Lifecycle of stubborn domestic pest explained in handy new picture book

LCD Views is proud to announce today that in partnership with WTACTUALF Press we have launched a handy new picture book to explain the lifecycle of a stubborn domestic pest infecting our politics.

“It’s the Mikey Takethe Mikey Goveoverus,” Gary, author of the book explains at a star studded launch this morning in Mayfair attended by all of the MSM. Well some of it. Okay. None of it. And it wasn’t in Mayfair.

“It’s to be found in most homes most days,” Gary says, “most domestic pests generally enter through gaps in the skirting boards or the flooring, maybe a window or door left open, but the Mikey gets in through both the television and any functioning radio left on too long.

They are spawned by the people of Surrey Heath who perplexingly keep creating the perfect breeding conditions. From there it spreads across the entirety of the United Kingdom.”

While the latin name is rather long, the common name is just Gove.

“It’s more pernicious than ash dieback, the grey squirrel, those little crayfish in the Thames or even crabs,” Gary adds, “its chief damage is caused through lying and a sociopathic self-interest which leads to a rot in democratic accountability. It’s very pernicious. Very good at spawning itself anew. If its favoured food source is unavailable it will often feed off a very common food source found all over, the Murdoch press (not a tree, but too many have died for it) until it’s ready to breed again.”

But what to do about it?

“Well once Gove gets passed the cocoon stage to the flying monkey from Wizard of Oz it’s severe and hard to treat. The best bet is to not vote for it again when it is in the larval stage.

Once at the flying monkey stage it will choose a larger host to lay its eggs in, like a governing cabinet or a Boris Johnson and then we’re really in for it for four or five years until the lifecycle runs its course again.”

Are there any steps that can be taken by ordinary people to prevent its spread?

“Yes. You could try going to Surrey Heath and asking them wtf they are thinking the next time a general election is called. Probably as soon as June or July.”

The picture book is free with all editions of LCD Views and won’t be found at newsagents or off licenses, but at all good Facebook, Twitter and a web outlet. Together we can take back control and eradicate this invasive pest from our politics. We can do it.

Cabinet finalising two different options for post Brexit customs union

The brightest and the best of British politics are to meet tomorrow to decide on the preferred option to put to the European Union again for new, post Brexit customs arrangements, having been separated into working groups to decide on options already rejected by the largest trading bloc on Earth. Because that’s how Global Britain rolls.

”I favour a great big whoosh!” said state funded economic arse-onist, Boris Johnson, “bally big fire! Forget the popcorn, bring the marshmallows!”

And while he appears to bafflingly have considerable support amongst colleagues for the ‘just set fire to the world and watch it all burn’ customs arrangements, some of his peers aren’t signed up to his plan.

“Surely we’d be better off putting the pedal to the medal and slamming the economy into the nearest tree?” Ms May, nominal head of the teams asked, “you know, use the technology available. Internal combustion engine, four wheels and a tree? Not everyone will go through the windscreen, surely?”

It’s uncertain which option will be chosen, it’s also highly possible no option will be chosen and the decision delayed again just so Ms May can continue pretending she’s the one making decisions, that she never makes.

Which is par for course for a micro-managing control freak confronted with a big picture decision with more variables than is psychologically safe for her to consider at once.

We asked the European Union what they thought of the tree or flaming zeppelin proposals for post Brexit cross border trade?

”We’ve already said no to both,” a boring foreign chap in a suit droned on relentlessly in a pragmatic way that is just putting everyone in political power in the U.K. to sleep.

So let’s not listen to them. If only they would stop ears dropping on our news and media, it’d all be so much easier. We don’t bother to learn their languages because we’re superior. What right have they to learn ours? They’re just jealous of our exceptionalism.

And all these rules based systems so people don’t destroy industries that take decades of investment and commitment to nuture? Yawn.

We next asked if perhaps the people of the United Kingdom should be tasked with deciding between slamming at full speed into a tree or falling burning and screaming to the ground in terror, or perhaps not doing either?

But John Humphrys phoned us up and shouted like the blinkered, comfortably biased old timer he now is that the PEOPLE HAD A VOTE. Past tense on the democratic front.

It’s all rather confusing. This is because the decisions about our future are being predicated on what keeps a couple of dozen f*ckwits in power a little longer and not what is best for the country. Better get the marshmallows. Or strap yourself in. Take your pick?

Maybot issues call for help from Downing Street water closet

The fully automated prime ministerial system Maybot 9000 has issued a call for help from the 10 Downing Street water closet after becoming trapped inside with her own screams.

”We’re bloody chuffed,” IT specialist on the project, Mr R Murdoch, told LCD Views, “we didn’t even realise the Maybot 9000 was capable of turning handles, let alone succeeding in locking itself inside a water closet.”

But capable of it she is.

”It’s quite amazing. When we showcased her to the commissioning committee in 2016, we had to prove we had programmed her to push doors with pull written on them. It didn’t occur to anyone to test the AI with handles you can turn.”

But it seems the surprises keep coming, and the call for help, issued this morning was another.

”A Tory 1922 systems platform being capable of going online and utilising social media? Well, none of the actual human simulations can do that. After calling and calling for help and no one answering it seems she got inventive. Which is also odd, as she’s only programmed to use messenger pigeons. Most of those get eaten over London by falcons.

But it seems we may have accidentally produced a Terminator? If the tin can can turn doors. At least so far as civil liberties and anyone not born to inherited wealth who can just buy themselves a burgundy passport is concerned.”

So did a crew go and help her?

”What?”

Surely once the call for help was identified floating about Twitter and Facebook a team was sent to open the door?

”Well she’s locked herself in on the inside. I don’t think anyone is in a great hurry. We’re actually curious to see how long it takes for her to figure a way out of the corner she’s backed herself into.

Right now, we can see from her onboard CCTV, she’s just turning in desperate circles saying, ‘I’m sorry Dave. You ran away. I’m sorry Dave’.”

She’s apologising to someone?

”It sounds more like an accusation. She injects something about making sweet, sweet love to a pig’s face every now and then.”

So how long till she can free herself?

”Based on current performance? I’d say never. She’ll be decommissioned and serve out her long battery life as a flashing light on the turn off to a road to nowhere.”

You mean driving along the road Brexit?

”Oh, she’s already a warning about that. It’s a tangible benefit of the Maybot 9000 project. I hope people are paying attention.”

 

Man who set his house on fire to now spend his time blaming people who said don’t set your house on fire

A man who set his house on fire while having a right on party with his friends is so upset now that his house is burning he is to spend his time now blaming other people he tricked and forced to attend his party, people who said we don’t want to be at your party, please don’t set your house on fire.

“He should not,” one of his friends advises, “call any firefighters to help, because if the house burns long enough, ten years or more, everyone will see he was right to burn it to the ground. It will burn the rights of tens of millions of people with it and a few of us will get richer. It will be worth it. Then he can just build a new house using money tricked out of the poorest.”

But the man himself looks a little uncertain as the fluffs of ash begin falling on his expensive suit.

“I actually expected the firefighters to help me set the house on fire at first,” the man told us, “they all just stood around at the start going ‘mate, don’t do it, don’t pour that petrol on your house and flick a match on it, it’s not going to end well, it’ll burn more than the massive catalogue of rights for non-wealthy citizens that you expect to turn to ash’. Bloody remoaning firefighters, what use are they? Why don’t they get behind me now and help make a success of the fire? This makes it their fault. By the way, I am a narcissistic buffoon who is psychologically incapable of self examination and learning.”

The man made these comments as the thatch on his house, named Little England, caught fire and a spiralling funnel of black and grey smoke drifted up into the clear sky, blocking out the sun.

“You can see France from my house when it isn’t cloudy,” the man commented, “not that anyone wants to see France. Why would you want to see France? Why would anyone young enough want to take advantage of a month of free rail travel to understand that people are just people regardless of whatever borders people impose to separate and divide and…sorry. I need to reset my robot brain. Right. What have they got over there but the cheese they just have to sell to us or their economy will collapse?”

We asked what he intended to do about the growing blaze now he’d finished ranting about France?

“Watch it burn I guess and blame everyone trying to throw buckets of water on it,” he shrugged, “it’s not my fault. Nobody told me fire was flammable. How could I have known? Is ignorance a defence? If it is I’m very well armoured.”

May divides her cabinet into the short planks and the nuts

Baffled British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has divided her most loathed piece of furniture, her cabinet, into the short planks and the nuts which comprise it in order to put it back together again and hope it’s more stable.

”She hates her cabinet,” Downing Street insider, Mr Spoon, told LCD Views during a private tour of the building, “we don’t have long. She has to genuflect before Paul Dacre later. So let’s show you the two piles she’s made before she comes back from praying for divine inspiration.”

We moved swiftly down the corridor, attempting not to notice the rank smell pervading everywhere, and failing.

”Don’t worry about the stench. We need to open some windows and air out.”

Is it the Thames?

”It’s customs union policies. They’re all rotten. And whatever you do don’t open the door marked ‘80% of the U.K.’s economy’. You’ll throw up, which won’t help the atmosphere at all.”

What’s behind that door?

”Oh, the determination to pull the U.K. out of the single market to keep the gammon happy. But lucky for us Jeremy ‘principles’ Corbyn is backing May on that one. If you work out why, given the clear loss of potentially 100,000’s of jobs that entails, please tell me why privately.”

We continued past a hessian sack. It was massive. Big enough to easily fit about twenty people in. And it was moving and writhing and groaning.

What’s in the massive sack? Is that where you’re keeping Boris?

“Don’t be silly. Boris is on top of the nut pile. David Davis is on top of the short planks. The sack is all the civil servants we’re keeping prisoner in the hope of them getting Stockholm Syndrome like the rest of us.”

When does May plan on putting the short planks and the nuts back together?

”She’ll put it off as long as possible. She’s playing for time.”

That’s a commodity she’s fast running out of.

”That’s the key to a successful Brexit. No solutions. A giant crash heard all over the world. Anything less no modern British prime minister in the pocket of asset strippers could possibly sign up to.”

We entered the room where the short planks were stacked and the nuts dumped in a pile.

We were shocked. The leader of the Labour Party was there too, in between the piles.

What’s Jeremy Corbyn doing in between the piles?

”Good bloody question. No one can work it out. But whatever you do don’t ask why Labour allegedly handed all its voter details to Leave EU after Corbyn became leader and before the ref in 2016. His presence here is our glue. Without it we may never get the cabinet to stick back together, or make a success of Brexit.”

Brexit Foods ‘Brexitella’ product recall urged after reports of the runs

Economic health and safety experts have urged a product recall of Brexit Foods ‘Brexitella’ after everyone eating it except for Jacob Reeks of smogg got the runs.

“Who needs experts,” Mr Reeks of smogg asked rhetorically, while squatting with his trousers around his ankles and a jar of Brexitella in his ancient times medieval minded hands, over a map of the Irish Border, “experts ruin populism. This jar holds the taste of blue passports, in every single jar. Now please fetch my nanny to wipe my bum.”

But in spite of the insistence from the faux statesman that Brexitella is good for you, campaigners for better eating have pointed out the list of ingredients was bound to give everyone the shits.

The ingredient list is substantial.

Broken glass because all the jars are pre-broken before sale. Scat from various murky sources, some of them still to be revealed. It would be nice to know where Arron, take your law and shove it, Banks got his millions from in 2015. An escalating cost, even after you’ve purchased a jar and opened it. The future screaming of frustrated British youth while watching a whole continent of their peers enjoy freedoms a bunch of racist, nostalgia freaks and asset strippers decided to strip off them to make tax havens fatter. Electoral fraud. Foreign interference. Lies. Lies. More lies. A big red bus. Boris Johnson. The end of the manufacturing of any noticeable quantity and everyone on the planet thinking we’re a bunch of pillocks. The creation of extremes in British politics dominated by a faith driven mindset that sees all others as heretics. Continual economic decline. The blame game. The holding to ransom of millions of people who legally moved to the U.K., mistakingly believing the United Kingdom was welcoming them as family. A paralysed government, which may not in some ways be completely bad given the government is currently a bunch of people with Tory mindsets lifted straight out of the later Georgian period, but in the end, will ruin everyone hand in hand with the official opposition, which is completely useless because it wants Brexit too. And a disregard of the rule of law, which underpins prosperity in democracies.

There is more to the list. But you get the flavour of it.

“It’s delicious,” Jacob, the ’emerging markets’ specialist, oozed, “try it on a bendy banana. Maybe on an island jammed full of shell companies. Which sell shells!”

We asked our democratic health expert for their opinion, “Just don’t eat it. Return it. That’s our advice and our advice is good for you. Much better than a jar full of Brexit scat which will just give you the runs, even after you’ve decided not to eat it.”

The best way to help deprived kids is to fund privileged kids, says education secretary

The Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, announced the great news that his department is doing more for deprived British children. This is to be achieved by pouring money into the grammar schools, which cater mainly for the children of the wealthy and privileged.

It is not immediately clear how this will actually operate. So we asked junior education minister, Lady Jolly Hockeysticks, to explain.

“One would have thought it was bloody obvious,” she shrilled, in a voice that made every fox within a five-mile radius scurry for cover. “It’s The Blessed Margaret’s trickle-down effect. The best way to help people is to make them sweat for every penny. No more handouts!”

Wouldn’t it be more effective to fund schools in deprived areas directly, we ventured.

“Certainly not!” she retorted. “Local knowledge is required, and who better than local schools? Obviously the best schools will be in a position to help the rest.”

And by which criterion do you decide which schools are best?

“By exam results,” she screamed triumphantly. “Grammar schools provide the best education to the best children!”

Please define what you mean by the best children.

“Grammar schools attract the brightest and the best,” she exhorted in a schoolmarmy tone. “But quality doesn’t come cheap, so there is always a proportion of kids so rich that they can buy top grades!”

Then why the need to pump more public funds into grammar schools?

“So they can recruit token poor kids,” she declared. “As a sop to those who think we don’t care about them. Of course we care. We care so much that we are willing to subsidise wealthy quasi-private education businesses in order to encourage philanthropy.”

“It’s a return to Victorian values,” countered education expert Chalky McChalkface. “Education for the well-off, and who cares about the poor, they are all going to grow up scrounging anyway. Lady Hockeysticks wouldn’t last five minutes in an inner-city comprehensive. She would be torn to pieces like a hunted fox.”

Damian “Horse and’ Hinds was said to be delighted with the squabbling which detracted from the catastrophic mess that is Brexit. At least legions of loyal Daily Telegraph readers will wake up to a good news headline for once tomorrow.

May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period, well at least until October 31st. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

United Kingdom to be renamed The Democratic People’s Republic of England after Brexit

Lovers of democracy were dancing around the unmoved statue of Oliver Cromwell on Westminster Green today with the announcement from government that the United Kingdom is to be renamed ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ after Brexit.

“You think the Irish Border is a pickle,” senior cabinet minister, Mr Bumble Fumble, MP for Fumbling-on-Hye, told us, “wait until we have to work out where to put the border between ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ and the Cornish Free Fishing State. My personal preference is across Bodmin Moor with a customs checkpoint on the A30, where it goes under that overpass and everyone despairs about traffic jams.”

But dispute has reportedly apparently broken out in cabinet over why the government has chosen “the” and not “a” for the start of the name.

“Well, there are many democratic people’s republics on the map, but there will only be one with England in the name. So the definite article is best. We know old Corbs is suggesting the indefinite, but that’s a fudge. We need a strong and stable name for the post union United Kingdom.”

Other issues, relating to the Welsh and Scottish borders are yet to be resolved, with the cabinet being unwilling to allow Scotland in particular to break away from the union.

“We need their resources,” Mr Bumble told us, “have you seen the absolutely mad way they’re going after building renewable energy supplies while May has us trying to frack the crap out of people’s back yards south of the wall? Very short sighted of the Scots. We’ll be having those windmills and Archimedes screws and what not and laughing as their lights go out.”

A new flag is also on the way with the designers believed to be settling on a picture of a piece of gammon being bashed by a heavy set, thick, white English man’s forehead.

“I’m against the flag. It’s a travesty,” Mr Bumble adds, “it doesn’t feature any images of island paradise tax havens. Given that war with Scotland, building a wall with Scotland, and allowing easy legitimisation of kleptocratic wealth via our overseas territories channeled with shell companies into the London property market is the only economic plan, it’s a bit bloody rich not to stick a desert island with a palm tree on the flag.”

More details of how the new post Brexit country will be organised will be revealed as cabinet settles on the details.

“I can tell you that rabble rousers like your little rag will be closed down,” Mr Bumble smiles, “but the BBC is staying put. It’ll just be moved into the oversight of the Ministry of Propaganda to help make a success of The Democratic People’s Republic of England.”

We asked Jeremy Corbyn for comment but he abstained, which shows he knows exactly how the official opposition will continue to operate in the DPRE, whoever is pretending to be in charge.

Corbyn to call for a Yobs First Brexit now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense

Fearless leader of something Jeremy Corbyn is to revise his well known call for a ‘Jobs First Brexit’ to calling for a ‘Yobs First Brexit’ now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense.

“It’ll catch the government completely off guard,” E T told LCD Views, “May is still babbling away on a Brexit that works for everybody. What a clown.

Surely she’s learned from the local election results that you can’t try and please everyone. You’ve got to identify the most credulous section of the voting demographic and squabble like mad over that one while everyone else looks on and starts voting for someone else.”

In what manner are they looking on?

”Despair. Frustration. Rage. Complete disbelief at the cynicism of both major parity leaderships. Impatience. And so on. It’s a long list.”

But why the change from a jobs first Brexit? It’s really catchy!

”Its because it’s rapidly dawning on the entire U.K., excepting the bigots and faith based, that under Labour’s plan of fence sitting and hedging our bets, rather than tearing the useless, shambolic and cruel Tories out of office by full throttle opposition to Brexit, that jobs first Brexit is the one where the jobs all go and then we Brexit. It’s a casserole of nonsense. It’s pretty much Tory hard Brexit. So we’ve switched so people can see a real alternative.”

Why the yobs first?

”Because they’re the only ones who are going to be pleased by Brexit now whatever shape it is in. As long as they get to kick out some foreigners they’ll be happy. Even if they’re starving thanks to inflation and the NHS has collapsed.”

This all sounds promising. Jezza really tore into May yesterday too.

”Yeah that’s how we roll. We please Leavers one day with some statement of utter economic idiocy and then we flip the next to reassure the remainers. You can see by the local election results that it’s really starting to pay off.”

So you’re not worried about losing millions of jobs by helping deliver any Brexit?

”No. We’ll get government on the chaos and then there will be proper, full employment instantly.”

How will you manage that if pulling our of the EU destroys millions of jobs?

”We’ll make everyone a state employee. It’s a genius plan.”

The yobs will be thrilled.

”Yes. Someone is going to have to pick the fruit and wipe the bums. It’s not going to be the politburo!”

Hmm. What about just use Brexit, the screaming wound in the Tory party, to force them out of office now. You can do all your nationalisation stuff in the EU, just so you know.

“Yes, but don’t tell anyone that or they might call for a change in leadership.”

Dont worry, Corbyn carries on offering everyone cake and not taking apart a government torn at the seams and he’ll manage that all on his own. Which is a shame really, because things could have been so different.