Daily Mail editor outrage after latest chicken entrails reading gives troubling omens for Brexit

The editor of the Daily Mail was rumoured to be in a chair throwing frenzy inside his office this morning after the latest bag of chicken entrails were spread across the floor and read for omens on Brexit.

“We normally just use tea leaves,” a woman purporting to be an aide whispered down the line to LCD’s gutter press analyst, “but with so many economic indicators showing amber to red, well, we brought in one of our heavy hitting fortune tellers.”

It’s believed the fortune teller stirred the chicken guts with ink from the Mail’s printing press over and over but each time it settled in a pattern interpreted as complete and utter screw up.

“That’s normally a good sign. We test our headlines that way. Say we’re running an article on multiculturalism and how it’s failed, we want to see a skull. The same with anything to do with health and safety gone mad, but Brexit…”

Apparently they need sunny uplands or a unicorn dancing, but it refused to show.

“He’s sent for some oxen bowels from the knacker’s yard behind our staff cafeteria. If they don’t give the answer demanded there’s going to be a heated editorial meeting over how soon we start to distance ourselves from the government and start blaming them for failing to make a success of Brexit.”

A suggestion that a total failure to plan for the desired outcome over the years spent campaigning for it was dismissed as naive.

“No one ever wanted to win. The 23rd of June was the day we lost one of greatest sources of revenue. We still haven’t gotten over it.

It’s almost as bad for us as when that measles pandemic struck and we had to stop with the anti-vax articles. Sometimes when you win you actually lose.”

Who would have ever thought of that?

May warning to Tory mutineer MPs “stop meddling in my autocracy”

The Prime Minister is rumoured to be behind a front page portrait festival on the cover of the Torygraph today to warn mutineer Tory MPs to stop meddling in her autocracy.

It’s believed fifteen rebel MPs have already told the whip they will not vote for complete and absolute lunacy, couple with autocratic powers for the government, when it comes time to put their hands up over the EU Withdrawal Bill.

“Clearly some of us will vote for something a little fruity and crazy. Just not full blown madness,” one rebel told LCD anonymously.

This vicious rebuke is said to have the PM and the coup leaders keeping her captive livid.

It’s not all bad news for the government though. Various Labour MPs named mostly after agricultural matters, such as Field and Hoe-y, are prepared to make up for the alarming shortfall in reckless ignorance of fact, should it be needed when the time comes.

“We don’t know what old Corbyn will do when it comes to it either,” an avid Westminster watching said, “he’s throwing down a few red lines in the past and then just voted with May anyway.”

But just maybe now, with enough red lights flashing warning that the country is flying headfirst into the fan, Labour will finally go Gandalf on Brexit.

“That would bring down the government,” the watcher noted, “presumably that’s what Labour and even the sane Tories want?”


In the meantime we will be framing the front page and putting it on the wall in the kitchenette of our headquarters, just to know, that somewhere in government, a lucid sense of what is democratic still survives.

Voters travelling to beaches to stick their head in Brexit sands advised to check tide tables

Health and safety watchdogs have issued a public safety directive this evening that any voters travelling to English beaches to stick their head in the Brexit sands should first check tide tables to reduce the risk of drowning.

“As the economic data worsens and reports come in of NHS and farming staff shortages, Brexit voters are increasingly taking the wise decision to stick their head in the sand,” Mr C Aps’ said.

“As a responsible government authority we request they first check the relevant tide tables so they do not drown as the tide rises about them while they are taking shelter from any information that runs contrary to the decision they have invested so much emotion into.”

There are four tides a day, two high and two low, so while it isn’t possible to go full ostrich on the beach the entire time, sufficient periods of ignorance are achievable with a little care.

LCD Views will be assisting voters who maybe unable to travel to a beach by shortly retailing Brexit Bucket and Sand Kits from our online shop, just as soon as we can secure a British sand supplier that supplies sand in red, white and blue patterns.

The buckets will be incredibly flammable should any new economic forecast come into contact with them, so further care is encouraged.

In the interim we encourage our millions of readers to just imagine they are already on the beach experiencing the cold comfort of digging a hole while the water is out and stick your head inside.

While inside be sure to repeat, I won, get over it and if preferable say it in caps.

Stay safe on Brexit sands and remember as you dig, every hole you dig is a hole dug for Britain.

Health secretary panic as rumours of him videotaped giving blood surface

Jeremy Hunt maybe forced to deny rumours that the murky figures hold a “kompromat” tape of him giving blood.

The tape, believed to be recorded nearly ten years ago, is said to be a little out of focus, but it is claimed Mr Hunt is potentially identifiable sat in a chair donating.

“He’ll be out of a job if it’s true,” an aide inside the PM’s office hypothesised.

“It’s a clear breach of party membership rules. Well, she’ll beg him to resign. What he does is up to him ultimately, of course, May governs by consent. She’s very modern in that way.”

If proven it will also be a glaring dereliction of duty, however retrospect, for a true blooded Tory health minister charged with piecemeal sale of the NHS.

It’s not clear what the holders of the tape could be demanding in order to keep it in its box and off the internet, but it’s almost certainly linked to privatisation of the NHS.

“It’s a murky web,” LCD’s security correspondent Heather Mills commented.

“I suggest follow the money. You link a private contractor in the NHS to a firm in which Trump has an interest and that will take you back to the source. It’ll be all about money at the end of the day. It always is.”

In the interim NHS blood bank staff are warned to be on the watch for anyone lingering near to a fridge, as it’s thought however long ago the mishap was, the health secretary won’t rest until he gets every last drop of the accidental donation back. If it happened of course…

Boris Johnson confirms sorry is the hardest word

A man called Boris Johnson has confirmed, following a live field test, that sorry really is the hardest word.

“It’s an oak doorstop. It’s British bluestone. It’s confoundingly confuddlingly confusesome!” the man bafflingly still Foreign Secretary declared after spending an entire day attempting to say it.

“I struggle to think,” he paused, “what could be a harder word to say than sorry. It’s child’s play when you’re not saying it to another person. But. But by Jupiter scorned by Venus for Mars I can sooner get my chops chomping on a lie the size of a big red bus than say the bally thing when a woman’s life and mental health are on the line.”

The test came about presumably because when Johnson was told to read his briefs, he decided to just wing it instead and perhaps read his actual underwear briefs?

“He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t,” LCD’s Great Powers correspondent noted.

“He’s a senior British official who’s managed to land himself smack bang in the palm of a foreign power.

May is driving Brexit forward for the benefit of foreign powers, potentially.

God only knows what Priti Patel was up to? Trying to arrange to send overseas aid money to a foreign military?

And now this Johnson is Iran’s toy. Why doesn’t he just get on a plane now and go and ask what they want to let her go?

You really have to ask yourself if it’s fair to ask any of them to say sorry, because it’s obvious all of them knows not what they do.”

Chairman May’s single thought on Brexit to be written into UK law

Exciting news for defenders of democracy this morning with the revelation that the EU Withdrawal Bill will write Chairman May’s thought on Brexit into UK law.

LCD Views spoke to our Democracy is Possible correspondent to discover more.
“Brexit means Brexit,” Ms S Ham proudly revealed. “That is our great leader’s biggest thought on Brexit.”

It’s believed it was a close run thing with red, white and blue Brexit also a contender for immortalising into the constitution we kinda have and kinda don’t.

“There will be a ceremony after the successful vote on the bill and Ms May will personally chisel her famous thought into a granite slab that will stand alongside Winston Churchill on Westminster Green.

“There’s even rumours that a hologram will be projected onto the sculpture of Winston’s face with footage of the great leader’s lips perpetually repeating the deep thought, but only until a bronze of Theresa May can be cast to replace the old bulldog.”

As to what May thinks English characteristics are, we had to request our correspondent dig back through transcripts of previous speeches and actions to see what May thinks.

“Flexibility and imagination is mentioned a lot during her reign. Generosity with food is huge. Look at all the food banks that have opened during her time. So the classic, queuing is there too. Oh, and a breezy use of xenophobia for cheap short term political gain. That’s probably the biggest.”

Labour is said to be pushing for an amendment however which will force the government to leave space for a photo of Jeremy Corbyn at Glastonbury to go on too, if and when he becomes Chairman Jezza.

Davis tells Parliament you can have a vote but it’s only advisory

David Davis reassured the Commons today in an earth shattering concession that the representatives of the people can now vote on the final Brexit deal, but it is only advisory.

LCD Views’ People always have the Power correspondent laid out for us what his statement means.

“It’s more cake and eat it genius,” Oh Fcuk Me advised.

“We all know now, based on the experience of the 23rd June 2016, that a referendum is only advisory and parliament in its wisdom will do what is best for the people after sober and informed consideration.

It certainly wouldn’t follow an agenda of economic suicide designed to turn the whole country into a tax haven for the benefit of about 0.1% of the population sold to it by men who were happy to mimic Nazi propaganda during a pivotal period in the country’s history.”

Good news indeed.

For just a moment we were worried that if the final deal agreed with the EU was fantastic, as expected by everyone now, but parliament rejected it, then the government of the day would feel duty bound to carry on in adherence with the vote regardless.

We know that means diving off a cliff without a parachute, or a bouncy castle inflated upon the rocks below, and the missing bouncy castle turning into a canoe without a paddle on a river of fresh sh*t, well, who’d do that?! You’d have to be crazy!

LCD Views is convinced to our narrow that David Davis and Theresa May will get the best deal possible for the people of the United Kingdom.

Personally, having never been to an island tax haven I look forward to parliament in its wisdom giving me the chance to laze under palm trees with the sun beating down while I wait for the queue for the food bank to thin with my sovereignty in my lap.

“Davis is the ultimate have a go hero,” Oh Fcuk Me added, “only this time he’s taking on reality. And that takes some self belief.”

Cat tormented by recurring nightmare in which he has to work like a dog

A domestic cat has spoken out today about a recurring nightmare in which he has to work like a dog.

Mr Socks, a seven year old neutered tabby from Wolverhampton, spoke to LCD Views’ moment of light relief correspondent to describe the horror that visits nightly.

“It’s getting to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep for more than sixteen hours a day,” Mr Socks said.

“It’s normally hour sixteen or seventeen when the nightmare hits.”

Mr Socks goes on to explain that in the dream he suddenly finds himself living the life of the other family pet, Ruff, a five year old Labrador.

“It’s appalling. It’s never ending. Ruff fetch this. Ruff fetch that. Ruff get off the bed. Ruff get off the sofa. How could anyone live like a dog?”

Exacerbating the horror of the dream is the lack of an indoor toilet.

“It’s barbaric. In the dream I no longer have a staffed indoor toilet but have to go outside like an animal.”

We put to Mr Socks that modern domestic cats were descendants of working animals kept as mousers.

“I bet you think the earth is flat too? Don’t you?” Mr Socks scoffed.

“I’ve seen enough television from my maid’s lap to know that in the ancient world cats were revered and ruled as Gods, commanding giant temples and pyramids to be built in their honour.”

So why has he decided to speak out today?

“I want to raise awareness of my condition, embarrassing though it is, and encourage other cats to come forward. Maybe together we can work to find a treatment.”

The other cats said they’ll let him know once they’ve finished another five hour nap.

Ali G under house arrest in Brussels while EU leaders visit Downing St to check if British PM is real

LCD Views has received disturbing rumours from our entertainment correspondent in Brussels this afternoon suggesting the inventor of Ali G and other comic characters has been placed under house arrest while EU business leaders visit with Ms May to determine if she is real.

“We are serious people,” a representative for the twelve business leaders visiting the UK purportedly said.

“It has been suspected for some time that the United Kingdom is currently being run by an improvisation acting group. We aim to find out if this is so once and for all. Remember, the lives of millions are affected by the UK government’s actions, whether they realise it or not.”

Confirmation that Theresa May, and other key government ministers, are actually actors would make sense of a lot that has gone on across the channel from the mainland for the last eighteen months.

“We thought further,” the representative advised, “if Ms May is now being played by a comedian, who is the most likely to pull it off? Why, Mr Baron Cohen of course.”

To this end it is believed a court order was sought, granted and enforced during the night to take the famous inventor of crazed characters into custody until the delegation of twelve had actually met the person currently pretending to be British prime minister.

“It seems they are two different people,” the spokesman later added, “although special effects are so advanced these days, it could be the representatives actually met with a simulation being broadcast. So we are going to have to keep Mr Cohen for a little bit longer to be certain.”

Apparently the meeting didn’t settle the issue because Ms May, or whoever is currently playing her, sat through the entire meeting repeating endlessly, “the best deal for Britain”, while across a table from twelve people already enjoying the best deal possible and puzzled as to what on Earth she thought she could achieve.

“It is probably, and perhaps more worryingly, true that Ms May is a real person. Mr Cohen is very funny. What we are seeing now with the United Kingdom is more like a stage adaptation of ‘The Shining’.”

How long can Starmer be kept champing at the bit without getting mouth ulcers?

LCD Views has received a copy of a copy of a receipt for specialist political veterinary services this morning that suggest one of Labour’s political thoroughbreds maybe undergoing treatment for mouth ulcers after champing at the bit for months.

The receipt gives little information but allows a lot of room for interpretation.

“Name : King Starmer Stud : Labour Condition : Mouth ulcers Treatment : Freedom of speech Prognosis : Time will heal once he’s given his head”

We spoke to a specialist in the field to see if they could glean anymore.

“It’s a pretty common condition for individuals in both the major parties currently. The smaller studs don’t seem to be afflicted, but both the Labour and Conservative stables have dozens of cases. BBC programmes are where you see the problem most acutely.”

It’s believed common brand name salve treatments of saying, ‘any day now’, ‘just be patient’ and ‘let the politics play out’ alleviate the symptoms of champing.

“The only proper cure is to let him have his head. He’s built for races like the Brexit Grand National, but with the organisers constantly changing how many furlongs are in the actual race, it’s problematic for the owners of the stud to know when to just let him run.”

It’s believed the length of the course is likely to be clarified shortly, with many of the major sponsors threatening to begin pulling out within weeks if a decision isn’t made.

“They like to keep his profile up for the punters. You hear and see footage of his trials and you can see he’s just straining to break out and run and jump.”

Stud price is likely to rise significantly with a few more wins under his belt.

“He could win the Grand National, or GE one day, although there’s plenty of other contenders. I’d just let him go for it and see what he can do.”

LCD Views advises they loosen the bit and let this stallion run. He’ll probably make it over the highest jumps. Keep him held back for too long though and he might crash into a watery ditch with the rest of the runners.