Trump warns Montenegro to cancel plans for global domination

Serial real-estate bankrupt, and 45th president of the United States Donald Trump Thursday issued a stern warning to the tiny Balkan republic of Montenegro, to reel in its plans for total global domination.

“We’ve had all kinds of problems with uppity negrans in America, there was one family in my house – we’re still cleaning the mess they left –  peaced everywhere. The last thing we want is more negran problems in Europe,” he warned.

“This is what happens when you have uncontrolled immigration, millions of negrans migrate to Europe and start their own countries,” he said.

“How did they get away with that – no one really knows, it’s kind of a mystery..” he explained, pointing out that moving north out of Africa had brought out their natural aggression.

“Montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people … They’re very aggressive people. They may get aggressive, and congratulations, you’re in world war three,” he cautioned explaining that you can tell the difference between Mountienegrans and or’nry negrans by the wide brimmed pointed hats and red tunics they wear.

“Like Canadians in disguise… lucky we built a wall and stopped them from crossing the border,” he smirked explaining that he had instructed his sons Donald Junior, Eric, Barron and Adolf never to go there.

“Blame…Canada…Africa…Montenegro…they’re the axis of evil, or at least that’s what my good friend Vladimir tells me to say” he warned darkly, apparently unaware that Montenegro is in Europe, its 630,000 population mostly speak Serbo-Croat and their 2,000 strong military would have trouble invading a house party.

The Editor Comments – if you think this attempt at satire is absurd, chew on this: One of these “quotes” is genuine. Trump really did warn that Montenegro could start WW3.

And, of course, promised that non of his sons, who all suffer from hereditary bone spurs, would be fighting in it..

Up Boriscope! Brexit edition: predictions for 2019

Cripes, the Telegraph’s bigwigs want more predictions from me. This time, none of that Sagittarius nonsense. Once we are free of the bullying EU, dictating our superstitions from Brussels, we can make our own British star signs. So here goes!

Cricket (any year England won the Ashes): Life is all Pimm’s and cucumber sandwiches without the crusts. You will thrive in 2019 because you are well-connected and wealthy. See you at Lord’s old boy.

Drizzle (summer holidays except 1976): You miserable shower, always being a wet blanket and damping down hopes. Brexit will rain on your parade.

Milkman (absent father): What a complete bastard. Your mother took delivery of the wrong sort of cream, and you too will always pop up in the wrong place.

Gooseberry Bush (virgin birth): Your mother claims never to have had (whisper it) ((S.E.X.)). As a result, your repressed passion and closeted homosexually will lead to you embracing fascism instead.

Stork (embarrassed parents): More accurately, stalk. More precisely, your father’s stalk. You are an utter knob and will champion the cause of some unworthy loser like Tommy Robinson.

Yuppie (1980s): Irresponsible free marketer now in seedy middle age. With all the depth of a dried-up puddle and your glory days long behind you, jump on the Brexit bandwagon and push.

Mockney (1990s): Posh twat pretending to be working class, you will revert to type and thank your lucky stars that Daddy is a billionaire.

Expert (2000-2005): In your teens, you know everything except why nobody understands you. Go and do your homework before all the schools are shut down.

Dying Light (born before the Queen came to the throne): Rage is all you have left, now you are sans teeth, sans hearing, et cetera. Avoid pineapple at all costs.

Boris (my birthday!!!!!!): You’re the best. You will be Prime Minister! Yay!

Gosh, that was fun! See you again when I need another Brexit Dividend!

Parliamentary pairing scandal leads to identification of web government is caught within

LCD Views can report today that this week’s parliamentary pairing scandal has lead to an identification of the web the government is caught within.

”It’s great to finally have clarity,” Tory party chief whip Mr Dishonest told LCD Views, “hey! Do you think they can make me my own Mister Men book? A record of my challenge each day to not bullshit while smiling through my teeth and threatening backbench MPs with having their heads shoved inside Boris Johnson’s toilet?”

The scandal, which has succeeded in rocking a parliament already overflowing with scandals, came about after Conservative Party chairman Brandon Lewis and Chief Whip Mr Dishonest allegedly colluded to deceive Liberal Democrat Jo Swinson MP on the matter of pairing. This is where MPs votes are paired if one can’t be there to vote, to ensure the outcome of the vote is unaffected by an MP’s unavoidable absence.

”It’s great to trick a Libdem again,” Lewis chortled, “we played them like fiddles for five years in the parliament of 2010-2015. It was a laugh a minute. I mean, who trusts a Tory? Ha!”

The timing of the scandal is important too, as parliament is currently promoting women in parliament, to try and encourage more women to enter politics.

”We don’t want that really!” Lewis went on, “I’d like to thank Jo for giving me the opportunity to trick a new mother on maternity leave. Perfect bloody opportunity that was. Too good to miss.”

It’s also useful for showing everyone that just when you thought this current Conservative party of government had hit rock bottom when it comes to duplicity, they had further to go.

”We’re digging a basement under rock bottom,” Lewis said, “and we’re not done digging yet.”

Alrhough the scandal has called into question pairing for future votes, being that trust is key.

”Let’s hope the Lords react to this by turfing the affected legislation back to parliament and then we can pair off again! Don’t you love a functioning democracy!”

We used to…yes.

Hopefully next pairing will just be Tory with Tory so we can correctly label it a pair of cocks.

Brexit voter says he always knew leaving EU meant stockpiling food, fuel and medicines

LCD Views has hit the streets today and found them to be hard and unforgiving under our fist, even the ones with potholes. That being a futile exercise we decided to locate and talk to a Brexit voter to see what they have to say about the news of “technical notices” in the pipeline for voters.

”I won’t read them,” Mr K Ipper told us directly, “what’s the point?”

Apparently the point is to prepare you for the looming no deal Brexit scenario.

”I don’t need to prepare to get my country back.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile food.

”That’s project fear.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile candles.

”So? The lights went out all the time when I was young and it did no harm. It’ll force people to play board games again. Bring back a sense of community that’s been ripped from our homes by the unelected, undemocratic superstate EU.”

Stockpiling medicines you need and fuel?

”You ought to have a little faith in Britain and Brexit.”

Faith won’t cut through the mountain of treaties, legal obligations and so forth no deal Brexit is going to smash, thus rendering the U.K. at the stroke of a big hand on Big Ben isolated and underfed.

”Look you remoaniac, I always knew that when I voted Leave I was voting to stockpile long life food, medicines that control my otherwise life threatening medical condition and heating fuel. But it’s a price worth paying. You want to get behind Brexit and push.”

We went back to hitting the road. That activity, combined with slamming our head repeatedly into a brick wall, suddenly seeming less futile than talking to Mr K Ipper.

Alien visiting USA says he misspoke and meant to say “Do not take me to your leader” after meeting Trump

LCD Views has heard exclusively from an alien, visiting the United States from a distant galaxy, today who wishes to explain to everyone,

”When I said take me to your leader, what I actually meant to say was DO NOT, under no circumstances, take me to meet that lying, treasonous, Cheeto faced shitgibbon.”

It seems the alien, who gives his name as E.T., decided to revisit the Earth to discuss a sequel to a famous documentary he filmed on Earth nearly forty years ago.

”I didn’t think the documentary showed aliens in an accurate light,” E.T. explains,

“all the time I spent discussing how the greys are secretly on Earth, and have been for a very long time, solely to conduct internal examinations of white men who live in rural areas of the USA, all that was completely cut out,

”I was pretty unimpressed when the television signals finally reached my home planet and I got a look at the movie. I decided I had to return and demand the full story gets told.”

And it seems E.T. assumed that the film maker in question would be running the States by now and so landed on the White House lawn.

”I don’t know if you’ve seen the tape of me stepping out of the spaceship this morning and saying take me to your leader?”

We have.

”Yeah, that was when I misspoke. I mean we’ve got some crazy looking critters out in deep space. Also some downright deranged life forms roaming about. But nothing compares to whatever that insane orange mass is that’s currently pretending to be human in the Oval Office.”

Daily Telegraph’s new celebrity column entitled Boriscopes

The new quality offering from Boris Johnson will be supplemented by contributions from the mysterious Mystic Mogg.

LCD Views has received a draft copy, which we publish in full:

Well hello and confimbulations to my old chums at the Telegraph. I’m starting the Boriscopes with Cancer because reasons. Once more unto the breach…

Cancer: Crabby, moves sideways and lives under a stone. Cancers are bloody difficult women and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Angela Merkel and Arlene Foster are typical of the breed. You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger and tell him to *#@% off.

Leo: Does nothing for ages then suddenly pounces on the undeserving. Leos lie in the Sun, The Mail and the Express. Big pussycats include Barack Obama and Robert Mueller. You will discover a whole load of so-called truths and shout about them on social media.

Virgo: Upright, uptight and never caught with their pants down. Virgos relieve their pent-up passions by shafting their friends and international trade, like Michael Gove and Liam Fox do. Today is a good day to keep your head down, which is a nice way to remain pristine.

Libra: Chip on both shoulders, and holds the balance of power. Strong, stable and thoroughly decent, like Theresa May and Vladimir Putin. One of you will lose a penny and find a pound, the other will do the opposite.

Scorpio: Hidden depths, sting in the tail – or just overrated arachnids? Hillary Clinton and Jeremy C. Hunt are Scorpios, so you decide. Find a hole to hide in.

Sagittarius: Mythical creature firing mythical arrows, like Jean-Claude Juncker and Anna Soubry. Nothing to see here. Enjoy the unicorns.

Capricorn: Fights like a goat, looks like a goat, brains of a goat. Michel Barnier and David Davis are perfect examples of the breed. Quit while you are behind.

Aquarius: Aquarians have an air of competence and modernity, like Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle. Seriously folks, if your birthday is in February, avoid politics. Leave it to the experts!! Enjoy your extra day every four years.

Pisces: Slippery, fishy, goggle-eyed. Think Recep Erdogan and Dominic Raab. Bollocks, February again. Yeah, bored now, so see Aquarius.

Aries: Sheepish fools, like Chris Grayling and Nigel Farage. They like to say ‘slam in the lamb’. Mint sauce is your mortal enemy.

Taurus: Bullies in a china shop. Just ask Justine Greening or Tony Blair. Can easily be brought down by a red rag, like the Mirror. Don’t have a cow, man.

Gemini: Saving the best ‘til last!!! The reputation for being two-faced, weak and unreliable could not be more wrong. I offer as evidence Mystic Mogg, Donald Trump, Jeremy Corbyn and of course yours truly. Have a good day!

See what I did there? I offer you my most explicitious feliciporations.

People who have plans involving food for 2019 advised to change them

People who have plans involving food for 2019 are being advised to change them after recent government victories in the House of Commons.

”There’s no rush,” Doctor Starve, a senior fellow at the University of Paying Attention, told LCD Views.

We spoke to the Doctor while enjoying a smashed avocado breakfast served on sourdough bread baked early this morning, topped with triple poached eggs, slathered in bearnaise sauce and accompanied by a side of pulled grapefruit.

”People should not panic,” Starve went on, “unless they were planning traditional celebrations in 2019 such as birthday or dinner parties. Picnics. Oh, and breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

The Doctor went on to say that it’s advisable to start your panic buying early in 2019.

”Beat the rush,” he advises, “order your storage containers now but wait until late February to start stockpiling pasta, tinned meats and fruits. Oh and get a Parmesan wheel.”

Why a Parmesan wheel?

”If there are widespread fires following on fast, as the ration queues disintegrate into rioting and looting, and you feel the need to flee your home and take sanctuary with a distant relative in a sheltered rural area, you can bury the cheese.”

Ah, just like Pepys?

”Yes.”

But why issue the advice at all?

”The ERG now run the United Kingdom,” Doctor Starve shrugged, “zealots with religious fervour for Brexit who will see anything short of hard Brexit as failure of purity? Do you think they’re going to give a damn if you go hungry?”

They probably think it will build up people’s moral fibre, or some such lunacy.

”Quite. Oh, and they’ve all got second homes in the EU. So why you’re at home scrabbling with a ten year old over a bit of cat they’ll be merrily asset stripping the U.K. from a chateaux across the channel.”

But surely this is all a bit extreme? The government and official opposition could not be so incompetent as to actually allow the United Kingdom to crash out of the EU and disrupt our food supplies so seriously?

”I can tell you haven’t done a PHD in paying attention,” the Doctor smirked, “but then experts, who needs them? Shall we order more grapefruit?”

No. I’ve lost my appetite.

”Now that’s a phrase you won’t hear after we crash out of the EU next year.”

Will of the people found floating face down in the Thames by Palace of Westminster

LCD Views reports today with a complete absence of shock that the celebrated British patriot, Will of the people, has been found floating face down in the Thames by the Palace of Westminster, central London.

”Shortly before 6am this morning concerned and sharp eyed members of the public alerted the emergency services,” a Met spokesman told us on the record, and later on CD and cassette, blue-ray and MP3, “after sighting a bloated, corrupt, shimmering shape floating in the River Thames, near to the houses of parliament.”

While initially there was little concern, as many similar shapes have been witnessed floating past Westminster for several years now, it was soon apparent all was not well.

”We are accustomed to fishing out fudgebergs from the Thames,” the spokesman continued,

“and it is accurate that our water born services were slower than usual to respond, thinking the object was likely a Downing Street press release regarding the so called Chequers agreement,

“Or a Labour six point test bubble of extreme cynicism treating the electorate en masse as idiots, or even, Farron and Cable attempting to explain while they decided to go to the pub early rather than vote against the government last night.”

But it was none of these things?

“However as a search and rescue vessel drew slowly alongside the object it was revealed to be noted con man, and powerful political magician, Will of the people.”

Are the police treating the death as suspicious?

”Numerous serving, and recently ex cabinet ministers, have issued statements already claiming the death was clearly suicide,” the spokesman said,

“but it is very likely murder most foul and we urge everyone to lobby the living hell out of their MP to force the authorities to declare the ill gotten gains of the culprits void and to drag said culprits before any relevant court of law.”

Trump presidency exposed as Sacha Baron Cohen stunt

The election in November 2016 of four times bankrupt real estate tycoon Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States has been exposed as little more than a clever TV stunt by controversial English comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.

Confronted outside the White House yesterday, out of costume and out of character, Cohen was quick to accept that the game was up.

“You got me, I is been exposed, I is not really da president,” he conceded, lapsing nervously into the pseudo Jamaican patois of his earlier creation Ali G.

Pressed on how he was able to perpetrate such a stunt, sailing through the Republican primaries without even his closest advisers realising he wasn’t really Trump, and was in fact a nice Cambridge educated Jewish boy from north London, Cohen was more expansive, albeit simultaneously lapsing into the pseudo Kazakh manglish perpetrated by his faux Kazakh Lothario character, Borat Sagdiyev.

“You think me president more ridiculous than failed builder with orange face and bad wig and wife look like number four prostitute in Kazakhstan? Was easy, piece of peasy,” he laughed.

“Mind you daughter, she more like number two..Mmmmmm good sexy time…” he added, explaining,  sotto voce and for once out of character, that spoofing the Republican Party and most of the US population had actually been embarrassingly easy.

“Vats up…it vos like the more ridiculous I made the character, the more they luffed him – I almost expected to find der whole country masturbating over me,” he minced Germanically, adopting the outrageously camp persona of his Austrian fashionista Bruno.

“Even Sarah Palin…. and zats no larzzing matter,” he winced.

Reverting again to his normal speech Cohen explained that adopting the persona of a deranged orange faced narcissist and playing the role all the way to the White House and through 18 months of cast changes and monumental screw ups had not been easy.

“Imagine if America really was a dictatorship, with rigged elections, where 1% of the of the people have all the nation’s wealth, where I cut taxes to make all my friends richer, ignored the needs of the poor for health care and education and got to torture all the foreign prisoners and migrants…” he spat, morphing seamlessly into the pseudo Middle eastern vernacular of bearded potentate Admiral General Aladeen.

” You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests, and no one would complain, especially not Sloppy Steve Bannon,” he roared.

“Let’s face it, the surprise is not that no one noticed before, it’s that anyone has noticed at all….other than Vladimir Putin that is …” he winked.

ERG confirm group calendar for 2019 correctly printed to reflect U.K. going back in time

A spokestrooper for the influential parliamentary group the ERG has confirmed the group’s special calendar for 2019 has been correctly printed to reflect U.K. going back in time.

”1939 is where we want Britain in 2019,” Lodaf Thiler 2nd told LCD Views, “with the exciting possibilities of a no deal Brexit within grasp we felt it time to stamp a boot down to signify where the country is headed with our strangulation of the executive. And we all know what happened in 1939. A fantastic year for nationalism in Europe. We aim to emulate that so closely you’d think you were in a time machine.”

Aside from the revealing date, other features inside the calendar give subjects of Britannia a heads up on where they are taking us.

”Inspirational figures from the first half of twentieth century history have their birthdays celebrated,” Thiler trills, “Mussolini, Hitler, Moseley and so on. Oh and Spode. Oh and Stalin as a nod to one of our key overseas supporters.”

Also in the calendar will be strong dates that the ERG have identified through occult means as the best for copulation and conceiving a proper patriot child.

”Don’t waste the seed of the master race,” Thiler warns, “we need to breed, breed and breed to ensure the future population of the United Kingdom is the right one. Then we need to get most of them sacrificed for the glory of all. Certain groups will be sterilised to ensure the gene pool is pure though. As gene pools of superior populations have remained down through the millennia.”

Copies of the calendar will be made available and at a knock down price.

”Each day of 1939 is going to cost the public purse a pretty penny in lost tax revenue. To make up for this we’re going to forcibly seize the assets of families whose knees aren’t proper British knees and use those funds to give the calendars out for free to everyone.”

Any other advice?

”Yes. More to do with knees. Get on them and practise staying on them. It’s where the ERG fathers of the UK’s future want all of you, each and everyone.”