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Idiot rushed to A&E with lock jaw after his vocal CAPS LOCK got stuck in latest Brexit outburst

Horror in central London today as beloved and beleaguered British chumocracy toast rack, foot stool and all round bowel complaint Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to A&E with lock jaw after his vocal CAPS LOCK stuck during Brexit outburst.

”It was horrifying to witness,” giggled a witness, “I nearly shat myself I laughed so hard when his lower jaw just jammed in place during a Brexit interview.”

It seems Irritable Duncan Smite Self In Face With Fist And Repeat was talking about using denigration, film flam, dismissal of reality and insults to bridge the growing divide in U.K. politics regarding Brexit when the calamity occurred.

”Clearly we all know now that only tax dodgers and fascists and geriatric revolutionaries who need complete chaos to progress from GO are going to benefit from Brexit,” an expert opined, “so Eerie Douchebag Shit is finding the going a bit rum when he’s wheeled out like an old veined cheese to berate and badger the populace to get behind Brexit.”

So deep now is the rhetorical deficit in support of the hard right, hard left, shake it all and ruin all about Brexit project now that Irritable Dickhead Smith is having to plunder the genius deployed online by kippers and biffers and bots in debates (loosely using that word) about Wrexitall.

”He got very worked up. He started squirming. He was frothing at the mouth some and then it happened. He reached in deep. He just shoved his head right up his own arse, got stuck at his shoulders and ploughed on regardless of the harm he was doing to himself and anyone watching.”

Is that when his jaw locked?

”Yes. He just finished shouted, flat palm raised, if you love the EU so bloody much why don’t you go and live there!!!,!!! and his vocal caps lock broke in the depressed position. I doubt he’ll recover.”

Doctors have advised they will be operating on Idiotic Dangerous S tonight in the hope of fixing his lock jaw.

”I have to correct you there,” the expert corrected us there, “they’re not fixing the vocal caps lock, they’re slamming his jaws together and nailing them shut. It’s what the Hippocratic oath calls for. It’s in Iain’s interests and everyone’s.” 

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Richard Madeley to be the new Speaker of the House of Commons

Cuddly lounge lizard Richard Madeley is being parachuted into the role of Speaker. The serene sofa dweller was offered the role following his brutal treatment of waffling Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson.

It is highly unusual, not to say unconstitutional, to offer this role to someone who is not a sitting MP. But this is Brexit Britain. Brexitannia waives the rules.

Madeley himself was surprised and a little nonplussed. “It’s a great honour, naturally,” he told LCD’s Random Appointments correspondent. “All this fuss over little me losing patience with a dissembling gobshite!”

Madeley is hardly in the premier league of political interviewers. He is more often associated with cosy chats on magazine programmes. His action in closing an interview because Williamson refused to answer a straight question hinted at an iron fist inside his velvet glove.

The elephant in the room who wandered into shot during the interview issued the following statement.

“Normally I can’t be seen, but the current situation has rendered me visible. I made a trunk call to Donald Tusk. He advised me to come down out of my ivory tower.”

Madeley meanwhile has promised to eliminate filibustering and outright lying. “And this childish jeering will be stopped too,” he added. “Miscreants will be obliged to watch me and Judy discussing whether Nadine Dorries’ books are as bad as her voting record with Gyles Brandreth.”

Current Speaker John Bercow was not happy. “A third rate, opinionated journalist doing the job of a third rate, opinionated politician! It’s a national disgrace!” he blustered. “They will eat him alive at Prime Minister’s Question Time! Although that actually sounds quite appealing upon reflection.”

And what do you think about Madeley’s proposed sanction?

“Oh my goodness. Being forced to watch Richard And Judy? If that doesn’t make them behave, nothing will!”

I’m an MP, get me out of here! starts filming next Monday.

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Adult movie star with an unsigned NDA now more aspirational career than POTUS, survey finds

In the wake of the ongoing episode between Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, a new poll has revealed an eyebrow-raising new consequence. On being asked what they want to do when they finish studies, uni students and people undergoing mid-life career changes, replied “adult movie star” with surprising frequency.

A poll taken at Trump University, Reality Campus, revealed that while only 3% of the pupils had political aspirations, a whopping 17% wanted to star in porn.

University Vice Chancellor, Mr Big said in an interview:

“I can’t believe it. I know politicians are people everybody hates, but to think more people want to buy a webcam and work independently in movies, than sit on a toilet tweeting insanities while blackmailing allies? I don’t know how this happened?”

But it is happening. All across America, the national average reveals 23% of university pupils want to be porn stars, frequently citing Stormy Daniels as a role model. Barely 4% want to be politicians.

Asked how many want to become president, less than 0.1% expressed even the slightest enthusiasm, lending some truth to the old line of Clarence Darrow:

“When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become president – I’m beginning to believe it.”

It could be, too, that they have taken to heart the line by Douglas Adams:

“Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

In any case, it is clear that more people want to be a thorn in the president’s side when they grow up than actually be president. I guess Machiavelli had a point when he talked about the power behind the throne.

Or possibly the power behind the bedroom door and the power of David Dennison’s not signing NDA’s afterwards.

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Crowdfunding for man’s humble Mayfair crash pad only attracting donations in roubles

LCD Views can report this morning that the people of the United Kingdom are being put to shame by chaps from overseas, after the revelation that a crowdfunding drive for a humble Mayfair crash pad has so far only attracted donations in roubles.

“This is why I mostly put my modest savings in Russian banks,” the man told us, “they’re oligenerous. The lack of a robust rule of law is very attractive too, some may say, but I wouldn’t of course. Please do stop asking why I invest sod all in the U.K. when I’m supposedly such a champion of the place! It makes my eyes water.”

We won’t ask the hard questions. Just let you have all the exposure and will to power you want, regardless of your only qualification being a silver spoon.

”Let’s not talk about my £5M Westminster crash pad either. Let’s talk about how I was denied my favoured locale. How I’m struggling to right the wrong.”

Yes, it seems the poor fellow was allegedly forced to start the crowdfunding drive after his attempts to buy a property in Mayfair failed and he had to go for the aforementioned shabby 18th century townhouse in the Westminster slums.

“It’s not on,” he says, “this is supposed to be 19th century Britain and here I am struggling to find an affordable home for my growing family.”

People who are enquiring why he seems to have so much support from overseas are just adding unnecessarily to his troubles.

“I find the best interest rates on my paltry savings is to be found in sanctioned Russian banks,” he shrugs, “I’m also probably something of a useful idiot for certain creative people who know which buttons to push.”

Is greed a good one to push?

“Oh yes, most certainly, and avarice and actually envy.”

Nice to know. So what target do you need to hit to be able to move to Mayfair?

“Oh, it’s all a bit of a distraction really. It’s a fine line between emanating enough old world ruling class spirit to get the great unwashed to tug the forelock unthinkingly, to giving off a vapour which suffocates not only those about but my own vested interests.”

Where are those interests vested again?

“Not in Mayfair, sadly.”

Where?

“Russia and other ’emerging markets’,” the man answered, “anywhere but the UK, far too many laws and regulations you see?”

We do. Happy fundraising. Next time let’s talk about seamless and frictionless corruption in emerging markets, and how best to navigate all that, shall we?

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Poll reveals support for SNP at all time high in England

LCD Views can reveal this morning that the results of snap polling over the weekend reveals support for Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP at all time high in England.

“It’s the result we were expecting, to be honest,” poll master Professor Pole told us, “the cuddly face of nationalism has been seeing its light shine brighter over the last couple of years, but no one can work out why? It’s all very baffling. Presumably there’s an underlying political cause? What do you think? It couldn’t be the endless shitshower of useless English MPs in Westminster, aided and abetted, occasionally, by the DUP?”

Quite why the SNP has seen a surge in support within England maybe a mystery, but that wasn’t stopping us hitting the pavement only in London to find out why.

”Have you smelt Westminster?” Jo Blogs (all the time, across social media) asked us as by way of answering, “it’s a dumpster full of rotting fish and someone has filled it with petrol and someone else has set it on fire,

“This is why I am voting SNP at the snap general election soon after parliament votes to stay in the customs union riding a unicorn and put it to the people,

“Even if the SNP can’t logically stand a candidate in my constituency. I’m just plain jealous that the Scots might have a chance to escape endless Tory rule. It’s not an option we appear to have in England with old three dimensional foot shooter Corbyn running Labour.”

But surely the SNP are just taking advantage of the political chaos and confusion gripping England to further their own highly emotive agenda?

”That’s politics.”

It doesn’t make it right. They should be working with Theresa May to get her Brexit deal over the line.

”Like the burn it all DUP? Are you paying attention? Even the Brexiters voted against the deal, twice!”

Yes. Taking advantage of the chinks in the armour of the Conservative government, what’s that all about SNP?

”That’s what opposition parties are there to do! Expose the weaknesses and smash them. That’s how an adversarial political system functions. Brexit is a gift to nationalists. I’ve never had any truck with Scottish Independence before, but now? Get out while you can! Save yourselves! Wales too! Go on Northern Ireland, you know you want to! Cornwall! Raise the flag!”

We just need to give Labour/Abstention more time. They’ve totally out foxed the Tories.

”The Tories have outfoxed the Tories. Labour are just greasing the wheels of Brexit expecting the Tories to get all the blame, as if people don’t understand the role of the official opposition. That’s why I’m voting for Scottish Independence, even though I can’t. I dislike nationalism in any form as a rule, but right now I dislike English nationalism a lot more.”

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Brexit through the looking glass, darkly

Brexit means… well, what does it mean? In the world of smoke and mirrors, where nothing is real, it is scarcely glimpsed through the fog. Brexit is best viewed through a looking glass, darkly.

Gone are the rose-tinted spectacles. The castles in the air are ready to topple for good. It is safe to say that whatever Brexit stands for, the inverse is likely to be the truth.

Take the reliance upon unelected bureaucrats, for example. “Here we go again!” sighs Brussels insider Faye Sless-Minion. “Who, honestly, gets elected to do their job? Only politicians. The rest of us are experts. We submit job applications, get selected on merit, receive training. We are not dependent upon the whim of a fickle public likely to be contrary for shits and giggles.”

Experts. That word, which has become anathema instead of commanding respect. It could only happen in the looking glass world of bombastic narcissist Trumpty Dumpty. Trumpty is fond of the English language. Whenever I use a word, he explains, it means exactly what I want it to mean.

Meanwhile Tweedledum and Tweedledee are fighting like schoolboys over the Prime Minister’s job.

The white queen herself, her crown-bearing head looking ever more uneasy, still persists in believing six impossible things about Brexit before breakfast, dinner and tea.

Psychologist Dr Leah Vowt-Nowt tries to rationalize the mental state of the participants in this comedy of errors. “I like to hold up a looking glass to these people, so they can see how ridiculous they appear,” she said. “They say the mirror is lying, or that the image is too obscure. However, when forced to look, they enter into a strange place.”

Politicians transfer into a twilight zone of contradiction and paradox. This creates a psychiatric disorder, characterised by reversible amnesia for political identity.

“They start to utter nonsense that attempts to reconcile their opposing perceptions,” said Dr Vowt-Nowt. “I call this the ‘fudge state’.”

The characters blunder on, cheered by the gammon-faced crowd with their Anglo-Saxon attitudes, and abetted by the kindly white knight who keeps falling off his high horse.

The good news is that Brexit is still, somehow, proceeding. Even if it is in the wrong direction.

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UK US trade deal shock in doubt as study says both countries have surplus whataboutery

FUKUS, or the Future UK – US Free Trade Agreement for short, in is doubt today after a five minute study of both countries domestic output revealed the pair of international clowns have a surplus of whataboutery.

“And it’s growing,” our trade specialist says, “it’s a mountain of whataboutery and it needs shifting or we won’t be able to agree to trade anything.”

But what about that little hill over there of electoral corruption cheese? I think it needs measuring again. It could actually be a mountain also.

It’s where a lot of the whataboutery is grown. Probably not a coincidence that the Trump and Brexit camps are using a soviet era, and modern day Russian government, tactic to deflect criticism and turn away inquiry?

“What about the British automotive sector going to the wall if you don’t get Brexit right, busy poking your nose into other people’s private affairs?” our trade guru immediately demanded, “what about thinking about the lives and pay packets of someone other than yourself for a change?”

But I thought you were concerned about the whataboutery too?

“What about worrying about the problem of lack of democratic accountability in your own house. I hear several of the residents are frequently denied agency in the most basic of decisions?”

They’re children.

“What about standing up for the rights of children rather than berating me about some insignificant problem about perceived democratic standards in places beyond my control.”

But that’s the point of democracy, it is under our control.

“What about worrying about lack of democracy in other countries. Peoples that would love to have the flawed, but functioning system you enjoy. Although you’d never know it. What about being a little bit more grateful and let your elected leaders get on with leading.”

But what about Hilary’s emails? What about the corruption in the Remain campaign in the EUref?

“That’s more like it.”

But what about Labour’s six tests on Brexit and what a load of fudge and bollocks that is and how bad a job they’re doing at holding the government to account?

Wouldn’t the government just collapse like the sack of shit it is in the face of concerted opposition?

“What about Tony Blair? You should think long and hard about how Blairites are undermining the leader.”

Of course. It’s not about Jeremy’s actions. It’s about what someone who hasn’t been leader of the party for over a decade did. He made catastrophic errors and he has never been held to account, to our shame.

But what about Jeremy actually leading the opposition to the government on the largest change for decades, so the suspect figures of previous eras can shut up?

“What about what an emotive gift T-Bone Blair is to Momentum and how useful he is at shielding Corbyn from criticism?”

What about not being so f*cking cynical and tearing May out of office by full throttle opposition?

“What about we go back to talk about salvaging this free trade deal? This whataboutery is going off the rails.”

What about it?

It’s going to be ruinous to the United Kingdom. We’ll be so out classed by size, we’ll be economically and politically desperate and we’ll be beholden to a president across the sea who cares more about golf and tweeting while taking a dump in the morning than he does about us.

“What about how the unelected eurocrats are even now punishing the UK for following our democratic destiny by actually telling us we can’t be part of the bits of the EU we still want to be part of?”

Will this never end?

“What about the Never Ending Story? How do you think it feels to have you dragging it into a conversation it had no intention of being part of?”

What about we just stop now?

“What about you seeing through a task dozens of tax dodgers have committed years to.”

We should stop that too. On both sides of the Atlantic.

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Instagram to be food source in the event of hard Brexit

DEFRA has taken another jolly, green stride forward as the most organised government department ever today with the reveal of contingency plans in place in the event of hard Brexit.

”Social media is full of food,” Mr Jolly Green Gove told LCD Views’ ‘disaster relief’ correspondent, “and machines with fuel in them and international friends can all be found frozen in time online.”

The interview took place over a taxpayer funded champagne breakfast during which we selected which lobster we wanted for lunch from a blackboard with chalk drawings of lobsters.

”All this fearmongering over food supplies in the event of hard Brexit is more remoaner sabotage of the great national project of England, and the other postcodes.”

But how will hungry British people eat the photos they’ve placed on Instagram and other social media platforms if physical shelves in local supermarkets are empty?

”You print them out of course,” the jolly green chancer advised,”depending on how hungry you feel will determine which size of paper you print the treasured memory of food on. Light snack? A5? Need to make a round of sandwiches for the kids so they’ve lunch as you queue to get an EU27 country citizenship at a passport office? A3 of course. It’s so simple.”

There is also rumour that people who’ve taken masses of food pics and uploaded them online will be able to trade surplus for real money?

”Yes. We expect a liberalised market in digitalised food to be a level playing field for all once we have freed ourselves of the Brussels red tape currently preventing social democratic food trading.”

Is this an idea that could work for other government departments struggling to prepare for a post EU future?

”Of course. I’ve sent a team of civil servants over to the Department for International Trade to advise Little Liam Fox to just photograph the trade deals he wants and print them out. Problem solved.”

So any suggestion the Tory government is bluffing in Brexit poker as they don’t even have a pair of two’s, just puffed up delusions of grandeur and power, and will have to fold before long, because they have in reality done no preparation for anything else, is nonsense?

”Print yourself out whatever you want the story to be,” Mr Jolly Grasping Gove said, “then just keep saying it. It’s my entire modus operandi. Remember, if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes true. Now, would you like a cardboard cutout of a supermarket to shop at on April 1st next year?”

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Humphrys to guest star with Corbyn on stage at Labour Live to sing “The people HAD a vote (once)”

Great news for people worried Jeremy Corbyn risks being alone at the Labour Live event planned for June, just great, great news.

”It’s great news,” a Labour Momentum activist told us, before returning to work on a JC shrine they will carry bareback over broken glass and gravel to the event even as the nonsense of Jobs first Brexit and a seamless Irish Border out of the single market fails to penetrate through the woolly and comforting hope in a messiah.

Just great news.

Yes!

The great news is even thought the tickets for the Labour Glasto revive are set at a price point unemployed and low income people might struggle to afford.

Even though the event is in London, just to inadvertently send a message to the mysterious and barely mapped other regions of England, that it’s really about the capital no matter who’s staring on the performance space, so anyone travelling down has to contend with travel and accommodation costs too.

Still great news.

Even though they’ll need all that cultish fervour to replicate the buzz of thousands of people on e’s in a field.

Just great news with the revelation that BBC Radio 4 living mental, archaeological, special feature John Humphrys is to guest star with Jeremy Corbyn on stage and sing “The people HAD a vote (once)”.

”They don’t need any other,” our devotee reminded us, gold paint going on the sandals of the life size replica of JC they intend to symbolicly marry at the event in the field.

”One vote is quite enough to decide anything, regardless of what new information comes to light,” they reminded us, glowing, they’re just glowing, “and once we’re swept to power over the catastrophic ruin Corbyn is assisting that idiotic robot in Downing Street to bring about, that will be the last vote the people need too.”

Get your tickets early. Humphrys has written the EURef special specially.

Oh, and rumours of a rift occurring in the Labour leadership because Corbyn is to sing with Humphrys and not McDonnell is not true. McDonnell is to sing “My Way” standing on a mountain of little red books.

Roll up! Roll up! It’s a jobs are lost first followed by the NHS celebratory cross party leadership delivering Brexit event!

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Man unaware how much public despises him plots to be PM

A man who must be unaware how much the public despises him has today announced his plot to become prime minister via an article in a tabloid newspaper.

”Experts tell me don’t try it, you’ll finish off the Conservative Party for good if you do,” the man told us during an interview conducted in a sewer pipe, “but who listens to experts? I think people have had quite enough of informed, fact based analysis. None of our policy is based on it and we’ve been getting away with murder for eight years now.”

The man may have a point, given the main policy agendas currently guiding the country and the fact no one is rioting.

”The Tories are dying slowly anyway, which is nothing at all to do with my time in government,” the man added, “even if my own father has described me as a liar.”

As part of the man’s plot he sees himself knifing placeholder prime minister, artificial life form Maybot, in the primary circuit and assuming control just a minute after midnight descends forever on the United Kingdom with Brexit.

”No one will blame me,” the man said, displaying a depth of self delusion only possible if someone lives in a sewer pipe surrounded by their policy ideas, “and I’ll reign as lord of the flies at Rupert’s pleasure until we rebrand ourselves with that cuddly woman from the north. Then I’ll become a Lord. Lord Toad of Toad Hall has a nice ring to it.”

But does the would be Lord Toad see any obstacles in the way of a plan which on the surface is seamless?

”Mass outbreak of sanity?” he replied, “but I’m confident the good people of the United Kingdom have had quite enough of that too.”

Let’s wait and see on that score. Ireland has just shown us all it’s possible to vote overwhelmingly for a progressive agenda, even in a referendum.