviting British cooks to dive in at the deep end with her much publicised “Chicken Swimming Pool”, recipe using chlorinated factory chicken from the US, and its more upmarket variant “Chicken Lido”, but she felt it was time to air some new recipes, in time for Christmas” he said.

Central to the new book will be a complete guide to preparing the ideal spread for the festive season.

“Frankly everyone is a bit tired of chomping on boring old turkey for days, so why not splash out and chomp down IN Turkey for days – you’d be surprised how cheap it is to rent a private jet for the flight out, and villas on the Turkish Riviera are very reasonable out of season,” he smirked, pointing out that as a net food exporter Turkey won’t be suffering any post Brexit shortages.

A suggestion eagerly seconded by pukka tucker maker Oliver who pointed that if post Brexit food prices soar too high, starving Brits could do worse than fly themselves off to the med coast where they can feast on fresh cheap produce in abundance.

“Assuming post Brexit, the EU will give them a visa,” he accepted.

Questioned by reporters as to whether their rush to cash in on post Brexit food shortages might not be seen as being “in bad taste” and whether they might want to help their starving country folk by donating to food banks or helping out at “soup kitchens” all were in agreement.

“As a practising Catholic and labour voter, of course I believe strongly in the importance of charity but I’ve already donated a whole loaf and two fishes to my local food bank and if they can’t make that go round, well the people have spoken,” explained Delia.

Jamie Oliver too was quick to point out the sterling work he has already put in banging on about healthy diets for kids in a whole list of sponsorship and promotion deals and of course through his million selling cookbooks.

“Get in there with yer bookshop, whack it on the counter, a quick drizzle of Visa and a dash of PIN – sorted,” he smiled.

Nigella for her part pointed out that as the daughter of former conservative chancellor Nigel Lawson, famed for his tax cuts for the rich and budgetary austerity, the idea of giving away, money, food or even time to the poor was completely anathema to her.

“We must all make the best of what we have, and people should learn to help themselves,” she said, adding that of course she didn’t mean help themselves from supermarket shelves, because they would of course already have been long emptied.

The final word on post Brexit culinary austerity though, comes from late lamented globe trotting gastronome and TV star, Keith Floyd, included for the sole reason that being long dead he can’t sue for libel.

“I think Jonathan Swift perfectly outlined the options for the poor in his famous essay, “A Modest Proposal”,” he explained, quoting from memory:

“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout.”

“Although obviously some juicy red onions and fresh plum tomatoes diced and fried with generous handfulls of fresh herbs and the juice of a lime wouldn’t go amiss,” he snorted, reaching for the bucket of red wine.

 

Dominic Raab promoted to Minister for Adequate Stockpiling

The man nominally in charge at the DExEU now has extra responsibilities. One, obviously, is accumulating moderate amounts of food in the increasingly likely instance of a no deal Brexit.

It takes a small amount of judgement to decide what passes as ‘adequate’, but any old fool can stockpile groceries. Raab is ideally qualified.

He is also charged with doing an outstandingly poor job in order to make his predecessor seem competent.

Any old fool can also make David Davis look like a lazy, over-promoted buffoon. This, by way of contrast, makes Raab’s job almost impossible.

Raab, however, has already made an outstanding start. In issuing empty threats to the EU and having his role as chief negotiator taken away from him, Davis’ old dunce’s cap is fitting very nicely. And if the cap fits…

“Dominic hash filled my clown shoes admirably,” Davis hiccupped from amidst a pile of empty bottles in a wine cellar somewhere in France.

“I pulled rank by losing rank to make a more junior Tory look like a fucking idiot and make myself look good.”

Davis paused to knock back another bottle.

“Tell young Dominic it’sh a job for life,” he slurred, gesticulating vaguely.

“Eashy peashy. Shit around doing shod all and shounding shtrong. Shtrong and shtable.”

He collapsed gently, lovingly caressing his bottle.

“Shtrong and shtable, shtrong and shtable!”

Back at the Department for Exiting The Department for Exiting the EU, Raab was glowing with pride.

“Look!” he said, pointing to a selection of shopping bags.

“I’ve been shopping! Who knew that Tesco had shops in London? And it’s so much cheaper than Harrod’s! Did you know they do baked beans with sausages in? It’s a whole new world!”

“It will make the budget stretch that much further, Raab continued.

“Every little helps. I need enough food to last 50 years. This is going to be easy!”

And with that, he summoned the departmental limo to take him to the nearest Aldi.

The government advises everyone to go out panic buying so they can get a feel for Brexit Britain even before the glorious reality happens.

Supermarket day trading records smashed as public react to government promise food supplies will be ‘strong and stable’

The value of one pot noodle (unopened, mint condition) soared today as frenetic trading occurred in the aisles of the United Kingdom’s major supermarkets, smashing one day trading records for major supermarkets.

“Theresa Maybe went onto the tele and said food supplies would be strong and stable in the event of a no deal Brexit,” supermarket analyst Mister Supermarket told our groceries and sundries correspondent,

“following on from that plank Raab saying stockpiled supplies would be adequate, well, it was a red rag to a angry bull. I mean, can you name me one thing this Conservative administration has not completely balls-ed up in it’s time in office? One thing?

“No. I didn’t think so. If you think they’re going to make sure you have food and medicine after they succeed in smashing every single trading link we have with the world, well, I’ve a famous bridge to sell you.”

It seems long life and easy storage were the key phrases as first the noodles, then the rice and later just as many bags of sugar as people could carry, were ferried out of the stores in anticipation of the sort of mass chaos a global conflict can only visit on a developed nation.

“Trading in honey was particularly strong,” Mister Supermarket said, “as early adopters of the bull strategy in long life grocery commodities snapped up the jars and easy squeeze plastic bottles, before selling them on secondary exchanges.”

But the pot noodle was the clear prize and any supermarket with boxes in reserve cleaned up.

“Everyone loves some noodles,” our correspondent said, “and when all you need to do to preserve the commodity is keep it out of the reach of your children, well, a cupboard with a lock and you’re sitting on a runaway stock. The key problem faced by the sharp traders will be whether or not to sell the pot for a massive gain or hold onto it so they have something to fucking eat next year.”