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Humphrys to guest star with Corbyn on stage at Labour Live to sing “The people HAD a vote (once)”

Great news for people worried Jeremy Corbyn risks being alone at the Labour Live event planned for June, just great, great news.

”It’s great news,” a Labour Momentum activist told us, before returning to work on a JC shrine they will carry bareback over broken glass and gravel to the event even as the nonsense of Jobs first Brexit and a seamless Irish Border out of the single market fails to penetrate through the woolly and comforting hope in a messiah.

Just great news.

Yes!

The great news is even thought the tickets for the Labour Glasto revive are set at a price point unemployed and low income people might struggle to afford.

Even though the event is in London, just to inadvertently send a message to the mysterious and barely mapped other regions of England, that it’s really about the capital no matter who’s staring on the performance space, so anyone travelling down has to contend with travel and accommodation costs too.

Still great news.

Even though they’ll need all that cultish fervour to replicate the buzz of thousands of people on e’s in a field.

Just great news with the revelation that BBC Radio 4 living mental, archaeological, special feature John Humphrys is to guest star with Jeremy Corbyn on stage and sing “The people HAD a vote (once)”.

”They don’t need any other,” our devotee reminded us, gold paint going on the sandals of the life size replica of JC they intend to symbolicly marry at the event in the field.

”One vote is quite enough to decide anything, regardless of what new information comes to light,” they reminded us, glowing, they’re just glowing, “and once we’re swept to power over the catastrophic ruin Corbyn is assisting that idiotic robot in Downing Street to bring about, that will be the last vote the people need too.”

Get your tickets early. Humphrys has written the EURef special specially.

Oh, and rumours of a rift occurring in the Labour leadership because Corbyn is to sing with Humphrys and not McDonnell is not true. McDonnell is to sing “My Way” standing on a mountain of little red books.

Roll up! Roll up! It’s a jobs are lost first followed by the NHS celebratory cross party leadership delivering Brexit event!

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Man unaware how much public despises him plots to be PM

A man who must be unaware how much the public despises him has today announced his plot to become prime minister via an article in a tabloid newspaper.

”Experts tell me don’t try it, you’ll finish off the Conservative Party for good if you do,” the man told us during an interview conducted in a sewer pipe, “but who listens to experts? I think people have had quite enough of informed, fact based analysis. None of our policy is based on it and we’ve been getting away with murder for eight years now.”

The man may have a point, given the main policy agendas currently guiding the country and the fact no one is rioting.

”The Tories are dying slowly anyway, which is nothing at all to do with my time in government,” the man added, “even if my own father has described me as a liar.”

As part of the man’s plot he sees himself knifing placeholder prime minister, artificial life form Maybot, in the primary circuit and assuming control just a minute after midnight descends forever on the United Kingdom with Brexit.

”No one will blame me,” the man said, displaying a depth of self delusion only possible if someone lives in a sewer pipe surrounded by their policy ideas, “and I’ll reign as lord of the flies at Rupert’s pleasure until we rebrand ourselves with that cuddly woman from the north. Then I’ll become a Lord. Lord Toad of Toad Hall has a nice ring to it.”

But does the would be Lord Toad see any obstacles in the way of a plan which on the surface is seamless?

”Mass outbreak of sanity?” he replied, “but I’m confident the good people of the United Kingdom have had quite enough of that too.”

Let’s wait and see on that score. Ireland has just shown us all it’s possible to vote overwhelmingly for a progressive agenda, even in a referendum.

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Stop subverting democracy, that’s our job, says UKIP MEP

UKIP MEP Gerry Mandarin has slammed opponents of Brexit for subverting democracy. Obstructing the path of negotiation and poisoning every debate is, he says, UKIP’s raison d’etre.

“We piss in the water and shit in the bed,” claimed Mandarin, flushing slightly. “It’s what we do. We in UKIP have been trying to debate the real issues for years, but the Germans keep blocking us. What about the EU’s internal problems? Every time UKIP raises the issue, the bloody Krauts change the subject. The EU is undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt. We think it isn’t undemocratic, inefficient and corrupt enough!”

Mandarin paused to mop his brow, his florid face increasingly resembling a juicy gammon steak sizzling on a barbecue.

“I have personally dedicated 23 years of my life to bringing about Brexit,” he bragged. “And it’s all going wrong. Of course we have a plan. It’s to leave, asap. It’s that easy. These lefty types, trying to inject a little reality into the process, have missed the point. They lost, they should shut up and leave the subversion to the experts.”

It was quite easy to imagine a ring of pineapple and a fried egg on Mandarin’s face at this point.

“Of course, Brexit means UKIP has achieved its principal objective,” Mandarin continued. “But we are still unhappy about everything. The party will be renamed the We Are Still Upset Party, or WASUP. Party members will greet one another by saying ‘WASUP?!’ and then complain bitterly about not getting their own way about everything. I promise you that playthings will continue to be ejected from the perambulator for some time to come.”

A pint of best bitter. A dab of English mustard.

“I work very hard at avoiding any real work,” Mandarin concluded. “Coz it’s the EU innit, and we want out. I did do my bit in the referendum though. I volunteered to fill in thousands of proxy votes and stuffed the ballot box. I always do my bit for democracy.”

Only one question remains to be asked: Do you want chips, mash or a jacket potato with that?

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Day release convict labour scheme launched so May won’t have to face firing Boris even if he goes down for alleged crimes against democracy

Theresa May’s government has enjoyed a welcome respite from criticism today with broad approval of the new day release convict labour plan, launched so Ms May won’t have to face firing Boris Johnson even if he goes down for crimes against democracy.

“We’re getting ahead of the curve on this one, allegedly,” Downing Street insider, Ms A Potplant, told us during an afternoon session at a Westminster tanning salon, “make sure you roll over regularly so you get evenly tanned.”

We determined to keep that in mind.

“No one is suggesting Boris Johnson has committed any crimes,” Ms Potplant continued, “but just on the outside, extreme, hypothetical that the investigations into Cambridge Analytica and Leave EU do eventually lead to senior members of the cabinet being questioned about any potential, alleged criminality in the leave campaign, Ms May is correct to ensure she has a backstop plan in place.”

Under the scheme new prisoners will be released on a day release plan to fill the yawning holes appearing in the British labour market following the decision to do Brexit, no matter how stupid that decision is.

“It’s baffling why people don’t want to come here anymore,” Ms Potplant mused, “I mean, it’s not like they’ll forget to go back where they came from. The Home Office will see to that, even if they’re not ready yet.”

But isn’t focusing on the labour gaps just a cover for the real reason, which is so Ms May never has to face firing Boris Johnson from the cabinet, no matter how ridiculous and incompetent his actions?

“Correct, but play that down. It’s the hidden lead, it better be so well hidden no one cottons onto it. Please don’t make it the headline or people might rumble us.”

What crimes could Boris allegedly be in the dock for?

“He’s already in the dock of public opinion, and convicted, for crimes against democracy, but there’s very little chance he’s done anything criminal other than be a figurehead for the wholesale economic, civil and diplomatic destruction of the United Kingdom.”

Is that a crime though?

“I don’t know. I think it bloody well should be!’

We won’t print that.

Please don’t. What’s that smell?

“We forgot to roll over.”

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Home Office praised after dangerous fantasist stripped of citizenship for too much time spent flying business class

The Home Office was having to deal with the unusual sensation of praise today after a dangerous fantasist was stripped of citizenship for too much time spent abroad flying business class in pursuit of ends that are clearly damaging to the UK.

”We had to act to protect the country’s interests,” Mr Tooth Tiger told LCD Views as we rode up one of the many elevators inside The Shard building near London Bridge.

The interview took place inside an elevator in the new and already iconic London landmark as we were ostensibly there to witness a Home Office ceremony at the very pointy tops of the structure.

“Did you know that by April of 2017 he’d already clocked up enough business class air miles to reach the Moon?” Tooth asked, “by now he’s probably flown far enough to crash into the face of the Sun at public expense.”

The man himself could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a glass of champagne on the public purse many miles above the Earth.

“You’d say his head was in the clouds but commercial aircraft tend to fly well above any cloud masses so the flight is smoother for the tax money spent.”

It seems it was a timely move on the part of the Home Office too, faced with mounting criticism for the racist, hostile environment policies designed by the unknown figure who was Home Office minister from 2010 – 2016.

“We’ve been kicking people out as fast as we can swing the boot,” Tooth said, “and this seems to be leading to some unexpected blowback. Who knew not everyone in the UK was a racist little Englander? I mean, the country overwhelming voted for Brexit. The leaders of both main political parties back Brexit. And Brexit is Nigel Farage. We thought we were on firm ground going after people based on ethnicity.”

It seems it’s a sensible move also, with the independence movement in Scotland being given fresh legs by the shambles and certainty of economic collapse of Brexit, the man in question, having being born in Scotland, will soon be an alien resident (temporarily) in the United Kingdom of England.

“He wastes money. He promotes fantasies. He’s already been fired from high office for breaking security protocols and other misdeeds to do with hiding special friends behind curtains. He’s a rotter. We’re well shot of him. Just think of the money saved on the airfares too? Money that can be spent on the NHS!”

And why were we riding in the elevator at the Shard to the very top?

“You’re here to see the fitting of the huge eye of Sauron that the prime minister has demanded be fitted to the top of the building. All the better to watch you with as we make a success of Brexit and enter the exciting possibilities of criminalising thoughts.”

 

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May seeks C*ustoms R*egulatory A*lignment P*eriod to delay the moment the shit hits the fan

LCD Views can break great news today with a sign of intelligent life detected in the murky and very damp interior of 10 Downing Street.

“We thought it was a waste land,” explora-tory biologist Professor Fcuk told us over croissants and bumpy white coffee, “all investigations over the last couple of years have only found signs of what may once have been highly evolved organisms and a sophisticated civilisation, but they were thought to have been long extinct.”

A bit like the Martian landscape?

“Similar, but less enjoyable.”

So what’s changed?

“A repeating signal has been detected from deep inside what appears to be an ancient network of plumbing used to worship scat by whoever constructed the structure, and we’ve been able to interpret it.”

While it’s too early to tell yet if the origin of the source possesses a complex central nervous system, Professor Fcuk is tentatively hopeful.

“Fcuk, even finding something as complex as bacterial slime would be encouraging,” the professor said, “give it a few billion years and it may evolve thumbs. It would be very exciting to watch. Although it needs to get a hurry on. the Sun is expected to supernova around then. So by the time it re-evolves it maybe too late.”

But how would you expect to observe this evolution of the bacterial slime into a complex organism, as highly evolved as one that has and uses thumb? The human life span is too short.

“I’m going to upload my consciousness into the cloud. There’s not any other realistic choice because that’s how long Theresa May and the terrified lunatics surrounding her will need their desperate Customs Regulatory Alignment Period to last to have a snowflake’s chance in hell of developing any realistic, feasible and cost efficient alternatives to the babies they’re so hurriedly throwing out with the EU bathwater.”

Those babies have thumbs.

“Indeed. Seamless and frictionless ones.”

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Daily Mail uncovers plot by baby in woman’s belly to be born

Award winning full fat love promoters The Daily Mail have shocked the nation today by uncovering a secret plot by a baby, in a famous and rather old mother’s belly, to be born.

”The baby, although it could be twins, even triplets, so let’s agree sextuplets, has been planning this in secret for months,” famous Mail hack, Ruff Cough, told us in an exclusive for us where we get the scoop on their exclusive scoop.

But what are the babies’ intentions? Surely there’s no immediate cause for concern? Babies are born all the time.

”Foreign babies who want to steal our horses are,” Cough said, “proper British babies aren’t hardly never born anymore. It’s endangering English civilisation.”

Let’s stick to the secret baby and keep away from your appalling pet topic. How long till it pulls off its treacherous plan and where is the birth to take place?

”From what we’ve uncovered the baby is to be born at the Palace of Westminster sometime in June surrounded by over six hundred grown ups, hundreds of who maybe traitors and intend to act as midwives to the babies, the saboteurs!”

The babies or the anticipated midwives?

”Oh, they are traitors to democracy!”

Which ones?

”Stop trying to trick me. We’ve uncovered the plot and the nation has been warned to defend autocracy!”

It’s not really a scoop though, or a secret gestation?

The ultrasounds have all been made public, millions of people are ready to get behind the baby and push and it has a massive presence already on social media. Not to mention the mother looks like she’ll drop any day now.

We got just an angry glare for that.

”Why are you still asking me questions? Won’t your readers have lost interest by now due to very short attention spans? Remember ours used to salivate over anti-vax stories until the pandemic in Wales and then we dropped it like we’d never touched it and no one noticed.”

Who’s the father of the baby of babies?

”Oh, no one knows who that is, just that the mother is the mother of all parliaments and any day she’s going to go into labour.”

I doubt that, Labour is unlike to form a government given it’s almost indistinguishable from the government on the issue that will be a right Victorian dad to everyone.

”Not that Labour. Labour.”

You capitalised both. Which is which?

”Piss off and go break a caps lock.”

We’ll stay right here, waiting for the baby you fear to be born. And we’re naming it government defeat in the commons.

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Boris Johnson to inflate his Brexit hot air ship by talking

LCD Views can enthusiastically report on huge savings to the public purse will be found by powering the special Brexit hot air ship just by Boris Johnson talking.

“He’s always ready to put words together and whenever he does there’s a lot of heat generated,” Brexit blimp project manager, Mr Esra told LCD Views, “the design we are building has Mr Johnson standing inside the inflatable section and talking on any subject he cares to pick, but preferably about post Brexit trade arrangements and British influence in a dynamic and changing globalised landscape.”

So just talking complete, fabricated on the spot bollocks then?

“Yes. Business as usual. It’s believed the blimp will inflate within seconds and lift off moments later. We will have to be fast to cut loose the ropes. I anticipate no more than half a minute before Boris has filled the ship with hot air and it’s rising.”

But how will he navigate the Brexit blimp if he is standing in the centre of the balloon section?

“How does he navigate now?” Mr Esra asked, “he just chooses locations at random and goes to them. So we hardly see any point in putting in advanced navigational equipment which he will just ignore.”

So more of a drive by feel approach?

“Exactly. It works for him as an MP. If he bumps into something, say a passenger aircraft, he can just bounce off and go in another direction and leave the wreckage behind him.

The main purpose of Boris is Boris, the destination changes every day. Yesterday he wanted to be prime minister by the weekend again, but today he wants May to stay in post and carry the can for Brexit. Steering isn’t important. Boris is important.”

Will he be able to carry passengers?

“Don’t be stupid! Ha! Boris only needs the spectators to pay for his follies, he doesn’t need them coming along for the ride. But he’ll take anyone for a ride of course.”

So how soon will the air ship be built?

“Just as soon as we can jam Boris inside the balloon you see over there and tie a knot in the end of it.”

Up, up and away?

“And right back down again. Everyone is invited on that trip. The whole country. Just ask Michael Gove. He’s standing next to Boris with a giant pin just ready to prick the Boris blimp again.”

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Man grows Charlie Chaplin moustache on South American holiday

LCD Views can report today that a well known clown of the international stage has taken things a step further by growing a Charlie Chaplin moustache while on a South American holiday.

“He was sent over there to get him out of the big tent for a few days,” our upper lip specialist says, “or he went there so other people could do some clowning on his behalf and he could claim plausible deniability due to the tyranny of distance. Choose your own reason. I’m just a moustache man.”

The moustache itself is worthy of consideration for being a classic design not much evidenced since the 1940’s.

“It takes some swagger to pull off the tooth brush,” our tooth brush expert approves, “most people would consider growing one and then realise it might make them look like Nigel Farage with a small microphone under his nose. At that point they give up. But not our man.”

Apparently South American countries do have a climate just right for growing this moustache though and that may have contributed to the decision.

“It’s due to post war migration to Argentina of some very committed ideologues who used the tooth brush as a secret symbol to recognise one another. Both more hygienic and more subtle than a secret handshake.”

LCD Views would like to say we approve of the new look, especially when the famous clown raises his arms and talks.

“It really gives you a feel of his actual potential, where he allowed to develop naturally with ever greater power.”

Will he be allowed that?

“Don’t be stupid. This is no laughing matter.”

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Government admits plan to rename Britain “it” after Brexit as the brain will have been forcibly removed from Br(it)ain

LCD Views can claim success today in our first FOI request allegedly made by us to the Home Office with the release of papers admitting HMG has advanced plans to rename Britain just “it” after Brexit.

“It makes sense,” Steve Baked MP for Cocken-on-Womble, told us, hand delivering the papers to our floating office on a Thames’ barge in exchange for a bucket of American signal crayfish, “I’m going to hide these crayfish on the opposition benches. By which I mean where Ken Clarke and Anna Soubry normally sit.”

Wouldn’t it be better to boil them alive and eat them?

“No. The cannibalism starts post Brexit.”

So tell us about the plans to rename Britain and call it simply ‘it’.

“It will be in line with what most other nations will be calling Britain after Brexit,” Mr Baked said, “as all the brains will have leaked away by then. Mostly over to the continent, but I guess some other places too. We are lobbying to keep Britain as the official name on maps but the Royal Society of Cartographers told us to, I quote, ‘do one’, on that.”

It’s good to know at least some planning has been taking place for life after March 2019. Those tail back scare stories about Kent and food supplies have me a little worked up.

“Oh don’t let the changing of project fear into project reality upset you,” Steve shrugged, “no one left living on ‘it’ will have the cognitive capacity to understand how life has deteriorated anyway.”