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The best way to help deprived kids is to fund privileged kids, says education secretary

The Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, announced the great news that his department is doing more for deprived British children. This is to be achieved by pouring money into the grammar schools, which cater mainly for the children of the wealthy and privileged.

It is not immediately clear how this will actually operate. So we asked junior education minister, Lady Jolly Hockeysticks, to explain.

“One would have thought it was bloody obvious,” she shrilled, in a voice that made every fox within a five-mile radius scurry for cover. “It’s The Blessed Margaret’s trickle-down effect. The best way to help people is to make them sweat for every penny. No more handouts!”

Wouldn’t it be more effective to fund schools in deprived areas directly, we ventured.

“Certainly not!” she retorted. “Local knowledge is required, and who better than local schools? Obviously the best schools will be in a position to help the rest.”

And by which criterion do you decide which schools are best?

“By exam results,” she screamed triumphantly. “Grammar schools provide the best education to the best children!”

Please define what you mean by the best children.

“Grammar schools attract the brightest and the best,” she exhorted in a schoolmarmy tone. “But quality doesn’t come cheap, so there is always a proportion of kids so rich that they can buy top grades!”

Then why the need to pump more public funds into grammar schools?

“So they can recruit token poor kids,” she declared. “As a sop to those who think we don’t care about them. Of course we care. We care so much that we are willing to subsidise wealthy quasi-private education businesses in order to encourage philanthropy.”

“It’s a return to Victorian values,” countered education expert Chalky McChalkface. “Education for the well-off, and who cares about the poor, they are all going to grow up scrounging anyway. Lady Hockeysticks wouldn’t last five minutes in an inner-city comprehensive. She would be torn to pieces like a hunted fox.”

Damian “Horse and’ Hinds was said to be delighted with the squabbling which detracted from the catastrophic mess that is Brexit. At least legions of loyal Daily Telegraph readers will wake up to a good news headline for once tomorrow.

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May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period, well at least until October 31st. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

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United Kingdom to be renamed The Democratic People’s Republic of England after Brexit

Lovers of democracy were dancing around the unmoved statue of Oliver Cromwell on Westminster Green today with the announcement from government that the United Kingdom is to be renamed ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ after Brexit.

“You think the Irish Border is a pickle,” senior cabinet minister, Mr Bumble Fumble, MP for Fumbling-on-Hye, told us, “wait until we have to work out where to put the border between ‘The Democratic People’s Republic of England’ and the Cornish Free Fishing State. My personal preference is across Bodmin Moor with a customs checkpoint on the A30, where it goes under that overpass and everyone despairs about traffic jams.”

But dispute has reportedly apparently broken out in cabinet over why the government has chosen “the” and not “a” for the start of the name.

“Well, there are many democratic people’s republics on the map, but there will only be one with England in the name. So the definite article is best. We know old Corbs is suggesting the indefinite, but that’s a fudge. We need a strong and stable name for the post union United Kingdom.”

Other issues, relating to the Welsh and Scottish borders are yet to be resolved, with the cabinet being unwilling to allow Scotland in particular to break away from the union.

“We need their resources,” Mr Bumble told us, “have you seen the absolutely mad way they’re going after building renewable energy supplies while May has us trying to frack the crap out of people’s back yards south of the wall? Very short sighted of the Scots. We’ll be having those windmills and Archimedes screws and what not and laughing as their lights go out.”

A new flag is also on the way with the designers believed to be settling on a picture of a piece of gammon being bashed by a heavy set, thick, white English man’s forehead.

“I’m against the flag. It’s a travesty,” Mr Bumble adds, “it doesn’t feature any images of island paradise tax havens. Given that war with Scotland, building a wall with Scotland, and allowing easy legitimisation of kleptocratic wealth via our overseas territories channeled with shell companies into the London property market is the only economic plan, it’s a bit bloody rich not to stick a desert island with a palm tree on the flag.”

More details of how the new post Brexit country will be organised will be revealed as cabinet settles on the details.

“I can tell you that rabble rousers like your little rag will be closed down,” Mr Bumble smiles, “but the BBC is staying put. It’ll just be moved into the oversight of the Ministry of Propaganda to help make a success of The Democratic People’s Republic of England.”

We asked Jeremy Corbyn for comment but he abstained, which shows he knows exactly how the official opposition will continue to operate in the DPRE, whoever is pretending to be in charge.

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Corbyn to call for a Yobs First Brexit now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense

Fearless leader of something Jeremy Corbyn is to revise his well known call for a ‘Jobs First Brexit’ to calling for a ‘Yobs First Brexit’ now everyone can see the jobs first one was nonsense.

“It’ll catch the government completely off guard,” E T told LCD Views, “May is still babbling away on a Brexit that works for everybody. What a clown.

Surely she’s learned from the local election results that you can’t try and please everyone. You’ve got to identify the most credulous section of the voting demographic and squabble like mad over that one while everyone else looks on and starts voting for someone else.”

In what manner are they looking on?

”Despair. Frustration. Rage. Complete disbelief at the cynicism of both major parity leaderships. Impatience. And so on. It’s a long list.”

But why the change from a jobs first Brexit? It’s really catchy!

”Its because it’s rapidly dawning on the entire U.K., excepting the bigots and faith based, that under Labour’s plan of fence sitting and hedging our bets, rather than tearing the useless, shambolic and cruel Tories out of office by full throttle opposition to Brexit, that jobs first Brexit is the one where the jobs all go and then we Brexit. It’s a casserole of nonsense. It’s pretty much Tory hard Brexit. So we’ve switched so people can see a real alternative.”

Why the yobs first?

”Because they’re the only ones who are going to be pleased by Brexit now whatever shape it is in. As long as they get to kick out some foreigners they’ll be happy. Even if they’re starving thanks to inflation and the NHS has collapsed.”

This all sounds promising. Jezza really tore into May yesterday too.

”Yeah that’s how we roll. We please Leavers one day with some statement of utter economic idiocy and then we flip the next to reassure the remainers. You can see by the local election results that it’s really starting to pay off.”

So you’re not worried about losing millions of jobs by helping deliver any Brexit?

”No. We’ll get government on the chaos and then there will be proper, full employment instantly.”

How will you manage that if pulling our of the EU destroys millions of jobs?

”We’ll make everyone a state employee. It’s a genius plan.”

The yobs will be thrilled.

”Yes. Someone is going to have to pick the fruit and wipe the bums. It’s not going to be the politburo!”

Hmm. What about just use Brexit, the screaming wound in the Tory party, to force them out of office now. You can do all your nationalisation stuff in the EU, just so you know.

“Yes, but don’t tell anyone that or they might call for a change in leadership.”

Dont worry, Corbyn carries on offering everyone cake and not taking apart a government torn at the seams and he’ll manage that all on his own. Which is a shame really, because things could have been so different.

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New type of cloud that just rains crap all the time named Accumulo Brexit

Meteorologists are dancing in excitement today after a new type of cloud was identified that just rains crap all the time, and to celebrate they named it after Brexit.

“It’s amazing,” LCD Views’ AI weather computer printed on its dot matrix printer, “every new cloud that is found is a sweet child of mine to stand under with my mouth open like a nationalist driven potatriot,

“I don’t care that it’s only raining crap and liquid crap at that. It’s such a large cloud even weather laymen and laywomen will be able to identify it correctly when it starts raining on them, even if they’re laying. This will leave me free to identify the particular rain drops falling from Accumulo Brexit.”

We punched in the following question on the computer’s chunky keys,

Q. The colour of the new cloud will make it easy for everyone to identify?

A. “It’s red, white and blue! Just like most of the flags of most of the countries on earth. Oh and poo, it’s that colour too.”

Q. How is it formed in the atmosphere?

A. “It’s formed from the heavy humidity in the breathing of gammon faced knuckle draggers and racist nostalgia freaks, and inherited privilege that wants more, more and more, oh and the delirious exhalations of ideological daydreamers who think a messiah figure will save them from the devils of their electing, mixing with the updrafts of accumulated tax dodging that rise from so many British overseas territories and other island nations,

“The world is full of these people. It’s amazing the Brexit cloud has taken so long to be formally identified. Although some weather scientists say it was one of the major weather patterns of the 1930’s and early 1940’s.”

Q. But why have they named it after Brexit?

A. “That’s self evident. My printer mechanism will jam if I have to explain it.”

Q. Because Brexit just rains crap all the time over everything it hovers over?

“Thanks for saving me from a jam. Yes. Just be careful if you’re going out if you see Accumulo Brexit overhead. You’ll need an industrial strength umbrella and a shit load of toilet paper. Oh and wellies as the risk of flash flooding from a Brexit downpour is knee high.”

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Business is booming thanks to Brexit, say writers of slogans

Slogan-writing is bucking the pre-Brexit trade slump. The demand for witty, memorable yet ultimately vacuous soundbites has gone through the roof.

“There have been so many in the last few years!” gushed Ray Diofour to LCD’s Proper Gander correspondent. “Strong & Stable, For the Many not the Few, and the daddy of them all, Brexit means Brexit!”

We asked Diofour why he thought that business was so good.

“Brexit has consumed politics for almost three years now,” he replied. “Nobody understands it. Well, the EU does, but they don’t really count, do they? Our leaders have been too stressed out trying to get their heads around its complexities, so it has created a vacuum so huge it should have ‘Hoover’ printed on it. Into the breach come the slogans, so the politicians can convey the impression of knowing what they are doing.”

Diofour disclosed that his employer, the BBC, was in the process of being formally absorbed into the government, as the Ministry of Information. Meanwhile, it is obliged to repeat these slogans on a loop “to keep morale up”.

The irony is that the most famous of these slogans, Brexit Means Brexit, has the rare distinction of being both a tautology and a contradiction. It is the ultimate self-fulfilling paradox, since Brexit – should it still happen – will certainly not mean Brexit.

Brexit should mean a complete, clean break from the EU. No Customs Union, no Single Market. Unravelling these tangled threads is a long and delicate business, and the current government has neither the skill nor the stomach for it.

So it looks like the remnants of Brexit will merely be a fudge. No sweeteners, a nasty taste in the mouth, and it will leave us all feeling sick.

The time limit placed on the process simply makes it more difficult. The UK will tear itself away from the fabric of Europe, and wonder why it can’t clean up like it used to. It’s a rip-off.

Only the sloganeers are happy. Whether Red, White or Blue, we got our slogans back.

We’ve had enough of slogans. It’s that simple.

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Donald Trump claims to have signed the Declaration of Independence

The presence or absence of Donald Trump’s signature on certain documents has been causing a lot of controversy of late, but his most recent claim in that area has to be the most unbelievable yet.

His latest claim is to have signed the Declaration of Independence.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “I gave them my autograph on that document – for a fee, of course. But hey, it was worth every penny. Mine is the first signature there, and the biggest. Better than Obama, and better than George Washington, where are they now?”

It then had to be explained to him that George Washington was not one of the signatories of the document, and that it was drafted and signed before either he or Obama were even born.

“So? I can still sign it to show my support for America. Every president should sign it to show he loves America.”

He subsequently went on to tweet this statement, which got a mention on Fox News as a good idea, getting in turn the predictable praise by the right-wing self-styled patriots.

The fact that only two of the signatories of the original document, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, went on to serve as president, cut no ice with Trump.

“That just shows how none of the other presidents loved America like I do,” he replied, in what may well be the truest statement he has ever made, even if he didn’t see the irony of it.

Technically of course, it is physically possible for him to add his signature to the document, but it would constitute an act of vandalism. The only remaining question then, is whether it is worth defacing such an important piece of American history to get him arrested.

It is rumoured that the FBI have commissioned the country’s finest forgers to create a perfect duplicate of the document to get him to sign. The FBI have refused to comment on this.

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BBC news panic button reported broken after being beaten to death over Lords votes on Brexit

The BBC is arguing for an emergency increase in the license fee today to cover additional costs related to avoiding reporting bad news about Brexit.

“We’ve broken our panic button. It’s a bloody travesty,” John Humphrys, veteran newsreader and tenant farmer on Rees-mogg’s estate told us, “if I can’t hit this big red button to summon an emergency copy of the Daily Mail or bring up Breitbart I’m going to be bloody stuffed. No one wants to hear me making tumbleweed sounds but I’m going to have to do it.

Those Lords have been leaping all over Brexit lately. We’re not allowed to report it. We don’t want to report it. We’re not going to report it. It contradicts the will of the people. Which is why we had to ignore the swing to yellow and green in the locals.”

Quite how the button was unable to stand the panicked smashing from BBC newsreaders is a bit of a mystery.

”We spent half this year’s budget on commissioning the friggin’ useless bit of plastic,” Today programme editor Sarah ‘dines with Murdoch’ Sands revealed,

“It’s spring is composed of the same material that serves in place of MIchael Gove’s conscience.

The other half of the budget went on Humphrys and Robsinson’s personal therapist to ensure they are able to keep blathering the people had a vote no matter how much prestige, jobs and money is lost, even before we Brexit.”

It seems likely that the government will grant the increase in funding in the form of an emergency top up payment payable by direct debit by listeners every time they turn on a BBC service.

”£200M a week ought to cover it,” Humphrys said, “half of that will go to cover the bunting we roll out wherever IDS or Redwood visit. But they’re worth it. They know how to build a straw man and we need it.”

Novelty BBC panic buttons will also be sold through off licenses with packs of super strong cider so listeners can reassure themselves there’s a plan for Brexit.

“It’s made with materials developed for the space age,” Humphrys adds, “whenever the hell that was.”

 

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Trump’s attempt to divorce Michelle Obama fails

President Donald Trump’s attempt to divorce Michelle Obama failed today after a judge rejected the papers petitioning for divorce.

”The filed papers were filled out in crayon and littered with spelling errors,” our Washington bureau chief says, “this raised suspicions in the court and a handwriting expert was called to determine the authenticity of the papers.”

It seems it only took seconds for the handwriting expert to point the finger at POTUS.

“Donald Trump has dedicated his time in the White House to dismantling anything he identifies as Barrack Obama’s legacy. He’s such an insecure man child that even becoming president doesn’t compensate for knowing his father thought he was the afterbirth,” our correspondent says.

“He even pulled apart an IKEA bookshelf that had been stashed for later removal in a larder in the basement of the White House, while on a sugar rush, because he overhead a janitor say Barrack Obama had built it in record time just to prove he could.”

But after attempting to promote climate change, doing his best to crap all over the last unpolluted habit of polar bears, doing his utmost to legitimise every bigotry and prejudice optimistically believed largely consigned to history, and as recently as yesterday pulling America out of the Iran Nuclear Deal just “because Obama”, it seems the fake billionaire living on borrowed time and Russian money hit upon the one deed of the Obama’s most would assume he could not undo.

“Most were right,” our stateside hack nods, “the handwriting expert said that perhaps if he had used a biro and learned to spell first he may have gotten a little further. Oh, and if he had actually paid for the court filing rather than including an IOU. Still, it was a long shot.”

So where next for Donald?

“Well, he’s clearly going to be impeached before the end of the year. Yesterday’s Iran Nuclear Deal smash up was just to distract headlines from the breaking story of Cohen paying off Stormy from a bank account stuffed with Russian money. It mostly worked, but only for yesterday. The rumour mill says he’s going to begin rebirthing classes, giving his name as Obama, in the hope of stopping his birth midway. No one has ever tried that before. I doubt it will work.”

But there is one field in which Barrack Obama can’t touch him.

“You’re right,” our hack says, “Barrack is pretty good at getting people to laugh along with him, but Trump is far and away the greatest at being a global laughing stock. There’s a real danger of the Earth splitting its sides when Trump is led into court in cuffs.”

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Blocked by Boris – Mayhem tries another customary u-turn but Bojo’s knife stops her

Freakish and scary and totally unexpected news today as Britain’s travelling Secretary of State for International Clown Shows, Boris ‘Bojo’ (the clown) Johnson, has taken advantage of the security of May’s inability to fire anyone to stick the knife firmly into his boss Theresa Mayhem’s back, again.

“It shows his smarts,” our political arts correspondent commented, “if you’re going to plunge the knife into your boss you need to do it to a boss too terrified to respond, thus boosting your status in office politics and diminishing theirs.

This wound will fester.”

Presumably it also shows he plans more than one day at a time?

“I wouldn’t go that far,” our analyst says, “more his cunning. A kind of brute, animal cunning. Not especially developed, but serves well when ambushing weaker prey.”

But surely this is all just some big tent entertainment?

A centre ring careerist like Bojo needs to grab headlines or he’ll be sat alone in his dressing room applying his make up for the next show, desperately wondering if the crowd still loves him.

“Bojo is first and foremost an attention seeking journalist. Don’t forget that. He feeds off the attention like a leech on the calf of the great unwashed.

But he also completely misunderstood all the classics and history he’s studied and believes he’s emulating Churchill. Which is a bit f*cking rich. But it does to remember some people are capable of much greater degrees of self-deceit than normal.”

Okay. It’s a little hard to see why this customs partnership lark is back on the table at Downing Street anyway, given the EU have repeatedly said no to the idea.

“Mrs Mayhem is known as much for her repetition of self-defeating phrases and non-solutions as to her ability to abruptly about turn when startled. She’s not listening to the EU. She thinks she’ll find a magic solution and they’ll be dazzled.”

She’s an idiot? Or is she a clown too?

“The saddest clown I’ve ever seen, if that’s so. I’d go for the former description.”

Any other insights to add?

“Yes. If you think Boris isn’t maneuvering for a shot at being circus master, after the demolition of May’s human shield Rudd by Boris’ sister in law, and after the encouraging local election results for the Tories, then you’re too dazzled by the big red noses on show and not paying enough attention.”