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How to break a country and attempt to get away with it

INT    VOTE LEAVE HQ    NIGHT

“The middle of the night 24/06/16”

A big blonde man in a dishevelled suit coat relaxes on a leather sofa. Tie askew. He has riding lycra on his lower half. His hair looks like bed hair.

He’s holding a magazine, “Posh Reader’s Wives : On the buses edition”.

The cover is a woman in knee high riding boots. She holds a riding crop and snarls raunchingly over her shoulder. She is on top of a big red bus in the grounds of a stately home.

Big Blonde Man

”Wha ho!”

He flicks the page quickly.

Big Blonde Man

”Hey! Hey!”

Another man comes into view. Smaller. Shifty looking. He paces. This is Small Man.

Big Blonde Man

”Get a look at this damsel in distress! Tied to a ship’s mast. Let’s beat off the pirates Mickey! Huzzah!”

Small Man ignores him. He crosses to a mirror and practises smiling. It’s a grimace. He has something stuck to his teeth. He picks at it. It’s on his finger nail. He examines it.

CLOSE ON

See what was on his tooth. Go in close. It’s a photo of Rupert Murdoch. When we pull back it’ll be A4 size.

Small Man folds the photo and tucks it away in his pocket.

Big Blonde Man

”By golly! I know this one. This is old…what’s her name? I bedded her at Oxford and her sister and her cousins and her aunt and her mother, I think? Or was it her twin and her great aunt and her former nanny’s ex-riding instructor?”

Small Man

”This isn’t the time!”

Big Blonde Man

”Virgin.”

Big Blonde Man turns the magazine around to show a woman dressed as Elizabeth Ist holding a model Elizabethan ship.

Big Blonde Man

“Don’t worry Mickey. A narrow win for Remain by the morning and the bus tour goes on and on!”

Small Man

”We’re going to win the EU referendum you high wire idiot. While you’ve been looking up old conquests I’ve been studying the numbers..”

Big Blonde Man

”Sailing close to the breeze! That’s all! But we’ll come through!”

Small Man

”You big, bouncing blonde pillock. Do you want to be prime minister or not? If we win we’re screwed. Holes below the waterline. The ship of state run aground. I told you to throw the last TV debate, but you couldn’t help yourself.”

Big Blonde Man slowly and carefully rolls the magazine into a cylinder.

Big Blonde Man

”It’s your fault if we do. The people have had enough of experts? What in God’s testicles was that?”

Small Man retreats as Big Blonde Man rises from the sofa holding the rolled magazine like a club.

They lock eyes as Small Man moves to put a chair between them.

Big Blonde Man lunges swinging. They scuffle. Play “Benny Hill Show” theme music.

The door opens a fraction and a trembling hand extends a piece of paper into the room. The scuffle halts. It wasn’t going well for Small Man.

“52/48 – Leave win!” is written large upon the paper.

Small Man (from underneath Big Blonde Man’s bum)

”It’s okay. No one will take a margin of victory that slight to mean anything but Leave demanding the result is implemented and the prime minister saying he’ll explore the advice. Long grass. We can still grow the long grass and shove Brexit into it. David will know what to do.”

Big Blonde Man

“I’m going to use this narrow victory to batter his blue balls black. I’ll be prime minister in a month. You wait until old Rees-mogg and the other ERG sociopaths start firing off letters to the 1922 committee demanding a leadership contest because Dave won’t trigger Article 50.”

Small Man

“We’ll drag him from Downing Street kicking and screaming. I’ll be chancellor by the end of the month.”

Big Blonde Man

“I thought you wanted to be secretary of state for the environment?”

Small Man

“Don’t joke. Now is not the time.”

A second piece of paper is extended into the room.

“David Cameron has quit!”

Big Blonde Man chases Small Man around the room. Play that Benny Hill music.

A Big Breasted Blonde in a red bus costume enters the room and Big Blonde Man chases her. She gets mixed up with them.

A Policeman with his whistle. Get him in there.

Vladimir Putin lookalike. Throw him in.

Nigel Farage in a Hitler costume. Him too.

Donald Trump in a baby’s nappy. He’s got a rattle. Let’s have him.

Queen Elizabeth II looks into the room. She’s wearing that EU flag hat. She shakes her head and turns around.

FADE TO

Press conference. Michael Gove and Boris Johnson on the morning of Leave’s victory. You’ve never seen two men more disappointed to win.

Michael Gove (whisper to Boris Johnson)

“We’re so screwed.”

Boris Johnson

“Take back control Mickey. We’ve got to take back control.”

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Don’t Know expected to form new centre left political party

The new kid on the block of British politics, Don’t Know, is expected to announce shortly they are to form a new centre left political party and challenge both of the old, dog tired, useless in the face of hard right racketeering parties.

We spoke to Don’t Know in an exclusive interview to find out more about their plans and vision for the U.K.

”You weren’t followed, were you?” Don’t Know asked, without even saying hello.

”We’re in my office,” our reporter replied, “and I haven’t left the house in a week due to a Netflix binge, so I doubt it. What about you?”

Don’t Know nodded and accepted the offered seat.

”I’m followed all over,” they said, “sometimes it feels like nearly half the country is right behind me. Other days less.”

Is this why you’re forming your own political party and challenging the two old parties who both claim to be up to the job of protecting Britain from foreign interference in our democratic process, while simultaneously promoting one of the pet projects of malicious external actors?

”That, and the fact I’m bloody popular. I’ve been outpolling that old shovel Corbs for months even once you allow for polling errors and I’m breathing down the Maybot’s neck. Which isn’t hard to do of course. Or shouldn’t be. What the hell is Corbyn up to? The long game?”

Don’t Know pauses to shake their head, before going on,

“Now is the time to push forward and capture the mass of swing voters who are looking for an honest broker.”

You’re not worried power will corrupt?

”Yes of course I am. And I’m bloody keen to test my character from the big chair at 10 Downing Street.”

I don’t suppose you could do worse than the AI system already there.

”Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure. Conditions are ripening in the U.K. for a new populist with charisma to sweep the board, as people realise the old hands aren’t up to the job. I may not be as nice as you hope.”

You’re not really selling yourself to me.

”You wait until I’m polling over 50% and ride down Pall Mall on an actual unicorn. Indecision will vanish in a flash. And besides I might just be the shot in the ass both main parties are looking for to decide to back a leader who can beat Don’t Know hands down.”

Rather than leaders who frame the national debacle currently going on and are making things worse week by week?

”I was going to end with I don’t know about you, but now you’ve spoiled it.”

I don’t know how?

”I do. I’m a more important indicator of what’s happening in our politics than most people think.”

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BBC Radio 4 shock as John Humphrys replaced by boiled ham and no one notices

BBC bosses were celebrating  today after the revelation that R4 Today programme presenter John Humphrys was replaced by a boiled ham shortly after the EUref in 2016, and people are only now noticing.

The scandal is made worse by the unconfirmed allegation that Mr Humphrys has continued to received his six figure salary while at home tending his plants and comfortable in his biases.

“He spends his days reading copies of the The Daily Mail, The Express and The Sun to the orchids he has imprisoned in his conserva-tory,” a whistleblower told LCD Views, “any orchid that doesn’t flower by page three of The Sun he moves to a deep chest freezer as punishment.”

But when questioned over the growing scandal, Today programme presenter, former tabloid editor S Sands, was unrepentant.

“This is to help make a success of Brexit,” she told us, “and you can take your concerns about impartiality and shove it.

I’ve probably got another lunch with Murdoch, Fox, Banks and some other chums later. Not that that means anything.

From the moment lazy ass PM David Cameron began replacing executives in the power structure with Tory saboteurs we felt confident we could dumb down the nation sufficiently to get anything we wanted done.”

Supporters of the BBC have also rushed to its defence.

“Anyone that tells you the BBC should be focused on getting to the truth of matters, transmitting facts as best can be ascertained, rather than allowing equal air time to con artists, chancers and someone to interrupt constantly who thought they were coming on to discuss reality, has forgotten the whole point of having a state controlled broadcaster,” opined amateur WW2 fetishist, Nigel, of no fixed address.

But the BBC used to be famous for the standards of its journalism? Now it just sounds like a series of broadcasts from the Ministry of Propaganda, day in and day out.

“So? Do you want to make a success of turning the UK into a giant tax haven or not? And can you you honestly say that the boiled ham has said anything that John wouldn’t have said?”

A good point.

“Remoaners turning off the Beeb is entirely the point of replacing Humphrys with a boiled ham.”

It doesn’t make much sense, given Humphrys was happy to be total gammon anyway?

“Nothing is supposed to make sense to the public. It’s supposed to be confusing. It’s supposed to be a shambles. It’s supposed to be distracting. You’re not supposed to be noticing the clock running down as we hurtle towards economic calamity and total privatisation of UK plc. You focusing on this revelation is doing the job for us.”

Is that because otherwise I might be focusing on May’s plan to stuff the House of Lords with all manner of pork products next week? Using the distraction of the royal wedding as a cover?

“You can answer that for yourself.”

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Brexit fragrance withdrawn from sale after causing thinking difficulties in users

Terrible news from the Westminster Village business park today with the announcement that the popular fragrance “Imperial Nostalgia”, by Brexit (a subsidiary of the Brexit Industries group of companies), has been withdrawn from sale after wearers of the stench experienced thinking difficulties.

We spoke to one of the head product developers at Brexit to find out how this could possibly have happened.

”Beats me,” Mr A Dick said, “we tested the fragrance extensively for decades on ham based products of all kinds by repeatedly smashing a brick wrapped in a Daily Mail into their foreheads and all they smelt were classic English roses.”

But it seems that testing wasn’t extensive enough as since its release consumers of the populist product have had difficulties doing the most basic of tasks.

”We don’t think it’s our fault,” Brexit’s representatives went on, and on, and on, “it’s probably the fault of the Irish or the EU superstate tyranny and all their boring regulations relating to not getting people in Ireland killed just to satisfy the greed and arrogance of some complete asses like Rees-mogg and his kind.”

But whoever is to blame the symptoms related to use of “Imperial Nostalgia” are undeniable.

”We’ll muddle through,” the product designer reassured, “back in the lab someone is sure to hit upon the missing bit of magical thinking that explains how you can both be in a customs union and outside of one.”

Any early ideas?

”Yes. I suspect we need more imperial nostalgia mixed into the complete and utter con artist bullshit that is the core ingredient. If we can do that the Irish will just buckle under and do what they’re told, just like the French.”

Good luck with that.

”Do you want a complimentary bottle?”

No thanks, I enjoy being able to place facts side by side and draw conclusions. I don’t want your thinking difficulties.

“Remoaner. If you’d just wear imperial nostalgia stench we could make a success of this.”

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BBC ban on the term ‘gammon’ slammed for pandering to Muslims

Angry old men, affectionately referred to as ‘gammons’, have reacted badly to the announcement that the BBC was not going to use the word ‘gammon’ to describe them. One such man, spokesman of the Pork Information Group (PIG), has gone as far as to blame this on Muslim appeasement.

“This has gone far enough!” thundered PIG leader Hammond Chipps. “What’s wrong with calling people gammons? Oh yes, Muslims don’t eat it, so the lefty libtard snowflake BBC won’t mention it because it’s “offensive”. You know what? I don’t care. I’m gammon and proud of it. This is our country, if you don’t like it go home!”

Chipps paused to mop his florid forehead and regain his breath. Blood vessels pulsed menacingly under his ruddy skin.

“The limp-wristed traitorous BBC is stopping free speech,” Chipps continued, puffing like a poorly maintained steam engine. “In our country we can say what we like! The PIG says it as it is, and anyone who doesn’t like it should shut up!”

The very definition of free speech, I’m sure you will agree.

LCD’s Meat Metaphors correspondent sought the opinion from the Islamic point of view. “I’m tired of repeating myself,” said Hamza Fensive of Muslims Of Britain (MOB). “Muslims are not offended by pigs or pork. Calling people gammons is fine, yes they do look a bit meaty, don’t they?”

If you don’t like it go home? If you don’t like it shut up?

“Here we go again,” sighed Fensive, his eyeballs rolling audibly. “MOB members all live in the UK, and we are not the ones making all the noise! Tell you what though. Our Mosque gets bombarded with bacon. Well, we won’t eat it, but some of our more enterprising chaps have opened a pop-up shop selling bacon sandwiches!”

The BBC was too chicken to speak to us. However, in a statement it claimed that the term “gammon” was borderline racist, probably, and that the BBC didn’t want to offend their core audience of Question Time plants.

The BBC is chicken about gammon plants, and those who reject pork are bringing home the bacon. Brexit Britain in a nutshell. The world’s gone crackers.

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Proof found that human evolution has ceased

Success today for acclaimed biologist and evolutionary scientist Professor Faxenstuf with the publication of his paper proving human evolution has ceased.

”It may not be going too far to say it is now in reverse,” the professor told LCD Views this morning, at a star studded launch of his exhausted one hundred word paper.

But what does the professor put the abrupt halt to human biological and neurological evolution down to?

”Social media,” he answers, “it is mostly to blame. It has allowed pockets of the gene pool hitherto isolated to contact and procreaate retrograde and self-defeating psychological gene mutations in the service of parasitical organisms at a rate the natural cycle can not eliminate quickly enough to stop further inbreeding. We’re doomed. It’s the Tower of Babel all over again.”

Whats the bible got to do with it?

”Not a lot if you’re an elected official who proclaims to adhere to any particular set of religious teachings. Clearly.”

So is there any hope of stopping the spread of the genes driving human evolution in reverse?

”Laws banning the use of caps locks without passing a test similar to a driver’s license would be a start. It should help reduce the number of fateful pairings of ideological matches that help reverse the natural progression.”

Any other measures?

”People doing the smallest amount of flipping fact checking and research. Closing The Daily Mail and all the other tax exile owned rags, which provide nesting material. There’s many things.”

That’s good. So it’s not too late?

”I wouldn’t be so sure. Look at who is currently the most dominant alpha figures both sides of the pond.”

Fire Boris Johnson.

”Definitely. May actually be the silver bullet we need. Twinned with Drumpf’s looming impeachment of course.”

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Remainers warned they’re running out of time to come up with viable Brexit plan

A cross party committee of ultra, heavy, hard and completely f+cking deluded Brexiters have warned Remainers today that they’re running out of time to come up with a viable Brexit plan.

We asked the committee just how cross they were?

”Very.”

That’s very cross?

”Steaming mad.”

So you’re unhinged too?

”Like a broken door on a fridge in a back yard left to the foxes and brambles unhinged.”

So what is to be done about it?

”It’s the bloody remoaniacs. No imagination for how to make Brexit work. They’re just running down the clock until it collapses under the gravity of its own idiocy and greed and we’re not standing for it.”

You’re not standing for it any longer?

”No. we’re sitting down. We’re having a sit in.”

Where are you having the sit down-in?

”The listed address?”

It would be helpful to know where in case people want to bring you sandwiches laced with purgatives.

”Panama mostly. One address. Thousands of companies. Very effective.”

But you’re hoping to move the sit down-in to London?

”That’s the whole bloody point of Brexit. If these moaning EU tyranny lapdogs don’t get their thinking caps on fast and work out solutions to the unsolvable Brexit problems Parliament may take back control and stuff the whole con. It was a long con. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy, for years, to pull it off.”

Almost pull it off.

”We would have done it by now if the blasted Maybot and got her majority increased last year.

That’s the fault of treacherous remoaning remainiacs too. Lending all those votes to Labour thinking Corbyn would fight Brexit. Ha!

Corbyn being more powerful was part of the plan. Allegedly. Although I don’t know why Labour handed its entire voter database to Leave EU before the ref so they could target Brexit friendly Labour voters.

Who does know?

Corbyn was actually supposed to win the GE, we made the Tories manifesto so toxic! But no. Not enough EU moaners voted for him either. It was supposed to be a win-win even if we lost.”

This sounds a little confusing.

”A swindle is supposed to confuse its targets. But I don’t think the remainers are going to solve the problems we’ve created by not planning what came after any ref win.”

You’re sounding like me now. Doubting the project?

”It’ll still work. Just so long as all those people so obsessed with facts, reason and defending rule of law can be silenced before MPs find where their spines are.”

We better get to work fast.

”I’ve got a fag packet have you got a pen?”

No. I’m using a smart phone for this. Good luck. You’re running out of time.

”No. You are.”

To solve the problems you wanted and actively worked to create?

”That’s right. Stop moaning and get behind Brexit and push.”

Fat chance. Good luck. Tick tock.

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Government to decide on viable post Brexit customs offer to put to EU

Progress on post Brexit customs arrangements with the European Union finally with the news that May’s government is to settle on a viable proposal to put to the EU shortly, before their summit in June.

“The chaps over at DExEU have been working hand in hand with the cabinet to finally crack the nut,” Downing Street insider, A Potplant told us today, “and I tell you, it’s been like two Edward Scissorhands holding hands and choosing a kitten. Which was is fluffiest? Shall I pick it up or you? Really great team work and no harm done to pre-existing or future prosperity.”

Responding to the reassuring collection of words put together and released in sentences we asked what exactly was meant though, by crack the nut?

”What? It was just a figure of speech. That’s how we communicate with May up top. It’s not supposed to convey actual meaning when we use it, it’s just there to dazzle. Like her first one, Brexit means Brexit. Still golden.”

Okay. Understood. Nothing that comes out of the terrified chamber of delirium and mirrors that is May’s government is to be believed.

”Don’t you want to hear about our latest offer on customs?”

I can’t wait. Let’s have it. But please tell me it hasn’t already been rejected by the EU twice like the two you’ve spent the last few weeks arguing over?

”It’s all new and it will mean free and frictionless trade continuing cross borders once we crash out.”

This is good news. What’s it look like?

”Flying pigs.”

Excuse me? Another figure of speech which means nothing coming from your shower of an executive?

”No. Literally, actual flying pigs. It was Davis’ idea. He got it as he ate the worm from a bottle of Mescal in the subsidised commons bar. Bloody genius. And best of all the EU hasn’t rejected it yet.”

How is it going to work?

”We’re going to genetically modify pigs to grow wings. Train them to carry cargo and Bob’s your uncle! They’ll fly right over the channel if they know there’s a treat on the other side. Traffic can continue below unimpeded.”

So you’re saying after all the dead unicorns, after all the missing cake, Global Britain’s future is winged pigs?

”Yes. The best sort. As they can fly.”

 

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Three tenors sign to sing “The People Had A Vote” at U.K. funeral service 01/04/2019

LCD Views is just so bloody chuffed to be chosen to announce that the three Brexit tenors have signed up to sing “The People Had A Vote” at the United Kingdom’s funeral service to be held on the 01/04/2019.

Details of the service have been kept under wraps until now, largely because there are so few of them, but tickets will shortly go on sale for the funeral at a price point set by Labour Live to make it tricky for people on benefits to attend.

Conservative party members will be receiving complimentary tickets with this winter’s winter fuel payments, dependent on their post code. This means weird, working class Tories can expect to pay up front like everyone else.

The service is to be held on Westminster Green.

We spoke to the composer of “The People Had A Vote”, British-French-German songmeister N. Far-r-rage to learn more.

“I can sing it for you if you like?” He offered.

The entire song?

“God save our gracious vote, long live our noble vote,”

Sorry to interrupt you, but have you just ripped off “God Save The Queen” and swapped vote for queen all the way through?

“If you’ll let me finish…God save the vote: Send it victorious, fascist and laborious, long to reign over us, God save the vote”

We get the idea. You can stop singing now. In fact, it would be best if you did.

“O Vote, our God, arise, scatter thine enemies”

Please. We get the gist. It’s stunning. How much are the tickets for the funeral?

“Oh, it’ll cost everyone the same. Just the UK’s service economy, hi tech industry, agriculture, fishing, car manufacturing and the NHS. That ought to cover it.”

That cheap? What about parliamentary democracy?

“That too. That’s why I’ve called it the people had a vote. Proper British parliamentary democracy is already half buried, even though it’s a bit of a zombie and keeps trying to climb out of the grave we keep trying to shove it back in.

Throw some clods of dirt on its face lads!

Get the offshore, tax exile, right wing media owners to run some front pages with traitors! Let’s make London’s sole surviving industry the legitimising of kleptocratic wealth! That’s Brexit! Let’s bury the judiciary and the flaming Lords while we’re at it too.”

So who else is going to sing at the funeral for the United Kingdom?

“The radio four choir will all be there. All the way from Robinson to Marr and back. Although Humphrys will be centre stage as one of the tenors, alongside myself and trusty old Corbs. Hundreds of MPs far too gutless to defend parliamentary sovereignty against an autocratic, but otherwise clueless, executive.”

Oh, that is a scoop, we heard Corbyn was intending to abstain from the service because he has a small town hall meeting somewhere off the M4 to attend on the day? Or he was planning a camping holiday. Something like that. Plausible deniability.

“Jezza will be there. The day we bury the United Kingdom is the day we birth Brexitlandia. He wouldn’t miss it for quids. He’s been in labour since the 1970’s for this baby. He and May have already agreed to formally adopt this baby, even while it gestates.”

Fantastic. Thank you for your time. One more question. Why hold the service on the 1st April 2019?

“Because two days is about as long as we expect it’ll take between the end of the two year article 50 notification period for Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales and Cornwall to bugger right off and put the union of the United Kingdom in the ground. Let’s party! All the way to the tax haven of the North Sea!”

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Dummy confident of surviving crash the economy test. Because. It’s. A. Dummy

LCD Views is thrilled to have been afforded the opportunity to talk to a popular model of crash test dummy today, just before it undergoes another ‘crash the economy’ test against the customs union wall.

“I’m all strapped in. My hands are on the steering wheel,” the dummy told us, a little breathlessly, “I don’t know which why I’m supposed to turn the wheel though? I never can decide. Each time I undertake a test it leaves me with amnesia. Silly me. What a dummy!”

Don’t worry, you don’t have to steer the test car.

“Why not? But I’m in the driver’s seat.”

You just think you are.

“Now you’re confusing me. Why don’t I have to steer?”

You’re just supposed to crash into that hard, unrelenting, smashifying brick wall as hard as you can and take out as many check and balance bricks as possible!

“Oh! Even a dummy can do that!”

We know. That’s why you’re in the driver’s seat.

“I can turn right. I’m sure I can manage that. As hard right as you like?”

You’ve turned in that direction enough already. Have you seen the damage you’ve done to the test bystanders? I would suggest straightening up a lot before your repeated collisions with the reality wall lead to a heavy far left adjustment that will likely do just as much damage.

“Oh, that far left dummy is already in the car with me! In the back seat. Take a look. He thinks he’ll survive the test too. I’ve told him if I go down he’s coming with me. Did you read those articles stating that Labour shared its entire voter database with Leave EU in the later half of 2015?”

That was not a drill.

“No. Amazing. It’s like the whole test was rigged from the start. Well, here I go. Put the pedal to the medal and hit the wall as hard as you can.”

Do you ever wonder what’s on the other side of the wall?

“Oh, I’m not that big of a dummy. It’s tax havens and mountains of kleptocratic wealth determined to stew the democracies of the world to shit!”

Wow. Enjoy the ride!

“You too! You’re in the boot of the test car!.”

FFS.